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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:03:00 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 6: “Brian’s Girlfriend”
Boy, I missed the country club these past two weeks. I’m so happy it’s back that I think I’ll drown my happiness in a bottle of beer.
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We open with Brian telling Bobby that he got Rachel a big chocolate heart in his continuing quest to break up her relationship with David and copy Scott’s personality as much as possible.vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h16m26s194
But David one upped his would be usurper as Rachel tells Lindsay and Megan that David sent her a solid gold heart necklace. vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h16m41s99
Mr. Belding and Screech enter to tell the employees about a tip-a-thon contest. The club members will tip employees using poker chips and whoever has the most tips by July 4th will have their tips matched by the club. Jesus, this could be very expensive for the club. Is Mr. Belding wielding the same unilateral control over finances at the club as he has at Bayside? This contest is confusing anyway. If the members tip in chips and not money, how do they pay the tips, especially considering these are plain chips without any markings on them? Is the club going to cover their tips as well as the double bonus?
Tommy D and Lindsay instantly decide to pool their chips together and, if they win, spend the prize on something they both want. This is, of course, because the only reason either of them has existed this season is to be the “perfect couple” that is always randomly fighting in subplots. Really, with Scott gone, there’s nothing else for them to do.
Through exposition, we find out that Alison is going to miss the Fourth of July dance. As she leaves, Brian approaches Screech and tells him that he’s fucking sick of Rachel going on and on about her boyfriend and how she loves things from her boyfriend and how her boyfriend has such a large penis. Why, if a person didn’t know better, they’d think Rachel’s dating her boyfriend or something.
Brian makes the biggest mistake of his life and decides to take dating advice from Screech since that’s worked in exactly zero episodes he’s been in. The plan is Brian is going to make Rachel jealous by dating Karen Jensen, a tennis pro played by an actress who was apparently being passed around all the TNBC sitcoms like a well used whore. Seriously, she shows up in The College Years and California Dreamin’ as well. She even gets “Special Guest Star” billing for this episode. Did this girl have blackmail photos implicating Engel in weird sex acts or something?
Tommy D gets a really good tip from a member named Mr. Jayson after he does a really good job on Mr. Jayson’s car. Mr. Jayson reveals that he wants to sell his car for $1,500, which seems like a cheap amount for a classic car even for the mid-’90s, and I’m sure this won’t come back to influence our Lindsay/Tommy D subplot in any way. vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h22m03s240
Screech finds Karen and asks her to take a look at Brian’s tennis shoulder, which I can only assume is a euphemism for give him a mind blowing blowjob. vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h22m30s250
The tip-a-thon continues as this easily impressed member gives Lindsay a ton of chips simply for fashioning her leftovers into a swan. She says that’s the prettiest swan she’s ever seen, which makes me think this woman doesn’t get out very often.vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h23m04s81
Bobby waded into the lake to retrieve some golf balls for a member and didn’t seem to think it would be a good idea to, I don’t know, change his clothes before he went swimming.
At the pool, Rachel asks Brian to join her for a snack on their break but Brian tells her he’s got to go fuck a tennis pro. Karen comes around and starts rubbing Brian’s shoulder, which sends Rachel into a fit. vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h24m06s206Screech tells Rachel something is going on between Brian and Karen but what he doesn’t reveal is that the something is a lame ass plan that we already know is going to blow up.
Tommy D is far ahead in the contest but pisses off Lindsay when he decides he wants to use their money to buy Mr. Jayson’s car. Tommy D says that since his penis isn’t made of rubber and a vibrating motor, he gets to decide what they spend their money on. Lindsay tells Tommy D to fuck off and that at least her rubber penis pleases her.
Bobby tells Megan he wants to use the money to buy a new stereo, but Megan wants to use it to treat her parents to a cruise for their wedding anniversary which…is actually the most selfless act I think I’ve seen on this show to date. vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h25m51s184
Mr. Belding didn’t have anything else to do in this episode so he decides to go swimming and I think I shudder every time an episode shows him in a state of undress. He asks Screech to put on some sunblock and Screech naturally uses Italian dressing instead, pissing off Mr. Belding and sending Screech scurrying away.
Screech sends Rachel to the tennis court to get some clean towels. What the clean towels are doing there is beyond me, but it’s an excuse for her to see Brian and Karen together, which she naturally assumes means that they’re fucking like rabbits.vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h28m34s55
This upsets Rachel so much that she drops the towels and returns to the pool to commiserate with Lindsay and Megan. “How dare Brian date someone else instead of waiting for me to eventually be single,” she tells them. Lindsay convinces Rachel to ask Brian out to the Fourth of July dance because, since she cheated on David with Scott last season, she might as well continue her streak. vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h29m37s177
In sitcom cliche number 453, Mr. Belding fell asleep at the pool and has turned into a hairy, middle-aged version of Hellboy.
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Before Rachel can ask Brian to the dance, Karen asks him and then gives him mouth to mouth resuscitation. vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h31m26s243
At this well signed “Cold Drinks” machine, which I assume contains lots of wine coolers, Screech convinces Brian to take Karen to the dance so that Rachel will be jealous when she sees them dancing. NO! GET OUT NOW, BRIAN! Not that I give a fuck about you and your fling with Rachel, but Screech is giving you cliched advice that never works in any sitcom!
Lindsay and Tommy D make up and Lindsay tells Tommy D that nothing would make her happier than fulfilling his every whim at her expense, thus ending the latest Tommy D and Lindsay fight subplot.vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h33m40s47
After Mr. Jayson leaves Megan a small tip since he only got a glass of iced tea, Bobby goes over to his table while Megan isn’t looking and dumps all his poker chips. He lets Megan think that Mr. Jayson left the tip and she’s ecstatic that she has a chance to win the contest.vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h34m08s72
To round out our Mr. Belding has a sunburn subplot, Mr. Belding comes to the Fourth of July dance with a cream pie on his face.
Mr. Belding announces that Megan won the tip-a-thon. She goes to thank Mr. Jayson for the good tip but he tells her that it wasn’t him. vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h36m13s44
Brian and Karen dance to some muzak and Rachel, upset that Brian would dare date a girl while he’s single, gets up and runs out of the room.vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h36m37s0
Brian suddenly realizes that Screech sucks ass at giving dating advice. He tells Karen the truth.vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h37m37s111
Karen promptly throws a plot convenience glass of water on Brian to thank him for the wonderful sentiment of using her like a misogynistic jackass to make Rachel jealous. Brian finds Rachel and tells her the truth. Rachel, rather than telling Brian he’s a selfish jerk who should fuck off, tells him he should have just told her the truth. After all, she’s cheated on David once before; why not again?
Megan figures out it was Bobby who left the big tip for her and says that’s the nicest thing anyone’s every done for her. Actually…that may be the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for anyone in this series so far. Really, it’s a very selfless thing and Bobby didn’t want recognition or to get his dick wet. He was content to let her believe Mr. Jayson did it. Oh my god, someone on this show wasn’t an asshole! vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h39m40s56
The country club blows up in pretty colors.vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h40m12s127
Alison comes back because she didn’t want to spend the Fourth of July without Screech given how close and intimate they’ve become over the last three weeks. God, will they be getting married next week?vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h40m36s114
Rachel officially seals her “cheating on my boyfriend” status with a kiss for Brian, and the audience is mildly amused. Seriously, they were more impressed when Kelly gave Slater a pop kiss on the cheek.
How is it everyone in this episode is an asshole, an idiot, or both except for the character who’s usually an idiot?
Firsts: Someone on The New Class is selfless, Brian and Rachel hook-up.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:03:28 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 7: “The People’s Choice”
We open with Lindsay, Megan, and some extras locked out of their chemistry room because their teacher hasn’t shown up. They’ve called Screech to open the class but, in the meantime, Megan seems to think that pulling on the door really, really hard will open it. Sorry, Megan. She-Ra you are not.vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h07m52s89
Since Screech is an idiot, he hears “unlock the Chemistry room” as “there’s a fire burning out of control.” So, rather, than pull the fire alarm and evacuate, he shows up with a fire extinguisher to put out the non-existent blaze. Screech is pissed off that they would dare expect him to do his fucking job.vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h08m40s8
The boys come down and Tommy D and Brian want Screech to fix their squeaky locker. Okay, that’s not his job but he can pass it off to someone who can do something about it.
Next, Mr. Belding wants Screech to help him put together the booklets for his PSAT review session. Screech is pretty upset that Mr. Belding would dare ask an administrative assistant to do secretarial duties despite the fact this is what an administrative assistant does. What did Screech think this job would entail: sitting around masturbating with the gang all day? vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h09m39s129
Milton and Ron come around with the latest issue of the Bayside Breeze and are upset no one wants to read thrilling headlines such as, “Retainer Found on Cafeteria Tray.” Mr. Belding suggests they talk to their faculty adviser, to which Ron tells him that their adviser quit. Um, I’m pretty sure that would mean they wouldn’t be able to run the paper anymore since school activities do require an adviser.
Screech convinces Mr. Belding to make him the new newspaper adviser because…plot. vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h10m39s204
At The Max, the gang is taking a love quiz from Hip Teen magazine and we’re back to tired cliches of Bobby trying to get it on with Megan and Megan rejecting him, despite the fact that we’ve had three episodes in a row where their romance seems to be kindling.
Screech comes in and recruits the gang to be the new staff on the newspaper because their experience reading Hip Teen magazine means they’re qualified to improve the paper. The gang are all, “Sure, otherwise we won’t have anything to do if Milton and Ron get all the glory!” vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h11m55s207
We’re back at Bayside where Lindsay, the new sports reporter, is interviewing Spike about the upcoming state football championship in San Francisco. You’ll notice that Spike’s been on the team so long he’s outgrown his jersey. That’s what happens when men in their thirties play on high school football teams.
Brian is assigned to be the advertising manager but he can’t convince any of the school clubs to buy advertising space. Um, that’s because you’re fucking trying to get a bunch of high school kids to buy advertising space! As I recall, my school paper featured advertisements from local businesses hoping to increase their share in the teen market. I think there’s a certain restaurant our regulars are constantly at that may buy space!
Next Lindsay interviews a member of the girl’s swim team about their year. Bayside is tied with Valley for first place but it just so happens that, as the interview is going on, another member rushes in to tell her that Valley lost to “Ruse-a-velt,” which means Bayside gets to go to the state swimming championships in San Diego.
Gee, where do I start. First of all, I’m sure they meant “Roosevelt” but the actress they brought in off the street didn’t know how to pronounce the name of a school that also happens to be the surname of two former United States Presidents. As a result, they pronounce it the way any eight year old who grew up in Asia and is now learning English would.
Second, I’m pretty sure that, if Bayside and Valley were tied, the championship would just be between the two of them. What changes just because Valley lost a game? Bayside and Valley are still the two best teams in the state. What’s sad is there’s not even a reason for this plot hole as they could have just said the fucking swimming team was going to the state finals. vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h13m11s207
But there’s no time for logic and reason as photo editor Bobby takes the duo’s photo for the paper.vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h13m47s38
In the journalism room, Brian is prostituting himself to Claire in order to get the chess team to buy advertising in the paper. Since he’s following in the steps of blonde Saved by the Bell assholes before him, he tells her how pretty her eyes are and she buys space because complimenting a woman is all it takes to get her to spend money.
Tommy D is the food critic and, naturally, he completely sucks at the job because he’s almost as much an idiot as Screech. But don’t worry. This plays no further role in the episode. Also, it seems Screech fired Milton and Ron for being Milton and Ron since they’re not in the journalism room and they’re not seen again in this episode.
Lindsay comes in and tells the gang that the swim team can’t go to the finals in San Diego because the athletic department is spending all their money to send the football team to their championship. I call bullshit since any competent school district will find money to send any team to a state championship because it makes for good publicity. This is the Saved by the Bell universe, though, where no one is competent and Screech suggests they use the lead story to ask why the boys get to go to their championship and the girls don’t. This means missing the PSAT review session which is apparently mandatory because Mr. Belding is feeling so alone and left out in this episode, so Screech writes them all passes to get out of it.
Megan tells Screech that he’s pretty hip and Lindsay tells him he’s the best faculty adviser ever, which gives Screech a big head and automatically makes him assume he’s getting some underage poon tonight.vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h15m58s72
The next day, the bell rings and all the extras magically have papers already because Max came back and used his shitty magic to allow them to finish the paper, print it, and distribute it all in one night. vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h16m44s25
They decide the fact that people are reading the school paper means it’s a big hit and Rachel tells him they couldn’t have done it without him since he drafted them into joining the paper and all. Screech hasn’t learned his lesson from the last scene and once again interprets this in his favor for underage encounters.
Mr. Belding comes down and tells them he’s disappointed they couldn’t make his review session because it gets really lonely with only the extras around. Screech assures him they’ll be at the next session.vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h17m16s96
Meet Mr. Doyle, Bayside’s athletic director. He wants to talk to Lindsay about her article because…she’s such a shitty journalist she didn’t bother getting the school’s side of the swim team story before writing her article? I don’t know. Let’s just pretend for the sake of my sanity that this all somehow makes sense.
At The Max Brian continues prostituting himself to Claire, who seems to be the treasurer for every stereotypical geek club in existence. vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h19m11s212
Meanwhile, Megan meets some guy in a horrible disguise whose name is apparently “Noogie.” I’m going to assume he wears the baseball cap to prevent others from giving him noogies. Somehow he knows Mr. Doyle is spending all the money to send the football team in first class accommodations to the state championship. Noogie tells Megan to follow the plot thread, or, in the case of The New Class, pretend it will all come together in the end.
Back in the journalism room, the staff discuss Noogie’s revelations. Tommy D wonders what’s wrong with the football team getting special treatment since he’s on the football team.
BULL FUCKING SHIT!
The New Class did two episodes about the football team last season and Tommy D wasn’t involved in either of them as a team member. What’s more, it was a plot point that Tommy D hates sports. Are we expected to believe that Tommy D’s personality has done a complete 360 in less than a season? I guess Tommy D’s hatred of sports went the same direction as Rachel’s date with Scott.
Mr. Belding comes in mad because the gang missed another PSAT review session. He tells them the PSAT is an important test that could determine the college they attend. Uh, no it won’t. There’s a reason PSAT stands for “Preliminary Scholastic Aptitude Test.” It’s basically a practice test for the SAT. As I recall, the only possible thing you can get out of it is a scholarship if you do amazingly well. It only tells you what you need more practice in for the SAT. Colleges don’t look at the PSAT at all. So bull shit on this subplot.
Screech goes to Mr. Belding and asks him to postpone the PSAT for his six lackeys because he wants to be cool. Mr. Belding tells him to fuck off because lots of people do well academically while engaging in extra-curricular activities. Mr. Belding tells Screech that, since he hasn’t had a substantial role in the episode so far, he’s not getting involved now.
Screech returns to the journalism room and the gang tell him Tommy D found a $700 receipt for snacks on the bus to the football championship. Screech tells them that the newspaper is being shut down for now because he’s going to force them all to study for a minor standardized test that will probably have no bearing on their future. vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h25m30s169
The gang are pissed at Screech but there’s no time for that because we need a PSAT study montage.vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h26m14s93
Complete with Screech hitting his students on the head with a plastic bat. vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h26m36s60
And hiding in their lockers.
But the studying pays off when they take the PSAT the next day because…they felt prepared? Yeah, we never find out how they actually did so this subplot was only around to waste time and bore us to tears. Oh, and the PSAT is proctored by Screech and Mr. Belding because school principals and administrative assistants always administer standardized college tests.
The gang are suddenly glad that Screech made them study but they decide to pull together and put the paper out by engaging in a Screech plan, because those always work out so well.
The plan involves Tommy D telling Mr. Doyle that he can’t go to the state championship because his parents are out of town and his grandfather won’t sign the permission slip. Mr. Doyle is distressed since Tommy D is their star player. Yeah, he went from hating sports to star player in less than a season. Mr. Doyle wants to talk Tommy D’s grandfather into letting him go. vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h28m53s150
Unfortunately Tommy D’s grandfather is Screech in a bad disguise. Since all adults in the Saved by the Bell universe are morons, Mr. Doyle falls for the ruse and ends up confessing the whole thing when Screech expresses concern at the conditions the players will be staying in during the championship. The rest of the gang is hiding behind Mr. Belding’s desk with a tape recorder and camera when Mr. Doyle expresses some misogynistic sentiments. vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h30m56s93
They snap his photo for the paper.vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h31m22s96
And the editors can’t maintain continuity past the scene change since it appears Mr. Doyle was so helpful in getting word of his nefarious ways out that he posed for a second photo.
Mr. Belding is pleased with the work of the paper, says that the swim team is going to the finals, and says if he has anything to do with it, Mr. Doyle will be fired and sent to Screech’s bedroom for hot passionate fucking. All turns out well.vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h33m19s251And Claire wants to fuck Brian. So this train wreck of a show is over for another week as the gang go to write the next issue of the paper. Twenty dollars says they never mention the paper again, at least in this iteration of the cast.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:04:03 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 8: “Rachel’s Choice”
Last week we found out that Screech is the people’s choice. Thank goodness this week he’s not Rachel’s choice or I’d have to call the authorities. vlcsnap-2014-08-20-18h56m24s28
We’re back at the country club, where Rachel and Brian are enjoying a nice romantic picnic on the golf course. They whisper sweet nothings to each other while nearby golfers try to hit them with stray golf balls. I’m not entirely convinced this was by accident. Also, Brian tells Rachel she should try out for the tennis team. I wouldn’t even mention it except it comes up again in the episode.
Lindsay and Megan arrive and tell Brian that Mr. Belding wants to see him at the pool. After he’s gone, they bring up the obvious question: what’s she going to do about that one guy, what’s his face, who everyone keeps saying she’s dating even though he’s never been seen. Rachel says she’s hoping to enjoy cheating until he gets back from Europe and it would be a shame if some stupid hack writer decided to do a cliched episode that would make this a point of conflict. Megan also says that Rachel and David have been dating for two years, which officially seals Rachel’s status as a serial cheater since that means she was cheating on David with Scott last year. vlcsnap-2014-08-20-18h57m49s105
Mr. Belding’s big emergency he needs Brian’s help for is he can’t figure out how to fill up a child’s floatie. Turns out he didn’t open the valve. Hilarious stuff right there. Why was Mr. Belding filling this up to begin with?
The only other purpose of this exchange is so Brian can ask Mr. Belding if he can use the employee lounge to throw Rachel a birthday party Saturday. Mr. Belding tells him it’s okay as long as it advances the plot.
After a cut to the same scene where Mr. Belding has finished blowing up the floatie, Screech comes up and declares an emergency. He also causes the floatie to deflate by ripping it out of Mr. Belding’s hands. Oh, the horror! Yeah, Screech’s emergency is that a couple has quit the club for another club. This brings the number of couples who have left to three in one month. vlcsnap-2014-08-20-18h59m21s255
Even though I’m pretty sure this is not a task for two temporary summer workers, they decide that, since Screech took a single film making class at Cal U, he should make a promotional video to rival their competitor’s video, which they’re sure is the reason people are quitting and not because of the utter incompetence of the staff. vlcsnap-2014-08-20-18h59m32s117
Screech’s solution is to dress as Robin Leach meets Gavin MacLeod, who’s supposed to be a member of the club.vlcsnap-2014-08-20-19h00m01s149
He’s being serviced by Tommy D the Beefeater.vlcsnap-2014-08-20-19h00m18s65
As well as Lindsay dressed as Tina Turner. vlcsnap-2014-08-20-19h00m25s156
And Megan dressed as the housekeeper from Beauty and the Beast.
A stranger pulls up and Bobby’s such an idiot he thinks the video is working even before they distribute it. vlcsnap-2014-08-20-19h01m12s92Oh, no! It’s David, conveniently come home from Europe early to surprise Rachel! Everyone knows him. Even Screech. It’s implied that his time at Bayside overlapped the time of the Zack Morris gang.
Lindsay and Megan rush off to find Rachel before David does. They send Brian on a wild goose chase to count the towels and David finds Rachel. vlcsnap-2014-08-20-19h02m35s131
This is Sarah Lancaster’s best surprised face. Those acting lessons are really paying off!
Rachel finds David and introduces him to Brian. We’re supposed to think David is a jerk because he doesn’t remember Brian’s correct country of origin, mistaking him for Australian. David decides to throw a birthday party for Rachel in the club ball room because…the writers want to show him one-upping Brian without even realizing it. vlcsnap-2014-08-20-19h04m17s156
Meanwhile, Screech is still making his stupid video, and he’s now outright lying as he sets up in the sand trap and says the club has a beach. Mr. Belding comes up and tells Screech to cut this shit out before they get sued. He says he wants a real club video with real club locations, real club members, and the Real Ghostbusters. Real.
Rachel and Brian go for a walk, and Brian is upset that Rachel won’t tell her boyfriend about her other boyfriend. Rachel says she needs time to figure out which boyfriend she wants to keep, and a dejected Brian watches as Rachel goes back to the guy she’s cheating on.
At the restaurant, David and Rachel have lunch. David likes talking about himself and his prospects of a possible career in football. Rachel is like, “Can’t we talk about me and tennis?” and David is all, “That’s so cute that you have independent aspirations of your own!” Uh, oh! We’re supposed to hate David even though most of the male characters in the Saved by the Bell universe think this exact same way.
Brian sees Rachel kiss her boyfriend and tells Sreech and Bobby he’s fucking sick of her kissing her boyfriend and not him. Screech volunteers to get overly involved in his students’ lives once again as he hatches a plan to get Brian some poon time with Rachel.
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The plan? Make David a part of Screech’s stupid video. The premise is that David drives up and is greeted by Tommy D. Tommy D is so stupid, though, that he can’t get his line right, even after a couple dozen takes.
This gives Brian time to move in on Rachel. Brian’s all, “Dump David for me!” Rachel tells him, “Okay! But first go away so I don’t have to tell him right now!” Brian goes away dejected that he’s not the center of Rachel’s existence.
Meanwhile, David is getting sick of Tommy D’s stupidity. As Screech takes Tommy D aside, Bobby, showing he’s even more of an idiot, exposits for Brian every single little detail of the plan, Brian meeting Rachel, and Rachel cheating on him with Brian. David promises Bobby he won’t say anything, which of course is a fucking lie so let’s hate David even more!
At the pool, Rachel tells Lindsay and Megan she’s going to tell David how she feels about Brian. David arrives, sending Lindsay and Megan scurrying around for their next whatever the hell they’re doing in this episode moment. Before Rachel can tell David the truth, he tells her a bunch of shit about Brian talking smack about her and telling David all about Brian and her. Rachel’s all, “This changes absolutely everything! I love you, now David!”
After a commercial break, Mr. Belding tells Screech to take footage of Rachel’s birthday party because that’s what prospective members want to see: footage of an employee’s birthday party.
Rachel sees Brian at the Cold Drinks machine and tells him in a calm and collected matter she’s decided to stay with David. Funny that Rachel was supposed to be offended about the smack David told her just one scene ago but now she just looks like a tired actress in a shitty series ready to go home for the day.
Screech and the gang sans Brian and Rachel discuss everything we just saw in excruciating detail. It comes out that Bobby was the dumb ass who told David everything and their collective intelligence allows them to deduce that David was lying about Brian. Screech decides it’s time for another plan to interfere in his students’ personal lives. vlcsnap-2014-08-20-19h13m57s52
At the party, David invited a bunch of club members who don’t know Rachel or that the party is for Rachel’s birthday. Oh no! Let’s hate David!
vlcsnap-2014-08-20-19h15m07s7Lindsay and Megan give Rachel her birthday present: a pair of wireless headphones that I’m not sure existed in the early ’90s. Screech pulls David away as Rachel puts on the headphones.
Screech tells David that he knows David lied about Brian. David tell Screech that Rachel’s an idiot and will believe anything he tells her so nothing Screech says can make a difference. But, oh no! Tommy D is hiding behind some plants with some broadcasting equipment they just happened to have! And the equipment broadcast directly to Rachel’s headphones so she heard everything! Let’s hate David! vlcsnap-2014-08-20-19h16m35s93
Mr. Belding comes out with a birthday cake for Rachel.vlcsnap-2014-08-20-19h17m19s28
Rachel wishes for the cake all over David. With twenty seconds left in the episode, she tells Brian she’s sorry for believing her boyfriend over her gigolo. They kiss and make up so I guess this means Rachel’s down to one boyfriend now!vlcsnap-2014-08-20-19h17m52s106Firsts: Brian and Rachel date.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:05:20 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 9: “Belding’s Prank”
We open with Tommy D coming down the stairs to meet Brian and Bobby. The audience quite literally has a fit that Tommy D has graced us, the viewer, with his presence for only the twenty-second time. I’m wondering if, at this point, the producers were desperately trying to turn Tommy D into the heartthrob of the series.vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h22m51s243You’ll probably recognize Milton and Ron here but the middle nerd is a new one named Stanley. If he looks familiar to you, he should. We met him two weeks ago as “Noogie.” Yeah, the producers couldn’t go two weeks without reusing actors as new characters. Maybe Noogie had to go into witness protection after he blew the whistle on the athletic director.
Our nerds are here to play the most cliched practical joke ever on our three male leads: joy buzzers. Yes, The New Class is now recycling plots from way back in Good Morning, Miss Bliss as it’s prank week at Bayside.
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In a bizarre boundary crossing move, Mr. Belding is also in on prank week as he gives the boys fake detention, suspension, and expulsion just to see the looks on their faces. The boys are naturally depressed that they were fooled twice in a row, once by the nerds and the second time by the most insane principal in the country. vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h23m58s162
Screech enters to tell Mr. Belding the new superintendent wants to visit Bayside. Mr.Belding, remembering how Screech pulled a prank on Miss Bliss six years ago, assumes this is also a prank and puts Screech in charge of the “school shaper-upper committee,” which is tasked with the all-important job of counting the chairs. I’m more amazed, though, that the writers are acknowledging Mr. Belding has a boss.vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h24m53s26
In the second most cliched practical joke ever, the boys take a page from Screech’s ability to fool Miss Bliss and fill Megan and Rachel’s lockers with fake snakes. They scream like Jason and Freddy both jumped out of their lockers ready to eat their souls. Lindsay gets different treatment, though, when Tommy D ties her book to the inside of her locker. Oh the horror!vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h25m51s0
In Mr. Petrie’s science class…I don’t know how to describe the scene before me. Milton, Stanley, and Ron are in a circle around chickens dancing to the funky disco styling of Disco by Muzak.
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The chickens just look confused like, “What the fuck do these morons expect us to do right now?” and plot for an excuse to go all Alfred Hitchcock on their asses. What we are witnessing is apparently an experiment in which our nerds seek to show that chickens who dance disco produce larger eggs. Except…the chickens aren’t dancing disco. They’re standing around looking confused and questioning why they’re on a lame, unfunny, and unneeded television spin-off. Television writing 101: if you’re going to create a scenario, at least have the decency to make sure the situation you describe through dialogue is actually occurring. vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h26m38s220
Up next are our male heroes, who seek to show how weather affects nature…using recordings of bird calls and a toy elephant and giraffe. This is just fucking bad. This is like a Zack Morris last minute “pulled out of my ass” experiment.vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h26m58s154
To make things worse, the girls have chosen to get revenge on the boys for mildly inconveniencing them by…sabotaging their science project. Come on, it may be a shitty little science project but it’s still their attempt to get a good grade. I think we’re seeing the importance here of making sure the proportion of your revenge matches the action you’re seeking revenge for. Otherwise, you come off looking like an unlikable asshole, as in the case of the girls. vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h27m46s130
In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech dusts all the frames like a douche and then manages to get his feather duster stuck in the dot matrix printer. Mr. Belding’s secretary must be on vacation that day because Mr. Belding’s phone rings from an outside line and Screech answers it. It’s the superintendent calling again to establish what was already established a few minutes ago: that he’s coming to inspect Bayside. Mr. Belding comes in and, still under the impression it’s a prank, mildly insults himself by suggesting that Bayside is turning into a clown college.vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h29m00s109
Screech starts crying at the realization that his boss is a fucking moron. Mr. Belding realizes that Screech’s tantrum probably means that this isn’t a prank and they get about rectifying the most pressing issue at Bayside: ensuring that a plumber is called to unclog the sink in the girl’s locker room. I’m glad they have their priorities in order. vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h29m39s237
Ron and Stanley pick that moment to come in and reveal they’ve decided to follow in the long Saved by the Bell tradition of running around school in their underwear since their clothes have been strung up on the flag pole. vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h30m02s216
Mr. Belding decides he has to call off prank week before the superintendent arrives, but not before he finds out Screech somehow wired water into the intercom microphone. I think that’s both dangerous and impossible. Is Screech trying to kill Mr. Belding now? If Mr. Belding didn’t make prank week an official school sponsored event, he wouldn’t have this problem.
The boys hear the announcement about prank week being cancelled but decide to prank the girls anyway since they won’t be expecting it. Unfortunately, by means of contrivance, the girls just happen to be hiding behind some mats and overhear the entire thing. They decide that, if the boys aren’t quitting, neither are they.vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h31m08s105
And in walks the world’s best dressed plumber, Lou Jaworski, who explains that he just came from the “Golden Plunger” awards, because plumbers have comical sounding industry awards in this universe.
The girls tell the boys that Lou is actually the superintendent and tell them to undo what they did, which was apparently installing green slime in the girl’s locker room sink. Good lord this scene is taking forever.
Screech comes in to prolong the scene even further when the boys tell him that Lou is the superintendent. Since a comedic misunderstanding is needed, Screech assumes that Lou is the superintendent while Lou assume Screech knows he’s the plumber and just has lots of respect for his industry. Screech takes Lou off to meet Mr. Belding.
At The Max, Mr. Belding and Screech treat Lou to lunch and still don’t think anything is up when he says he gets paid by the hour and when Lou seems to know about the problem with the girl’s locker room. The girls decide to take advantage of Mr. Belding’s presence to go back to school and play their own practical joke.
Screech also rushes back to Bayside to chew out the plumber for being late.vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h34m16s189
The girls have cawking pillows underneath lab coats that are supposed to be chickens. They run into Bobby, who realizes what’s going on, and the boys decide that their prank is back on. vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h35m18s50
Stanley encounters this man, who says he’s Superintendent Stollman and that he’s looking for Mr. Belding. Stanley directs him to Screech and runs off really fast because he’s tired of being in this episode. Screech, in more wackiness, assumes that, because Mr. Stollman’s shirt is dirty, he’s the plumber. Oh, wacky classism! vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h37m12s164Screech brings Mr. Stollman to the girl’s locker room, where he’s slimed by the boy’s prank. After engaging in some more wacky misunderstandings, Screech finally realizes who the superintendent is. Screech takes him to the boy’s locker room to clean up, where he’s promptly mauled by wild disco-crazed chickens. Mr. Belding comes in with Lou and figures out all these wacky misunderstandings.
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And Mr. Stollman comes out covered in fake feathers.
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After a commercial break and some rehashing of everything that’s gone on so far in this episode (in case you were comatose or just fell asleep out of sheer boredom), Mr. Belding comes out with a box full of his belongings and says he’s been fired.vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h41m42s46We cut to The Max, where Mr. Belding is now a waiter because there were no other jobs available in Los Angeles for an educator with an administration degree. The gang all feel guilty and bleah bleah bleah.
Mr. Stollman holds an assembly to announce the new principal because superintendents always personally announce their new hires to the students. Mr. Stollman announces Mr. Belding is the new principal and, how wacky! It was a prank from Mr. Belding to teach the students the value of respecting his authori-tay. Mr. Belding decides that, because the gang felt guilty and learned a valuable lesson, there’s no need for detention. And everything is horribly wrapped up for another week!
Firsts: Stanley.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:05:44 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 10: “A Matter of Trust”
Here’s my recap of The New Class for the week: lots of stupid stuff happens. There! Done! Shortest recap ever, thank god!
What? You actually want me to tell you specifics? *groan* I guess it’s my own fault, taking on this horrible series…vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h03m47s21
We open with Brian and Rachel reminding us they’re now dating through public displays of affection. vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h04m06s209
Meanwhile Screech is shooting his stuff on Alison’s back.vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h04m18s78
And his stuff is in the shape of a heart. Because Alison is an idiot, she thinks it’s romantic. As usual, The New Class manages to be so thrilling with its public displays of affection. Every episode is the same: either we’re going at breakneck speed to get all the subplots in or nothing is happening.vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h04m49s116
Uh oh! Screech shoots his stuff all over Mr. Belding, and Mr. Belding is pissed because it’s a new shirt! Oh, the hijinks! Wait, does this mean Mr. Belding doesn’t know he can put his shirt in a magical device called a washing machine and it will be clean again? vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h05m03s7
Brian brings Alison a drink and she’s grateful he’s such a nice guy. The hilarity just keeps coming, even when Screech reveals his pet name for Alison is “Ali-wowie.” *groan*
Mr. Belding hands out fliers for the “Palisades Hills Charity Auction and Picnic” where the male employees of the country club are prostituted in the name of an unknown charity. Alison wants to bid on Screech but Mr. Belding says Screech is too hideous for this auction and has to stay behind the scenes instead.
Bobby has a plan to get a girl to touch his tender nipple buds. Lindsay, Megan, and Rachel are going to bid on Bobby so Denise, the girl who will molest him, will bid on him. Yeah, there’s no possible way this one can go wrong…
Mr. Belding introduces the auction as “bidding on your partner for a day of picnic fun.” I was assuming that meant an orgy on the golf course until Mr. Belding says that the couples will compete in a bunch of stupid picnic games. Wait…girls are supposed to pay for a partner for some stupid game? Even with the incentive that the winning team gets hot air balloon ride, something doesn’t sound right about this. Usually charity auctions are for dates. Worst prostitution ever…vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h08m44s68
Let’s meet our eligible men: Bobby, Tommy D, Brian, and, since Milton is not in the country club episodes, Hubert Dweebly. Guess it took them about five seconds to think up this character.
Bobby’s up first and his plan almost immediately backfires when Megan bids higher than Denise can go. Megan’s hella pissed she’s stuck with Bobby since she really wanted Hubert’s nipple buds.
Lindsay bids on Tommy D and threatens to cut a bitch if anyone else bids on her boyfriend.
There’s initially a bidding war on Brian between Rachel and a random extra, but Alison outbids them both. It’s then that Screech realizes his property is going to be with a much more attractive, manipulative guy.vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h12m16s246
Since Rachel lost Brian, she decides to bid on Hubert…for some reason…and Hubert decides this means he’s going to get his dork in her.
Tommy D doesn’t want to go up in the balloon so he conspires with Bobby to throw the games. They believe this means that Bobby will impress Megan so much she won’t regret spending her hard earned money on him.
Wait, there are plenty of other men in the background. Why are these the only four guys up for auction? This is going to be a pretty lousy charity auction. I guess those orphans have to go hungry another year.
In the kitchen, Megan baked four cherry pies for the pie eating contest and then conveniently leaves them out. Tommy D fills three of them with clam juice so they’ll taste horrible. He puts an extra cherry on the fourth one so Bobby will know which one is the good one. Yep, no way this can go wrong.vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h17m50s4
Now we get a bunch of practicing for the games, including…a blindfolded golf cart race? I don’t know much about driving a golf cart but something tells me this is extremely dangerous and a potential liability for the club, not to mention really lame. Hubert, of course, seizes the opportunity to molest Rachel, and she tells him this is sexual harassment and she doesn’t have to take it by pushing him out of the cart.
Tommy sabotages a cart so it will go faster and puts an X on it in grease so Bobby will know which is which.vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h19m17s88
Meanwhile, Screech spies on his property practicing the three legged race with Brian and decides it’s time to reclaim the only girl who will ever love him and keep her from committing statutory rape. Screech sends Brian to wash the golf carts so he won’t have time to spend with Alison. He naturally wipes the X off the sabotaged cart.
Brian thinks this means he can practice with Alison now but Screech has another chore.vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h20m44s172
Yes, Brian has to feed the frogs and then sing lullabies to them, because everyone knows frogs love lullabies. Brian forgets to latch the door, though, allowing the frogs to escape magically.
Tommy D gives Bobby a hard boiled egg for the egg toss. Meanwhile, Mr. Belding discovers a frog in his oatmeal. So the frog got into the kitchen and Mr. Belding’s oatmeal without anyone seeing it? Did everyone on this show take stupid pills this season? Brian comes running in and says the frogs escaped. Mr. Belding tells Brian he has to recapture the frogs before he can compete in the contest. Screech momentarily feels bad until Mr. Belding tells him that, since it’s not Alison’s fault Brian is a dumb ass, she should be able to have a substitute dumb ass and, thus, Screech can compete with her. At last, he has his property back!
Now it’s time for the games! At the egg toss, Tommy D purposely breaks his egg and is the first out. Wait, there’s a lot more guys at this egg toss than were in the auction. Where the hell did they all come from! Screech said Hubert was the last one! God, can they not keep continuity within the same episode on this series?!?!vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h26m23s197
Hubert makes the worse kissy face I’ve ever seen at Rachel. Seriously, that’s going to haunt my nightmares.vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h26m33s106
Rachel’s so pissed she tosses her egg at Hubert but hits Mr. Belding. I guess that’s supposed to be physical comedy? I don’t know. Just roll with it.
It’s down to Megan, Bobby, Alison, and Screech. Screech soon drops the egg, leaving Bobby and Megan the cheating winners.
Tommy D and Bobby discover the X was washed off. Instead, Screech and Alison inadvertently get the fast golf cart as a bunch of blind drivers all within feet of one another attempt to win the race. Seriously, did the insurance company approve this? It would seem like they’d be concerned about, I don’t know, paying out money for accidents?
Screech sees Brian still looking for the frogs and feels bad, so he insists Brian replaces him. Alison thinks Screech is just a loving and caring guy. Boy, she hasn’t learned anything about him this summer, has she?
The pie eating contest is next but, uh oh! Mr. Belding tries to eat the extra cherry! Megan catches him, so he replaces the cherry, but on the wrong pie. vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h29m10s136
Our men take their places and it turns out Tommy D got the non-tainted pie. He doesn’t want to eat it so Lindsay pushes him out of the way and shows him how it’s done. vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h30m00s109
With a three way tie, the deciding event will be the frog jumping contest since the frogs conveniently decided to come back in time. Wait, what happened to that one-legged race they were practicing for earlier? Oh, whatever, there’s only a couple minutes left. The framing for this naturally prevents us from seeing the frogs in every shot since that would require extra effort.
Long story short, Lindsay and Tommy D’s frog sprints to the finish line first. Hubert kisses his frog thinking it’s Rachel. Screech tells Alison the truth that he sabotaged Brian because he was afraid Alison would realize a douchey high school student is a better lover than him. Alison is all, “That was stupid, but I still love you because the plot demands it!”vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h32m06s110And we close with stock footage of a hot air baloon along with a voice over of Tommy D saying he’s enjoying the ride and a voice over of Lindsay about to be sick. Guess recording their lines in a sound studio is tough work. Lindsay should consider some Pepto Bismol.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:06:11 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 11: “Tommy the Tenor”
Oh come on now, The New Class! Now you’re not even trying! Now you’re ripping off an episode you already ripped off last season! *sigh* I don’t know why I expect better from this show.
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We open with Bobby, Claire, and Frieda singing the praises of the Glee Club, quite literally. Yeah, they’re harassing all their fellow students into joining via horrible song. And, uh oh! Noboby wants to join! Tommy D comes down the stairs with his new dumb ass friends who have never been seen or mentioned before and will never be seen or mentioned again, Jag and Vinnie, who are dressed as the typical ’50s era hoodlums who hang out at Bayside. The three declare that the Glee Club is the “Geek Club,” but Tommy D tells Bobby, “No offense,” which makes everything better.
Bobby catches the rest of the gang and harasses them to join. They all have lame excuses, including Lindsay, who can’t join because he has to meet Screech after school. Bobby reminds her that Screech is visiting his grandmother in Alaska and…
Wait…
OH THANK GOD FOR SMALL MIRACLES! SCREECH DOES NOT APPEAR IN THIS EPISODE! Oh the occasional small gifts I get from watching this episode. Now if the rest of the cast would not appear in this episode and turn on a rerun of Alf instead.
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Mr. Belding introduces the gang to the new…glee club teacher? Seriously, they have a Glee Club teacher? In the original series it was just Mr. Tuttle. This time…wow…no wonder, according to Mr. Belding, the school board wants to cut funding to the glee club. Yeah, the new teacher is Mr. Hartley, and this subplot is a rip-off of “The Substitute…”vlcsnap-2014-09-14-19h55m24s202
…right down to Mr. Hartley’s sparkling teeth. The girls instantly decide glee club is their best opportunity to get into Mr. Hartley’s pants, and Brian is distressed because this means he won’t have time to study Spanish with Rachel, which I assume is code for fingerbang her.vlcsnap-2014-09-14-19h56m03s122
In the locker room, Brian wants to give you a hug as he pretends to sing worse than William Hung with laryngitis. Bobby suggests that, if Brian wants to spend time with Rachel, he should try out for the glee club but, since he hella sucks, he has no chance. Meanwhile, in the showers, someone is singing Dean Martin’s “That’s Amore,” because all the kids in the ’90s listened to the rocking tunes of Dean Martin.vlcsnap-2014-09-14-19h57m02s212
Turns out the voice belongs to Tommy D because, despite the fact that we’ve had episodes about music before and Tommy D was never musical, the writers decided Tommy D should miraculously get two new traits this season, so Tommy D becomes very good at lip syncing to other people’s singing. Bobby wants Tommy D to join the glee club and Tommy D says he’s not going to embarrass himself by joining that club. No, Tommy D, you’re embarassing yourself by singing Dean Martin. Brian develops a plan on the spot for Tommy D to sing Brian’s audition to the glee club for him so he can continue fingerbanging Rachel.vlcsnap-2014-09-14-19h58m01s19
In the auditions, Bobby is horrible but still accepted to the glee club, which makes me wonder what the standards for admission are and why Brian is so worried.vlcsnap-2014-09-14-19h58m52s25
The girls’ audition involves dancing seductively for Mr. Hartley. vlcsnap-2014-09-14-19h59m16s245
They then begin to sexually harass him and he wants to take it so he lets all three of them in the glee club in the hopes he can study Spanish with them.vlcsnap-2014-09-14-20h00m21s141
Brian has Tommy D outside a window singing (did the classrooms ever have windows before) and, since no one at Bayside has any sense of hearing, they all believe Brian is this super awesome talented singer, and Brian gets in the glee club. vlcsnap-2014-09-14-20h01m13s161
But, uh oh! Mr. Belding has super selective hearing and, hearing Brian, thinks he’s super talented and orders Mr. Hartley to make him the featured soloist.
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At The Max, Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum make some comments about Brian being a canary for joinig the glee club that I really don’t understand, but it’s enough to convince Tommy D he needs to keep his reputation up with these two people he’s never met before.
Meanwhile, it’s time for the girls to have super creepy fantasies about Mr. Hartley. vlcsnap-2014-09-14-20h02m49s97Lindsay’s biggest fantasy is to dress as a flapper and dance with Mr. Hartley in a Bayside classroom. vlcsnap-2014-09-14-20h03m41s106
Megan wants to pose seductively on the piano while Mr. Hartley plays for her, and we go back to reality before she gets a really creepy kiss. vlcsnap-2014-09-14-20h04m28s57
Rachel just flat out wants to marry Mr. Hartley. That’s not positive thinking.
The three start fighting over who Mr. Harley wants to study Spanish with more but they feign a truce since they’re friends who are fighting over a man who would go to jail if he touched them.
Mr. Belding tells Brian and Bobby that he invited Mr. McKenzie from the school board to today’s glee club rehearsal. Apparently Mr. McKenzie has complete control over the budget and the power to give and take away funding, which is totally how that works. Mr. Belding says that he wants Mr. McKenzie to see how awesome their single soloist. After Mr. Belding leaves, Brian feigns crying as Tommy D walks up to convince Tommy D that, if he doesn’t sing for the glee club, Brian will be sent back to Switzerland, which is a horrible lie but whatever. vlcsnap-2014-09-14-20h06m43s130
Meanwhile, the writers can’t decide if they want this actor to be Stanley or Noogie, so he’s Noogie again this week. I think Stanley must be Noogie’s alter ego that he turns into when he receives too many noogies. He sells the girls stuff to sabotage each other’s performance so that Mr. Hartley will be more likely to study Spanish with them and not the others. Noogie sells Megan hot and spicy lipstick, Lindsay a plastic spider, and Rachel “hiccup juice,” whatever the hell that is.vlcsnap-2014-09-14-20h07m56s87
Mr. Belding comes up with Mr. McKenzie and, finding Tommy D outisde the room, insists Tommy D join them and listen to this kick ass performance. Meanwhile Rachel gives Lindsa the hiccup juice but then accidentally gives it to the rest of the back ground characters. Megan gives Rachel the lipstick to put on, and, during the performance, Megan screams at the sight of the fake spider. Yeah, despite these problems, and the fact that Bobby isn’t moving his lips at all, the performance doesn’t sound half bad.vlcsnap-2014-09-14-20h10m34s130
Mr. Belding asks Brian to sing and redeem the performance, and Brian puts on a performance that rivals Roseann Barr singing the National Anthem. Mr. McKenzie, deciding this group hella sucks, unilaterally declares that funding for the glee club will be cut, because he can totally do that without consulting any of the other school board members. vlcsnap-2014-09-14-20h11m08s196
In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding and Mr. Hartley get down to the bottom of this shit before they hand out spankings. They pretty much go over everything that’s happened in the episode so far. Brian convinces Mr. Belding to get Mr. McKenzie to come to the assembly on Friday so he can hear the glee club give its “best” performance.
Tommy D still won’t budge, though, because his two hooligan friends may object. Bobby is all, “Tommy D, you shouldn’t be ashamed of your voice because it may cause girls to want to study Spanish with you,” and we cut away as Tommy D thinks about what the obvious conclusion of this episode will be.vlcsnap-2014-09-14-20h13m20s251
It’s almost showtime for the glee club and the gang is dressed in their best boy scout uniforms. Of course, the glee club sounds nothing like they did before because they’re good at lip syncing to a professional recording. I swear, some of the cast, especially Rachel, look completely uncomfortable to be there. It’s still not good enough for Mr. McKenzie because he likes to abuse his power.vlcsnap-2014-09-14-20h15m15s120
But Tommy D comes out and helps them out with the lip syncing. Tommy D’s fake melodies melt Mr. McKenzie’s icy heart and he reinstates full funding for the glee club because, once again, he can totally do that. Yeah, just like the newspaper, five dollars says we never hear about this again with this iteration of the cast.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:06:45 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 12: “Christmas in July”
We open with Mr. Belding off his meds again, apparently believing it’s Christmas during the month of July. He tells Tommy D that it’s time for the country club’s annual Christmas in July party, which I’m sure Tommy D should have heard about already if it’s an annual tradition, but Tommy D’s an idiot so let’s chalk it up to that.vlcsnap-2014-09-22-11h49m20s255
The most disturbing thing this series has presented thus far drives up: Screech in a motor vehicle. Yes, this is Screech’s beloved scooter that we’ve never heard about before despite the fact that it’s supposed to be his prized possession.vlcsnap-2014-09-22-11h49m53s75
Of course, the writers take advantage of mistletoe being present to give some fan service that no fan of this series ever asked for. Someone needs to check Alison for a brain tumor. It would explain her lack of taste.
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Mr. Belding gives Screech the job of organizing the Secret Santa drawing. Screech rigs the drawing so that Alison’s name is on top followed by Lindsay’s name. Why he is helping Tommy D but not Brian and Bobby is never explained. I assume that, without Zack Morris around, Tommy D is the most attractive and the new object of Screech’s suppressed homoerotic fantasies.
Screech pulls Alison but, Tommy D being an idiot, he shakes the bowl up before he picks and gets Mr. Belding, who immediately starts giving Tommy D his measurements as if Tommy D could afford to get him a three piece suit. Don’t Secret Santa drawings usually have monetary limits of $10 or $20?
Meanwhile, Bobby picks Mr. Harrington, whom the writers suddenly remembered exists, and is worried that, if he doesn’t get Mr. Harrington something he likes, he’ll be rough in their foreplay later. Brian gets Lindsay and refuses to change because he’s counting on another season and a chance to get to Lindsay’s girl boner. Lindsay gets Megan, and Rachel and Megan don’t matter because their recipients are never seen.
Mr. Harrington announces the Snow Queen Pageant for employees only, where the winner could win a whopping $1,000 towards her education. Boy, $1,000! That’ll pay for a whopping one tenth of a semester’s tuition, which easily impresses our easily impressed girls. Too bad Screech apparently dropped out of Cal U to work here or he could have entered another beauty pageant. vlcsnap-2014-09-22-11h53m32s217
Brian hasn’t had a public display of affection with Rachel yet so he makes up some bullshit about how, when a bell rings, you have to kiss the one you’re with. Clearly, Brian is not a Jimmy Stewart fan.vlcsnap-2014-09-22-11h54m31s44
Screech is so proud of his present for Alison, bubble bath in a plastic candy cane, that he shows it off to Lindsay and Rachel in case they ever want a Dirty Sanchez. Meanwhile, Megan took her Jessie pill today and decides that it’s misogynist for girls to be judged in swimsuits. Lindsay and Rachel are all, “We’ll support you if you fuck the hell off.”
Megan finds Mr. Harrington and expresses her disapproval of the swimsuit competition, but Mr. Harrington tells her that tradition is tradition and he enjoys looking at high school girls wearing next to nothing so, if she doesn’t like it, she can just fuck the hell off with her dried up pussy.vlcsnap-2014-09-22-11h56m27s160
Meanwhile, Mr. Harrington bought Alison a Convertible for a Christmas in July present because Alison is the most spoiled person in the history of everything. Screech feels his penis cut off because he wants to give her a present she’ll really enjoy. Eww.
The writers forgot what they had Bobby doing at the country club so they now have him working at the pro shop. Bobby asks Alison what he should get her father, but when Bobby tries out several potential presents, Mr. Harrington is all, “You poor people need to learn to have more money so you can buy better presents for me.” vlcsnap-2014-09-22-11h58m53s95
Meanwhile, Rachel and Brian are practicing. Rachel sings, very badly, and it’s hardly surprising she can’t sing since I remember Sarah Lancaster’s role on Everwood. Bobby is given a light up Rudolph nose with antlers and he says that wearing a light up nose is so degrading. Of all the things you’ve done on this show, Brian, you think this is degrading? Boy, you have your priorities all out of whack.
Megan tells Lindsay and Rachel that Mr. Harrington won’t bow to her every demand so she’s come to them, sure that they will. Lindsay and Rachel are all, “Bitch, we need some drinking money for college! We’ll show our titties for that!” Megan responds with a judgmental speech about how everyone disappoints her so much because they don’t recognize her god mode status.
Screech tries to raise money to buy Alison a $1,000 gold watch, and does something quite disturbing to accomplish it.vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h00m33s79
Yes, straight from your nightmares, it’s Santa Screech. Sit on his lap and he’ll give you his special present! The writers throw in a fat kid joke just for the hell of it before Mr. Belding comes in and refuses to allow Screech to inflict such terrifying horrors on the club guests.
Tommy D and Bobby switch gift recipients as Megan finds Mr. Harrington to tell him she’s not a cheap whore and won’t be in the beauty pageant, unlike her friends who are stupid slutty bitches. Mr. Harrington tells her, “That’s fine. No one gives a damn about you anyway.” Lindsay is all pissed and desides to give Megan a piece of prop coal as her present.
Screech comes in and tells Brian and Tommy D he sold his beloved, never before mentioned scooter to buy Alison the watch. vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h03m23s239
The writers give some Megan fan service since she won’t be unclothed in any other scene this episode. Bobby tells Megan he would fuck her and Megan is all, “I want to be fucked for my mind and not my body.” Bobby asks her how anyone will know how she feels if she’s not at the pageant and Megan instantly decides she needs to follow the script of the Saved by the Bell episode they’re ripping off closer.vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h03m54s33
It’s time for the pageant and Screech is our disturbing presenter, regaling us with song and dance about underage girls. The contestants are our three female regulars and three background characters who don’t matter because they’re not one of our eight regulars.vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h19m00s144
Through the magic of transition, we skip the entire pageant and go directly to the closing event, the swim suit competition. Of course, Megan wears a business suit and asks to explain herself as Screech wonders why this all sounds so familiar. Megan is all, “Fem-a-mism…go go Gadget vagina…oh, hell, guys, I’m a suck ass replacement for Jessie so I’ll just say give me the prize because I dared to defy the man!”vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h20m50s208
And they do. The judges give Megan the prize because she dared to defy the man. Well, wasn’t that just an anticlimactic end to that…was that the plot or a subplot? I don’t know. There’s like a million subplots running around this episode and, though I can usually tell which is intended to be the main plot, all of them in this episode are equally unremarkable.vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h21m15s214
It’s time to hand out gifts now and Megan gets Lindsay’s lump of coal and says she deserves it for being a stupid judgmental bitch. The girls make up because they need to be friends again next episode since they won’t be able to make a new replacement friend until the end of the season.vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h21m36s162
Bobby gives Mr. Belding a scale since, by this season, he’s really beginning to put on the weight.vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h22m14s25
Tommy D gives Mr. Harrington a novelty umbrella hat, which he thinks is hella lame but Alison is all, “We need to end this episode. Be nice so we can end it!”vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h23m16s130
Screech gives Alison the watch and Alison, who’s also Screech’s Secret Santa by complete contrivance, gives Screech a horn for his scooter. Screech reveals he sold his scooter to buy the watch and Alison tells him, “I don’t have any taste. That’s why I’m dating you! So return your watch and give me the stupid bubble bath!”vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h24m42s227
Brian gives Lindsay a musical snow globe and it’s a good thing because it plays the Christmas carol our cast sings us out on, a small portion of Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas.” What they don’t tell us is that it’s a magical snow globe because it starts playing music even before Lindsay is done winding it. Oh, The New Class, it’s so cute how you can’t even get the smallest of details right.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:07:39 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 13: “Bayside Story”
We open with Bayside having some serious self-esteem issues. It seems that they need both counseling to overcome their inferiority complex and spelling lessons.vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h12m08s170
Oh, our gang comes out and says they’ve been vandalized by Valley. We’re also going with the Tommy D who suddenly loves sports and he’s ready to pound their pigs.vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h12m22s59
Mr. Belding thinks this is horrible and is glad no Bayside students are involved in this shit, which, of course, is Brian and Bobby’s cue to come out and reveal they painted “Go Bayside” all over Valley’s football field. Mr. Belding is hella pissed and wants to hand out spankings. He says they haven’t beat Valley since Slater graduated. Um, Mr. Beldng, I don’t think they’ve met Slater yet. Did the fumes from the paint destroy some brain cells.
For those who are fans of random trivia that complicates the timeline of this series even further, Mr. Belding tells us this episode takes place at the same time as Wedding in Las Vegas as Screech is off for a romp. I admit, I haven’t seen Wedding in Las Vegas yet but isn’t it the conclusion to The College Years? Anyway, Mr. Belding continues referencing Saved by the Bell characters, assuming that the gang has heard about the Zack Morris and Kelly super romance since they must have watched “The Aftermath” and gotten pissed off at Kelly’s whoring ways as well.
Time to go to the movies and suddenly we find out that the girls are cheerleaders again and Megan is their captain, despite the fact this hasn’t been referenced this season and, in fact, we saw pretty much the opposite scenario play out in another episode. What happened to Tara Reid? It’s too soon for her to get caught up in a sharknado!vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h14m32s65
Bobby runs in wearing the Bayside mascot costume because he couldn’t be bothered to take the thirty seconds it would require to take it off.vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h15m11s207
Valley players Brick and Rock show up and, for a second, I thought we were in for another kidnapping of a teenager by a twenty-five year old. Instead, they show how tough they are by pouring Bobby’s popcorn over his head. Go Valley! Create more work for underpaid cinema workers! They walk away laughing and this hella pisses off Megan, who calls them the obscene insult of “Valley slime.”
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Megan goes to get more popcorn but she quickly runs into Handsome McHandome-Face here who turns out to be Doug, our love interest for the episode. It’s love at first sight and they decide to go on a date despite the fact they both say they don’t usually go out with people they just met. Why? Do they think dating requires fucking, or is Doug just too scared to have the frank discussion about his genital warts?vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h18m31s160
At The Max, Brick, Rock, and head Valley cheerleader Heather show up to randomly taunt the gang since they apparently lead boring lives and aren’t getting any so they have to find something to do. Tommy D wants to pound them but Brian reminds him about his anger management classes. Brian calls them jerks, which seems to be a huge insult in this universe, enough that they fuck the fucking fuck off.
At the school assembly for the game, the girls do their cheer for Valley while Bobby violently destroys a stuffed Valley bulldog, but Mr. Belding isn’t happy. He says they need to be friends with Valley and develop mutual respect and understanding. The gang is all, “Mutual respect and understanding my ass! Lynch the lot of them! They’re scum of the Earth and shouldn’t be allowed to walk the same streets we do!” Mr. Belding has surprise guests, though: Valley’s Coach, Mr. Conner… vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h20m25s26
…and their captain, Doug! Wah wah wah!
Megan is all, “You didn’t tell me in the short encounter we had that you went to Valley! How could you not reveal your life story to me in that short encounter?” Coach Conner talks smack about Bayside and Mr. Belding is all, “Get the hell out of my school before I assign you to Screech fucking duty!”
Meanwhile, in the hallway, Doug comes out of his hiding place in the boy’s restroom where he was hoping to catch a glimpse of Tommy D. He tells Megan that he likes her despite the fact she goes to Bayside and still wants to go out with her. Megan tells him, “That sounds great! I’ll shed the completely irrational prejudice I had against your school just a few minutes ago because the script tells me I should!” vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h23m33s114
They have a pop kiss, and the audience loses their shit.
At The Max, Megan reveals that her date is Doug and the others are all, “You have to stop dating him right away! How could you date someone who goes to another school when we have an irrational hatred of one another!” Megan is all, “I’m still going out with Doug!” As she walks out, the others are all, “How dare Megan act rationally! She’s our Judas if she doesn’t share our prejudices!” Brian suggests, though, that they might be able to completely screw over Megan, which makes me think he has a horrible plan.vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h25m05s31
At cheer leading practice, the girls do the funky chicken. Lindsay and Rachel berate Megan for having a mind of her own and walk off.vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h25m43s138
Tommy D walks in with his recently retconned teammates, Meat, Hacksaw, and extra whose name doesn’t matter. Meat, who’s now sporting a goatee because he didn’t already look too old to be on this show, berates Megan for dating a guy she likes. Tommy D is all, “We can’t be friends as long as you’re not under our complete control!”
Tommy D, with Bobby and Brian’s assistance, calls Doug with a horrible impersonation of Coach Conners. They tell Doug that he has to carry his playbook with him at all times to avoid Bayside getting their hands on it, and, since everyone in the Saved by the Bell universe are easily manipulated morons, Doug naturally listens. vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h27m01s143
Apparently now only nerds can work at the movie theater because Lindsay dresses up like Claire and sends sudden-employee Milton on break. Milton, continuing the trend of everyone being an idiot, doesn’t realize he’s never met this coworker before and listens to her. Good to know this is the guy handling money for the theater. vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h28m02s213
Doug comes in and Lindsay and Tommy D, who’s in a brilliant disguise consisting of a fake goatee, convince Doug that he’s the millionth customer and this means he gets a free movie pass for a year. vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h28m24s208
They put a cape and a crown on him and Rachel comes out as “Miss Multiplex” to take photos with him. Tommy D uses the flash bulbs from Rear Window to blind Doug…vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h28m43s142
…while Brian and Bobby use a super secret spy camera to photograph all the playbook. This…has to be their most convoluted plan yet. Jesus, it’s like one of Fred’s plans to catch the Scooby-Doo monster of the week!
Megan comes in and tells Doug she can’t date him because her friends’ stupid bigotry is more important than her happiness. They argue and run off as the gang overhears and suddenly feels sympathy that they peer pressured their friend into being an idiot.
Back at Bayside, the gang continue feeling like shit and decide they need another convoluted plan to fix all the shit they did. vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h31m18s149
Milton overhears and tells Mr. Belding there’s going to be a rumble. Oh, throw away last-minute subplots!vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h31m47s183
Brian, Bobby, and Tommy D use their brilliant powers of disguise to dress as Valley students. They find Doug and reveal what they did to him and he’s all, “Egad, your fake goatee at the theater completely fooled me! A wizard you must be!” They tell him that, if he wants the photos of the playbook, he has to show up at The Max at 3:30.
Lindsay and Rachel drag Megan into The Max as Doug, Rock, Brick, and Heather walk in for the film. Tommy D gives Doug the film and they all tell Doug and Megan they were jackasses to stand in the way of this great romance that will never be mentioned on the show again. vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h34m05s31
This leads to Heather crying with Rachel and Lindsay.vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h34m15s136
Brick gets some onion in his eyes as Tommy D looks on lovingly.vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h34m21s189
Rock and Bobby decide they may be able to forge their own romance. Everyone is friends now until it becomes convenient for Bayside and Valley to hate each other again…say in about fourteen more episodes.vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h34m29s2
Mr. Belding and Milton come in with the riot gear they stole from the SWAT team to break up the nonexistent rumble at a business Mr. Belding has no authority over.vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h35m21s22And Megan and Doug live happily ever after despite the fact that Doug never shows up again!
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:10:22 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 14: “Farewell Dance”
Oh, thank the gods! It’s the final time I have to review one of these idiotic Palisades Hills Country Club episodes! It’s the final time we have to see the worst arc to ever hit the Saved by the Bell universe. I can’t imagine anything can be worse than this, not even the Tori episodes. Of course, The New Class still has five more seasons to prove me wrong.
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We open with Mr. Belding giving the final employee briefing of the summer to the seven employees who matter. The rest are relegated to looking at his bald spot. It’s a good thing he’s not a director like this Don Barnhart person or we may have to say he doesn’t have a fucking clue how to stage people.
The writers decided that, despite the fact Brian and Rachel were major figures during this stupid arc, they’ll be relegated to a minor subplot this episode where Rachel cries every time she realizes it’s the end of the summer since she knows Brian is that much closer to departing the show. Tommy D and Lindsay have nothing to do as usual. Bobby wants to take a hot ass rich girl named Michelle to the farewell formal on Friday, which occurs because a country club full of retirees in Los Angeles is only open during the summer. Megan is depressed that she didn’t get her own love arc this summer. vlcsnap-2014-10-03-21h20m08s205
And Screech is sad because his actor doesn’t know how to emote.vlcsnap-2014-10-03-21h22m03s69 Meanwhile, the writers decided to give Alison one character trait not involving her father or Screech. She’s a pianist, and apparently a gifted one despite this never being mentioned before. She’s in the process of writing a song for Screech and, though she’s disappointed she didn’t make it into Julliard, is excited to be going to UCLA so she can be close to Screech and hopefully make it into the opening credits some day. Mr. Harrington comes in and drags Alison away before the writers run out of ideas for her one character trait.vlcsnap-2014-10-03-21h23m57s196
Lindsay and Rachel encourage Megan to go after this guy who’s obviously in his thirties. They think they did good until Megan comes back and reports…he’s in his thirties. Well, no shit Sherlock! I do think this is a first: age is acknowledged rather than simply encouraging statutory rape. vlcsnap-2014-10-03-21h24m22s189
Bobby poses a hypothetical to Michelle about what would happen if an employee asked a member to the formal. She’s all, “He would be tarred and feathered and sent to live in Screech’s closet with the bodies of Scott, Weasel, and Vicki.” Tommy D and Brian come up and tell Bobby that Michelle only goes for guys who can be her sugar daddy. Brian decides it’s time to convince Michelle she can potentially mooch off Bobby.
Tommy D and Brian find Michelle by the pool and convince her that Bobby’s really rich and his father just wants him to work at the country club for the summer so he can encounter all the little people. Michelle suddenly gets a twinkle in her eye as her gold digger sense peaks to maximum.
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Screech is busy scrubbing his shark “behind the ears” (because sharks totally have ears) when Alison comes up to tell him the good news: she’s been accepted to Julliard so she doesn’t have to be on this shitty show anymore. She leaves in one week because the acceptance letter magically came with a plane ticket and accommodation. vlcsnap-2014-10-03-21h26m42s56
Screech drowns his sorrows in milk shakes thus showing why one day he’ll appear on Celebrity Fit Club and not Intervention. After all, alcohol is evil in this universe and, besides, Dustin Diamond is probably like 16 during this season.
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Mr. Harrington doesn’t want to lose his strange near-incestuous relationship with Alison so he hatches a plan to convince Screech to go to New York to be with Alison. He tells Screech that he went to China to be with his wife while she was studying and supported himself by stuffing fortune cookies, counting rice, driving rickshaws, and other racist Asian stereotypes. The idea is that Alison won’t want Screech to give up his Cal U degree that I’m still not sure how he’s earning it, and Screech thinks this is a bang up idea as there’s a shortage of rickshaw drivers in New York.
Michelle asks Bobby if it’s true he’s rich and Bobby is all, “It is if it means I can stick my penis in you!” Michelle tells Bobby she suddenly finds him attractive now that he can tell such unconvincing lies and asks him to the formal.
Screech tells Alison he’s moving to New York to be with her. She asks him where he will live and work and Screech tells her he’s sure there’s lots of work for a college dropout whose skills include annoying the shit out of people and being mistaken for an alien.
Megan doesn’t want to go to the formal because she doesn’t have a date but Mr. Belding tells her she has to because she’s the employee of the summer. Megan is like, “Oh well, guess I’ll just ask Bobby since there’s no way his subplot is going anywhere.”vlcsnap-2014-10-03-21h30m30s16
Bobby walks up at that moment with Michelle and Megan is all, “God, I am a loser if even Bobby has a date!”vlcsnap-2014-10-03-21h31m35s164Screech, meanwhile, searches the New York Extra for a job but finds there’s very little available for a former child actor with no skills. He decides he’ll be a street performer and “play his leg” because lots of people in New York want to pay to see…that…
Bobby lays the bull shit on even thicker for Michelle and Lindsay rolls her eyes at his idiocy.
Alison finds Screech “preparing his scooter” for New York and tells him she’s decided not to go to New York so they can be together and won’t have to live in the projects while they raise their deformed three headed children.
Rachel continues crying over the end of the summer and Lindsay tells Bobby he’s full of shit for how much he’s laying it on with Michelle. Rachel tells him Megan doesn’t have a date to the formal and Bobby suddenly feels bad that he wasn’t around to be her backup plan.
Screech finds Mr. Belding to ask advice about Alison and his sage wisdom is, “Sometimes you have to give up something you want for the person you love,” and Screech realizes what he has to do: find Zack Morris and convince him to leave Kelly and move to West Hollywood.
Bobby tells Michelle the truth about himself and Michelle’s all, “If you’re poor again I’m not going to the formal with you.” Bobby’s all, “You’re a snob for being pissed off that I lied to you,” and Michelle storms off. Megan comes up to comfort Bobby and Bobby asks Megan to the formal because it may be his last chance on the show to get it on with her.
At the formal, Tommy D’s an idiot so he doesn’t know the difference between a bow tie and a cumberbun. Screech is bummed out as he dances with Alison. She tells him she finished his song and all the regulars and extras gravitate towards them at the piano as if it had been planned by the grace of bad direction. Screech tells Alison he needs to talk to her alone.
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Mr. Belding announces Megan as the employee of the summer and Megan gets her big ass trophy and says she’s going to share it with Bobby.vlcsnap-2014-10-03-21h39m07s72We get one more opportunity to see Rachel cry over the end of the summer and Brian starts crying with her when he realizes it’s the last summer he’ll be on this stupid show.
Screech tells Alison to go to New York without him and promises to visit her at Christmas time unless the writers forget she ever existed. We close the episode, and this long, tedious arc with one last dance for Screech and Alison as Screech goes back to eternal bachelorhood and his first love, Rosey Palm.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:11:30 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 15: “A Perfect Lindsay”
I don’t know if this makes me an evil person or not, but I’ve been looking forward to this episode for a while. This is The New Class‘s answer to “Jessie’s Song.” This is their first venture into very special episode territory. The only question here is how much they’re going to royally fuck it up.
We open in the gym where Mr. Belding is, once again, using a school assembly to give random announcements because…plot. Screech jumps in and tells everyone that Club Jam, which is apparently the hottest dance show on television, is going to hold their annual dance contest at Bayside because…plot? I don’t know. We’re only two minutes in and nothing makes sense. Mr. Belding is initially resistant to the idea until he finds out he gets to be a judge.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h15m05s224Meanwhile Megan is so excited she may be launched into orbit.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h16m14s177
Brian wants Rachel to be his dance partner. Rachel is initially resistant because she promised David she wouldn’t date any other guys while he’s gone, but Brian convinces Rachel his interest is strictly professional. Keep this in mind because this little bit of dialogue is going to bite them in the ass in a few weeks and make the timeline of the country club episodes completely incomprehensible. vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h16m48s23
Lindsay tells Tommy D she wants to look good for the contest so she’s cutting back on food. Tommy D is all, “That’s awesome because that means we can get to fucking faster rather than doing stupid stuff on our dates like eat.” Seriously, did they put Lindsay in this shirt just to emphasize how fucked up in the head she is to think she’s fat?
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Bobby is about to ask Megan to be his partner since she’s the only member of the gang not paired up at this point, but Kent and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat here swoops in and asks her first. Seriously, he literally pushes Bobby out of the way to ask Megan and she still says yes. What a bitch!vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h17m49s108
It’s probably a good thing that Megan hooked up with Kent, though, because the only dance move Bobby seems to know is the Carlton. Rachel thinks that, as long as Megan and Kent are partners, no one else stands a chance. Brian doesn’t want to be cock blocked so he arranges for Bobby to help him in a scheme to break them up.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h19m38s162
Their plan: show Bobby giving Mr. Belding a watch and convince Kent that Bobby is bribing Mr. Belding to win the contest. Since everyone at Bayside is a complete moron, Kent completely buys the story. Also, Screech convinces Mr. Belding to make him a judge.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h20m26s149
At The Max, Screech horrifies everyone by showing how well he can do The Carlton. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air must be the most popular show in the Saved by the Bell universe. Screech tries to lift Lindsay in the air for a “dance” move but comments she’s heavier than he thought. Since Lindsay’s looking for confirmation of her weight problem, she’s willing to believe Los Angeles’s stupidest educator.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h22m01s81
At Megan’s house, Rachel dresses as a ’50s era prostitute that can’t act. Lindsay thinks Rachel looks so thin and Rachel makes the remark that the camera adds eighty pounds. Of course, this leads into a fantasy sequence.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h22m25s66
Why do so many people imagine Screech in their inner thoughts? This should be like a sign of psychosis. I don’t think Lindsay has an eating disorder. I think she’s clinically insane.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h22m38s188
Yeah Lindsay’s dressed like Roseanne Barr complete with toilet paper stuck in her clothes to make her look fat. Unfortunately, the effect doesn’t really take since her face is the same size.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h22m48s40
The rest of the gang stands off to the side making fun of Lindsay’s size because apparently Lindsay thinks all of her friends are total assholes.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h23m44s90
Between seeing Screech in her inner thoughts and imagining what she would look like as a Richard Simmons model, Lindsay subtly throws away her pizza while the others aren’t looking. Uh oh! Here comes very special episode territory, except the music for a very special episode on The New Class seems to be a whimsical guitar being plucked. Seriously, you couldn’t come up with better music to fit the mood the script is trying to set?
The next day, Lindsay is still obsessing. Rachel tells Brian she thinks something is wrong with Lindsay, but Brian’s all, “Lindsay’s issues have nothing to do with me sticking my love stick in your vagina so I don’t care!”vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h24m53s6
I really need to number these subplots to keep up with them. In subplot 545, Kent tries to bribe Mr. Belding with Lakers tickets. Mr. Belding is ready to bring some whoop ass out on Kent but settles for a week’s detention instead. Megan tells him that she won’t compete with someone who would bribe their idiot principal and storms out. vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h26m06s227
Screech dances like a monkey in the hallway because this will somehow help Megan pick a new dance partner. Megan tells Screech to fuck off back to whatever insane asylum he broke out of just as Brian and Bobby come down the stairs. Bobby lies to Megan and tells her he’s a kick ass dancer so Megan tells him she’ll settle for him. vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h27m05s47
I don’t know what Bobby was worried about. Megan knows how to do the Carlton too! Bobby one ups her in the bad dancing department and admits he’s not a good dancer. Bobby lays a guilt trip on her to make the audience go, “Awwwww!” Megan responds to their sadness by offering to teach Bobby how to dance. After all, if he could learn karate from hot dog condiments, he should be able to learn to dance in time for the contest.
Lindsay, meanwhile, is exercising in the gym, which seems to concern Tommy D more than her lack of eating. Seriously.
At The Max, Megan suddenly turns into a narrator for a PSA on anorexia. It’s as if she’s reading from a script that was copy and pasted from the journal of the American Medical Association. Lindsay comes in and, when the others express concern that she refuses to eat, she storms out and tells Tommy D she’ll find another dance partner. Wait, since when can Tommy D dance? In season one he was supposed to be this macho rebel. Now he’s a jock, a singer, and a dancer? How many more new traits can we put on him?vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h31m16s7
The writers decided that, since they still had Kent’s actor just sitting around, they might as well use him for one more scene. Lindsay tells Tommy D that Kent is her new dance partner because Kent doesn’t care if she starves herself to death. Also, Mr. Belding gives Brian a week’s detention for proving that Kent is a dumb ass. vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h31m41s237
Meet DJ Katrina, the host of Club Jam. vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h32m33s252
The cameras come on and Screech immediately freezes up despite the fact this isn’t the first time he’s been on television. The writers just needed an excuse to play out this ridiculous, unfunny gag.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h32m47s137
You can tell this show is hip and funky because none of the camera operates can hold the camera straight. Also, DJ Katrina says to get the contest started, but lots of extras suddenly storm the dance floor. Do the writers of this show even know what a dance contest would look like? Here’s a clue: it doesn’t look like a gay club on a Saturday night!
During a commercial break, DJ Katrina tells Brian and Rachel they’re up next. Lindsay tells Kent she needs a minute and she walks out holding her head, but not before telling Tommy D to go fuck himself. Tommy D asks Brian to talk to her because a guy she’s barely had interaction with this season is the perfect person for an intervention. Brian’s scared how this will affect his vagina pursuit, but Tommy D talks him into it.
Brian and Tommy D find Lindsay in a classroom with her head on the desk, and I swear that this is the funniest scene of The New Class I’ve seen to date. The combination of the ridiculousness of Lindsay suddenly becoming anorexic in a few days, Natalia Cigliuti and Christian Oliver’s horrible acting, and a script that seems to trivialize treatment for a serious disease lead me to laugh at this almost as much as the scene in “Jessie’s Song” with Zack Morris and Jessie.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h34m31s163 Lindsay blacks out and instantly realizes that she has a problem because that’s how eating disorders work: you instantly believe when everyone else tells you that you might have an issue. Once I stopped laughing at how horrible this scene is, I couldn’t help but be a little pissed off at their casual treatment of a very serious subject. I mean, people have died from complications due to anorexia and they’re acting like it’s something you just snap out of. Fuck The New Class. Fuck them with a baseball bat.
The problem is this episode is not trying to do something very serious, which is not in and of itself a bad thing. The fact that there’s a million subplots thrown in, though, means they barely have time to fit Lindsay’s main plot in, and what we get is so superficial that they might as well not have made this episode at all. I mean Lindsay’s anorexia plot could have easily been completely cut and the episode would have just felt like a rip-off of “Dancing to the Max.” This show has the most incompetent writers I think I’ve ever seen in my life, and I’ve watched shows as bad as Full House and Suite Life on Deck.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h36m37s118So with Lindsay and Brian gone, there’s only one couple left in the contest despite the fact we earlier saw several other couples waiting. Bobby and Megan are the only regulars left, though, so they win the contest by default after Bobby proves he’s a genius at learning new things in short amounts of time. Lindsay apologizes to everyone for not believing them, and we close with the worst actors on television going off to get Lindsay some food, because that’s all she needs to get over her anorexia.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:12:16 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 16: “Back at the Ranch”
I am so glad the country club episodes are over. See, this would normally be the week I had to review another of those abominations! But they’re over now and I can get back to reviewing The New Class episodes that are just horrible. So, I wonder what’s up for me this week. Let’s check IMDB.
Mr. Belding treats the gang to a week-long trip to Gold Canyon Ranch, a dude ranch owned by Screech’s Uncle Lester and his bullying son Clint.
…
Excuse me for a moment…
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why? Why must this dumb show do this, especially so soon after the country club episodes?!?! WHY DO THEY INSIST ON MORE LOCATION EPISODES!!! Why I ask you! Why!?!?
Thank you. That feels a lot better to have that out of my system.
Yes, my friends, we’re at Gold Canyon Ranch, and a voice over featuring Screech doing one of the worst impersonations of a western accent I’ve ever heard informs us that the gang worked so hard that Mr. Belding decided to treat them somewhere special. Since people might finally realize how often Mr. Belding crosses boundaries with his students if he took them to a porno theater or a nudie bar, he decided to go with Screech’s idea of visiting his Uncle Lester’s dude ranch because the writers figured why the hell not.
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Meet Uncle Lester, who will probably never be seen or mentioned again after these episodes. We establish that Screech hasn’t been here since he was a kid and also that he has almost as good a taste in western clothing as 1955 Doc Brown in Back to the Future Part III. vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h43m18s243
We quickly go through some unfunny running gags, like Rachel believing that “roughing it” means bringing five bags. Why would you have to rough it on a dude ranch? Ranchers aren’t survivalists. I think the writers of The New Class have camping and visiting a dude ranch confused. No worry, though, because Mr. Belding is quick to give Rachel a bad touch. Also, Tommy D is an idiot and wants horses to be more like cars because…it’s supposed to be funny?vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h43m43s213
Suddenly someone does something that should have been done long ago: tie Screech up. Unfortunately, he soon lets him go. He would have been my favorite character of the franchise had he kept Screech tied up throughout the episode. Yes, this is Cousin Clint, who has bullied Screech since he was a kid because it’s so easy to do. Apparently bullying Screech involves calling him a skinny little runt. That’s bullying? I guess this entire blog is bullying activity then.
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It’s time for Clint to teach the gang how to mount a horse, and Screech is the only one not keen to try since he’s never mounted anything in his life. Of course, Clint picks Screech, and this is another instance of Clint’s “bullying” since Screech is such a dumb ass he can’t figure out how to get on a horse.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h46m15s227
Now Bobby gets to rope a steer. Maybe it will drag him along and seriously injure him on a rock.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h46m28s94
Oh, wait, the writers already blew their animal budget on the horses so they have bobby rope a wooden crate with a bull’s head on it. It’s hard to tell if Bobby realizes this isn’t a real steer since he seems so proud of being able to rope something that can’t fight back.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h47m20s110
Screech apparently can’t even serve food right because he dumps grits all over his shirt. Of course, Clint is a bully because he laughs at it, but I guess the audience are all bullies too since they think it’s funny as well. See these holes you’re digging yourself into, The New Class? You just painted your entire audience as horrible people, which they probably are but that’s beside the point!
Megan asks Uncle Lester if there is real gold in Gold Canyon and Uncle Lester tells them there used to be but that the mines have been closed for a long time. Uncle Lester also tells them that it’s dangerous and there were booby traps set to keep people out. Mr. Belding tells the gang to stay away from the canyon and then tells them that he and Uncle Lester are going to go to town so that the rest of the plot can commence.
The minute Mr. Belding is out of earshot, the gang begs Clint to take them into the canyon. Clint is all, “I’m cool so I guess it’ll be okay if I go even though I’m technically half the adult supervision here but 75% since the other half has an IQ lower than my hat.” Screech wants to go with them and supervise but Clint is all, “You’re too much of an idiot and would just fall off your horse,” which is true but, once again, this is The New Class and that’s more evil bullying. As the gang all leave, Screech suddenly reveals he can play basic songs on the harmonica since harmonica are all western and stuff.
The gang dismount to start looking for gold and Clint gives Tommy D the job of tying up the horses. Mistake number one: trusting Tommy D with anything. Tommy D’s horse is named Fluffy. The problem here is Fluffy is instantly more likable than any of the regular characters on this show and probably gets paid more.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h50m37s16
I shit you not: the next scene features the gang just randomly digging in various spots around the area. They went searching for gold with no idea of where to find it. This is beyond idiotic, especially after Uncle Lester warned them how dangerous the area was! Clint tells them the only thing he’s ever heard is that the gold can be found under the big kiss, so Brian kisses Rachel and tells the gang to dig there because gold just magically appears like that.
Megan screams when Lindsay points out that there’s a big, hairy lizard on her shoe that none of the rest of us are allowed to see because that would involve actually getting said lizard.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h51m13s129
This is enough for the horses to all declare that this entire show is stupid as fuck and get the hell out of there. Since Tommy D’s idea of tying up the horses is tying them all together, it’s easy for them to get the hell out. Clint rides back to the ranch to get help, hoping that the gang will be eaten by the coyotes we conveniently hear howling as soon as he warns them about wild animals. vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h52m08s148
As the gang wait for Clint to get back, they decide the best thing to do is remain stationary so that the falcon and mountain lion they hear can more easily find them. Brian declares he’ll protect them with his Swiss Army Knife because…he’s Swiss…and Lindsay wonders aloud if Clint is dead yet.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h53m20s125
Well, not quite yet but Clint’s horse decides the rest of the horses had the right idea. It bucks Clint off its back and runs away, leaving Clint with…a sprained ankle? I don’t know. I would have thought he was more likely to get a back or a head injury. After all, I watched the last episode of Full House.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h54m01s23
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Screech is being helpful by randomly cutting bark off a stick for no reason because…that seems western? He falls asleep in the middle and, I kid you not, we have a fucking five minute dream sequence. It’s now eleven minutes into the episode. That means most of the second half is this stupid dream sequence that has no bearing on anything. Sigh. Let’s take a look at it.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h54m27s26
Why, it’s the old west, and all the people this episode was already paying to appear are there! Tommy D is a blacksmith!vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h54m40s146
Brian is the sheriff! vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h55m09s190
Lindsay is…a hooker? I don’t know. I never quite get what she’s supposed to be since the only reason she’s there is to kiss Tommy D.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h55m59s174
Bobby is a sheriff’s deputy who suddenly gets his pants shot down. Does that mean someone shot Bobby in the penis? That could actually make this episode interesting! vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h56m09s29
Surprise, surprise. Clint is the villain, a rogue cowboy who enjoys seeing underage kids shot in the penis. Bobby declares there’s only one man who can stand up to Clint, the “Harmonica Kid.” Gee, I wonder who that’s going to be.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h56m35s33
It’s convenient when the “outskirts of town” are nicely signed near a person who the gang just said doesn’t want to be found.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h56m54s224
Oh, they just keep surprising me with these plot twists! Screech is the Harmonica Kid! I never would have guessed! vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h57m09s109
Oh, and Mr. Belding is a drunk hillbilly who, for some reason, lives with Screech. Is this The New Class’s version of Brokeback Mountain?
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Brian and Megan, who’s the school teacher in this universe, come to beg Screech to take care of Clint. For once, I’m glad the Saved by the Bell universe isn’t historically accurate. Given their track record for racial sensitivity, I almost expected Megan to come out with chains on. vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h58m26s112
It takes all of about thirty seconds to convince Screech to rip off his clothes and his fake mustache, ready to fight Clint once he realizes he had another change of clothes under his clothes.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h58m44s23
They had nothing else to do with Rachel in this dream sequence so she’s selling anachronistic souvenirs because…anachronism is automatically funny?
It’s time for the fight.
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We first get an uncomfortable close-up of Screech. vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h59m48s162
And we see Clint is possessed by the devil. So I bet you have no idea how this gun fight is going to end. I bet you can’t possibly guess. Why, I guess I’ll tell you since it’s so hard to figure out.
Screech shoots the gun out of Clint’s hand and Clint runs away. My god, The New Class does know how to do crazy unpredictable plot twists, don’t they.
Everyone thinks Screech is super cool and get ready for an uncomfortable moment. vlcsnap-2014-10-13-12h00m21s240
You see, Screech gets kissed by not one…
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Not two…vlcsnap-2014-10-17-12h37m21s167
But three underage girls! So Screech’s dreams involve romantic favors from his teenage students. This show just keeps getting creepier and creepier.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-12h00m34s119
Screech wakes up to discover he’s actually making out with Fluffy. Oh, Fluffy, you can do so much better! Screech quickly deduces that if Fluffy is there, he’s not with Tommy D, and decides that something is wrong since they couldn’t possibly have come back while he was asleep. He decides it’s time for Super Screech to jump into action!
Meanwhile, the gang unfortunately still haven’t been eaten by the mountain lion yet and, since they haven’t eaten in three hours, they decide it’s time to go foraging for food lest their privileged asses have to *gasp* miss a meal! Oh no! Tommy D and Bobby find a group of conveniently stacked rocks that, if you squint, look like they’re kissing, and they decide that’s where the gold is.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-12h02m05s249
Tommy D suddenly falls into a booby trap that looks well constructed for a single miner from the nineteenth century. The rest of the gang took their Screech pills today and don’t notice that Tommy D fell in so, one after another, they each individually fall into the pit as they run towards the rocks. Seriously, Brian had five opportunities to realize something was wrong and he still falls in.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-12h02m19s143
Meanwhile, Clint is about to be killed by western cliche number 5,145, a rattle snake that hates psuedo bullies. vlcsnap-2014-10-13-12h02m25s199
Screech rides up at that moment on…a bicycle. He believed the gang was in trouble and his solution was to ride in on a bicycle. God, does this episode not run out of stupid things to do? Of course it doesn’t, because Screech decides the best thing to do is put the rattle snake to sleep with his harmonica. Clint is all, “That’s an idiotic idea that’s going to get us killed,” but Screech swears he knows what to do because…plot.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-12h03m26s42
Th rattle snake is all, “This entire episode is fucking bull shit!” and goes to sleep so that maybe the cameras will stop focusing on him. Clint feels sorry for being a mild jerk to Screech. They kiss and make up and ride off to help the gang.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-12h04m45s19
Screech and Clint quickly find the gang and use a conveniently placed rope that no one else noticed was there before to help the gang out of the trap.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-12h05m11s70Luckily Mr. Belding and Uncle Lester just happen to find the exact spot they’re in at that very moment since Screech didn’t think about how he was going to get them all back to the ranch. Uncle Lester’s all, “You’re all idiots! There’s no gold here.” Screech is everyone’s hero because he can ride a bicycle and charm rattle snakes and our episode ends with Screech having a puffed up ego.
I know I said I couldn’t imagine there would be anything worse than the Palisades Hills Country Club episodes and I figured The New Class would eventually prove me wrong, but I didn’t think they would prove me wrong in just two episodes…
Firsts: Gold Canyon Ranch.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:12:44 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 17: “Wanna Bet?”
*sigh* God hates me so the writers of The New Class decided you could never have enough of a horrible, awful thing. As a result, we’re still at the god damned ranch this week. Fuck my life. vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h18m50s41
In case you ever wanted to see Dustin Diamond sleeping, The New Class writers decided to fulfill your wish. He’s probably still dating Lisa in his head after all these years and the obsession has progressed to his dreams.
Mr. Belding, for whatever reason, decided it would be a good idea for his sanity if he slept in the same room as Screech. Our non-hero wakes Mr. Belding up at 4:50 in the morning and, though the magic of exposition, informs us that Uncle Lester and Clint left for a rodeo. Since they don’t care about the possibility of their rodeo being blown up or burnt down or commandeered by federal agents, they left Screech in charge because plot. Screech is in charge of organizing the big square dance because, once again, plot, and guilts Mr. Belding into helping him by talking incessantly as Mr. Belding tries to sleep. God, Screech is an asshole. vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h20m38s94
It’s time for breakfast and Megan spots these two guys who just randomly wandered unto the ranch apparently. Also, she sprouts a lady boner for the one on the left because all girls in the Saved by the Bell universe think statutory rape is hot. Turns out this is Bo and Travis. The two sit down with our gang for breakfast, where the best pick up line Megan can think of is that Bo’s tie is beautiful. Bo immediately does the logical thing and takes his tie off to give to Megan. Bobby sees this and hopes he can flirt with Travis for his boots, but Travis is in no way interested in being the pitcher for a one season character. vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h22m14s30
Bo offers to take Megan for a morning ride and she hopes this means she will finally be able to join the ranks of statutory rape victims from this universe. Instead, Bo has a merry-go-round in mind where the two sit and exposit about how the gang earned lots of money at the country club over the summer and how, even more amazingly, they haven’t spent it all on hookers and blow yet.vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h23m43s153 Megan and Bo join Travis where he’s sucking ass at playing horseshoes with Tommy D and Bobby. Bo bets $20 he’ll get a ringer while Travis encourages Tommy D and Bobby to bet against him. Bo sucks at life, though, and doesn’t even get close.vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h25m05s204
Screech, meanwhile, drives Mr. Belding crazy with all the power that’s gone to his penis from being in charge of square dancing. You can see it in Mr. Belding’s eyes: he’s finally going to snap and rid us of the most annoying character that was ever thrust on us in this universe long after he’d worn out his welcome.vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h25m48s122
In case there wasn’t enough creepiness for you in this episode, Screech pairs Mr. Belding with Lindsay so he can practice his square dance call, and it’s quite obvious that Screech has never seen a square dance in his life as he encourages the duo to do things during the square dance like fuck like jackrabbits and eat Miss Bliss’s cooch. Mr. Belding is like, “This is bullshit!” and quits before he can have any further charges brought against him.vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h26m44s175
Brian and Rachel beat Bo and Travis in ping pong, and, in case you forgot they’re shoving this damned relationship down our throats, Brian and Rachel remind us with a victory make out session. vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h28m42s44Bo and Travis are all, “I want in on that action!” Bo and Travis invite the gang for a poker game that evening, and Bobby utters the single stupidest line of the season: “If you guys play poker like you play horseshoes and ping pong, deal me in!” Yes, because no one was ever good at poker who couldn’t play horseshoes and ping pong. It’s like a prerequisite. God, I want to slap Bobby right now. After the gang leave, Bo and Travis exposit the obvious in case you’ve been living in a cave the last hundred years and didn’t pick up on a television cliche: they’re hustlers and they’re trying to get all the money the gang earned at the country club. No! Tell me it ain’t so!vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h28m58s219
Our gang decide the best way to practice for the big game is to play poker with each other using cookies. Brian’s a dumb ass and agreed to play poker despite the fact he doesn’t even know the names of the various cards. Brian would rather have Rachel’s cookies it seems. Mr. Belding comes up and lectures the gang on the evils of gambling but the others are all, “Fuck that old man! We do what we want!” vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h29m56s47
Nearby, Screech employs Lindsay to be his communicator with Mr. Belding. Lindsay tells Mr. Belding that Screech isn’t speaking to him and won’t do his laundry anymore. Why…was Screech touching Mr. Belding’s underwear to begin with?
It’s time for the poker game and I won’t bore you with the details since poker games aren’t exactly the stuff of riveting television, especially on The New Class. Bo and Travis purposely let the gang win at first but then, in writing cliche 5423, Bo and Travis win all the gang’s money. vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h32m13s132
Screech, who’s wearing underwear from the ’30s, engages in writing cliche 4356, pushing a line of yellow tape down the floor when you’re mad at someone and then not having access to all the things you need. Will someone please tell this show to do something for fuck’s sake!
After a commercial break, the gang changes into cliched cowboy clothes and bemoans the fact they were idiots. Megan actually says something reasonable by reminding them that they were the ones who kept playing. The gang decide the best way to cheer up is to engage in a form of dancing forced upon American elementary school students at an age when girls are still icky: square dancing.
Bo and Travis come in because Bo is feeling a bit horny. Megan tries to convince Bo to give the gang their money back but Bo says another reasonable thing: that the gang would have had no problem taking their money had the roles been reversed. Seriously, they have no idea that Bo and Travis are hustlers. We’re supposed to be pissed at Bo and Travis because we know they’re hustlers, but the gang are just being whiny cry babies. Megan is all, “That makes you an asshole that my friends are idiots!”
Mr. Belding rushes in and tells Screech that the sheriff sent a fax that two con men are cheating people at ranches. Seriously, are you sure it was a fax and not a telegram? I know how this universe likes telegrams. Mr. Belding assumes that Bo and Travis are the cheaters since they’re the only other two with speaking roles this week. vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h40m57s249
Mr. Belding sends Megan to call the police and decides he and Screech need to distract Bo and Travis until the sheriff gets there. Screech decides the best way to handle this is to creepily hit on Travis, but Mr. Belding decides to challenge the duo to a poker game.
Their plan rests on the fact that Screech is a complete dumb ass at life and keeps doing stupid things like showing Bo and Travis his card and throwing the cards around the room. vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h42m35s204
Screech’s stupidity distracts them long enough for the sheriff to arrive and Travis is like, “That’s what we get for hanging around people from The New Class!” The gang swear off gambling because there’s not a single bit of honest fun that can ever come from it, and our episode ends with our stupid, stupid cast members looking self-congratulatory.vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h43m25s197And, now, let us never speak of Gold Canyon Ranch again, as I’m sure it will soon be forgotten by the writers.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:13:22 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 18: “Breaking Up”
Remember how a few weeks ago we all completely hated “The Aftermath” because of how shallow of a conclusion it was to Zack Morris and Kelly breaking up? Well, now the writers of The New Class have their hands on it and…the result is completely expected.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h37m17s137
We open with the camera focusing an uncomfortably long time on this girl who we’ve never met. Gee, I wonder if she’s going to have something to do with this episode? Nah, couldn’t possibly. vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h37m29s252
Anyway, Tommy D and Lindsay walk into The Max and exposit that the girl is…Brian’s younger sister, Katie. Wait…what the hell…Brian’s supposed to be a foreign exchange student, not a part of a refugee family. What the hell is his sister doing in L.A.? Of course, seeing how little the writers of this show have already demonstrated they know about Switzerland, I wouldn’t be surprised if they thought it was a war-torn hell hole in the middle of Africa.
Tommy D wants to play video games but Katie and the extra who need not be named are hogging them so Lindsay goes over to ask if Katie minds if Tommy D plays video games with her, which I can only assume is euphemism for, “Will you give my boyfriend an awesome blowjob since I’m too frigid to touch his manly parts?” Katie is all, “Bring on the one who’s been given the most new character traits this year but is still the most boring member of the cast!”
Wait…Katie just spoke in an American accent…
WHAT THE FUCK?!?! They’re not even trying to make her sound Swiss! Who the hell is this girl?
Anyway, Tommy D distracted by Katie gives Lindsay time to go over and remind the rest of the gang that Tommy D’s birthday is coming up. No one can afford to buy him a present, though. vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h42m39s45
Just then, Milton and nerd sidekick of the episode, Clarence, walk in randomly shooting people for a Bayside archive video, and they’re annoying the shit out of everyone by just shoving the camera in their faces. Rachel even says they followed her in the girl’s locker room, which isn’t just annoying but criminal. Don’t worry, though: instead of calling the police, she sprayed them with perfume.
Brian gets the idea to make a video for Tommy D for his birthday as a surprise. To facilitate this, Brian tells Milton and Clarence that Mr. Belding hates having his face videotaped.
We then enter Mr. Belding’s office where the writers copy and pasted a conversation from last season between Mr. Belding, Scott, and Weasel. In this version of the conversation, Brian and Bobby convince Mr. Belding that Brian was a kick ass videographer back in Switzerland. They also tell Mr. Belding that Milton and Clarence suck ass.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h44m40s215
Milton and Clarence come in and shoot everything but Mr. Belding because they took their stupid pills today. Apparently it’s completely normal to barge in when the principal is having a meeting with other students and just start shooting. Mr. Belding tells them they suck ass and give the job to Brian and Bobby. Also, God must be making up for the ranch episodes because Screech is not in this episode. Mr. Belding says he’s off at a seminar on “Chalk Dust Pollution.” Five dollars says it’s just him talking with his blowup doll, Jessie’s Little House on the Prairie doll, and Emmanuel Lewis in a Shirley Temple outfit. vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h46m01s250
Brian’s strangely affectionate with Katie as he asks her to go into the auto shop and get Tommy D talking about cars. vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h46m13s124
See, Bobby’s hiding in the trash can so he can secretly video tape Tommy D and Katie’s conversation. Wow, the video taping in this episode is getting stalkerish. Anyway, Katie knows lots about cars despite the fact that she’s a girl, but since Jessie’s not around to go on a feminist rant, she just spills oil on Tommy D. Tommy D wipes it up with a cloth and throws it away in the same trash can Bobby’s in. Now let me put on my best Ben Stein voice as I say, “Oh, how hilarious.” vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h48m17s80
Brian films Lindsay at Tommy D’s locker because she wants to show off that he has a head shot of Natalia Cigliuti in his locker. Also, they make a huge deal over Tommy D giving Lindsay the combination on their first date, which I assume is euphemism for mild hand holding knowing Lindsay.
Tommy D comes around and Bobby hides in a trash can to keep shooting Tommy D secretly.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h49m33s73
He’s with Katie, though, and the audience loses their shit as the writers decide two scenes together are more than enough for Tommy D and Katie to fall in love. Brian and Bobby, meanwhile, have a hernia that Tommy D is the Kelly of this show.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h49m49s229
At The Max, Brian and Bobby show Megan and Rachel the footage of Tommy D getting to first base with Katie. They’re utterly shocked that more than one girl could find Tommy D attractive. Lindsay comes in and says she wants to throw Tommy D a surprise birthday party where they’ll show him the video. She leaves just as fast as she entered and the four decide the only thing to do is make Tommy D and Katie unattractive to each other. vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h55m45s210
Step one is for Brian and Bobby to convince Tommy D that Katie is as much a whore as he is. This random student tells them that all these love letters are from Katie because she’s more obsessed than the woman from Misery.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h56m03s115
Meanwhile, Latino Vanilla Ice here tells Tommy D that Katie has the hots for the way he says, “Ice, ice baby.” Finally, Bobby gets Katie to tell him the name of a certain Whitney Houston song from The Bodyguard really loudly.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h56m42s3
Since Tommy D is a moron, he doesn’t realize no one finds Bobby attractive since Bobby’s only done one non-idiotic thing in his life. vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h57m28s208
At The Max, Rachel and Megan do their best impression of being sad, which resembles cats in heat more than being sad. They convince Katie that Lindsay is dying and hasn’t told Tommy D and she really wanted the party to be a last gesture. vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h57m52s196
Brian is equally unconvincing at emoting sadness and looks like he’s about to throw up, but Katie’s not very bright either, as evidenced by the fact she likes Tommy D.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h58m28s47
The final cog in the plan is for Lindsay to come out wearing an “I Love Tommy” t-shirt that Rachel covered in cat hair since Lindsay is apparently allergic to cats. Lindsay starts coughing and this is enough anecdotal evidence for Katie to buy the bullshit story.
At Bayside, Tommy D and Katie decide not to date because they’re both idiots who believed the elaborate ruses set for them. Bobby sees this and reports it to the rest of the gang, who wish there had been some easier way to have taken care of all this, like maybe telling Lindsay her boyfriend is a whore. They decide to go off and watch the video tape. vlcsnap-2014-10-30-20h00m18s119
Right at that exact moment, Milton and Clarence come down the stairs and decide to invite Mr. Belding to Tommy D’s part, telling him the video will be shown there. Of course, this is really Milton and Clarence’s nefarious plan to get revenge on Brian and Bobby by having Mr. Belding show up to sexually harass everyone. vlcsnap-2014-10-30-20h01m21s244
Lindsay tells Tommy D she’s cooking a dinner for him but Tommy D doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday, which must mean something is wrong! They keep up an exchange of bad acting for about a minute until Tommy D decides to go to the dinner after all. Lindsay’s all, “Something’s wrong! It has to be! Something’s always wrong when Tommy D falls back into bad acting!”vlcsnap-2014-10-30-20h01m32s88
At the party, Lindsay is all, “Tommy D be acting all whack, yo!” vlcsnap-2014-10-30-20h02m16s9
Before she can discover anything, Tommy D shows up and is all surprised and shit by the surprise and shit.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-20h03m13s72
Tommy D and Lindsay dance all half-heartedly and stuff until Katie walks in and gives Tommy D a present. Tommy D, because he’s a complete idiot, gives Katie a kiss right there directly in front of Lindsay. As Lindsay tries to wrap her head around the shit going down in front of her, the rest of the gang decide it’s time to show Tommy D his video. Lindsay, meanwhile, drags Megan and Rachel out so they can tell her off-screen about Tommy D and Katie. vlcsnap-2014-10-30-20h03m55s236 Mr. Belding comes walking right into Lindsay’s house because everyone in this universe walks in houses without permission. Mr. Belding takes about thirty seconds to realize it’s not a video about Bayside but a birthday video for Tommy D. Mr. Belding’s not pissed or anything but tells Brian and Bobby they’ll have to redo the video after school the next two weeks. What exactly was the point of that subplot? Just to give Mr. Belding something to do? vlcsnap-2014-10-30-20h06m16s109
Lindsay drags Tommy D outside to perform the second most unintentionally hilarious scene of the season after the whole anorexia blackout scene. See, Lindsay’s sad, then she’s sadder, then she’s just upset that the relationship is over and she’s all, “But dating you is my one thing with Scott gone! What is my character going to do now that my boyfriend is a hoe bag!” They break up because Tommy D is so in love with Katie, which is why she’ll never be seen or mentioned in this series again. Seriously, at least Saved by the Bell did another episode with Jeff to show he was a slut bag too. But, yeah, Natalia Cigliuti and Jonathan Angel’s acting in this scene is horrendously awful.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-20h07m20s252And our episode ends with Tommy D and Lindsay embracing as they wait for season three to come upon them so they have something else to do.
So, this is the episode that completely fucks up this season’s timeline. Tommy D and Lindsay are dating in the country club and ranch episodes. Brian and Rachel are not dating in the school episodes. The country club and ranch episodes could not take place in between seasons one and two because Screech is there and he was definitely not there before “The Return of Screech,” in which Brian and Rachel are not dating. The country club and ranch episodes could not take place in the summer after the season two school episodes since Tommy D and Lindsay are now no longer a couple and since there will be cast changes at the beginning of season three. So…you figure it out. When the hell do all these episodes take place?
All I can say is bon voyage to the couple I never cared about and apparently neither did the writers of this show either. Also, I’m still confused why Brian has a sister with an American accent.
Firsts: Tommy D and Lindsay break up.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:15:16 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 19: “The Class of 2020″
You know what, say what you will about the clip episodes from Saved by the Bell. At least the original series had the decency to wait until their final season to do their clip episodes, even if there were a shit ton of them and they did suck ass. The New Class is doing their first clip episode…after only two seasons, the first of which was a thirteen episode season. Oh, The New Class, have you no shame? Wait, I know the answer to that…
vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h42m38s88 Our framing story is that Mr. Belding is making a video for the Bayside class of 2020 to see what people in the ’90s were like.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h42m55s255
Of course, Screech assists him because what else would Screech have to do on this show?vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h43m00s52
Now imagine you open a time capsule twenty-five years in the future, watch the video, and this is what you see. I believe I would have the impression Bayside was a school for the mentally challenged in the ’90s.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h44m22s104
Anyway, our regulars, in pairs of two, get to talk about episodes that featured them since the things that happen on the show are apparently the only things on this show that mattered. First up are Megan and Bobby, who thinks this is what fashion will look like in 2020. God help us if we’re all dressed as the Tin Man’s idiot nephew.
Now, it’s my policy that I refuse to review a bunch of scenes that were already stupid to begin with just because the writers were so lazy they decided to do a clip show. I will say that the theme of this clip show is “couples,” which is problematic with Megan and Bobby given they’re not a couple. Leave it to the writers of this stupid show to use the subplot from “A Perfect Lindsay” about Megan teaching Bobby to dance as a positive moment in their fake relationship. Yeah, once again trivialize the main plot about anorexia and don’t even mention it during Lindsay’s segment. Instead, let’s talking about dancing.
God, I hate this show.
With that said, instead of reviewing stupid clips, let’s play a game called, “Things That are More Interesting than The New Class.” I welcome your additions in the comments below. Here’s my first four.
Walking Dead
The Walking Dead.
Chicago Fire
Soccer.
Superman Spiderman Batman
Comic books.
Beer
Beer.
vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h50m18s71
Seriously, imagine you’re in 2020 and this is the picture you get of the ’90s. I would deny coming of age in the ’90s if this is what it meant.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h50m35s233
Tommy D and Lindsay are up next and Tommy D is fascinated by this cookoo clock about as much as a toddler is fascinated with a game of peek-a-boo. For the record, they’re still broken up.
Now, since the clips are starting again, here are four more things more interesting than The New Class.
Doing Your Taxes
Doing your taxes.
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Zack Morris’s incredibly large freckles on his legs and arms.
Pet Dander
Pet dander.
Cat wearing Sunglasses
Cats wearing sunglasses.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h57m02s21
It’s now Brian and Rachel’s turn and the writers decide to pretend like they’ve been developing Rachel’s love of shopping all season so they throw in an unfunny gag about her writing her own book on shopping. Oh, and to confuse matters even more about the timeline, they’re now dating in the school episodes as they use footage from the country club episodes that shows them dating.
But no time for all that! It’s clip time again, which means it’s time for four more things more interesting than The New Class!
Vanilla Ice
Vanilla Ice.
Vanilla Icecream
Vanilla Ice Cream.
7th Heaven
7th Heaven.
Watching Paint Dry
Watching paint dry. vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h59m23s134
So now that the students have all contributed to the video, there are only two regulars left to reminisce about the episodes they’ve been in.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h59m46s127
Screech also manages to do the most disturbing skit involving Trolls dolls I’ve ever seen in my life. Seriously, I think he escaped from a psychiatric hospital after The College Years was cancelled.
It’s time for clips again so it’s time for my final four choices of things more interesting than The New Class.
Snow ShirtlessSpending time in the snow while wearing swimming trunks.
Dust MiteDust mites.
ShowgirlsElizabeth Berkley’s career post-Saved by the Bell.
Mary Kate Ashley Olson
And. of course, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson.
So I hope you’ve enjoyed this look at things that are more interesting than The New Class. Unfortunately, next week, we’re back to our regular scheduled awfulness. For now, though, let’s just hope that there won’t be a spin-off in 2020 to open the time capsule from this awful class.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:15:45 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 20: “Drinking 101″
Oh god…this episode isn’t opening well…please let this be a social studies lesson on the Rockies…vlcsnap-2014-11-13-20h51m04s177
Oh god…please let this be a film the gang is watching on skiing. No, of course it isn’t. It’s yet another fucking location episode. God, why must you punish me so? Is it because you’re secretly a fan of Showgirls and get pissed when I say it ruined Elizabeth Berkley’s career? Is it because I think the Olson twins were the worst things in prime time in the ’90s? Was it because of that time I took caffeine pills? Oh, God, why must you forsaken me?
Yes, Mr. Belding and Screech are taking the gang and select extras on a ski trip to Mount No-Name-in-California. vlcsnap-2014-11-13-20h52m00s232
The gang is excited that there won’t be any parents for the next week but Screech is kind enough to creepily let Tommy D know that he can call him his “Happy Pappy.” Is that a hillbilly drug dealer? Seriously, did the writers think that was funny at all or were they just stoned out of their minds while they were writing this piece of crap?
Meanwhile, Bobby complains about penguins living in his underwear and Lindsay notices a hot guy because she’s a girl and all girls think about are guys. Rachel wants to get a little something something with Brian but Brian’s Swiss and all Swiss people want to do is ski. It’s like their Viagra.
vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h32m54s162
Mr. Belding trips over Tommy D’s skis in the most awkward position since Zack Morris’s trip over Mr. Belding in “The Surgery.” And the result?
vlcsnap-2014-11-13-20h53m38s206
You guessed it! That was enough to give Mr. Belding a sprained ankle! Are bones just much more brittle in the Saved by the Bell universe? Anyway, he has to stay off his ankle for a few days but he tells the gang to go and have fun.
Unfortunately, in yet another subplot, Rachel thinks she’s at a fashion show and not a ski trip and she’s taking quite literally hours to decide what to wear to ski. Brian’s all, “Fuck this bullshit!” and leaves her to go skiing with Tommy D and Bobby.
vlcsnap-2014-11-13-20h54m50s154
Screech decides to take Mr. Belding sledding through the absolutely worst simulated set of a mountain I’ve ever seen. Seriously, this set is worse than some of the ones from the original Star Trek. vlcsnap-2014-11-13-20h55m35s96
Of course, the writers suddenly decide Screech is scared of heights and he leaves Mr. Belding to plummet to his death.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-20h56m04s122
Back at the ski lodge, meet Chris, Lindsay’s college age love interest for the episode who helps her take her ski boots off, which is like third base in the Saved by the Bell universe. Lindsay tells Chris that she’s also college age, which is an obvious lie, and that she goes to Cal U. Chris decides that Lindsay is suitable to have his babies so he invites her to a frat party…at the ski lodge. Yeah.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-20h57m21s119
The boys arrive back after a full day of skiing to find Rachel still trying on clothes and Rachel’s all, “That’s okay. My vagina is moist for some huge Swiss meat.” Brian’s all, “That sounds fun and all but I want to ski again tomorrow and hopefully find a mountain lion to fuck so I’m going to bed.” Rachel’s all pissed that Brian would dare want to ski on a skiing trip. But before they can fight it out, Bobby’s underwear catches on fire and Tommy D and Brian rush off after him so they can smother the fire in his pants.
Lindsay tells Megan all about Chris and Megan is all judgmental because her own vagina is a barren desert. Lindsay tells Megan and Rachel about the party. Rachel instantly wants to go because of the stupid subplot involving her and Brian. Megan doesn’t want to go at first until they see some of Chris’s hot college friends and she instantly gets a lady boner.
Screech comes in and tells the girls he’s throwing a get well soon party for Mr. Belding tonight because…plot, and assumes the girls want to come. Lindsay’s all, “We’re going to go to both because I want to find out what I’ve been missing shackled to Tommy D for the past two years!”vlcsnap-2014-11-13-20h59m29s131
In the girls’ room, Lindsay wants to dress like this to go to a party with hot guys. Rachel says this is so uncool and throws Lindsay a leather jacket so she can look more like Tori, the coolest kid to ever have gone to Bayside. They then proceed to argue over their knowledge of college life based on the gospel of Beverly Hills, 90210. vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h00m13s52
Boy, Screech really knows how to throw a party doesn’t he? This is the most exciting party I’ve seen since the Heaven’s Gate party.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h00m22s142
So Screech sucks ass at charades. The girls decide they’ve had enough of this lame ass party and decide to sneak off so they can go to the frat party. The boys become suspicious and decide to stalk them.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h02m22s54
But not before Tommy D is volunteered to hit a giant pinata with Mr. Belding’s face on it. God, I really don’t want to know what Screech filled that thing with… vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h02m49s60
At the party, Megan and Rachel are enjoying an exciting night of talking about college majors with two men who could be arrested for statutory rape if they touched their downstairs areas. Lindsay, meanwhile, decides that Chris is a thousand times better than Tommy D because he’s not a complete idiot, and imagines what it would be like to marry him.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h04m03s42 The boys locate the girls and Tommy D’s genius mind automatically assumes that Rachel is there because she goes to college. Are we sure that Tommy D isn’t Screech’s long lost brother who was mentioned in Good Morning, Miss Bliss?vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h05m08s194
The boys sneak into the party and Brian does his best to look disapproving as Rachel seems determined to have fun. See, Brian’s already learned that, in the Saved by the Bell universe, going to a party means you’re going to leave knocked up or with a duck or something. vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h06m10s41
Lindsay, meanwhile, drinks the evil horrible vile drink known as beer in order to fit in with the college crowd, and let me tell you: if you thought Natalia Cigliuti was a horrible actress, just wait until you see her try to pretend to be drunk. It’s like watching Dustin Diamond try to appear likeable. Also, a vixen comes in and woos Tommy D with her villainous charm because Tommy D is willing to drink beer with her and that’s apparently the only criteria needed to be fuckable on The New Class. It’s nice to know Tommy D is such a piece of crap that he would break up with Lindsay just a few episodes ago for Katie and then forget Katie ever existed. A real charmer, this one.
Now cue the moralizing about the evils of alcohol in 3, 2, 1…
Megan comes in and finds Lindsay in some semblance that would count as being drunk in some parallel universe and proceeds to judge her for daring to let Satan’s brewsky touch her lips.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h06m48s160
Rachel also takes a drink but instantly spits it out on random college guy here because alcohol will make your tongue fall out! vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h07m12s159
Tommy D and random girl come in and Tommy D offers Bobby a drink. Bobby says he’s saving himself for the priesthood since that’s the only way he’s ever going to get any.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h07m56s72
Random girl decides to go for a spin on a stolen snow mobile that just happens to be conveniently parked indoors. Bobby tries to talk Tommy D out of the snow mobile since he’s been drinking, apparently not caring about the consequences of stolen property, but Tommy D is all, “I’m an idiot so I’ve got to illustrate our moral this week!”
Lindsay’s acting continues to get worse the more alcohol she drinks.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h08m39s241
Screech comes in and finds Brian and Bobby. Seeing Megan and Rachel there too, he quickly deduces using what little brain power he possesses that the gang snuck out to go to the party. Being the responsible adult chaperon he is, he tells them to just get back upstairs for Mr. Belding’s surprise cake that Miss Bliss is going to jump through.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h10m07s96 Screech goes to retrieve Lindsay and lets the cat out of the bag she’s in high school. Chris is all, “I can’t claim ‘She lied to me’ as self-defense now that someone’s actually named your age, so see ya!”vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h11m07s180
Back at Mr. Belding’s party, Ron brings out cake for Mr. Belding that Lindsay almost falls into. She then falls on a nearby bed.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h11m49s98
Rachel and Brian make up for their stupid little sub-plot that went nowhere. Lindsay interrupts their tinder moment to go throw up the Ruffies that Chris slipped her and Mr. Belding suddenly realizes something’s up. The gang confess everything to him quickly because they’re like the fastest group of high schoolers to confess to something in history.
With less than a minute left in the episode, a ski patrolman comes in and tells Mr. Belding that Tommy D had an accident on his snowmobile. Well, duh! He tried to drive it through the ski lodge but the Kool-Aid Man he is not! Mr. Belding blames Bobby for the accident because Bobby didn’t tackle and hold him to keep him off the snowmobile. vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h12m59s35
Tommy D has a broken leg, Lindsay has a hang-over, and Mr. Belding moralizes over how they should have just said no to alcohol and stopped their friends because people apparently don’t have free will in the Saved by the Bell universe. He grounds them all for the weekend because they’re all bad, evil people who dared let the sin of drink on their tongue. The moral lesson here: you’re always responsible for your friends actions no matter how stupid they are because you should apparently just set fire to a party rather than just let them make their own choices.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h13m38s166And our episode ends with Screech increasing liability for Bayside as he proceeds to whack Tommy D in the foot with a ski. Nice going, Dumbass.
Really, I don’t get why they hate alcohol so much. If it weren’t for alcohol, the only people who would watch these episodes are internet reviewers with too much time on their hands.
Firsts: The ski lodge.
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