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Post by sbtbfanatic on Feb 10, 2014 0:17:41 GMT
Terrible Terrible Terrible, They should have just left the show at graduation. I'm just glad they didn't do a Zack and Kelley's baby special. You air are wrong , I found college years better than bell classic and to that point new class better than bell classic. |
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Feb 10, 2014 0:18:29 GMT
Eh...this spin off was alright, a lot better than the new class.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Feb 10, 2014 0:18:46 GMT
Like I said on Saved By the Bell: The New Class, I never knew there was this show either! But it sounds awful...
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Feb 10, 2014 0:19:48 GMT
this show kept the series going and i liked the fact that they moved on to a higher level of education because in most shows at least now people in middle school look like they should be in high school and these kids weren't high schoolers anymore.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Feb 10, 2014 0:20:23 GMT
But the theme song EFFIN' rocked!!! lol
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Feb 10, 2014 0:20:48 GMT
Just like The New Class (both of them), this one bit the dust. I highly anticipated this one especially after the original went off the air cuz I loved the cast so much but in the end, the show just stunk.. Never compared to the times @ good 'ol Bayside..
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Feb 10, 2014 0:21:09 GMT
I personally loved the College Years. It was so much better then Saved By The Bell, my favourite characters were Alex and Kelly
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Feb 10, 2014 0:21:45 GMT
This show rocked. It was the more grown up version of Saved by the Bell. Screech was actually fun and all of the characters were cool. I have it on DVD.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Feb 10, 2014 0:22:01 GMT
It just wasn't the same...
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Nov 11, 2015 0:45:31 GMT
The College Years Episode 1: “Pilot”
It’s time for Saved by the Bell: The College Years, that exciting answer to the question no one but die hard fans really had: how did the gang fair when they went to college? Peter Engel and company saw a chance to potentially drag out the franchise another four years, though, so he thought, “What the hell!” On top of that, Zack Morris and Slater suddenly gave up great schools in order to go to the same university as Screech…without explanation! Yeah, we’re contradicting major plot points of the original series just in the premeise of the show. That’s a really good sign…
Maybe I’m being too harsh, though. With an original episode title like “Pilot,” how could you go wrong?
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Also not a good sign is that Cal U is tinted a pinkish-red. Either this indicates that we’re viewing the school through rose colored glasses or there’s some serious murder going on in this school. Cal U is going to try and steal your soul!
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Our episode opens in the dorm hallway where Zack Morris gives us his first monologue of the series, excitedly bragging about how he managed to make his way through the LA education system and turned down a place at Yale in order to go to a fake university just across the Bay from San Francisco.Also, Zack Morris is well on his way to the Dawson’s Creek haircut he sported on The New Class. I guess his outfit here is supposed to shout, “Rugged hunter” as he hunts the elusive co-ed.
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Speaking of co-ed hunting, he quickly gets to what’s important: asking random girls in towels to strip for him. They naturally think he’s a weird creep, as do most sane people who meet Zack Morris, but the more pressing issue is why these girls are in the hallway in nothing but towels anyway. We see later that the dorms have their own showers. Is Zack Morris in the nudist dorm at Cal U?
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Zack Morris soon finds what he believes to be his room and collapses on a bed, complaining that he needs a jacuzzi and shit. In walk two girls, though, who want to know what such a pervert is doing in their bed. Zack Morris insists he was given this room, room 218, even though the door clearly says it’s actually room 204 but we’ve spent five years not giving a damn about continuity right before our eyes so why start now? One of the girls explains that he has the right suite but wrong room and tells him to get the fuck out before she cuts off his penis.
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But not before our third girl comes in so we can contrivantly meet all three of our girls at once. From left to right, meet Danielle Marks (Essence Atkins), who’s basically a Lisa clone; Leslie Burke (Anne Tremko), a finance major who will be playing a Kelly/Jessie cross and, naturally, serves as a love interest for Zack Morris since she has a vagina and breathes; and Alex Tabor (Kiersten Warren), who’s a theater major and actually has a lot in common with Vicki Needleman in that she’s a complete moron. Maybe they’re cousins or something.
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After the girls finally kick Zack Morris out of their room, he fucks off to his own room and discovers who else but Slater already there! Yes, no word about why they would both suddenly decide to turn down amazing opportunities at other universities, but they’re here, complete with Slater setting up a weight set in the middle of the floor because Cal U is apparently the only university with a sports program that doesn’t also have an athletic center
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And rounding out our cast is the man voted most likely to be less intelligent than belly button lint, Screech, the only one who was actually supposed to be here originally! He says he pulled some strings so he could be their third roommate and save lots of production costs over filming Screech in another room. Plus, I’m sure he’ll provide lots of antics the writer of this show will be convinced are funny.
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Our equivalent for The Max will be The Falcon Nest, aka the Student Union, where Slater works. Slater tells Zack Morris that his wrestling scholarship doesn’t pay for everything so he has to work at the student union in order to make ends meet. I don’t know, maybe that wouldn’t be a problem if you’d stayed at the fucking school that offered you a full scholarship! Slater’s job sucks because the students at Cal U are apparently snobs who can’t be bothered to be nice to mere peons who work for student unions.
Meanwhile, Zack Morris spots the girls and decides to make his move. He interrupts them studying and strikes up conversation about where they’re from: Washington, DC for Danielle, Oregon for Alex, and San Francisco for Leslie. Zack Morris proves his skillful knowledge of geography by pointing out that San Francisco is just across the bridge. Leslie’s not impressed with Zack Morris’s ability to recite geographical facts but he sees this as playing hard to get. He asks when he can buy her dinner and she does, perhaps, the most amazing thing ever for a girl on a Saved by the Bell series: she tells him right now and gives him the bill for all three girls as they get up and leave. He remains there, stunned that anyone could resist the Zack Morris charm.
We also find out Zack Morris is a finance major because he hopes to one day contribute to a major financial crash, say, about 2008.
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Back in the boys’ room, we needed an excuse to show Zack Morris and Slater in nothing but a pair of boxers to get the girls’ tingling in their special areas so why not just do it. It’s great to know the audience is still so easily impressed as they lose their shit over the scene before them, and I’m convinced one of them had a heart attack.
Zack Morris can’t believe that they actually expect him to learn at college and bemoans the fact he has to read two hundred pages of history. Slater tells him to quit his bitching while Screech makes a nonsensical remark about the Russian Revolution that I’m sure is supposed to impress me but only saddens me to know this is what someone envisions as comedy.
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Leslie barges in wearing nothing but a towel to find out who used all her Soft ‘n Sassy shampoo. Naturally, it was Zack Morris, who’s trying to keep up his new hair style, but Leslie’s not having it and says that, since they’re going to be together at least a year, more if the network renews them, they need to have a meeting to set some ground rules. The better question here is what is it with girls at Cal U running around in nothing but a towel? Really, does no one put on clothes before they leave the shower around here?
At the meeting, Leslie says they need to figure out how to decorate their common room. Zack Morris quickly vetoes whatever dumb ass suggestion Screech was about to make before he had the opportunity, sparing us another dumb Screech joke.
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Just then, our final main character enters, Michael Rogers (Bob Golic), the resident director for the dorms. Naturally, he introduces himself as “Mr. Rogers” to set us up for another stupid ass Screech joke, which he doesn’t fail to deliver in confusing this man with the one on PBS obsessed with puppets. We find out that Mr. Rogers was a linebacker for the 49’ers and Zack Morris quickly tries to suck up to him using the same techniques that worked so well over the years on Mr. Belding. Mr. Rogers tells Zack Morris to quit trying to fucking suck up because he’s not going to be naive and believe all Zack Morris’s bull shit until it’s convenient to the plot.
Mr. Rogers says that the dorm rules are no loud parties during the week and no alcoholic beverages on the premises because those are the two that will be convenient to the plot in a minute. Mr. Rogers says they better follow the rules or else he’ll be forced to deliver a punishment that isn’t nearly proportional to the offence.
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At wrestling program, Slater suddenly sucks ass at wrestling because we need more reason to think the gang are having trouble adjusting to college life. The coach tells Slater to quit acting like a bad wrestler and shit. Meanwhile, Screech randomly stalks Slater and sees the whole thing. Slater makes Screech promise not to tell anyone he got pinned, which, knowing Screech, I’m sure will be a promise he’s able to keep.
Back in the boys’ room, Screech talks about food with his mom, annoying the hell out of Zack Morris and Slater, who are trying to study. Slater pretends he’s doing good at wrestling and tells Zack Morris he’s a loser for not being able to have sex with Leslie yet. He says that he’s determined to impress her because she’s the love interest the writers threw in for her.
Danielle and Alex come in and tell the boys that, by some sort of wacky coincidence, tomorrow is Leslie’s eighteenth birthday and they’re going to have a celebration for her. After Alex talks about lots of stuff involving cake and sugar, the girls leave and Zack Morris says they have to do something special for Leslie to get the plot of this episode moving. He says it’s party time!
And, conveniently, the next scene is party time, with every extra available there to celebrate Leslie’s birthday! And it’s a whacked out universe because a random girl starts hitting on Screech, thinking he’s hot because he knows shit about computers as a computer science major. Number one, why is he such a dumb ass about the baby simulator dolls in “Baby Care” then? Number two, why did a computer science major get an internship in school administration? These, of course, are questions that will never be answered as the writers hope you will contract amnesia and forget they ever happened, but they show how continuity is a no brainer in this franchise, as in no one has a brain about it.
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The girls come in and discover the party, with Leslie seemingly unsure what to think about a shit load of strangers in her suite. Danielle gets mad at a jock from the wrestling team who’s eating all the birthday cake. She tells him to fuck off and the jocks start making fun of Slater, saying Danielle is tougher than he is. Slater says this is the last straw and tells Screech he’s quitting the team.
Zack Morris tries to cut in on the guy dancing with Leslie, who just hands him a can of beer randomly, and Zack Morris tells him there’s no drinking in the dorm.
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At that very moment, Mr. Rogers, by pure contrivance, just happens to run into Zack Morris. He calls off the party and sends everyone on their way.
After the party goers are gone, he says he has to punish everyone for the party and the alcohol, despite the fact that he was quite literally right there when the guy handed Zack Morris the alcohol, so why the hell isn’t he punishing that guy for alcohol and not them? Also, the girls’ not knowing about the party seems like a pretty good defense. Call me crazy, but I don’t think his case would stand up…
Mr. Rogers says there’s three options: expulsion from the dorm, curfew for a month, or help the psychology department with a research project. The project is to get a questionnaire filled out by every freshman on campus, and they naturally take the third option since that’s what the plot demands. Why do I get the impression Mr. Rogers’s just having them do his homework for him? In any case, everyone sulks off, pissed off at Zack Morris as Leslie tells off Zack Morris and calls him a selfish, immature fucker.
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At the student union, Screech finds Zack Morris playing pool and reminds him all about the people who hate him at Cal U. Zack Morris says he can’t believe that he can’t do whatever the hell he wants in school and is thinking about transferring to a school back in LA. Screech lets out about Slater wanting to quit college. Zack Morris says that’s horrible as it would cause Slater to lose his wrestling scholarship and have to drop out of school since no one apparently realizes there are military scholarships Slater would more than qualify for. Zack Morris tells him it’s time to put a Zack Morris plan into action to keep Slater in school.
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Back in the suite, the gang’s offering a raffle for a free trip to Hawaii for a random person who turns in a survey. Mr. Rogers, naturally, catches him and says Zack Morris’s bull shit still isn’t convenient to the plot and that offering a free trip to Hawaii and then not giving it away is fraud and he better fucking come up with a trip or else.
This leads to Zack Morris taking a job at the student union so he can pay for a trip to Hawaii for someone. Oh, Zack Morris, if you just hang on one more episode Kelly will be there and you can just arrange for a stay at the Hawaiian Hideaway since you did help save the place! This must be a slow term solution in any case since it would take forever to fund a trip to Hawaii on student union pay. Guess Mr. Rogers is suddenly a patient man in waiting for fulfillment of Zack Morris’s bull shit.
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Also, I see the stereotypical nerds have followed us to The College Years. I guess Peter Engel figured why the fuck not? It’ll be successful because it has Saved by the Bell in the title, right?
Leslie comes in to apologize to Zack Morris because she thinks she was overreacting to Zack Morris being a jack ass. Oh, Leslie, you have so much to learn in order to become a full-fledged cast member of this show.
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Also, a random girl says Slater’s a great wrestler and that she thinks he’s hot and wants his man chowder. Slater suddenly thinks he’s a god at life but, as the girl slips by Zack Morris, he gives her $20 for pretending to like Slater.
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Back at the boys’ dorm, Danielle and Alex have a lot to learn about being in this franchise as well, as they’ve agreed to go on a date with Screech, not realizing the horrors that await them. It must have been quite horrible because we’ll never see Danielle again. She was a dull knock off character with very little potential to this show, but she didn’t deserve what she got: a date with Screech. Oh, poor Danielle. Only the ages know the horrors you saw…
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Slater tells Zack Morris the girl gave the $20 back . He says he appreciates what Zack Morris did but he’s not a quitter and he’s signed on to this show for at least a season so he’s staying. They commiserate over how hard college has been so far and hope they can contain their homoerotic desires towards each other. Slater goes off to the gym, leaving Zack Morris to believe he has a date with Leslie.
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Leslie has another date, though, leaving Zack Morris crestfallen. She says she hopes they can still be friends and shouldn’t date while they’re suite mates. He sends her off to have a date as they almost nearly kiss.
And our episode ends with a monologue from Zack Morris about how he didn’t get the girl this time despite his best efforts and that, after briefly considering studying on a Saturday night, he’s decided he’d rather keep up the status quo in order to let viewers know that yes, indeed, this is a continuation of the original series, even if it seems that way in name only.
Firsts: Leslie Burke, Alex Tabor, Mr. Michael Rogers, the gang in college, the gang as suite mates, Zack Morris likes Leslie.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Nov 11, 2015 0:46:04 GMT
The College Years Episode 2: “Guess Who’s Coming to College?”
We have our first cold opening since Good Morning, Miss Bliss, and we use it for Zack Morris to introduce us to…the first day of college registration. So if this is the first day of registration, why the hell were the gang studying last week? It seems we’ve gone back in time, which means we’ll have to watch Screech going out on a date with poor Danielle and Alex again.
Zack Morris cooking a delicious and nutritious Pop Tarts breakfast hoping that the overprocessed real fruit part of a complete breakfast will loosen Leslie up enough to want to have sex with him. Naturally, she interprets the two Pop Tarts as being that Zack Morris cooked for her and Alex, and Alex cluelessly takes one of the Pop Tarts and coffee. It turns out, though, that Zack Morris didn’t need to go to any such trouble because she instantly accepts an offer for a date with Zack Morris that night, completely contracting her personality last week that was obviously building to a season long cat and mouse game between the two. It’s like the writers of this episode didn’t watch the first episode at all.
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After a slightly modified opening that now includes Kelly instead of Danielle, thus removing all tension as to who’s actually coming to college, our episode opens with Mr. Rogers bringing a giant person sized “care package” to Screech that even he admits is overweight and feels like it’s heavy enough to be a person. Hmm, we never actually find out what’s in that box but I have a suspicion I’ll share in a moment.
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Meanwhile, Kelly wanders around in the hallway lost looking for Zack Morris. She encounters Mr. Rogers, who wonders why anyone would want to find Zack Morris and assures her that his potentially sexually degrading antics have been cancelled for the week. She explains that she went to high school with him and Mr. Rogers expresses his sympathies. He physically lifts Kelly to the suite just a few meters away and leaves her on the door step.
Kelly enters the room without knocking and finds her worst nightmare, a child actor quickly running into irrelevance. She explains to Screech that, despite the fact it was never previously mentioned, she was on the waiting list to get into Cal U and they just called her to let her know she was admitted.
Screech tells Kelly that, conveniently, one of the girls just moved out of their sweet, transferring to another university, so Kelly’s sure to move in. Since we’ve seen Leslie and Alex, that must mean Danielle. But, you know that human-sized care package Mr. Rogers brought in? NO! Screech’s date with Danielle went wrong and he killed her! And, what’s more, he says that this wasn’t the first package he received. Could the others contain…Tori, Mikey, Nikki, and Miss Bliss?!?! It would answer so many continuity issues on this show if Screech turned out to be a serial murderer and, let’s face it, it’s completely believable…
In any case, Kelly asks Screech not to tell Zack Morris she’s there yet as she’s hoping for a convoluted plot that will end with comedy gold.
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We join Zack Morris and Alex in the pre-internet version of registration: standing in lines and waiting to find out what classes you’re in. Alex is upset that she didn’t get into a single theater class and that it’s the end of the world. Slater, meanwhile, got into really cushy classes because he’s a jock and obviously too stupid to do anything if he’s not coddled. Screech finds Mr. Rogers registering for Sociology 101 because he needs some undergraduate classes towards his graduate work . Screech almost makes fun of Mr. Rogers for doing something stupid like advance his career but Mr. Rogers threatens to pound the shit out of Screech’s stupid serial murdering face. Oh, if he were to prevent me from having to suffer through The New Class he would officially be the best character ever.
Leslie accidentally runs into Kelly without realizing who she is and Zack Morris does the thing where he passes right by Kelly, not seeing her despite the fact she’s right next to him.
Back at the suite, Zack Morris arrive back after their date to see Free Willy. Leslie tells Zack Morris she really likes him which means she doesn’t want to date him any longer because he’s a piece of crap womanizer. He tells Leslie a sob story about how his high school sweetheart Kelly Kapowski died in a boating accident, breaking his heart and leading him to not respect women in any way.
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Naturally, Leslie falls for his shtick completely and kisses him, feeling sorry for him, and giving the audience an excuse to lose their shit.
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Unfortunately for Zack Morris, Kelly picks that precise moment to make her grand entrance. Zack Morris finds out that Screech arranged for Kelly to live in their suite, with Screech saying that he pulled some strings to get Kelly in. Seriously…what does Screech have on the administrators at this school that he keeps pulling strings? Did he threaten to do to them what he did to Danielle?
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In the student union, Slater has to kick Screech out with his stupid ass looking bicycle. Yeah, I have no idea what this is about. It does come back later but it’s almost an attempt at a Monty Python-esque random joke that doesn’t have anything to do with anything else.
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Meanwhile, Zack Morris tries to apologize to Leslie for being a creep and lying about Kelly.She tells him, once again, she wants nothing to do with him and tells him to fuck the fucking fuck off.
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Zack Morris tells Slater his plan to get Leslie to like him: sneak into her room, copy down her schedule, and get into all her classes so he can have sexy study dates. Fortunately, Leslie’s smarter than 95% of all characters on this show and listens in on Zack Morris’s plan so she won’t fall prey to his conniving ways.
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Back at the suite, Kelly tries to bond with Alex but just discovers how bat shit crazy she is when she goes on a huge over-dramatic rant about not getting into any theater classes.
Leslie asks Kelly to hide her stuffed animals and if she has a boy over to fuck and then starts to pry into Kelly’s relationship with Zack Morris.
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After Kelly leaves, Alex says that it’s clear even to her that Leslie is jealous. Leslie denies it but puts her plan into motion to get back at Zack Morris, changing key elements of her schedule.
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This leads Zack Morris to inadvertently enroll in a graduate level Mandarin class because Cal U apparently sucks at managing prerequisites. He also ends up in a class with a professor who insists on speaking to Zack Morris in Mandarin even when it’s crystal clear he’s in a class beyond his means and, to throw a bit of racism in there, every person in the class is of Asian descent because only Asian people would learn something stupid like Mandarin. Oh, Saved by the Bell, you never cease to amaze me with your cultural insensitivity.
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At the student union, Zack Morris and Leslie instantly make up for her deception and his invading of her privacy. Zack Morris invites Leslie to a REM concert the next night and she decides that all that shit about not wanting to date him is so twelve minutes ago.
Kelly finds Zack Morris and they decide to go out to the square and talk in order to build up to a forced subplot.
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Slater sees Mr. Rogers studying and brags about taking really easy classes and Mr. Rogers points out that he took really easy classes when he was an undergrad and now he’s on a stupid Saved by the Bell spin-off. We cut away with Slater looking thoughtful, wondering if Peter Engel will make him be on The New Class if he stays in these really easy classes.
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Zack Morris and Kelly come back to the suite after midnight, talking about how it’s been a long time since they had a heart to heart talk. They even reference their night in Palm Springs, even though that wasn’t actually Palm Springs but Palm Desert. Kelly says she’s beginning to feel more at home thanks to Zack Morris and that he’s more than a friend to her. She decides it’s time for some forced romance even though, with the exception of Palm Desert and the senior prom, she hasn’t shown any interest in him for nearly two years.
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They kiss and, naturally, Leslie walks in on them, leading, I’m sure, to a zany subplot!
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Zack Morris wakes Slater and Screech up to talk about his girl problems. He kicks them out of their own beds when Leslie comes in so he can talk to her. Leslie’s also changed clothes since the last scene so we can look at her in a night gown which means she stewed in anger long enough to change into bed clothes.
Zack Morris looks into Leslie’s eyes and realizes the writers want to extend this subplot so he still likes her and says that Kelly has it all wrong and he’s going to tell her he doesn’t want to date her.
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He walks into the girls’ room, kicks Alex out, and tries to break it off with Kelly. He realizes he likes her pajamas so he says he and Leslie aren’t a thing and he’d rather go to the REM concert with her so he’ll break it off with Leslie.
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He still can’t break it off with either of them, though, so, when they meet in the suite, he runs out of the room. Leslie and Kelly decide they need to talk so they can put this subplot to rest.
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At the student union, Slater’s new schedule takes him all across campus so he wants to borrow Screech’s stupid bicycle to get around. For some reason, though, beautiful girls wants to use it since girls on this show can’t tell how untouchable Screech is. Since we never see this girl again, I can only assume she’s Screech’s newest victim.
Mr. Rogers comments on Slater’s new courses and Slater says he decided he wanted to register for real courses. Slater thanks Mr. Rogers, or Mike as he’s now calling him, for being the conscience he’s been looking for the last four years without the boundary crossing action.
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Back at the suite, Kelly and Leslie tell Zack Morris they’ve decided it’s sweet he didn’t want to hurt either of them so they’ve decided the logical thing to do is for neither of them to date Zack Morris until a later time when it’s convienent to the plot. They’ve also decided to steal Zack Morris’s REM tickets and go to the concert together because that’s a reasonable thing to do.
Zack Morris gives us a monologue that maybe he doesn’t need to date his roommates.
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Alex comes in, though, and, though she’s the worst girl in the suite, he decides she’s better than nothing when she comes in to say she got into an acting class. And our episode ends with Zack Morris and Alex going out to eat so Zack Morris can finally try to get rid of his cursed virginity with someone, anyone.
vlcsnap-2015-08-29-21h03m23s303During the credits, we get a scene of Zack Morris and Screech breaking into the girls’ room to copy Leslie’s schedule. Screech, naturally, acts like a complete dumb ass when he’s supposed to be watching to make sure the girls don’t come back, so I guess some things never change. Also, I’m not sure what the deal with showing this during the credits is. Is it a cut scene? Is there one of these in every episode? I guess only time will tell.
Firsts: Kelly at Cal U.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Nov 11, 2015 0:46:31 GMT
The College Years Episode 3: “Zack, Lies, & Videotape”
In our cold opening, it seems that, despite having different majors, the gang are all taking a Cultural Anthropology class. This, despite the fact it directly contradicts last week’s episode when Zack Morris signed up for a bunch of other classes because he thought Leslie was taking them. It’s also the first day of class again since the classes in the first episode don’t count now that Danielle is dead and we’re already forgetting the Mandarin class last week. It’s like Saved by the Bell never bothers to remember silly things like what happens from episode to episode.
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Anyway, Zack Morris starts talking shit with a random student sitting in front of him because how dare class expect him to get up at 8:00 am and do stupid shit like learn. The student offers to sell Zack Morris a copy of this stupid new professor’s midterm for twenty dollars and, Zack Morris, being a complete dumb ass when the situation calls for it, believes him and buys it, despite the fact it’s the first day so how did he get a copy of the midterm?
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Naturally the student turns out to be Professor Jeremiah Lasky, and his lack of professional ethics and boundaries in his first minute and a half on screen should be a sign of things to come, but you know, adults in this franchise never have proper boundaries.
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The girls’ lady boners all go ding for Professor Lasky because we need Zack Morris to instantly hate him anymore so whatever.
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After the credits, Professor Lasky’s still laying it on hot and heavy with the girls, telling them they’re going to study the mating rituals of the Tehanbuli tribe of New Guinea and how they like to be polyamorous and shit. To demonstrate, he asks the girls to marry him and all three get excited about more boundary issues to follow.
What I can’t figure out is if the Tehanbuli are a real tribe or not. Google gives me one result for the way Professor Lasky spells it. It’s just as likely that the writers made it up to fuck with me and some blogger misspelled something. In any case, Professor Lasky tells Kelly she’ll never need to remember this for exams or quizzes or anything because why test on what you just said you’ll be learning.
Also, Professor Lasky’s lecture style is the most fucked up, all over the place method I’ve ever seen. He goes from definitions of anthropology to randomly talking about Margaret Meade. Actually, I had a professor like him once. He was in his seventies, half senile, and needed to retire. So, now I know where my professor was in the early nineties.
Professor Lasky’s first assignment for the class is to buy his book because there’s no conflict of interest in that at all. Zack Morris asks if he can have his money back if he has to buy Professor Lasky’s book and the walking ethics violation gives Zack Morris five dollars and tells him to buy it used.
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In the student union, the girls can’t wait to fuck Professor Lasky’s brains out while Zack Morris wants him to be Screech’s next victim. In our random subplots of the week that we’ll barely talk about, Slater needs to gain six pounds by Friday so he can get into a higher weight class in wrestling while Alex needs to lose two pounds due to apparent theater related anorexia. How excited.vlcsnap-2015-09-06-20h10m57s306
Speaking of subplots, in the boys’ room, Slater tells Screech that Mr. Rogers or Mike or whatever the hell we’re calling him this week is looking for Screech. Screech hides, thinking our residential adviser wants to avenge a shrunken shirt. Slater, hoping Screech will die or some shit, immediately points out where Screech is.
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But, no, Mr. Rogers/Mike wants Screech to help him type his memoirs. Seems he has a book deal but his hands are too big to type with because that’s a thing and not just something the writers made to give him something to do this week. Screech agrees to be his editor if he’ll help Screech bulk up with weight lifting and shit so that more women will inexplicably hit on him.
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Back in class, Professor Lasky has Zack Morris and Leslie participate in an experiment where Zack Morris has to get Leslie to go out with him but he can’t speak. Naturally, since Leslie is now back in “I hate Zack Morris mode” she wants nothing to do with him for now and so, Zack Morris storms back to his seat, declaring this experiment to be stupider than the new class that’s replaced him back at Bayside. Professor Lasky tells Zack Morris to see him in his office at 5:00 so he can give him spankings.
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No, no that would be too exciting. We find out that Professor Lasky apparently quite literally lives out of his office because that makes it easier to engage in ethics violations. Lasky tells Zack Morris that he sucks ass at courting women despite only knowing him for two days and despite the fact that, with the exception of Punky Brewster, women seem to fall all over Zack Morris quite instantly and without logic. The good professor tells Zack Morris that, if he applied himself, he might learn something in his class so he tells Zack Morris that, if Zack Morris does a field study about what women want and comes up with a scientific conclusion, Lasky will give Zack Morris a B so he doesn’t have to come to class anymore. After all, he’s already in deep with stuff that will keep him from making tenure so why not keep it up? Zack Morris agrees, not realizing the episode is still only about halfway through, giving him plenty of time to learn a lesson.
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At the student union, we check in on the stupid weight loss/weight gain subplot as Alex screams about how Slater’s eating like a pig but can only gain one pound. How exciting, but not as exciting as air conditioning repair.
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Zack Morris tries video taping women for his project. Unfortunately, he picked the world’s largest dumb ass to be his cameraman and this scares the girl out, who already seemed to have no clue what she wanted, so she’s no good. Leslie tells Zack Morris he’s a dumb ass for hitting on women instead of taking Lasky’s project seriously. She stomps off so we can still have her as the Jessie like character and shit.
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Mr. Rogers/Mike talks football shit with Screech but then reveals that he had trouble asking girls out. Screech refers to him as Mike, so I guess I will too. Mike didn’t have his first date until he was twenty. Screech makes fun of him for it and, when Mike picks him up and threatens to remove his stupid appendix through his stupid nose, Screech strikes that part and talks more football shit.
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In the suite, Zack Morris records the girls talking about who they think is hot and sexy, including a guy from yet another class they apparently all share because I took every class in college with all my friends of different majors. He also gets jealous because they think Slater’s hotter than him since they’ve had a preview of things to come in about twenty years.
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They realize Zack Morris is spying on them s they all start talking about how much they want to jump Zack Morris’s bone. Then Leslie dumps popcorn on Zack Morris’s head and they tell him how he’s a dumb ass and tell him he has no idea how to do scientific research for a project because he has a lesson he needs to learn.
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After a commercial break, Mike talks more football shit and, I never thought I would agree with Screech, but I think this subplot is fucking boring and needs to go away. Screech suggests that, rather than more football shit, Mike should talk about the personal stuff because it would inspire losers to think other things are losers. Mike instantly agrees with him because plot and this stupid subplot is finally over.
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But not before Mike has Screech lift weights. Alex comes in to tell Mike that a parent is on the phone for him and Mike leaves Screech without a spotter to hopefully die. But, wait! Alex calls him Mr. Rogers! Should I call him Mr. Rogers or Mike?!?! I’ve never been so confused by what to call a character in my life! It’s like the writers had no clue whether they wanted Mike to be a Mr. Belding character or a useless Max character.
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In the suite, Kelly convinces Zack Morris the reason he can’t get women to take him seriously is he tries to hit on them while he’s doing his studying. Zack Morris asks the girls about their ambitions and loosens them up enough to talk about what they want, enough to create a video tape. Also, we get some Kelly “boo hoo hoo I’m poor” shit while Leslie brags she’s rich and has a building named after her family. How profound.
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Zack Morris and Professor Lasky watch the tape and Lasky’s impressed. Zack Morris’s highly scientific conclusion is that girls are just like boys: they all want different things. Jesus Christ, I’ve watched for the last twenty minutes and this is the stupid ass conclusion this episode comes to? In any case, it’s good enough for Professor Misconduct and he tells Zack Morris, true to his word, he has a B and doesn’t have to come to class.
In class, Slater now needs to lose weight because he needs to get back to his original weight class so he wears a sauna suit because the writers of this franchise are the only ones in the world who believe those things work. Thus ends our thrilling weight loss/weight gain subplot.
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Zack Morris initially doesn’t look like he’s showing up for class, especially surprising given Professor Lasky told him he didn’t have to come anymore. He comes in anyway, though, saying he’s decided he wants an A and will hopefully learn some more shit over the next season. And our episode ends with Zack Morris using Professor Lasky’s book to balance a wobbly chair because we need some closure that Zack Morris will never truly change unless it’s convenient to the plot.
So, about the episode title, where were the lies? We saw the Zack and the videotape, but do the writers of this show really believe that acting like a douche is equivalent to lying? I mean, I know they were going for a clever reference to Sex, Lies, & Videotapes, but, if a reference doesn’t fit, like this one, it just looks fucking stupid.
vlcsnap-2015-09-06-20h28m24s975During the credits, they tease me more with the possibility of the weight destroying Screech’s esophagus but, like all good things, the possibility of Screech’s death must come to an end as Bob Golic, out of character and laughing at the pain he’s inflicting on Dustin Diamond, comes in and lifts the weight off him. Oh, Bob Golic, you’ll never know how close you came to preventing six seasons of misery for me.
Firsts: Professor Jeremiah Lasky, Lasky’s ethics violations, Mike as the imperfect jock, the Cultural Anthropology class.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Nov 11, 2015 0:46:54 GMT
The College Years Episode 4: “Rush Week”
In the cold opening, Zack Morris tells us via monologue that it’s Rush Week, as the episode’s title would imply, and freshman are being rushed by fraternities and sororities. Given his predilections, however, he’s more inclined to rush this random girl who turns his head for no discernible reason when there are a ton of others girls in the hallway. In any case, he’s sad that transgender rights haven’t quite caught up enough for him to join a sorority so he’s going to spend the episode obsessing over frats instead, because we need even more evidence Zack Morris is a complete douche bag. Oh, and he lifts the leg of his pants up, causing the audience to lose their shit since they’ve apparently never seen a bare leg before.
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Zack Morris enters the suite to find Slater talking to a guy who’s desperately trying to bring cardigan sweaters back into style. This guy is Rick, and, though Zack Morris initially blows him off, Zack Morris soon discovers he’s from Sigma Alpha, the best professional agriculture sorority around! Okay, no, in the Engle-verse, Sigma Alpha is actually Cal U’s hottest frat full of douche bags so, naturally, Zack Morris wants in. Rick only wants Slater because he’s a jock and testosterone and shit, so Zack Morris pretends to be a hockey player so Rick will think he’s a jock, too. You dip shit. You were once the best cross country runner at Bayside. How soon the bad writers on this show forget there’s actually little difference between Zack Morris and Slater.
Of course, the kicker is that Rick’s a hockey player, too, so he tells Zack Morris he’ll see him tomorrow at tryouts. Oh, how hilarious. Now Zack Morris has to try out for hockey. Wait, that would be a better plot than what follows. Naturally, I don’t believe for a second that Rick’s really a hockey player but I suspect the writers have never watched a hockey game in their lives so whatever.
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After the opening credits, Mike’s suddenly taking way too much of an interest in the gang’s life and is stoked that Slater’s going to be in Sigma Alpha because he was in Sigma Alpha, too. Somehow Mike has gone from tough authoritarian guy to wanting to be one of the gang in just a few episodes. Quite a feet considering it took Mr. Belding quite a few more episodes than that to achieve that level of boundary crossing.
Oh, and there’s a running gag throughout the episode that Mike supposedly pulled off an awesome prank for the Sigma Alphas of taking the clapper out of the bell in the bell tower, causing the bell to not ring. Yeah, it’s not funny and no one laughs about it except the audience. It even stumps Screech, which takes talent to do considering his level of dumb assery.
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Zack Morris arrives back from hockey tryouts beat because he actually went through with trying out for a sport completely out of his league. He’s so desperate to get into Sigma Alpha he’d suck Rick’s cock to get in. Instead, he sucks up to Mike and Mike promises he’ll put in a good word for Zack Morris. Screech, for some reason, thinks this means him as well and Mike has to be the one to break it to Screech that no one likes him and, in the real world, he’d never get into a fraternity. Hell, he probably wouldn’t have friends in real life.
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But, wait, the girls need their own Greek life subplot so Alex has inadvertently been invited to the party for Beta Delta, a completely made up sorority but at least they didn’t use the name of a real one. Leslie’s mother was in Kappa Theta which means she automatically gets rushed for it. Conveniently, Kelly wants into Kappa Theta, too. Also, by a huge contrivance, Beta Delta and Kappa Theta are rivals at Cal U which means Kelly and Alex get to really hate each other for no reason this episode and oh god why the fuck do I have to review this stupid shit? I hated Greek life when I was in college and this stupid episode isn’t helping!
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In the student union, Rick randomly joins Zack Morris and Slater after Zack Morris has been begging Slater to put in a good word for him. Slater tells Rick Zack Morris should be in Sigma Alpha and Rick’s all like, “Okay!” Well, that was the easiest resolution to a plot ever! Can we end the episode now?
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Of course not because this is the part of the episode where the plot suddenly shifts to being about Screech’s constant idiocy! Yes, he comes in making balloon animals so Zack Morris and Slater have to shoo him off because he’s making them look bad in front of Rick. The idiot verses the douche bag. You know, considering what I know about Screech, I would probably pick the douche bag, too.
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Back in the suite, Leslie overhears Zack Morris and Slater talking shit about Screech because neither of them want to be anywhere near him. I’m beginning to see how he got transferred to Bayside after a year at college: no one could stand him anymore. Leslie’s all, “I’m going to judge your complicated relationship with a guy you’ve known for years even though I still barely know you!” and tells them they’re being pieces of shit to Screech. They’re all, “You don’t understand! This is his sixth year in this franchise! We’re beginning to crack and don’t know how much more of his idiocy we can take!”
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They briefly consider telling Screech to fuck off away from the Sigma Alpha open house but then find Screech on the phone with his father telling his father how he’s going to be in a fraternity and that it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him! Never mind that Screech created artificial life, graduated valedictorian, dated Tori Spelling, and briefly had psychic powers. Being in a club of douche bags is the best thing that’s ever happened to him!
After a commercial break, Zack Morris and Slater decide to make Screech cool and shit. They change his name to Brad because both Screech and Samuel suck ass. Also, despite using Screech’s real name in the past, Zack Morris doesn’t seem to know it. They try to help Screech with his hobbies and shit and even try to show him how to walk like a real cool dude, causing the audience to lose their shit even more than Zack Morris showing his leg.
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Naturally, Screech is a lost cause because he sucks at life.
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They even bring the girls in to give Screech a fashion makeover, which gives Kelly and Alex a chance to fight some more and advance their stupid subplot. Jesus fucking Christ. I’m watching these people dress Screech. Are they going to do anything actually plot related in this episode or would I have a better time masturbating with sandpaper and lemon juice?
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Oh, good, let’s cut to the Sigma Alpha party so we can see Mike continue to talk about his stupid bell story while the Sigma Alphas obsess over Mike being an adult and being at Cal U.
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The boys come in and, since people in the Saved by the Bell universe can only remember stuff when it’s convenient to the plot, they don’t remember they’ve met Screech before and believe the stupid story that Screech is actually Brad. We have some more stupid frat stuff as Zack Morris convinces people too stupid to be at college that Screech is a real cool dude while Screech tells the same people they can’t see his underwear. Yeah, no kidding.
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Kelly and Alex even pretend to fight over Screech’s hot body and it gives them yet another opportunity to advance their stupid “fighting over sororities” subplot.
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Screech concludes his time at the party by bringing his stupid animal balloons back out. IS THIS FUCKING EPISODE OVER YET?!?!
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Back in the boys’ room, Screech, in cow skin pajamas, continues to obsess over his stupid animal balloons. Sigma Alpha seems to be the fattest acting frat in the history of Greek life since they immediately come in and grab the three of them to take them off for initiation: sliming them. Yeah, no very special episode about hazing here. Just slime.
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Unfortunately for Screech, they bring him back in and tell him his sliming was a mistake. They don’t want him in their frat because he sucks ass and shit, leaving him devastated to learn that no one likes him and destined to try to find acceptance with the next generation of Bayside’s youth.
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At the Sigma Alpha house, Zack Morris and Slater try to convince Rick and the others that Screech doesn’t suck ass quite as much as they think he does but Rick’s all, “We don’t want future felons among our ranks.” This leaves Zack Morris and Slater to consider their future in the Sigma Alphas.
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Kelly finds Mike mopping up the remnants of the Sigma Alpha initiation and he tells her he’s decided that frats aren’t so great when you’re in your forties so he probably won’t be participating with Sigma Alpha any longer since he is supposed to be the mentor figure.
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Kelly spots the Kappa Thetas coming and they tell Leslie they’ve come to rush her. Leslie tells them she’s been surprised to find out over the last few days that frats and sororities are stupid cliques that no one need be a part of so she’s decided to join. Kelly’s devastated to find out that they don’t want her because plot, and Alex comes out to join the little pity party they’ve got going because she didn’t get into the Beta Deltas either so this subplot has just been completely stupid.
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They’re ready to write off sororities as completely stupid when Pi Tsi , yet another made up sorority, comes to rush both Kelly and Alex.
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Naturally, this makes them do a complete turnabout and jump in place dramatically for the camera since there will never be a better thing in the history of anything.
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Leslie decides to leave the end of the stupid sorority subplot to find Screech sitting depressed on the couch. She tries to comfort him since she doesn’t yet realize he’s not worth comforting and tells him she turned down a rush since frats and sororities are stupid and shit.
Zack Morris and Slater come in and tell Screech that they’re not Sigma Alphas either and that they were rushed by accident. Screech thinks this is wonderful since they can all be independents together and shit.
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Leslie tells Zack Morris her bullshit detector on him is finally working and she realizes he lied to Screech, but that it was sweet what he did. He naturally takes this to mean that she wants to fuck his brains out and she tells him to go shower first and find out what’s going on in the boys’ room so we can finally end this stupid episode.
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Rick and the Sigma Alphas come in and tell Screech they’re forced to take him given that they’re such douches no one else wanted to be a Sigma Alpha. Screech is initially reluctant but Zack Morris and Slater encourage him to go with them, where he’s slimed off screen. It won’t be until his porno that he’s slimed on screen.
Mike comes in upset that the Sigma Alphas have, once again, messed up his floor and tel Zack Morris and Slater that they better fucking help him mop it up because plo.
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And our episode ends with Screech randomly coming in and jumping in Mike’s arms post-slime. What a stupid fucking episode and may we never hear about Sigma Alpha again since I’ve already reviewed the episode of The New Class that’s kind of a sequel to this one.
vlcsnap-error563During the credits, we get more stupidity involving how balloon animals suck ass while we get an extended version of Screech jumping in Mike’s arms and wiping his spooge all over Mike’s masculine pecs. How disturbing.
Firsts: Sigma Alpha.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Nov 24, 2015 3:31:43 GMT
The College Years Episode 5: “Slater’s War”
In our cold opening, Zack Morris is, once again, determined to fuck Leslie. He wants to take her to San Francisco to see Pearl Jam and she’s all, “Because it’s convenient to the plot, I’ve decided I don’t want to date you again!” He notices a ski in her general vicinity and invites her on a ski trip since everyone in this universe seems to be obsessed with skiing despite four of them being from Southern California. Leslie’s initially hesitant, as would be any sane woman, but, when he promises it will be a part of a group trip, she agrees in the interest of pushing the plot along. Naturally, Zack Morris lets the audience in his living room know that he intends to ditch any other group members in favor of getting lucky.
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After the credits, we find out that the writers are already running out of ideas for subplots as they’ve decided to rerun the plot from “Slater’s Friend,” having Screech watch Mike’s mouse, a project to explore the interaction between behavior and diet, while he’s off at a sensitivity training seminar. Get it? Mike’s a big macho former football player but he’s going to a sensitivity seminar. Isn’t it hilarious? Laugh damn you!
The only good thing about this scene is the mouse poops in Screech’s hand. I don’t blame it. I have many times wished I could do that!
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Zack Morris starts trying to recruit people for the ski trip. Kelly has to work at the job she suddenly has at the student health center, Alex is up for a part in a play, and Screech sucks ass. That only leaves one possibility if Zack Morris hopes to get laid.
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Yes, Slater will come along and he’ll even bring his own date to get frisky with because he can be just as big a womanizer as Zack Morris when he puts his mind to it.
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Slater’s date comes in the form of very random Spanish speaking girl Theresa, who seems to think all Latinos speak Spanish and is shocked to learn Slater took French in high school. The audience loses their shit when she insists Spanish is a sexy language and waste time before class starts.
Whatever class they’re in, their professor is studying bias in the media and they talk about Eurocentricism and, since Theresa seems to be going for it, Slater tells hr he thinks Eurocentrism is sexy and they should meet later before thy fuck.
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Back at the suite, Screech has already managed to lose Mike’s mouse, freaking Alex the fuck out to where she gets a bat to beat the shit out the mouse. Fortunately, Zack Morris opens the door, letting the mouse open as Screech, Kelly, and Alex chase after it and leading to a rare moment of meta insight: that he’s living in the world’s worst Tom and Jerry cartoon.
And, in case you’re worried about Leslie going on the ski trip, she’s rightfully nervous that it’s just Zack Morris and Slater with her on the trip. He assures her that Slater’s bringing a date who can read and everything!
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At the student union, Theresa starts going on about how Mexican-Americans are underrepresented in academic studies and Cal U needs an independent Chicano Studies department. Bow, an episode all about how Latinos are shit on and we’re off to a great start as Theresa assumes Chicanos are the only Latinos at Cal U who need representation. Besides, according to “Running Zack,” Slater’s ancestors were matadors, meaning he’s Spanish, meaning…oh, fuck it, the writers don’t give a damn about anything other than what’s convenient for this plot, do they?
Naturally, Slater finds her talk about Latino stuff boring since he’s been with this franchise five years and has never considered he’s not white. Theresa gives him some sound bites about Latino culture and convinces him to come to a meeting about getting the Chancellor to pay attention to the Chicano Studies department rather than thinking about ski trips. Also, she criticizes the fact that Slater is an Anglo name, not a Latino name. Ironically, the actress playing Theresa changed her name to sound less Latina.
In the boy’s room, Slater tells Zack Morris he’ll find someone to go on the trip with them, but tonight he wants to go to the meeting so he can find out more about being Latino given the zero attention he’s given it in his eighteen years of life. Zack Morris thinks it’s stupid despite the fact he was super hyped to find out he is a fake Native American and Slater’s all, “You should have been paying attention all these years that I’m the Latino one even though my ethnicity has been inconsistently characterized by asshole writers who can’t keep continuity straight from one episode to the next!”
Also, yes, there’s an inside joke about Zack Morris thinking Slater was Italian. Yes, this is a throwback to a line from the original series where Slater claimed to be Italian. Yes, it’s weird that Zack Morris remembers this minor detail but can’t remember major plots like the fact that last week was actually the second time he learned the lesson that frats suck ass.
At the student union, Screech tutors Slater in how to speak Spanish while he busts tables since Slater’s decided his Mexican heritage requires him to speak Spanish suddenly. Also, Screech is keeping cheese in his pants, hoping to attract Mike’s mouse. Sadly, this is not the scariest thing Screech has ever done.
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Now comes the part of the episode where we go from being merely stupid to being inane and irritating. This is where Slater becomes a straw Latino, taking offense at anything anyone says in the least and assuming it’s a slight to his Latino heritage, including this grunger who is a little rude but just wants his damned table cleared by the guy who works there.
I should explain what I mean by a straw Latino. A straw Latino is a person who’s obsessed with their Latino heritage to caricature. These sorts of caricatures are used by lazy writers to make lots of legitimate causes look ridiculous by showing a character taking legitimate issues to ridiculous lengths. That’s what’s going on here. Slater’s taking offense at every little remark, twisting it to his liking. The goal is to allow us to simply dismiss Slater and Theresa and, by extension, activists in real life, as stupid, reactionary, and not worth listening to. In reality, the writers are just extremely lazy and not even trying, relying on a trope that diminishes real issues in hopes of cheap laughs.
But, more than all this, you should hate this scene because it’s completely out of character for Slater and doing exactly what the crew of Saved by the Bell claim they never do: diminish the characters to their race. Whatever reason you hate this episode for, hate it and hate it with fierceness. I’m so annoyed by this episode and we’re only halfway through.
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So now that we’ve had a bit of horrible inclusion of social issues, let’s get back to important things, like Alex freaking the fuck out over the loose mouse. I asks a friend whether Alex ever does anything except act like she’s bat shit crazy, and his response was no. I think she was separated at birth from Vicki Needleman. She puts masking tape all over the door to keep it closed so the mouse doesn’t get in the girls’ room as Kelly watches and wonders why she came back to the franchise.
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Meanwhile, Mike returns and wants to know where the fuck his mouse is, not comforted by the fact that Screech has cheese in his pants. They hear screaming from the girls’ room, with Alex screaming that masking tape is too strong to break off the door. Mike goes running, hoping to find his mouse, and does the rational thing…
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…of breaking the girls’ paper thin door down and searching everywhere for the mouse. Kelly tells him Alex is just crazy and hearing things, which leaves Mike nearly in tears as he describes how he’d become close to the mouse and is now sad that the mouse is gone. If only Mr. Belding was there to give an inspirational speech about losing your pet friends.
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Back to the fucking annoying plot, Theresa spouts on and on about the chancellor ignoring their demands and Slater suggests they have a sit-in to take over the chancellor’s office tomorrow night. This annoys Zack Morris since that means missing the ski trip. Oh, yeah, Zack Morris, Leslie, and Alex are randomly there, too. They argue over how Slater should get back to his real priority: getting laid, but he says he’s not going to ask Theresa to cancel the sit in.vlcsnap-2015-09-21-17h27m16s63
Back at the boys’ room, Zack Morris and Slater fight over the situation using a method I approve of: inflicting pain upon Screech. This naturally doesn’t lead to resolution since there’s still five minutes left in the episode and they argue pointlessly over the situation I just wish would end and shit. Zack Morris actually asks why Slater would pick this weekend to be a Chicano being that it inconveniences Zack Morris, and Slater says it’s about him learning off-screen his father changed their last name from Sanchez to get into the military academy. Yeah, really, no kidding. Sanchez. God help me in these last few minutes.
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Back to the important mouse subplot, Mike’s putting up posters looking for his mouse. Yeah, I’m sure someone will randomly recognize the mouse based on this poster. Kelly comes up and says she was channeling Jessie and found the mouse off-screen but hid him because he was afraid Mike would do cruel experiments on him. Now she can see he really cares about the mouse and has decided to give him back. Unfortunately, the shoe box she brought has shoes in it and they hear Alex screaming, leading Mike back to his mouse and ending this all important plot.
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At the sit-in, Theresa and Slater won’t back down, even when a representative for the chancellor comes in and threatens to have them all arrested. They tell the representative that the media is on their way and the man walks off to consult on what to do.
Zack Morris comes in and tries to talk Slater out of being arrested. He won’t back down, though, believing that his cause is just. The representative for the chancellor returns and Zack Morris gives gives a speech about listening to each other and shit. The representative says the chancellor is unmoved by Zack Morris speech because he already wants to meet with the protesters at 9:00 the following morning so we can end this subplot. The protesters, sans Slater and Zack Morris, go off to celebrate and watch Alex chain herself to the bike rack for media attention.
Zack Morris and Slater make up for their fight and say they love each other more than any stupid exaggerated stereotypes that the untalented writers for this show may come up with. They promise to be friends forever.
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And our episode ends with Zack Morris and Slater walking off arm in arm, finally having found their love for each other.
Thank god this episode is over. Let us never speak of it again. No, really, I’m betting it will never be spoken of again.
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During the credits, Alex does some more bat shit crazy stuff hoping to usurp a protest to benefit her own acting career, and we get to see Screech experience more pain during the fight between Zack Morris and Slater.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Nov 24, 2015 3:32:30 GMT
The College Years Episode 6: “The Homecoming”
In the cold opening, Slater’s obsessing over football cards because he’s looking for his Johnny Walters rookie card. Seems he wants to get it autographed and Zack Morris thinks that’s totally lame because he has to live out the trope of initially hating someone he’s going to love the rest of the episode.
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Kelly gets in on the action, revealing she randomly has his underwear advertisement because that’s not creepy at all. Zack Morris doesn’t understand why people should love Johnny Walters so much since he puts on his underwear one leg at a time, just like him. Unfortunately, this is the part in the episode where we learn Screech doesn’t know how to put on underwear because he’s a complete moron.
Kelly wishes she could go to the alumni banquet tomorrow because she wants to obsess over Johnny Walters and how Cal U is going to retire his jersey. Kelly’s shown more interest in football over the last forty-seven seconds then she has in the past four years of the franchise because she’s proven that she likes a big…underwear advertisement.
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Mike brings in a graded psychology test for Zack Morris. Turns out he’s a TA in one of Zack Morris’s classes and helped tutor him to a B. Our supposed genius from Bayside, ladies and gentlemen, proving he can’t ace an introduction to psychology class without tutoring and proving my point about SATs not predicting college performance. Zack Morris plans on having Mike help him on his term paper for the class but doesn’t want to start until next week because he suddenly cares about homecoming.
Mike, though, because he’s the straight-laced character the writers can’t figure out what the hell to do with, plans on studying because he’s the responsible one in the cast. Oh, and his buddy Johnny Walters is coming to visit, too, because it’s convenient to the plot to have him know Mike. Yeah, Mike played football with Johnny Walters at both Cal U and the 49’ers because that’s likely.
Kelly’s majorly freaked out she’s going to meet yet another fake celebrity because she’s already gotten to meet so many being a part of this franchise. Zack Morris thinks he’s lame, though, because he suddenly doesn’t like fake celebrities due to plot contrivance-itis.
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Naturally, Johnny Walters enters and hears Zack Morris badmouth him, leading Zack Morris to break the fourth wall and ask why the studio audience can’t be useful for once and have inexplicable emotions around something that would make sense.
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After the credits, Leslie’s obsessing over cleaning the suite because her parents are coming to visit. Naturally, Screech has a bicycle that he’s oiling in the middle of the living room, leading her to ask why he can’t take a day off from being a dumb ass. Slater tells him to get the fuck out because we don’t have time for him right now.
In case you forgot, Zack Morris reminds us how Leslie’s parents are big shots on campus, with halls named after them due to their donations. It’s going to be a subplot that I don’t give a damn about, isn’t it?
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Speaking of subplots I don’t give a shit about, in her bat shit crazy scenario of the week, Alex is practicing to play Cal U’s mascot, a falcon. Slater says she’s fucking insane and she sulks off in protest that someone would dare point out the insanity of a character in this show.
Also, Leslie can’t figure out how to put an ironing board in the closet because it’s apparently hilarious that she doesn’t know how to fold it in.
Meanwhile, in typical Zack Morris fashion, he suddenly decides he loves Johnny Walters because he’s on the board of several corporations and might be able to help Zack Morris’s budding finance career he’s dreams of for six episodes.
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Given this new knowledge, Zack Morris finds Johnny Walters in Mike’s room and starts his typical suck uppery under pretense of working on his paper with Mike. Zack Morris apologizes to Johnny, hoping he can still get some selfish gain out of it.
Johnny asks Mike to introduce him at the alumni dinner, which doesn’t matter at all because they won’t revisit this plot thread the rest of the episode. Johnny invites Zack Morris out to lunch with him and Mike so they can grow to love each other in an off-screen cliche.
Also, a running gag this episode is that Johnny talks about his exploits as a football player and no one gives a shit that Mike was involved in them as well. Yeah, it’s as monotonous and unfunny as it sounds.
Back in the suite, Slater apologizes to Alex for pointing out the obvious truth and offers to give her pointers on acting like a falcon.
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This leads to…Screech joining them in acting completely bat shit insane. Jesus Fucking Christ. I’m watching half the cast of The College Years dance around a room like birds. This is scarier than any film Alfred Hitchcock could have ever made.
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In the girls’ room, Leslie’s parents arrived off screen, and they’re engaged in yet another sitcom cliche: the rich snobs who pick apart everything, hating random things like that their daughter dare have to share a closet with two other girls, ragging on Kelly’s sense of fashion, and trying to set her up with a boy. Yeah, this is supposed to be developing character for Leslie as the rebellious daughter who broke class divisions, but it’s really just making me wish I could get drunk and forget about this episode.
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Also, they discover that the people who live in the suite are insane and decide they need to get their daughter out of this bull shit as fast as possible.
Leslie lies to her parents about having a date to the alumni dinner and, after they leave, tells Kelly she would just love to bring someone that would completely freak them out.
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And who better than Screech, dressed and ready to scoop up elephant poo. No, seriously, he’s dressed and ready to scoop up elephant poo in the homecoming parade. I think this is more than what’s necessary to shock Leslie’s parents. This is sufficient for them to have Leslie committed.
Leslie asks Screech to the dinner, fully admitting it’s to shock her parents, and he thinks it’d be a great idea to put his idiocy to good use.
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In the student union, Kelly obsesses over Johnny as she has him sign the underwear ad. Naturally, they don’t show us where he signs it. Johnny decides he likes Zack Morris and wants to invite him to the alumni dinner. After Johnny leaves, Mike suddenly decides halfway through the episode that Johnny is flawed and, despite the fact they haven’t foreshadowed any character flaws in Johnny to this point, Mike insists that Johnny has flaws. I wonder if those flaws will be more Johnny Dakota or Rod Belding in origin.
Zack Morris also asks Leslie to the dinner and finds out he now ranks below Screech. That’s sad.
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Alex comes in and lets Slater know that she got the role of mascot. To thank him, she invites him to the alumni dinner, which she’s now invited to because she’s the mascot and the mascot gets to go for some reason. He accepts because why the hell not.
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So it’s time for the alumni banquet and, proving Kelly is always Zack Morris’s back-up plan, he brings her in Leslie’s place.
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While Alex shows up in her falcon costume to take photos.
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Screech is ready to act even more bat shit crazy than usual. Irnoically, when Screech tries to act bat shit crazy, he’s less successful than when he doesn’t try.
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Johnny introduces Zack Morris to a random big shot and invite Zack Morris to golf tomorrow. He accepts, hoping something’s in it for him.
Slater makes Alex cry again by letting her know he’s ashamed to be on a date with a crazy woman dressed as a bird. I have no sympathy for Slater. He should have known what he was getting into with this one.
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Leslie’s parents are horrified to discover their daughter is dating a man who makes Donald Trump look sane by comparison. They’ve had enough when Leslie says she’s engaged to Screech, and she finally admits this whole subplot is designed to piss them off. And this subplot ends with Leslie’s parents going into therapy as Screech implies their grandchildren will be named Itchy and Scratchy.
Zack Morris tells Mike about his invitation to play golf tomorrow. Mike reiterates to Zack Morris that there will be forced vices forced upon Johnny’s character even though they still haven’t even been hinted at other than Mike’s insistance that Johnny is a bad guy. Zack Morris walks off, pissed off because he thinks Mike is jealous of Johnny, which it does look like Mike is jealous of Johnny at this point to anyone who didn’t know this was Saved by the Bell.
Johnny invites Kelly to go downtown with him to an interview, excited that she gets to be with another fake celebrity.
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Oh, and in the forced romance of the century, Slater makes up with Alex and lets her know that he’s decided that, since he dated a girl with bat shit crazy tendencies in high school, he figures he can do it in college as well and fuck that girl he was supposed to have liked last week. Now he can go for a person obsessed with dressing like birds instead of one obsessed with her Latino heritage. He proceeds to make out with his little falcon as a photo is snapped to help him remember this moment years from now when he looks back at it with shame.
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The next day, Kelly reveals to Zack Morris that Johnny tried to fuck her but she said no because she’s saving herself for the inevitable relationship she’ll have with Zack Morris that viewers can see coming from a mile away.
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Zack Morris tells Johnny to fuck off with his golf games and shit since he’s a womanizer and that’s now a bad thing in the Saved by the Bell universe.
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He then goes and apologizes to Mike, who tells Zack Morris that we should all hate Johnny because he’s egotistical, selfish, and hits on girls off-screen. So…he’s exactly like Zack Morris! Mike says he is jealous of Johnny, though, because he still gets to play football while Mike has two bad knees. And our episode ends with Zack Morris insisting that Mike is a valuable member of The College Years cast despite the fact the writers can’t seem to figure out if they want him to be a mentor/authority figure or a seventh member of the gang.
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During the credits, we get more of Leslie attempting to put the ironing board away. How thrilling.
Firsts: Slater likes Alex.
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