|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Feb 28, 2015 23:35:12 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 2, Episode 16: “From Nurse to Worse”
We open with a rare exterior shot of Kelly’s front door, which would look a lot more convincing if it weren’t painfully obvious it was shot on an indoor set. But if that’s this episode’s biggest problem, then we’re in for another good episode.
Zack Morris and Kelly are getting back from their romantic date seeing Ernest Goes to Jail and Zack Morris decides to ask Kelly to go steady with him. Kelly tells him she needs time to think about it and, all the while, they’re being heckled off-camera by yet another of Kelly’s siblings, Kyle, who’s being voiced by a grown man. I bring up this point only because it’s both impressive and scary how convincing this man is as a prepubescent child. vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h09m57s21At Bayside, it’s school physical time as exemplified by Screech, who’s “cramming” for his physical. Yeah, this is going to be a running gag throughout the episode and it never really gets funny. Oh and Slater doesn’t want to get his school physical. I hope this doesn’t play into the plot!
Zack Morris comes in and tells the gang that he asked Kelly to go steady with him and they run off to spread the gossip through the school. vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h11m23s115
After they’re gone, Zack Morris gets his books out of his locker when he’s approached by Jennifer, who’s played by that one woman who played David Hasselhoff’s boss/girlfriend for a season on Baywatch. If you watched Baywatch, you probably don’t remember her simply because you probably weren’t looking at her face very much during the show. The fact that she went on to “act” on Baywatch tells a lot about her acting on this show.
Jennifer is new to Bayside and looking for the nurse’s office. Zack Morris suddenly goes mute and uses really bad gestures to direct her there, all the while seeing her in sparkle vision. Jennifer says Zack Morris is cute and he automatically takes that as a sign she wants to fuck him.vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h12m18s157
Welcome back, Miss Simpson! Okay, between Miss Simpson and Mr. Dewey, I have to admit that I’m beginning to warm up to some of the regular Bayside faculty. Once again, the running gag is that Miss Simpson is deaf as shit, which is especially relevant given that the class assignment last night was to write a poem.
First up to read his poem is Screech:
“When Morning Comes”
When morning comes, I raise my head,
Shut off the alarm and get out of bed,
I brush my teeth like mother said,
and I always feed my spider, Ted.
Deep stuff, man. He should publish this shit. At least we know now where he developed the song-writing abilities he demonstrates on The New Class.
Lisa is next:
“Ode to the Mall”
So many stores all in one place,
It brings a big smile to my face,
I love to hop from shop to shop,
and buy and buy until I drop.
I think Lisa has a future in writing cheesy advertising jingles.
Lisa is kind enough to pause in the middle of her poem as the camera goes to Kelly and she tells Zack Morris to talk to her after class because she has an answer for him.
vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h14m01s153
Mr. Belding tells the students on the intercom that they’re going to get their annual physicals and flu shots from Nurse Butcher, the school nurse, this week. Yeah, school nurses don’t give flu shots. Doctors and clinics do. Even if they did, there is no requirement in California for students to be vaccinated against the flu, which means that Bayside is forcing students to get a shot they don’t have to have. What’s worse, we find out Slater is scared of getting a flu shot, and this knowledge renders this subplot completely pointless since it shouldn’t actually be happening.
Kelly is next to give her poem.
“That Special Someone”
Those eyes so warm, that smile so bright,
I think about him day and night.
The cutest guy I’ll ever see,
And lucky, lucky, lucky me.
Did Miss Simpson not go over any of the mechanics of writing poetry with her class? Seriously, you can’t just rhyme some words and call it poetry.
Zack Morris is a complete scumbag during Kelly’s reading and has a fantasy sequence that she’s actually sparkly Jennifer. Yeah, I want to punch him in the balls right now for the inevitable plot that’s unfolding. I mean, we found out in season one that Zack Morris had been pining over Kelly for years. She finally dates him this season, and now a brief interaction with a woman he knows nothing about except her name is making him reconsider his entire relationship with Kelly. Fuck him. Fuck him in the ass with a baseball bat.
vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h15m34s72
But there’s no time to dwell on this as Zack Morris, Jessie, and an extra are called to the nurse’s office for their physicals. We get our second subplot of the episode after Jessie fails her eye test and Nurse Butcher tells her that she needs glasses. Caffeine pills have ruined Jessie’s eye sight and now she’s near sighted. She automatically reacts in disgust to this as we all know that only nerds and geeks wear glasses in the Saved by the Bell universe so Jessie will finally be forced to accept her clique affiliation. vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h16m22s33
Before Zack Morris goes in, Nurse Butcher is called out of the room and Jennifer enters. She tells Zack Morris that she’s taking over as school nurse when Nurse Butcher retires next month, and Zack Morris suddenly gets an erection lasting more than four hours.vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h17m39s35
In the hallway, Kelly wonders what’s taking Zack Morris so long and she tells Screech she’s decided to go steady with him. Screech is so overwhelmed at the prospect of a threesome that he grabs Zack Morris in the hallway, but Zack Morris gets away before Screech can plant a hot kiss on him.
Kelly tells Zack Morris the answer is yes but we’re expected to believe that Jennifer has caused Zack Morris to forget he asked Kelly to go steady with him.vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h18m11s73
Kelly is not amused.
At The Max, Slater wants someone to write him a note to avoid his flu shot but Lisa and Jessie are all, “Fuck that shit! They shouldn’t be giving it to you anyway!”
Kelly comes in and tells Jessie and Lisa she’s scared that Zack Morris doesn’t want to date her anymore. Jessie tells Kelly she’ll talk to Zack Morris for her.vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h19m29s113
Jessie then gets out her glasses and asks Kelly and Lisa how she looks. Lisa says she looks ridiculous and Screech comes up and says his grandmother’s friends wear glasses. We now know that only old people and ugly people wear glasses. There are no beautiful women in the world who wear glasses. So the moral of this subplot is going to be that Jessie realizes there’s nothing wrong with wanting to correct her visionand our resident ultrafeminist is going to say, “Fuck you!” to all her naysayers, right?vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h19m48s39
At Zack Morris’s house, Zack Morris is checking out his favorite person in the world: himself. Jessie comes through his window and tells him that Kelly is upset over how he’s been acting. Zack Morris tells her he’s having second thoughts because he’s in love with Jennifer but makes her promise not to tell anyone. She calls him a fucking swine and we get a fantasy sequence. vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h21m18s170
Oh my god, this may be the scariest one yet. Zack Morris has a medical degree and he’s in a ployamorous relationship with Kelly and Jennifer, who are both acting as his nurses. vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h21m29s19
He’s operating on Mr. Belding, which surely means Mr. Belding will soon be dead.
At Bayside, Miss Simpson can suddenly hear because of her new ultra-sensitive hearing aides. vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h22m29s124
But the hearing aides amplify all sound, including the bell, which nearly makes Miss Simpson’s brain explode. Okay, I admit it. That was pretty funny. vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h22m54s48
Zack Morris comes in and asks Miss Simpson to go to the nurse. Kelly offers to walk Zack Morris there but he yells she wouldn’t want to see what’s going to happen there and Miss Simpson’s head continues to swell up to near-explosion status.
Mr. Belding comes in and Miss Simpson rips out her hearing aid before it kills her. Mr. Belding tells Slater it’s time for his physical. Uh oh!
Zack Morris walks in the nurses office and Jennifer thinks that he’s having a reaction to the flu shot. She goes to get her thermometer but, wouldn’t you know it, Slater comes in on the other side.vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h24m56s51
Zack Morris tells Slater all his deepest feelings but is horrified to discover he just admitted his deepest homoerotic fantasies to Slater. Slater tells Zack Morris he’ll keep it a secret if Zack Morris gets his flu shot for him. Nurse Butcher comes in and tells Zack Morris to bend over, not because flu shots have to be administered in the butt but because she really wants to see Zack Morris’s ass. vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h26m17s88
At The Max, Zack Morris and Screech are jogging around the restaurant. Zack Morris tells Screech he doesn’t want to date Kelly exclusively and needs a horrible guy for Kelly to date so that she’ll continue pining after Zack Morris’s ever whim. Screech offers a guy on the chess team, Melvin Nerdling, and Zack Morris thinks this is perfect because names automatically denote what sort of personality a person has.
Kelly comes in and Zack Morris tells her he doesn’t want to date other people. Zack Morris leaves and, as Slater, Lisa, and Jessie walk in, she’s understandably pretty pissed off as she realizes she’s dating the biggest asshole at Bayside.
Jessie and Slater put two and two together and realize they both know what’s going on. Lisa picks up on context clues and says she’s going to Jennifer to tell her what Zack Morris did to Kelly.
Jennifer thinks Zack Morris is a fucking piece of shit for the way he’s treated Kelly. She tells Slater, Lisa, and Jessie she’ll take care of it. Jessie reads the eye chart without her glasses while she’s there and Jennifer tells her she got them all perfect. Turns out Nurse Butcher is going blind, which is why she’s retiring. Wait…so the school nurse now has the authority to prescribe eye glasses? Jessie didn’t go to an optometrist and confirm the diagnosis? And…wait…the resolution is that Jessie doesn’t need the glasses after all and everyone’s happy because glasses are stupid? Fucking shit. Way to give your young, impressionable viewers, many of whom will need eye glasses, a nice, stereotypical message about glasses being for nerds and geeks. God, as stupid as Full House was, at least their episode about Stephanie getting glasses got the message across that it is okay to correct your vision. vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h29m50s169
After a cut, Jennifer is dressed seductively as Zack Morris comes in. She starts seducing him and tells him he’s sweet, unlike her husband who beats her.vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h30m59s97
Jennifer proposes Zack Morris engage in statutory rape with her but Zack Morris is afraid of his bones being shattered under the weight of her husband’s punches and runs away.
He runs straight to Kelly’s house, where he tells her he’s come to his senses and wants to go steady again. vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h31m38s235
Much to her credit, Kelly isn’t having it and Zack Morris meets Melvin Nerdling. Oh no! You mean someone who’s not a stereotypical nerd can enjoy chess? What has this world come to! Next you’ll tell me attractive people wear glasses!
Kelly tells Zack Morris to fuck off and our episode ends with Kyle dumping water on Zack Morris. I really enjoy it when Zack Morris gets what’s coming to him, although I fail to understand how Zack Morris didn’t know who Melvin was, especially since we find out Melvin is apparently a major jock. Oh well.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Feb 28, 2015 23:38:20 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 2, Episode 17: “Breaking Up is Hard to Undo”
We open with Slater and Jessie playing a rousing game of “Got Your Nose!” It’s the game all infants enjoy!vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h36m24s183
Zack Morris reminds Kelly they’ve been going steady for sixty-eight days, which is probably as much news for her as it is for us considering the ending of last week’s episode. Either these writers can’t keep their timelines straight or NBC is airing the episodes out of order again. I can believe either one. Of course, there’s always possibility number three: they don’t give a shit.
Slater and Jessie exchange some sexually suggestive dialogue that I think involves Jessie’s boobs and how Slater wants to see them shake. I’m surprised that this made it to Saturday morning television. Don’t worry, Slater. In three years, Jessie will make a horrible movie that will feature her boobs prominently. Oh and Slater’s sexually suggestive nickname for Jessie is “Honey Lips.” Could they get any more risque? Next they’ll have the Honey Nut Cheerios bee dancing seductively.
Zack Morris and Kelly tell Jessie and Slater that they’ve basically been going out since the prom so they should just fuck and get it over with. Once again, this is news to us, the audience, since a plot point earlier this season was that Slater hadn’t asked Jessie out again since the prom. Remember, Zack Morris? You tried to give him horrible dating advice on your shitty 900 number.
Kelly says Slater and Jessie should just make it official. Jessie’s all, “Feminism! Power to my pussy! Down with the man!” and Slater’s all, “Whatever will get me in Jessie’s pants.” So they don’t want to go steady because Jessie thinks it will be oppressive. vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h36m54s233
They end this timeline contradicting scene with a kiss that the audience loses their shit over.
At Bayside, Lisa gives us some exposition that school gossip claims Slater and Jessie are a couple. Magically, in the space of a scene transition, Jessie dropped her feminist caricature and decided to date Slater. Kelly suggests they celebrate with a date Saturday and the audience loses their shit again as they exchange sweet nothings that would make the Little Rascals blush.
Zack Morris suggests to Kelly that they should do something special for their ten week anniversary on Saturday since that’s such a crucial anniversary. Kelly says she can’t because Todd Winfield is in town, who is apparently her rich, Mel Gibson-like ex-boyfriend. So does that mean he spouts anti-Semitic slurs at police and makes snuff films about Jesus? I want to know when these two dated considering how much both Zack Morris and Slater were up Kelly’s ass last season. Was it before the giant move from Indiana?
Yeah, predictably, Zack Morris being Zack Morris is threatened by other testosterone even breathing on Kelly.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h40m06s90
At The Max, there’s a wacky misunderstanding about where Jessie’s and Slater’s date will be. Uh, oh! They both bought tickets before they bothered to consult the other because they’re both dumb asses! What’s more, they both bought tickets to something it should have been obvious the other won’t enjoy: Jessie to ballet and Slater to a football game! This is so wacky! All this really reminds me of is that there was a time people wanted to see the Raiders.
Jessie’s hella pissed and says that Slater is a sexist pig for not enjoying ballet. I think there’s a flaw in her logic there. Slater tells her to fuck off and they both decide to fuck off.
Zack Morris comes in and tells Kelly that, since she’s his property, she forbids him to see Todd Winfield. Kelly tells him to eat Screech’s dick and gives him back his ring as she storms out.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h41m57s182
Back at Bayside, there’s a council meeting and there’s some boring shit about Jessie wanting to cut the sports teams jerseys to unilaterally create a dance department. vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h42m18s60
The four guys present, including Moose and, for some reason, one of the geeks from “Model Students”, are against getting rid of the sports jerseys. I get Moose, but why the hell does the nerd care? After all, we’ve previously established no nerds enjoy sports in the Saved by the Bell universe.
War breaks out between the boys and the girls since all boys love sports and hate dance and all girls love dance and hate sports. vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h42m54s246
Everyone starts fighting so much Mr. Belding breaks his gavel. He brings Zack Morris, Slater, Kelly, and Jessie into his office. There’s some heated name calling like “Meat Head” and “Skinny Lips.” After hearing their exaggerated grievances, Mr. Belding receives a phone call from Mrs. Belding and tells the four they should learn from his superior relationship. We find out Mrs. Belding has a first name (Becky), and Mr. Belding has a falling out with his wife because she wants her mother to stay in their house. I can almost hear the *wah wah wah* music.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h46m45s3At The Max, Mr. Belding is having an inappropriate moment with Screech talking about the fall out of his relationship. Doesn’t he have friends or family that he can do this shit with? We also find out The Max was once an Italian restaurant when he was a kid because that’s what all the kids loved, back before a shitty magician bought it and made it a diner where nobody ever eats the food. vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h47m07s230
Mr. Belding has a tender moment where he puts Screech in a headlock and tells him he wishes he had someplace to go.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h47m25s99
We cut to Zack Morris and Slater staring at the phone and waiting for the girls to come back groveling.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h47m58s205
Mr. Belding follows Screech to Zack Morris’s house. This…is getting creepy. Don’t Zack Morris’s parents think it’s strange the principal of their son’s school is hanging out at their house with high schoolers? He would have had to go through the living room to get to Zack Morris’s bedroom, right? vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h48m34s66
And Mr. Belding fulfills his fantasies of sleeping in Zack Morris’s bed? Oh, Zack Morris has now had Screech and Mr. Belding in his bed! Yeah, Mr. Belding says men have to stick together and that men don’t need women; women need men. vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h48m45s166
We cut to…the girls needing the guys. Lisa’s the voice of reason and tells the girls they should try seeing things from the other person’s perspective. She also tells them they need to swallow their pride and make up. Lisa then proceeds to tell them she’s going to do it for them since she doesn’t have much else to do this episode.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h49m57s123
Meanwhile, Mr. Belding bought pizza for the guys. Seriously, where are Zack Morris’s parents? This is getting rather creepy the longer Mr. Belding is in Zack Morris’s bedroom! The four do their “man cheer,” which is just the four of them burping in unison. You know, disturbingly, I hear that’s a sexual fetish in some groups.
Lisa comes in and expresses mild surprise that Mr. Belding is there but takes his explanation of, “Bonding with my boys,” very nonchalantly. Seriously, it’s like nobody gives a second thought to a high school principal hanging out with his students in their bedrooms. Lisa tells Zack Morris and Slater that Kelly and Jessie want to make up. vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h51m34s64
Mr. Belding convinces Zack Morris and Slater that making up is stupid and they should remain sexless virgins forever and hang out with him. They tell Lisa to tell the girls, “Thanks but no thanks,” and Lisa’s like, “Whatever, I’m getting out of this stupid scene!”vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h52m13s192
The next morning, Zack Morris hallucinates Kelly in his bedroom wearing a Dukes of Hazard outfit. vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h53m36s7
He sees her in his mirror.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h54m03s25
And coming out of his closet. Yeah, that last one.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h54m25s224
At Bayside, Slater gives some gratuitous fan service in the locker room as Zack Morris comes in. They decide that listening to their possible pederast principal was a bad idea and they need to get back with their girls. vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h56m18s96
Mr. Belding comes in, now living at the school because that’s totally allowed. Where did he put on that shaving cream? Is he just walking through the school wearing shaving cream and a bath robe? vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h58m49s61
After Mr. Belding suggests a guy’s night out involving tacos and bowling, Zack Morris warps the laws of time and space to tell us, the viewer, that he has a plan to get rid of Mr. Belding and get their girls back. He then proceeds to use his phone to order flowers for both Beldings from each other. So how does warping the laws of time and space work? Does it only freeze people in the general vicinity of Zack Morris but not florist employees? vlcsnap-2014-08-17-13h00m14s155
Mr. Belding assumes flowers means his wife has caved so he decides to go home and cancel tacos and bowling. He says he’s her little “whoopey whoopey” and goes home to his wife who will soon confirm that this was another Zack Morris scheme.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-13h01m08s120
Slater and Zack Morris give each other air kisses and say they’ll always have each other. vlcsnap-2014-08-17-13h01m38s219
Cut to The Max, which has nicely allowed Zack Morris and Slater to use it as a place to meet Jessie and Kelly after hours when the employees have gone home. The Max must really trust our gang since they’re the primary six customers. I think our gang just gets whatever the hell they want because they have blackmail on Max.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-13h02m22s140
They sit at a table conveniently labeled with a printed sign on it for Kelly and Jessie.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-13h02m28s215
Zack Morris comes out and says this is “What I Should Have Said Theater.” He also does his best Touched by an Angel impression since a light shines down on him out of nowhere. vlcsnap-2014-08-17-13h02m54s212
Lisa comes out dressed as Beyonce to play the role of Jessie. Slater’s all, “My feelings don’t matter and I should have just caved to an activity I dislike in order to please you because that’s the foundation of all great relationships!”vlcsnap-2014-08-17-13h03m38s141
Slater proceeds to strip off his clothes and dance throughout The Max, because I needed a reminder of what Slater looks like in spandex. The audience loves Slater in spandex so much that they nearly have a heart attack from how much they lose their shit. I think someone may need first aid.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-13h04m17s16
Meanwhile, Kelly’s been taking too many caffeine pills since she now resembles Screech in a Blossom wig. Zack Morris tells our caffeine pill overdosing Kelly that he thinks it’s great she’s still friends with her ex-boyfriend, trusts her completely, and would say anything to get some more of that sweet sweet poon.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-13h05m25s165
The girls instantly forgive Zack Morris and Slater and there’s one more excuse for the audience to lose their shit. I hope there weren’t any old people with heart conditions in the audience for this episode because they have been emotional for a record number of times.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-13h05m35s25And we close with caffeine pill overdosing Kelly crying because she doesn’t know which bathroom to use. Yay, gender confusion. Classy way to end an overly sappy, sometimes creepy episode you guys.
Firsts: Mrs. Belding’s first name (Becky), Zack Morris and Kelly go steady, Slater and Jessie go steady.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Feb 28, 2015 23:41:23 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 2, Episode 18: “The Glee Club”
We open with Zack Morris declaring that Screeh and Violet are the hottest couple at Bayside despite the fact that this is only the second time we’ve seen Violet. I guess Screech has been hiding her in his closet to use as his personal love toy. Either that or the writers of this show have no idea what to do with a recurring character who isn’t the focus of the episode.
Violet tries to convince the gang to join the Glee Club but no one except Screech wants to join because singing is hella stupid despite the fact the girls were once part of a rocking girl group. Screech only wants to be a part because he’s hoping to get some poon. The gang change their mind, though, when Violet mentions the possibility of a trip to Hawaii for the finals of the “All-City Competition.” If it’s all CITY, why are the finals being held in Hawaii? Are the writers under the impression Hawaii is a city in California? Also, it’s totally possible for six people to join a club a week before a major competition in the Saved by the Bell universe.vlcsnap-2014-08-24-12h30m02s99
Yeah, they join and three stereotypical nerds are there to push home the message that singing is only for nerds unless you can go to Hawaii or be a part of a girl group. vlcsnap-2014-08-24-12h30m20s73
The Glee Club is lead by Bayside’s most versatile incompetent faculty member, Mr. Tuttle. Geez, how many degrees does this guy have? He teaches everything!
Mr. Belding comes in to hear them sing and…vlcsnap-2014-08-24-12h31m34s21
…they suck ass! But the most important question in this scene is what the hell is Scott Wolf doing there? Yes, the boy to the right of Jessie in the orange shirt is future Party of Five star Scott Wolf. Turns out that, before he became a big name, Scott slummed around as a background character on Saved by the Bell. This is the first of several episodes he’ll be in. It’ll be a fun game, like Where’s Waldo. He’s also quite literally one of only three members of the club who aren’t either a part of the gang or a stereotypical nerd. How did this club exist before the gang joined?
Mr. Belding tells Mr. Tuttle the Glee Club has to shape up or he won’t allow them to compete at the All-City Competition since it’s being held (surprise, surprise) at Bayside.
Also Lisa randomly has a cold.
At Zack Morris’s house, Zack Morris and Screech are thinking up ways they can whip the club into shape. Violet calls Screech because she assumes that, if he’s not home or at school, he has nowhere else to be than Zack Morris’s house. Violet invites them to a concert at Cal U. Zack Morris doesn’t want to go at first until he finds out the Cal U Glee Club is performing. vlcsnap-2014-08-24-12h32m51s38
I’m briefly distracted by Screech doing a disturbing kissy face into the phone, but I’m more impressed by the fact that The College Years actually used a place that had already been established as existing in this universe. This begs the question why they invented a place and didn’t just use a real university in this episode but this is Saved by the Bell. They might have actually believed it existed at first.
The next day, Mr. Belding comes to see the club rehearse. Zack Morris apparently has access to high end recording and playback equipment because not only does he have a completely clear, perfect recording of the Cal U Glee Club, but his playback sounds genuinely like they’re singing it. Mr. Belding is fooled and Mr. Tuttle is happy because the plan has bought him some time to think of a real solution since the judges for the competition probably won’t be as huge idiots as Mr. Belding.
After a commercial break, Zack Morris tells us that he and Mr. Tuttle have come up with a plan since adults are stupid on their own in the universe. The plan is to feature only the best singers and hide everyone else in the background. Uh, I think that defeats the purpose of a glee club.
Kelly sings first and we’re apparently back to the tone-deaf Kelly rather than the Hot Sundae Kelly since tone-deaf Kelly is more convenient to this plot. vlcsnap-2014-08-24-12h36m38s252
Oh no! Jessie is wearing a mask because she doesn’t want to get Lisa’s cold even though Lisa is sitting closer to Zack Morris than to her. I wonder if this will in any way play into the plot in a few minutes.vlcsnap-2014-08-24-12h37m41s23
Violet is up and she demonstrates how Aaron Spelling’s money can buy great singing lessons. It turns out she’s inexplicably the best singer of the bunch. This naturally makes her the star, which she doesn’t want to be, but Screech says he’ll be right there behind her preparing to grope her if she gets nervous. Also, despite the fact they’re Bayside’s hottest couple, Violet’s family haven’t met Screech so they want him to have dinner with them on Saturday night.
Screech is nervous about meeting Violet’s parents since they’re rich and rich people are completely different than upper middle class people. He naturally gets advice from the five worst sources on the planet, which basically amounts to telling Violet’s mother she looks like a celebrity.vlcsnap-2014-08-24-12h40m22s192
We cut to…Monday I guess? I don’t know. The timeline on this episode is very confusing. But, yeah, bad yearbook photo Screech here recounts dinner at Violet’s house.vlcsnap-2014-08-24-12h40m36s68
We get it in fantasy sequence framing even though this isn’t technically a fantasy sequence…I think…and the first problem is Screech doesn’t seem to know how to wear a tie, even though we’ve seen him do it many times before. He tells Violet’s mother she looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger and her father that 7th Heaven was the worst piece of shit he ever put his name on. He makes a stupid comment about frog’s legs, doesn’t know how to eat posh food, and pulls the table cloth off the table. Oh, the non-existent hilarity!
Violet comes in, tells Mr. Tuttle that she’s quitting the Glee Club, and runs back out, leaving Screech to believe that she hates him. No, Screech, everyone hates you, not just Violet. You’re responsible for that Lifetime movie after all. Zack Morris tells Jessie she’ll have to take over since she’s the only other good singer but, oh no, Jessie’s caught Lisa’s cold and lost her voice! I’m glad that small, minor detail turned out to be a plot contrivance! vlcsnap-2014-08-24-12h41m55s66
Even though Lisa was one-third of Hot Sundae, she can’t sing because she’s under contract to Chiquita Bananas. Seriously, this is the character who was supposed to be the fashion expert…
The girls find Violet in the restroom crying and she tells them that her parents forbid her to see Screech because Aaron Spelling doesn’t want a future porn star dating his teenage daughter.
We cut to Zack Morris consoling Screech over the lost of Violet. Don’t worry,you’ll always have each other. Violet comes in and tells Screech about her parents. Screech agrees to take a backstage position so Violet can sing because…being in the same club means they’re still dating? I don’t know. It’s stupid and we’ve only got about five minutes left. vlcsnap-2014-08-24-12h45m04s197
Screech gives Violet a rose and wishes her good luck. vlcsnap-2014-08-24-12h45m14s39
Violet’s parents, including Not-Aaron Spelling, come backstage and decide that Screech and Violet being in the same vicinity means they were getting ready to fuck. Not-Aaron Spelling has the same misogynistic problems as many of the male characters on this show since he proceeds to speak on behalf of his wife without consultation and tells Violet how much they’re both disappointed in her for defying them. Come on, chief. Learn to use “I” statements, not “we” statements. Violet runs off in tears.
Mr. Tuttle, in typical form, is so incompetent he doesn’t notice Violet is gone until Zack Morris tells him. Kelly runs off to find Violet…vlcsnap-2014-08-24-12h46m34s61
…and Zack Morris calls a time out to give his Cal U bootleg to Screech to play while Scott Wolf looks confused he’s still in this episode. I still don’t understand how Zack Morris’s warping of time and space works, especially since Screech is exempt from it here.
Yeah, Screech is so incompetent he doesn’t know how to play a cassette tape correctly. He first plays it sped up and then plays it too slow. vlcsnap-2014-08-24-12h48m04s199
He then makes cassette ribbon spew out at him from a part of the machine that looks like a reel to reel player and shouldn’t have anything to do with the tape deck. He also makes the machine blow up.
Lucky, though, Violet shows up, but she’s a mess and freezing up.vlcsnap-2014-08-24-12h49m18s178
Don’t worry, though, Screech is suddenly back in the glee club and comes out to do a duet with Violet. They complete the performance and find themselves at The Max, where the gang is impressed with what Screech did for Violet. Randomly coming out on stage and doing a duet is now praise-worthy. vlcsnap-2014-08-24-12h50m53s106Violet and her parents come in. Screech’s soft melody was enough to melt their icy hearts, and they give Screech permission to date their daughter, which is great because the writers need to bring her back one more time before she moves to 90210.
Firsts: Scott Wolf, Cal U is mentioned.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Mar 29, 2015 13:26:57 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 1: “The Last Dance”
We open with Zack Morris walking down the hallway pretending like he’s friends with someone other than the five other regulars. That’s so cute how they pretend the background characters matter.
His opening monologue tells us that the annual costume ball that was not mentioned at all the past two years and will never be mentioned again is being held this Friday. It’s also a costume ball where they crown a king and queen, so Zack Morris naturally has decided that, since he’s the only character on the show that truly matters, he and Kelly will win for sure.vlcsnap-2014-09-05-16h47m10s194
Kelly is all, “This is one of the episodes where my being poor is going to be remembered because I can’t afford a costume and need to get a job.” Lisa suggests she get a job at The Max, and Kelly’s all bummed because that means she won’t be able to be a part of the band the writers suddenly decided the gang has. I guess their time in the glee club really paid off!
In the absence of Max, The Max’s new manager is Jeff Hunter. Let’s meet Jeff Hunter.
Jeffrey HunterYou might remember Mr. Hunter as the original captain on Star Trek before William Shatner was hired. It seems after Mr. Hunter turned down Star Trek for a string of bad movies, he ended up not being able to get any other job but working for a shitty restaurant where no one ever eats the food.
vlcsnap-2014-09-05-16h48m17s1
Oh, wait, what’s that you say? Jeff Hunter is this guy in the red shirt? Oh, must be a different Jeff Hunter. This Jeff Hunter is just some college-aged douche who wants to fuck Kelly.
Jeff doesn’t want to hire Kelly at first because she has no experience waiting since waiting is a job where you need lots of experience. Since Jeff can’t get a college girl at UCLA, he decides to hire Kelly on probationary status in the hopes he can get in her pants.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for our new favorite game at Saved by the Bell Reviewed…spot Scott Wolf! So where is Scott Wolf today?vlcsnap-2014-09-05-17h13m26s73
Oh, look, he’s a waiter at The Max! And Kelly knocks his tray out of his hands! Oh, Scott Wolf! You are a clown! See you next time!vlcsnap-2014-09-05-16h52m06s75
In Mr. Belding’s office, we’re having lots of stupid planning and smack talking about the costume ball. I’m more distracted, though, because I just noticed the picture on the wall behind Mr. Belding of what appears to be elementary aged kids in Speedos. I would like the explanation of why he has this on his wall…
The only important thing in this scene is that Zack Morris convinces Mr. Belding to let their band play at the dance instead of hiring a DJ.vlcsnap-2014-09-05-16h52m49s15
Back at The Max, these two horrible cliches of 1950s era juvenile delinquents are being assholes to Kelly. Seriously, did the writers have no idea what kids in the early 90s were like? Jeff tells them to go fuck themselves because he’s trying to get into Kelly’s pants. Besides, no one eats the food here anyway.vlcsnap-2014-09-05-16h53m59s167
Zack Morris and Screech come in and Screech naturally acts like an ass thinking he’s going to make Kelly look good. Jeff also tells Kelly she’s hot.vlcsnap-2014-09-05-16h55m14s183
At Kelly’s house, Zack Morris comes in with a bad hat on that’s supposed to be Romeo’s hat. Yeah, he wants them to dress up as Romeo and Juliet. Does that mean they’re going to kill themselves at the end when Mr. Belding and Jeff forbid them from seeing each other? Yeah, Kelly doesn’t want to ask for time off since she just got the job and Zack Morris is bummed out that he might not get any poon. What does he care? Isn’t he going to be playing in a band anyway? How can he play in the band and get it on with Kelly?vlcsnap-2014-09-05-16h56m14s242
Speaking of the band, I told you everything is all about Zack Morris! The band, Zack Attack, is even named after him despite the fact Jessie does most of the singing! Am I the only one who pictures “Zack Attack” as a bad Pac-Man rip-off?
But, uh oh! Zack Morris is all depressed and down because Kelly’s not following his every whim so he suddenly can’t play guitar or sing. Slater convinces Zack Morris to ask for Kelly’s night off for her, which is a terrible idea given what happened in yesterday’s Roar Comic, but Zack Morris thinks it’s a great idea because he’s a moron.
So he goes to The Max to meet Jeff. Zack Morris tells Jeff a load of bullshit about Kelly that Jeff already knows is fake. Jeff gives Kelly the night off anyway because…Zack Morris gets everything he wants? I don’t know, just go with it. We also find out Kelly has six brothers and sisters. We’ve met three of them already. I wonder if we’ll meet the other half.
vlcsnap-2014-09-05-16h58m21s7
At Kelly’s house, Kelly can’t stop talking about Jeff. Kelly’s all, “I still love Zack Morris but Jeff is a hot older predator who might potentially engage in statutory rape with me.” Jessie and Kelly are all, “Girl, you in denial!”
Back at The Max, Kelly and Jeff are closing up for the night. Jeff tells Kelly to go to the costume ball and she’s all, “Blah blah blah plot point!” vlcsnap-2014-09-05-17h00m22s200
Then they kiss and the audience loses their shit. Kelly runs out confused because now she has two guys who are going to define her every move in this episode.vlcsnap-2014-09-05-17h03m31s26
The next day, Kelly is being distant. Zack Morris, being completely clueless, doesn’t notice she’s doing her damndest to show conflicting emotions. Jessie and Lisa look knowingly at one another like, “Kelly’s going to be a statutory rape statistic real soon!”
Back at Zack Attack headquarters, Zack Morris is all, “Hey, Kelly was distant!” Then, because the plot demands it, Zack Morris suddenly assumes that she’s got a thing going with Jeff. Talk about contrived. vlcsnap-2014-09-05-17h05m23s125
And it’s time for Zack Attack’s premiere concert, where Cleopatra, a giant chicken, and a guy in a bad hat are playing rocking tunes for all the kids.vlcsnap-2014-09-05-17h07m21s13
The band gets to take a break because there’s lots of things to do at a dance without the band playing. Kelly is still distant and talking about food while Zack Morris talks about music. Yeah, go with it.vlcsnap-2014-09-05-17h07m54s98
Mr. Belding the gay pirate comes on stage to announce the king and queen.vlcsnap-2014-09-05-17h08m44s94
Of course it’s Zack Morris and Kelly. Kelly accidentally call Zack Morris Jeff and he’s all, “Biatch, we gots to talk about yo cheatin’ ass right now because that could not possibly have just been a slip of the tounge!” They go outside to talk.vlcsnap-2014-09-05-17h09m12s122
Meanwhile, Slater takes Zack Morris’s spot on Zack Attack for the last dance. It’s a good thing they happened to have a spare drummer waiting in the wings for one of the gang to disappear. The producers spared no expense in this episode and actually splurged for the rights to a Michael Bolton song. Yes, Slater and Jessie singing a duet to “How am I Supposed to Live Without You.” They’re rocking alright. Almost as much as Justin Bieber is a rock star. This is apparently supposed to be a romantic last song despite the fact it’s all about a girl leaving for another guy. In twenty years, there are some kids who will remember this is the song they had their first kiss to.vlcsnap-2014-09-05-17h10m18s14
Oh, look! They kept the picnic table scene from “The Prom!” How middle school ironic that they’re going to break up in the same place they started dating! Kelly tells Zack Morris the truth about Jeff and is all, “I like you but I don’t like you and I like Jeff but I don’t like Jeff and I’m going to break up with you because you need the opportunity to date Leah Remini when we go to Malibu Sands!” Zack Morris seems surprisingly okay with it. Maybe he’s so sociopathic he never loved Kelly to begin with since she’s just his prized trophy. After all, he still has that cardboard cutout of Kelly he can molest. He’s even okay with them just being friends! And another episode wrapped up in less than twenty minutes with a tight little bow…vlcsnap-2014-09-05-17h11m29s209Uh oh! It’s a two-parter! I guess the writers decided that this classic romance needed two episodes to break apart. I’m sure we’ll get the conclusion next week and not an episode completely irrelevant to this one, right?
Firsts: Jeff Hunter, Zack Morris and Kelly break up, Kelly works at The Max, the plot isn’t resolved in a half hour (To Be Continued).
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Mar 29, 2015 13:27:22 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 2: “Zack’s Birthday”
Oh, “Zack’s Birthday!” I bet the conclusion of last week’s episode is that Kelly throws Zack Morris a surprise birthday party to apologize for being a stupid spoiled cheating brat. Yeah, and I bet they immediately get back together!
vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h05m45s189
Wait, what’s this? An oceanfront exterior? This doesn’t look like Saved by the Bell! Did they include the wrong disk in my set? It wouldn’t surprise me with Lionsgate!
No, Zack Morris informs us via voice over that it’s now summer…for some reason. vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h05m59s73
He tells us that, starting today, this is where he works. So he works at the Super 8?vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h06m05s145
Oh, it’s the Malibu Sands beach resort! Lisa’s parents are members and conveniently got all the gang jobs so they could do an arc of episodes away from Bayside and The Max.vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h08m01s3
Zack Morris’s voice is ready to orgasm from the thought of girls on the beach, but it’s strange these are the three they focus on while he’s saying it. Judging by the frown lines, I’d say the one in the middle is old enough to be his mother. But, yeah, he’s also there for fun in the sun and, of course, money. vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h08m17s184
Meet their boss, Mr. Leon Carosi, played by Ernie Sabella, because I guess Sabella got tired of playing Larry and Balki’s boss on Perfect Strangers but he hadn’t yet landed the sweet gig of voicing Pumbaa in The Lion King. Mr. Carosi is there to be the antagonist and, one by one, insults each member of the gang sans Lisa while ignoring the background characters because they don’t really matter.
Zack Morris is the social director, Screech is a waiter, Jessie is a receptionist, and Slater and Kelly are lifeguards. There’s some casual misogyny as Mr. Carosi implies Kelly can’t be a lifeguard because she’s a girl. He obviously has never watched Baywatch. Jessie is all, “Feminism! Equal rights amendment! Yes we can!” and Mr. Carosi drops his objection to Kelly in order to shut Jessie up.
vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h10m55s216
Zack Morris almost immediately takes advantage of his position to grope two women on the beach under the pretense of putting sunblock on them. Meanwhile, Screech is taking drink orders on the beach…for some reason.vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h11m41s153
Norman here approaches Kelly and sexually harasses her. Mr. Carosi comes around and reprimands Kelly for flirting with men while on duty because…he’s an ass and won’t listen to anyone? He takes Norman off arm in arm hoping Norman will sexually harass him next.vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h12m20s50
Now Screech is working in the dining room? How can he cover all these places at once? Is he the Flash? Lisa comes in and joins Zack Morris on his lunch break.vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h13m36s30
Mr. Carosi gets mad at Zack Morris for eating in the dining room. Lisa is all, “Look here, biatch, you better watch yo stuff and quit acting like an ass before I give a one two punch to you.” Mr. Carosi backs off but tells Zack Morris to never eat in the dining room again.
Meanwhile, Jessie sucks at answering the phone because she won’t use Mr. Carosi’s five minute script. Yeah…
Slater, Kelly, and Lisa conveniently come in and discuss Zack Morris’s birthday party on Saturday at Lisa’s beach house that the writers decided she had. Zack Morris comes in and they all spread to opposite directions.
Zack Morris has doubts about working at the beach club until a fresh girl he can sexually harass walks in. She’s looking for Mr. Carosi and Zack Morris is all, “Why do you want to see that ass?”vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h15m41s8
She’s all, “That jerk is my father!” Yes, meet Stacey Carosi, played by Leah Remini, who’s a student in New York. She’s in charge of the temporary help, i.e. imitating her father’s assholery as much as possible. She likes to generalize a lot by implying all west coast boys are dudes and narley and surfers. Zack Morris is smitten with her, and later tells the gang he’ll have her eating out of his hand because every girl wants to fuck Zack Morris.
Meanwhile, Jessie’s a slob. Yeah, there’s absolutely no point to learning that, but they insert it anyway and reveal that Kelly and Jessie are staying with Lisa at her beach house.
vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h19m35s49
After being told off by Stacey, Zack Morris is off to organize an orgy under the pretense of playing volleyball with some girls. Stacey comes around and is all, “Stop goofing off before I kick your ass.”
Meanwhile, Jessie tries to order Zack Morris’s birthday cake and hilarity ensues as she tries to keep both Mr. Carosi and Zack Morris from finding out what she’s doing. vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h21m00s120
Mr. Carosi also has a thing for grannies apparently.
Zack Morris hates his job and wants to be a cool kid like Screech. He has a Zack Morris plan to accomplish this. Lisa comes in and tells Jessie her beach house isn’t available Saturday because her parents are throwing their own wild party with hookers and blow. Uh oh!vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h22m20s141
Meanwhile, Slater is watching you!vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h22m56s8
Mr. Carosi gets hungry and follows a giant hot dog around the beach without knowing whether it’s real or a hallucination brought on by too much LSD. He finds the giant hot dog leads him to Zack Morris, who’s selling hot dogs on the public beach during his lunch hour. Zack Morris tells Mr. Carosi he’ll stop selling hot dogs if he makes him a waiter and Mr. Carosi is all, “Might as well. Zack Morris always gets what he wants anyway.
In the dining room, Zack Morris is the perfect waiter and earns lots of tips. Stacey, who’s in the dining room to eat lunch, doesn’t approve because he didn’t ask her if she wanted something to drink. She’s all, “Screech, now that’s a real man!” Zack Morris throws his order pad down and tells Stacey that, if she likes Screech so much, she should just appear in his porno. vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h26m20s4
In the employee Lounge, which has a very strange blanket on the wall, Jessie, Slater, and Lisa decide to have Zack Morris’s surprise party at the club after hours. Zack Morris comes in bitching and moaning because his boss wants him to do his job and Stacey comes in, asking to have a word alone with Zack Morris.
Stacey tells Zack Morris he better get back to work if he wants to keep his job. Zack Morris is all, “You don’t want my penis in you and you’re acting like a more beautiful version of your father. You should lighten up and learn to let teenage boys use their love tools on you!”vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h27m46s93
As Zack Morris walks off, Stacey gives a look like, “Oh my god, I just got told off by the biggest jerk alive.” And, I swear, someone in the audience goes, “Busted!” as the rest of the audience does a “Oh no he didn’t!” sound.
Meanwhile, Norman is acting like an idiot in the ocean and gets caught in an undertow.vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h29m04s102
Kelly saves his life and Mr. Carosi is all, “Don’t let him swim so far out!” What was she supposed to do: chain him to her lifeguard tower so he could sexually harass her some more?vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h29m39s188
It’s time for the party and all the new Malibu Sands background characters are there! They all start dancing to the best in muzak. vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h31m00s154
Jessie brings out Zack Morris’s cake, which reads, “Happy Wrong Number by the Sea.” Oh the hilarity of Jessie’s misadventure trying to keep the cake a secret!vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h31m26s242
As Zack Morris blows out his candles, Mr. Carosi comes in ready to fire the entire staff for breaking and entering. Wouldn’t it be hard to run the resort without anyone working for him? vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h31m45s178
Stacey comes in and says she gave them permission to use the beach club and Mr. Carosi is all, “Oh, I’ll just go home now and not question any of this.” Stacey tells Zack Morris maybe she wants his cock after all and goes off as they make nice. There’s foreshadowing and there’s hitting you over the head with where this story is going.
Firsts: Mr. Leon Carosi, Stacey Carosi, Malibu Sands, the gang has summer jobs, Lisa’s beach house.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Mar 29, 2015 13:27:52 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 3: “The Aftermath”
While the gang was at Malibu Sands last week, it seems everyone’s heard about Kelly’s ways. This extra wants to molest Zack Morris’s shoulder. Slater’s jealous that all he has is Jessie’s dried up vagina. vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h01m33s222
This extra is hoping the shock of Kelly’s whoring will make Zack Morris try the gay. Jessie’s all, “I bet he has a bigger penis than Slater.”vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h02m55s24
Zack Morris pretends he’s not upset by Kelly breaking up with him, but his obsession shows through and would be enough to make him a suspect on CSI. I am curious how he got all those Tiger Beat photos of Kelly and why that’s not making him jealous.
Oh and it’s Lisa’s sixteenth birthday at the end of the episode. Yeah, I guess it’s important you know that. Kelly wants to bring Jeff to Lisa’s party and everyone’s all, “We don’t want him molesting us.” Lisa says she doesn’t care who Kelly brings as long as she has a happy sixteenth birthday.vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h03m56s41
Zack Morris randomly stands outside class obsessively staring at Kelly. He says he can’t let her know he’s miserable so he does his usual subpar acting.vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h04m35s210
Oh Miss Simpson is back to her deaf ways. vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h05m31s45
She’s also out of touch with the student gossip and has Zack Morris and Kelly read a romantic poem to each other. Miss Simpson should hang out more at The Max to keep up with these things.vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h06m11s173
Slate and Screech take Zack Morris out for a guy’s night out at the movies hoping to get his mind off Kelly so they can have a chance of getting a little somethin’ somethin’.vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h07m14s44
But who should come in but Slutty McSlutterton and her boyfriend, creepy college guy. Yeah, in case you forgot he’s older than Kelly, the costumers put him in an oversized UCLA shirt. Slater and Screech try to keep Zack Morris from noticing but soon Kelly screams at the movie and jumps in Jeff’s arms, causing Zack Morris to get up and walk out before Screech has a chance to do the same.
Back at Bayside and, in no way dating this series, Lisa tells Jessie she wants to fuck M.C. Hammer for her birthday. Guess Milli Vanilli and Kid ‘n Play were too busy. Meanwhile Zack Morris tells Lisa he can’t come to her party if Kelly is there, which seems quite reasonable considering how recently they broke up.
Kelly comes up and Jessie and Lisa are all, “How dare you see a movie in the same city as Zack Morris.” vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h11m45s191
Zack Morris decides it’s time to study in order to get his mind off Kelly and get a good score on the SATs later in the season. Kelly’s name is everywhere, though, and God is punishing Zack Morris for being Zack Morris by reminding him of her sluttiness.
The rest of the gang come in and decide that the solution to Zack Morris’s depression is to date other women, which is horrible advice. Jessie also thinks he should just snap out of it. Once again, horrible advice that will push a suicidal person off a ledge. God he has awful friends.vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h13m21s136
Zack Morris agrees to go on the dates, and first up is Sue, who can’t stop talking in the middle of the movie but, for some reason, is not being ejected from the theater.vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h13m46s128
Then there’s Cassie and she’s fat and eats a lot and is unlovable and it’s funny. Really, what goes through these girls’ minds when they’re told they’re going to play someone who Zack Morris refuses to date because they’re too fat?vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h14m25s255
The final contestant is Screech’s cousin, Kimberly, whom Zack Morris thinks is just right. Zack Morris also appears to be seeing the same movie over and over again. The local movie theater must only play the great film classic, Generic Film with the Sound of Gunfire. Also, Zack Morris asks Kimberly to go back to The Max with him so Jeff can steal another girl from him.
And now, ladies and gentleman, it’s time for your favorite game and mine, “Where’s Scott Wolf?” Where is that rascally scamp hiding today?vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h14m42s121
Aww, isn’t that cute! Scott Wolf is on a date with another extra. It’s good he was getting such vital roles in his pre-fame days.vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h15m24s85
At The Max, Screech gets his nose stuck in a spoon for no reason. Meanwhile, Jeff encourages Kelly to make up with the gang.
Just then, Zack Morris and Kimberly walk in and, disturbingly enough, we find out that Powers family reunions involve them pinning a tail on one of their uncles. Also, Kimberly is adopted.vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h17m06s79
Zack Morris flirts as much as he can in front of Kelly, ordering a milkshake for two and dancing to Muzak Track A12, which was his and Kelly’s song. vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h18m24s93
Kelly comes back and is like, “How dare you try to make me feel bad for treating you like shit! Muzak Track A12 is a sacred bond between us that was never meant to be broken! I’m going to slap you, instantly getting the gang back on my side since it’s so horrible you’re dating the girl they set you up with!” vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h18m47s51
Also, Kimberly overhears Zack Morris and Kelly’s conversation and decides that Zack Morris’s shirt needs a splash of chocolate.
At Bayside, Lisa and Jessie make up with Kelly and are all, “Your being a whore bag is so much better than Zack Morris dating the girl we set him up with.” They also tell Zack Morris that he’s a horrible person for feeling angry that Kelly cheated on him because that’s so something not to be angry about. vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h20m31s64
Zack Morris has a mental break down and starts throwing Kelly’s wardrobe out of his locker. So…was the locker where they fucked? Mr. Belding finally has something to do this episode by punishing Zack Morris for being himself.vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h21m06s174
Screech shows up to be Zack Morris’s date to Lisa’s party but Zack Morris is all, “Everyone hates me for being angry at Kelly so I can’t go because this plot makes so much sense!” vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h22m21s161
At Lisa’s party, she must have gotten struck by lightning because she’s gained the ability to psychically tell what is in all the packages simply by shaking them. Kelly and Jeff show up and Jeff instantly wins Slater over because he’s also a wrestler. Wrestling apparently cures all in the Saved by the Bell universe. Maybe Zack Morris just needs to wrestle with everyone. Jessie is all, “Jeff, I hated you because Kelly is a slut but now I realize that if you were good enough for Kelly to cheat on our friend with, you’re good enough for us.”
Kelly’s upset when she finds out Zack Morris isn’t coming and tells Slater and Lisa that she never meant to hurt him. Slater’s all, “We know. You were just being a selfish bitch who had no thought of how her actions would effect others.”vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h24m53s140
Time for birthday cake, and birthday cake magically makes Zack Morris appear out of thin air.vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h25m34s40
Zack Morris tells Kelly, “The writers didn’t want to make this a three part episode so they decided I should forget all about my emotions and just pretend like nothing ever happened.” Also, Jeff is eyeing Kelly to make sure she doesn’t have any plans to cheat on her current boyfriend with her ex-boyfriend, since she does have a history of that sort of thing. Zack Morris tells Kelly they can be friends, which I assume is passive aggressive talk for “Die, you stupid bitch.” He also tells Jeff to treat Kelly well, which I guess is code for, “Kelly likes to be pile drived doggy style while you play with her nipples.”
And everyone lives happily ever after when Zack Morris decides to whore it up with a random girl at the party because everyone on this show is apparently a sociopath.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Mar 29, 2015 13:28:21 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 3 Episode 4: “The Game”
We open with…the ocean. The exact same opening shot from “Zack’s Birthday.” Because if we didn’t feature a shot of the beach, and this particular shot, you might forget this is where these episodes take place and how cheap this show just really is.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-09h47m45s63
Zack Morris is in love…with this car, a ’66 Mustang. He wants to make love to its hot grill since Screech dumped him for Violet. Yeah, he talked about wanting to buy a car in the last Malibu Sands episode but I pretty much dismissed that line since it would take the whole summer to save enough money to buy one. vlcsnap-2014-09-26-09h48m04s14
Lisa, meanwhile, wants to use the club’s phone to call boys since her parents, both being doctors, apparently can’t afford to buy her a cell phone. Jessie goes all phone Nazi on Lisa and Lisa’s like, “Girl, I hope you do a horrible movie about strippers one day!”vlcsnap-2014-09-26-09h49m11s159
The guys come in, Zack Morris apparently having stolen the “For Sale” sign from the Mustang, because that’s totally what you’re supposed to do if you want to buy something. There’s some surprisingly racy double entendres here involving the car being a hunk of junk and Screech not liking it with its top down, which Jessie and Lisa naturally interpret as the boys becoming peeping toms. vlcsnap-2014-09-26-09h49m47s20
Stacey finds Zack Morris and tells him he’s late and that her father is hungry and looking for him, so Zack Morris goes into the restaurant and waits on Mr. Carosi. Wait, there are other waiters in the restaurant. Why didn’t Mr. Carosi order from one of them if he was so hungry?
Mr. Carosi threatens to fire Zack Morris if he doesn’t get his breakfast fast. Yeah, it becomes ridiculous how often this guy threatens to fire Zack Morris over relatively petty things. Zack Morris’s solution? Steal some old extra’s breakfast. Since he has no lines, he doesn’t matter anyhow.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-09h50m19s73
Zack Morris goes to call the owner of the Mustang and somehow doesn’t hear Mr. Carosi’s cell phone ringing just a few feet away, or hear Mr. Carosi talking at the same time the guy on the phone is talking. Of note here is Zack Morris’s cell phone doesn’t look like a brick anymore. Man, giant flip phone. They’re getting progressive on this show!
Mr. Carosi wants $2,000 for the car but Zack Morris can only afford $1,500. When his flirting with Mr. Carosi doesn’t produce results, he goes off to assault the old extra again.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-09h52m08s141
Meet Monty, the owner of North Beach, who is here to make the “annual volleyball bet” with Mr. Carosi. Turns out North Beach has beaten Malibu Sands the last ten years in a row. The usual bet is $500 but Mr. Carosi doesn’t want to bet again. Zack Morris pulls Mr. Carosi to the side and convinces him that the gang can win the volleyball tournament, which immediately makes Mr. Carosi have a change of heart about the bet.
The gang is pissed that Zack Morris entered them by exaggerating their volleyball playing abilities to Mr. Carosi. He’s like, “Don’t worry. It’s one of my plans so it’s going to work out!” vlcsnap-2014-09-26-09h54m15s131
Zack Morris blackmails Mr. Carosi into selling him the car for $1,500 or they won’t play. He’s all, “It’s a deal because the plot needs to move along even though I should tell you to go fuck yourself.” vlcsnap-2014-09-26-09h55m09s150
Stacey comes out to see the gang play when Shirtless and Bright ’90s Shirt here come up and start sexually harassing her. They’re players from North Beach who want to fingerbang Stacey but she’s rather have Screech fingerbang her because…I don’t know. They don’t act particularly offensive and they are attractive. I’d think that would make them prime dating material in the Saved by the Bell universe. The gang play a single match against them and decide they’re destined to lose because Screech is an idiot and gets knocked out by the ball.
Stacey tells them they have one day to find a way to beat North Beach or she’s going to have to warn Mr. Carosi that he’s bet $500 on the word of a bunch of morons.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-09h56m53s173
Zack Morris is depressed and decides he needs Slater to cheer him up and help him think of a miracle. Oh, Zack Morris, you just want Slater to give you mouth to mouth, and judging by the look on Slater’s face, he wants to accommodate you.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-09h57m25s230
Gary here comes up searching for that hot brunette lifeguard so he can stare creepily at her. Zack Morris is all, “But I’m blonde!” According to IMDB, this episode is the only thing the guy who played Gary did in his acting career, and it’s quite obvious why. He can’t act to save his life and he makes Brian from The New Class look like a good actor. But he’s 6’10” and, since he’s really tall, Zack Morris decides he must be good at playing volleyball since all tall people can play volleyball…and basketball.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-09h57m57s48
Meanwhile, Screech is trying to get Mr. Carosi to murder him, which would have saved us all the pain of six seasons of The New Class. Meanwhile, Zack Morris comes in and introduces Gary.
At the beach, Kelly instantly falls in love with Gary because he’s tall. We then get a practicing montage involving the same shots of Gary spiking a volleyball over and over.
In the employee lounge, Kelly can’t wait to get to second base with Gary. vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h01m18s250
Meanwhile, Dumbass himself comes in and drops a container of water slightly to the left of Gary’s foot. Seriously, there’s not even an attempt here to make it look like the water fell on Gary’s foot.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h02m03s205
The vibrations of the water hitting the floor are enough to break Gary’s foot, though. It’s a good thing Lisa’s mom is a doctor because she just happened to have all the materials to craft a cast on Gary’s foot just lying around.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h02m25s158
Mr. Carosi walks by and the gang try to keep him from finding out about Gary’s foot but Dumbass just comes right out and says he’s hiding Gary’s cast. Zack Morris admits that they’re not as good as he claimed and Mr. Carosi tells them they better win or they’re fired. He’s apparently never heard of wrongful termination.
Meanwhile we continue our pointless running subplot about Jessie being a slob.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h04m17s9
Lisa throws all of Jessie’s clothes out the door and they conveniently land on Zack Morris and Slater. Dumbass comes in and tells them he’s found some great replacements for Gary. vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h04m55s133
First up is preschooler Ava, whom I’m pretty sure Screech kidnapped under the pretense of giving her some candy. No, seriously, the girl asks if she can have her candy now. Screech offered her candy if she would follow him back to a strange house.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h05m22s140
Next is Ida Mae Ross, who was on the 1936 U.S. volleyball team, which is why she’s wearing a basketball uniform. She’s along for the ride since her grandchildren don’t visit her at the home.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h05m44s111
Finally is Big Pete because they had to find a way to get a stereotypical nerd joke in there. The gang decide to put Big Pete on the team because there’s no one else in the vicinity of Malibu Sands willing to endear the indignity of this episode.
Back in the employee lounge, the gang look for new jobs in anticipation of being wrongfully terminated. Kelly’s all, “Don’t give up! Motivational speech here! Zack Morris comes in with a telegram from the guys at North Beach because telegrams were how all teenagers (and Casey Kasem) communicated in the ’90s. It’s a smack talking telegram and it’s enough to motivate the gang to practice and inevitably bring this episode to its predictable close. Either that or they’re going to look for Doc Brown’s Delorean that he left buried so Marty could get home. Oh, and it turns out Zack Morris sent the telegram to motivate them.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h08m42s94
It’s time for the game an Mr. Carosi tells them they better fucking win. Big Pete drops out, though, because…plot. Stacey is all, “You idiots forgot I was in this episode and didn’t even ask if I could play volleyball.” She steps in as the final player.
And now it’s time for a volleyball game montage with bad muzak. vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h10m22s72
Screech scores the first goal for Malibu Sands, causing everyone to lose their minds and try to molest him.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h11m38s54
Stacey cheats by flirting with one of the idiots from North Beach, allowing them to score again. There are lots more scores in between but the ultimate, inevitable result is Malibu Sands wins. vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h12m28s52And we close with Mr. Carosi tossing the keys to the Mustang in the air. While the others watch. This is one of those times I’d like to bet we’ll never hear about something again on this show. I imagine Zack Morris missed the keys to the mustang and they dropped in the sand, never to be found again.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Mar 29, 2015 13:29:27 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 5: “Operation Zack”
It took me the longest to figure out where the hell this episode was on the DVDs. Thanks to another inexplicable Lionsgate fuck up, this is known on the DVDs as “Operation Zack.” I trust IMDB more than Lionsgate so I’m keeping their episode title.
vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h21m34s46
We open at The Max where Zack Morris is doing a take-home Algebra test. Since Google hasn’t been invented yet, he’s struggling because he’s Zack Morris and he don’t need no education. Slater, Jessie, and Kelly come in tell Zack Morris to get his ass in gear because he’s suddenly the captain of the basketball team and the basketball rally starts in a few minutes. vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h21m46s162
Instead, Zack Morris wants to send Screech in shorty shorts and a wig worse than William Shatner’s. Actually, considering some of the dumb ass shit Mr. Belding has fallen for, this might work.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h22m38s177
Meanwhile, Lisa can’t go to the rally because her mother is making her volunteer as a candy striper at the hospital. I’m not sure who’s worse here: Lisa’s mother for disregarding the after school activities her daughter has already committed to or Lisa for being a selfish snob who doesn’t want to do squat for others.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h23m35s235
Suddenly, we’ve skipped the rally and gone directly to the championship game. Oh, the coach is little and it’s funny!vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h25m04s90
Mr. Belding seizes the opportunity and tries to kill Zack Morris. Instead, he gives him a mild flesh wound. vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h25m27s63
So, let’s say, just for the hell of it, you just injured yourself at school. Who would you rather have there: your parents or the man who injured you along with the most incompetent person in the history of everything? Well, Zack Morris apparently picked the latter two because, despite having a major injury, we never see his parents throughout this episode. Considering a running gag is that Screech continually physically hurts Zack Morris throughout, something tells me he’d be better off taking his chances with Dr. Nick from The Simpsons than this idiot.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h26m23s125
Mr. Belding suddenly realizes he only gets one year off from this leech for the next nine years. He doesn’t want to live.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h26m36s233
Screech tries to injure Zack Morris some more as he tries to suckle on Zack Morris’s nipple, while Lisa’s mom, who just conveniently happens to be Zack Morris’s doctor, gives the bad news to everyone except his family: he’s seriously hurt his knee and she’s keeping him overnight for observation. Boy, Dr. Turtle wouldn’t do well with HIPPA regulations, would she?
Also, Lisa bitches some more about doing shit. Bleah, bleah, bleah.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h28m43s241
And Mr. Belding suddenly realizes his life has been reduced to being berated by a guy the federal government once mistook for an alien.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h28m55s101
The gang come to see Zack Morris in the hospital and Kelly asks if there’s anything she can get for him. Zack Morris is like, “How about an ex-girlfriend who isn’t a fucking whore.” Lisa bitches some more about doing some shit and Zack Morris gets a massage from a beautiful nurse.
After the gang leaves, Dr. Turtle comes in and tells Zack Morris he’s going to need surgery because that fall in the locker room managed to tear some cartilage. Zack Morris immediately assumes that Dr. Turtle is going to try to kill him for that time he whored out Lisa.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h31m32s137
Mr. Belding, meanwhile, is…doing Zack Morris’s homework for him? You know, I’m pretty sure that he has the authority to either grant Zack Morris a medical extension on his work or else bring his work into him. This…I get they’re trying to do a running gag about Mr. Belding’s guilt over his attempted murder, but this is going nowhere fast.
The gang come in and basically recap everything we just found out about the surgery. Then they go to see him and Kelly tells him they all love him. Zack Morris is like, “I didn’t recall asking for a whore sandwich!”
vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h32m52s153
And Screech tries to kill Zack Morris.
After they leave, Zack Morris falls asleep and has a fantasy sequence where Dr. Turtle successfully pulled off the perfect crime.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h34m09s183
In this reality, everyone in Heaven looks like Screech. I think that’s reason enough to be an atheist. Zack Morris asks to see his friends one last time and, since it is a dream, he gets his wish.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h34m59s157
In memory of Zack Morris. He was the best douche. vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h35m09s245
So Zack Morris is apparently being buried in his locker because…it’s where he keeps his stalking photos of Kelly?vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h35m20s92
Mr. Belding leads the funeral procession of extras to all cry over Zack Morris.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h36m37s120
Kelly and Lisa do a death cheer for Zack Morris. I was kind of hoping it would be the classic, “B to the B, the B, B, B, B!”vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h38m16s85
Oh my god! This is truly a nightmare! There’s two of them now! This is what I get for getting an episode of The New Class without Screech! Now there are two abominations in the world!
Zack Morris wakes up and decides the only way he can keep the world from having two Screeches is to not die, and to not die he can’t let Dr. Turtle kill him.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h39m18s162
Zack Morris’s master plan is to sneak out dressed as a surgeon and, for a guy with a bum leg, he sure does get around well. It’s too bad the staff of this hospital are apparently morons because this nurse believes Zack Morris is really a doctor and that he’s off to remove a guy’s neck. vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h40m01s105
Welcome to the creepy corner, where this nurse wants to commit statutory rape with our hero. Seriously, what is it with this franchise and placing minors in molestory situations? Are there no statutory rape laws in the Saved by the Bell universe.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h40m19s27
And it must have been good for her because Zack Morris comes out with horribly drawn on lips all over his surgical mask. She didn’t even bother to take his mask off before she molested him?
A surgical bed comes down the hall and runs into Zack Morris and then Dr. Turtle catches him and foils his plan. Since she’s the only person in this hospital with any common sense, she automatically realizes this is her patient. vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h41m01s191
Lisa comes in hella pissed off at Zack Morris because he tried to escape the clutches of her mother. They recount the time when they were kids and went ice skating for the first time. They pretended they were figure skaters but then Screech tried to kill them both. Lisa fell on her ass and Zack Morris twisted his ankle and this was apparently enough for them to have to go to the hospital. Meanwhile, the ice broke. Mikey and Nikki fell through and died and had to be replaced by Slater and Jessie. vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h42m50s10
Lisa comforts Zack Morris, telling him nothing’s going to go wrong during the operation. She waits about one second for him to fall asleep before she prays out loud for God to not let her mother kill her friend. Boy, what a comfort you are Lisa considering he probably wasn’t asleep yet.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h44m28s218
Dr. Turtle prepares to operate on Zack Morris as Lisa comes in dressed in a surgical gown. Since all hospitals let untrained personnel into surgery to be with their friends, Lisa decides to go into surgery with her mother. I used to think the writers of this show just had no idea what high school was like. They apparently don’t know anything about the real world at all since Lisa’s very presence in a delicate operation makes it more likely something will go wrong.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h44m57s244
We cut to after the surgery and everyone signing Zack Morris’s cast. Kelly draws a dollhouse with kittens around it and a note that says, “Come home soon.” Zack Morris is all, “I would, but you dumped me for the captain from the starship Enterprise.” vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h45m57s79Slater gets Zack Morris a basketball goal because that’s extremely useful when he has a cast on and can’t easily retrieve the ball. Lisa learned a lesson about helping others because the script told her to so she won’t bitch about doing shit anymore. And our episode closes with Screech trying to kill Zack Morris a couple more times. Something tells me this entire episode took place entirely within the realm of Zack Morris’s paranoia that everyone is out to get him.
Firsts: Dr. Turtle (the female type).
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Mar 29, 2015 13:30:32 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 7: “Check Your Mate”
The opening credits for this one are strange. The pictures from the season two opening are used, but the music is from the seasons three and four openings. I’m not sure what to think about it. If anyone can shed mystery on this, please do let me know. This is definitely a third season episode as Zack Morris and Kelly are broken up and Kelly works at The Max. vlcsnap-2014-10-12-20h52m05s42
You know, when I was thinking about what this show was missing, my very first thought was that they need an episode about chess. Not only that, they need an episode about chess that makes the game out to be this intensely popular sport that schools rally around. I get the writers are probably trying to be funny here, but this episode…
vlcsnap-2014-10-12-20h52m20s194
And I’m utterly shocked that the writers remembered the radio station. With that said, Zack Morris and Jessie are at the chess game…reporting on it? I don’t know. Anyway, it’s “St. Murray’s,” which is a new school in this universe for me, verses Bayside. Mullet Head beats The Plaid Avenger, but it doesn’t matter because we don’t see these two the rest of the episode. vlcsnap-2014-10-12-20h53m23s53
Oh, look, the writers brought back another forgotten relic: Violet! Yeah, the spiel here is that Screech is the star of the school chess team. He hasn’t lost a game since Violet gave him his lucky beret because it’s blessed with magical powers of contrivance. Screech is up next and Violet tells him to do his best impression of a man with the physique of a twelve year old having a stroke.vlcsnap-2014-10-12-20h54m19s95
Yeah, remember all those times two members of the cheerleading squad came to cheer on a chess game? Actually, that might be bad. Doesn’t chess require a lot of concentration?
I am actually impressed. The writers seemed to have read enough about chess before pumping out the script that they knew the actual name of a chess move, the Latvian gambit. Unfortunately, they didn’t realize that this is a pretty tricky opening. vlcsnap-2014-10-12-20h55m10s104
But never mind! This is Saved by the Bell, where it’s possible for Screech to win in like six moves! This means Screech is going to the championship game. I bet you’ll never guess what school he’ll be playing in the championship. It’s the toughest thing to figure out. I never saw it coming. Can you guess what school Screech is going to play?
If you said Hogwarts, the answer is: I wish. That would probably make for a more interesting episode. No, it’s the stock rival for Bayside, Valley.
Suddenly Screech is the hottest thing at Bayside because everyone loves chess players, and Zack Morris smells the possibility of manipulation in the water.vlcsnap-2014-10-12-20h55m34s79 Yeah, the plan is to sell Screech t-shirts and pinch his cheeks like a deformed baby. Of course, since everyone loves Screech, they buy whatever cheap merchandise Zack Morris magically created using his homemade screen printer.vlcsnap-2014-10-12-20h57m05s233
Meet Vinnie and “Guy Guy,” two more examples of men well into their twenties attending Valley. They’re here to flaunt their new Soviet exchange student, Peter, because the Soviet Union allowed lots of students to attend American schools, and Zack Morris and Slater bet them $100 that Screech will beat whoever they send against him. Seriously, why did he have to be Russian? It’s obvious the actor isn’t Russian by his horrible approximation of a Russian accent. Sorry, Saved by the Bell, despite what stereotypes may tell you, not all Russians are good at chess.vlcsnap-2014-10-12-20h57m29s204 Screech is impressed because Peter instantly names off the “Spassky Bishop Block” off as a possible defense against a hypothetical chess move. Turns out Peter is Boris Spassky’s nephew, and Screech says Spassky practically invented chess. Let’s dissect this nonsensical exchange. Borris Spassky was a famous Soviet chess player, winning the world championship several times but famously losing to Bobby Fischer. The Spassky Bishop Block is completely made up, though, so the writers just lost every point I gave them earlier for research. Also, considering the fact that chess has been around since at least the thirteenth century, I doubt Spassky had much to do with its invention considering this was about 700 years before his birth. Screech is just a moron and the writers don’t know how to use an encyclopedia. Also, despite what Peter says, Borris Spassky’s wife is named Marina, not Sophia. Jesus Christ, people, research your damned scripts!
All this fake chess talk intimidates Screech, but Zack Morris, Slater, and Violet convince him that writing cliches confirm he will win at the end of the episode. With a streak of confidence, Screech raises the bet to $300. How can he do that if he wasn’t a party to the bet in the first place? vlcsnap-2014-10-12-20h59m07s164 Oh, look. A ridiculous, unneeded scene that contributes nothing to the plot except proving the writers either don’t know anything about chess or they just don’t understand when a gag is funny or not. Yes, they are doing finger exercises. Yes, it’s not at all funny.vlcsnap-2014-10-12-20h59m54s127 Yes, people are now paying Zack Morris and Slater for pictures of themselves with Screech. What are they going to use it for? To prove to their significant others they’re not as ugly as they seem?vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h00m17s102
In walks Allison Fox from “ChessBoy” magazine. Zack Morris immediately gets a stiffy in his blue jeans for her, but she only has eyes for Screech because she wants him for this bizarre porno for chess people. Um…yeah…
Allison practically puts her hands in Screech’s pants to wank him but Screech doesn’t recognize when a girl is hitting on him because he’s a dumb ass. Allison asks him to lunch at The Max and the gang is all, “Tori Spelling gonna whoop some ass!” vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h02m11s222
After the bell rings, Allison calls Vinnie to conveniently exposit that she’s parts of a plan to break up Screech and Violet so that Screech will be depressed and lose. The oddest part of this scene is that it’s revealed that Allison’s real voice sounds like Shirley Temple if she swallowed a chipmunk. She’s been talking normal up to this point and the writers suddenly gave her a fake voice. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h03m06s230
At The Max, Violet immediately sees that Allison is flirting with Screech, but Violet doesn’t seem to realize that her boyfriend is a complete idiot and doesn’t realize this. Screech lets Allison wear his beret and Allison wants Screech to be the centerfold for ChessBoy since they apparently deal in child porn.. Unfortunately, we will later see parts of Dustin Diamond nobody ever wanted to see and we saw why no self-respecting porno ever actually wanted him in it. The last straw is when Allison invites Screech to the “ChessBoy mansion” to swim in the pawn shaped swimming pool, and he breaks off a date with Violet to go. Violet storms off while Allison tries to steal the beret. Unfortunately for her, Zack Morris still has a boner for her and stops her before she can get away with the beret.vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h05m14s253The girls go to check on Violet. vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h05m26s114
I think she’s taking it well that her boyfriend is a dumb ass. The girls convince her that she’s just dating the dumbest man on Earth and she goes to find him.
Violet finds Screech but is disturbed when he takes his pants down to ask her if she likes what she sees. She storms off again. vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h07m02s51
Mr. Belding likes it, though! The audience lose their shit that Screech takes down his pants because they have low standards like Violet. Zack Morris and Slater come along and inform Screech that, in the roughly twenty minutes since that scene at The Max, Allison has managed to steal his beret, make it back to Valley, take a picture of Vinnie, who seems to be her boyfriend, and herself with the beret, and send the picture with a ransom note. It all makes sense now! Allison is The Flash! vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h08m30s158
Back at The Max, Screech put his pants back on but is depressed and drowning his sorrows in milkshakes. Whoa, Saved by the Bell, you’re getting edgy there! Zack Morris and Screech give him a new beret that looks exactly like the old and he assumes they murdered Vinnie and Allison and took it back. After Screech leaves, they start selling additional berets, because everyone in this episode wants to be just like Screech and grow up to do six seasons of The New Class and a really bad porno.vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h09m47s165
Screech finds Violet to tell her what he found out about Allison but Violet is all, “I’m tired of dating a dumb ass who’s oblivious to everything around him. We’re through! By the way, your beret is a knockoff because I put my initials in the real one to find out just how stupid you are!”vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h11m27s149
At the championship game, Zack Morris and Slater kidnap Peter and take his clothes off him. Slater wants to take advantage of the situation, but there’s no time.vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h12m12s86
It turns out that Peter was wearing the magic clothes from Back to the Future II that shrink to your size. He just happened to have a wig identical to the one Peter is wearing and so, now that he’s done with his felony, he’s off to throw the game.
Zack Morris proves he’s really bad at throwing the game and just resigns the game so Screech can win. vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h14m22s100
Just then, Peter manages to get out from his confinement despite the fact his hands and legs are tied. Zack Morris is unwigged and tells Mr. Belding the truth about everything. Mr. Belding is about to disqualify both schools but Slater assures him Screech and Peter knew nothing about the bet. Uh, actually they did. Remember when Screech upped the bet and Peter was standing right there listening?
Since the episode needs to end, Mr. Belding agrees to let them play as long as Zack Morris calls off the bet. vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h16m07s131
Screech is still depressed and thinks he has nothing, but Violet comes out and conveniently tells him that she did some thinking off camera and realized she will always love him, unless her father gets her a job on a better show and she’s never seen in this franchise again. With a minute left in the episode, Screech wins the game. vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h16m47s11And our episode closes with Zack Morris revealing the hottest new product no one asked for: Screechios, which are guaranteed to make you annoying as fuck and get you jobs on horrible derivative shows that should never have been made.
God, this episode was stupid.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Mar 29, 2015 13:31:17 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 7: “Fourth of July”
We open with Mr. Carosi and his man boobs looking very cross. I don’t know why he looks so angry but he tells us it’s time for the annual Fourth of July celebration at Malibu Sands. There will be staff verses member games, the Miss Liberty pageant, and the fireworks ball. Slater is in charge of the games since he needs something to do and Zack Morris is in charge of the pageant. Kelly decides to sign up because the prize is a $500 savings bond and that could feed her ever increasing siblings for a few days.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h33m46s227
Zack Morris offers a date with himself as a prize if these random extras sign up for the pageant. Since Zack Morris has magical Casanova powers, they automatically do exactly what he says. Stacey isn’t so easy to convince, though, since she has a brain. Zack Morris is charming, though, and threatens to take her mind away from her.
Slater sets up for the obstacle course on the beach while Lisa criticizes him. Turns out they’re competing against each other in the obstacle course so they trash talk one another. Then Screech walks up, wanting to give them both a run for their money and… vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h35m37s15
Sweet merciful Jesus Screech has the physique of a twelve year old. Since Screech is now delusional as well as a dumb ass, he believes he has a muscular physique. He promptly runs into a tube, gets stuck, and rolls the tube down into the ocean. Good God, I just want to smack the shit out of him.
Zack Morris finally convinces Stacey to sign up for the pageant. She has to leave, though, when they get a notice that the Coast Guard rescued Screech. No! Tell them to throw him back in! Damn it, Screech, this is why my taxes are so high!
Mr. Carosi, overhearing Stacey, disqualifies himself as a judge and then appoints Zack Morris as his replacement judge. Wouldn’t Zack Morris being friends with four of the judges be a conflict of interest in itself? Apparently not because plot.
This, of course, sets off Kelly, Jessie, and Lisa all trying to guilt trip Zack Morris into voting for them. vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h38m39s87
Mr. Carosi would rather blackmail Zack Morris into voting for Stacey. He suddenly realizes that someone’s going to be pissed at him.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h39m04s67
In the employee lounge, Stacey comes out dressed…in whatever the hell this is. Seriously, it looks like she’s dressed as a Fourth of July candy cane. Could the costume department not afford anything better for her? Zack Morris senses an opportunity to get laid and lays it on thick for Stacey.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h40m37s223
They prepare to kiss when Slater walks up and reminds Zack Morris with a glare who he really belongs to. Oh, Slater, don’t be jealous. You can always go for Screech. Zack Morris kicks Slater out before he asks Stacey to go to the dance with him.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h41m44s138
It’s time for the Fourth of July celebration and we get…this. The hell? The costume department couldn’t afford a decent dress for Stacey but they can afford period dress? Where are the priorities in this episode. vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h42m23s17
Screech is supposed to be dressed as Uncle Sam, but, instead, he dresses like a hobo and says that this is how his Uncle Sam dresses because Screech’s dumbassery hasn’t quite reached epic proportions yet.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h43m20s79
First up is the obstacle course. Predictably, Lisa kicks Slater’s ass. Slater feels emasculated because OH MY GOD! A GIRL IS ATHLETIC! THIS IS UNHEARD OF!vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h44m24s203 The next event is blindfolded cornholing…oh right, it’s actually the wheelbarrow. It only looks like Mr. Carosi wants to get it on with this guy. And why is Mr. Carosi playing with the members anyway? Isn’t he staff. God, as stupid as The New Class is, at least they got the detail right about Mr. Belding being a member of staff at the country club!vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h44m37s73
But, yeah. They start the race, Dumbass goes off into the crowd, and Mr. Carosi cheats by knocking down Jessie and Kelly.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h45m15s179
Next up is tug-o-war and Lisa is all wet because girls shouldn’t be able to participate in sports! Lisa pulls Slater into the water for no reason. Slater finds being emasculated so sexy he asks Lisa to the dance. Wait…he and Jessie suddenly aren’t dating anymroe? I’m confused! He’s still dating her in the school episodes! What the hell, Saved by the Bell!vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h46m39s250
Now for the pageant and I bet you can’t possibly guess who the four finalists are. Why, it’s Fourth of July Candy Cane, Police Woman Stripper, Curly Haired Statue of LIberty, and the Swiss Miss Girl!
So the contest comes down to speeches about what the Fourth of July means to them. Here’s the breakdown:
Lisa: <insert superficial comment about shopping here> Jessie: Feminism! Liberty and justice for all! White people off Zack Morris’s ancestors’ land! Stacey: Yay, togetherness! Kelly: Yay, quasi-intellectual speech about freedom!
The vote is tied between Stacey and Kelly, so the deciding vote is Zack Morris’s. He votes for Kelly
vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h49m40s41
He votes for Kelly, who’s instantly turned into the court jester. What I want to know is why this voting isn’t secret. Isn’t that a conflict of interest?
Dumbass comes up and tells Stacey all about how Zack Morris and Kelly dated and how she dumped him and she wanted him back because Screech is a complete and utter moron who can’t tell from simple body language that his speech is completely inappropriate. It does produce one of the funniest scenes in Saved by the Bell history though.
Video Player
00:00Use Left/Right Arrow keys to advance one second, Up/Down arrows to advance ten seconds.00:00 Oh my god that’s amazing! I don’t care what the hell else Stacey does in the remaining Malibu Sands episodes. She’s now officially the most amazing character on this show because she tried to do what the other characters should have done long ago: kill Screech. Seriously, I could watch this all day!
Stacey, jealous at Zack Morris and Kelly, breaks off their date. Mr. Carosi then fires Zack Morris for being fair because he’s never heard of unfair discharge.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h51m37s185
At the pageant, Screech quotes a song by The Police all about how the singer is stalking a girl. Screech intends it to be a creepy line about watching him on a date with Lisa, but it actually sounds like Screech is stalking Slater. God, stupid out of context songs putting horrible visions in my head.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h52m24s144
Stacey confronts Kelly about winning the pageant, apparently believing Dumbass’s story that Zack Morris wants her back. Kelly is all, “He doesn’t want me back. I was a horrible bitch to him and dumped him for a college guy so I could get some nice statutory rape action. Then I made him feel guilty for having feelings. Don’t worry. He’s ready for your raging vagina now.” Stacey feels like an idiot for having believed the dumbest character on this show and goes to find Zack Morris.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h53m05s43
She finds her father deep in negotiations with one of the judges who he bribed. Stacey doesn’t find this odd and asks her father where Zack Morris is. Mr. Carosi tells her that he fired Zack Morris since he didn’t vote for her when he was told to. No, seriously, I’m not making that up. He just lets it all out like that. Stacey tells her father he’s a pathetic moron and goes out to find Zack Morris. vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h53m46s194
By Saved by the Bell standards, this is some pretty freaking amazing cinematography. Why don’t they do this more often? Oh, yeah, they pay for as little as they have to. Stacey tells Zack Morris she was an idiot for believing Screech. They make up and go back to the dance.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h55m23s139
For some reason, Kelly went to the dance with Screech, who openly says he’s using Kelly to make Lisa jealous. Screech proceeds to creepily grope Kelly and Lisa is all, “I would murder you if you did that to me!”vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h56m00s246
Zack Morris and Stacey come in. Stacey tells Mr. Carosi that she rehired Zack Morris so he wouldn’t sue him for unfair dismissal. Wow! A writer in the Saved by the Bell universe knows this exists! Mr. Carosi backs down and realizes he’s not going to be rid of Zack Morris until this arc is over. vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h56m46s204
Malibu Sands blows up in pretty colored lights.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h57m02s101And Stacey takes the plunge into becoming the latest girl to inexplicably fall for Zack Morris, the Fonzie of the ’90s. All he needs now is a leather jacket, a motorcycle, and a red-headed side kick and his get up will be complete.
Firsts: Zack Morris and Stacey date.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Mar 29, 2015 13:33:16 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 8: “My Boyfriend’s Back”
We open with Zack Morris skipping off to the kitchen to make a Stacey Cream Pie. Zack Morris hopes this will mean that he’ll finally be rid of his cursed virginity but Stacey just wants to feed him cheese, meat, and butter instead. Oh, and Zack Morris can’t tell Stacey he loves her after dating exactly one episode. They kiss, though, which makes the audience loose their shit. vlcsnap-2014-10-20-13h54m07s145
Cut to the…refreshment stand? I don’t know. Wherever this is, it’s weird they’re getting ready to have an employee meeting here with the only seven employees who matter enough to have speaking roles. Also, Zack Morris and Slater are conveniently not wearing shirts because the producers want all the little girls and gay boys who watch this show to have funny feelings in their downstairs area. Seriously, Slater can be rationalized since he’s a lifeguard but Zack Morris is just randomly not wearing a shirt for no good reason. I guess this is when the producers realized that lust was making the viewers come back. vlcsnap-2014-10-20-13h54m22s39
Mr. Carosi, meanwhile, is having a mid-life crisis and decided to ride an ATV to work pretending to be Evil Knievel. The club is having a charity ATV race next week where members sponsor people to race.vlcsnap-2014-10-20-13h56m10s93 Mr. Carosi is upset that he doesn’t know how to drive an ATV correctly and crashes into a fence that jumped out of nowhere. Slater tries to show off by pointing out everything that’s wrong with the ATV but Mr. Carosi slaps him with a glove and tells him to put a shirt on, hippie!
After Mr. Carosi and the girls leave, Slater reverts to kindergarten mode and makes kissie faces about Zack Morris and Stacey.
vlcsnap-2014-10-24-13h19m21s103
Meanwhile, Zack Morris’s arm pit hair, disturbed that it’s being exposed so much to the sun, tries to make a break for it. Seriously, guys, there’s nothing gay about trimming your body hair before it turns into Cousin It and tries to suffocate you in your sleep. Trust me when I say, that’s a horror movie you don’t want to come true.
Kelly becomes the first person to be sponsored in the ATV race after she brings some neglectful couple their daughter back before she drowned in the ocean and became a Lifetime movie. The couple is so happy they immediately agree to sponsor Kelly to thank her for not allowing their inattention to become known to the world.
Screech, meanwhile, is apparently stalking Kelly’s every move because he’s conveniently standing there listening to the interaction with bad parents of the month. This gives him an idea, which is handy considering he has no sense of boundaries with children.vlcsnap-2014-10-20-13h58m25s164
Yes, Screech picks up a random child and takes him to a random couple who happen to be wearing glasses because all people who wear glasses are related. Screech asks the couple to sponsor him and they’re all, “Fuck off, Dumbass.” God, this is the guy who’s going to be working at Bayside for six years after this series. Good thing the random couple weren’t kidnappers or child molesters. The good thing about this scene is the boy kicks Screech in the leg for trying to abduct him. The kid even runs back to kick Screech again in front of Lisa. Coolest kid ever.
Screech asks Lisa to sponsor him and Lisa tells him she wouldn’t sponsor someone so idiotic that he would try kidnapping multiple children in only a few episodes. She instead, offers to sponsor Zack Morris because someone had to.vlcsnap-2014-10-20-13h59m59s78
To top off the Screech abuse, the kid returns with his brother and a couple Super Soakers and chases Screech around the beach as the extras all point and laugh. Seriously. Coolest kids ever.
Slater comes in and exposits to Jessie he heard she signed up for the ATV race. Jessie is all, “Feminism! Gloria Steinum’s pussy! Women can drive those ATMs just as good as men!” vlcsnap-2014-10-20-14h01m18s109
Stacey comes in to observe them fighting when a stranger comes up to accost Stacey. Turns out it’s Craig, Stacey’s never-before-mentioned boyfriend, and he’s here to turn Stacey into a cheating whore like Kelly.vlcsnap-2014-10-20-14h01m44s105
Slater is all, “Wait till Zack Morris finds out he got rid of one skank for another!” and Jessie is all, “Feminism?”
Mr. Carosi introduces Craig to the other regulars sans Zack Morris as a rich student at Yale. Mr. Carosi is sponsoring Craig in the ATV race because Mr. Carosi is apparently a member and not an employee. Craig tells Mr. Carosi he plans on asking Stacey to wear his fraternity pin. HIS FRATERNITY PIN!?!? No! That’s practically asking the girl to go steady with you!
vlcsnap-2014-10-20-14h03m47s51
Screech tries to distract Zack Morris from seeing Craig by serving dirty rolls to the customers and expressing his undying love for Zack Morris. Screech, though, being a complete moron, spills the entire thing. Zack Morris handles this the way he handles ever crisis at Malibu Springs: by walking out on his job in the middle of his shift.vlcsnap-2014-10-20-14h05m00s22
At the girls’ house, Jessie’s ready to play baseball indoors when she hears the doorbell. She hopes she has the opportunity to practice her feminism self-defense but it’s just Zack Morris here to bemoan the fact that his new girlfriend is a skank whore to his two currently platonic female friends and his ex-skank whore girlfriend. Kelly’s all, “I’m sorry you’re dating a cheating slut again,” and Jessie tells him that she’s sure Stacey will pick him soon.vlcsnap-2014-10-20-14h06m59s148
Mr. Carosi has the gang assembled for a ceremony when Craig and Stacey walk in. Turns out it’s a ceremony so Craig can give Stacey his fraternity pin! Oh my god! They’re practically married now! Tonight they’ll consummate their love with a game of Super Mario Bros. Zack Morris, meanwhile, walks out because he can’t possibly compete with a fraternity pin!
In the employee lounge, Zack Morris is packing his things to go home when Screech tells him that he should date Stacey in his mind like Screech dates Lisa in his mind. That’s not creepy at all. Between kidnapping random children and stalking women in his mind, Screech is beginning to sound more and more like a serial killer. Maybe that’s the real reason The New Class had to change cast so often.
Lisa and Slater come in and give Zack Morris a lecture about not quitting just because his girlfriend is a dirty slut. This makes Zack Morris instantly reconsider. vlcsnap-2014-10-20-14h10m32s244
At the ATV race, Stacey comes up to try and talk to Zack Morris but Zack Morris is all, “I’m still trying to figure out how I could date two dirty sluts in one season.” Craig comes up and smack talks Zack Morris as he tells Stacey to get back in the kitchen and make him a sandwich, which doesn’t sit well with Stacey.vlcsnap-2014-10-20-14h11m38s157
And now our only five contestants are assembled! Yeah, they couldn’t afford more than five ATVs for this episode so it’s restricts to 2/3 of the gang plus Yale boy.vlcsnap-2014-10-20-14h12m26s128
The contestants are off and Jessie can’t control her ATV because she’s a girl and girls can’t drive. There’s the slight scream of “Feminism!” as the ATV heads out of control towards the ocean and Jessie drowns. Kelly’s all, “Haha! I’m smarter than Jessie!”
The race basically becomes a contest between Zack Morris and Craig as everyone else was told to hang back since they aren’t major players in the episode. As Zack Morris is about to win, Craig comes up and gently bumps his ATV, allowing Craig the edge he needs to win the race.
Everyone is all, “Craig is a douche,” and Stacey’s like, “That’s not fair!” but she follows Craig off anyway because the plot demanded it.vlcsnap-2014-10-20-14h13m40s88
Unfortunately, Jessie survived plunging her ATV in the ocean and decided to come back wearing seaweed as a necklace. She’s all, “But feminism power should have worked! It’s to me what spinach is to Popeye or Scooby Snacks to Scooby-Doo and Shaggy or the leather jacket to the Fonz or bad acting to The New Class cast!”
Later Stacey finds Zack Morris on the beach and he finally tells her he loves her despite the fact that she’s a stupid skank whore and he’s only dated her two episodes. Stacey’s all, “I love you, too! I gave Craig back his fraternity pin so now let’s make everything alright so we go on with episodes from this arc!”vlcsnap-2014-10-20-14h15m05s178
Zack Morris is pleased with himself that at least one of his slutty whores from this season choose him.vlcsnap-2014-10-20-14h15m48s75
And our episode ends with Zack Morris and Stacey back together and vowing never to mention Craig again.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Mar 29, 2015 13:34:09 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 9: “Fake ID’s”
Today the gang are taking a photography class and it looks like Screech has found his subject. If he can’t have Zack Morris, at least he can have a consolation prize!vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h14m06s106
Zack Morris, meanwhile, finds his photographic inspiration in stalking random college girls who wander into The Max because they have a flat tire. This is Danielle, and Zack Morris not only changes her tire for her but does the romantic thing and lies that he’s in college so that maybe she will take his cursed virginity. She is so grateful she invites him to The Attic, an over-18 dance club. Don’t worry, though. Zack Morris has a plan to get in.
vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h17m50s51
For some reason, Mr. Belding is the photography teacher. Seriously. There’s not even an explanation that the regular teacher is out. He’s just there because principals have so much time to teach random classes when the producers are too cheap to hire another actor. Oh, and, in case you forgot about Kelly’s whoring ways, Mr. Belding sums it up for us by first staring longingly at Jeff and then recapping the events of “The Last Dance” and “The Aftermath” with Lisa. vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h20m20s2 Meanwhile, Screech makes fake IDs for the guys but he’s such a moron he lists Zack Morris’s age as 54. Why does anyone trust Screech with anything? I mean, seriously, Screech is beyond an idiot at this point.vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h20m41s229 The plan is for the boys to sleep over at Zack Morris’s house and then sneak out after his parents go to bed. Here are the boys looking as innocent as actors on Saved by the Bell can pretend to be.vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h20m56s117
And this woman with the Cybill Shepherd haircut is Melanie Morris, the woman unfortunate enough to have birthed Zack Morris. Screech is such an idiot that he almost blows the entire plan to Melanie. Melanie does a cursory search of Zack Morris’s room to make sure there are no women there to steal virginity, which I’m sure is something she has to do when Screech and Slater aren’t there as well, and, satisfied that her boy will remain pure another night, kisses him and leaves the room. The trio immediately strip their pajamas to reveal horrible looking clubbing clothes that look like they were designed by Ray Charles and depart for…vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h22m05s20
Welcome to The Attic, L.A.’s hottest dance club located exclusively on a reused set!vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h22m57s54
Our muscle bound bouncer here suddenly comes down with a case of Saved by the Bell-itis and can’t tell that Screech’s stupid fake ids are…fake. Zack Morris and Slater get in easily. vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h23m17s245
Even with his fake id and fake mustache, though, even Saved by the Bell-itis can’t get Screech into The Attic until Rhonda Robistelli’s long lost older sister here grabs Screech and takes him off to be anally raped. vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h23m58s142
Meanwhile, Danielle comes in and introduced Slater to her friends, Joan and Sandy.vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h24m07s232
She then proceeds to molest Zack Morris up in the club. They go off to dance as Screech runs away from his new girlfriend because she’s masculine and strong and it’s funny. Slater spends the entire night telling Joan and Sandy all about Jessie until they decide they want to dope her up on caffeine pills and throw her off a bridge.vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h26m52s83
By this point it’s 2:00 am and much past Screech’s bed time. It’s time for Slater to tuck him in bed and read him a bedtime story about how one day he’ll get a job at Bayside with a group of kids even more idiotic than their own gang.vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h27m16s64
Before they can leave, though, they spot Jeff with a girl who is definitely not Kelly. Who would have thought: the guy who dates girls who are stupid slutty whores is a stupid slutty whore himself.vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h27m33s247
Needless to say, the boys are jealous that Not-Kelly got to kiss Jeff before they could.
At school, the boys are half asleep and the girls are bored out of their minds when Mr. Belding starts showing random pictures of his wife. Mrs. Belding apparently resembles a killer whale as Kelly mistakes her for Shamu because fat people are automatically comical. Kelly shows her newest photo of Jeff to Mr. Belding, which just happens to be the exact same photo of Jeff from earlier in the episode, the very one that’s hanging on the wall in the background in this scene. Is there such a thing as self photo plagiarism?vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h29m39s210
After class, the boys reveal they saw Jeff at The Attic. Zack Morris reveals they got in using fake ids. vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h30m20s118
Jessie is all, “Feminism! Patriarchal society! Somehow fake ids make me really upset despite the fact they have nothing to do with my psuedo-feminism!” The gang naturally decide the best person to tell Kelly that Jeff is cheating on her is the guy that Kelly cheated on. vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h30m54s197
Zack Morris is all, “Hey, whore bag! Paybacks are hell, huh?” Kelly’s all, “You’re just jealous of the guy I cheated on you with! How dare you point out that my boyfriend is a slut just like me!”
Zack Morris storms out and Jeff comes out, who’s suddenly very non-committal about a date with Kelly. Jeff promises Kelly they’ll have a date to themselves as soon as he’s had his experience of being scummy just like her.vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h31m55s59 Meanwhile, Zack Morris piles it on as much as possible hoping that Danielle will yet take his burden away from him. They set a date for Saturday night at The Attic since it’s the only place in L.A. to hang out, and hang up as Melanie comes in Zack Morris’s room. Melanie wants Zack Morris to go with his parents to see Peter, Paul, and Mary because if there’s anything kids in the ’90s loved it was seeing ’60s folk bands with their parents. Zack Morris politely declines on account of he wants to get lucky Saturday night but promises to bring him a hot souvenir.
At school, Screech makes fake ids for Jessie and Lisa with the intention that they will join the boys on Saturday to try and catch Jeff being a scum bag and take a photo. vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h34m15s182
After the rest leave, Kelly comes in and actually does the sensible thing, asking Screech if it’s true that Jeff is a scummy ho. Screech starts crying at the knowledge that the eternally loved Jeff-Kelly pairing is about to be broken up after eight whole episodes and Kelly knows that karma’s biting her in her lady boner.
vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h34m55s59
At The Attic, Screech dresses as a member of ZZ Top to fool his man-woman, but she won’t be dissuaded or fooled since every girl’s crazy ’bout a sharp dressed man.vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h35m24s97
Melanie, meanwhile, brings Zack Morris back a hot Peter, Paul, and Mary poster for him to put up on his wall next to all the other ’60s folk singers. Just then, Zack Morris’s cell phone, which he apparently conveniently forgot at home for the first time in his life, rings. Melanie answers it to hear Danielle tell her that she’ll be late to the over-18 dance club where she plans to deflower Melanie’s son.
Zack Morris is paranoid watching for Danielle and keeps cock blocking Lisa. Right as Lisa is about to storm off to find some tail of her own, she spots Jeff with Not-Kelly and lets the rest of the gang know, who are prepared to bound and gag him and send him off to be raped by green skinned alien women. Before they can, though, Kelly walks in. For some reason, the gang try to prevent her from seeing her scummy boyfriend but then they’re all, “Fuck it. Its almost time for the episode to be over. Let’s get this over with!” vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h37m28s38
Kelly walks over and asks Jeff how he could be a lying cheating scum whore after she was a lying cheating scum whore to Zack Morris. Jeff is all, “Kelly, you’re a naive moron for dating a molestery guy like me in the first place.” Kelly’s all, “Oh yeah! Well, one day I’ll marry the guy I cheated on to date you so I really have no lasting consequences! So goodbye forever until I see you at work tomorrow!” She storms off muttering that’s what she gets for dating a guy who could be replaced by William Shatner.vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h38m19s40
Kelly apologizes to Zack Morris for not believing that cheating hos attract and goes off to the restroom with Jessie and Lisa for some hot finger banging. Melanie comes in and finds the boys. She quickly figures out what happened and confiscates the fake ids. vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h40m15s189As she drags them out of the club, Danielle finally walks in. Zack Morris begs his mother for some pussy time, but Melanie is hearing none of it as she doesn’t want this college whore puffing Zack Morris’s magic dragon. Melanie just looks on creepily while Zack Morris and Danielle kiss. She then drags the boys off for spankings and our episode ends with absolutely no consequences for the girls since Melanie didn’t have the predilection to go troll for anonymous tail like they did.
Firsts: Zack Morris’s mother (Melanie Morris).
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Mar 29, 2015 13:35:00 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 10: “Boss Lady”
We open with Zack Morris mocking Mr. Carosi, not realizing that the future voice of Pumbaa is standing behind him checking for head lice. Also, I haven’t mentioned it until this point but there’s been a running gag throughout the Malibu Sands episodes that Zack Morris can’t get Mr. Carosi’s name right. It’s never quite funny and it simply seems to imply that Zack Morris has a Screech level of idiocy.
Mr. Carosi announces he will be gone all day on business and Stacey will be in charge. Stacey promises her father she will give some close, personal attention to Zack Morris, which I assume means hand jobs in the employees’ lounge.vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h22m39s204
Showing how much the gang respect Stacey’s authority, they immediately start playing Frisbee in the lobby of the club, since it’s not like there’s a beach or anything to play on. Stacey comes in and calls bull shit on their antics and tells them they better respect her authority or there will be spankings all around.vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h23m39s26
Meanwhile, this is Mr. Richter, who comes in and wants to hang a picture of his daughter in the dining room for her sweet sixteen party tonight. Unfortunately, Stacey doesn’t know about this as she was expecting a fiftieth anniversary party for the Thornhills. Turns out Mr. Carosi is an idiot businessman and double booked the party. Stacey gets ready to ask Mr. Richter to move the party but he says he’s flying in people from all over the world, which makes her think twice.
vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h25m24s52
Zack Morris and Stacey decide to ask the Thornhills to move their party instead, and it’s a lucky thing for the cameraman that he has the ability to move through solid objects. Some of Max’s magic must still be around on this show! vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h25m36s171
The Thornhills don’t care about Zack Morris’s proposal to move the party to tomorrow night because they have this unreasonable desire to have their fiftieth anniversary on their fiftieth anniversary. Also, Mr. Thornhill looks like he’s ready to savage Mrs. Thornhill after she’s done with that bacon and coffee.vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h26m42s71
Zack Morris decides the best thing they can do is convince Mr. Richter to move his party to the beach, but before he can continue that thought, Dumbass walks onto the beach with the apparatus he needs for his useless, time wasting subplot. Yes, Screech is searching for buried treasure at the beach club! I have to say, little he does surprises me anymore. vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h27m06s57
Until, that is, he goes searching for buried treasure on this guy’s face. Seriously, Screech, you’re like a child. A mentally challenged child. Just because his face is covered up doesn’t mean he’s not there.vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h27m30s33He next uses the metal detector to sexually harass Lisa. He inexplicably discovers a gold coin right next to Lisa. Yes, a real gold coin, and considering the fact that the last time a gold coin was in general circulation in the United States was 1889, it must have somehow managed to stay there undisturbed just below the surface for a very long time. Once again, Saved by the Bell, encyclopedias are your friends! Either that or a very unlucky coin collector was harassing Lisa and dropped the coin. Lisa’s skeptical but Screech is all, “Now you’ll marry me because I’m rich!”
Also, Kelly comes up and starts obsessing over Screech digging holes in the beach. How horrible of him! No one ever digs on the beach! EVER!
Copyright Naples Daily News Copyright Naples Daily News Oh, right. Young children do it all the time, which should be all Kelly needs to know to explain why Screech is doing it. vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h28m10s188
Screech is also beginning to look disturbing like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. He even practically says, “My pretty! Me want’s my pretty!” when he thinks Kelly wants to steal his coin rather than obsess over holes that aren’t her vagina. vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h29m20s113Meanwhile, Zack Morris and Stacey approach Mr. Richter and his daughter, Jennie, about moving her sweet sixteen party to the beach. Mr. Richter doesn’t like the idea, but once Zack Morris gets Jennie’s lady boner up, she’s all for it since everyone wants to fuck Zack Morris. vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h29m47s133Just when Zack Morris and Stacey think they have everything under control, Roberto, the head of the kitchen staff, comes out upset about something. Slater comes out of the kitchen, too…for some reason. Really, it’s never explained why he’s there. He’s a lifeguard! What the hell is he doing in the kitchen? Anyway, as the token Latino, it’s Slater’s job to translate for Roberto since all Latino people speak Spanish. Roberto says that the kitchen staff were promised a raise by Mr. Carosi and they’ll strike if they don’t get it by the end of the day.
After a commercial break, we rejoin Robero and the kitchen staff in the kitchen where Jessie has joined them to spout some bull shit about oppression. Zack Morris tells her to fuck off but she says he doesn’t know what it’s like to be oppressed. Zack Morris reminds her that he’s the racial minority between the two of them and, also, that Jessie is a privileged sack of shit sticking her nose in where it doesn’t belong. Jessie decides to speak on behalf of a group of people who haven’t asked her to speak on behalf of them and demands the raise by 3:00 or they strike.
Zack Morris and Stacey walk to the beach long enough for Stacey to decide the kitchen staff is trying to take advantage of her and they can’t do that because she’s mother fucking Stacey Carosi! vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h32m06s235
After they leave, we rejoin Screech in his insanity, and Lisa decides to join him because she found out the coin was real. They start digging random holes in the sand and the three surfer guys in the background decide all this random digging looks like so much fun they want to dig with their surfboards. All this activity brings Kelly back over, who continues to obsess over hole digging. Also, Screech hasn’t worked once this episode. Why hasn’t Stacey fired his stupid ass yet?
The kitchen staff is fed up with Jessie’s paternalistic meddling and agree with Slater that they’ll agree not to strike as long as they make happen to her what happened to her predecessor from Good Morning, Miss Bliss. Before Slater can relay the message, Stacey comes in and goes all exaggerated bitch mode on them.vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h35m00s188
They get pissed off and sit down for a rousing game of Duck, Duck, Goose.
Kelly comes into the kitchen still obsessing over holes, especially since she realized she has nine of them on her body. Wait, if Slater is being the token Latino and Kelly is obsessing over holes, who the hell is life guarding? Well, I guess little Timmy won’t be living to see another school year! vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h35m38s42
Anyway, Kelly drags Zack Morris and Stacey on the beach, where more holes are being dug! Oh, the humanity! Won’t someone think of the poor sand!vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h35m52s198
Screech and Lisa even drive some heavy construction equipment onto the beach. Now this one is your own fault, Stacey, for not having those two maniacs arrested for endangering the lives of other beach goers by bringing heavy equipment where it doesn’t belong.
Stacey is overcome with anxiety because she decides they can’t hold the Richter party on the beach after so many holes were dug because it would be too logical to, I don’t know, put the construction equipment to good use and fill the holes again before the party arrives. Zack Morris decides that, since old people don’t matter, they’ll just kick the Thornhills’ party out at seven and movie Jennie’s birthday party in at eight.
vlcsnap-2014-11-07-23h13m37s202
The staff naturally volunteer themselves to do the cooking and the striking kitchen staff was nice enough to move over to a corner to make room for them after they had their sippy cups and nap time.
vlcsnap-2014-11-07-23h16m05s153Of course, the gang suck ass at being cooks and everything they make falls apart, which makes the striking kitchen staff very happy. vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h37m58s175
They even manage to make a “Bavarian chocolate cake” that self collapses in the middle.vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h38m14s91
After watching the gang fail spectacularly for a few minutes, the kitchen staff are all, “This episode isn’t going to end unless we intervene, is it?” They go ahead and cook both dinners for the gang because…plot, and the gang is happy.
Now it’s time to pull off both party and, wouldn’t you know it, the Thornhills are such greedy bastards they want the full night for their party like they paid for it or something! Jessie tries to stall Mr. Richter and Jennie but they’re all, “Get out of our way, you stupid, annoying future soft-core porn star!” vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h41m19s139
They come in and are all, “Why are these old people here?” Wait, these were the people Mr. Richter had to fly in from all over the world? Does she not know anyone in California? There’s only like six people there! Anyway, Zack Morris tries to spout a bunch of bull shit to both groups but Dumbass comes in with the coats for the Thornhill party and spills everything. Seriously, coats…in Southern California…in the summer time…did the writers not think this one through much? vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h43m21s66
The gang decide to fix things by getting every lady and man boner in the room erect, which includes Zack Morris dancing with Jennie and Stacey giving Mr. Thornhill’s hopes up. Mr. Thornhill does look a little too excited to simply be dancing with someone old enough to be his granddaughter. I guess Mrs. Thornhill hasn’t been giving him sucky sucky lately.vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h44m36s61
Mr. Carosi comes in and is distressed to learn he sucks at being a businessman. He apologizes to both parties for the mistake but they say it’s okay because they were just getting ready to start the orgy when he came in.vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h45m59s124Stacey convinces Mr. Carosi to give the kitchen staff a raise and Mr. Carosi goes off to walk the beach to think about how one dimensional he is as a character. Everyone continues awkwardly dancing around Zack Morris and Stacey as a slow song comes on and our episode ends with Mr. Carosi nearly breaking his neck on one of the holes on the beach because he apparently doesn’t bother looking down when he’s walking outside.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Mar 29, 2015 13:37:08 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 11: “Pipe Dreams”
I have so been looking forward to giving this episode hell in a schaudenfreude sort of way. It’s one of those episodes you can’t help hearing about, like “Jessie’s Song” or “Running Zack.” Let’s see how it is.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h24m21s255
We open in a tropical paradise where the gang is learning Biology from Doctor Phelps and a menagerie of animals from “the pond behind the football field” that’s never been mentioned before and, I dare say, will never be mentioned again. And what the hell is someone with a PhD doing teaching high school biology? It doesn’t make sense!
No time for any of that, though, because it’s time to play everyone’s favorite game at Saved by the Bell Reviewed…”Where’s Scott Wolf?” Unfortunately, Scott Wolf is nowhere to be found in this episode so let’s find Casper Van Dien instead.
vlcsnap-2014-11-08-19h05m57s95Yeah, there he is, random student to the left of Lisa. I know. It’s not nearly as spectacular as spotting Scott Wolf but for anyone who’s enjoyed making fun of Starship Troopers, it’s nice to know the caliber of the jobs he takes hasn’t gone up very much over the years. He’ll show up one more time, too.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h25m09s217
Doctor Phelps decides it’s time for the students to randomly hold animals. Oh, how ironic! Lisa hates turtles because they’re icky! Let’s send some of the teenage mutant ninja variety to her house!
Now get ready for the introduction of the most important character in Saved by the Bell history! Are you ready? Oh my god, the tension is killing me! Here it is! I hope you’re sitting down…vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h26m10s67
Becky. Becky the Motherfucking Kick Ass Ninja Spy Super Duck! Although Zack Morris doesn’t know that’s her name yet because she’s deep undercover since she’s a bad ass! Becky can take a mother fucking knock on the head from one of Zack Morris’s baseballs because she’s Becky. Becky can can stand smelling Zack Morris’s arm pits because she’s a mother fucking bad ass! And Becky can save children from a burning orphanage because…she’s motherfucking Becky, yo! All hail, Becky!
Doctors Phelps declares Becky’s okay because she’s a bad ass and agrees to let Zack Morris take random wildlife home for the weekend because Becky’s using her motherfucking mind control techniques! vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h26m30s27
In the hallway, Mr. Belding recognizes Becky as the duck who once saved him from a crazed Mylo back at JFK Jr. High! Mr. Belding tells Zack Morris and Screech that Becky is a bad ass and has a name, and exposits a bit about putting in new goal posts on the football field!vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h27m31s111
At The Max, Becky eats with the rest of the gang and one questions why a duck is being allowed in a restaurant when it isn’t being cooked until one realizes two things: one, Max used to keep animals in his pants all the time, and two, Becky is a mother fucking bad ass!
Slater rushes in and tells the gang that the construction people knocked out a pipe when they were putting in the new football goals and oil is spurting everywhere. Jessie’s all, “Feminism! Animal rights! Daffy Duck deserves a home!”vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h28m08s225
The gang lament that the school didn’t really strike oil and imagine what it would be like if the school really struck oil.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h28m26s159
Apparently they imagine that Zack Morris is dressed as his grandfather. vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h28m35s254
And Lisa dresses as a nineteenth century hooker.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h28m48s119
Then there’s their history teacher, Mrs. Kearns, whom the students imagine having enough money to tell her academic don’t matter.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h29m11s89
Zack Morris calls on his butler, Mr. Belding, to tell Mrs. Kearns to go fuck herself before they sick Becky on her. vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h30m08s153
Lisa has random models working for her for unknown reasons.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h30m27s57
And Jessie likes to arrange assassination of those who oppose her political agenda.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h30m51s73 Kelly’s dream apparently is to remain a waitress the rest of her life…I don’t know. Just go with it.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h31m19s92Oh, casual racism, it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other! Yes, Screech is actually trying to be a rich Arab and does the single worst impersonation I’ve seen of an Arab in my entire life. He actually manages to do a worse impersonation than the one Zack Morris did way back in season one. Oh, Screech, you lovable imperial racist who loves the thought of buying Saudi Arabia!
All of this does make one question: is the gang just a bunch of irredeemable racists? Also, why would they get any money out of it if the school struck oil? And last, but most important, complete the cycle! What the hell is Becky’s motherfucking dream, yo?! Becky’s the most important thing in this show! Why, she should be dating Leah Remini and not Zack Morris! Speciesists!
Yeah, they come out of their fantasies long enough for Screech to rush in and tell the gang that Bayside really did strike oil. Oh, what a predictable but improbable stroke of luck using Beverly Hillbillies logic. vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h33m52s95
Mr. Belding calls a school assembly to announce plans for the oil money because…principals always share their schools’ fiscal plan with the students? I don’t know. But this is Dan Grayson, the vice-president of Cal Star Oil, who’s practically screaming villain what with his cowboy dress and Texas accent and love of oil. He’s come to extract the oil and build a “better Bayside.” Yeah all the oil money is going to go to Bayside because, in real life, it would totally not get stuck in the wheels of bureaucracy that is state government and go to fund some study on the consumption of ketchup.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h34m57s218
Back at Zack Morris’s house, Becky is still being her usual bad ass self after having just saved a bus full of nuns from crashing into a run away train being driven by terrorists under orders from Adolph Hitler. Jessie comes over to ask Zack Morris to sign her petition against oil drilling and Zack Morris is all, “I don’t do anything for other people!” She convinces Zack Morris to read up on oil drilling. Also, Zack Morris and Screech confess to a felony after admitting they stuck a para scope in the girls’ locker room to perv on all the naked flesh. How are they not in prison?vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h37m16s71
But Zack Morris has different ideas and he’s beginning to fall for Becy and her awesome kick assery. He only wishes the state would stop oppressing him and legalize inter-species marriage. Finally, Screech does the most disturbing Donald Duck impersonation ever. I think the writers are going for a record for how many times they can creep us out with Screech in one episode.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h39m33s145
Back at Bayside, it’s time for the animals to be released back to the pond. Becky walks like the bad ass she is as she prepares to go rejoin the animal kingdom and do even more kick ass things! Oh, I hope Becky will make a guest appearance, maybe making the Tori episodes more bearable when I get to them soon enough! Lisa conveniently got over her fear of turtles off screen and Kelly randomly decides Jessie’s right about oil drilling.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h39m39s224
Jessie, Kelly, and random nerd Franklin protest oil drilling. Naturally, Franklin just wants to sexually harass Jessie and Kelly. Mr. Belding comes and orders the trio to his office but discover Franklin swallowed the key so he can feel up their cooches. That’s when Lisa comes in and tells them that there’s conveniently been an oil spill and there’s oil everywhere! Oh no!
In the locker room, Screech and Zack Morris dress for gym and…remember what I said about setting a new record for number of times Screech disturbs me in one episode… vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h41m20s204
Yeah. Why, Saved by the Bell!? WHY I ASK YOU!?!?!
Slater comes in covered in oil and tell Zack Morris and Screech about the oil spill. Zack Morris suddenly realizes they don’t know whether the oil got in the pond or not and becomes concerned because Becky is now carrying his child. The three rush out to find out what happened.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h42m23s68
Zack Morris and Screech rush in to Doctor Phelps and…NO! NOT BECKY! Becky, you surely met an enemy you could not conquer: Big Oil! Yes, Becky has expired, the victim of the vicious oil spill being perpetrated by Genghis Khan. As Screech says, Becky is where the oil can’t hurt her now, up in Heaven with great heroes of the past like Barry Allen, the first Flash, and Jason Todd the second Robin, if he hadn’t been resurrected.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h43m25s173
Becky’s death puts Zack Morris and Screech instantly against the oil company, and this sends them, with Jessie, to protest the drilling to Mr. Belding. Mr. Belding actually makes a pretty compelling case, saying that it was just an accident, but Jessie insists that the evil oil company is covering up the accident even though it’s been like fifteen minutes since we even saw the oil company. vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h45m14s245
Slater, Kelly, and Lisa come in and, somehow, in the middle of a giant oil spill, manage to find the exact same animals they were holding in the Biology class because, apparently, there’s only one of ever species in this pond, which must make reproduction difficult. But who cares about them?!?! BECKY!!!!vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h45m48s73
At another assembly complete with parents and everything, Mr. Grayson shows the students a replica of the new Bayside with a new swimming pool and football field because the oil company are also apparently in the architecture business. Ironically, I think this is the first time we’ve actually seen the exterior of Bayside in any form other than the opening credits. The gang start berating Mr. Grayson over getting rid of the pond that’s now covered in oil.
vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h48m42s20
Zack Morris puts some model oil derricks onto the model and proceeds to spray “oil” all over the model because apparently all their case rests on is how bad the derricks and oil will make the school grounds work. vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h48m53s131
Did Zack Morris use Hershey’s chocolate syrup for oil? Jessie finally mentions the animals, and Mr. Grayson does the mean and horrible thing of apologizing for it and saying they’ve already cleaned up the pond because…HE’S EVIL!!!!vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h49m58s17
Mr. Belding says he thinks he’s seen enough of evil Mr. Grayson and declares the school won’t be allowing drilling because Zack Morris’s unorthodox methods have melted their cold hearts.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h49m50s184And our episode ends with the gang congratulating themselves on another hair brained scheme that succeeds.
Now, don’t get me wrong: I am one of the biggest advocates for developing alternative fuel sources, and I don’t believe our current obsession with oil is sustainable, but this episode makes me want to go and buy stock in oil companies. This is such a hypocritical episode and Slater even points out how hypocritical it is at one point when he mentions all the stuff we currently need oil for. What he didn’t mention was producing and airing television shows. So…was Saved by the Bell trying to get themselves cancelled?
But let’s not forget what was important here…Becky. RIP Becky. They can’t hurt you now! Long may you quack!
Firsts: Casper Van Dien.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Mar 29, 2015 13:37:29 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 12: “The Last Weekend”
We open with Mr. Carosi telling the staff that, for the end of the summer luau, it’s a tradition to make sand sculptures, though he hates them. He tells them that he wants them to make sure the sculpture isn’t boring and that the luau is after the unveiling of the sand sculptures. The gang are initially excited about the opportunity to get lots of tips, but Mr. Carosi tells them they have to give ten percent of their tips to him because…plot.
The gang is initially outraged until Stacey does some incredibly creepy things to her “Papa Bear” to get him to change his about the tips. Zack Morris, I hate to break this to you, but it seems like Stacey’s cheating on two men with you.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h19m16s7
In the employee lounge, Stacey comes in yelling at Zack Morris about selling a member mayonaise sunscreen. vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h20m00s187
Apparently he didn’t really, though. It was just a rouse to get the extras out of the room so they could fuck on top of Screech’s underwear. Wait, since when is their relationship a secret? They haven’t exactly been discreet over the summer. It would have been nice if the writers had clued us, the audience, in to the fact that no one except the gang is supposed to know about them dating. There are times the plot holes of this show astound me.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h20m34s5
Oh, THIS is why the writers suddenly decided that the relationship was a secret: they wanted an excuse for a conflict with Mr. Carosi! Because Mr. Carosi is completely clueless about signs that men are fucking his daughter, he apparently didn’t realize they were dating until he walked in on them kissing. Oh, writers, you are so predictable. Of course, it wouldn’t surprise me if this episode was the first filmed and they had no idea how Zack Morris and Stacey were going to play out the rest of the time.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h21m08s100
Meanwhile, Slater and Kelly commemorate over how their jobs are awesome because they allow them the opportunity to pick up hot people. This is beginning to remind me of what it would be like if Johnny Bravo were a lifeguard. vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h21m55s41
Slater is apparently a whore as he willingly flexes for Mrs. Robinson here for tips. Yes, we have old people with no sense of personal boundaries hitting on high school students. How…disturbing.
Wait…I just realized…her name is Mrs. Robinson and she’s an older woman attracted to a younger man. If I didn’t think it was giving the writers of this show too much credit, I would think they were making a deliberate reference to The Graduate, but that would mean they’ve been watching good movies…vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h22m37s212
After Mrs. Robinson leaves, someone is kind enough to throw a frisbee at Slater to inform him that they have a secret crush on him. So THAT’S how you let your crush know you like them! Excuse me while I go to Amazon.com and buy all the frisbees they have.
vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h23m02s203
Rusty from Full House runs up and tells Slater that someone is beating up his friend behind the concession stand. Once Slater goes to break up the fight, Rusty starts hitting on Kelly. Yes, if you ever wanted to see an episode where Rusty from Full House creepily hits on Kelly, then you’ve found your episode! Rusty gives Kelly his…business card…and implies that he wants her to come help him put his PJs on.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h23m43s102 Meanwhile, Jessie is given the task of designing the sculpture, a sand castle, and tell me why he drawing reminds me more of an Ah-Ha! video than a sand castle? Zack Morris decides to get all the members together to build one giant castle because…plot?vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h24m09s114 Meanwhile, Mr. Carosi comes in and is disturbed to discover that Stacey has dared to disobey his parental authority and is still treating Zack Morris like a human being. They argue and Stacey decides to invite herself to move into Lisa’s house with the girls.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h24m58s98 It’s time to build the sand castle and Screech is being a dumb ass as usual.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h25m23s85 Rusty wants Kelly to go to his Little League banquet with him and Kelly’s all, “I don’t want to be like half the love interests in this franchise.” Rusty sulks off because she rejected him and Kelly suddenly feels bad that she doesn’t have pedophilia tendencies. Jessie pours salt in the wound by telling Kelly that Rusty will probably need lots of therapy to get over her. Gee, it’s nice to have friends who encourage you to do morally reprehensible things.
Meanwhile, someone crashes a radio controlled car into Slater’s leg. Yes, his secret admirer is still trying to hurt him. Boy, this is the most romantic person I’ve ever heard of! I’m going to go get a radio controlled car and start crashing it into people I like!
Mr. Carosi also thinks the sand castle sucks ass because it was Zack Morris and Stacey’s idea. Um, actually it was Jessie’s idea if you’re being technical…vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h27m02s50
Zack Morris and Stacey are out for a romantic night on the beach but Stacey is distracted by the situation with her father and so she isn’t particularly perky for fucking. Zack Morris decides there’s only one thing to to.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h29m12s74
Back at Malibu Sands, Zack Morris tries to talk to Mr. Carosi and explain to him the situation that Stacey is his property now. Mr. Carosi is all, “Fuck off. She’ll always be my property!” and storms off.
Mr. Carosi goes on the war path by harassing the kitchen staff since they still had a kitchen set lying around only used once. Zack Morris comes in and tells him it’s time for the staff photo and Stacey wants him in the photo. He decides this is opportunity to reclaim his property.
Meanwhile, Jessie tells Stacey Mr. Carosi wants her in the staff photo. The staff, which has suddenly shrunk in number, gather, and Zack Morris moves people around until Mr. Carosi and Stacey are standing next to each other.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h32m29s249
Next the rest of the staff leave so Mr. Carosi and Stacey will start talking. They realize they’re the victims of a Zack Morris scheme and make up with Mr. Carosi declaring Zack Morris can have her after all.1vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h33m39s170 And they finally take the picture of the staff. I swear if this is all the people it takes to run this club, it must be the suckiest club on Earth.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h33m44s231
It’s time for the unveiling of the sand castle and…assuming this castle is actually made out of sand and isn’t just a cheap styrofoam piece, it’s a sweet looking castle. Okay so it is probably a cheap looking styrofoam piece, but it’s still a surprisingly nice design for Saved by the Bell.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h34m10s240
It even has a drawbridge, a moat with running water, and a radio controlled tank that I assume will fire at Slater’s leg any moment.
Before the tank can attack Slater, a girl starts screaming that she’s drowning and Slater, seeing the opportunity to practice his CPR skills, rushes out to save her.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h35m03s255
But it turns out that the girl was faking it and really Slater’s secret admirer the entire time. She says she was scared Slater wouldn’t like her and Slater’s all, “Of course I like you! You have a vagina and you’re not old!”vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h35m37s80
So Slater carries her back to the beach as they make plans to consummate their new found love.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h36m16s212
At the luau, Kelly’s dancing with Screech out of sympathy since Screech’s dance moves look like the dying movements of a fish dumped out of water. Jessie thanks Lisa for her parents’ tip and Screech is jealous since he assume tip means blow job. Lisa gives Screech a coconut and tells him to go shove it up his ass.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h37m31s191
Slater introduces the gang to Cynthia, his secret admirer. Zack Morris says it’s too bad it took them all summer to get together, but Slater tells him it’s okay because Cynthia just moved there and will be going to Bayside. Sorry to break it to you, Slater, but if she’s not in the opening credits, she doesn’t matter in this universe.
vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h38m22s188
Rusty sits pouting nearby that it’s so hard to find a good pedophile nowadays. Kelly comes over and comforts him, telling him they can be special friends, which cheers Rusty up and gives him a boner. vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h38m34s59
Mr. Carosi comes out and thanks the staff for a wonderful summer. For some reason, a beach club in southern California has to close when it’s not summer, but logic is so hard to find around this universe that I should probably let it slide.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h39m24s50
Mr. Carosi approaches Zack Morris and asks him to please come back next year so he won’t fall into the ambiguous zone with Miss Bliss, Mikey, Nikki, and Max. Zack Morris tells him he’s love to as long as he’s not spending next summer preparing for a spin-off show.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h39m34s153
And they embrace, finally expressing their true feelings for one another. Mr. Carosi tells Zack Morris he better go over and fuck his daughter before she leaves.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h40m31s210
Stacey’s preparing to leave in like five minutes. No, I’m serious. She’s quite literally just sitting around for her last few minutes in LA. They whisper sweet nothings in each other’s ears and promise to see each other again unless the writers forget she ever existed except for a lame ass clip episode in the final season. vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h41m04s25
They kiss one last time, and, for once, the audience is completely silent at a kiss. It’s like the crew put tape over their mouths to keep them from ruining the moment.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h41m50s231
Zack Morris stands alone on the beach, thinking about how he’s going to get his next piece of tail, when his friends join him.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h42m23s38And our episode ends with the six people that matter in the Saved by the Bell universe walking off arm in arm, finally ready for that big orgy.
Other than the lame subplots involving Slater’s secret admirer and Rusty hitting on Kelly, this is actually a really good episode and a fitting conclusion to the Malibu Sands episodes. Really, though, couldn’t the writers have told us Zack Morris and Stacey’s relationship was supposed to be secret, and then actually made it secret? After all, it would have made the beginning of this episode so much less confusing.
|
|