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Post by sbtbfanatic on Mar 17, 2016 15:28:46 GMT
The New Class Season 5, Episode 1: “Desperately Seeking Work”
Our season opens with a sight unrealistic even for Reno 911: Screech as a mall security guard. Yes, some idiot decided it would be a good idea to give Screech authority over shit because that always works out well. Also, it would seem that Yukon Yogurt went out of business as there’s a new store in its place and Mr. Belding basically wanders around the mall most of the episode with the excuse he’s buying presents for Little Zack’s birthday, but I’m beginning to think he doesn’t want to go home anymore. At least Mr. Belding admits that he doesn’t have much time between work and having a family. I just wish he’d realized that two seasons ago when he started taking random jobs.
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Maria joins Eric, Katie, and a random blonde girl in the food court to announce that the Teen Machine wants to hire a waitress. It would seem that Maria has managed to hold a job at the same place longer now than any character from the franchise except for Kelly. It’s a good thing there are constantly old stores closing and new stores opening in the mall or the rest of the gang would never find jobs!
Now, most important is: who the hell is this random blonde girl? You’d be really confused if you were watching this when it first aired as they don’t say her name once the entire episode and she only has a couple scenes. But a quick glance at the opening credits confirms she’s Rachel’s replacement.
Well, luckily, this is 2016 and we have a little invention called IMDB. As a result, I know this is Liz Miller (Ashley Cafagna), the latest addition to our gang of the damned. And, yes, NBC fucking aired the season premiere out of order because they’re dumb asses. The reason they made this stupid choice will become crystal clear in a moment, and it will be even stupider. In any case, we’ll be formally introduced to Liz next week.
While I’ve been distracted by who the hell Liz is, Katie and Eric announce they’re both going for the same job at the mall gym, Pumps, setting up the main plot.
Nicky arrives and announces he’s gotten a job at Media Mania, the store that took Yukon Yogurt’s place in the food court, because, when I think food court, I think cheap CD Rom games. Ryan’s working there too and helped Nicky get the job, thus marking the second time in three episodes he’s gone against character and got a job instead of being a lazy fuck up.
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In the gym, Katie’s interview goes well and the manager takes Eric back for his interview. She tells a jogging Maria how stoked she is that she thinks the job is a done deal, and they get a juice to celebrate the obvious conflict that’s about to happen. After a wipe screen indicates some time has passed, the manager comes out and tells Katie she sucks ass and he’s hiring Eric instead. Now, one could interpret this as a regurgitation of the sexism plot from last season but, no, this is season five so it will be even more boring. Maria tells Katie not to worry as she can still apply at the Teen Machine.
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At Media Mania, the boss, Wacky Wanda, likes to give everyone wacky nicknames like “Nutty Nicky” and “Ring-a-ding Ryan.” It’s a shame Screech doesn’t work there or he could be “Shithead Screech.” Well, we quickly find out what this subplot will be as Ryan makes Nicky clean the employee restroom while he sexually harasses some girls.
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Oh and Eric apparently gets commission for recruiting new members and gets to work convincing Mr. Belding how much of a fat ass he’s become. Mr. Belding decides to join but, don’t worry, this isn’t a new subplot. It’s just another random thing Mr. Belding’s doing while he’s wandering aimlessly throughout the mall.
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So Screech with any sort of authority goes as you’d expect: he harasses old women and small children. He also gives Mr. Belding a “mall citation” for missing the trashcan with a cookie wrapper because three of those means Mr. Belding is banned from the mall. Yep, dropping a cookie wrapper is a horrible offense. Seriously, why doesn’t anyone lock Screech away in a padded cell and throw away the key? He’s acted like a complete dumb ass for years now, but now he’s a complete dumb ass with authority!
Meanwhile, Maria lets Katie know she didn’t get the job at the Teen Machine because she continues to suck at life and because Maria’s boss apparently sends messages through his employees rather than contacting them directly. I’m sure that violates some confidentiality laws. She says that there’s a job at the Cookie Jar she might be able to get.
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But she gets there and finds that Liz, the girl whose name no one even knows her name yet, has beat her to the job because Katie is lower on the totem pole than the random blonde girl who wandered into their group of friends and can’t even get a job serving cookies even though this is obviously the Yukon Yogurt set repurposed. Please tell me Mr. Belding doesn’t no own a cookie store…
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After a commercial break, everyone talks about how awesome it is to have jobs. Katie talks about how horrible it is that no one wants her as an employee and, since the mall is the only place in Los Angeles that ever hires teenagers, she’s out of luck for a job. It’s a shame there’s not a place that recently burned down that might be looking for an employee for its grand reopening. Nah, that’s just crazy talk.
Nicky mentions that Media Mania is hiring a new computer bookkeeper but Katie sucks ass at QuickBooks, too, so she’s not qualified. After the rest of the gang leave, Katie tells Maria she’s good at math so she might be good at bookkeeping after all and decides she will “stretch the truth” on her resume because that’s not likely to blow up in her face on a show that has to have a lesson for its target audience every episode.
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Meanwhile, Screech continues to harass Mr. Belding over parking his car crooked. He has Mr. Belding’s car towed because he’s a jack ass. And yet Mr. Belding was worried last season that Screech would go to Valley. Why don’t they get rid of his shitty ass for good?
At Media Mania, Nicky finds out that they need someone to dress up in a giant bone and wander around with a Great Dane that is The New Class‘s rip-off of Lassie. Nicky tricks Ryan into taking the job by implying that Ryan would get to hang out with a star.
Katie shows up with her liar, liar, pants on fire resume and gets the job.
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So Ryan finds this whole experience humiliating, which I don’t quite understand. I love dogs. Why wouldn’t you want to get paid to walk a dog around the mall? So the fuck what if you have to wear a costume. You’re getting paid! Between this and the ugly jackets subplot last season, the writers of this show must have a really low opinion of how vain teenagers are.
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In any case, we get to see Screech talk to the damned dog while the dog stares ahead as if to say, “It’s so humiliating to have to share a scene with this dumb ass.”
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At the gym, Mr. Belding insists he only ate an apple for lunch, which is very unhealthy and an early sign of anorexia. Lucky for him, Eric seems to have become a personal trainer without any training and is here for Mr. Belding.
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Unlucky for him, Screech stalks him via the security camera and shows the pictures to Eric. Remember, if you go shopping in the Saved by the Bell universe, Stupid Ass Brother is watching you!
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Back at Media Mania, Katie seems way too excited about having a job as a bookkeeper, which apparently involves working at the counter and not in an office. In any case, why is she even working at the store? Don’t bookkeepers usually work at a corporate office?
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Ring- a-ding comes in pissed off because he got attacked by kittens and shit. Yeah, Ryan sucks at walking dogs that are trained good enough to be in films. He swears he will get revenge on Nicky.
Katie sucks at her job so much she manages to crash the entire POS system, including Nicky’s cash register which is obviously the old school style that didn’t depend on an external computer. But we need a reason for Katie to screw up so why the hell not?
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As usually happens in this universe, Katie blurts out that she lied on her application, and Wacky Wanda takes it about as well as you’d expect a character in this universe to who actually believed a teenager had extensive bookkeeping experience. Wacky Wanda fires Katie and she goes off, despondent that she sucks once again.
In the hall, Ryan tells Nicky that Olympic gymnast Shannon Miller is coming to the mall to promote her new gymnastics video and he can’t see her because Ring-a-ding has a list of jobs for Nutty to do to keep him from meeting Shannon Miller.
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Katie feels down on herself for getting fired but, lucky for her, Shannon Miller is there. See, she asks where Media Mania is and Katie tells her all about how she got fired and how much she sucks at life. Well, Shannon Miller gives her a motivational speech about how she shouldn’t give up, making everything okay for Katie and giving her an idea for a plan.
And, seriously, is this the reason NBC aired this episode as the season premiere: so they could brag about Shannon Miller being in it? Fucking hell NBC are dumb asses. They care more about a celebrity cameo than making sense and introducing their new character.
What’s worse, there’s really no excuse. Shannon Miller and Liz Miller both have the same last name. They could have easily introduced Liz via Shannon as a cousin or some shit and it would have made a lot more sense. Or, in any case, it wouldn’t have made any less sense than Jim Harbaugh being Screech’s cousin. But, no, this is the show determined to see if it can suck any worse than it has previously.
It’s no wonder they’re kind of known as being the network of suck today.
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But we need another gag involving Shannon Miller so Screech randomly accuses her of stealing her gym bag despite having absolutely no evidence of this and despite the fact he just put the mall at risk of a huge lawsuit. Why does this fucker have a job again? Luckily, Mr. Belding is there to inject some sanity into this whole thing and tells Screech to stop acting like a moron. He says he’s disappointed in Screech for acting like an idiot the way he usually does and says he needs to cut that shit out and act like he has an IQ at least matching his age.
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Back at the gym, Katie gets Eric and the gym manager to support her plan: she’s going to increase gym membership so he can afford to hire a second employee. The manager says this is so unlikely he’ll gladly agree to this ridiculousness.
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At Media Mania, Ryan does practically everything to impress Shannon Miller except ripping off his shirt while yelling, “Hulk mad!” Also, Ryan’s now randomly captain of the swim team despite the fact that this has never been mentioned before and that he was a wrestler last season. This show just loves to retcon sports into its characters’ pasts.
Nicky comes in, having completed all his tasks and Wacky Wanda is so impressed she gives Nicky a promotion to assistant manager, allowing him to abuse his new authority to do lots of shit so he can spend time with Shannon Miller.
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Screech starts to harass Eric and Katie over not having a permit but then gives them one, bringing his whole subplot to a stupid end.
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Katie dances with some random fat guy on stage in the food court and this encourages all kinds of random extras that they can exercise, too. Having a handful of new customers is apparently enough for the manager to be able to afford another employee, and our episode ends with Katie dancing with Shannon Miller and the assembled extras as the gang looks on, Ryan counting down the weeks he’ll be in this franchise.
Firsts: Liz Miller, Pumps Gym, the Cookie Jar, Media Mania.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Mar 17, 2016 15:29:25 GMT
The New Class Season 5, Episode 2: “Suddenly Ryan”
We open a new school year with the realization that, the past four years, Rachel was apparently the only thing holding together competent looking signs at Bayside. Now, she’s moved to Boston, and her replacement for sign maintainer, Maria, is so incompetent that even Nicky and his New York attitude thinks she sucks ass.
So, yeah, everyone bemoans the fact that Rachel’s gone and how awesome she is but Ryan says they’re still dating and talking and emailing every day in hopes she may yet appear in the opening credits this season.
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Mr. Belding comes out to fuck with the kids while Screech comes to fuck with Mr. Belding. See, the grand re-opening of The Max is at 4:00 pm so, naturally, Mr. Belding can’t eat an apple or he’ll ruin his appetite for the celebrations. He steals Mr. Belding’s apple and throws it to a random nerd while Mr. Belding tries to retrieve his snack. Remind me again why Mr. Belding didn’t let Screech go to Valley a few episodes ago…
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Welcome to the new Max, which is almost exactly like the old Max except it looks like Sherwin Williams came in and vomited all over the set. With these producers, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s exactly what happened: someone spilled paint and they decided they didn’t have the budget to fix it so BURN IT ALL!
Of course, the gang thinks it’s the best thing since the last bad idea the producers of this series had and they’re super excited that the status quo will be maintained after all.
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The other big change is that The Max now has an unsecured internet terminal that anyone can jump on and check their porn collection. This is The New Class, though, so they probably have no clue what the hell porn even is. In any case, Ryan uses it to check for email from Rachel.
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And Screech almost orgasms from the sight of the redesigned set as he and Mr. Belding recap the events of “Fire at the Max” just in case someone blocked the episode from their memory. And, speaking of things I want to block from my memory, Screech reminds us of the time he danced as the Pineapple Princess, thus traumatizing an entire generation of teenagers.
But, yeah, we get Screech’s subplot for the episode. See, Mr. Belding reminds him something could happen to The Max again, so he starts freaking out that he may lose his favorite diner where no one ever eats…again!
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Back to the gang, Katie was worried about not making the swim team but Liz, the captain, rushes in to tell Katie that the coach makes decisions for the team faster than anyone else alive and that she made it. Remember, this was supposed to be Liz’s introduction and not her stupid appearances at the mall last week but someone in this whole insane mess decided it was more important to have a cameo from a random Olympic gymnast in the season opener than actually introduce a new character. In any case, Liz pulls Katie away from the thrilling events of talking about how awesome The Max is so she can sit with the rest of the swim team, blowing off helping Maria with her crappy sign work.
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Back at Bayside, Screech decides he wants Mr. Belding to buy The Max. Mr. Beding says that, after owning two failed businesses the last two seasons, he can’t afford to buy a business this season. Screech has a plan, though, that involves mortgaging Mr. Belding’s house and having Mr. Belding model for photographs in his underwear while he dresses as a clown. God, the nightmares this show gives me. Mr. Belding tells Screech to stop being stupid, which is pretty impossible when that’s the only character trait Screech has nowadays, and Screech rushes out.
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But, not one to be deterred, Screech realizes he has a student body to exploit and enlists Eric to help him carry out an unethical plot that would get him fired in real life.
Meanwhile, Katie tells Maria how in love with Liz she is. Maria, jealous, suddenly realizes she’s been spending too much time on Nicky in an alternate universe and that it’s time to go after what she really wants: Katie. Katie blows off shopping with Maria so Liz can help her with her “breast stroke,” and Maria forces Nicky to go shopping instead. Yeah, this subplot is going to be a repeat of a season three plot because we’re recycling ideas we’ve already used on this show now.
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In Ryan’s room, his giant head shot of Sarah Lancaster just isn’t cutting it so he just stares at the phone, hoping Rachel will come back to the cast. Nicky comes in, exhausted from shopping, but the phone rings, interesting that fascinating dialogue, and it’s Rachel. And, yeah, things are obviously not so good judging by Ryan’s tone. Yeah, Rachel’s decided not to return to the cast, which means we need an excuse to get her out of Ryan’s life, so the writers decided she met another guy and is breaking up with Ryan as we go to commercial.
By the way, what ever happened to Ryan and Nicky sharing a room being a temporary thing? Didn’t they say there was going to be a new room for Nicky and they were only going to be in the same room for a short time? So much for continuity on this shit.
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Back at Bayside, Screech decides he needs to distract Mr. Belding by lying to him and telling him the superintendent wants him to call parent to personally let them know about the welcome back dance. Though this is a ridiculous instruction and sounds like one of the idiotic things Screech would come up with, Mr. Belding believes it anyway and goes off to allow Screech to advance the plot.
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The other subplot continues basically the same. “Liz is awesome so Maria hates her because she’s taking Katie away from her.” How fun.
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Meanwhile, Ryan’s devastated that he’s been dumped for other girls two seasons in a row, so devastated he forgot to wear a shirt. Nicky goes to see if they can find him a shirt as Screech and Eric approach the two and charge them a “hall toll,” saying the budget cuts hurt the school bad. Well, there’s the first believable thing considering it seems like this school is constantly in a budget crisis due to taking the main cast on a million expensive field trips.
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At The Max, Ryan found a shirt and a new girl. See, he says he feels like he wasted the entire summer saving his virginity for Rachel, so he’s going to make up for lost time. Yeah, sorry guys, but it seems Space Camp couldn’t have taken place during the summer because Rachel had already moved. That’s what you get for trying to make sense of the chronology of this show. And, yes, I’m aware they’ll completely contradict this in just two episodes.
Meanwhile, Maria and Katie were having a special lunch together when Katie invites Liz in. Damned hussy.
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In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding’s finished calling all the parents and wants to eat, but Screech has another task for him: sign a head shot for every student because…damned if I know. Does he think all the students fantasize about Mr. Belding as much as him? In any case, it appeals to Mr. Belding’s ego and buys him some more time to extort money out of the students.
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At the dance, Screech makes everyone pay $5.00 a head to hear more than a few seconds of Saved by the Bell elevator music. I’m pretty sure that’s more than they paid the people who composed music for this show.
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Meanwhile, Maria bitches to Nicky about how Liz is just so perfect and shit and stealing Katie away from her and Katie should just marry her and shit. Katie comes in and asks Maria if she’s seen Liz, and Maria thoroughly loses it, saying Liz just needs to back the fuck off her woman. As Maria storms out, Liz comes in and hears the tail end and tells Katie she’s not sure what the fuck kind of show she’s joined the cast of as she wants nothing to do with this stupid subplot.
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Ryan asked three girls to the dance because it’s not obvious at all that this will end with the three girls finding out about one another.
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The girls don’t much appreciate Ryan’s new polygamist leanings and make a special announcement about how much of a jack ass he is so no one will want to date him this season.
Back at Bayside, Ryan realizes he blew it with the girls but decides he needs to take out his anger on Rachel. You know, I’m not so sure Ryan didn’t grow up to be a wife beater.
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At The Max, we find out Mr. Belding discovered Screech’s bull shit off screen so he’s here to deliver the message of the episode: men in their early twenties shouldn’t be taking money from teenagers they’re in a position of authority over under false pretenses. Rather than firing Screech for gross violations of both the law and school policies, Mr. Belding tells Screech to just give the money back to everyone and it will be okay. Never mind how impossible that take will be, but this is The New Class. Oh, and Screech learns to appreciate The Max for what it is.
There’s a difference between Screech’s usual bullshit and engaging in gross misconduct. Screech, throughout the episode, has committed acts that could get him jailed, much less fired, and all he gets for it is a Belding lecture. Why are the parents at this school not outraged and protesting that one of the idiots they’ve trusted to be in charge of their children is extorting money out of them for a selfish purpose.
And, yes, I’m deliberately ignoring the fact that he’s extorting money from teenagers to buy a restaurant from someone he’s not even sure wants to sell it. Feel free to comment about the stupidity of this entire subplot.
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Liz forces Maria and Katie together and tells them both they’re being dumb asses and need to make up. Katie apologizes for neglecting Maria and Maria says she felt lonely with her being gone so long and needed to feel her precious touch. They have a make-up kiss and Maria invites Liz to stay since they still need a sixth member of the gang and, since she’s in the credits, Maria figures she’s as good a choice as any.
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In their room, Ryan tells Nicky he’s written a scathing letter to read to Rachel about how much of a bitch she is, but Nicky tells Ryan he’s used up his asshole quota for the episode so he better shape up.
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As Nicky leaves the room, Ryan calls Rachel and has a final talk with her, telling her that he was angry but now he’s going to get over her because he’ll never see her again. And our episode ends with the camera panning away as Ryan cries over the loss of a relationship I never really bought to begin with.
Firsts: The “new” Max.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Mar 17, 2016 15:29:49 GMT
The New Class Season 5, Episode 3: “It’s Not About Winning”
We open at The Max for a swim team pep rally. Yeah, remember all those tense swim team matches that you totally didn’t fall asleep at even if you weren’t the one swimming? Also, yay for totally retconning Ryan and Nicky as swimmers considering last season they retconned Ryan as a wrestler. It’s so cool how a show with next to no sense of continuity can just think random shit up in their heads and make it so.
Well, here’s the deal: the girls are undefeated and the boys haven’t won a match. Naturally, this means Bayside loves the girls team and thinks the boys suck ass.
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Which sets up conflict between the captains, Liz and Ryan. You know, I have to say: The New Class is showing a bit of restraint here. Ryan and Rachel have been broken up a whole episode and they don’t have these two fucking yet. Congrats, The New Class!
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And it’s time to set up our subplot. See, Eric is supposed to be interviewing Nicky for the radio station, but he’d rather interview Shauna right into his bedroom. Since it’s Eric, we know this will be a one episode romance, if that, so let’s humor Eric that he actually has a chance at this.
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And we cut directly to the boys discussing their defeat against Westwood. Yeah, Westwood matches don’t matter worth shit because they’re only a warm-up to the Valley match next week, which matters a whole lot more. Liz and Katie aren’t confident against Valley, either, so they decide they need more practice time. But the pool is already fully booked, so Liz will have to find an idiotic administrator within Bayside who can make it happen. Whoever will she choose?!?!
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In Mr. Belding’s office, Eric pulls the gender card so he can get Mr. Belding to switch him to covering the girls team and he can stare at Shauna in her bathing suit. Mr. Belding, having been born yesterday, agrees to this, which also means Maria will be switched to covering the boys team despite the fact I distinctly remember her being fired from the radio station last season for getting it on with Nicky.
After Eric leaves…
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00:0000:12 May you have the same nightmares I will tonight. But, yes, Mr. Belding and Screech practically orgasm over the possibility of a state championship for Bayside, something Mr. Belding says they haven’t even glimpsed the possibility of since he was in the spelling bee. Of course, this completely ignores Slater’s football and wrestling as well as Zack Morris’s cross country in season one of the original series, but, as with Ryan and Nicky suddenly being swimmers, if it pops in the head of the writers, it is true via the retcon monster.
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After Mr. Belding leaves, Liz comes in and, surprise, surprise, the incompetent moron she picked was Screech. She tells Screech they need more practice time and, though Screech initially tells her this is impossible, she pulls the “we might not make it to state championships” card. Screech says he will make it happen because plot.
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At the pool, Screech breaks the news to the boys that they suck ass so they can’t practice and become better because he’s a jack ass. He promises he’ll find a way for them to practice, though.
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Eric continues flirting with Shauna, and he soon breaks the news to Maria, who’s crushed she has to cover a team that sucks ass. Her attitude upsets Nicky because, oh yeah, they’re still dating. I can’t believe I forgot that by their lack of on-screen chemistry.
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In the gym, we see Screech’s idiotic idea for the boys.
practice: suspend yourself above a baby pool and do the strokes in the air. I wish I was fucking joking about this one. This is why Screech shouldn’t be allowed to do anything. Ryan decides it’s time to put a plan into action to get their practice time back so he doesn’t have to put up with Screech’s bull shit anymore.
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This involves Ryan calling the girls on the payphone and telling them that Bob Costas wants to do a piece with them about undefeated high school swim teams. Going by the rule that all characters in this franchise are idiots when it’s convenient to the plot, Liz sees nothing odd about Bob Costas giving a shit about their team or about the fact he’s calling them on a payphone. Ryan keeps them distracted long enough that they’re in the hallway after the bell so Mr. Belding catches them and gives the entire team detention because Bayside apparently doesn’t give warnings for minor infractions of the rules.
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The girls are none too happy they were fooled by Ryan’s stupid plan and Ryan’s pissed about the girls being haughty and possessive with the pool. So Ryan challenges Liz to a one-on-one race with the winner getting all the practice time, though Nicky reminds Ryan that Liz is a regional swimming champ.
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And, so, we get to the only good part of this episode: Richard Lee Jackson in a speedo. Say what you will about the character of Ryan or Richard Lee Jackson’s acting, but he sure fills out a speedo nicely. It brings some nice feelings to an otherwise dull and all over the place episode.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t help him beat Liz as she hardily kicks his ass in the match.
After the match, Shauna calls Eric out for using the reporting to try and go out with her and she marches off in the best disgusted/offended look her actress can muster.
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Mr. Belding comes in, upset that he heard from the radio about the grudge match. Ryan quits, saying the boys suck ass and it’s not even worth it.
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In his office, Mr. Belding says he can’t believe his administrative assistant would do something so incompetent. I don’t know why Mr. Belding is always so surprised by Screech’s conduct. This is his fourth year of idiocy in his position of authority and he just keeps getting worse every year. Mr. Belding must have a short memory. Liz says it’s all her fault because she wanted to win so bad. Once again, Liz’s confession means that Screech will have absolutely no repercussions for his behavior. Liz and Screech decide they have to find a way to make it up to the boys, though.
At The Max, Eric tells Maria she can cover the girls again since he’s not going to get laid by Shauna anyway. She says she’ll take it since the boys suck ass so bad, upsetting Nicky because they’re dating and stuff, remember?
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Liz and the girls team come in and throw an impromptu pep rally for the boys’ team, saying that they’ve learned a valuable lesson: that they need to support all teams, whether they’re winning or losing, and we have our educational content for the week. Screech saying his usual idiotic shit doesn’t even dampen the spirit. Also, it’s a good thing Mr. Russell doesn’t mind that Bayside just randomly comes in and disrupts his business for their own purposes without paying. Why did he rebuild The Max again?
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The entire boys team comes up except Ryan, so Liz goes over to apologize to him personally. She convinces Ryan not to give up swimming because the writers spent so much time creating this retcon.
Maria tells Nicky she feels guilty she made fun of the boys team so much and they kiss and make up because they’re dating! She tells Eric she’s staying with the boys team so she can root for her man.
Shauna overhears, surprised that Eric wanted to give up covering the girls team. This somehow makes up for her being pissed at Eric earlier, and we have a confusing resolution to Eric’s subplot.
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At the match, there’s a record crowd there for a swim meet, and we get some more Richard Lee Jackson in a speedo, which might make this last minute and a half a bit more bearable.
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Liz wishes Ryan luck and introduces him to Olympic gold medalist Janet Evans, who likes to go to random high school swim meets and coach the swimmers when there’s pride on the line. Jesus, did NBC make Olympic athletes take a blood oath to appear on their shitty Saturday morning shows when they won the rights to cover the 1996 Olympics? In any case, Janet Evans gives Ryan some advice: try not to lift up your head when you breathe, and relax, this is supposed to be fun. Naturally these are things Ryan should have learned when he took swim lessons.
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But they apparently work, and Ryan wins the match, the only win for the boys that day. So, was this a happy ending or not?
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I’m going with not, because our episode ends with Screech pushing Janet Evans in the pool and Janet Evans briefly considering whether to murder him or not. That would have been a happy ending.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Mar 17, 2016 15:30:39 GMT
The New Class Season 5, Episode 4: “Football & Physics”
We open with Screech apparently believing it’s five years ago and he’s a student at Bayside. I can only assume he’s lost what little bit of sanity he may have been desperately holding onto and is simply going through an automated process of what was, no doubt, the only time in his life he wasn’t a complete outcast.
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No, that would actually be semi-interesting and finally explain shit about Screech’s insanity. No, he’s put an ironing board in the locker and is using it as his desk. No fucking joke. So we immediately get his subplot: he wants some space of his own, but Mr. Belding tells him they don’t have enough space for the dumb ass to have an office. He agrees, though, to give Screech a corner of his office until they figure out something more permanent, which I’m sure won’t backfire at all with the world’s most incompetent administrator.
The more urgent questions, though, is: Is that Lisa on the ironing board? Is Screech seriously hoping Lisa will return to him and marry him? Fucking hell, this is psychotic bull shit right there. Someone call her and tell her to take out a restraining order. Now.
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Meanwhile, Eric runs into Mr. Belding after catching a football. Yes, Eric’s still the only football player in the cast so you just know that, with football in the title, this episode is going to revolve around him. That’s not very comforting considering how I felt about his episodes last season.
In this episode, Ryan and Nicky are helping Eric practice in the middle of the hallway hoping to be a starter. He says the new coach is giving him extra special love and attention for his football game so he’s all fired up. Mr. Belding tells him to take the practice outside like a normal person and then brags to Screech that’s how you handle misbehavior, not with detention or any such nonsense for potentially hurting someone.
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And, with that, it’s time to find out the girls’ subplot for the week. To sum it up: Rachel’s awesome and Liz sucks ass. Yes, throughout the episode, we have to listen as Maria and Katie talk about how awesome Rachel was and how they wish she’d move back and how much better she was in bed than Liz. In this case, they miss Rachel for shopping because Liz has never been in a mall in her life, even though she was in the very first episode this season. Every time The New Class tries to have consistent chronology, they take a couple steps back. Also, what the fuck is up with Katie suddenly liking shopping despite how much whining she did last season when Rachel and Maria started bragging about their expensive purchases. God, it’s like a dog with ADHD.
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In the locker room, we meet Coach Wagner, who’s busy giving his team a pep talk about the game against Central. Don’t worry: this game will have absolutely no bearing on the plot beyond this scene except for a brief scene at half time. He also reminds his players they have to keep their grades up to play on the team.
After the rest of the team leaves, the coach tells Eric he’s starting wide receiver against Central. Coach says Eric earned it since he’s the most unbelievable football star in the history of the sport, but he hopes it’s not for nothing since he saw Eric is taking physics, which is a hard subject he’s sure Eric won’t be able to handle. He suggests Eric drop Physics so he doesn’t jeopardize his chances on the team and asks Eric to at least think about it, thus giving us our main conflict for the episode.
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In Mr. Belding’s office, we discover Screech took what little space Mr. Belding gave him and put a fucking plant in the middle of it, because that makes complete sense. And Screech acts as insane as can be expected, insisting Mr. Belding call him on the phone and then letting it go to voice mail, all the while flirting with Mr. Belding. God, why does Mr. Belding put up with Screech year after year?
In physics, the class is super hard on the first day and the boys don’t know how they’re going to pass.
And, in the hallway, Liz sucks at shopping apparently as someone stole a dress Maria wanted, so she sucks ass and Rachel rocked.
The boys come out and Eric tells everyone he’s thinking of dropping the class to make sure he can stay eligible for football. Maria tells him he’s great at science, which, I thought, was Nicky since he was the one who was good at astronomy. So much for consistency.
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In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech is getting more ridiculous with the office, as is to be expected, even trying to order wallpaper. And now it’s time for you, the viewer, to experience the most terrifying Screech one liner on the face of the planet.
Video Player
00:0000:05 God, if I heard that sound in real life, I would run as fast as I could.
Eric comes in and has Mr. Belding sign his drop form, surprising Mr. Belding but surprising me even more that you need the signature of the principal at Bayside to drop a class. I’m beginning to think that Mr. Belding and Screech really are the only administrators at this school. Eric says he’s sure and Mr. Belding signs the form.
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In the hallway, though, Eric finds out that Coach Wagner didn’t advise his son, who’s also in the physics class, to drop the class as well. No, really, this guy is the son of the guy playing Coach Wagner. I’m sure, with his acting, there’s no other way he would have gotten this gig. Eric’s immediately suspicious as evident by the look on his face.
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Liz continues to suck as she’s not good at giving Maria advice on what to do about Nicky’s sucky cologne. Well, that was a thrilling foray.
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Eric asks Coach Wagner why he didn’t tell his son to drop the class and the coach says he’s more the physics type and shit. Eric just needs to not worry his little head over physics. Ryan and Nicky come in and Eric declares that there’s only one reason Coach Wagner would tell Eric to drop the class and not his son: racism!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, there, The New Class! I was actually taken aback on my first viewing when I got to this point. I would be the first to call out racism on this franchise and I have on quite a few occasions in the past. This is not one of them, though! They have not established racism yet! That’s not the only reason! It could just be that Coach Wagner’s son sucks ass at football and he’s selfishly trying to make sure Eric stays eligible based on his past experience with physics! Jesus, the one time this franchise tries to tackle racism and they prove they don’t understand it! How surprising from the show that dressed Screech up as a Jamaican last season to defraud a DJ out of tickets to an awards show!
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Screech continues to go overboard on the whole office thing, as he does.
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He even brings a student in to be his personal assistant because history shows that, if you give Screech even a little space, he tries to take the whole house!
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Mr. Belding tells Screech that sharing the office isn’t working and they need to go back to normal. Screech sulks out of the office, disappointed on being called out on his bull shit. More disturbing, though: I think that’s a picture of Zack Morris on his desk. I’m really beginning to think Screech has no life outside Bayside and is still pining for his days as a student. Would it really surprise you if he had no friends in his adult years? I mean, it wouldn’t really be that different from Dustin Diamond’s life.
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At The Max, it’s time for the football kick off party, which I’m pretty sure is just some made up shit to give us some chance to have some more tension between Coach Wagner and Eric. But, first, Nicky’s cologne still sucks ass, and Screech whines about not having his own office.
Meanwhile, Eric randomly asks another black football player if he’s taking trigonometry this semester. The player tells him that Coach Wagner convinced him to drop the class since it is hard, and Eric decides that he’s right about Coach Wagner being racist. I’d say that’s circumstantial evidence but it’s still not clear cut this is racism. Two people is hardly a big sample. But we’re going to assume it’s a definitive establishment of racism because The New Class is too lazy to do a good job at anything.
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Maria and Katie make fun of Liz for not having perfume in her purse, telling her, again, how much she sucks compared to Rachel. Liz loses it and tells them she didn’t join the cast of this show to be compared to a character who had inconsistent characterization and was defined by men for three of the four seasons she was on the show. She marches out, leaving Maria and Katie wondering what crawled up her ass.
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Eric tries to duck out before Coach Wagner can introduce him, but he’s too late.
At halftime of the Central game, Coach Wagner tries to figure out what’s wrong with Eric since he dropped three passes. Eric smarts off to Coach Wagner and the coach puts Eric off the team.
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In the hallway, Maria and Katie randomly have Nicky take a picture of them with Liz. They use this opportunity to apologize to Liz for comparing her to Rachel and tell her that, just like the picture, it’s the three of them now and, though Liz will never measure up to Rachel, they’re just going to have to put up with her.
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In Mr. Belding’s office, Eric comes to get a slip signed to add physics again. Finding Screech is the closest thing to a competent adult there, he tells Screech an adult did something mildly shitty to him and he has to decide what to do. Screech tells him that, even if it’s hard, he has to confront adults when they do wrong despite the way we’ve seen Bayside’s faculty abuse their authority in the past. Also, Screech randomly brings up the incident with Mr. Belding and the desk, saying he went too far.
Mr. Belding overhears and signs Eric’s slip. After Eric leaves, Mr. Belding tells Screech he’s sure they’ll figure out something about space. Screech proceeds to immediately take things too far and knocks shit off Mr. Belding’s desk after taking it over. Nice to know Screech will never have a semblance of sanity in this series.
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Eric confronts Coach Wagner and, though the coach is immediately resistant to the idea he’s racist, Eric convinces him and they kiss and make up, the coach telling Eric he never intended to make Eric lose faith in himself. Coach Wagner vows he’ll make it up to Eric, though he’ll never be seen again.
But, more important, we find out that Space Camp definitely happened during the previous summer as it’s one of the reasons Eric cites that he can handle physics. Well, guess Ryan was exaggerating a bit about how long he had to save himself for Rachel since she couldn’t possibly have moved to Boston until late summer due to being at Space Camp! God, that was two episodes ago and this season can’t keep track of what it’s already established. Does the show consciously realize how big of assholes they make their characters out to be?
vlcsnap-2016-01-03-18h49m26s46In any case, our episode ends with Eric celebrating for single-handedly ending racism in the span of a minute and a half, because The New Class does special episodes the way they do everything: half-assed.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Mar 17, 2016 15:31:07 GMT
The New Class Season 5, Episode 5: “Highs and Lows”
We open in the hallway, where Maria, acting as Captain Exposition, quickly establishes that Katie is directing the school play, The Taming of the Shrew, and Maria wants Katie to cast Nicky and her as the leads, because Maria has to be a pushy twat despite the fact Nicky doesn’t want to be in it. Katie says that, for once, it’s up to the teacher who is cast, not her, so Maria prepares to suck up to an adult for the role.
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Ryan and Liz plan to try out as well, but Eric needs to leave himself open for a subplot this week so he doesn’t want to be in the play.
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And meet the costume designer, Sandy, whom I’m convinced is a mix between Fran Drescher and Tammy Faye Baker with that sense of fashion. Needless to say, this actress hasn’t done a whole lot else in her career and it shows. The New Class must have been spending so much on cameos at this point they had nothing left over to hire semi-competent actors for supporting roles. In any case, Sandy invites the gang to a party at her house tonight as her parents won’t be there. Oh, and we finally get a NEW YORK joke again because it’s apparently why Nicky doesn’t know “rents” is slang for parents…I guess? I’m pretty sure New Yorkers know that…
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Meanwhile, because God hates me, Screech shows up to work in his boxer shorts because that’s a sight I needed to see. Turns out he’s sick so Mr. Belding sends him home. Screech is worried Mr. Belding won’t be able to handle shit without him, and Mr. Belding reminds him that he ran this whole place for five years without Screech and he can continue. But he’ll probably just hire a temp, which gives Eric a great idea for a subplot as he needs money to fix his car. I guess the mall isn’t paying enough anymore.
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It’s time for the auditions and Liz naturally sucks ass because that was predictable. Nicky doesn’t like wearing tights so it’s implied he’s out of the running because our teacher is that vain.
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Maria makes a great shrew, though, beating a random extra with her script because being mean is her character trait.
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And it’s time to announce the roles. Nicky’s overjoyed to be in charge of props. Liz will play the haberdasher, who only has one line. Ryan will play Petruchio while Maria will be the shrew because she doesn’t need to act for that role. Sandy invites Maria out back to celebrate and…smoke a joint…
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Did this just turn into a very special episode? Oh, geez, I’m in for a painful fiteen minutes, aren’t I? And, yes, that’s how long we have to deliver a convincing anti-marijuana message with two subplots thrown in: fifteen fucking minutes.
Well, in any case, Maria says she’s not quite ready to embrace the wacky tobacco yet and she has something else to do.
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In Mr. Belding’s office, Eric is well underway working for Screech because it’s completely normal for students to also be staff members. Mr. Belding worries that this job will interfere with Eric’s school work, but Eric tells him not to worry as it’s such an easy job it only takes study hall and lunch to perform. Wow, could we give any more of an indictment about how unneeded Screech is at Bayside? Eric even woos Mr. Belding by not giving a shit about him eating chocolate.
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Screech calls Mr. Belding and is distressed to learn that everything’s going fine without him. Screech worries that Mr. Belding will soon learn that a high school student can do his job in less than two hours and won’t need him any longer. So…Screech is worried that the writers will start writing as if it was in the real world and not the bizarro world of the Saved by the Bell franchise.
So it’s time for Sandy’s party and Nicky runs in, excited to be prop guy because everyone gives a shit about that.
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Liz runs around bugging the shit out of people about how to say her one line and only Ryan will put up with this neurotic shit because he’s eventually going to want in her pants. Well, I see they’re giving Liz all the exciting subplots.
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Eric’s would-be love interest of the week thinks he sucks ass because he’s working for Mr. Belding instead of being in the play.
And Sandy and a random guy heckle Maria that she’s never done Shakespeare before, because lots of high school kids have been in Shakespeare productions.
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After making her nervous about the role, Sandy offers Maria a joint and, though Nicky tries to speak for her and say she doesn’t want one, but Maria says, “Fuck that shit! I do what I want!” and smokes a joint.vlcsnap-2016-01-11-20h30m27s237
After a commercial break, Eric’s still doing as good a job as Screech. Screech forces himself into Bayside, saying he’s ready to come back to work, but quickly collapses. Mr. Belding tells him to get th efuck out of here and quit trying to get some screen time in. Screech decides he needs to do something that will show Mr. Belding he’s actually needed on this show.
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Nicky’s still shocked that Maria would smoke a joint because she could get in trouble! Oh, how horrible! As if people in this franchise haven’t gotten away with stuff before that should have sent them to prison.
Liz continues bugging the shit out of Ryan about her one line and her subplot continues to go nowhere.
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Maria and Sandy come in with the giggles and the munchies because they apparently smoke pot in school.
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Their teacher is shocked that she’s found herself in the middle of a bad drug PSA. I would be too given the track record of this franchise and its equating heroin with diet pills.
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Screech puts his plan into motion to make Mr. Belding think he needs him: set off a smoke bomb in Mr. Belding’s office, because that’s a perfect way to get your boss to think highly of you! The smoke bomb sets Mr. Belding’s trash can on fire, and Eric has to rush in and keep the school from burning down. Apparently Screech learned nothing from last season’s finale, as did no one else. Mr. Belding asks a question someone should have asked long ago: what the fuck is wrong with him. Rather than continuing to do what people should have long ago by firing Screech, he sends him home again to get well.
At dress rehearsal, Ryan finally snaps at Liz and tells her to fucking say her line already. And Maria’s nervous so she and Sandy go out to Sandy’s car for a little something something.
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After a time lapse, Liz is actually good with her line but Maria can’t remember any of her lines. Katie tells Maria that she sucks ass at remembering shit since she started smoking marijuana so Katie is going to give the role to the understudy since lots of high school productions have understudies. Maria is all, “But we’re friends and shit!” but Katie isn’t moved by Maria’s attempted manipulation..
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Maria wants Nicky to support how angry she is at Katie and to quit the play in solidarity but Nicky is all, “You’re wrong and shit!” and Maria is like, “Maybe we should break up then since no one ever bought us as a serious couple to begin with!”
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At The Max, random romantic interest continues to not want anything to do with Eric because working for the principal is like lame and shit. He sees Screech and, realizing this is his future unless he gets out of this job, says he’s excited Screech will be coming back to work but Screech says that Bayside doesn’t need him since Eric can do his job. And I guess this is the departure of Screech! Hallelujah! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out of this franchise!
Ryan apologizes to Liz for yelling at her, but Liz says that’s the reason she got her line right, and we end that thrilling subplot.
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Nicky has a random lunch with Maria’s mother and Mrs. Lopez wants to know what’s the matter with Maria. Nicky won’t tell her what’s wrong but he does clarify she was fired and says she’s been hanging out with Johnny Dakota’s lackeys. Nicky says he can’t tell her what exactly is wrong because plot and tells her to talk to Maria.
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In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech arrives to tender his resignation, but Eric acts intentionally incompetent to make Screech feel needed. Mr. Belding says Screech is irreplaceable as long as the producers keep thinking they need him on this show…
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…and we get this creepy look from Screech. So much for getting rid of Screech once again. We asked all the right questions such as “What the fuck is wrong with him,” but we didn’t follow through with the right actions.
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Maria shows up, pissed that Nicky even had lunch with her mom. The rest of the gang back up Nicky, saying Maria’s really changed since she started smoking marijuana. Well, so far we’ve been given legality, giggling, forgetfulness, losing your completely unbelievable relationship, and hanging out with new friends as reasons not to do pot. I have to admit: it’s not as bad as the anti-smoking episode but, once again, it’s pretty lackluster in that it’s never going to convince anyone that smoking marijuana is bad BECAUSE YOU NEVER GAVE ANY REASON BEYOND THE SUPERFICIAL TO BELIEVE IT’S BAD! As usual, Saved by the Bell falls right in with the hysteria that said marijuana is as bad as cocaine and heroin.
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And, yeah, the next scene is opening night for the play, and Maria’s shown up to support them. See, she decided off screen that marijuana is bad and we’re just supposed to accept her decision that marijuana is bad, mmmkay? She had a long talk with her mom and she’s not going to do that shit anymore. She makes up with the rest of the gang one by one.
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When she gets to Nicky, they decide they should remain broken up because their relationship was never going to convince anyway and they should just breakup so they can be prepared for new relationships. And our episode ends with Nicky and Maria vowing to still be friends because neither of them are leaving this franchise until the end.
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