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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:16:45 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 21: “Feuding Friends”
Yeah we’re still at the damned ski lodge this week because…half the season apparently isn’t enough for this fucking show about high school to be away from…high school! Not only that but the same skiers from the opening of the last episode are still skiing this episode because the producers were too cheap to film two scenes of people enjoying winter sports. The only solace I have right now is there’s only five more episodes this season.
We open with the gang signing Tommy D’s cast, including Lindsay, who, and I’m not even joking here, signs it, “To my ex-boyfriend.” Passive-aggressive much? The gang decide to muddle the timeline of this damned show even more then it already has been by talking about the last time Tommy D broke a bone: when Bobby landed on his arm on the playground in fourth grade. Yeah, they actually say here that Rachel and Bobby have been part of the gang for life despite the fact that Bobby wasn’t seen or mentioned at all last season and Rachel only had a minor role in which she didn’t seem to know the gang that well. I guess they’re covering their tracks in case someone goes snooping around Tommy D’s backyard wondering whatever happened to Scott, Weasel, and Vicki…
Mr. Belding and Screech come in to take the gang skiing but Megan thinks skiing sucks ass and would rather finish her book. Yeah, that makes a whole lot of sense to go on a ski trip and read.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h14m26s124
On the slopes, Rachel spots “Ramon-Ramon,” the hottest flamboyantly gay ski designer in the world. That exists, someone who becomes famous for designing ski clothes? Also, could they not have given him a better name that didn’t evoke images of Robert Kennedy’s assassin?
Anyway, Rachel wants to be a model and the rest of the gang encourage her to go harass Ramon-Ramon until he agrees to make her one of his models to shut her up. Ramon-Ramon wants this second rate cast to get the hell off his fake mountain so he can get back to work and invites them to a fashion show at the FMski lodge to shut them up.
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Meanwhile, Screech climbs up the fake mountain behind Ramon-Ramon’s model and slips, falling towards certain doom off the worst set piece in history. Unfortunately, he doesn’t die and his fall is broken by Ramon-Ramon’s equipment. Ramon-Ramon is initially pissed off at Screech but then decides inexplicably that Screech has the right look for his ski wear campaign because he apparently want to go out of business so he can claim it as a loss on his taxes.
vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h16m20s233Back at the ski lodge, Tommy D’s reading the latest issue of “Dumptruck Digest.” Judging by the truck on the cover, this magazine hasn’t been printed since the ’50s since that’s the same truck the Martin family owned on Lassie. Tommy D and Megan bond over their mutual love of throwing snowballs at innocent bystanders and decide they should hook-up. Seriously, that’s what just happened. vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h18m18s131
Ramon-Ramon finds Screech and convinces him to be his new male model, thus proving he’s completely blind. vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h19m16s200
Megan comes in and tells Lindsay and Rachel she wants to date Tommy D. Lindsay freaks the fuck out despite the fact that she was drunkilly making out with Chris the college guy just last episode. Megan is all, “Why should you get all the stupid airheads? Besides, I want a piece of crap boyfriend who will forget I ever existed next episode!” Rachel decides to take Lindsay’s side because plot. Lindsay and Rachel storm out self-righteously, determined not to approve of Megan being treated like crap by Tommy D.
Megan tells Tommy D about Lindsay and Rachel’s reaction and Tommy D’s all, “Whores need to chill. Us men folk would never react like that!”vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h20m09s220
Naturally, in the next scene, Bobby freaks the fuck out that Tommy D would dare date the girl that he’s been stalking for years, except for last year when Weasel was busy stalking her, and Tommy D’s all like, “You need to back the fuck down and let me treat Megan like crap!” Also, Brian’s apparently stupid for daring to be the voice of reason and mediate things on a show that doesn’t value reason. Bobby and Brian storm off and Megan comes in all, “Haha! I guess boys are stupid, too!” Tommy D asks Megan to dinner. vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h22m05s99Meanwhile…yep, Ramon-Ramon has to be attempting to put himself out of business. That’s the only explanation there is for this subplot. The things this stupid show does…
Also, Ramon-Ramon’s model is sick and can’t be in the fashion show. Oh, no! I wonder whatever this will lead to!vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h22m45s245
Tommy D and Megan go on their date, and it’s a good thing the ski lodge just happens to have a French restaurant on the premises because the writers need to make Tommy D look like a failed abortion attempt by having him order “We accept major credit cards” in French. No, seriously. I couldn’t make this shit up.
Lindsay, Rachel, and Bobby come in and give Tommy D and Megan the cold shoulder as they sit at the next table over. vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h24m13s96
Brian comes in and, once again, no one has a use for the voice of reason as all five tell him to go fuck himself. Then a violent confrontation arises as Bobby tries to claim what’s rightfully his and Lindsay gets told off for being jealous despite hanging all druken on another guy last episode.Tommy D and Megan storm out, determined to go home in the morning.
The next morning, Tommy D and Megan tell Mr. Belding they’re going home while Lindsay, Rachel, and Bobby say they’re going home if Tommy D and Megan aren’t going home and Brian says this is all a huge cluster fuck that he wants nothing more to do with and he’s going home. Mr. Belding asks them all if they’ve lost their fucking minds since students can’t just arbitrarily decide to leave a school trip because they’re fighting over stupid shit.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h26m25s136
Ramon-Ramon comes in looking for a last-minute replacement for his sick model and initially wants Rachel. Then he spots Megan and decides she’s a lot less annoying if a bit on the bland side and asks her to be his new model. Rachel’s hella pissed that now she has this legitimate reason to be jealous of Megan shoe-horned into a plot that’s already all over the place.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h26m59s224
Megan’s insecure enough about modelling that she allows Screech to give her advice on modelling. Oh, Megan, I think Tommy D would be a better choice for this than Screech. Ramon-Ramon come in and tell Screech to fuck off before he ruins all their models.
Nearby, Tommy D tells Screech about the rest of the gang being pissed at Megan and him. Screech decides it’s time to act like an adult for a few seconds in the episode and starts reading all the messages signed to his cast. Screech leaves, telling Tommy D and Megan that he once had a group of friends, too, who forgave him for all his fuck-ups despite the fact he wouldn’t let Zack Morris date Lisa. Tommy D and Megan suddenly feel like shit for doing something that most people would say is only a little inconsiderate since they didn’t talk to their friends about how they would feel.
Lindsay, Rachel, and Bobby come to watch the fashion show. Megan ambushes Rachel and tells her to go model despite the fact that they don’t even remotely look like they can wear the same sized clothes.
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At the fashion show, Screech decides that, rather than being a tax write-off, he’s just the butt of everyone’s jokes, as usual. Ramon-Ramon is all, “Shut the fuck up. You’re the one that’s going to make a complete ass out of yourself in your personal life in just a few years. Now get ready for the show!”vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h30m13s112
And this is apparently Screech’s sad, “people are making fun of me” face. It looks more like he has a Sweet Tart in his mouth.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h30m47s189Rachel surprises Ramon-Ramon by coming out on stage modeling, not least because the laws of physics have suddenly been suspended since she fits in the clothes meant for Megan. vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h31m21s24
Screech then comes out and says he likes himself, even if he is a sleezy piece of shit who will talk crap about his co-stars since he can’t get work himself. He quits and Ramon-Ramon decides he needs to get smashed after the day he’s had.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h31m59s142 The gang make up one by one, first with Rachel who apologizes for talking shit about Megan when she had no real reason to be mad at her most of the episode. Then Lindsay says it’s been a whole five episode since she and Tommy D dated so it’s okay if Megan and Tommy D date.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h32m30s202
Bobby tells Tommy D that he’s realized his behavior towards Megan is almost as creepy as Screech’s behavior towards Lisa and has had a sobering realization that he doesn’t want to be like Screech, so it’s okay if Tommy D and Megan date.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h33m11s105The gang’s back together and we close with a cast photo to remind us who was here this season since none of these people except Mr. Belding and Screech will be around at the end of the series.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:17:14 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 22: “To Cheat or Not to Cheat”
We open with Screech doing the announcements in the middle of the hallway since all the students that matter are assembled there at the same time. Lindsay is suddenly the “activities chairperson” and announces that the annual Bayside Ball is Saturday night.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h37m42s86
And the announcement comes complete with Bobby doing flips through the hallway because getting a concussion wouldn’t mean liability for the school or anything.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h37m55s229 Brian’s naturally excited about the ball because it means he may get his Swiss rocks off, but Rachel tells him he might as well forget it since the history final is tomorrow and, if she doesn’t get a B, she’s grounded. Brian’s all, “But what about my burning needs!” and Rachel’s like, “It’s hopeless!”vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h38m52s20 Meanwhile, it’s time to complicate the timeline of this whole damned season even more. See, Mr. Belding tells Screech that Cal U sent an evaluation for Screech’s first semester at Bayside. Now I’ve been assuming that maybe this season just takes place over an extended amount of time, but it’s impossible to think this after this bombshell. See, Rachel and Brian are definitely dating, and that didn’t happen until the country club episodes, which take place during the summer, so this is not an out-of-order episode. Yeah, I hate these writers. They’re not even trying.
Anyway, our stupid subplot is that Screech is worried about getting a bad review since he’s a complete incompetent dumb ass and recruits Tommy D, Lindsay, and Bobby to help him look good so they have something to do during this episode.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h41m51s22Meanwhile, the history teacher is the maid from Diff’rent Strokes, and she appears to have been driven crazy by so many years of cleaning Gary Coleman’s underwear. She’s the third teacher we’ve seen at Bayside who seems to take pleasure in her students failing and assures the class that she will have revenge for being subjugated to Gary Coleman’s every whim.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h43m19s86
After the students leave, she has trouble printing the test and does the logical thing: she hits the printer with the instruction manual. I think the problem is you didn’t actually print the test from the computer; you just pushed a button on the printer and then hit it. The printer does not read your mind. Seriously, where does Bayside find their faculty? In an asylum?
Brian comes in and tries to help insane maid but can’t do anymore then she could so she marches out to find a geek to help her.
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After she leaves, the test prints out. Brian realizes what it is and Tommy D walks in just at the right moment to be a sounding board for Brian, who’s agonizing over whether to keep the final or not. He initially throws it away but then takes it with him as the audience all goes, “OOOOOH!” They’re a special kind of audience, aren’t they?vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h45m28s143
Screech’s first way to impress Mr. Belding is to have Lindsay, Tommy D, and Bobby fight over the food to serve at the Bayside Ball so he can solve it for them. Mr. Belding comes in and asks why the fuck Screech solved such a petty argument and Screech feels down that his plan to make Mr. Belding think he wasn’t incompetent didn’t work.
At The Max, Megan helps Rachel study for the final but soon realizes Rachel is a hopeless case and gets the hell out of there so she can get back to her life of doing nothing. Brian comes in and tells Rachel what to study for the final. Rachel’s initially skeptical but soon decides that Brian’s a man so he must know about history and stuff.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h47m58s114
The next day, Gary Coleman’s servant is delighted to think of all the Fs she gets to give that night on the final. Outside, Megan tells Brian that the final was brutal because of an essay question on the Boston Tea Party. Seriously, what’s so hard about that? Was it asking what brand tea the colonists used like the insane teacher back in “The Fabulous Belding Boys?”
Rachel, though, is overjoyed because everything Brian told her to study just happened to be on the test. Gee, what a coincidence! She must be acting the part of “dumb as Tommy D” this episode.
Screech’s next plan to impress Mr. Belding is to pretend Lindsay is choking so he can manhandle her as he pretends to give her the Heimlich maneuver. Tommy D gets frustrated because he’s an idiot and can’t remember they’re playing pretend so he pushes Screech aside and manhandles his ex-girlfriend in Screech’s place. Thus, Mr. Belding thinks Screech doesn’t know how to do basic first aid. vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h49m31s17
Brain and Rachel go to the movies to celebrate the final, and Rachel is under the impression Brian is just psychic and now she’ll always do good in history. Seriously, nobody can be this stupid.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h50m02s73
Brian has a fantasy sequence that Rachel’s on a quiz show with Screech as the host wearing a bad fake mustache since Screech still hasn’t hit puberty. vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h51m02s159
Rachel has Brian under the podium giving her the answers and fingerbanging her on the side.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h51m53s173 Mr. Belding is the judge, which apparently means he dreses in Revolutionary War era wigs, unless the writers are implying they don’t understand that the American judicial system doesn’t use judicial wigs like the British system does. Mr. Belding just happens to be psychic and realizes Brian and Rachel are cheating, which means Rachel doesn’t get the grand prize of a full scholarship to college.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h52m27s240
Instead, she gets to go share a bed with Gary Coleman and Todd Bridges while Mr. Drummond goes to confront that creepy, molestery bicycle salesman that’s trying to touch Dudley’s no-no zone.
At school the next day, Megan and Rachel are the only students that passed the final, but Rachel got an A and Megan got a B+, which pisses Megan the hell off since Rachel hella sucks in history. Megan accuses Rachel of cheating and Rahcel’s all, “I didn’t cheat! My boyfriend just happens to know all the answers to the test!” They march off in opposite directions after a cat fight.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h54m23s124 At The Max, Ron comes in wearing his underwear on his head because he went onto Valley’s turf and they decided to take all his clothes off and rearrange them on their body. This sounds like a job for Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.
This gives Screech an idea, though, and he recruits Tommy D and Bobby to pretend to be Valley students and throw cream pies at Mr. Belding. Yeah nothing could possibly go wrong with this.
Rachel tells Brian that her lifelong friendship with Megan is over because of one bitch moment from Megan. She can’t possibly be friends with someone who would think she would cheat. YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY BE THIS FUCKING STUPID!
Brian asks Screech if “a friend” were to give another friend the answers to a final, would it be cheating? Screech is all, “I’m a complete dumb ass but even I know that’s cheating. Your friend should be force fed caffeine pills and made to watch back to back episodes of The Chevy Chase Show. vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h57m28s157In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding thinks it’s creepy as hell that Screech keeps smelling him. He tells him that he smells trouble in the air and Mr. Belding is all, “What the hell is that even supposed to mean?” Lindsay rushes in and tells them that some kids from Valley are going to get Mr. Belding.
They hear a knock on Mr. Belding’s door and Screech thinks it’s his dumb ass plan being set into motion. Instead, Brian rushes in with Rachel and Megan behind him. Brian confesses to Mr. Belding and the girls that he gave Rachel the answers to the final but that Rachel didn’t know. Rachel and Megan instantly make-up since Megan realizes what a bitch she’s been and Rachel realizes what an idiot she’s been.
Mr. Belding tells Brian he’s impressed and that it must have taken a lot of courage to come to him. Brian says that being emasculated by Screech made him realize what he had to do. Mr. Belding is so impressed with Screech’s attempt at being a responsible adult that he lets Screech finish dealing with the situation.
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Since Rachel’s a complete dumb ass, she gets to do a make-up test Monday. Brian is suspended for two days and doesn’t get to go to the Bayside Ball. Everyone seems really satisfied after these relatively light actions.
After the three leave, Screech asks Mr. Belding if his half-ass handling of this situation is going to be in his evaluation. Mr. Belding says it won’t since he sent back the evaluation the day he received it. Mr. Belding’s high on LSD and tells Screech that he’s already doing a great job and got a good evaluation and all this staged shit wasn’t necessary. Screech forgets about his last stupid plan when a knock on the door is heard.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-19h01m15s137Tommy D and Bobby hit Mr. Belding in the face with the pies and our episode ends with Mr. Belding ready to murder Screech and yearning for the days when he could try and sneak peaks at Miss Bliss’s hot rack.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:17:41 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 23: “The D Stands for Dropout”
We open in French class where Mademoiselle Lavelle, the French teacher, calls on Brian to read a poem he wrote in French. And, just in case you’re a complete dumb ass like the producers obviously think you are, the words “French” are written in huge letters on the blackboard to keep you from having to guess this is French class by the context clues otherwise given. Wait…so Brian’s Swiss, he’s obviously not French Swiss if he’s learning to speak French, and we’ve yet to hear him speak German or Italian, one of which has to be his native tongue. There’s something wrong with the fact we never hear the foreign kid speak in his language.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h26m54s75Since Brian’s one defining characteristic besides being Swiss is liking Rachel, his poem is called “Je t’adore, Rachel,” which, according to the internet, means, “I adore Rachel.” I have to trust in the internet here since I don’t speak French. Of course, Brian’s sucky ass poem is just him saying, “Je t’adore, Rachel,” over and over again, which embarrasses Rachel but doesn’t seem to concern Mademoiselle Lavelle, since she has no comment about Brian’s lack of effort.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h28m11s217 Meanwhile, Tommy D is being his usual dumb ass and reading another fake car magazine in the back of class. There’s a weird, awkward exchange between Tommy D and Mademoiselle Lavelle in which she says he’s supposed to be studying French, not centerfolds. Wait, does she think he’s looking at porn? Awkward…
vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h29m09s144Not to mention the fact that Tommy D’s centerfold appears to be a souped up version of a Cub Scout pinewood derby racer. Rule 34, man. That’s all I have to say. Rule 34. Also, Tommy D denigrates French culture and language with the worst sounding French accent ever. vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h29m47s1
Screech comes rushing in to establish our subplot for the episode, the science fair. The winners get a trip to San Francisco to see where Screech used to spread his seed in his one year of college. Of course, the gang decide they’re going to be Team Dunce Cap.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h30m59s222
Turns out Tommy D has been working for some auto mechanic named Vince, and he’s actually pretty good at it. He’s doing some kick ass work and even manages to save Screech’s scooter from the junkyard. Yeah, I’m very surprised they remembered Screech’s stupid beloved scooter from the country club episodes. I wonder if they’ll remember it after a season break.
Vince says that repairing cars is the one thing Tommy D is competent at and he wishes he could hire Tommy D full time if not for that pesky school thing…
At The Max, the gang get Screech to give them advice on their science fair project. Bobby’s idea is a gravity detector, which is basically a reaching arm that drops a clothes pin. vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h33m19s82
Rachel’s idea is a machine that paints all ten fingernails at once but, when she tries it out on Lindsay, it paints her entire hand red. Even Screech thinks these projects are idiotic. That’s shameful if even Screech thinks your ideas are stupid. That’s a reason to put a paper bag on your head and relocate to North Dakota.
Tommy D comes in and buys everyone burgers. He tells everyone Vince is going to pay him to work as much as he wants at the garage. The gang is worried he can’t keep up with school because it’s not like he can set his own hours and not work when he needs to study…oh right, that’s exactly what he just said. Yeah, they need a conflict for this episode so they’re going to shoe horn it in. Nobody ever has part-time jobs, not even Kelly when she worked at The Max! vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h35m48s31 Yeah, since they need a plot, naturally Tommy D takes on too much work at the garage. First Mr. Belding catches him in the hallway and writes him a tardy slip.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h36m02s178
Then, he’s working on a car part in a random class. That’s called unpaid work and I think that’s reportable.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h36m20s100Finally, he falls asleep in Mademoiselle Lavelle’s class since it sucks ass.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h36m29s184
And he manages to tip over in his desk. Unfortunately, he’s not injured.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h36m56s208 Mr. Belding calls Tommy D and his father in to discuss Tommy D’s new found delinquency. Mr. DeLuca says it’s obvious the evil Vince is overworking Tommy and forcing him to not be able to keep up with class, what with his flexible hours and all. Tommy D says there’s only one thing to do: drop out of school, and he marches off ready to be rid of The New Class.
After a commercial, Mr. DeLuca is still hanging out in Mr. Belding’s office distraught over his son dropping out. Mr. Belding says Mr. DeLuca needs to give Tommy D some tough love. Rather than the usual spankings, they decide the worst punishment they can give Tommy D is to make him live with Screech.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h39m00s163
Witness the horror that is Screech’s face when he finds out Tommy D is moving into his apartment. Would you let your sixteen year old son move in with a face like that? vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h40m05s38At The Max, the gang give Tommy D the old tired cliches about dropping out of school when his father comes in with two suitcases packed and give him the bad news that he’s living with Screech. Apparently two suitcases is all Tommy D owns.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h41m02s93
The more shocking thing in this whole scenario is that Screech has his own apartment. Of course, considering this is just a redressing of the generic bedroom scene, Screech and Tommy D might be living in Screech’s parents house. Screech proceeds to take all of Tommy D’s money for room and board, which I assume he’s going to immediately go out and spend on hookers and blow to make his porno that no one in the world wanted to see.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h43m18s179 At Bayside, Tommy D clears out his locker and the gang say bye to him since no one who doesn’t attend Bayside ever makes it in this franchise on a permanent basis. Mr. Belding then says the most bullshit thing that’s ever been uttered in this franchise: Tommy D has to leave because only students are allowed on school premises.
Oh, Mr. Belding, shall I shatter your fantasies with a list of non-students who have randomly wandered around Bayside?
Casey Kasem Max A government agent Kelly’s baby brother Kelly’s younger sister James the Actor, four times Adam Trask Brandon Tartikoff Johnny Dakota Little Zack, twice Stevie (Okay, that was technically JFK Junior High, but you get my point) And these are only the ones I can think of off the top of my head. I’m sure there are others because Bayside is fucking Grand Central Station for people who shouldn’t legally be there. But it matters to the plot this time so we’re supposed to ignore it because the producers all think we’re idiots who can’t remember the stupid things they do over the years.
vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h44m07s163At The Max the gang think they finally have a way of going to San Francisco…a radio controlled car. A fucking radio controlled car that goes fast. Is this a high school science fair or an elementary school show and tell? Unfortunately, I think the radio controlled car catches on fire because smoke starts coming out everywhere, which I’m sure will be great for business at The Max. Why don’t they kick these idiots out? They must be hurting business.
Tommy D comes in and wants to help out, but that’s against the rules of the science fair. Uh oh! The horrors of dropping out of school! You can’t participate in the science fair! HOW HORRIBLE CAN THINGS GET?!?!
At the garage, Mr. DeLuca comes in and tells his son his sad story about how he’s always regretted he dropped out of school and how this should somehow guilt Tommy D into not dropping out.
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This sends Tommy D into a dream sequence where he imagines he’s so desperate for a job that he wants to work for Screech. vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h47m17s15 Of course, Screech has a mustache because body hair is the only way to make Screech look different apparently. And, probably because the producers were too lazy and cheap to build a new set, they opted to have the interview in Mr. Belding’s office.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h48m21s144Since Tommy D doesn’t have a high school diploma or college degree, Screech sprays him with water as he would a misbehaving cat. vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h48m27s203 He proceeds to wipe Tommy D’s face with a squeegee, which I assume he thinks is what shaving is since he’s never had to shave in his life.
Vince comes up and Tommy D’s all, “I’ve decided that we’ve sufficiently spouted all the cliches about dropping out of high school in this episode so I’m going back to school!”vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h49m23s248
At the science fair, the gang try to demonstrate their stupid little remote control car for Mr. Belding and Screech, but it quite literally falls apart. vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h50m11s203
But in comes Tommy D with a remote control car that works which he no doubt picked up at Toys ‘R Us. Tommy D’s stupid car is the best science fair project, reminding us of the low academic standards Bayside holds its students to.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h50m43s26
Mr. DeLuca comes in…didn’t we just establish only students are supposed to be in school? Did they contradict themselves in less than twenty minutes? Seriously?!?! Anyway, Mr. DeLuca comes in and witnesses his son doing something competent, making him so proud that they make up and he asks Tommy D to come back home.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h51m06s251
Tommy D’s nightmare of living with Screech over, he tells Screech he’s moving out of his apartment, and we close with the thrilling conclusion of Screech giving Tommy D his money back.
I think if I’d watched this episode when I was in high school I would have dropped out.
Firsts: Screech’s apartment.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:18:02 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 24: “Goodbye Bayside, Part 1″
Oh, can it be true? Is it all just false internet rumors that this show lasted five more seasons? Could this be the Christmas miracle I’ve been waiting for? Oh, to think about never having to watch this show again! Maybe this is the series finale of one of the worst shows ever made! Oh, I will review this episode in glee in anticipation! This could end up being the best episode of the show yet!
Wait, the contradictory evidence is sitting on my bookshelf, isn’t it?
The New Class Season 3-7 DVDGod damn it, it’s just going to be another stupid The New Class episode that makes no sense to anyone, isn’t it? Alright, let’s get it over with…vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h24m20s127Yes, it’s Bayside’s 40th anniversary… vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h24m33s250
And, let me tell you, the students are overenthusiastic about this event. Really, I haven’t the slightest clue why they find it this incredibly exciting, but they’re celebrating with big cards and birthday hats and shit. Also, Lindsay says they’re having a prom in honor of the fortieth anniversary because…hell, I haven’t been able to figure out anything else about this season so why start here? Also, what grade is the gang supposed to be in at this point if they’re going to the prom?vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h25m08s94
Anyway, Bobby is running for prom king and makes lots of promises of shit he’ll do if he’s elected because he’s apparently such a dumb ass he doesn’t know the difference between prom king and student council. vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h25m34s97
Rachel is running for prom queen, but that’s kind of a given, and she enjoys writing giant messages in Bayside’s giant fortieth birthday card.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h25m59s94 Mr. Belding, meanwhile, thinks all of Screech’s ideas for celebrating the fortieth birthday are idiotic, including putting the Goodyear Blimp and Shamu in the gym. Is Screech trying to destroy the school or open it to law suits?
Meanwhile, in walks an older man a week after Mr. Belding declared that only students are allowed in Bayside during school hours. Driving home Screech’s idiocy, he thinks the man is a student dressed in old people’s clothes and prepares to write him a detention slip.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h26m28s126 Turns out our trtrespassers Mr. Woodbury, the president of the school board. Mr. Belding’s homoerotic advances towards Mr. Woodbury disturb the man, and he excuses himself by saying that he has a meeting with J. Walker McMillan, a rich real estate mogul and the most famous of Bayside’s alumni. Mr. Belding makes probably the first reasonable assumption here and believes that Mr. McMillan intends to make a donation to Bayside.
We cut to the Glee Club, where we discover the writers have forgotten they had a Glee Club episode earlier this season where they established Bayside had hired a Glee Club teacher. Instead, Screech is now Glee Club Teacher because the producers were running out of money this season and needed to save some of it for the final episode.
Anyway, Screech wants the Glee Club to think of songs they can sing for Bayside’s fortieth birthday.
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Screech thinks it’s fucking idiotic that Bobby and Rachel want to sing songs about being prom king and prom queen. If Screech thinks you’re idiotic, you may want to hire a counselor to help you understand where your life choices went wrong.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h28m30s70
Tommy D leveled up and learned a new skill this episode as he can now play some piano. His song is only saying, “Bayside High School” off key to chopsticks, though, so Screech thinks this fucking sucks too. vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h28m58s94 Meanwhile, Mr. Belding stalks Mr. Woodbury and Mr. McMillan in the hallway asking for ridiculous luxuries for Bayside. Mr. Woodbury suggests they step into Mr. Belding’s office so they can explain the plot to him and he’ll leave them the fuck alone.
Since Mr. Belding is detained, Screech starts a school assembly on the prom king and queen without him. Jesus, this school has assemblies for everything, don’t they?
Rachel says she wants to be prom queen because Bayside means so much to her. Bobby says he wants to be prom king so he can lose his cursed virginity before he’s rightfully written out of this show. We only hear from the two of them since they’re they only two students running who matter as Mr. Belding walks in.
He says he has some very bad news: Mr. McMillan wants to buy Bayside and, since the school board is strapped for money, they’ve agreed to sell it for $5 million. After the prom, the school will be torn down to make room for condominium.
The New Class, you’ve made some stupid factual errors in your two seasons, but I must ask: WHAT THE FUCK! Since when can a school board, on a whim, just sell a public high school! The high school doesn’t belong to them! It belongs to the state! And you don’t just sell a high school on a whim in the middle of a school year without a clear plan of what to do with the students!
This…is killing my brain cells. It’s killing my brain cells, guys! I’m getting dumber watching this episode. Oh, no! I think I just forgot American history! vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h31m52s33
In the hallway, Screech faints when Mr. Belding reiterates what we just heard in the last scene about Bayside being sold. Meanwhile, Tommy D and Bobby actually suggest selling brownies to buy the school because they’re as brain dead as I am from watching this episode. The gang asks what will happen to them and Mr. Belding says they’ll be reassigned to other high schools because overcrowding is a great idea!vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h32m59s199
It’s also a great thing the gang already have their school reassignments because otherwise it might become too realistic. Bobby, Lindsay, and Brian find out they’re going to Lincoln, Megan’s going to a private school, and Tommy D and Rachel are going to…THE DREADED VALLEY! Yes, once again the writers forgot they had an episode about the gang liking Valley now as Tommy D says he doesn’t talk to Valley kids. So much for Tommy D talking to Scott, a former Valley kid, for all of last season and the Valley kid he was tenderly hugging this season. I do wish Tommy D would shut up the rest of this episode, though.
Tommy D tries to rally the gang to save Bayside and says that, if they won’t, he will. vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h35m18s42
Meanwhile, Screech realizes that he’s going to finally be out of work after seven years in the Saved by the Bell universe and Mr. Belding tries to work on his resume as Screech peers uncomfortably close over his shoulder.
In the auditorium, the prom committee has trouble thinking of themes for the prom…a week before the prom…
Yeah, I have a feeling you would have had to do this long in advance.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h36m43s138
Mr. McMillan comes in with a construction worker and a map of where he wants to put new shit. Tommy D gives an impassioned plea to Mr. McMillan about how none of them will be able to find new acting gigs if Bayside is torn down. Mr. McMillan, though, is the greedy capitalist with a heart of stone so he doesn’t give a fuck if Tommy D is out on the street giving blow jobs for food.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h37m48s14
The rest of the gang and Screech are inspired to try and save Bayside, though and decide…vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h38m00s113
To hang out at Screech’s apartment, in front of a pennant that says, “Screech.” Yeah, Screech needs to retake his course on professional boundaries. vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h39m17s135
After some talk about Mister Ed that has absolutely no bearing on the plot whatsoever, Screech phones Mr. McMillan’s office in the worst falsetto ever pretending to be the secretary for the school board. He tells leaves a message for Mr. McMillan saying that tomorrow’s Bayside meeting will be held an hour later in Mr. Belding’s office.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h40m04s90
Screech shows up to the school board meeting as Mr. McMillan’s attorney and makes a bunch of ridiculous demands like more schools and even the school board members’ cars and houses. Mr. Woodbury is outraged and does an impersonation of Mr. Spacely from The Jetsons to express his outrage over Screech’s lunacy. Mr. Woodbury tells Screech to go tell Mr. Woodbury this is an outrage.
Meanwhile, Tommy D, Lindsay, Megan, and Bobby have somehow chained themselves to lockers because that’s apparently physically possible. They’re holding a “Save Bayside” protest. Mr. Belding tells them that they’re being fucking stupid but he’s interrupted by Rachel, who’s rushing off to chain herself to a bus. vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h42m24s214
Meanwhile, while Mr. Belding is out of his office, Screech pretends to be a lawyer for the school board from the special needs law firm who wants another million dollars for the deal.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h43m50s53
Screech has Mr. McMillan outraged but then Mr. Woodbury comes in and both Mr. McMillan and Mr. Woodbury thinks Screech is the lawyer for the other. Mr. Belding comes in and sets things straight.
Mr. Belding brings in Screech and the gang for punishment about their latest prank. He tells them that they just need to face that all things must come to an end and this show has already run two seasons longer than it should. The gang isn’t happy but Mr. Belding tells them that Mr. Woodbury and Mr. McMillan finalized the sale after they realized Screech’s idiocy was just idiocy. vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h45m03s14And our episode ends with a giant, “Aww..” from the audience as things hang in limbo as to whether this is it for the worst of the Saved by the Bell series.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:18:28 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 25: “Belding’s Prize”
If you were just dying this week to find out whether or not the gang will be able to save Bayside, you will be very disappointed as this week we face a completely unrelated episode, along with the return of one of the worst recurring characters in the history of the franchise. Aren’t I lucky?
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We open in Mr. Belding’s office, where the writers remembered that Alison exists since Screech is having his version of phone sex with her. Mr. Belding comes in and tells Screech to stop his perversion at once before he gets spooge stains on his desk. vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h50m39s48
Screech gives Mr. Belding his mail and, among the items is a letter from the “Academy of American Principals” inviting him to apply for membership. Yeah, I bet this is about as legitimate as all those Who’s Who in American High Schools scams. They’ll probably want him to buy some leather-bound book with his name in it. Of course, he’s honored they’re considering him and, for some reason, decides to let Screech write one of his letters of recommendation since Screech is so competent in such things. Also, they only gave him two days to prepare and mail his application, which totally makes this seem legitimate. vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h51m03s26
Oh, how I’ve missed James the Actor, almost as much as that sebaceous cyst I had on my back that popped and leaked out lots of pus all over the place. He’s such an essential character in the franchise that it’s hard to believe he only appeared in four episodes, and that this is the final episode he ever appeared in. His importance to this franchise is bested only by Casey Kasem and Becky the Duck.
Anyway, our subplot this week is that The Max is holding a Millionth Burger Contest. Whoever orders the millionth burger sold at The Max gets backstage passes to the MTV Awards. Okay, I admit, that might actually have been a cool prize since, in 1995, that would have meant the opportunity to meet Weezer, Madonna, Green Day, Michael Jackson, and Elton John. Sign me up! I want the millionth burger at The Max! Don’t let these idiots get it!
Question though: The Max has been open for at least six years now. Is it realistic to believe they’ve sold less than a million burgers in that time. Okay, yes it is since people so rarely order food at The Max and, instead, build science projects and invite Casey Kasem to have dance contests at The Max.
Also, there’s a recurring gag where James’s cell phone keeps ringing at inappropriate times with his agent telling him how much he sucks and no one wants him. I only mention it because it actually does factor into the plot later.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h52m58s152
Now this is a character identified by Tommy D as “Chunky McGee.” He’s fat and ordering lots of burgers and it’s funny because fat people have no dignity! vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h53m30s218 The gang decide the best way to win the contest is to fake getting food poisoning from Max burgers, and they tell Meat, in his final apappearancen the show, that he should stay clear of them. The rest of the student body overhears and suddenly no one wants to eat at The Max because these six idiots are so trustworthy.
Back in Mr. Belding’s office, Screech agrees to mail Mr. Belding’s application for him but he gets distracted by a fax from Alison desiring facsimile sex.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h55m51s92
I kid you not: Screech kisses a stamp pad so he can send Alison back a hundred kisses. Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please let Screech get a fatal case of poisoning! That would be such a wonderful belated Christmas present!vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h56m50s173
In the hallway, the gang is hella pissed that they’ve been trying for three whole days and still haven’t bought the millionth burger. Tommy D decides to take advantage of Mr. Belding’s good mood to go to The Max during school hours and buy even more burgers. Boy, this subplot is a gripping one. Will Tommy D get to sexually harass Madonna?
Meanwhile, Mr. Belding sees Screech in the hallway and exposits his appreciation to Screech for mailing the application. vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h57m29s52
Unfortunately, Screech realizes that his facsimile sex with Alison made him forget to mail Mr. Belding’s application and it’s now past the deadline. Come on, Screech has done way worse things than this on this show. Why is this the one that’s making him fear his imminent murder?
After a commercial break, Screech calls the Academy and they’re all, “Hell no, we won’t grant an extension! We have a deadline on these leather bound books!”vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h58m37s223
Mr. Belding comes in and reads his acceptance speech to Screech, who sits listening to how devastated Mr. Belding will be when he discovers his leather bound book will not be arriving. Screech can’t bring himself to tell Mr. Belding and, instead, tells Mr. Belding he’s proud of him and prefers not to be murdered before he finds out if Bayside is going to close or not.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h59m42s95
Tommy D returns, having purchased two hundred burgers and still not winning the contest. Everyone’s pissed they spent all their money on shitty burgers instead of hookers and coke. Brian comes up with a plan… vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h00m05s78
And I so wish I could tell you what his plan is, but it apparently involves singing about burgers into the school’s intercom. Yeah, I don’t know. I can usually at least comprehend what’s going on with this show even if it doesn’t make sense, but this is baffling. vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h00m44s197
Oh, okay! His play is to resell all The Max burgers Tommy D purchased and use the money to buy more burgers! A ponzi scheme! Ron and Meat are skeptical but the gang fain being insulted, or at least as much as they can pretend with their shitty acting skills. Of course, the comments are on their similar taste and burp quality and not on the fact they’re cold and old.
Screech comes in crossing boundaries once again to tell the gang all about his trouble, not even noticing the gang are operating an illegal restaurant out of the school. The gang decide to help Screech fool Mr. Belding into not knowing about Screech’s incompetence, as if he doesn’t know already.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h02m43s113
Tommy D and Brian print a fake acceptance letter from the Academy and Screech presents it to Mr. Belding. The “Grand Commander” of the Academy is coming to Bayside to perform the acceptance ceremony there. Of course, they say “Grand Commander,” and I wonder if they realized how much a certain reviewer of shitty television would one day associate this title with “Grand Wizard.”vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h03m42s199
Of course, the gang hire Jame to pretend to be the Grand Commander, and he demonstrates his wonderful acting skills by using a comb as a mustache. Well, I mean, any actor who has to resort to being hired by teenagers to get work must be good!
The gang come in and Tommy D changed the inscription on Rachel’s Miss Junior Palisades trophy to be all about Mr. Belding winning the award. Yeah, with James pulling off this whole thing, nothing could possibly go wrong! vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h05m11s67
Meanwhile, Tommy D buys more burgers from a waiter who’s obviously Ron in disguise. I mean, even Helen Keller would be able to see the horrible disguise that Ron’s wearing. Ron’s purpose is two-fold: keep Tommy D from ordering more burgers and discover if Tommy D is reselling Max burgers. The nerds are pissed off at the discovery they’re buying old shitty burgers, but don’t worry as this plays absolutely no further role in this episode.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h05m49s181Of course, Screech uses the worst head shot of Dennis Haskins he could find, which makes Mr. Belding look like Sarah Palin desperately trying to look hip on Saturday Night Live. vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h05m57s7
And, as usual, James is wearing one of the worst disguises known to humanity because no one has any common sense on this show.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h06m32s103
Yeah, the girls decide to give a cheer because why the hell not. The presentation is pretty much James’s usual bull shit acting fooling everyone. He drones on and on, not letting Mr. Belding start his acceptance speech. Then, his cell phone rings. It’s his agent letting him know someone hired him and he never has to be on this shitty show again. vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h09m00s15
He’s so overjoyed that he starts dancing and ripping off his beard and ripping off the engraving Tommy D put on the trophy. The gig is up, and Screech runs off, realizing he’s about to be murdered since he just humiliated Mr. Belding in front of the whole student body.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h09m44s237
At The Max, Screech drowns his sorrow in milkshakes since we learned earlier this season that alcohol is the evil. Yeah, I guess that’s in character for him.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h10m45s74
Mr. Belding comes in and lectures Screech on his lying. Mr. Belding tells Screech that, after the ass kissing Screech gave in his recommendation, he can’t stay mad at him. They kiss and make up and agree to be best butt buddies for the next five seasons. vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h11m27s226They order lunch and we end with Mr. Belding ordering the millionth burger, which makes him a real winner since now he can try and get a booty call from Courtney Love, who, unfortunately, was also nominated for awards at the 1995 MTV Awards. The ’90s had some awesome music, but, man, there were some shitastic moments as well.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:19:21 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 26: “Goodbye Bayside, Part 2″
Oh god! Screech is breaking the fourth wall! He knows all the awful things I’ve been saying about him and he’s come to claim my soul! Someone stop him!
Nah, that might actually be interesting. Instead, after our visit from James the Actor last week, we’re back to find out if Bayside will be torn down. Five more seasons of The New Class says it won’t, but Screech recaps the events of the first part anyway. vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h22m29s215And…our episode starts out with a repeated scene of the glee club. They’re all bummed about Bayside closing…just like the first part. Screech tries to give them a pep talk…just like the first part. Am I sensing a pattern here? vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h23m42s180 Oh, the difference is that, in the first part, Screech didn’t break down crying on Tommy D’s nipple! That makes this scene so much more unique! vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h23m49s4 Our next scene takes place in the auditorium, just like the first part, where the prom committee sits around, unable to make a decision about the theme of the prom…just like the first part.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h24m25s100
Mr. McMillan comes in with a construction worker…just like in the first part. Oh, but here’s the difference: Mr. Belding comes in and Mr. McMillan tells him that the illegal sale of the school is official as of Friday and the school will be torn down by Friday night, which I’m pretty sure is impossible unless Mr. McMillan got a hold of a nuke and intends to obliterate the entire area. Whatever the case, this means there won’t be a prom Friday night because physics be damned. Mr. Belding tries to convince him to have a heart, but Mr. McMillan conveniently exposits that he didn’t go to his prom and only had one friend while he was at Bayside.
It’s really bad when The New Class has become so repetitive and derivative it’s ripping itself off. Seriously, why are we even doing a second part if it’s only going to be like the first part but with minor details changed?vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h26m07s85 The gang concoct a plan to trick Mr. McMillan and have their plan…just like last episode! Gee, are we seeing a pattern here? The plan is that Rachel, whom Mr. McMillan has met as a student already, is a nurse and declares that Brian has the “Swiss measles,” a highly contagious form of measles that requires quarantine. Tommy D comes in pretending to have it, and Mr. McMillan leaves, believing Rachel’s story since all adults in the Saved by the Bell universe are fucking idiots.
Mr. Belding comes in and realizes what’s going on but he lets Mr. McMillan believe the gang’s story because fuck this dick cheese. Instead, Mr. Belding decides it’s time to find a way to save the school. vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h28m11s47
This means that, just like in the first part, the gang gather at Screech’s apartment to think of a plan. Oh, but it’s not the same as the first part because Mr. Belding’s there! No, seriously, it’s the end of season two. I want to see who the morons are who have been writing this crap I’ve been watching for two seasons now, especially if I’m really going to watch five more seasons of it. Well, lucky for us, I just happen to have an exclusive photo from The New Class‘s writers room! Let’s take a look!
Monkeys on TypewritersYou know, this explains so much. No, wait, this joke is insulting. We all know this room full of monkeys could produce something much better than the crap that is The New Class!
Ugh, anyway, Mr. Belding’s plan is to find out who Mr. McMillan’s friend at Bayside was so they can change his feelings about the school. Mr. Belding, Screech, and the gang go through old Bayside yearbooks hoping to find a clue, but can’t seem to find anything.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h28m57s254
Then Screech, who’s apparently losing his sight since no one else needs a magnifying glass to read the yearbook, finds a picture of Mr. McMillan waiting for a bus next to a girl named Sandy Bennett who was the head cheerleader at Bayside. They decide that this means Sandy was Mr. McMillan’s friend, although it could just as easily mean that they happened to wait for the bus at the same stop. The episode’s already wasted half its running time on scenes almost identical to the first part, though, so the writers said fuck it. vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h30m11s231 At The Max, Mr. Belding meets Sandy, whom he tracked down. She tells them about how she was Mr. McMillan’s only friend at Bayside. She always had the feeling that he wanted inside her moist pocket but was too shy to ask. Yeah, seriously, that’s the plot we’re going with. Mr. McMillan wants to tear down Bayside because he didn’t get laid in high school. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! Of course you’re not. This is The New Class.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h31m21s171
Mr. Belding and Screech use this face to ask Sandy to come to the prom and give Mr. McMillan the prom he never had. Really, if they gave you this face, would you go anywhere near the prom? Sand agrees for plot’s sake, though, and Mr. Belding tells the gang the prom’s going to be 1950s themed. vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h32m48s15 Back at Bayside, Mr. Belding convinces Mr. McMillan over the phone to come see what special surprise he has in store for him. Sounds like a mafia hit to me, actually. Mr. McMillan agrees but then Screech comes in and says Sandy cancelled. Turns out she has to fly to San Francisco for a surprise party her nephew is throwing for his wife. He didn’t tell Sandy because she’s the family blabbermouth so he just inconsiderately left her to fend for herself on tickets in standby instead. This leaves Mr. Belding and Screech depressed as they wonder if their stupid plan will work on Mr. McMillan without the poon tang to back it up.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h33m12s255
Jesus, why. Why must this franchise constantly insist on showing Screech’s bare chest? Yes, he and Mr. Belding both dressed as bad Elvis impersonators for the prom. Haha, isn’t that so funny.
Mr. McMillan comes in and Mr. Belding promptly takes him to his prom, which he naturally thinks is fucking stupid, but the episode still has eight minutes left to convince him this episode has a point. vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h34m44s143
Now here’s the problem with an episode of The New Class centered around the prom: the prom is so in the background that the writers don’t seem to realize how big of a deal it is that Tommy D and Lindsay, ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, went to the prom together and that Megan and Bobby seem to have gone together. Really, it’s not even acknowledged. Also, the writers don’t seem to realize there’s a difference between a prom and a costume ball. Fuck me. I hate this fucking ass show. vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h35m44s239And here’s the reason the writers don’t have time to acknowledge characterization of the gang: it’s cameo time! Yes, Slater is back, and the audience of all girls and gay boys screams so loud my ears hurt. I do have to admit, he looks tremendously more attractive now that the horrible Brillo pad mullet is gone. Also, I think Screech wants to fuck Slater given his reaction to Slater’s sudden appearance.
So Slater seriously wants to arm wrestle Mr. McMillan not to tear down Bayside. Gee, Slater, thanks for showing up with that brilliant tactic. Maybe next you’ll go to the Middle East and use your arm wrestling strategy to end some wars. vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h36m24s130
Lisa’s our next former cast member to come in, ready to save the school, but she’s so sad she came all this way and her $1,000 credit card isn’t enough to buy the school from Mr. McMillan. Yeah, Lisa, go have another drink and think about this plan some more.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h37m10s76 Our next cameo is from…oh, it’s Sandy. She’s come back to be Mr. McMillan’s date and Mr. McMillan’s erection says that he’s going to stay and enjoy himself. When Screech asks her what made her change her mind, she says her nephew insisted she fly back when she told him Bayside was in trouble and even insisted on flying back with her.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h37m51s221Yes, in the contrivance of the century, Sandy’s nephew is Zack Morris, and this truly is a contrivance since Screech was at Zack Morris’s wedding and should have met Sandy unless she skipped her nephew’s wedding for hookers and blow. Also, Kelly decided she doesn’t give a shit about Bayside anymore now that she has 90210 to keep her warm. I have to say, I’m barely able to type these words from laughing my ass off at the horrible haircut he got post-The College Years. Seriously, he looks like a Dawson’s Creek reject who got a haircut from one of the Hanson kids. And, yeah, if the audience screamed loud for Slater and Lisa, they blew their lungs out for Zack Morris.
Zack Morris gives Mr. McMillan a speech about how much Bayside means to lots of starving orphans and nuns and how much Mr. McMillan should just leave Bayside alone.
There is an additional continuity issue here. It seems Slater hasn’t seen Zack Morris or Kelly for a while, because he asks how the wife’s doing. This seems to suggest either Zack Morris and Kelly dropped out of college or Slater dropped out of college. I’m guessing Slater dropped out since Sandy was flying to San Francisco to see Zack Morris and Kelly.
Now, keep in mind, while all this is going on, the gang, The New Class gang, is nowhere to be found. Were they having trouble in ratings? Where they so desperate they brought back the three cast members from Saved by the Bell who couldn’t find work after cancellation? In any case, this has officially become the Mr. Belding and Screech show. There’s not even an acknowledgement that Bobby and Rachel running for prom king and queen was an issue in the first part. It’s just like nothing from the first part matters because Zack Morris, Slater, and Lisa are here for pointless cameos. vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h40m01s251
Oh, but here’s our gang! The glee club is going to sing the school song…for the fucking prom. Seriously. I don’t think the writers ever went to their own proms…
In any case, here are the lyrics for the “school song:”
It seems like only yesterday we started, But soon we’ll put away our books and pens, We’ll go on with our lives once we have parted, But how can we say farewell to our friends?
The double dates, the parties, and the dances, Cramming for a mid-term until three, The football games, The Max, and the romances, Soon Bayside will be just a memory.
Our four years here have all become unraveled, And so our high school story finally ends, But years from now, no matter where we’ve traveled, We’ll all look back and think about our friends.
Where do I even begin? High school songs are typically spirit songs used to get school spirit up during sports games. THEY’RE NOT EXPOSITION DEVICES FOR FUCKING STUPID ASS WRITERS WHO CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO FIND PROPER LITERARY DEVICES! No, there’s no excusing this. They really intend this to be the school’s song, as evidenced by Zack Morris singing along to it at one point. I…I don’t even know what else to say. Every time I think this show has done the stupidest thing it can possibly do, it finds something stupider to prove me wrong. No, really, these writers have no fucking clue what they’re doing! NONE!
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At least Mr. Belding’s happy to have his boys back for some touchy touchy in detention.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h40m53s4
And Mr. McMillan looks like he can’t wait to bang some of Sandy’s sweet puss.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h41m54s103
So, let’s get this fucking episode over. Mr. McMillan’s icy cold heart has been melted by Sandy’s hot vagina, and he agrees to sell Bayside back for one dollar and allow the school board to keep the rest of the money for donations. Screech promptly provides the dollar and the illegal sale of public property is over.vlcsnap-2014-12-21-17h43m15s119The gang thank Mr. Belding for helping them save Bayside, Mr. Belding thanks the gang for inspiring him not to give up, and our episode, and our season, ends with Screech tearing it up on the dance floor. And, yes, this episode does mark the swan song for Zack Morris, Slater, and Lisa. They will never be seen in the franchise again. What a lousy ending for them. Wedding in Las Vegas would have been a more dignified swan song. At least it wasn’t written by a pack of brain dead hyaenas high on LSD watching SpongeBob SquarePants.
And, with that excruciating episode over, that’s it for season two…at fucking last! As usual, I’ll have a recap on Wednesday and then, next week, we’ll jump in to season three and see how much worse this show can get.
Also, this review marks the one year anniversary of this blog. Thank you to everyone over the last year who has read and commented. You are why I keep watching horrible shows like The New Class. Thank you for an amazing first year! Here’s to a great year two ahead of us!
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:19:53 GMT
The New Class Season 2 Recap
Good lord this season was a train wreck from start to finish. Where do I even begin with what’s wrong with this season that makes the first season seem like fucking Shakespeare by comparison?
On a side note, someone asked on a post early this season if the writers did anything following The New Class. The short answer is, according to IMDB, most of them didn’t work again after this show. This is no surprise to me. These people can’t write to save their lives. They’re hacks to the nth degree and how they kept this show going as long as they did is beyond me.
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Let’s start with the chemistry between the cast. Yeah, what chemistry you may ask? At least the season one cast members all interacted with each other on a semi-regular basis. I can count on one hand the number of times I remember Brian and Lindsay interacting this season. Tommy D didn’t interact with Rachel often and only talked to Megan when she gave him a boner briefly in the ski lodge episodes. They acted like they barely knew each other, and that’s a problem when we’re supposed to believe that these six people are best friends.
Let’s add in the fact that Rachel and Bobby were retconned in as long time friends. Where were they all last season? It’d be easy to say that the first season has been retconned out of existence, but “The Class of 2020″ used clips from the first season, including one that showed Weasel. What’s more, in her single appearance in season one, Rachel didn’t act like she really knew the gang at all.
And the timeline of this season is just baffling. In “The Return of Screech,” it’s clearly established that Rachel is dating David but Brian wants to date Rachel. Rachel dumps David and starts dating Brian during the country club episodes. Screech also starts dating Alison during this arc. It’d be easy to say that these episodes happened in between seasons two and three, but, suddenly, around halfway through the episodes, Brian and Rachel are suddenly dating in the school episodes and Screech references Alison. Also, Lindsay and Tommy D break-up during episodes where Brian and Rachel are dating, despite the fact they were still dating during the country club episodes. To throw one more wrench in, Screech has his first evaluation, which is said to take place after his first semester, during an episode where Brian and Rachel are dating, thus meaning that my head is hurting so bad trying to get my head around when all this fucking shit is supposed to take place.
The answer is: god if I know, and I doubt the writers could have told you when it was all taking place either. But this season has much bigger problems than simple continuity and believability, my friends. This season has some of the worst characterization I’ve ever been unfortunate enough to witness.
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What I learned this season is that, if your spin-off of a popular series is tanking, the best thing you can do is to bring back the most annoying of the original cast members and center the show around him. Yes, The New Class has officially become The Screech Show. The show is now about Screech finding his way as a Miss Bliss figure at Bayside, if Miss Bliss had been born brain dead and without any redeeming qualities. The show now resembles Good Morning, Miss Bliss more than it does Saved by the Bell as it’s now about the adults and not the kids, something Peter Engel always claimed was unique about Saved by the Bell. Several times, the main plot of the episode was about our adult characters, and the gang were background characters, not integral to the main plot a all.
This is especially evident during the Goodbye Bayside two-parter. The second part could have been done entirely without the six kids. In fact, the second half pretty much was. The audience is having so much of an orgasm attack over Zack Morris, Slater, and Lisa being back that there’s no reason for anyone but Mr. Belding and Screech to even be there. So, they put the gang behind a curtain and then give them a minor role in singing the school’s song. Whereas some episodes of Saved by the Bell, such as “The Fabulous Belding Boys,” focused on the adults, they did so through the eyes of the kids, always filtered through their perception. Now, it doesn’t matter anymore because the adults really are all that matters.
The writers can’t seem to decide what to do with Screech, either. There are episodes where he’s basically a seventh member of the gang. There are also episodes where he’s supposed to be a responsible adult dispensing sagely advice for our regulars, which are the times I find Screech on this show the least believable. Let’s not pretend: the real reason he’s around is that the producers hoped Dustin Diamond’s return would mark a return of the fan base from the original series, something that was never likely to happen.
vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h57m09s109So let’s talk about our other adult cast member. Mr. Belding this season seems to be there for the sole purpose of being a foil for Screech. His boundaries with the kids are worse than ever and he takes them on trips to a ranch and a ski lodge, something that may be questionable whether it’s actually allowed. He’s also their boss all summer at the country club, once again questionable, but I’ll talk more about the country club episodes in a minute. Mr. Belding is no longer the lovable, fallible principal guiding young minds into adulthood. He’s now a laughable buffoon slowly losing his sanity to Screech’s idiocy.
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Talk about a character the writers didn’t seem to have a clue what to do with. In the season one recap, I said Tommy D exists for three purposes: to be Scott’s foil, to be Mr. Belding’s mechanic, and to be Lindsay’s boyfriend. Well, Tommy D was certainly not a foil this season with the departure of Scott and they got rid of the third trait this season, which leaves him only as Mr. Belding’s mechanic. How dignified that Mr. Belding uses free student labor. Tommy D spends most of the season solely defined as Lindsay’s boyfriend. The odd thing is that the writers would every once in a while add random traits to Tommy D for no discernible reason. They made him Bayside’s star football player despite establishing in season one that he hates sports. They made him a good singer…because they wanted to rip off “The Glee Club” a second time and had no one else to do it with. They made him a passionate crusader for saving the school because…plot. With Tommy D and Lindsay broken up, I really don’t have any clue what they’re going to do with him in season three.
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Speaking of useless, Lindsay easily wins the award for most pointless character this season. When she isn’t fawning all over Tommy D like he can do no wrong, she’s making light of anorexia and getting drunk. The first half of the season, it felt like sbe didn’t do hardly anything but hang off Tommy D’s ar., especially in the country club episodes. This is because she’s solely defined by the men in her life, as evidenced by her jealousy over Megan and Tommy D potentially getting together. She’s also more than willing to forgive Tommy D being a stupid whore fucktard, and does so in one fucking episode. Yes, they managed to make “The Aftermath” seem believable by comparison. About halfway through the season, it was kind of like the writers realized, “Oh, shit, we haven’t done anything with Lindsay yet!” and so we got the stupid anorexia episode and the breakup with Tommy D, because there’s no better way to revitalize an underdeveloped character than to get rid of the one thing that defines her. They also randomly give her Jessie and Kelly duties, such as being president of the student council or a cheerleader, when the episode dictates, which makes no sense because it just makes me realize how little I actually know about Lindsay.
vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h03m23s239Megan doesn’t do a whole lot this season, either. Since she’s no longer running from Weasel, she occasionally has one of Jessie’s quasifeminist rants to deliver, and she sometimes finds a guy hot, but that’s about it. Really, I can’t think of much she does this season other than date guys and rant about the beauty contest at the country club. It’s a shame: Bianca Lawson is actually the best actress out of all these fucktards, and she could have easily done a lot more had the writers bothered to flesh her character out. Instead, she just feels like she’s there because we needs six characters by tradition.
vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h22m01s81Good lord, where do I even begin with Rachel? I don’t get why the writers brought her over from season one at all. Every characteristic they developed for her this season just made me question what we learned about her in her single appearance during season one. They unintentionally turned her into a giant whore, not only because she cheated on David with Brian in the country club episodes, but because her dating David means she was cheating on David when she went on her date with Scott last season. And, really, what else is there about her? The writers occasionally try to insert glimpses of Lisa’s fashion taste, but it seems almost forced and like a footnote. She sometimes is a cheerleader, other times not. She’s a complete idiot and doesn’t realize when Brian is helping her cheat. Could the writers turn her into a more unlikeable, unbelievable character?
vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h26m53s184Turning Bobby into the bullied wimp in place of Weasel was a complete mistake from the beginning. It was not in keeping with any of his other characteristics: his confidence, his moral code, his compassion for others. I don’t think the writers even knew quite what to do with him. There was no real reason for Megan to reject him constantly as she did with Weasel. You couldn’t make him into a stereotypical geek like Weasel and Screech were. Thus, the worst geek quality we get out of Bobby is his love of singing. Oh my god! How horrible! He likes to sing! Give him a swirly now! It’s sad, because for a character doomed from the beginning to fail, Bobby actually had one of the most likable moments for any character from this season: when he anonymously gave Megan his tip money so she could win the tip contest. In addition, the attempt to retcon him as an unseen part of the gang in season one just makes the others seem…shallow.
vlcsnap-2014-09-22-11h58m53s95Oh, I’ve saved the worst for last. To give you an idea of what’s wrong with Brian’s character, let’s go on a brief tour through the other characters who have fulfilled the blonde leader protagonist role in this franchise (Scott is an honorary blonde protagonist because he filled the role).
Michael no“Hi, I’m Michael. I might have only appeared in one episode of Good Morning, Miss Bliss, but that episode established that I was rebelling because I was seeking attention following the death of my brother. I might have acted like a douche, but it was because I was unhappy with my life and searching for some validation for my existence.”
vlcsnap-2014-10-24-13h19m21s103“Hi, I’m Zack Morris. I act like a real ass sometimes and it can be very fulfilling to see me fail because of it. In the end, though, I come through for my friends. I’m very loyal despite my flaws and would rather lose some pride than lose a friend. I’m also surprisingly insightful at times when people need advice, and I have the awesome ability to freeze time.”
vlcsnap-2014-04-01-00h21m38s109“Hi, I’m Scott. I started out a huge unlikeable selfish douche, but something funny happened during my short time on The New Class: I actually received character development and became likeable. I had a consciousness and everything! Before I was dropped from the show, I was learning what it was like to be a part of a group and actually became one of the stand out characters from the first season.
vlcsnap-2014-09-14-19h56m03s122Now Brian.
“Hi, I’m Brian! I’m Swiss and I like Rachel!”
Yes, in twenty-six episodes, all I can really say for sure about Brian is that he’s Swiss and he likes Rachel. There are occasional glimpses throughout the season of the writers trying to make him more of a Zack Morris character, but it always falls completely flat because that’s not who he is. After he gets together with Rachel in the country club episodes, I think he very easily could have been dropped from the show with no adverse effect. He’s that superfluous. While the other five have at least a definable personality, Brian is a robot. A walking, talking, Swiss, Rachel liking robot. Why even create a character if they’re going to have less characterization than the Care Bears? And I’m not even convinced he’s really from Switzerland. He’s supposed to be an exchange student but his sister has an American accent! He’s almost like one of those bad James Bond villains who’s obviously trying really hard to be believable but completely failing at the task.
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Now one thing that needs to be mentioned about this season was how much of it was spent away from the school. A staggering eleven out of twenty-six episodes are featured away from Bayside. Most prominent was Palisade Hills Country Club, obviously supposed to be a rip-off of the Malibu Sands episodes from Saved by the Bell. The disturbing thing is that, unlike episodes of Saved by the Bell that took place away from school, all eleven episodes this season featured the adults, Mr. Belding and Screech, because the show is now about them. Why a school principal would need a summer job (when he’s supposed to be at school working!) is never explained. Equally baffling is the willingness with which the parents of our gang seem willing to just let them randomly go off to exotic locations with their school principal.
“Sure, I’ll let you go off in the mountains with your school principal! That doesn’t seem creepy at all!”
On top of all this, we were expected to just go along with the country club episode after having seen the new cast in action for all of one episode. Part of why Malibu Sands worked is because we had two years of the same cast and so we knew the dynamics of the characters. The New Class introduced three new cast members and immediately threw us into the country club episodes, which felt confusing and off-putting. The whole season was handled horribly, but the country club episodes just seemed confusing at a time when the writers should have been focusing on establishing character for our new cast rather than focusing on a summer vacation before the school year ever got started.
I already mentioned how poorly integrated these episodes are with the Bayside episodes. I don’t understand why the writers felt like the way to attract more viewers was to just throw as much at the show as they possibly could, hoping a core viewership would magically emerge.
Now it’s time to say goodbye to half our cast…again. Once again, I’d like to say why they departed, but there’s not much information available on this show as people stopped caring about it almost as soon as it aired.
Leaving this show may be the best thing Bianca Lawson ever did. After she left the role of Megan behind, Lawson scored regular roles in the shows Goode Behavior and Pretty Little Liars, as well as recurring roles in Sister, Sister, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Steve Harvey Show, Dawson’s Creek, The Secret Life of the American Teenager, The Vampire Diaries, Teen Wolf, and Witches of East End. She’s, without a doubt, the most successful former cast member from The New Class. This may seem baffling but she did come from an acting family. She continues to act to this day, showing why sometimes quitting your first job may be the best thing you ever do.
Christian Oliver has become a fairly successful German actor, appearing in a shit ton of movies and shows you’ve probably never heard of unless you live in Germany. I’ve not seen any of them, so I can only hope his acting in them is better than his acting in The New Class was. He continues acting to this day.
Spankee Rodgers appeared as an extra in a couple episodes of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. After that, he dropped off the face of the planet. No one seems to know what’s become of him. About all that’s certain is that he left the entertainment business, which may be the result of being scarred on this show. Wherever he is, I wish him luck and success.
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With five more seasons of this show to go, I’m sure it will find a way to keep going downhill, though it’s hard to imagine at this point how they could possibly get worse than season two was. This show is a train wreck. It’s utterly contemptible and, yes, it is much worse than Full House. The fact that this lasted as many seasons as it did, with four of those season logging twenty-six episodes each, is insulting, especially when you consider all the good shows that are cancelled after one season. There’s a special place in hell for the television executives who kept renewing this show. I hope it’s a spot where they have to watch this shitty show twenty-four hours a day for eternity.
My Picks
Ugh, how do I even pick five episodes above the rest from this season that just stand out in their sheer shittiness? It’s like asking a kid to pick just one toy in a Toys ‘R Us. Okay, I’ll give it a go. Remember, feel free to agree or disagree in the comments below.
Episode 7, “The People’s Choice:” The moral of this story is: don’t put Screech in charge of anything. The fact that Bayside is portrayed as being so incompetent they have no idea how their athletic director is spending money is insulting, and this is where the retconning of Tommy D’s character really begins. Add to this the exaggeration of the importance of the PSAT, and you have a very stupid episode.
Episode 15, “A Perfect Lindsay:” This episode is utterly insulting in its portrayal of anorexia, a real issue among the teens this show is trying to target. Lindsay basically goes from normal to anorexic in the span of a few days, showing that anorexia is as easy to catch as the common cold. Bobby and Megan’s stupid subplot about dancing takes up half the episode so there really isn’t time enough to seriously talk about anorexia even if they wanted to.
Episode 16, “Back at the Ranch:” I debated between this one and “Wanna Bet?” Considering that half this episode is a fantasy sequence about Screech wanting to be a better cowboy than Clint, I’ll go with this one. This episode is about as believable as an episode of Scooby-Doo, after the added Scrappy. The fact that Screech ends up inexplicably being the hero is such a contrivance I dare say Ed Wood couldn’t have done worse.
Episode 20, “Drinking 101:” It was between this one and “The D Stands for Dropout.” Both are episodes that throw every cliche in the book at you to convince you how evil their subject matter is. This one would be laughable if it weren’t for the fact that some kid, somewhere watched this episode and believed that alcohol would instantly wreck their life if they even drank it for one night. The fact that they randomly decided to have Tommy D break his leg in the end put this one over the edge. This entire episode made me want to drink copious amounts of alcohol while reviewing it.
Episode 26, “Goodbye Bayside, Part 2:” Is it any surprise this one made the list? The first half is almost completely identical to part one and the second half is a flimsy, cheap excuse for the three cast members from Saved by the Bell who couldn’t find work to make cameos while the gang hangs around in the background wondering why they’re even in the episode. It’s a horribly scripted episode and whoever wrote it obviously has no idea how the sale of public property works.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 13:20:05 GMT
The New Class Season 3, Episode 1: “Welcome to Bayside”
It’s the first day of a new school year and we open the season at Lindsay’s house, where Lindsay and Rachel discover they both have the same horrible taste in clothes as they’ve both dressed up as the Hamburglar in drag. Tommy D comes in and the audience practically has a hernia over the fact he’s still on the show. I don’t get it. Did they think turning on the applause sign more would make him more like Slater? Anyway, he’s an idiot like usual and can’t tell Lindsay and Rachel are modeling for a new McDonald’s ad campaign so Lindsay says fuck this stupid shit and goes to change clothes.
Once Lindsay’s gone, Tommy D confesses to Rachel that he wants to ask Lindsay back out because he’s come to realize she’s the only woman who will ever find his idiocy endearing. We’re only a few minutes in and I think Tommy D and Rachel have had more interaction in this time than they did all last season.vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h12m55s252At Bayside, Tommy D gives a warm welcome to our three new regulars: Ryan Parker (Richard Lee Jackson), Maria Lopez (Samantha Becker), and R.J. “Hollywood” Collins (Salim Grant). Yes, “Hollywood” is his nickname. I won’t be calling him that, though, unless the episode calls for it because it’s a fucking stupid nickname that only the writers of The New Class could come up with. Our three new regulars are instantly hated because they’re former Valley students and, as we all know, Valley students are detested at Bayside unless it’s otherwise convenient to the plot. Maria was apparently head cheerleader at Bayside and talked hella shit against Bayside while Ryan was a prankster who stole the Bayside mascot so they’re obviously irredemable. R.J. is just unlikable as we will see the longer this season goes on.
Yeah, the school board decided to just randomly redistrict one hundred Valley students to Bayside and Tommy D, Lindsay, and Rachel are not very happy with this decision. Tommy D tries to choke Ryan to death and Maria kicks him in the shin. I have to say, I’m liking her already for her willingness to inflict physical pain to Tommy D, which is a good thing since she’s the first character we’ve met who will be around until the end of the series.
Also, Mr. Belding walks through and randomly declares that he’s lost fifteen pounds. Um, thanks for sharing and, once again, having no boundaries? vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h15m02s245 Since it’s a requirement that regulars on this show psychically know about The Max, Ryan, Maria, and R.J. gather to discuss how fucking stupid it is to be on this show. Ryan promises that he’ll show up our returning characters. Maria will be head cheerleader and R.J. will be the deejay at the annual Welcome Back dance, which I don’t think we’ve ever seen in the seven previous years of this franchise because it’s never been convenient to the plot.vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h15m39s96 Meanwhile, Mr. Belding eats a rice patty and a stick of broccoli. Oh, I get it! The subplot is a stupid one about Mr. Belding’s weight. Didn’t we just do that last season? Screech waves lots of chocolate in his face to push the point home that this is what we’re supposed to care about.
Ryan comes in and tells Mr. Belding that the Valley girls aren’t happy because they’re scared that they won’t stand a chance when it’s time to choose head cheerleader. Mr. Belding and Screech start arguing over who’s more qualified to fall for Ryan’s plan and Ryan suggests they just both fall for his plan, which they like.
It’s sad that Ryan’s been on this show about seven and a half minutes now and he’s already fulfilling the role of Zack Morris better than Brian did in twenty-six episodes.vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h19m41s217
Meanwhile, Ryan heard from Scott that the best way to achieve popularity at Bayside is to date Lindsay, despite the fact that Tommy D dated her for two years and what did that actually accomplish? Naturally, his plan involves R.J. running through the hallway in his underwear. Yeah, Ryan’s out to convince Lindsay that Bayside kids are out to get Valley kids and the only way to counteract this is for a Bayside student to go to the dance with a Valley student, ergo R.J. in his underwear.
Yeah, this is all as stupid as it sounds, but it gets Lindsay to go to the dance with Ryan, just as Tommy D approaches with a bunch of flowers ready to ask Lindsay back out. vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h20m56s184 The next day, Ryan rigs the microphone to explode when Screech makes the afternoon announcements…somehow…and Mr. Belding spills Screech’s cookies all over the place. Ryan and R.J. run in as R.J. gives the most nonsensical explanation for a microphone exploding: “Freon in the reverberator wire.” Naturally, this explanation makes R.J. qualified to be deejay at the school dance. Did I miss something somewhere? This is like playing connect the dots with a blind person.
Also, Ryan leaves a diary supposedly written by Rachel. When Screech and Mr. Belding read it, it talks smack about the two of them and Bayside, making them hella pissed that she wants to be head cheerleader and not ready to be biased in any way.vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h23m10s247 The next day, it’s time to choose head cheerleader. Rachel puts on her usual mediocre performance. Mr. Belding and Screech give her zeroes for talking smack about them.vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h23m50s155
Maria gives a similar mediocre performance and gets ten. Since they’re apparently the only two students in the school who want to be head cheerleader, she is named head cheerleader.
Tommy D asks Screech why he gave Rachel a horrible score and he spills the beans about Ryan.
Later, the hallway is toilet papered and vandalized. When Mr. Belding and Screech, having apparently been just inside Mr. Belding’s office in he midst of the vandalism when it occurred and having heard nothing, come to investigate, Tommy D and Rachel blame it on Ryan. Ryan opens his locker and out falls spray paint and toilet paper. They all argue and Mr. Belding finally figures out that it’s our six regulars being stupid again. vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h25m44s4
In the midst of the fighting, look who shows up! Oh, Milton and Ron, it’s somehow comforting to know you’re starting your tenth years at Bayside. The school just wouldn’t be the same without your mid-twenties selves in its hallways. Also, during the fighting, Screech can clearly be seen shaking Maria like a rag doll. I’m pretty sure that’s grounds for a law suit.
Mr. Belding gives the six detention together so they can think about this stupid feud.vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h27m11s107 Mr. Belding leaves Screech in charge of detention, who promptly uses the time to build a literal house of cards. Lindsay sees the house as a metaphor for the relationship between the Bayside and Valley kids. I would think a year with Screech would have taught her that Screech doesn’t have thoughts, much less deep thoughts, but it gets the six talking about their feelings anyway. The Valley kids talk about how hard it is to be the new students on a stupid Saved by the Bell spin-off and the Bayside kids wonder why half their friends keep disappearing without explanation every season. vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h29m05s229 At the dance, Mr. Belding makes the Bayside and Valley kids wear badges showing their school affiliation and restricts each group to half of the gym each as Screech dances idiotically in the middle. This is even enforced when Ron wants to use the restroom, which is on the Valley side of the gym, and is told he can’t because plot. Are they looking for a law suit this episode?
Both groups of kids decide this plot has gone far enough and they might as well accept their fate as one big gang for the next season. Ryan dances with Lindsay, Rachel with R.J., and Maria feels sorry for Tommy D’s idiocy, and they decide not to mention this incident anymore. R.J. takes over the controls at the deejay and reveals he has the same taste in elevator music as past characters who enjoyed deejaying. vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h31m18s9Mr. Belding’s subplot about losing weight ends with Screech hugging Mr. Belding and crushing a bunch of cookies in his jacket pockets. Boy, that was truly necessary to the rest of this episode.
vlcsnap-2014-12-28-19h32m02s204Tommy D declares to Rachel he still wants to get back with Lindsay and our episode ends with Ryan not letting Tommy D cut in for a dance with Lindsay because he’s decided Lindsay might be able to help him with his infernal virginity.
Firsts: Ryan Parker, Maria Lopez, R.J. “Hollywood” Collins, Ryan and Tommy D feud over Lindsay.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 13:20:35 GMT
The New Class Season 3, Episode 2: “Love Bugs”
We open with Maria showing her new found Bayside spirit by threatening to cut off Ron’s balls and feed them to him if he doesn’t get off the phone so she can try to win tickets to “Grunge Fest” from a radio station. Ron very helpfully agrees to get off the phone as he runs away peeing himself. Maria, however, is unable to get through because the line is busy.
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Tommy D continues his quest to try and get back with Lindsay since he knows she’s the only girl who will ever give him the time of day. Tommy D finally tells Lindsay how he feels, but Ryan comes up to take Lindsay to lunch, and Tommy D promptly invites himself along, determined not to be cock blocked. vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h00m23s209 Remember that one kid who would play Copy Cat with you and annoy the living fuck out of you? Well that’s Screech during this episode. He’s deliberately annoying the fuck out of Mr. Belding so he can convince Mr. Belding to buy a new high tech communications system. Mr. Belding finally tells Screech he can do whatever the hell he wants as long as he stops annoying himvlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h01m08s148
At The Max, Lindsay totally has Tommy D and Ryan whipped into doing her every command because she’s apparently the most desired girl in Los Angeles. They both want to be her love slave to prove their devotion so she takes full advantage of it.
vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h01m41s232Maria continues her quest to get tickets to Grunge Fest. When she realizes R.J. is on the phone with them, she promptly grabs away his cell phone and tries to claim his free tickets. She…seriously needs to be slapped right now. Seriously, is this her entire personality: being an abrasive bitch? Oh, but the battery goes dead! Too bad!
R.J. puts a new battery in. Maria doesn’t want to try again because she’s tired of trying so Lindsay tries instead. Despite the fact that Maria says she’s been trying to get through for two days and the line is constantly busy, Lindsay gets right through and wins two tickets. Ryan and Tommy D fight over who Lindsay’s going to take and Lindsay just can’t decide between Arrogant and Brainless. Uh, why not pick R.J. since you did use his fucking phone! Jesus, people are rude in this episode!
In the time honored tradition of Saved by the Bell, Rachel decides the best way to choose is to have a slumber party and have Maria and her help Lindsay pick. Or…you could flip a coin like a rational human being. But, oh joy, we get to rip off the slumber party episode…again. I swear, if Tommy D dresses in drag, I’m quitting this blog. vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h03m52s1
Back at Bayside, Mr. Belding feels like Madonna wearing a wireless headset that they emphasize Screech bought with school funds without prior authorization for $1,000. Mr. Belding is easily impressed that the headset is wireless. Next he’ll be impressed the light switch makes the room light and dark.
Tommy D comes in to give Mr. Belding his car keys. Seems he’s still Mr. Belding’s personal auto mechanic this season and gave it a tune up. He hears Mr. Belding on the radio and Screech explains about the new equipment. He then…randomly tells Tommy D about the time Zack Morris and he bugged a slumber party. Seriously, it just came the fuck out of nowhere. Of course, this gives Tommy D the idea to bug the girls’ slumber party because contrivances are contrived. Also, Mr. Belding manages to fall in the pool wearing the headset. Way to go. vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h06m07s68
Tommy D sneaks in Lindsay’s room to hide a microphone in one of Lindsay’s bears. vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h06m24s250
He hears someone coming and hides in the closet thinking it’s Lindsay, but it’s actually Ryan and R.J. come to do the exact same thing because…plot?vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h06m48s231
The girls really do come this time so Ryan and R.J. hide under the bed. Why is it on television, beds always have enough room to hide under? I was always jealous of this as a kid that my bed was not so designed. vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h07m40s228
We get our obligatory “the girls almost discover the boys” gags, including all three girls trying to open the closet as Tommy D tries to keep it shut. Judging by the look on Rachel’s face, though, I think she’s enjoying holding onto Maria more than getting the door open.
The boys are saved by the arrival of pizza and, given the usual trend in this franchise, I’m surprised the pizza man didn’t just come to her bedroom door but actually rang the front door. Ryan and R.J. sneak out first, followed shortly by Tommy D when Lindsay comes back to get money where Tommy D quite literally hides under a rug.
Ryan and R.J. set up base at The Max, where whoever owns it now just lets them set up lots of electronic equipment, apparently. vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h09m17s185
Tommy D sets up in Mr. Belding’s office and looks prepared to orgasm over his burrito. Screech comes in to pick up the equipment and send it back, and he’s shocked to find out his contrived line actually lead to Tommy D bugging a slumber party. Mr. Belding comes in randomly and reminds Screech that, if anything happens to the equipment, the company won’t take it back.
Screech tells Tommy D he has to be honest with Lindsay if he wants to get back with her so he needs to tell her he was eavesdropping on her. vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h11m03s213
Screech then pulls off the receiver, causing it to explode in a giant puff of smoke that makes me wonder if it’s powered by miniature nuclear power. This sends feedback to both Ryan and R.J. at The Max as well as the girls at the slumber party. Maria discovers the bug and a packet of salsa. Knowing that Tommy D loves carrying salsa in his jacket since…the beginning of this episode…Lindsay decides that it must be Tommy D who bugged the slumber party, and she plans revenge with the girls. All this time, I’m not sure what’s preventing Ryan and R.J. from hearing them, but they don’t somehow because…inverted laws of physics?vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h11m49s173
Lindsay tells Maria and Rachel in the bear that she wants a guy to sing and dance for the one he loved like an old musical and that, if a guy did that for her, she’d definitely go out with him.
vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h13m02s135The next day, naturally, Ryan comes in and sings and dances for Lindsay, complete with musical accompaniment that must be coming directly from Heaven because there’s nothing there playing the music despite the presence of the music. Lindsay feels bad she blamed Tommy D for the eavesdropping when it’s obvious Ryan’s the piece of crap.
Meanwhile, Tommy D tells Screech no one in the school shop class can fix the radio equipment, because school shop classes are the number one places to take broken radio equipment to be repaired. Screech tells Tommy D that Mr. Belding is going to kill him and reminds Tommy D he needs to confess his crimes to Lindsay.
Tommy D goes over to the girls but, before he can confess, Lindsay asks him to Grunge Fest. That’s suddenly enough for him not to want to confess anymore so he just forgets about it and walks away. Screech comes up and, in his usual dumb ass fashion, butts his nose into the gang’s business and tells Lindsay that he hopes she can eventually forgive Tommy D. Lindsay says there’s no way she’d go with either of these idiots but that she will teach them a lesson.
Screech meanwhile can’t bring himself to tell Mr. Belding about the equipment because…conflict…so he just randomly hits on Mr. Belding, since that makes everything so much better. vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h16m19s54
At The Max, Lindsay tells Ryan and Tommy D that she’s getting into the spirit of Grunge Fest. She says she will take whichever one of them can make themselves look more like this show’s idea of grunge that has nothing to do with actual grunge since the writers are trying to be hip about something they obviously don’t know anything about. Yes, they are definitely confusing punk and ska with grunge. Their idea is for Maria to shave their heads and Rachel to pierce their noses. vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h17m07s15
And R.J. comes running in, pretending to be the latest victim of Rachel’s male mutilating ways. Yeah, it’s like he’s actually trying to cover up his red nose. Both Ryan and Tommy D run away in fear that they too might fall victim to adults not understanding the hip new trends.
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In the gym, Screech holds a clothing sale to try and raise $1,000 so Mr. Belding need never know about his latest bout of idiocy. Things go south, though, when Rachel, Maria, and Ron recognize some of the stuff as theirs and Screech reveals he got all the stuff from lost and found.
Ryan and Tommy D both come in to see Lindsay with a normal head of hair. Ryan and Tommy D both figure out the other bugged the slumber party despite the fact that Tommy D was there when Ryan and R.J. entered the room and should have heard them talking. But this is Tommy D we’re talking about and he is a complete moron.
Lindsay says she’s not taking either of these brain trusts to Grunge Fest and is, instead, taking Maria since, at least then, she has a bodyguard in case the actual grungers come after them for completely misunderstanding the genre of music. R.J. comes in all high and mighty without a bandage and tells them they were dumb for bugging Lindsay’s room, despite the fact that R.J. helped Ryan set up the equipment, which actually makes him just as culpable as Ryan and Tommy D, but this is The New Class we’re talking about and no one cares about what makes sense. Screech tells Tommy D he should have confessed sooner and a voice under a football helmet tells Screech he should have taken that advice himself. vlcsnap-2015-01-02-19h20m09s50It’s Mr. Belding, telling Screech he found the broken equipment and was able to repair it because he was once in the ham radio club. Yeah, BULL FUCKING SHIT! Solid state equipment is not that easy to fix. And our episode ends with Screech practically orgasming over Mr. Belding’s ability to fix his stupid mistakes.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 13:21:00 GMT
The New Class Season 3, Episode 3: “Driving School”
You know, we had two episodes in a row of The New Class that weren’t exactly good, but were a huge improvement over last season. I had high hopes this trend would continue. Then this episode came along. This horrible rip-off of two Saved by the Bell episodes as well as a season one episode of The New Class. Oh, the things I watch for this site.
*sigh* Here we go.vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h33m17s92 We open with Maria super-stoaked that her father is buying her a Cherokee for her upcoming sixteenth birthday. No, not a Native American, although that wouldn’t surprise me in the least coming from this show, but a car. Meanwhile, Lindsay turns down a date to The Max after school with Ryan so she can illegally practice driving with Tommy D. Wait…Lindsay is just learning to drive? She’s at least a junior, maybe a senior, by now. Why is she just now learning to drive? Why do I expect this show to have a chronology that makes sense?!?! Anyway, Ryan decides the only way to get Lindsay to go with him instead of Tommy D is to get his own car. Blah blah blah.
Mr. Belding and Screech come in and exposit on how Mr. Belding appointed the world’s most incompetent administrative assistant as a driver’s ed teacher, both because Mr. Tuttle refused to suffer the indignity of being on this show and because you apparently don’t need a teacher’s license or anything to teach in the state of California. This experience has turned Screech into a parking Nazi and he tells Mr. Belding that his car, which is named “Henrietta,” is being towed because it’s an inch over the parking line. It…so does not work that way. I get they’re trying to exaggerate things for humor but it doesn’t work if a) it’s not funny and b) it’s so transparently incorrect you don’t have to think about it. vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h35m50s47
Now it’s time for the worst driver’s ed class in the history of everything. Seriously…seriously…steering wheels on top of the desks…Mr. Tuttle’s airport shuttle was a more accurate depiction of driver’s ed classes. What are they going to learn from this? What can they possibly learn from this I ask you?!?!
We quickly establish in this scene that Maria has no clue about driving and does not belong on the road because she’s a smart ass.
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We also meet Arthur, who’s excited by Rachel’s new-found lack of boyfriend. He wants to bang the bejesus out of her but she wants nothing to do with him because he’s trying too hard to be as snobbish as Maxwell Nerdstrom.
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And, no joke, Screech’s method of teaching driver’s ed is to put on a gorilla mask and ask the students what they would do. How has he not been fired yet, or Mr. Belding fired for continuing to place him in situations the mentally ill should not be in? R.J.’s not worried about the gorilla, though, because he keeps a banana in his pocket. Screech is sure to go for bananas in teenagers’ pockets. Also, there’s a final tomorrow.
Tommy D walks in immediately after the bell rings, having been loitering outside the door rather than in class, and takes Lindsay for a “parking lesson,” which I assume is slang for “quick blowjob behind the Wal-Mart.” Ryan gets jealous and asks R.J. to chip in some money so they can buy a car, but R.J. has no money, so they turn to Rachel to chip in as well. She only has $20, so Ryan gets the best course of action is to get more partners, because nothing can go wrong with that idea. vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h37m47s158
Now this episode has only been bad so far. Here’s where it starts getting really terrible. Since Milton and Ron aren’t available this week, we have these two dip shits who make Milton and Ron’s performances look Emmy worthy by comparison. They’re easily manipulated into giving Ryan money with the suggestion that a car will make girls want to fuck them.vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h38m21s56
Our next contestants are two of the worst actors to ever portray extras in this franchise. They’re football players and, of course, way too old to be playing high school students. The one on the left annoys the hell out of me because his idea of being a jock is speaking with one of the worst fake lisps I’ve heard in my life. I hope we never have to see him beyond this episode. R.J. sells them on the car thing with promises of a Chinese restaurant in the vicinity.
vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h38m49s83Finally, Rachel sells four band geeks on the car with promises of a car to drive their instruments home in after band practice. First, why the hell are they dressed in a marching band uniform when they’re not marching? THAT’S NOT THE FUCKING WAY IT WORKS!!! Second, can they be any less transparent with this subplot? They’ve just sold rights on a car to eleven different people. Gee, I wonder what’s going to happen?
Maria comes in and brags about her car and says she can get a Nintendo put in. I wish I could play Nintendo right now.
Back at Bayside, Screech tells Mr. Belding almost everyone passed the Driver’s Ed final and also informs him that he’s continuing this kick of being a driving Nazi by having Mr. Belding’s car inspected. There are some violations that he’s going to have Tommy D fix because we need to advance the plot. vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h41m02s119 Mr. Belding leaves to inspect his car as Maria comes in. Turns out she failed the final and begs Screech to pass her so she can get the car. Screech, because he has no professional boundaries, agrees because Maria bugs him enough and asks him to have a heart.
After a commercial break, Ryan asks Lindsay to the beach in the car he doesn’t have yet. R.J. comes in and tells him he still needs $600. vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h43m05s80
Arthur comes in and asks Rachel to be his date to Maria’s party. Rachel tells him to fuck off before she rips his penis off. After she leaves, though, Ryan tells him that Rachel really wants his hot ass but is too distracted by her lack of car. He gives Ryan the $600 for the car as Arthur goes off thinking he’s getting lucky.vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h44m14s2
Of course Maria’s party is being thrown at The Max. Where else would it be held? I mean, fuck, this place seems to do nothing but cater to the whims of students at Bayside. It’s no wonder they once almost went out of business.vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h46m03s68
Naturally, Maria invited one of her teachers to her party and, continuing on the theme of Screech not understanding appropriate faculty/student relations, goes. Maria’s father thanks Screech for doing such a good job teaching Maria driver’s ed. Screech feels guilty that he’s so easily manipulated. Also, the band members continue to wear their marching band uniforms at Maria’s party. Seriously, real kids don’t do this!!!
Arthur asks Rachel to dance and, though she tells him to fuck off at first, Ryan convinces her to dance. After a really horrible attempt to sexually harass Rachel, Arthur reveals he gave Ryan the money for the car and she goes over to kill Ryan.
Tommy D comes in with Lindsay and tells Screech he accidentally locked Mr. Belding’s keys in the trunk…somehow. Going down in the book of, “why the hell are you keeping this secret?,” Screech tells Tommy D they can sneak into his office and get his spare set of keys. Really, locking the keys in the car is not a big deal! It happens to the best of us all the time! Why is this a problem!vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h49m38s175
Maria’s father gives her the keys to the car and she takes the gang sans Tommy D for a spin. Since she’s shitty at driving, she pays more attention to the vanity mirror and radio, even when she’s turning into the school.vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h50m18s26
This leads her to crash into Mr. Belding’s car in one of the worst cases of cinematography in history. Mr. Ed talking was more convincing than the crash sequence. vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h51m05s16
Somehow this is a problem because Screech was an idiot and passed Maria when he shouldn’t have. Rather than reporting the accident, they decide the best thing to do is have Tommy D repair the car.vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h52m03s71
At school the next day, Ryan uses the gang’s money to buy a car identical to Mr. Belding’s. They proceed to stare like the children of the corn because that’s their idea of acting natural.vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h52m36s156
Mr. Belding wants his car back but Screech can’t stop making demon possession sounds so Ryan tells Mr. Belding that Tommy D is finishing it up. Ryan wants to distract Mr. Belding with his new car, but the eight other owners of the car pick that moment to want to take it out for a spin…and of course the band members are still wearing the marching band uniforms since they’re apparently a part of their skin now.vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h54m46s173
Ryan gets word to Screech about the car, and Screech uses his great skills in paddy cake to try to keep Mr. Belding from looking out the window. He does, though, and sees some really horrible stereotypes sitting in what he believes is his car.
Mr. Belding goes out to find out what’s going on and, for some reason, automatically assumes Ryan’s behind the whole thing. vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h55m52s64
Everyone starts arguing about who owns the car when Tommy D comes out and, in a signature stupid Tommy D move, blurts out directly in front of Mr. Belding that he needs another part for the car. Screech and Maria come clean and Mr. Belding is all, “That’s okay! You learned a lesson so the only consequence is Maria has to take Driver’s Ed against next semester!” Seriously, Screech does not get fired for this. Can he do nothing worthy of termination at this school? vlcsnap-2015-01-12-18h57m09s70However, Ryan gets detention because his deception was the worse than misusing his power or getting into a hit and run accident. Geez, priorities Mr. Belding! Ryan’s the least of your worries in this episode! You have a non-teacher who’s abused his power and another student who committed a felony and you’re worried about cover-ups and lies, which technically every member of the gang did this week? I’m sorry to say but I think Ryan’s getting shafted here.
Arthur comes up asking Rachel why she’s avoiding him. She tells him to fuck off back to whatever hole the casting director found him in so he demands his money back from Ryan. Ryan agrees to sell the car and pay everyone back and our episode ends with Ryan asking Lindsay to still go to the beach with him but on the bus, because only poor and old people take the bus!
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 13:21:30 GMT
The New Class Season 3, Episode 4: “What’s the Problem?”
This is the forty-second episode of The New Class I’ve reviewed. I’ve reviewed two seasons of this shit fest and I can truly say that, in that time, I’ve never come across something quite like this before. What is it, you ask? Well, I’ve found an episode of The New Class that may be, well, genuinely good.
I know! I know! I’m questioning my sanity as well! Maybe reviewing episode after episode of Saturday morning’s long forgotten ugly step-sister has driven me crazy. In any case, I liked this episode. I feel so dirty for typing these words about this show!
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So what’s good about this episode? Well, we open at an assembly where Mr. Belding and Screech give Todd Green, the star of the football player, an award. Wow, he’s been held back quite a bit! Yeah, the actor playing Todd was twenty-eight when this episode was filmed. Guess the casting department really doesn’t know what a teenager looks like.
Also, yeah, guess we’re forgetting about Tommy D being retconned into the star football player last season, which is a good thing because I never bought it either. Mr. Belding asks Todd to read the inscription on the plaque to the school but he has trouble reading the words. The school, including our gang, start laughing at Todd because reading difficulties are hilarious.
Yeah, this is obviously going to be a very special episode about learning disabilities, which makes it all the more perplexing to me that I like this episode. I feel like I need to rewatch “Jessie’s Song” or the episode of Diff’rent Strokes where Dudley was molested by the bicycle shop guy just to remind myself how horrible a very special episode can be!
The other order of business for the assembly is for Mr. Belding to ask for nominations for homecoming king. Ryan very quickly nominates Lindsay, and Tommy D acts butt hurt that he has too slow of reflexes to do it first. Maria’s all, “This whole thing is bull shit,” so R.J. decides that means she wants to be homecoming queen and nominates her.vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h29m57s32
In the hallway, Maria’s fucking pissed that someone would dare nominate her for homecoming queen and says she’ll withdraw as soon as she can find Screech. Lindsay tells her it’s a good thing, too, because Maria’s unpleasant to be around and no one would vote for her skanky ass anyway. vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h30m46s251
Maria’s all, “Oh no you di’int!” and says she’s in this bitch to win it just to show up that biatch Lindsay.
As the rest of the gang walks away, Mr. Belding asks Rachel to tutor Todd in history. Turns out that Todd is failing history and, since Megan isn’t around anymore, he needs someone else to play the role of the smart one. Rachel tells him that she’ll reluctantly accept this role since someone has to fill it.
Mr. Belding asks Screech to put the crown in the trophy case. Screech, though, is afraid some Valley punk will steal the crown. Forgetting the incompetency Screech has exhibited over the course of this franchise, Mr. Belding agrees to allow Screech to hide the crown and not even tell him where it is.vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h31m57s211
At The Max, Rachel tutors Todd in American Civil War history. Though Todd has trouble reading, as soon as Rachel reads the question, he rattles off a very thorough and rehearsed answer, thus proving he does actually know the material. He also subtly hits on Rachel and, by subtly, I actually mean subtly this time. I didn’t think the writers of this series had it in them, but they manage to pull off flirting less obvious than, “Let’s fuck!”vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h32m53s6
Ryan and Tommy D fight over who gets to campaign for votes for Lindsay. vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h33m03s94
Lindsay says she doesn’t want to campaign for votes, but Ryan points out that whore Mimi Murphy, Lindsay’s only other competition besides Maria, who’s campaigning by passing out cupcakes to fat people. Oh, it’s nice to know that this franchise still thinks fat people have no dignity and also still has no idea what a fat person looks like. Mimi’s shenanigans are enough to convince Lindsay, who gives Ryan and Tommy D her blessing.
Tommy D goes to a table and tells them that Lindsay Warner’s campaign is paying for their lunch. Unfortunately, his dumb ass forgot to check whether the people at the table are Bayside students, and it turns out they go to Valley because it’s the one time someone without a Bayside connection is there to eat and not just further the plot. Ryan, meanwhile, gets Lindsay the votes of a bunch of geek girls by promising them hot shagging with Tommy D.
Screech, meanwhile, comes in and asks Ryan if he can guess where Screech hid the crown. Apparently Ryan was the one who stole the crown last year, but the episode didn’t bother to tell us that before now. Ryan uses his psychic powers to correctly guess in the air vent above the girls’ locker room, and Screech runs out screaming like a fucking idiot at his own incompetence. vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h34m21s102
The next day at school, we see Maria’s campaign strategy involves slapping “Vote for Maria” stickers on people and threatening random nerds. R.J. tells her that, if she wants to get elected, she’s going to have to stop being a fucking psycho and actually be nice to people. She does this by giving a boner to a nerd, who immediately runs off to masturbate in the bathroom.
Screech tells Mr. Belding to guess where the crown is and he’s like, “Why would you ask me to guess when you couldn’t trust me to know before?” Screech suddenly remembers he’s such an idiot he forgot where he hid it and runs off screaming and hopefully to kill himself.
vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h35m49s229Todd thanks Rachel for her help studying by eating her face and says he hopes he passes the test. Rachel tells him that he’s a lot smarter than most people think and that she’s sure he’ll do fine. It’s nice to see that, post-Brian and David, Rachel still goes for much older guys. vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h36m16s243 After class, Maria suddenly has a bunch of cocktail franks that Milton loves enough to tell the “Weenie Mama” she has his vote. Oh, Milton, you are the consistency in this show. Lindsay’s upset at this development so Ryan gets an unexplained idea about what to do.
In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech searches desperately for the crown so Mr. Belding won’t realize how incompetent he is. Mr. Belding comes in and wants the crown so he can take a picture of the candidates around it so Screech runs out to continue his search. vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h38m16s155
As he leaves, Rachel comes in and expresses concern for Todd. Despite him knowing the material during the study session, he told her he had trouble with the test and only finished half of it. Rachel tells Mr. Belding how Todd seems to understand everything but he has trouble reading.vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h38m30s33
Tommy D fumigates a classroom to get votes for Lindsay, thinking the chess club will appreciate the effort. Unfortunately, he’s still an idiot and forgot to check who actually meets there, which is the insect club, who vow eternal vengeance for his misdeed. vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h39m43s6
Meanwhile, Ryan starts a campaign of misinformation about Maria’s wieners and tells two idiot football players that Maria tainted them on purpose so they couldn’t play in the homecoming game. They naturally believe every word he says.
As Rachel leaves Mr. Belding’s office, they finish the conversation that was awkwardly cut off from the last scene. Mr. Belding suspects that Todd might be dyslexic. Rachel asks if there’s anything they can do for him and Mr. Belding tells her dyslexia is a real thing and there’s things they can do to help him. Mr. Belding agrees to do his job and talk to Todd. vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h40m27s191
Screech, meanwhile, drug R.J. into his idiocy by placing him in charge of security for the crown. Screech has replaced the crown, still missing, with a kids hat from Tamale King hoping that everyone is as stupid as him and won’t notice. When Mr. Belding and the three candidates walk in, Screech has R.J. run off with it really fast, claiming a Valley spy is watching them from the frosted windows. Screech is not the brightest, is he?
Rachel, meanwhile, tells Todd she talked to Mr. Belding about his reading problems. Todd’s fucking pissed that, instead of everyone believing he’s stupid, everyone may now view him as a freak because he has a disability. He walks off declaring himself to be dumb. Todd, I’m pretty sure people think you’re stupid because you’re in your late twenties and still in high school.vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h41m58s80
In class the next day, Todd has indeed failed the test, which means he can’t play in the game. His fellow football players start making fun of him for being stupid but Mr. Belding comes in to break stuff up. vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h42m47s21
Mr. Belding writes a sentence in what I originally assumed to be the native language of Lichtenbourg, but turns out to be gibberish. Mr. Belding tells the class they have to correctly answer this question or they all fail the test. R.J. tells Mr. Belding that he’s finally gone off his rocker, and Mr. Belding tells them that there’s millions of people who have a learning disability called dyslexia that makes them see all words like this. It is, indeed, not fair to fail someone who can’t answer a question that looks like this, which is why Bayside should have fired its three batshit crazy teachers who lived to fail students with impossibly hard questions. Tommy D wonders if he might have dyslexia and Ryan tells him, no, he’s just a moron.
This scene actually makes a lot of sense. Mr. Belding comes in to talk to Todd, sees the fight, and gives the students a lesson in neurodiversity. I’m actually quite impressed with the handling of this scene. It’s possibly the best I’ve seen in the franchise when handling a very special issue.
Anyway, Todd initially walks out, glaring at Rachel but comes back in and says he wants to talk with Mr. Belding.vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h44m33s80
Screech and R.J. still haven’t found the crown. Screech suddenly remembers that he hid the crown in the janitor’s closet. They run there and find it gone so R.J. suggests the janitor may have thrown it out so they should look in the dumpster. Just where Screech belongs.vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h45m06s161
Mr. Belding gives Todd a verbal make-up test, which he passes with flying colors, meaning he can play in the homecoming game and that he might actually be able to graduate high school before he’s thirty. vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h45m29s131
At the homecoming dance, Milton and this geek talk smack about how much of a whorish traitor Maria is. Maria’s devastated that they think horribly of her but doesn’t respond in her usual ghettoish manner, instead slinking off sadly.
Ryan lets it slip to Lindsay what he did to Maria’s campaign, and she tells him to quit doing fucking shitty things to get in her pants. She goes to tell Maria the truth. vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h46m46s135
Eight hours later, Screech and R.J. are still looking through the dumpster with no luck on finding the crown. We get some attempts at gross out jokes that fall flat, and Screech decides it’s time to tell Mr. Belding the truth.
Back at the dance, Maria and Lindsay make-up, both saying they’re giving it to the other if they win because apparently no one really wants to be queen except that whore Mimi.
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Screech walks in and, before he can confess, suddenly finds that Sidney, the janitor, is the other person at Bayside who always wanted to be homecoming queen. Uh, why didn’t you just fucking ask him if he saw it in the first place! That would have been better than digging through the fucking dumpster! Screech takes the crown from Sidney and gives it to Mr. Belding.
Mr. Belding announces the results of homecoming queen. Turns out it’s a write-in and Rachel wins. Rachel’s surprised and overjoyed and turns out Todd got the whole school to vote for Rachel to think her for what she did for him. There’s no mention of homecoming king. I guess since it’s not relevant to the plot there is no homecoming king this year.vlcsnap-2015-01-19-20h49m47s157And our episode ends with Rachel and Todd dancing as the gang gathers around them clapping that they actually made a good episode.
So what do I like about this episode? It handles a really sensitive subject very well, a rarity in the Saved by the Bell universe, and it’s a real issue that the target demographic of this show may actually have to deal with. On top of that, there are some genuinely funny moments, especially in the homecoming queen subplot, and Dennis Haskins was giving his all in the role Mr. Belding should fill more often: that of the loving, caring educator that only wants the best for his students. Even more, Sarah Lancaster’s performance wasn’t bad…for a change, and Screech’s stupid subplot didn’t take up too much of the running time.
I was puzzled: how was this episode good when so many others have been so horrible? Turns out the writer on the episode was Leslie Eberhard, a veteran theatrical and television writer, whose credits included writing routines for veteran comic Betty Walker, a Broadway version of Jeckell and Hyde, and stints on 9 to 5, The Munsters Today, The John Larrorquette Show, and, perhaps most notably, Fraiser, for which he won a Humanitas Award. This guy was the real fucking deal!
This wasn’t the first episode of The New Class Eberhard wrote; unfortunately, he wrote four episodes for season two. I do attribute the fact, though, that they had a real fucking writer on this episode for its success. If only I had faith that this trend would continue into the future…
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 13:21:54 GMT
The New Class Season 3, Episode 5: “Air Screech”
We open at the mall…oh god, the mall again…where suddenly everyone has jobs! Rachel’s job is to annoy the shit out of everyone at the mall by offering them samples of some shitty perfume. Lindsay works for a video store…in a mall. Remember when those were in malls all over the place? Yeah, neither do I. I’m wondering if Carl Kulander has ever actually been in a mall based on this episode.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h52m17s214
R.J.’s practically begging Maria to help him get a job at the Japanese restaurant she’s working at but she’s all, “You’re incompetent and no one wants to hire you!” Ryan’s “too cool” to get a job because getting a job is for poor people. He asks Lindsay to lunch but Lindsay says that she can’t because she’s having lunch with Tommy D on his break.
And, ladies and gentlemen, prepare for the single most hilarious thing that’s ever been on The New Class. vlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h53m08s212
Tommy D in a chicken costume. Yes, someone has finally found a job for which Tommy D is completely qualified. Even then, Tommy D manages to fuck up royally since he’s supposed to be selling chicken but he gets tricked by a preteen boy into losing it all. Oh, Tommy D, you are, indeed, the stupidest character who’s ever appeared in this franchise. If only we could have had you in that chicken costume for every episode you appear in.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h53m43s49
Meanwhile, since every episode of The New Class has to feature a subplot involving Mr. Belding and/or Screech, our excuse this episode is that they’ve decided, once again, school administrators don’t make enough money and don’t need days off, Mr. Belding is managing his brother’s store, Sports Champs, on the weekend. Wait, Rod Belding owns a sports store?!?! He’s certainly come up in the world since “The Fabulous Belding Boys.” If he knew what was coming next, he would realize he’s actually become the more competent of the Belding brothers.
You see, since Mr. Belding has no memory regarding Screech’s incompetence, he’s chosen to hire Screech as the “weekend assistant manger,” because those things apparently exist. Screech immediately repays Mr. Belding’s amnesia by attempting to knock him out with a store mannequinThree Stooges style. Oh, the nonexistent hilarity.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h54m50s204
At Sports Champs, somehow Screech is in charge of hiring weekend help, and he quickly hires R.J. after R.J. does a bit of ass kissing. Rachel chases a woman into the store hoping to spray her with perfume. Mr. Belding tells her to get the fuck out but, instead, she goes on a shopping spree.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h55m32s113
R.J.’s first job is to spray paint a sign. For some reason, they do it right there in the middle of the store with Screech standing in front of it because no one on this show has an ounce of common sense when the writers are hoping someone will find something funny. The result is R.J. sprays Screech’s shoesvlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h56m30s177
Tommy D and Lindsay come to eat at the Japanese restaurant. Maria tells them they have to take off their shoes because it’s a Japanese tradition. No, it’s a Japanese tradition if someone is sitting in seiza position on the floor. It takes some credibility away from the scene when you just showed tables full of people wearing shoes and when even Maria is wearing shoes. But we’ve got to pretend we know something about Japanese culture so yeah. Rachel randomly comes in to brag about shopping and Tommy D gives Lindsay a watch.
Ryan comes in and is upset that Lindsay finds an idiot in a chicken costume more attractive than him so he decides he needs to find a way to give Lindsay a present. Naturally, this means trying to scam R.J. out of money. R.J.’s all, “Fuck off and get some from your rich brother!”
Mr. Belding tells Screech that he’s taking Little Zack to Disneyland tomorrow and he’s leaving Screech in charge of the store since he doesn’t really care if the store burns to the ground. Also, Screech thought R.J. could magically clean paint off shoes because, despite working for a high school, Screech doesn’t understand basic chemistry.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-17h59m12s0
Rachel comes in and admires Screech’s shoes. Somehow, she must be a connoisseur of shoes because this immediately makes two customers want to buy them because crappy looking spray painted shoes are in style this year. Ryan steps in and says this is just a floor model and they’re getting a new shipment tomorrow.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h00m31s27
This means that Ryan and Screech bring a bunch of shoes to Screech’s apartment and recruit R.J., Maria, and Rachel to spray paint them as crappy as the original. Screech asks if they should have stolen a bunch of shoes from the mall and Ryan is all, “Of course not, but it advances the plot so who the hell cares!” Screech still has misgivings but he’s enough of a lemming that Ryan is able to convince him Mr. Belding would be proud that Screech’s name is on a shoe.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h08m39s42
The result is the “Air Screech,” which makes no fucking sense. It’s obvious they’re ripping off Air Jordans, but need I remind these idiots that Air Jordans are named after a guy who…actually was good at basketball? Every time we’ve seen Screech in an athletic competition, he’s been incompetent at best and just embarrassing at worst. Who would want to buy a crappy spray painted shoe with his name on them? Also, why is the mall just randomly letting a teenager a a walking moron set up a display in the mall?vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h09m15s141
The presentation comes with a badly green screened commercial showing that Air Screechs are so awesome they can tread any environment.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h11m11s38
We even get to see Screech partially shirtless as a guru. Why does this franchise insist on subjecting me to partially naked pictures of Dustin Diamond?!?!?!vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h12m04s46
Naturally, the shoppers of this mall are lemmings and buy tons of shoes, making lots of money for the five at $150 a pop. Lindsay walks by and Ryan invites her to lunch. She has another date with Tommy D so Ryan decides it’s time for a lame plan only Tommy D would fall for.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h13m15s249
Basically, Ryan gets R.J. to cry a lot and say he missed out on getting a $1,000 prize from a secret shopper because he took a break. This makes Tommy D decide to work instead of going on a date with Lindsay. Yeah, should it surprise anyone at this point that this plan would fool Tommy D?
Ryan goes on his date with Lindsay where he gives her a bracelet. He invites her to dinner the next night and Ryan’s ecstatic that he finally beat chicken man.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h14m37s40
Mr. Belding walks in as Screech, Ryan, and R.J. are trying to sell a pair of Air Screeches to someone. He’s all, “You idiots are doing something illegal and need to stop now.” Mr. Belding tells them to stop selling these crappy painted over shoes but Ryan has other plans.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h15m58s88
This means he puts his super engineering skills to work and turns a pretzel cart into a point of sale display for Air Screeches. This allows them to close up the cart when Mr. Belding comes by. Naturally, everyone wants a crappy product because they want their salaries as extras.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h17m18s107
Does it surprise you at all that Tommy D bought a pair of the shoes? It shouldn’t given his propensity to idiocy. He comes into the store looking for some socks to go with his shoes and tells Mr. Belding and Screech he just bought the shoes from Ryan and R.J. on the other side of the mall. Also, Tommy D chases an old woman out of the store and she runs in terror since there’s an idiot in a chicken costume chasing her. vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h18m05s46
Mr. Belding decides to teach Ryan and R.J. a lesson. Screech calls R.J. out of the stock room even though we just established seconds earlier he was still on the other side of the mall selling shoes. This explains everything. R.J. is really the Great Gazoo! Mr. Belding tells R.J. it’s a good thing they stopped selling those shoes because a representative from the shoe company is coming to the mall in a couple hours and, if they hadn’t stopped selling the shoe, they could have been sued or go to jail since Saved by the Bell doesn’t understand the difference between civil and criminal law.
R.J. runs to tell Ryan and they rush to think of a plan to get rid of all the shoes in the mall. This involves buying everyone who has Air Screeches a free lunch at Maria’s Japanese restaurant so that everyone has to take their shoes off since that made so much sense before and since everyone with Air Screeches just happens to both like Japanese food and be hungry at the same time. Yeah, that makes about as much sense as Sarah Palin’s explanation why she has foreign policy experience. vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h20m28s203
Screech and Mr. Belding come in with a stranger whom Ryan and R.J. assume to be the representative from the shoe company. Ryan and R.J. apologize profusely over the incident but it turns out that the man is Mr. Belding’s brother-in-law, Jeffrey, who owns the store. WHAT! No Rod! This is the biggest rip off since Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cookies! I want some Rod Belding! He said brother, not brother-in-law! STUPID SHOW AND YOUR INCONSISTENT WRITING!
Anyway, Ryan and R.J. have to refund all the customers who bought Air Screeches their money and work off the shoes they ruined.vlcsnap-2015-01-26-18h21m56s81This means Ryan takes over Tommy D’s job in the chicken costume while Tommy D takes Lindsay on a date because that’s totally how jobs work. You can just hand it over to anyone else anytime you want to do something else. Our episode ends with the kid who tricked Tommy D earlier trying to trick Ryan, and Ryan tricks the kid into paying him $10 an hour both for the chicken and to wear the costume because stealing money from children is funny!
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 13:22:22 GMT
The New Class Season 3, Episode 6: “Big Screech on Campus”
Remember how a few weeks ago I praised Leslie Eberhard’s writing for “What’s the Problem?” and called it the only episode of The New Class I actually like? Well, this episode is here to remind us that not even a good writer can always save an episode of this show because he’s the writer of this stupid episode.
We’re at Cal U this week, and I want to point out how horribly dated the stock footage used for the exterior is. I mean, check this out.vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h36m47s46 vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h36m55s108 First of all, this footage is so blantantly a different quality from the footage used for the rest of the episode. It’s obvious they weren’t shot by the same person at the same time. Second, keep in mind this season takes place in 1995. Everyone’s hair and clothes in this stock clip looks like they’re from the ’70s! They couldn’t even find something from the right decade to represent Cal U!vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h37m46s131Well, with even the first few seconds painfully oblivious to the rest of its conext, let’s check out the episode proper. We open inside Cal U, I assume at the restaurant Slater used to work at, where Rachel and Maria are determined to find an older man to fuck them or die trying. Mr. Belding, Tommy D, and R.J. soon join them, with Mr. Belding lecturing them that there will be no statutory rape on this trip so they best be putting on their nun habits so they can get to doing what they came there for, whatever the hell that is.
Really, what are they randomly doing at a college in a city 380 miles away from Bayside? It’s never really explained in the episode other than they’re there to sit in on random classes. I know, it’s a lame excuse to have more out of the classroom episodes since those worked so well last season, but it’s still pretty inexplicable.
Speaking of inexplicable, Mr. Belding realizes Lindsay and Ryan aren’t with them… vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h38m57s58
Uh, last episode Tommy D and Ryan were still in a rivalry for Lindsay. When did she suddenly become close enough to Ryan that they’re practicing CPR on each other in the middle of a college? Oh, god…it’s an out of order episode, isn’t it? Oh, sweet Jesus, please tell me the chronology of this season won’t be as fucked up as the last season! I can only imagine, though, that people were thoroughly confused by this in 1995 and wondering why Lindsay was suddenly such a whore.vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h39m29s142 There’s no time for that, though, because Screech comes in and is practically orgasming over being back at Cal U after being there for a season in an unsuccessful spin-off. There’s no attempt to explain his status at Cal U. I mean, he should be in his junior year of college but he’s been at Bayside instead for the last two seasons.
Screech wants to take the gang to his old fraternity house, Sigma Alpha. So this actually did happen on The College Years. I don’t normally watch episodes before I review them but, I figured that I should be aware of what happened before I reviewed this episode. You see, in the episode “Rush Week,” Zack Morris and Slater wanted to join Sigma Alpha. Screech kept tagging along and fucking things up for them by making balloon animals at frat parties…yeah no joke. Leslie, whom we’ll meet later this year, made them feel guilty for ditching Screech to join a fraternity, so, when Sigma Alpha wanted Zack Morris and Slater as pledges but not Screech because Screech is fucking stupid, they refused to join. Well, in a case of plot contrivance, Sigma Alpha decided they wanted Screech after all at the end of the episode and he joined the fraternity without Zack Morris and Slater.
Ironically, the real Sigma Alpha is an agricultural sorority, which helps to explain why Zack Morris and Slater wanted to join so badly. They wanted some hot farm girls.
Enough back story! Now on to more important things!vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h41m06s69
Like Rachel and Maria picking up guys. Yeah, Maria dumps the group to go after hot guys who are too old for her, while Rachel meets Michael Bradford in the psychology class they’re shadowing. Michael happens to be one of Screech’s old frat brothers, and Screech is disturbed to find that, not only is Michael picking up Rachel instead of him, but Michael seems to have blocked Screech out completely. We should all be so lucky.vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h41m54s48
The class professor comes in and says that they will be studying hypnosis today. I could be wrong but is hypnosis really a topic of study for a college psychology class? Whatever the case, Tommy D, Lindsay, and Ryan volunteer to be hypnotized and the professor basically does a stage hypnotist show by making the three first feel cold, then sad, and finally as if they’re on a roller coaster. He brings Ryan and Lindsay out of their trance but tells them that, when he snaps his fingers, they will fall in love with the first person they see. vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h42m51s110
For Lindsay, that’s R.J.vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h42m57s182
While Ryan falls for Rachel. Yeah, knowing what happens next year, I can’t help but wonder if there were lingering side effects to the hypnosis. He snaps his fingers again and they go back to normal. He then remembers that Tommy D is still on stage, though it’s easy to see why he forgot considering one could easily mistake Tommy D for a support beam. The professor snaps Tommy D out of his trance with no further instructions.
The professor dismisses the class and Michael decides to hit on Rachel some more while Screech tries to take the gang to the frat house. Mr. Belding gets excited and snaps his fingers, making Tommy D fall in love with him, but snaps them again, bringing him back to normal. Jesus Christ, The New Class writers, did you forget that the professor gave no further instructions to Tommy D? Yeah, and it’s going to pop up again and again the rest of the episode.
At the Sigma Alpha house, no one gives a damn about Screech. No one remembers Screech except one guy who swears Screech begged them to pledge him. Uh, no. Nothing remotely like that happened. I just watched the episode!
Ryan tries to comfort Screech as Michael comes in bragging about banging some hot blonde underage girl.vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h50m01s65
He sees Maria playing pool and decides it’s time to hit on her so he can be a creep twice in one day. Meanwhile, Lindsay suggests Screech show them all his old room. Well, then you’ll need to leave the frat house and go to the dorm because SCREECH NEVER FUCKING LIVED IN THE FRAT HOUSE! He lived in the dorms with Zack Morris and Slater with the girls next door! That was the whole setup of The College Years! God, I hate this show.
Speaking of dorms, it seems the gang is staying in the old The College Years dorm set because we cut to the common room where Rachel and Maria both brag about fucking a guy named Michael. They assume Michael is a common name at Cal U and go about their business.
Meanwhile, Screech is still sulking that, in the absence of Zack Morris, Slater, and Kelly, no one at Cal U gives a shit about him. Screech says the fraternity was the biggest part of his time there. Uh, nineteen episodes of The College Years begs to differ. He sulks off to a room and Ryan decides it’s time to make Screech the most popular guy on campus. vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h51m56s189
Ryan’s plan is for R.J. to pretend to be some fuckable, likeable jock who’s considering going to Cal U. A couple Sigma Alpha boys invite R.J. to a party that night in the hopes that someone of his stature will grace their presence, and he agrees only if his hero, Screech, will be there. The Sigma Alpha guys, being completely gullible idiots, fall completely for his plan. vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h52m59s50
Meanwhile, someone snaps their fingers and Tommy D falls in love with the waitress. Another quick snap from a customer makes Tommy D realize how unattractive people in service industry jobs are, and he comes to his senses and runs away.vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h55m49s221
Later, Screech shows up to the frat party, and everyone is all about him because they think he inspired a jock. Um…I’m finding this slightly less believable at this point than the time a government agent mistook him for an alien.
Michael whispers bullshit to Maria about not being able to look at any other girl and hoping she’ll come to Cal U in two years when she’s legal and he’s graduated. He goes to get punch and Rachel walks in to hang out before her date with Michael. vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h56m46s4
Tommy D’s randomly arm wrestling one of the Sigma Alpha guys. Lindsay snaps her finger and Tommy D falls in love with the guy. Uh, this running gag wasn’t funny to begin with and now we’re running it into the ground by turning it into gay panic humor. vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h57m53s166
Rachel and Maria soon figure out that they’re both dating the same Michael. It shouldn’t surprise me that Rachel couldn’t figure this out sooner given how slow she was last season to realize Brian was helping her cheat. They have a mild disagreement over Michael and then…vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h58m31s41
Screech dances in with a lamp shade on his head. God, this episode is just painfully bad.vlcsnap-2015-02-02-16h59m03s94
Later, they all arrive back at the dorm, and Screech tells Mr. Belding that he realizes how much the frat needs him so he’s decided to quit his job at Bayside and go back to college.
Later, Mr. Belding bemoans the fact that Screech finally decided to finish his education. Ryan comes clean with Mr. Belding about why Screech is suddenly so popular. Mr. Belding tells them they need to tell him the truth so he won’t leave The New Class…
NO! LET HIM GO! Seriously, there’s already been a good episode this season! If Screech leaves, this show may stand a chance in hell of becoming a good show! Let him leave and never return!
No, they couldn’t do something sensible like that so Ryan, Lindsay, Tommy D, and R.J. go off to find Screech and tell him the truth. Just as they leave, Screech walks in with the two Sigma Alpha guys who want him to put in a good word with R.J. They soon have a brain cell go into action and realize that they’ve been tricked because they’re complete morons, so they vow to get revenge on Screech and the gang. They invite Screech and the gang to yet another frat party so they can make Screech president of the frat. vlcsnap-2015-02-02-17h02m17s2
Meanwhile, Rachel and Maria end their mild disagreement by deciding that Michael’s just a misogynistically written character and they make up over the fight that never really happened in the episode.
Screech runs in and tells the gang the news about being elected president before Ryan can tell him the truth, and they all decide to go to the party that night. vlcsnap-2015-02-02-17h03m09s247
They arrive at this meeting of the worst caricature in the history of this show. Seriously, this guy looks like he’s dressed as a person from that secret society in that one episode of The Simpsons. The frat gets out slime to dump on the seven of them, and they kindly wait until Ryan can explain the plot of the episode to him before they go after the gang. Screech decides that, since he has poor boundaries and no friends his own age, the gang are his friends.vlcsnap-2015-02-02-17h04m16s147
The frat brothers start to go after the gang but one of them snaps their fingers and Tommy D falls in love with him. Disturbed that the dumbest member of the gang wants gay butt sex with him, he accidentally dumps slime on another frat brother. This starts a chain reaction where they all start sliming each other. vlcsnap-2015-02-02-17h05m03s114Maria and Rachel decide to say goodbye to Michael in a fitting way and dump his slime all over him. Boy, they showed him. He’ll never be able to get that slime out of his shirt!
Screech thanks the gang for what they did for him and the episode closes with the gang running away before the frat brothers can find more slime to dump on them.
Thrilling episode. Just so exciting I tell you. I have one question: we know from “Goodbye Bayside, Part 2″ that Zack Morris and Kelly are still in San Francisco. Why would they do a dumb ass episode like this rather than take advantage of the opportunity to have one or both of them make a cameo that actually makes sense? Oh, well. It’s The New Class. I should be glad they didn’t have the gang do a very special episode on the evils of fraternities.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 13:22:53 GMT
The New Class Season 3, Episode 7: “Maria’s Movie Star”
We open at the mall, where Lindsay, Maria, and R.J. are bummed that the writers remembered they have jobs, while Rachel looks for another job since no one liked her perfume that smelled like ass. Ryan really doesn’t understand how jobs work because he keeps trying to get Lindsay to ditch hers to go to the beach with him since it’s a three-day weekend. Yeah, that’s one way to lose your job fast!
vlcsnap-2015-02-09-17h58m53s160Tommy D has a new job as well, as the maintenance person for the mall. It’s kind of sad because that means Tommy D wasn’t even cut out to wear a chicken costume for a living. Maria gushes over the movie poster Tommy D is washing because Justin Wells is apparently the hottest actor in the Saved by the Bell universe now that Johnny Dakota’s career has gone down in shame. The gang think that if they were only Johnny Dakota, they wouldn’t have to work on three day weekends and could do whatever they wanted. Maybe it’s not just Ryan. Maybe it’s the entire gang who don’t understand how jobs work since they don’t seem to grasp that being an actor is a tough job. Of course, these characters are played by actors who look like they couldn’t even do a convincing performance as a Teletubby.
vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h00m10s168
Our B-plot this week is that the sports store is having a contest: whoever guesses closest to how many jelly beans are in this container wins a mountain bike. Naturally, Mr. Belding picked the most incompetent person possible to handle the jelly beans and it results in him randomly deciding to eat some of the candy and talking like the Hamburglar since the writers seem to think that eating jelly beans makes you talk like Ronald McDonald’s arch-nemesis. Mr. Belding naturally gets pissed off and makes Screech recount them all, while Screech, as usual, seems to have no concept of what he did wrong. Also, Mr. Belding randomly obsesses over the possibility someone may steal the mountain bike because it’s a lot easier to steal than the other, smaller merchandise that the store carries.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h01m33s229
At the Japanese restaurant, Maria recognizes one of her customers as being Justin Wells himself. She freaks out and starts talking really loudly, which he politely asks her not to do. Justin says he’s in disguise so he can spend a day without anyone recognizing who he is, and see his new movie with a real audience rather than yes-men who will tell him what he wants to hear, like whoever keeps telling Peter Engel that The New Class is a good show. He asks her not to tell his secret,
Justin asks Maria not to tell the rest of the gang about him. Ryan, Lindsay, and Rachel choose just that moment to come in, and Maria introduces Justin as “Tim Pura.” Wow, that’s almost as clever as how Robin Williams gets the name Mrs. Doubtfire. The difference is Mrs. Doubtfire is a funny movie. This is fucking stupid.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h03m13s203
Back at the sports show, Screech proves he’s even incompetent at counting. There’s a “gag,” and I use that in the loosest meaning of the word, where R.J. serves a customer in the background while Screech is counting, and every time he says a number to the customer, Screech forgets his place and starts counting with the number R.J. said. I get that it’s supposed to be funny, but it really just makes Screech look like he should have never passed first grade.
On the phone, Mr. Belding finds out that there’s been several robberies in the mall so Mr. Belding asks a security guard to come lock the bike away. Uh, if someone robs you, they’re probably going to want more than just your stupid bike, Mr. Belding. Most robbers prefer money. Mr. Belding leaves to run an errand, unfortunately once again trusting his store to a man who’s less intelligent than the jelly beans he’s counting.
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R.J.’s customer tries on roller blades but quickly spirals out of controls, knocking the jelly beans out of Screech’s hand. Since, for whatever reason, the container Screech used was a glass one, it shatters and spreads jelly beans all over the place. Screech, apparently oblivious to the safety of an out of control roller blader in the mall, goes to find a new container and leaves R.J. in charge. R.J. chases after the customer to make sure she doesn’t like die or anything, leaving the store empty of employees.
vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h07m14s52
Meanwhile, Ryan continues pressuring Lindsay to blow off work and go to the beach. Since nobody on this show understand how jobs work, they decide that Rachel can just randomly cover for Lindsay without being hired or anything.
Maria feels dirty that she didn’t tell the gang the truth about Justin because people have an inherent right to know when a celebrity is around and she tells them everything, including every bowel movement she has, but Justin thanks her for covering for him. He says he just wants to be like them this weekend, which means a man in his mid-twenties gets to hang out with six high school students. Yeah, sounds like the usual route this franchise takes. Maria suggests Justin take a job as a busboy at the Japanese restaurant since this episode just can’t understand Business 101.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h13m52s189
R.J.’s customer gets away from him, which must mean that she shoplifted the roller blades she was wearing. See, what did I tell you! With Screech and R.J. working at the shop, the bike should be the least of their worries. Screech managed not only to secure a new jar, but also to refill it with jelly beans, all without having to reenter the store…where the jellybeans should be scattered across the god damned floor! Along with basic business, this show doesn’t understand basic continuity. They enter the store and find the bicycle missing.
Naturally Screech doesn’t want Mr. Belding to find out how incompetent he is so Screech decides to go make some fast money to replace the bicycle. Uh, so is Screech going to prostitute himself or sell drugs, because those are really the only way to make money fast enough to replace the bike without Mr. Belding finding out. God, please let it be selling drugs because I really don’t want a very special episode about Screech’s life as a sex worker.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h14m40s162
With R.J. in charge of keeping Mr. Belding’s attention away from the missing bicycle, R.J. does the logical thing and locks Mr. Belding in the storage room. Wow…I don’t know whether to be impressed or scared that R.J. did what Zack Morris never could: disposing of Mr. Belding.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h15m24s91
At the Japanese restaurant, Justin apparently makes a good bus boy and decides that, since he’s acting like one of the gang, he wants to go out with them. Thus, a man in his mid-twenties asks Maria, a high school student, out on a date to see his new movie, and quickly flirts with Maria so the audience can lose their shit.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h15m53s125
Now this man has the best character name in the history of forever. This man is credited in the closing credits as “Mr. Owner.” Yes, no joke. This man’s name is Mr. Owner. Yes, The New Class is now getting their character names from the world of “too literal names” that PBS cartoons inhabit. He probably hangs out with Mr. Conductor and Barney the Dinosaur.
Anyway, Mr. Owner’s sole role is to introduce the new chef at the restaurant. My friends, I cannot believe what I have to critique. This is beyond fucking ridiculous. vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h16m11s38
This is what happens when casual racism and not understanding the basics of business come together in one cluster fuck of idiocy. Yes, Screech’s idea to get quick money is to get another job. This is now officially the stupidest subplot in the history of this franchise. Getting another job means Screech has to wait a week to two weeks to receive his money on a paycheck! Is R.J. really going to keep Mr. Belding locked in a storage room that long? That’s actually kind of dark!
Also, being a chef at a Japanese restaurant, especially one selling sushi, means being very talented and practiced in the industry. It’s kind of insulting that Screech could come in off the street and become the new chef. Of course, it doesn’t surprise me that the writers of this show don’t understand Japanese food. It’s the latest in a long stream of things they don’t understand. vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h16m49s172
Meanwhile, at the video store…
Wait a second, what the fuck? Lindsay works at a video store. Why the fuck are they selling Jazzmatazz, a real series of hip hop and jazz recordings from the mid-90s? Do…do the writers of this show not understand the difference between a video and a CD? Are they all completely brain dead?
I haven’t been able to say this nearly as much this season, so here goes: OH MY FUCKING GOD I HATE THIS SHOW!
Ah, that feels cathartic!
Anyway, the video store’s owner, Mr. Moody, fires Lindsay for leaving the store unintended. Turns out Rachel decided to go shopping rather than watch the store, which is why real businesses don’t allow their employees to just randomly hire replacements for themselves. Meanwhile, Screech comes in and gets another part time job at the video store. Do the writers for this show think that stores pay employees out of the cash register at the end of the day?vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h18m05s155
At the movie theater, Maria’s super excited to be on a date with another guy way too old for her, and she has to cover her lady boner with that pop corn. vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h19m16s89
Ryan, Lindsay, and Rachel commiserate over how huge of dumb asses they are, and Tommy D, the ultimate dumb ass of the group, joins them. Screech comes in and shines a flashlight randomly in lots of people’s faces since he’s gained yet another job, and tries to hawk videos and “sushi popcorn,” because, if Lindsay got fired for leaving the video store unattended, it makes complete sense that Screech could be three places at once. vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h20m12s151
Screech finally returns to the sports store and finds out about R.J. locking Mr. Belding in the storage room. Screech puts the lotion in the bucket and then Mr. Belding puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Screech lets Mr. Belding out of the room and, as you can see, he’s quite terrified of the monster he’s discovered in the store.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h20m43s210
After the movie, Maria and Justin talk really loudly in the middle of the mall about their date and who Justin really is, since the best way to keep people from knowing who you are if you’re a celebrity is to stand in the middle of a mall and declare your identity for all the world to hear. Justin kisses Maria, causing the audience to lose its shit again, and, as they walk away, we see Ryan was standing nearby and heard the entire thing.
After a commercial break, Ryan, Lindsay, and Rachel return to the video store where Ryan tells the girls that “Tim Pura” is not who they think he is. Of course, Ryan wants to use Justin’s identity to get Lindsay her job back because he’s a piece of shit. He convinces Mr. Moody that, if they can get a celebrity to visit the video store, he’ll rehire Lindsay, because leaving a store unattended is totally forgivable if you know famous people.
Screech has had thirteen jobs since yesterday, all of which apparently pay him under the table in cash. Uh, the IRS is going to come in and shut down this entire mall at this rate! Yet, he doesn’t have enough money to buy another bike because…plot? I don’t know! None of this shit makes any sense. It’s like it was written by a guy who wrote some of the worst episodes of the original Saved by the Bell, like “Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind,” “Running Zack,” “Breaking Up is Hard to Undo,” “The Last Dance,” and “The Surgery.” Oh, wait, it seems like that because it was! Oh, Jeffrey J. Sachs, you give me no faith in your ability to craft a coherent story!
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Screech sees a security guard with the bicycle and naturally assumes that the guard stole the bike, because that makes complete sense. Screech and R.J. try to assault the guard and finally has to tell the truth about his incompetence. Mr. Belding says that Screech should have told the truth since it’s kind of hard to go lower than complete idiocy in his book and this subplot finally ends.
At the Japanese restaurant, Ryan, Lindsay, and Rachel come in and invite Maria and Justin to a party at the video store. Maria tells Justin she’ll meet him at the party after she changes because, unlike video stores, Japanese restaurants can easily be left unattended.
Outside the video store, Maria finds Tommy D painting a sign that says, “Welcome Justin.” Tommy D, being almost as big an idiot as Screech, doesn’t know whether “Wells” has two or three l’s, so he asks Maria. Maria threatens to kick the shit out of Tommy D if he doesn’t tell her what’s going on, and Tommy D tells her that he was asked to paint a sign welcoming Justin as the video store’s celebrity guest. Maria decides there’s only one person assholish enough to do something like this, and goes to find and kill Ryan, sign in hand.vlcsnap-2015-02-09-18h25m54s243Maria confront Ryan and tells him how much of a selfish prick he is for only thinking about himself and how he’s hit a new low for this show. Ryan, Lindsay, and Rachel quickly see the light of reason and decide they have to stop this before it happens. Justin chooses that moment to get off the elevator, while Screech and R.J. talk about how Mr. Moody one the jelly bean contest. Ryan points at Screech and R.J. and says that they’re the mystery guest, Bob Saget from America’s Funniest Home Videos, and all the shoppers in front of the video store run to mob Bob Saget. One, uh, no. The shoppers of this mall have to be complete morons when they chase after Screech and R.J. beleiving them to be Bob Saget. Two, Full House was at the height of its popularity around this time. Where they afraid that, if they mentions Bob Saget as being from Full House, people would realize that, while Full House sucks ass, it’s a hundred times better show than The New Class?
Anyway, Justin tells Maria he has to go to New York for an acting gig and they part with a sad goodbye. Justin promises that, if the writers of this show remember he exists, he’ll come back and visit. They kiss, Justin leaves, and the gang comfort her while Maria exposits the moral of the episode: that movie stars have tough lives. Nice moral message there, guys. And our episode ends with Tommy D running in to show off that he got Bob Saget’s autograph because the pain fumes he sniffs are fast eating away at whatever little mind he has left.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 13:25:03 GMT
The New Class Season 3, Episode 8: “Acting Jealous”
What the hell, The New Class! Did Ryan and Lindsay just suddenly start dating in between episodes? I mean, it’s bad enough that wouldn’t surprise me, but what the hell? Did they really think we wouldn’t be confused about these episodes being out of order?
Anyway, yeah, they’ve been dating…a month. A fucking month. They’re being all cootsie wootsie about the whole think and making me want to throw up a little bit because they can’t stand to be apart for a second. This is to give the audience the best chance to lose their shit over this mushy stuff as possible.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h40m53s8
So let’s cut to Rachel and Maria in order to put things in perspective! Maria thinks they’re being fucking stupid but Rachel thinks it’s romantic and wishes she had a boyfriend like that instead of a fake Swiss guy who up and abandoned her in between seasons.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h41m14s242
Meanwhile, Screech wrote a play and Mr. Belding doesn’t think it sucks as so the logical thing to do is to just randomly put it on as a production at Bayside. Mr. Belding thinks it’s witty and shit. Yeah, we’ll see about that.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h41m49s70
So it’s time to skip directly to try outs, where R.J. does a musical number. Unfortunately, he’s an idiot and the play isn’t a musical.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h42m32s253
Next Maria gets fucking pissed because two nerds start talking during her audition. She tells them they better shut the fuck up before she sticks her foot up their ass.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h43m00s14
Tommy D’s real proud of himself for being able to move a chair and radio. Turns out he just wants to be the prop guy. Why is it the longer this season goes on, the more of a throwaway character Tommy D’s becoming? He’s not just an idiot anymore. His presence serves absolutely no purpose. vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h43m22s240 Rachel gives a performance that actually shows up Sarah Lancaster’s usual acting. It’s pretty bad when an actress playing a character playing an actress is more convincing than the actress herself.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h44m04s142
Ryan and Lindsay give their performance next, and Lindsay sucks ass, which should surprise no one who’s watched this show the last three seasons.
So the auditions are for Cinderella, which we only find out while the auditions are going on. I may be crazy, but I don’t think Screech wrote Cinderella. It’s just a hunch I have.
Mr. Belding and Screech announce the cast. Maria will be playing the Wicked Stepmother, which she’s super excited about since that means she gets to be a bitch with an excuse. R.J. sucks so he’ll be playing three random roles without any lines. Ryan, of course, will be playing the handsome young prince because the alternative would be either Tommy D or paying for a guest star. And Lindsay will be playing, you guessed it, Griselda, the wicked step-sister!
Wait, that was a rather assholish way to announce Lindsay’s role. You know Lindsay wants the role of Cinderella so she can kiss Ryan in front of lots of people, so you announce her role in the logical place where Cinderella should be announced just to give her hopes up? Mr. Belding, you’re an asshole.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h45m20s133
Needless to say, Lindsay isn’t thrilled, or at least as non-thrilled as Natalia Cigliuti can act, and is even less excited that Rachel will be playing Cinderella.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h46m02s43
It’s time to practice and R.J. decides to ad lib lines because he doesn’t want to be less popular than Tommy D. Also, the word “zoiks” is in the play, which must mean that Ryan is actually playing Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Lindsay gets jealous as hell when Ryan wants to meet Lindsay at the restaurant for their anniversary dinner so he can rehearse scenes with Rachel. This is followed by a scene at the restaurant where Lindsay’s waiting alone just to convince us that Lindsay should feel jealous or neglected or some shit over their one month anniversary.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h49m33s103
At The Max, Lindsay’s still jealous because Ryan was a half hour late to their date and Maria’s all, “You’re a fucking psycho bitch!” Ryan comes in and acts nice, which makes Lindsay assume that he’s being nice because he’s feeling guilty, and she leaves The Max so other people can have a turn at jumping to conclusions.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h50m25s109
Maria sees Ryan hand a necklace to Rachel, which must mean that they’re fucking like jackrabbits. She runs out and we hear Ryan tell Rachel that he’s bought the necklace for Lindsay as an opening night gift for not being a psycho bitch about Rachel and him. Boy, hope he kept the receipt!
Back at Bayside, Maria tells Lindsay about the necklace and they both start acting like stupid spoiled bitches. vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h51m55s241
There’s some more rehearsing and Screech is an idiot so he mistakes projecting for screaming. Yes, our subplot is going to be creative differences between Screech and Mr. Belding over the direction of the play. How surprising!vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h52m46s231
R.J. sucks Screech’s cock so that he’ll give him some more lines. Ryan and Rachel decide to go in a classroom and practice for their kissing scene since Rachel’s suddenly inherited Jessie’s height complex. Wouldn’t you know it: at that moment, Lindsay and Maria walk around the corner and go in the classroom and… vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h53m53s142
Yeah, this looks so romantic. It’s like Ryan’s pushed Rachel down to force a kiss on her. Lindsay’s fucking pissed off. Oh, if only she knew what happens next season as soon as she’s out of the picture!vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h54m37s69
Tensions at the play are high, with R.J. giving his new ridiculous lines courtesy of Screech. Screech thinks he could do a better job as a director than Mr. Belding so Mr. Belding is all, “I don’t want to be a part of this show anyway!”vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h55m47s8
Meanwhile, Lindsay’s passive aggression turns into full blown aggression as, yes, Lindsay puts a real mouse down Rachel’s shirt.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h56m14s20 And slams a pumpkin on Ryan’s head.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h56m30s164
Screech takes the gang in Mr. Belding’s office…what are Tommy D and R.J. doing there? They aren’t a part of the fighting. Isn’t there something about confidentiality somewhere! Lindsay, Rachel, Ryan, and Maria all quit because they have to see this stupid shit through. Mr. Belding is all, “You didn’t need my help so you take care of it!” and Screech promises an extra blowjob to Mr. Belding if he’ll fix this stupid shit for him. Mr. Belding tells them to suck it up and think of the “hundreds” of people who bought tickets and they all agree to put on the performance.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h58m25s37
At the play, there’s still plenty of idiotic aggression.vlcsnap-2015-02-14-09h59m25s142
Offstage, Rachel tells Lindsay about the kissing and the necklace and that, in ten seconds, is enough to solve this plot contrivance. Ryan’s not quite ready to forgive her, though, so Rachel devises a way to get them back together.
What follows is very painful to watch, one of the more painful scenes of this show I’ve had to endure. Rachel declares the shoe doesn’t really fit her foot and, instead, fits Lindsay. This performance of Cinderella ends with Prince Charming falling in love with the wicked step-sister and with the step-sister giving an apology to the audience for being a bitch in the scenes of this episode they didn’t see. Yeah, so much for thinking about the show and the people who bought tickets. This shit is so narcissistic it gives narcissists a bad name. vlcsnap-2015-02-14-10h02m10s255Lindsay and Ryan kiss and make-up and our episode ends with the three of them doing a curtain call as I continue wondering if we’ll ever see the two of them actually get together.
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