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Post by sbtbfanatic on Oct 1, 2014 7:32:46 GMT
Does everyone have a favorite standup routine that Jerry did on the show? Ironically a few of my favorites are from the show within the show: the name Jeeves, Bozo the clown...
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Oct 1, 2014 7:33:19 GMT
my favorite has to be this one:
The female orgasm is kinda like the bat cave, very few people know where it is and if you're lucky enough to see it you probably don't know how you got there and you can't find you way back after you left.
Not because of the touchy subject matter, just because of such a hilarious and random comparison Jerry makes. So creative. What has to be going through your mind to come up with that? What a great bit.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Oct 1, 2014 7:34:03 GMT
i love this one from the keys:
So, I fly a lot. I like planes. I was on a plane the other day and I was wondering - are there keys to the plane? Do they need keys to start the plane? Maybe that's what those delays on the ground are sometimes. When you're just sitting there at the gate, maybe the pilot's just up there in the cockpit going (mimics looking for keys) "Oh, I don't believe this. Oh my god...I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical, because they don't want to come on the PA system..."Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a little while, I uh...Oh God, this is so embarrassing...I - I left the keys to the plane in my apartment." You see the technicians all running underneath the plane; you think they're servicing it, but they're actually looking for the magnet "hide-a-key" under the wing..."maybe he left it up there somewhere..."
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Oct 1, 2014 7:34:19 GMT
I like this one from The Note:
Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best. "Oh, is he good?" "Oh, he's the best. This guy's the best." They can't all be the best. There can't be this many bests. Someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes, where are these doctors? Is somewhere, someone saying to their friend, "You should see my doctor, he's the worst. Oh yeah, he's the worst, he's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him. No, he's just, he's a butcher. The man's a butcher." And then there's always that, "Make sure that you tell him that, you know, you know me." Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor. What is it, "Oh, you know Bob! Okay, I'll give you the real medicine. And everybody else, I'm giving Tic-Tacs.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Oct 1, 2014 7:34:29 GMT
From The Conversion
Jerry: You know doctor is supposed to be such a prestigious occupation. But
it’s really like one of the only jobs where you have to have your diploma
right up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesn’t it? "I
really am a doctor you know. You think I’m not, just check it out." I don’t
know why they need these little bits of psychological leverage over us all the
time. "Go in that little room, take your pants off, wait 15 minutes, and I’ll
give you my opinion." After that, anyone that comes in with pants on seems
like they know what they’re talking about. In any difference of opinion,
pants always beats no-pants.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Oct 1, 2014 7:35:29 GMT
I like Jerry's bit about the old people backing out of the driveway and at what age they get when they decide they're not looking anymore.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Oct 1, 2014 7:35:46 GMT
i love jerry's standup thing from his cd.. the SCUBA DIVING ONE
"...another sport where ur main goal is to not die. [singing] Dont die, dont die, dont die, dont die.... there's a fish there's a rock who cares don't die, i dont wanna die, don't let me die, lets swim and breathe and live, coz living is good and dying.... not as good" hahaha!!
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Oct 1, 2014 7:36:14 GMT
i like a lot this from the wallet:
Don't you hate "to be continued's" on TV. It's horrible when you sense the "to be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show. You're into the story. Then there's like five minutes left and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it." Timmy's still stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in five minutes. I mean the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I wanted a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm - Can you come back next week?"
and this fragment from the 2nd routine in good news bad news (in fact the routines of this ep are all excelent, but i wont post all here):
(before this he was talking about laundry, and how exciting landry days are for a sock)
.... So they’re showing me on television the detergent for getting out bloodstains. Is this a violent image to anybody? Bloodstains? I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem right now. You gotta get the harpoon out your chest first.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Oct 1, 2014 7:36:31 GMT
From The Bubble Boy
Something very scary and exciting about fire, ah people always run to see a fire. They’re very proud, if they have a fireplace. And I think that’s what smoking is really all about. That’s the power of smoke it’s just this thing (pretends to be smoking) -- ”I got fire right here in my hand. Smoke and fire is literally, coming right out of my mouth.”
And it’s very intimidating to the non-smoker, ‘cause it’s like talking to someone that’s going “my head could open up, lava could explode out, pour right down my face, doesn’t bother me a bit.
And then a cigar is even worse -- I mean a cigar, is like -- “you think this end is bad, look at this wet, disgusting, chewed up nub huh -- How scary is that?”
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Oct 1, 2014 7:36:36 GMT
From Phone Message:
I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw
somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could go "Excuse me, I'm not
in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away." I also
have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam
down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone - "You can't
talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless
phone - "You can't talk to me like that!" (Mimes fiddly button-pressing) "I
told him!"
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Oct 1, 2014 7:36:45 GMT
Here's another good one from The Movie:
Jerry: I always get confused in the movie theater by the, by the plot.
It's embarrassing. It's an embarrassment to have to admit,
but I'm the one that you see in the parking lot after the movie
talking with his friends, going: ``Oh, you mean that was the same
guy from the ... Ohhhhhhhhhh...'' Nobody will explain it
to you. When you're in the theater, you can't find out.
[whispering to imaginary friends seated around him] ``Why did they
kill that guy?... Why did they kill him?... Who was that guy? What
was the... I thought he was with them? Wasn't he with them? Why
would they kill him if he was with them? Oh, he wasn't *really* with
them.... I thought he was with them. It's a good thing they killed
him.''
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Oct 1, 2014 7:37:01 GMT
This one is certainly one of my favourites:
The thing I don’t understand about the suicide person is the people who try and commit suicide for some reason they don’t die and that’s it. They stop trying. Why? Why don’t they just keep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact it’s worse because now they’ve found out one more thing you stink at. Okay, that’s why these people don’t succeed in life to begin with. Because they give up too easy. I say, pills don’t work, try a rope. Car won’t start in the garage, get a tune up. You know what I mean? There’s nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you have set for yourself.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Oct 1, 2014 7:37:24 GMT
That is a brilliant one.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Oct 1, 2014 7:37:38 GMT
rom The Boyfirend Pt 1
When you're in your thirties it's very hard to make a new friend. Whatever the group is that you've got now that's who you're going with. you're not interviewing, you're not looking at any new people, you're not interested in seeing any applications. They don't know the places. They don't know the food. They don't know the activities, If I meet a guy in a club on the gym or someplace I'm sure you're a very nice person you seem to have a lot of potential, but we're just not hiring right now. Of course when you're a kid, you can be friends with anybody. Remember when you were a little kid what were the qualifications? If someone's in front of my house NOW, That's my friend, they're my friend. That's it. Are you a grown up.? No. Great! Come on in. Jump up and down on my bed. And if you have anything in common at all, You like Cherry Soda? I like Cherry Soda! We'll be best friends!
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Oct 1, 2014 7:39:37 GMT
It was funny because in math class we were talking about pilots and I quoted the Keys stand-up and this really cute girl next to me was like "hey, that's true" and then we started talking. thank you, Jerry Seinfeld!
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