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Post by sbtbfanatic on Apr 14, 2015 15:23:22 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 2 Recap
Season two of Saved by the Bell was probably when the show finally STARTED coming into its own. It wasn’t really trying horrible gimmicks yet to attract viewers, and there are some very good episodes in this season. I feel like this was the season that kept the franchise afloat for another nine years.
Yet, mixed in among great episodes like “The Prom” and “The Fabulous Belding Boys” were atrocious episodes like “Running Zack.” As always, the Saved by the Bell grab bag has to be a mixed one. And this isn’t even considering the fact that two out of season episodes made it into the mix. The show may not have jumped the shark this season, but the fin was definitely waiting to come out.
On top of all this, the DVDs for both seasons one and two were absolute, utter messes. I could forgive putting all four out of season episodes on the season one DVD. There’s actually some logic to that when you think about it. What I can’t forgive is the fact the episodes are advertised as in airing order but are definitely not in airing order. On top of that, three season two episodes are actually on the season three DVD: “The Fabulous Belding Boys,” “Breaking Up is Hard to Undo,” and “The Glee Club.” This is just messy and unforgivable. On top of that, The Summer of Morris, another Saved by the Bell review blog, has pretty much confirmed that what we have are cut episodes after that blog was able to dig up a lost scene from “The Zack Tapes.”
This is just unforgivable. What the DVDs are essentially saying is that they know we’ll buy these episodes no matter what crap they put out because they know we want the episodes. At this point, I have nothing but disgust for Lionsgate for doing this.
Let’s talk characterization.
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Oh, Zack Morris. You started off the season with so much promise when you actually did something admirable for Kelly in “The Prom.” You had to go and ruin it by being yourself, though, didn’t you. Between his racist portrayal of Native Americans, his desire to cheat on Kelly with the school nurse, and his attempt to sabotage Kelly’s chance to go to Paris, Zack Morris continues his trend of douchebaggery and takes it to new, unheard of levels. Zack Morris shows no growth this season, and he just becomes the kind of character you want to punch in the face.
vlcsnap-2014-06-29-19h02m15s113Speaking of punching people in the face, Screech’s character this season shows the beginnings of the annoying character who’s going to be with us for the next nine years. He’s a complete moron, totally unlikeable, and yet the gang still lets him hang around with them. He gets a girlfriend this season but forgets about her unless it’s convenient to the plot. We meet his mother but only so it can be established she’s as much an idiot as her son. Peter Engel wasn’t lying: Screech’s point on this show is to try and salvage really bad scenes, and it shows.
vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h29m14s42Oh, Kelly, you showed so much potential this season. You were the focus of one of the best episodes of the season and you carried over your likeable bits. Unfortunately, Kelly is defined by men, and I only realized it this season. Without men to fight over her, she has no character. I mean, really, the only things I know about Kelly other than her being beautiful and attractive to the male characters is that she’s poor, she is either tone deaf or a musical genius, and she has lots of siblings, and none of these things are mentioned unless they’re directly needed for the plot. This is an instance where the writers could replace a character with a toaster oven without effecting the show.
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Poor Elizabeth Berkley. You will always be remembered for two things: Showgirls and being a caffeine pill addict. Jessie doesn’t have a lot to do this season outside getting over her addiction and pursuing Slater like a psychopath. She has minor subplots in other episodes but they never amount to much. Though Jessie has more characteristics than Kelly, she’s still defined by her pursuit of Slater which, in itself, is a pretty minor subplot this season.
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Lisa’s on the show a lot, but she never does anything. She’s usually only there to get in on the antics of the gang, to insult Screech, or to act as the voice of reason, which is quite sad considering this is the girl who, last season, thought it would be a good idea to let Zack Morris prostitute her out to pay back her father. I can’t think of a SINGLE memorable Lisa scene this season and that’s quite sad, especially considering she’s been around since Good Morning, Miss Bliss.
vlcsnap-2014-05-06-17h49m12s253If there’s a character this season who really has no purpose, it’s Slater. The biggest plot he’s a part of this season was in “Save the Max,” and there he doesn’t even have a large role. The writers wrap up his infatuation with Kelly pretty early in the season and, without Zack Morris to fight with, the writers don’t seem to know what to do with Slater. He off and on pursues Jessie this season but that’s about it. Everything else is relegated to minor sub-plot status. Of course, they did find an excuse for him to take his shirt off this season for fan service, but there’s no reason for him to be there other than to be a pretty boy.
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Mr. Belding gets the most development of any character this season as we get an episode that shows just how much he cares for his students. Yet, despite this, we still get moronic plots involving him such as “Breaking Up is Hard to Undo,” where he shows pederastic tendencies. Most episodes he continues to be relegated to the background, which is probably how it should be since he’s meant to be Zack Morris’s foil.
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With this recap, it’s time to say goodbye to the first Saved by the Bell cast member to depart: Ed Alonzo. We’ll see him show up in a couple more out of season episodes, but this is the last season he actually appeared in. I don’t know why Max was given the boot, but I can only assume it was because the writers realized he was the most redundant character on the show. He never did anything useful and gave horrible advice. He also apparently randomly snuck around Bayside taking pictures of all the students.
So what did Ed Alonzo do after Saved by the Bell? Not much, it turns out. He’s made a few sporadic appearances on talk shows and in sitcoms such as Murphy Brown, How I Met Your Mother, and Modern Family, but he’s never had another major role. He continues performing magic and, from what I understand, he completely whores out the fact he was a regular on Saved by the Bell for a season to get people to come see him. But, yeah, he’s a definite d-list celebrity at this point and most people don’t even remember he was a regular on this show.
vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h46m19s65Season two of Saved by the Bell is definitely better overall than season one, and I’d rather rewatch some of these episodes than much of what is to come. But it’s time to move on into season three as Saved by the Bell essentially becomes even more centered around Zack Morris than it already was.
My Picks
As usual, I encourage you to agree or disagree with my picks in the comments section below.
Five Episodes I Loved:
1. “The Fabulous Belding Boys” (Episode 15): This is, hands down, the best episode this season. The plot is mostly realistic, we get some amazing characterization for Mr. Belding, and Zack Morris really does learn something in the end. It’s going to be hard to beat this episode as my favorite of the series.
2. “The Prom” (Episode 1): This could have easily given “The Fabulous Belding Boys” some serious COMPETITION had it not been for the stupid subplots. Still, it’s a really good episode and I found myself genuinely empathizing with Kelly. I wish there were more episodes like these two.
3. “Jessie’s Song” (Episode 9): Don’t get me wrong. This is not a good episode. However, it is absolutely hillarious how ludicrous it is. Even more, it’s amazing that the writers thought this was a good idea. It’s the most infamous episode of the series by far and lives on as fodder for Elizabeth Berkley jokes.
4. “From Nurse to Worse” (Episode 16): I love it when Zack Morris acts like an asshole and gets his comeuppance. It may be completely improper for the nurse to conspire with the gang for revenge, but it’s great to see him get what he deserves nonetheless. It’s slightly hampered by the “Slater doesn’t want a FLU SHOT” subplot, but it’s solid nevertheless.
5. “The Glee Club” (Episode 18): Okay, if I have to pick one more episode, it’s this one. It’s a solid episode that gives us some characterization for Violet and really shows off how much talent Aaron Spelling’s MONEY can buy. It’s probably the only decent episode involving Screech this season.
Three Episodes that I Hate:
1. “Running Zack” (Episode 13): I hate this episode. I hate every SINGLEsolitary minute of this twenty-two minute piece of racist garbage. I hate that someone thought this was bringing up sensitive issues in a wise way. I hate that Zack Morris is even more racist when he thinks he’s being racially sensitive. I hate that we, the audience, are insulted by the idea that Zack Morris is deeply affected by the passing of a minor supporting character he met twice. I hate that this episode exists.
2. “Blind Dates” (Episode 6): This is an episode without a reason for existing. The entire thing would have been cleared up if Zack Morris had just told Kelly and his parents that Mr. Belding was blackmailing him. Instead, we get a half hour of insufferable nonesense that is insulting to two year olds.
3. “Breaking Up is Hard to Undo” (Episode 17): All the characterization Mr. Belding received in “The Fabulous Belding Boys” is thrown down the drain as he crosses so many professional boundaries. What writer thought the concept of a principal hanging out in his student’s bed and talking about his love life problems was a good idea?
Honorable Mentions:
“Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind” (Episode 12) and “The Babysitters” (Episode 14): It’s no wonder NBC choose not to air these episodes during the first season. They’re two of the worst episodes I’ve seen in the franchise, and that includes what I’ve seen of The New Class. These episodes are subpar, even by Saved by the Bell standards, and should never have seen the light of day.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Jun 11, 2015 10:33:07 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 1: “The Fight”
We open the season on the first day of the gang’s senior year, where Zack Morris and Slater are being huge assholes to this freshman who looks nothing like a freshman. In fact, he looks older than both of them! I’ve been complaining for three seasons that the producers of this show have no idea what a teenager looks like. Nice to see some things don’t change. They extort money out of the freshman by telling him he has to buy a pass from one of them to use the restroom on the roof and, since no one in the Saved by the Bell universe has any common sense, he believes them and buys it.
The girls join them and they all commiserate on how awesome it is to be a senior because…SENIOR! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! Also, they’re super stoked about the never before mentioned annual “Senior Kickoff Party.” It’s a party that’s unchaperoned so I assume there will be lots of finger banging going on.
vlcsnap-2015-02-19-20h56m34s196And, in case you ever wanted to see something absolutely ridiculous, Mr. Belding comes down wearing the worst wig and sports coat you’ve ever seen in your life. He says he had to change his appearance to keep his hoe, so he naturally picked a new style that would be most likely to repulse her. vlcsnap-2015-02-19-20h58m24s3
The rest of the gang rush to class as the bell rings and Zack Morris meets his new locker neighbor. This may be the single most perverted screenshot I’ve ever had from this show. Oh, Zack Morris. Her eyes aren’t down there! vlcsnap-2015-02-19-20h58m34s117
He turns on the ‘ole Zack Morris charm and she doesn’t immediately run away in horror so I assume that means he has a chance. Turns out she’s a new student and that’s about all we find out as we cut to the next scene.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-20h59m08s198
Oh, the wackiness, as Slater meets the same girl and it’s apparent he likes her, too. Didn’t they already do this plot…for like most of season one? This time, we find out her name is Joanna and she moved there from Idaho in order to be a convenient plot point. Mr. Belding announces for new students to report to the auditorium for orientation so Joanna leaves.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-20h59m46s69 Since she leaves, she doesn’t yet get to meet the latest addition to Bayside’s psychotic faculty, Mr. Breskin. He decides that the first day of school is a great time to give a test because he must be another of those teachers who thrives on seeing his students fail. Sounds like, by season four, they were recycling ideas.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h00m48s178
After class, Lisa meets her newest potential serial monogamy fulfillment in Darren, who conveniently borrowed Zack Morris’s sweater from “The Aftermath.” Lisa asks Darren to the Senior Kickoff Party and he accepts on condition she’ll go to the movies with him on Wednesday and let him get to second base.
Zack Morris and Slater, in comedy cliche #568, come around the corner, each bragging about Joanna without saying her name so that neither realize they’re talking about the same girl. Oh, the buildup to obvious conclusion!
At The Max, the gang get super pissed that two freshmen are occupying their booth because freshmen aren’t allowed by law to occupy that booth unless it’s the gang back in season one. Yeah, this makes no sense and it’s really only around to provide more “freshmen are stupid” fodder for the episode.
Darren comes in and joins the freshmen. Wouldn’t you know it: the gang find out Darren’s a freshman! Oh, the shock and horror! A senior dating a freshman! That never happens except all the time! Really, I know this senior snobbery existed but some of my best friends in high school were younger than me. The gang’s attitude in this episode towards freshman is just plain stupid!vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h03m49s201
Joanna comes in, revealing to Zack Morris and Slater that they both like the same girl…again. They immediately go into super macho masculine mode, each in an effort to make her their property once and for all. They ask her to the senior kickoff party, quite literally both at the same time, and then act as creepy as possible around her.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h04m38s170
Back at Bayside, Zack Morris and Slater decide to stick as close to Joanna as possible in the hopes that she’ll become one of their property. They try to help her cheat on another of Mr. Breskin’s ridiculous tests but their efforts are rewarded with…extra homework? I don’t understand how this class works. heat on a test, get more work?
After the bell rings, Jessie and Kelly try to tell Lisa about Darren’s chronic freshmanism, but he comes to walk her to her next class so they allow the plague to continue. Zack Morris invites Joanna to his house for a study date, and Slater ups the ante by inviting her to a movie.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h07m04s92
In the locker room, Lisa comes to tell Jessie and Kelly all about how some schmuck of a senior is dating a lowly freshman and how it’s social suicide because…plot. Jessie and Kelly finally give her the news about Darren, and she reacts about as would be expected on this show: by freaking the fuck out over the possibility she may be dating someone a couple years younger than her. Gee, if only all the creepy older men in this franchise who like high school girls thought the same thing.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h07m41s208
On their study date, Zack Morris and Joanna quite literally put their heads together because….Zack Morris’s head must be an erogenous zone? vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h08m29s162
But, uh oh, Slater comes in with a leaf blower to vacuum the carpet. Yeah, I wonder if the writers realize this isn’t what a vacuum looks like. Anyway, the leaf blower somehow sucks up Zack Morris’s homework and then manages to get Joanna to invite him to stay because she seems to have no fucking clue that two men are vying for her as property. Besides, if they keep up this fighting, they’ll wake Laura and Frank, who are, no doubt, locked in the basement.
The next day, at the movies, Slater and Joanna run into Darren, who’s been stood up by Lisa.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h10m16s221
The most horrifying usher to have during a horror movie randomly shines his flashlight in Slater’s face. Turns out Screech is part of a master scheme by Zack Morris to interfere with Slater and Joanna’s date.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h10m58s124
See, Zack Morris hired a random Latino woman to pose as Slater’s mother dressed as June Cleaver. I wonder how Zack Morris knows so many out of work actors willing to scam high school students? I guess at least he didn’t hire James the Actor to dress up as a woman. But, yeah, Joanna becomes convinced that Slater’s just ashamed of his mother, especially when Screech comes back and calls her “Mrs. Slater.”
The next day at school, Zack Morris and Slater are all…
vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h13m08s152 They break out in full fight in the middle of the hallway. The girls yell at them to stop and it takes a principal in a bad wig to break up the fight. Doesn’t it always?vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h13m28s98
In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding quickly figures out a girl is involved with this stupid plot and tells Zack Morris and Slater about how a girl wrecked one of his friendships. They’re both like, “Will you shut the fuck up and take off that ridiculous getup?!?!” He gets them to apologize and shake hands and, despite it being the most half-hearted attempt I’ve ever seen, agrees not to suspend them as long as hey get along. Yeah, guess schools didn’t have no tolerance for fights policies in the ’90s, even though they totally did.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h14m48s128
Meanwhile, Darren confronts Lisa about standing him up. She’s all, “But you’re a freshman.” He’s like, “You’re a shallow self-centered twat. Fuck off!” and walks off.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h15m46s196
Joanna tells both Zack Morris and Slater to fuck off because she’s neither of their property since she’ll never be on the show again. She storms off, leaving both the idiots convinced the other ruined their chance with her.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h16m14s226
At the senior kickoff party…of course it’s at The Max! Where else would a Bayside party be held? It’s not like The Max has anything to do but cater to the every whim of Bayside students! Anyway, Lisa comes in with Darren because she realizes freshmanitis isn’t contagious and she’s all, “Fuck all those haters!”
The girls and Screech are initially unsure whether Zack Morris and Slater will show up.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h17m21s91
But they do show up and Slater makes it clear he doesn’t want anything to do with someone who’s as immature as himself. Meanwhile, Mr. Belding randomly shows up because he’s needed for the plot.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h18m22s221
Zack Morris and Slater both go for punch at the same time and, rather than punch each other again, they proceed to pour punch down each others’ shirts and pants and shit. A fight is about to break out again when Mr. Belding steps in.vlcsnap-2015-02-19-21h18m50s233While trying to stop the fight, Mr. Belding’s bad wig falls in the punch. This makes Zack Morris and Slater start laughing. Mr. Belding leaves without his wig. He says he now knows he looked like a jack ass in it. Strange thing is he just leaves it in the punch. He doesn’t try to retrieve it. I sure hope nobody else wanted punch at this party!
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Laughter really must be a panacea because suddenly everything is okay and they each apologize and forgive the other because we’re running out of time in this episode.And our episode ends with Zack Morris and Slater vowing to be best friends forever!
Is it just me or was most of this plot ripped off from a Good Morning, Miss Bliss episode?
Firsts: Mr. Breskin, senior year.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Jun 11, 2015 10:33:30 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 2: “Student Teacher Week”
We open at a school assembly where Jessie has a throw away gag about a ventriloquist dummy dying that has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the episode but which Zack Morris and Slater think is hilarious. Zack Morris and Slater, for some reason, announce that Slater, as star quarterback, is going to single-handed beat Valley Friday in the city championship because this episode will need some conflict in a minute. It’s nice that they just began their senior year last week and they’re already having a football championship. Finally, Mr. Belding announces that he has picked students to become teachers for Student Teacher Week based on essays the students wrote. Most of the names don’t matter because they’re not in the opening credits, but the ones we’re supposed to care about are Screech and Lisa as gym teachers and Kelly as a history teacher.
Since Zack Morris smarted off in his essay about how Mr. Belding never does anything as principal, he gets to be principal for the week because nothing can possibly go wrong with Zack Morris in charge! vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h27m02s204
At The Max, Screech has delusions that he is going to be a good gym teacher. Kelly says she wants to see if she’d make a good teacher since it’s becoming increasingly evident that housewife job she aspires to may not work out. And Zack Morris, of course, wants to abuse his position to look at naked women in the locker room.vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h27m26s184
The next day before history class, Slater goes over plays with some other football players. It’s nice to see that they let Scud, the smoking punk from “No Hope With Dope”, on the football team. It will be good for him to be a part of a team sport. Wait…that’s not Scud you say? That’s Ox? Well, he is a lot dumber than Scud. Maybe Scud got hit on the head and he’s now Ox? I think Ox may be the template for Tommy D’s idiocy later. vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h28m26s23
Kelly comes in to teach class and it’s clear right away that the students think she’s going to act like any other student with this sort of authority would: by abusing it. She tells them to shut the fuck up and get ready to cover both World Wars in one day. Man, that must be some crash history course. There’s a test tomorrow, which upsets Slater and the football players since they want to practice, but Kelly says she’s following the regular teacher’s lesson plans, so wouldn’t they know about the test well in advance?vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h30m03s225
Zack Morris, meanwhile, uses his authority as principal to ask out a couple really dumb and clueless girls. Boy, this school is going to have so many law suits by the end of the week!vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h31m29s66
Mr. Belding, meanwhile, plays Zack Morris and the real Zack Morris tells him he has detention for being out of class without a hall pass. This is the part that doesn’t make any sense. I get the whole student teacher exchange thing. But shouldn’t the real teachers be supervising them to ensure they don’t do anything like abuse their authority or burn the school down? That’s liability waiting to happen!
Slater comes in and convinces Zack Morris to get Kelly to cancel her test. He’s all, “Sure because I’m predictably irresponsible!”vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h32m58s181
Kelly comes in and Zack Morris convinces her to go along with his “no test” policy. Kelly suddenly forgets everything she knows about Zack Morris and believes that he’s really doing it because he cares about the students and doesn’t want to see them stressed out. Boy, Kelly, I have some oceanfront property in Arizona for you if you buy that one.vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h33m42s101 In gym, Screcch is predictably condescending to a bunch of nerds. Funny thing is that every single one of them looks more athletic than Screech.
Kelly comes in and tells Slater and Ox there won’t be a test tomorrow. Slater lets out that he convinced Zack Morris to cancel the test so she’s all, “Oh yeah! Well, you’re taking it anyway!”vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h36m12s75
In history class, none of the football players show up for Kelly’s test. The rest of the class bails when they realize the football players aren’t coming. Kelly feels like a failure and commiserates with Mr. Belding, who’s busy skipping detention. Mr. Belding tells Kelly that part of being a teacher is remaining in control of her class so, yes, she is a failure with a capital “F.” Uh, what should she do: tie them up and force them to take the test or watch episodes of The New Class as punishment? vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h37m29s46
In the principal’s office, Slater and Kelly come in fighting over the test. Zack Morris takes Slater’s side, saying Kelly violated the no test policy. Kelly’s all, “You’re all a bunch of dumb fucks and are acting exactly like anyone would expect you to act by not taking this seriously!” Zack Morris uses the old defense of “Come on!” and Kelly is like, “I guess you’re the stupid, immature asshole I should have always thought you were!” She leaves, telling Zack Morris to do the right thing. vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h39m18s143
Zack Morris calls Mr. Belding to the office and tells him he’s quitting because he doesn’t want to have to choose between friends. Mr. Belding is all, “Being principal isn’t about friends. It’s about doing what’s right, which is why Screech is so incompetent he should never be my administrative assistant!” Mr. Belding tells Zack Morris he can’t quit until he’s learned responsibility because he’s determined not to end this charade until Zack Morris’s blood is spilled on the carpet. vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h40m19s231
The pep rally which is, of course, being held at The Max, features the cheerleaders doing one of their usual lame cheers. Also, after a two season absence, I guess Jessie is now a cheerleader again. vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h41m33s207
Zack Morris comes in and tells them he’s suspending Slater and the rest of the football players who cut the test. The rest of the class get no consequences because they don’t matter to the plot.
Back at Bayside, Kelly tells Zack Morris she admires him for doing the right thing. He tells her that the football players want to start an insurrection and he’s now the most hated person in the school. I’m pretty sure Screech is still more hated.vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h42m28s245
Slater and the football players come in with a lynch mob ready to murder Zack Morris. See, this is exactly why there needs to be adult supervision of this shit! Ox and Bull, another football player, threaten to break Zack Morris’s neck but he just threatens to call their moms and that’s that since all thugs are easily calmed down through threat of calling their parents.
Slater tells Zack Morris that he turned on them and Zack Morris is all, “No, you’re all idiots even though I’m just as much of an idiot because I initially went along with your stupid plan! You took advantage of Kelly just like I did and you weren’t a good friend, just like I wasn’t!” Slater tells the mob Zack Morris is right. He apologizes to Kelly and this is enough to disperse the mob. Man, this is an easily influenced mob! vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h43m37s167
Zack Morris and Slater make up and Kelly says she wishes she could have given her first test because that would be so super awesome! Zack Morris comes up with a plan: have the football players take the make-up test during the first half of the game. vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h44m10s235
And so, they do it as Screech comes in randomly to spout random factoids about the Worlds Wars. Kelly threatens to murder him if he doesn’t stay the fuck, which I believe means every single member of the gang has now threatened to murder him. vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h45m11s83
The football players all pass the test despite Ox being dumber than a box of rocks and they go to play the game. Zack Morris monologues about how the game went.vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h45m57s31
We get some horribly shot stock footage that’s supposed to be Slater making touchdowns. Bayside comes back from a twenty-one point deficit to win the game 28-21 because the moral of this episode is that, even if you do horrible things, you’ll still win in the end.vlcsnap-2015-02-20-14h46m18s247And our episode ends with Zack Morris smug that he managed to pull off a week as principal, and may we never have to hear the name “Zack Morris” associated with the title “Principal” again. Unfortunately, there are worse people on this show to be principal, as we’ll see later in The New Class.
Firsts: Ox.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Jun 11, 2015 10:34:02 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 3: “Screech’s Spaghetti Sauce”
We open to discover that Punky Brewster’s transferred to Bayside from 90210. Whoa, that’s like a super ’80s and ’90s mash-up right there! Zack Morris is naturally the first to notice Punky around and his dick goes “Boing!” Zack Morris asks Punky out on a date but she wants nothing to do with him because he drives a classic car, which is news to me but oh well. Wait…what does she have against classic cars? Some girls would kill to ride in one! Seriously, this makes no sense!
Zack Morris is naturally confused, especially since Punky Brewster wanted his hot man chowder just a few years ago. Maybe the world is blind, or just a little unkind. Don’t know.
There’s no time to think about that, though, because Mr. Belding comes in acting as the communications class teacher since the producers blew their budget getting Punky Brewster and couldn’t afford another guest star. He tells the class their project this year will be to put on a show for “cable access television.” Yeah, this actually became a pretty popular thing in the ’90s so I can kind of sort of believe it…I guess.
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So we cut directly to the production of the show, where Slater’s taking advantage of being Jessie-free to ask Punky Brewster to The Max for a burger. Punky’s a snob since she moved to Beverly Hills, though, and only wants to date someone if they’re rich enough to take her out to fancy restaurants, which makes complete sense in a high school. Yeah. Slater’s all, “How could she not go for me? I thought all girls were attracted to my rippling muscles, but seems you can’t be sure of anything anymore.”
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So Zack Morris and Lisa are the co-anchors of this little experiment that will be repeated in about three years once the writers try to pretend it never happened.
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Jessie’s a roving reporter interviewing Mr. Belding and trying to pretend she’s serious and shit by drilling him on financial matters no one gives a damn about. Oh, it’s so cute seeing Jessie take her quasi-feminism and try to apply it to other areas of her life.
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Next is Kelly who’s dressed in a winter coat because those are really needed in Los Angeles. She gives the weather report in the most stereotypical and sexist manner possible.
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And then takes off the coat so all the adult men in the Saved by the Bell universe who enjoy high school girls can have plenty of masturbation material.
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Last and certainly least is Screech, who’s running a cooking show. Yes, no one in this universe ever learns from their mistakes so they continue letting Screech do shit. He’s making spaghetti and actually does a good job, first impressing Slater and then the rest of the gang with something that’s not only edible but also doesn’t lead to bowel issues or erectile dysfunction. The problem is there’s some sort of secret ingredient in the sauce which I’m not sure I want to know what it is. After all, this is Screech we’re talking about.
The next day, Zack Morris and Slater are disturbed to discover no girls give a shit they were on a public access show because…girls are supposed to care you paid to be on television?
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All the girls have suddenly lost their minds, though, because they suddenly think Screech is fuckable because he can make spaghetti sauce. Yeah, that’s the way sex appeal works. If that were the case, I should be Hugh Heffner compared to Screech. Zack Morris gets the idea that, if girls want to fuck Screech over his spaghetti sauce, they should sell it so Punky Brewster will want them.vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h27m23s126
Punky Brewster overhears them and decides that she can pretend to like Screech as long as it’s a Zack Morris scheme in action because those are always guaranteed to succeed. Screech decides that Violet must be in Beverly Hills talking up how horrendous of a lover he is so he doesn’t bother to question why Punky would want him. Punky lets Screech buy her lunch and they go off to discuss how he can use his money to benefit her. vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h27m54s178
In…the kitchen…have we ever actually seen a kitchen at Bayside before or should we just assume they’re doing this at The Max like everything else they do? I don’t know. In any case, the girls busily eat the spaghetti sauce because girls like to eat. Zack Morris brings in beakers from the science lab to bottle the spaghetti sauce in, because I’m sure that’s really healthy. A little acid to go with your spaghetti?vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h28m19s180
Lisa unveils the new label for the sauce, which would be enough to make me never want to buy it if I had to look at that face every time I craved Italian. vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h29m52s75
So, yeah, they’re bottling on a conveyor belt because they actually decided they wanted to rip off a classic scene from I Love Lucy, since these writers can so be trusted to stick to the spirit of one of the most legendary comedians in television history. Screech’s job is simple: take each bottle off the conveyor belt and box it but Screech fails at life so he can’t even complete that simple task. vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h32m29s116
Next, the gang film one of the worst excuses for a commercial I’ve ever seen. Really, this commercial is a couple minutes long. Do they realize how much a commercial this long would cost to air? But who the hell cares because it gives them the chance to insult every Italian-American who’s ever existed by imitating every Italian stereotype known to man. Oh, and Slater’s name in the commercial is Mario. Haha, it’s funny because they’re unoriginal and used Mario Lopez’s real name. Also, they dare to utter the words “saved by the bell” for the first time in the franchise’s history because they’re that desperate to make the audience feel something.vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h32m56s126
At The Max…I knew The Max had to come into this somehow…the gang sell Screech’s spaghetti sauce because whoever the hell owns The Max at this point doesn’t give a damn what crazy schemes Zack Morris pulls out of their establishment since they’re keeping the business afloat with mafia money anyway. They sell a shit ton of spaghetti sauce because that’s what all the kids are buying nowadays.vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h33m42s77
Screech and Punky Brewster come in. Screech believes he’s Chef Boyardee since students at Bayside are completely insane and probably snorting the spaghetti sauce in defiance of Johnny Dakota. Punky gets mad when Screech wants to sign an autograph and, instead, demands lobsters and watches and necklaces and shit. The rest of the gang get upset at how Punky’s obviously turned to a life of gold digging and Zack Morris decides he has to tell Screech about Punky’s sordid past.
The next day, Zack Morris tries to talk to Screech about Punky Brewster, but Mr. Belding interrupts them talking about the spaghetti sauce. Zack Morris gives Mr. Belding a free sample so Mr. Belding will leave and they can continue with this scene.vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h36m14s57
They’re interrupted again by Random Lawyer from Betsy Crocker Which Doesn’t Resemble Any Real Company Whatsoever if You Took Out an “S.” Zack Morris assumes Random Lawyer wants to buy the recipe for the spaghetti sauce, but Random Lawyer, instead, wants to give them a cease and desist order since Screech is a complete dumb ass and didn’t think it’d be a problem to use someone else’s recipe as his own. Yes, that’s right, turns out Screech got the recipe from his grandmother, who copied it out of a Betsy Crocker cookbook. Yep, idiots all around.
After a commercial break, the gang’s bummed that they were idiotic enough to think Screech was competent on his own.vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h43m49s254
Zack Morris tries to tell Screech that Punky Brewster only wants him for his money and not his man bits but Screech decides Zack Morris is just jealous because he didn’t go after Punky Brewster a few years ago when he had the chance. Punky Brewster comes walking by and Screech tells Zack Morris, “Although, you may be lonely and then, one day you’re smiling again. Every time I turn around, I see the girl who turns my world around. Standing there.”
Screech gives Punky Brewster the necklace she wanted but the selfish bitch wants another one in a different color. She practically tells Screech she’s a gold digger, but Screech is an idiot and doesn’t pick up on these not so subtle signs, so he rushes off to buy Punky the other necklace. He forgets his wallet, though, and has to return to retrieve it.
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It’s then he overhears Punky talking with fellow gold digger Chloe about how repulsive Screech is and how she only wants him for his money. It’s only then that Screech finally gets the subtle hint she doesn’t really like him and sulks off.
In the kitchen, the gang bemoan the fact that they can’t sell the rest of their sauce. Screech comes in depressed that Punky Brewster was using him. He tells the gang, “Everytime I turn around, her spirit’s lifting me right off the ground. What’s gonna be? Guess we’ll just wait and see.”
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Mr. Belding comes in, having realized that the gang stole school property to bottle the spaghetti sauce. Mr. Belding tells them they have to repay the cost of the stolen goods by tomorrow or he’s suspending them. They decide to use their profits off the spaghetti sauce. Unfortunately, Screech spent it all trying to woo an ’80s child actor so there’s none left. This somehow gives Zack Morris an idea to raise the money and get back at Punky. vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h47m38s245
At The Max, Screech tells Punky Brewster he wants to get out of the spaghetti sauce business so he can spend more time with her. Punky thinks Screech is a complete moron, but Screech won’t be persuaded.vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h48m01s207
In walks Vladimir Lenin to buy Screech’s recipe. The chairman soon gets into a bidding war with the rest of the gang over the rights to the recipe. For some reason, Punky Brewster wants in on the bidding as well, and bids $2,000, $1,800 of it from her checking account and the rest from the gifts Screech gave her. Punky runs off with the recipe, telling Screech he’s a complete dumb ass as the gang rejoice they successfully committed fraud and have now dug themselves deeper. vlcsnap-2015-03-05-20h50m07s209
Oh, but wouldn’t you know it! Vladimir Lenin was really Zack Morris, and our episode ends with Screech learning nothing, telling Zack Morris he has a date with Chloe so he can spend all the money they just stole from Punky. Oh, Screech. You’re such an idiot.
Firsts: Bayside has a television show.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Jun 11, 2015 10:34:38 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 4: “The New Girl”
Okay, we’re four episodes into the season and three of those episodes revolve around new female students. Am I seeing a pattern here? Did Bayside make some U.S. News and World Report listing of best high schools in America or some shit? Really, I think this season now outnumbers the previous three for new students… vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h24m32s4
We open with Zack Morris demanding everyone’s undivided attention for this important announcement: someone’s parked in his parking space and he’s fucking pissed! They better move their motorcycle now or he’s going to go all Nicholas Cage on their asses! Nobody will own up to committing this grievous sin and Screech is no help when he describes the person as being an NBA player. Stupid Screech.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h25m51s103
But the new student does come in and proves that Screech can’t tell the difference between a man and a woman without gender stereotypes. Zack Morris confronts her and tells her to move the fucking motorcycle out of his space and she tells him to fuck off and go give Screech a blowjob.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h26m44s128
Zack Morris won’t take his insult lying down and takes his grievance to Mr. Belding, who asks him in what universe this is considered important pressing business and Zack Morris tells him, “In my universe where I’m king!” Mr. Belding tells him to fuck off and do something important like figure out why Kelly and Jessie have gone missing, but Zack Morris already knows the answer to that, don’t you Zack Morris? vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h27m39s161
So the Fall Ball committee comes in during this to plan in the middle of Zack Morris searching the student handbook trying to find a way to exact his will on the student body. The committee consists of Lisa and Slater along with Ox, an airhead named Ginger, and a geek named Pete. The cream of the crop right there. Zack Morris keeps interrupting them while Ox tries to talk about beef jerky and guacamole and shit and Mr. Belding’s office really becomes Grand Central Station when the new girl, Tori Scott (Leanna Creel) comes in to introduce herself to Mr. Belding and let him know she’ll be randomly popping into episodes every time Kelly and Jessie mysteriously disappear.
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Naturally, Zack Morris and Tori clash again, this time over a seat, as Zack Morris rushes out of the office, pissed off that no one gives a shit about trivial things. Tori does, however, think of the idea for the dance theme because we’re going with the cliche where the main character hates a new character but everyone else loves her. vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h30m51s15
In class, Zack Morris flirts with Ginger, who’s somehow managed to acquire a lower IQ than Screech and Tommy D put together. Tori blows Zack Morris’s cover that he’s assumed Ginger is such an idiot she won’t notice he’s reciting the lyrics to “Pretty Woman.” Ginger, needing to fulfill her role of being an idiot, assumes that means Zack Morris is Roy Orbison.
The bell rings and Mr. Breskin’s back, considerably more mellow this time over the last episode he was in involving new students. It’s like they forgot he was supposed to be a hard ass! He tells the class to pair off for a class project and Screech decides to pair with Slater instead of Zack Morris because it’s convenient to the plot. Zack Morris is paired with Tori, and they’re tasked with creating an ad campaign to present to the class on Friday. Um, didn’t they already do this plot with Mr. Tuttle? vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h32m14s79
At The Max, Zack Morris and Tori ostensibly work on their project, an electronic organizer, but can’t stop fighting over their forced dislike of one another. They decide to split up the work, with Tori writing the ad campaign and Zack Morris doing the product research because it will naturally end up they reach the same conclusions without talking with one another.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h33m13s151
Meanwhile, Slater and Screech are working, with Screech reading the all-important generic brown covered book.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h33m24s24
Lisa comes in to work on the dance but manages to insult everyone and they all quit leaving her to do the work on her own. She spots Tori at the next booth and asks her to help. Tori tells Lisa she’ll help if Lisa stops acting like a fucking psychopath and Lisa says she thinks she can handle that since she can be quite reasonable when it’s convenient to the plot. Lisa declares Tori to be her new best friend since her old two have vanished without a trace. And I’m not even joking…Lisa says she doesn’t have a best friend. She’s completely forgotten Kelly and Jessie exist… vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h35m38s81
The next day in class, Slater and Screech present their project, stupid sunglasses with mirror lenses that Screech can pretend he’s attractive in, as well as a second pair with windshield wipers. Mr. Breskin passes them both so he doesn’t have to be faced with the possibility of teaching them again next year.
Next up it’s Zack Morris and Tori, but Tori didn’t show up for school so Mr. Breskin tells Zack Morris he fails. I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works. You can’t penalize a group in public school because one of them is absent. It’s called make-up presentation. But it’s convenient to the plot so that’s what we’re going with.
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Zack Morris fakes his way through the presentation but then Tori walks in. He suddenly gets the idea that the commercial should be Tori would have known what time to be there had she used an organizer, and Mr. Breskin gives them an A because…everyone gets an A in his class now apparently.
In the hallway, Tori tries to apologize and explain things to Zack Morris, but he’s not interested in listening at the present time so please leave a message after the tone. After Zack Morris leaves, Lisa comes up and she and Tori exposit about how they were up until 4:00 am working on the dance and that’s why Tori overslept. Also, she’s all, “I think I’ll start liking Zack Morris now because the plot demands it!”vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h39m53s68
At The Max, Tori tries to talk to Zack Morris but ends up insulting Ginger in the process so they can continue fighting.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h41m43s142
In the locker room, Lisa and Tori talk about Zack Morris and Tori admits she suddenly has a crush on him. Lisa tells Tori she has to become more feminine if she expects any guy to like her.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h42m35s151
Welcome to a Lisa Turtle Presents production! My god, she must have the biggest ego in this franchise!vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h43m27s164
Zack Morris tries to be happy he brought Ginger to the dance, but she’s such an idiot she could probably annoy even Screech. He can’t take anymore so he goes to get more punch.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h44m18s157
Tori walks in wearing a horrible present-like dress. Screech, since he hasn’t been an idiot enough in this episode, doesn’t recognize her and goes to find Tori to introduce to Tori. Yeah, you heard that right.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h45m19s0
Zack Morris can’t believe it’s possible for Tori to be feminine because she’s masculine and its funny.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h46m44s90
Before Tori can ask Zack Morris to dance, Ginger asks him but she’s an idiot when it comes to dancing, too, and dosn’t understand the pace of the muzak means she’s supposed to be slow dancing.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h47m21s205
Lisa cuts in and tells Zack Morris to get with the plot convenience and tells him it’s not her fault Mr. Breskin flunks people for being absent. Lisa tells Zack Morris Tori was late because she was helping with the dance, and Zack Morris realizes he’s been a tool of plot convenience so he goes to find Tori.vlcsnap-2015-03-06-08h48m44s11He finds her in the hallway and tells her he’s sorry for being so predictable. She accepts his apology and decides to stick around as an alternating member of the gang. And our episode ends with Zack Morris completely missing the signs Tori likes him and treating her like one of the guys, because she’s masculine and shit and it’s funny!
Firsts: Tori Scott, Ginger.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Jun 11, 2015 10:34:58 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 5: “The Bayside Triangle”
We open at The Max where Screech has decided it’s been too long since there was a subplot about him sexually harassing Lisa and, since we’re getting closer to the end of the series, we needed just one more. So, yeah, the gang tries to reason with him, except for Zack Morris who’s encouraging him for some reason. We find out some disturbing facts, like that Screech has been after Lisa for ten years since they had different families and lives in Indiana, or that Screech’s dad got his mom by wearing his underwear outside his pants. A Powers family reunion could be the plot of a horror film, couldn’t it?
Lisa, meanwhile, is excited that a recruiter from the Fashion Institute of Technology is coming to California just to see Lisa. Gee, that’s nice of them to fly from New York just to see a random student’s work. Good thing Lisa’s a part of the one percent! And why can they use the real name of this college but they had to change Stanford and invent random colleges in California? Oh, whatever. Lisa wants to impress the recruiter so the gang agree to help her put on a fashion show with Zack Morris coordinating, because nothing could possibly go wrong with that idea.vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h46m22s94
Oh, also Screech randomly gives Lisa a locket from his dead aunt complete with a charm to induce vomiting should she ever become bulimic. Oh, I pine for the days when my stalker would give me presents he got from his dead aunt.
At Bayside, Zack Morris assigns Kelly and Jessie to help sew the clothes since they’ve returned this week from their mysterious disappearance while Zack Morris and Slater look for a venue. Oh, fuck this show. You’re just going to have it at The Max! You have everything at The Max!vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h47m14s108
Also, Screech tries to convince Lisa he should be a model, but there isn’t enough drugs in the world to get anyone high enough to convince anyone Screech can model anything.
screech-loves-he-man
Unless, of course, he’s like eight and modeling He-Man.
Lisa worries about her stuff not being good enough and not being able to get into college but Zack Morris assures her there will be a nice spot open for her on The College Years should she fuck this up. Also, we learn that Screech collects Lisa’s broken fingernails. This just went from stalker territory to Criminal Minds plot. vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h48m26s66
In the hallway, Screech’s newest idea to worm his way into Lisa’s fashion show is to give commentary on the designs, which he demonstrates by insulting Mr. Belding’s suit. Zack Morris knows he needs to advance the plot so he doesn’t notice the obvious stupidity signs and agrees to ask Lisa.
Zack Morris tells Lisa that the manager of The Max agreed to let them have the fashion show there because what the hell? See, I told you they’d just have it at The Max! Also, Zack Morris convinces Lisa to let Screech do the commentary, though she’s initially reluctant, because he convinces her that stalkers are the best people to say good things about you. vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h52m13s12
At Lisa’s house, we find out that Lisa once designed the costume for the Sixth Doctor. vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h52m35s247
Also Zack Morris models some clothes for Lisa because we need an excuse to get them alone together. Lisa thanks Zack Morris for his help and they randomly decide to kiss, which excites the audience so much they orgasm. vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h53m25s238
They look at each other in confusion like, “Where the hell did that twist come from?” and part for the night.
The next day, Jessie’s more excited about Zack Morris and Lisa kissing than either of them and practically sings the “Lisa and Zack Morris, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G” song.vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h54m28s77
Also, Jessie hella sucks at sewing and it took Kelly putting on this horribly made dress to realize it. Yeah…vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h56m06s27
At The Max, Zack Morris gives final instructions for modeling because he’s obviously the most experienced of the gang in modeling. We have some time wasting with Lisa freaking out again and Zack Morris and Lisa stay behind to talk about their kissing some more. They decide to kiss again and the sex deprived audience decides to freak out again. vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h58m10s38
Their cries of bliss are soon turned to “awws” as Screech walks in and sees Zack Morris and Lisa kissing, throwing some flowers on the floor he bought for Lisa.vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h58m54s200
Oh, it’s nice to see The Max has been conveniently redecorated like a tacky drag bar!vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h59m11s85
Mr. Belding has some excitement of his own as he realizes Ms. Parks, the recruiter, vaguely resembles Miss Bliss and he might be able to get a little something something tonight.vlcsnap-2015-03-20-12h59m46s202
So let’s look at our designs first. Yeah, the headbands are amazing. Maybe they’re repurposed Buddy Bands. vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h00m16s244
Slater looks dazzling as an Ambercrombie and Fitch model.vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h01m31s233
And Zack Morris is sporting the “white pimp” look. So, as you can guess, Screech throws a huge temper tantrum while describing the fashions, implying that he’s never seen any indication Lisa didn’t want him despite the fact that everyone has been telling him that all episode, not to mention that she’s been repulsed by the mere sight of him since episode two of Good Morning, Miss Bliss. After telling Zack Morris off for “stabbing him in the back,” he walks off and Mr. Belding finishes up as announcer despite the fact that he doesn’t seem to even know that cloth on Zack Morris’s legs is called “pants.”vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h02m35s104
After the gang plot to finally kill off Screech for being a complete fucktard, Ms. Parks tells Lisa that she likes her sense of fashion and doesn’t trust a word Screech says after the release of Behind the Bell. As a result, she’s recommending Lisa for admission to the Fashion Institute of Technology.
Jessie, meanwhile, finds the discarded flowers and the gang quickly deduce that Screech saw Zack Morris and Lisa kissing. vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h03m52s103
At Bayside, Screech won’t talk to Zack Morris because kissing the girl he’s been stalking for a decade is a crime worthy of death. Screech challenges Zack Morris to a fight because that worked out so well in the season opener and because Screech obviously has the same physical prowess of Slater. vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h06m05s151
At The Max, Zack Morris recaps the events of the last minute to Lisa and they talk about how they really like each other enough to date for the rest of this episode. A random nerd comes in and says they’re betting on how many times Zack Morris will murder Screech in the fight.vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h06m54s131
In the hallway, Screech demonstrates his idiotic version of the martial arts, which it’s funny since, in two more years, he’s supposedly a black belt in karate but he can’t even do martial arts right.vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h07m14s78
Yeah, he can’t do martial arts.vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h07m58s255
So he, instead, decides to rip open Zack Morris’s shirt. Zack Morris tells her that, if him dating Lisa really bothers her stalker, he won’t go out with her.vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h08m26s34
This is enough for Lisa, who steps in and tells Screech to stop being a fucking psychotic ass sexual deviant and get the fuck over her so he can date other women in The College Years and The New Class. Screech tells Lisa she was his first love, which is creepy as fuck considering they never actually dated, and that she’s hard to get over, despite his dating Violet and Punky Brewster in between his bouts of obsession over her. vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h09m52s122
Screech gives Zack Morris permission to date Lisa as long as they both promise not to mention this brief fling again after this episode, and Zack Morris agrees to Screech’s conditions. Zack Morris and Screech make up and Zack Morris takes Lisa off to finish up their one episode romance.vlcsnap-2015-03-20-13h10m29s233And our episode ends with Screech deciding to creepily stalk another member of the gang so he’ll be well prepared for the high school girls he’s going to scar on The New Class.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Jun 11, 2015 10:35:47 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 6: “Teen Line”
We open with Zack Morris randomly stealing this guy’s burger and taking a bite out of it…apparently to be a dick. Is it just me or is Zack Morris coming off as more of an asshole than usual?vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h42m44s233
Zack Morris joins the rest of the gang in Mr. Belding’s office where he tells them it’s time to think of a senior class project to do. Since Kelly and Jessie are, once again, locked in Zack Morris’s basement this week, the project will be undertaken by the only five members of the senior class the producers have to pay. They discuss stupid ideas like Slater dating girls while Screech proceeds to destroy everything in Mr. Belding’s office, pissing off Mr. Belding. Oh, if you hate that, Mr. Belding, just wait for two more years…
Tori says that, at her old school, they ran a teen line and rap room to give teens safe spaces to share their problems. It’s the only half decent idea the gang’s come up with so they decide that Tori is their savior in disguise and use her idea.vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h44m39s74 And, like magic, the teen line is up and ready to go in the next scene. It’s almost like that transition was contrived or some shit. It’s a good thing Bayside just had an empty classroom lying around for them to use. Anyway, Tori lays out the rules for the teen line: never ask a caller for their last name, never ask for home numbers, and never ask to meet a caller. Sounds reasonable so I’m sure Zack Morris will break every one of them fairly quickly.vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h45m15s198
Zack Morris gets the first call and it’s someone looking for a Chinese pizzeria, because the Chinese are well known for their pizza making ability. Lisa’s caller is a woman worried she’s overweight so Lisa proceeds to shame her as much as possible about her weight. Tori’s bland and actually gives real, useful advice to her caller: to join a club in order to make new friends. Whoa there, Tori! Be careful or you might make this show too realistic!vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h46m08s223
This guy comes in to complain to Screech about his little brother. Of course, allowing Screech any sort of authority to dispense advice in the first place is a bad idea and Screech starts shaming our boy since Screech lost his only brother somewhere in the move from Indiana to California. Boy, they should change the name of this line to “Shame Line.” Tori’s the only one who’s done anything useful. For the Tori haters out there, that will come as quite a shock.vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h46m29s173
Zack Morris gets a call from Melissa, who’s upset that her parents are too overprotective and won’t let her stay out late. He suggests she set back every clock in her house three hours and asks her last name. He then suggests the best way to solve her problem is to go on a date with him the next day because voices are sexy and unattractive people only exist in the Saved by the Bell universe when they’re convenient to the plot or there for ridicule. She agrees, meaning Zack Morris, predictably, broke two rules within five minutes of the teen line opening.vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h47m33s29
Our rap room teen gets sick of listening to Screech’s bull shit so he brings his little brother, Tommy, in. Since he’s heard Screech’s reputation for kidnapping children, he leaves Tommy to live with Screech from now on.
In the hallway, Tori excitedly exposits how many people they helped on their first day. By that, she means that she helped lots of people on their first day and the rest of the gang acted like morons and prepped a bunch of people for potential therapy. Zack Morris tells them about his date and Tori’s all, “You’re an idiot to have asked her out.” Zack Morris is all, “Shut up or I’ll lock you up with Kelly and Jessie,” so she quits talking but first gives the admonition that he’s asking for trouble breaking rules, which he’s not since this is never brought up again in the episode. vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h48m35s152
Screech introduces the gang to Tommy, whom you may recognize as the kid from Child’s Play 3. The soul of Chucky must have invaded this kid, too, because, when Screech calls him cute, Tommy stomps on Screech’s foot and runs away. This kid is already the best thing to happen to season four. Anyone who can cause Screech any amount of pain is okay in my book.
At The Max, Zack Morris meets Melissa and everything seems to be going great as she, like most of the girls in this universe, seems completely oblivious to Zack Morris’s assholish ways. Then, Zack Morris suggests they play some nice muzak on the jukebox. vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h49m56s203
OH MY GOD NO! SHE’S IN A WHEELCHAIR! THE WORLD’S GOING TO END!!! Zack Morris is a bit upset as he believes Melissa should have introduced herself as requiring a wheelchair. Zack Morris decides he’s okay with Melissa being in a wheelchair but, when the rest of the gang come in, he insists on making a huge deal out of Melissa’s disability because the gentlemanly thing is to point out what makes people different from one another. It’s fun! Watch me do it: Lisa’s black, Tori’s a lesbian, Slater needs a haircut, Zack Morris is a douche, and Screech just needs to die and put me out of my misery!vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h52m22s109
And, as if to fulfill my deepest held fantasies, Tommy comes in, having stolen the helmet from a scary looking motorcyclist. He gives the helmet to Screech and said motorcyclist wants to murder Screech. GO FOR IT! PREVENT SIX SEASONS OF THE NEW CLASS FROM HAPPENING! YOU WILL BE DOING THE WORLD A FAVOR!
I love this kid! He may be the best character since Edgar back in season one!
The next day, the gang invite Melissa to observe them at the teen line. Zack Morris, of course, still has no idea how to treat a person with disabilities since this is the first person in a wheelchair he’s ever encountered. This means he has to treat Melissa like a baby who can’t even wipe her ass for herself.vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h53m28s11
Lisa gets a call from a tied up Screech asking for help. Tommy comes back, though, and tells Screech that he said no calls. Tommy hangs up the phone so he can smack the shit out of Screech. Um, Tommy, I still like you, but, suddenly, your treatment of Screech has Fifty Shades of Grey undertones to it. I…don’t want to think about that any longer.
A girl named Cathy comes in, insecure because the writers decided to resurrect Jessie’s recurring subplot of being insecure about her height. After Slater proves to be an idiot in providing advice, Melissa tells Cathy she just needs to have confidence in herself and quit seeing her height as something that needs to be fixed. Cathy’s overjoyed that someone at this teen line is competent and leaves to seize life by the reins.
Zack Morris dotes that disabled Melissa used her disabled brain to come up with a disabled solution for non-disabled Cathy. It’s so super great that disabled people are able to be competent in providing basic teen advice! Zack Morris is so impressed he asks Melissa on a date to the movies that night.
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At the movie theater, Zack Morris suddenly becomes obsessed with fighting for disabled rights and complains to the manager that some non-disabled person parked in the disabled spot his disabled date wanted to disabled park in. Zack Morris proceeds to baby Melissa and even gets mad at a tall guy for sitting in front of a disabled girl. Gee, how many more times can we fucking mention that she’s disabled, in case the audience didn’t catch it the first few hundred?
At the teen line, Zack Morris gets pissed off that Slater and Tori would dare ask how his date with Melissa went because that must mean they have some sort of ableist agenda.vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h56m47s189
Screech comes in, having had his clothes stolen by Tommy and put up a flag pole. As awesome as Tommy is, his abuse of Screech is becoming a bit too sexual at this point, and no one should ever be sexual towards Screech.
Mr. Belding comes in and tells the gang that the writers decided to add in one more subplot for conflict nearly three quarters of the way through the episode. See, the school board suddenly decided they need to cut budgets which means Bayside can’t afford the teen line.
At The Max, Cathy comes in to share the good news that she has a date this weekend and it’s all thanks to Melissa’s good advice. Tori decides this is proof the teen line is doing real good and they need to raise the money to keep the teen line open. They can’t think of any ideas worth trying until Slater comes in and has a conversation with Melissa about wheelchair basketball, giving Zack Morris the idea to hold a charity basketball game. vlcsnap-2015-03-22-20h59m53s2
And who are the players you ask? Why, the gang and Melissa of course because they’re already on the payroll for this episode! The teams are Zack Morris, Screech, and Melissa on the blue team and Slater, Tori, and Lisa on the red team. We get about three thrilling minutes of wheelchair basketball. The highlight of this scene is Tommy using a remote for a turbo booster he hooked up to Screech’s wheelchair to speed Screech away for what I hope is potential pain. See, Tommy, that’s the way to torture Screech, and no one has to see him naked!
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The blue team wins and Tori thanks the crowd, announcing they’ve raised enough money to keep the teen line open. Zack Morris takes the microphone and asks for a round of applause for the only person who has to be in a wheelchair. This humiliation is enough for Melissa to leave, finally realizing that Zack Morris is just an asshole.vlcsnap-2015-03-22-21h03m10s206
In the hallway, Melissa tells off Zack Morris for being an insensitive asshole and tells him to go fuck himself. Melissa’s upset that Zack Morris keeps reminding the world about her disability, which I’m sure this brilliant move of cinematography looking down on Melissa won’t help.vlcsnap-2015-03-22-21h03m51s95
Since it is Bayside, we have to have a celebratory dance for the basketball game where Tommy gets his grove on with this nice girl he hopes to knock up later.vlcsnap-2015-03-22-21h04m14s74
Cathy’s decided she’d rather have Slater than her actual date so we have a chance for her height to be the object of ridicule one more time. Seriously, are men this insecure about dating tall girls? My first love was like five inches taller than me. Fuck this!vlcsnap-2015-03-22-21h04m41s67
Tommy’s brother comes in and tells him that Chucky wants them home ASAP. Tommy doesn’t want to go home since he’s having fun trying to kill Screech but his brother says Chucky won’t take no for an answer. They leave and Screech rejoices that he may actually live to appear in a shitty spin-off.vlcsnap-2015-03-22-21h05m54s53
Melissa comes in and Zack Morris apologizes for being an asshole like usual. Melissa tells him he just needs to treat her like a normal person, a novel concept, and they agree to try again since she’s getting paid for the rest of the episode. vlcsnap-2015-03-22-21h07m09s30And our episode ends with Zack Morris and Melissa dancing as Peter Engel inserts his name to cover most of her body.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Jun 11, 2015 10:36:14 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 7: “Masquerade Ball”
We open in the hallway where Slater’s trying desperately to get some hot Ginger poon. Tori comes up behind the two and is disgusted that she’s landed a role in this show. She was hoping for The New Class so she could have her choice of non-offensive bland knock-offs but she was a year early. Zack Morris comes up and starts flirting with Ginger as well, apparently having forgotten how fucking annoying she was just a few weeks ago, but realizing that, with Kelly locked in his basement, Ginger may be the only one dumb enough to go for his bullshit.
After Ginger leaves, Tori comes up and tells Zack Morris and Slater, “Feminism! Um, Gamergate blah blah blah…I don’t know, Jessie asked me to hold down the quasi-feminist fort while she’s gone. Anyway, quit treating women like shit, you dumb pieces of garbage!”
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Screech, meanwhile, comes up and does the world’s worst impression of Groucho Marx, because the Marx Brothers were all the rage among teenagers in the ’90s, and he needs something to do in preparation for the masquerade ball. He can’t understand how people know it’s him. I mean, Groucho requires is a really bad fake pair of glasses and a fake cigar. By the facial recognition standards of Saved by the Bell, no one should know it’s him!
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Lisa’s equally repulsed by Screech’s Groucho impersonation but is excited to find a letter from a secret admirer in her locker. She’s happy he’s willing to spend money on her because if she learned anything from Punky Brewster, it’s to be a mother fucking gold digger. The secret admirer wants Lisa to leave any response behind the easel at the front of the classroom they just happen to be in because it would be too inconvenient to have another set in the same episode.
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And meet Ms. Culpepper, the art teacher of the episode. She’s like Miss Simpson only she’s blind as fuck and thinks the Greco-Roman style bust on her desk is a student who needs to get in his damned seat before she breaks out spankings. As scary as it is, this may be the closest there’s been to a semi-normal teacher at Bayside since Mr. Tuttle.
As an assignment, Ms. Culpepper tells each student to sculpt one another, which will be awfully hard to do if half of them are modeling at any one time. Also, Screech gives up his Groucho shtick when even Ms. Culpepper sees through it. God, I think the emotionally manipulative music from Full House was more subtle than his dumb ass.
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Zack Morris and Slater, meanwhile, hit on this random extra, Slater even offering to take his shirt off because he hopes it will help the ratings. Tori tell them both to grow the fuck up and they slink away from their sex object, obviously defeated by Tori’s superior intellect. Zack Morris and Slater decide this means that Tori obviously wants each of their hot bodies, a proposition even Screech finds ridiculous, They decide to see how implausible their belief is by betting the other $50.00 they’ll be able to kiss Tori first. Gee, what stand up guys they are. After four seasons of this, nothing should surprise me.
Lisa, meanwhile, completes her letter to her secret admirer and leaves it on the easel. Slater comes in and tries to flatter Tori, but she speaks bullshit better than most women on this show. He says he’s sorry for the way he acted and convinces Tori to forgive him. He then says he needs a model for his project and, through an overly complicated and non-convincing ruse, nearly kisses Tori because she loses her intelligence when it’s convenient to the plot. The moment is ruined by Screech jumping for joy because his secret admirer wants his hot, chiseled body.
Wait…Screech is sending secret admirer letters to Lisa? Are they really ripping off Good Morning, Miss Bliss for a second time in the same season? Also, didn’t Screech just agree to get over Lisa a couple weeks ago?
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Zack Morris’s plan is to wine and dine Tori and be all romantic and shit. Since Kelly’s still locked in Zack Morris’s basement, The Max has no waiters and Screech is forced to do the job…for some reason. Zack Morris gets ready to move in for a kiss, but he realizes the plot require that he not be a sexist pig towards Tori any longer and backs off, confusing the hell out of Tori since she has no experience with men.
In the locker room, Zack Morris bemoans his situation to Screech because nothing can go wrong with Screech being your confidant. Zack Morris decides that the bet is threatening to ruin his chances with Tori and tries to call off the bet. Slater thinks it’s a typical lame Zack Morris ruse and refuses to call off the bet, leaving Zack Morris confused and wondering what to do.
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Lisa reads another secret admirer letter as Screech comes up and asks her whether she’s told the admirer how she feels. He proceeds to dictate her response to the secret admirer, which basically means he crafts a love letter for himself and Lisa’s too dense to see what’s going on.
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Mr. Belding quite literally runs into Ms. Culpepper, who thinks he’s Miss Simpson, because they look exactly alike, and Mr. Belding randomly tells her that shes quite attractive without her glasses on. Wow…that’s an odd thing to say to a subordinate. Is that sexual harassment and does she have to take it?
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In class, Lisa shows off her sculpture of her secret admirer. So…who did she sculpt that she believes is her secret admirer?
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This naturally leads Screech to try and imitate the statue. Lisa just assumes he’s being a moron like usual, which he is.
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Zack Morris decides to turn to Lisa and tells her that he has a secret that would drive someone away from him. Because we’re engaging in sitcom cliche #5652, the conversation that means two different things to do different people, Lisa assumes that Zack Morris means he’s hot for her and immediately gets excited thinking she has a second chance at his hot man chowder. Oh, Lisa, there’s two problems with this. You’ve already had a thing for Zack Morris this season and you don’t get to date a guy for more than one episode. You’re just shit out of luck.
Lisa puts a letter to her secret admirer on the easel but it falls on the ground as she leaves the room. Ms. Culpepper sees it and decides she needs to take it to the lost and found.
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The lost and found just happens to be located in a newly installed mailbox outside Mr. Belding’s door below Mr. Belding’s mailbox. Question: why is the lost and found a mailbox and how would you be expected to put anything like substantial in it, like, say, more than one small item at a time? This has to be the most inconvenient placement ever. Since Ms. Culpepper can’t see shit, she puts the letter in Mr. Belding’s box. Mr. Belding sees Ms. Culpepper leave the letter and comes out to read it.
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Mr. Belding reads the note and then thinks to himself, “Are the writers really doing this plot again? God, I know it’s been five years but the reruns never forget!”
At The Max, Lisa comes running in excited about Zack Morris wanting her again. She tells Tori, making Tori assume that Zack Morris is playing her like he plays most women. Screech comes in and the misunderstanding continues as she talks shit about Lisa’s secret admirer. Since Screech is too much an idiot to realize when something is up, he assumes both Lisa and Tori know and tries to defend himself, but Tori comes out and tells him that Zack Morris is Lisa’s secret admirer.
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Screech lets word out about the bet because Screech likes to randomly just say things he knows without thinking of the consequences. Tori calmly tells him she’ll make sure he never makes it to a certain shitty spin-off if he doesn’t tell her what’s going on and Screech tells her the entire story.
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Back at Bayside, Tori’s less than thrilled about Lisa’s newest secret admirer letter, which proclaims that her secret admirer is going to be dressed as Gumby at the masquerade ball. Oh, yeah, I guess there should be a masquerade ball in an episode called “Masquerade Ball,” huh. Tori assumes this means Zack Morris will be dressed as Gumby and, when he walks up, just leaves before he can talk so the misunderstandings can continue and he can talk to Lisa. Lisa tells him to look for her at the ball wearing a cat costume and just walks off.
Ms. Culpepper and Mr. Belding, meanwhile, have their obligatory misunderstanding turned sexual harassment scene as Ms. Culpepper plays the role of Miss Bliss. She runs away in fear, thinking that she’s just been used for a cheap and lame gag.
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Tori gets revenge on Slater by slamming his head against a locker when he tries to kiss her. She tells him she knows about the bet and wants to get revenge against Zack Morris by allowing Slater to kiss her at the masquerade ball so Slater can win the bet. She tells him to look for her dressed as Gumby and she’ll let him Pokey her. Slater says he’ll be dressed as an astronaut. Oh I hope he’s going as Sally Ride!
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At the masquerade ball, Ms. Culpepper says it’s a good thing that this is the only episode she appears in since she’s repulsed by Mr. Belding’s continued sexual harassment.
Screech comes in dressed as Gumby and talks to Tori, who’s dressed as a cat, which makes no sense when Lisa said she was going as that. Tori tells Screech that Lisa knows he’s her secret admirer and is thrilled. Screech is to meet her for a kiss and look for the astronaut.
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Ginger has something in her teeth and can’t tell what Slater’s costume is supposed to be since she’s an idiot.
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Zack Morris comes in and finds Tori, thinking it’s Lisa, and tells her about the bet and how sorry he is and how he likes Tori and shit. She’s like, “That’s okay if you’re really sorry,” and they dance as Tori wonders who Gumby really is.
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And, oh, it’s so beautiful, Slater and Screech share a tender, intimate moment on the dance floor. They dance and hold each other close and then share a kiss without taking off their masks which, despite the lack of actual lip contact, probably counts as like third base in the Saved by the Bell universe.
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And they take off their masks and it all devolves into a gay panic joke. Oh, wasn’t that so precious? You just know that, had the internet been popular back then, there would have been Slareech fan fics all over the place.
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Zack Morris steals a kiss with Tori during the dance, making her the latest in a long string of female regulars he’s strung along.
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And our episode ends with Lisa discovering that, for a second time, Screech is her secret admirer. She proceeds to have a heart attack, which probably is what prevented her from being in The College Years.
Firsts: Zack Morris and Tori date.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Jun 11, 2015 10:36:51 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 8: “Day of Detention”
Oh no! They found where Zack Morris hid Jessie’s body! Seems she starved over the last few weeks because she’s been locked in his basement so long! Oh, Zack Morris! Have you no shame?!?!
RIP, Jessie.
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After that pointless close-up that only pointlessly serves to set up a plot point later in the episode, the episode proper opens with Lisa running in with big news. Zack Morris is all hoping it’s that Paula Abdul is the new gym teacher. Oh, couldn’t you just see that one?
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“Oh, Saved by the Bell: The New Class, you’re just so beautiful and you really have your heart in trying to be a decent show that people will love and remember as much as the original, but, honey, I don’t think you’re cut out for the Saturday morning TNBC line-up. Simon’s so mean to you but you follow your heart honey but I just don’t think you have what it takes but you’ll find your passion! Just don’t bring Dustin Diamond on your show!”
I would totally start a Patreon page just to see that happen.
Anyway, Lisa is actually excited because a DJ named Ken Kelly is broadcasting from The Max and is giving away a trip to Hawaii at some point today to whoever is the tenth caller. Naturally, all the gang want the trip, including Zack Morris, who’s so confident he’ll win he’s already on the phone to some girl inviting her to Hawaii for a nice fuck. It’s swell to see that it only took Zack Morris an episode to break up with Tori off camera. This really is the season of one episode Zack Morris romances.
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Mr. Belding comes in as the substitute teacher since, of the substitute teachers this show has introduced us to, one was freaked out by the female students’ obsession with him and the other was Mr. Belding’s incometent brother. As a result, Mr. Belding’s the only person available to substitute. And he’s fucking pissed that Zack Morris is on his cell phone in class. Mr. Belding tells Zack Morris no more phone calls in school and Zack Morris is all, “Blow me!”
Though Mr. Belding seems to hate cell phones, he has no problems with Lisa listening to a Walkman in class. She hears that Ken Kelly will be taking phone calls at 2:00 pm, because radio stations always announce what time their contests will happen. Zack Morris decides he needs to kick into action and find a way to scam that trip.
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This apparently involves Screech and horrible costumes since that’s the norm for this show. The plan is for Screech to set it up so he can intersect the phones. Okay, I’ve suspended my disbelief for a lot of bullshit on this show, but this is a tad too far. I don’t believe for a second that Screech can do this, especially from inside The Max. But, you know, the writers of this show also have no clue how phones work so what the hell.
Also, Zack Morris apparently just happened to have lineman jumpsuits with phones monogrammed to them conveniently lying around just in case he ever had need of taking over a radio station.
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And meet Ken Kelly himself, DJ at KDRP, the station dedicated to preserving Texas’s music culture! What is up with this show and picking really weird stations’ call signs to represent their fictional stations? Yeah, he’s approached by Zack Morris and Screech…for some odd reason…in order to fix the phones. Why would they come to him and not the manager of The Max?
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And, proving my point about Screech’s likely incompetence, he almost immediately sparks a fire. No, no, we can’t burn The Max down until The New Class!
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We skip to 2:00, where Screech is cleverly hidden underneath a table with a magical box that intercepts all the incoming call at The Max. You know what, I’m not sure why I’m questioning this, after all, this is the same show where Screech built a sentient robot and was mistaken for a government agent. The calls start coming in, and Screech hangs up on all of them except Zack Morris, who he puts through to Ken Kelly. Ken and his producer don’t seem to think anything’s odd about the long, strange pause between calls either.
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Zack Morris talks to Ken Kelly, who tells him he’s their tenth caller and he just needs to be at The Max by 4:00 to answer some trivia questions. Now, Ken says that Zack Morris is number ten but he’s the first caller we see get through. I’m sure they intended to imply that the other nine calls happened off camera but this doesn’t come through very well, especially considering radio contests are usually so hard to get through to because the calls come in so fast.
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Mr. Belding catches Zack Morris on his cell phone and sends him to detention for daring to disobey his lukewarm admonition against using cell phones in school. Conflict established.
In detention, which begins immediately, we get a running gag of the episode. Seems Mr. Belding bought a miniature bonsai tree as an anniversary present and has no clue how to maintain it so he just cuts randomly a the branches. Zack Morris asks to use the restroom so he can put a plan into action to get out of detention.
Zack Morris goes in the locker room and meets up with Slater and convinces Slater that, if he can get him out of detention, Zack Morris will take Slater to Hawaii with him so they can finally consummate their love.
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Slater puts the plan into action by faking an injury falling down the stairs. The idea is Zack Morris needs to take him to the hospital but Mr. Belding and Zack Morris argue so long over who gets the privilege that they both miss out.
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See, Ox comes up and, after insisting that he be allowed to take Slater to the hospital, proceeds to slam Slater’s supposedly hurt leg into a locker. Mr. Belding smells a rat when Ox’s stupidity doesn’t cause major pain to Slater and, after getting the truth out of him, sentences Slater to detention as well.
Zack Morris listens to Lisa’s Walkman that he seems to have stolen from her and realizes he only has an hour to make it to The Max. Once again, I’m confused why Mr. Belding hates cell phones so much but has no issue with Walkmen. Did a student once get made at Mr. Belding for his inconsistent administration style and stick a phone up Mr. Belding’s ass?
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Zack Morris sees Lisa and Tori through the door and sends them messages via paper airplane that he’ll take them to Hawaii if they get him out of detention. Number one, this means that Mr. Belding hates cell phones more than both Walkmen and paper airplanes since the messages had to have flown right past him to get to Lisa and Tori. Number two, how the hell is he going to take both of them? Won’t he only have two tickets to Hawaii?
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The plan involves Tori calling Zack Morris’s cell phone pretending to be his mother saying she needs him home right away for snuggling and Oprah. Unfortunately, the bell at Bayside likes to ring at random times so, since Tori called on the pay phone right outside the classroom, Mr. Belding realizes something’s up. He sentences Tori and Lisa, since she was in on it as well, to detention with Zack Morris and Slater.
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Time is running out and, unfortunately, Zack Morris’s last hope is the biggest idiot of the bunch. He first uses random animal organs that conveniently happen to be lying around the classroom to make Mr. Belding’s stomach queasy.
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After Mr. Belding leaves the room to throw up over this bull shit, Zack Morris calls Screech, who’s still hiding under the table…for some reason.
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So the latest plan involves Screech doing a horrible impression of Zack Morris in order to win the trip. You know, Ken Kelly has no idea what Zack Morris looks like so WHY THE HELL DO YOU NEED A FUCKING COSTUME?!?!?! God, this is the idiot Zack Morris is entrusting with his final hope? Oh, well. Unfortunately for Zack Morris, Screech has trouble answering basic questions like, “What’s the first thing you’ll do in Hawaii?” so he runs out of The Max to go back to Bayside.
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He finds the rest of the gang in detention and tries to ask Zack Morris what the first thing he’ll do in Hawaii is, but Mr. Belding won’t let Screech talk to Zack Morris unless he’s in detention. So…wouldn’t you know, he immediately insults Mr. Belding in order to be sent to detention. And, since Screech has a lower IQ than the bastard love child of my pet rock and Justin Bieber, he doesn’t realize until Zack Morris tells him that this means he can’t go back to The Max. Oh, and this is the guy Bayside entrusts with its students on a regular basis in the years to come…
So Zack Morris comes up with one last ditch effort when he finds out Screech knows lots about bonsai trees. He has Screech distract Mr. Belding while he dresses Jessie’s skeleton up in the bad wig Screech was wearing earlier along with the Walkman. He gets the rest of the gang to cover for him, though they’re reluctant since Slater says he double crossed them earlier. You got greedy, did something stupid, and got caught. How is that a double cross? It’s not like Zack Morris turned you in to save his own skin!
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While Screech proceeds to destroy Mr. Belding’s bonsai tree, Zack Morris sneaks out of class. That bonsai tree is barer than the list of women willing to fuck Screech without payment.
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And Screech is such an idiot that, when he returns to his desk, he believes Jessie’s skeleton is really Zack Morris. God, who dropped him on his head as a child?
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Zack Morris makes it to The Max just in time and successfully answers the first two questions, one on Peal Harbor being attacked by the Japanese during World War II and the other about Pipeline on Sunset Beach being a surfer’s hangout.
Meanwhile, Mr. Belding finally realizes something’s up with Zack Morris but thinks he’s sleeping.
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He goes over to wake Zack Morris up and pulls the head off Jessie’s skeleton. Okay, that scene was actually pretty funny I’ve got to admit. Mr. Belding’s reaction was priceless. But he thinks he knows what’s going on and tells the rest of the gang to stay put while he goes to look for Zack Morris.
Zack Morris has trouble, meanwhile, with the third question about what hobby is practiced in Hawaii involving pruning miniature trees. This is…a weird question. The answer they want is obviously bonsai trees but even Mr. Belding earlier said that pruning bonsai trees is a Japanese art. I’m sure there are people in Hawaii who prune bonsai trees, but is that really a fair question sine I’m sure there are also people in Hawaii who prune Chia Pets?
Zack Morris gets the question wrong and Ken Kelly says the next person who walks through the door of The Max will have an opportunity to win the trip.
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And wouldn’t you know that person is Mr. Belding, whose psychic link lead him to search for Zack Morris at The Max? Of course, Mr. Belding gets the question right and wins the trip. For some reason, he assumes that Zack Morris did all this so Mr. Belding could go to Hawaii for his anniversary. After knowing Zack Morris for five years, he should know better. There’s just no excuse. And our episode ends with Mr. Belding dragging Zack Morris back to detention as thanks for his efforts.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Jun 11, 2015 10:37:24 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 9: “Wrestling with the Future”
We open at The Max, where Zack Morris is hard at work interviewing Slater about being named the city wrestling champion after beating Valley’s unnamed star. Slater’s all, “Of course I beat him! I’m Slater!”vlcsnap-2015-04-10-16h57m53s241
And the girls each want to sleep with him now, especially Kelly and Jessie, who have been released from Zack Morris’s basement for good behavior after three long weeks, and they even doing a cheer about how he loves his father. Yeah, I really think the writers of this were never teenagers. Also, I guess the body last week must have been Violet’s instead. After all, we never found out what happened to her either.
But, yeah, next week is conveniently the state championship and everyone’s confident Slater will be victorious because that’s the way it always works in the Saved by the Bell universe.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-16h59m33s220
After randomly having her ass checked out by Screech and called “mama,” Jessie reveals she only rejoined the cheerleaders because it looks good on college applications. Um, you’re the eternal class president. I’m sure that counts for a little something. Jessie says colleges don’t usually let people know if they’ve been admitted until next week, but Screech tells her she’s delusional because he’s already been accepted to four colleges, including Princeton. Jessie’s beside herself because she can’t believe an Ivy League school would be idiotic enough to admit Screech as a student. Oh, Jessie. Anything is popular in the franchise where Screech is allowed to take Bayside students to school dances well into his twenties.
Naturally, to cope with this shit, Jessie resorts to eating. Oh, god. Please don’t let there be a very special episode on obesity before the end of the series…vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h00m44s164
Meanwhile, the wrestling coach from the University of Iowa offers Slater a wrestling scholarship to go there. Slater readily accepts, telling the gang that Iowa has one of the best wrestling programs in the country and, you won’t believe this, the writers aren’t just pulling this out of their asses this time! Iowa really does have one of the best wrestling programs in the NCAA. Slater takes Zack Morris to tell the news to his father as Jessie continues stealing food from other patrons because she’s depressed even Slater was admitted before her. We also find out that somehow a bowler mistook Screech’s head for a bowling ball once and stuck his fingers up Screech’s nose. That’s disturbing…vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h01m55s111
And, after a long absence, welcome back Major Slater, who has some exciting news of his own to tell Slater. Major Slater has arranged for a congressman to interview Slater for a spot in West Point. Once again, I’m kind of impressed with the research that’s gone into this episode. Congressional representatives really can nominate candidates for West Point. It’s almost like the writers care about accuracy for once…
Zack Morris tries to get Slater to tell his father the news about Iowa but he decides not to. After the major leaves, Slater tells Zack Morris that attending West Point has always been his father’s dream for him, and he doesn’t want to shatter that dream. Zack Morris says he’s sure he’ll come up with an overly convoluted plan to ensure Slater doesn’t have to go to West Point nor break his father’s heart.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h04m03s91
The next day at Bayside, Jessie continues her obsessive eating because she got a rejection letter from Yale. Also, Lisa seems to think a person shouldn’t eat potato chips at 9:00 am. It’s like she’s confusing chips with whiskey… Screech, meanwhile, continues to receive acceptance letters, including to the Barbizon School of Modeling. Okay, there goes the believability of this episode. Anyone who would look at Screech and decide he should be a model is just a dumb ass.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h04m44s9
Mr. Belding greets Congressman Shepard, who’s there to conduct Slater’s interview. He’s played by a guy named John McCann. No joke, when I first saw his name in the credits, I thought it said John McCain and I was all, “Oh, shit, did they actually get a real member of Congress?” After all, I was like twelve when this episode premiered so, for all I know, this might have been how John McCain looked.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h05m31s226
After Mr. Belding leaves, Zack Morris enters dressed as Rambo with a mullet. He says he’s Slater and, I have to admit, what follows is actually one of Zack Morris’s better plans.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h07m19s16
See, the plan is to act bat shit insane so that Congressman Shepard will think Slater’s a raving racist war mongering loon and not want him anywhere near West Point or a loaded firearm. For those keeping track, Zack Morris suggests the military attack Canada and take Toronto in a victorious march. This spectacular display of crazy works since the congressman is dismayed that Zack Morris doesn’t seem to realize Toronto isn’t the capital of Canada, and he runs away as fast as possible to get out of this scene.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h08m02s182
In the hallway, candy comes pouring out of Jessie’s locker, indicating Harvard turned her down. Yeah, it must have got back to them that your friends had a shitty actor who works at The Max imitate one of their recruiters last season. Meanwhile, Slater reveals he didn’t go to the interview. Zack Morris comes up and tells Slater the plan worked. Kelly and Lisa are incredulous that Slater would throw away an opportunity like West Point because Slater should have totally ignored his own feelings and gone to the interview anyway. Who cares about what Slater wants to do with his life! Besides, as Zack Morris points out, what’s the worst that can happen: they find out Slater lied and still don’t admit him?
Well, this is the Saved by the Bell universe…
In his office, Mr. Belding tells Congressman Shepard that the sort of behavior the congressman described isn’t typical for Slater. They go into the hallway and Mr. Belding says hi to Slater. The two of them start putting the pieces of the puzzle together and Mr. Belding realizes this must have had something to do with Zack Morris. vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h10m01s106
Mr. Belding and Congressman Shepard enter a classroom where the congressman identifies Zack Morris as the student he interviewed.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h10m33s166
So the proportional response is for a military police officer to come in and arrest Zack Morris for “impersonating a West Point applicant to a United States congressman.”vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h10m40s236
And Slater’s arrested for aiding and abetting. Um, are those even crimes? They were lying, but I’m pretty sure lying isn’t illegal unless you’re under oath. Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure this is bull shit.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h11m29s211
And what’s even more bullshit is that they’re handcuffed and brought to Mr. Belding’s office, where Slater can’t believe he listened to another Zack Morris plan. In your defense, Slater, this one actually wasn’t half bad. Zack Morris starts pleading for mercy and Slater tells Zack Morris to take his possible imprisonment in the military justice system like a man.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h12m10s108
And Slater breaks down, of course, when Mr. Belding threatens to call hi father. Way to hold up under pressure, Slater. Mr. Belding and Congressman Shepard decide the two have learned their lesson and tell the MPs to release them. So…wait…you wasted the time of two members of the military, disrupted class, and humiliated two students in front of their teacher and peers in order to teach them a lesson? I would say this is unrealistic but this is the same show where a government agent once mistook Screech for an alien and that believes caffeine pills are Satan’s dirty little capsules of evil…
After the congressman and the MPs leave, Mr. Belding sends Zack Morris off because, since his heart was in the right place, he gets off Scott free. Guess that’s the rule since he taught that mean oil executive a lesson for killing Becky. Slater decides he has to do what he should have just done all along and tell his father the truth.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h14m19s128
At the Slater household, Slater tells his father the truth: that he doesn’t want to go to West Point and be a part of the military industrial complex. Major Slater takes the news that his son finds Iowa more attractive than a military career bad and randomly decides he’s going to leave early, meaning that he’ll miss the state championships, which seems like a really dickish move no matter how disappointed Major Slater may be in his son at that moment.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h15m51s21
At The Max, Jessie’s received a final college decision but can’t bring herself to open it. Lisa take the envelope and is all, “This is some stupid bullshit right here! I’ll open it!” Lisa tells Jessie she’s been admitted to Columbia.vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h16m56s159
But Screech is sad he was rejected from his first choice, the Fisher College for Women. I…I just don’t have the energy to deal with Screech’s idiocy anymore today. We end this subplot with Zack Morris revealing he’s been admitted to Yale because of his high SAT score last season because SATs are apparently the only thing colleges look at in the Saved by the Bell universe. Notice, however, that no one was admitted to Cal U. Now, Kelly and Screech were noncommittal about where they were going so I can believe they’d decide to go to Cal U, especially given how much of an idiot Screech is, but The College Years is asking me to believe that Zack Morris would give up Yale and Slater would give up a full scholarship to Iowa just to go to the same college together? Yeah, that might be the most unbelievable thing in this franchise yet…
Slater comes in for the pep rally and he’s bummed because he thinks his father hates him. He can’t get up a smile about the match.
In the locker room, Mr. Belding comes in and tries to give a typical Mr. Belding pep talk to Slater. vlcsnap-2015-04-10-17h20m01s209
Zack Morris comes in with Major Slater, having convinced the major he should come see his son’s match. This apparently involved Screech lying down in front of Major Slater’s jeep. Big question: why didn’t the major run over Screech and do his country a huge favor?!?!?! Ugh, the lost opportunity…
Zack Morris leaves the two to bond and make-up. Major Slater says he only wants what will make Slater happy and, if that means the cornfields of Iowa, then so be it. And our episode ends with Major Slater trying to get Slater to join the ROTC at Iowa because he still hasn’t learned his lesson yet…
In terms of the episodes we’ve seen so far this season, this is actually one of the better ones. The most unrealistic things about it were the scheme with the MPs and Screech being admitted to so many good universities. Overall, it was quite realistic: son afraid to disappoint father, father being disappointed but coming around when he realizes this will make son happy. This is something that is quite likely to be all too realistic for many in the target demographic, and it’s nice to see the issue tackled so well.
But, you know, I just realized, I must have seen too many episodes in this franchise, because they held a pep rally at The Max and it didn’t even phase me. Oh, woe is me! My mind is slowly turning to goo!
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Jun 11, 2015 10:37:55 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 10: “Drinking and Driving”
Ah, it’s homecoming time again at Bayside which means that, since Kelly’s locked in Zack Morris’s basement again this week, Lisa’s running for homecoming queen. She’s getting an A in sucking up, too, as she even says Tori’s outfit is great, which you know is a damned dirty lie.
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Meanwhile, as captain of the football team, Slater tries to organize a party for the seniors, but the brain trust he’s assembled wouldn’t be able to figure out that Clark Kent is really Superman.
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Lisa makes a grand entrance complete with Tori throwing confetti and shit in order to litter The Max and make working conditions unsafe for the employees there. Turns out that, in one scene, she’s been elected homecoming queen because we don’t have time for once to deal with a stupid plot that goes nowhere. No, it’s a very special episode so we’ve got much more important things to talk about.
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But first Slater has to figure out what to do about his dumb ass teammates who can’t even seem to remember they’re present to plan a party. Tori makes a smart ass comment about them being animals and, therefore, needing to rip off Animal House and have a toga party. The dimwits hear Tori and think it’s a great idea so…vlcsnap-2015-04-12-20h49m16s50
Let’s just go directly there to the party at Ox’s house, where Ox wans to smash his own belongings because that’s a good idea. Is he trying to compete with Screech for biggest dumb ass award?
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And Zack Morris has his standards set high tonight as he’s trying to arrange a nice threesome with a couple lady friends, which Tori has to make a disgusted frowny face about.
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One of the football players brings in a bunch of beer and they proceed to peer pressure Zack Morris, Slater, and Lisa into drinking some of it because the extras have decided it’s time for our gang to act like real teenagers instead of Peter Engel’s interpretation of Leave it to Beaver. Also, despite resisting Johnny Dakota’s temptations last season, this season they’ve turned into the most easily influenced teenagers in the world. They proceed to get mildy intoxicated while the extras stumble around as the director thinks they would if they were wasted. Tori says she’s had enough of this stupid acting and is going home.
Lisa decides she needs to get home and get some beauty sleep before her coronation. Her parents have randomly left their Mercedes in Lisa’s posession while they’re out of town but she’s feeling too drunk to drive. Zack Morris, on the other hand, feels just fine.vlcsnap-2015-04-12-20h52m40s55
And you can probably guess the rest. They’re just cruising along, singing a Troggs song really poorly, which means that the producers have spent their budget on actual songs for the rest of the series. Zack Morris decides to lean over the back seat and try to give Slater a blowjob, causing them to run into a telephone pole. And, no kidding, the effect is the exact same one as when Lisa crashed Mr. Belding’s car in “Wicked Stepbrother, Part 1.”
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They wake Tori up to come rejoin the plot and give them money to tow the car to Zack Morris’s house, where Slater says it’ll probably cost a lot to fix because he has a feeling the writers are going to need to introduce some conflict to show why it sucks to drink and drive.
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But they wake up someone else, Derek Morris, who’s decided to grace us with another appearance in order to buy a stupid story from the gang that a cat ran out in front of them and so that he’ll be around later to give a nice preachy wrap up to the whole thing. He says it’s fine but he’ll call Lisa’s parents to let them know what happened and that she’s fine.
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Lisa can’t let Derek know her parents are out of town because then he’d know that, as practically an adult, she’s home alone! Oh no! So she calls him first and does a really bad impersonation of her mom’s voice so that he’ll instantly buy the bullshit and know that Lisa’s parents have been informed.
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The next day, they’re naturally totally hung over from a little bit of beer. Even on my twenty-first birthday when I drank a shit ton of beer, I didn’t get this drunk. It’s like the writers have never been drunk themselves…
Slater comes in and gives the bad news that Lisa’s mom’s car will cost $1,000 to fix, but they can get by with $500 if they can steal a water pump from the auto shop. That steal leaves a lot of money to be raised and Zack Morris has the perfect plan to raise it. But, what do they need a water pump for? The damage to the car looked mostly aesthetic and relatively not too bad. Um, contrivance anyone?
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Meet Sylvester. Now the plan is stupid and involves Sylvester paying $120 to have a brief message to a girl he likes stiched to Slater’s jersey during the homecoming game. It’s idiotic so of course Sylvester goes for it. The more important thing, though, is that Sylvester complicates matters for those of you who have been arguing in the comments that the Tori episodes are in an alternate dimension. See, Sylvester made exactly four appeareances: two in Tori episodes and two in Kelly/Jessie episodes. So I content that my theory that Zack Morris is locking Kelly and Jessie in his basement is correct because nah nah na boo boo!
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Lisa, meanwhile, calls her mother in order to establish that Mrs. Turtle will have a role in the end of episode shaming as well.
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Of course, they entrust the stupidest member of the gang with stealing a water pump and, when he encounters Mr. Belding, he ends up telling a fantastic story.
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The story he tells, and this is not an embelishment on my part, is that a truckload of bananas spilled all over the freeway. Also, some monkkeys apparently died. This somehow justifies Screech stealing a water pump as Mr. Belding doesn’t seem to mind the thievery at all.
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Also, Slater managed to hurt his shoulder in the car accident so he can’t play in the homecoming game. Are we actually going to see consequences of the gang’s actions?!?!?! Mr. Belding also believes it was the result of hard practice and shit.
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Lisa is crowned homecoming queen at The Max, of course, and her mother comes to watch her crowned. Mr. Belding says a bunch of shit about Lisa being honest and shit, anything to make her feel guilty, and no one seems to believe the football team can win without Slater. My biggest question, though, is: who is this random cheerleader that crowned Lisa? Is she on call just in case Kelly and Jessie get locked in Zack Morris’s basement again? Also, since Slater can’t play in the game, Sylvester takes Zack Morris’s phone as a refund for the message his girl won’t see.
Slater and Tori fixed the car during lunch so it’s all ready for them to go to Zack Morris’s house and pick up. But, when they get there, the car won’t start, probably because Slater and Tori went fiddling around under the engine for aesthetic problems, leading to Slater making up some bullshit about needing to unclog something or another in order to buy them time. vlcsnap-2015-04-12-21h08m28s75
And they would have gotten away with it, too, if not for the appearence of a random Derek Morris. Derek reveals the accident and the pieces of their lies soon start to unravel. Mrs. Turtle tells Lisa it’s time to go home so she can beat the ever loving shit out of her daughter for being a part of such a cliched plot. Also, Lisa doesn’t get to participate in homecoming. CONSEQUENCES! Derek tells Slater to go home and tell his father about the accident before he calls the major.
vlcsnap-2015-04-12-21h10m30s12After they leave, Derek wonders where he went wrong with Zack Morris. Oh, if only he hadn’t killed Miss Bliss’s Peter and replaced him as Zack Morris’s father! Derek tells Zack Morris this whole thing was stupid because he shouldn’t have been trying to orally stimulate Slater while driving to begin with, and he grounds Zack Morris and takes away his car. And our episode ends with Derek assuring Zack Morris he’s doing all this so Zack Morris will learn not to do stupid things that could potentially get him hurt which, spoiler alert, he will never stop doing.
As far as very special episodes on this series goes, this was not the worst they’ve ever done. It’s not a very good anti-drinking episode, but it gets its point across and it’s not overly preachy. It could be worse: we could be comparing caffeine pills to cocaine again!
Firsts: Sylvester.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Jun 16, 2015 13:37:47 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 11: “Love Machine”
Now here’s something weird. The opening theme for this episode is the one from some of the early season three episodes where it was the new version of the theme over the pictures from season two. That’s weird. I wonder why they would choose to use this theme?
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So we open to discover that, among Mr. Tuttle’s many talents, is the ability to be a science teacher. My god, as many subjects as this man is qualified to teach, he must have been in school forever! But he’s still determined to make an honest man out of Zack Morris, who’s not taking science projects seriously.
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Now this is funny. These are two of our nerds from seasons two and three. They haven’t shown up in season four yet. I wonder why they’re suddenly here making stupid contraptions like a bug zapper that fits over your mouth for convenient cycling…vlcsnap-2015-04-16-22h00m20s107
Kelly and Screech made a “love machine,” a contraption that can tell if you have feelings for someone. Number one, more unbelievable than Kevin the Robot. Just no. Number two, can we use it on Screech and Mr. Belding? It might solve a few questions over why Screech suddenly shows back up at Bayside in a couple years.vlcsnap-2015-04-16-22h00m53s179
Slater’s paired up with an extra because Lisa accidentally got locked in the basement with Tori this week. They’ve invented roller blades with gas powered rockets on them, which seem quite dangerous prospects to wear. I think the writers have been watching too much Inspector Gadget.
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But there’s time for stuff that won’t have anything else to do with the plot because Mr. Belding comes in to introduce the class to a new student: Jennifer Wade. Zack Morris thinks she’s hot and fuckable but Slater seems a bit shy about her. Turns out she’s his girlfriend from Germany.
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Mr. Belding asks Kelly and Jessie if Jennifer can have Lisa’s spot in the gang until they figure out what’s become of her, or until the episode is over, whichever comes first. Jennifer’s dad is in the army and she’s never gone to school in the states so she needs some good ‘ole girls to teach her the American way. Beverly Hills 90210 marathon it is.
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Screech proceeds to let Jennifer know he’s the village idiot by doing really bad sign language for her, believing she doesn’t speak English despite the fact she speaks perfect English and even has an American accent. Can was create one of Sarah Palin’s death panels just for him? It would solve everyone a lot of trouble.
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Zack Morris and Slater peek around the corner at Jennifer as Slater says that he and Jennifer never really broke up before he moved to LA. Okay, no big deal. Slater might actually be able to have a romance this season. But…Zack Morris says that means Slater has two girlfriends, and Slater doesn’t want Jessie to find out about Jennifer…
Wait a minute…third season opening theme…second and third season nerds…Jessie and Slater dating…this is a fucking out of season episode, isn’t it? And this one is strange at that! In the past, all our out of season episodes were either nonsensical and obvious they were aired out of season (like “Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind” and “The Babysitters”) or subtle and integrated well enough it wasn’t obvious (like “The Last Dance” and “The Aftermath”). I want to know: how confused were people on the original airing of this when suddenly Slater and Jessie were dating again? I mean, I’m immersed enough in this show now that I recognize when this shit is happening, but, in a season constantly alternating between Kelly/Jessie and Tori, this had to have been confusing as hell on its original airing…
Slater’s plan to lay low from Jennifer is soon ruined when Kelly and Jessie call them over. Jennifer immediately recognizes her Albert Clifford, and we get Slater’s full first name for the first time. Weird thing is, the gang’s known Slater for three years and none of them know his first name, not even Jessie. If my girlfriend didn’t know my first name, even if I didn’t often use it, I might be looking for a new girlfriend.
Slater explains that he and Jennifer lived next door to each other. Zack Morris suggests that they get to know each other over lunch but Jessie and Kelly have to conveniently go to student council so the guys take Jennifer to The Max instead while Screech continues to be a dumb ass.
At The Max, Zack Morris told Screech about this whole situation for some reason because we know from experience that Screech can be trusted with secrets. Slater comes in wearing a shirt from West Berlin to impress Jennifer and is about to shoo off Zack Morris and Screech so he can have some alone time with Jennifer when Kelly and Jessie walk in. Turns out Jessie injured another student and Mr. Belding so she could go to lunch so now we can spill some shit.
They dance around the relationships until Screech finally just blurts out in the most awkward way possible that Slater and Jessie are dating. Jennifer suddenly lost her appetite that she had to find out about this development from the person who will one day make his family proud by collecting cats and mumbling incoherently about the pain his pot holder is going through, so she leaves before this gets any more awkward.
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Back at Bayside, Screech tries the love machine on a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly and finds them incompatible, because that’s a totally scientific experiment…
Meanwhile, Zack Morris and Jessie want to test their experiment, a miniature listening device built into a pen. They send Screech out in the hall with the pen where, of course, he finds Slater and Jennifer commiserating over their relationship.
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Slater takes the pen from Jennifer so he can write down Jennifer’s number and proceeds to say as many incriminating things as possible so Jessie can hear and freak out. Jessie reacts mature enough by declaring it’s time to murder Slater.
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In Zack Morris’s room, Slater freaks out because of the pain his he-man girlfriend is sure to soon give him while Zack Morris is apparently concerned enough to play Nerf ball in the background. Slater can’t decide whether he really wants to be with Jessie or Jennifer. Zack Morris tries to steer Slater towards the girl he doesn’t want to fuck, but there’s no winning. Slater gets the idea that Zack Morris needs to date Jennifer so she won’t be a threat to Jessie anymore.
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Naturally, when Jessie finds Slater, she handles the situation with a certain poised demeanor we’ve come to expect from her. Slater assures her that he only wanted Jennifer’s phone number so he could tell her the truth and she buys his bullshit story enough to let him go. She doesn’t trust him enough, though, since her thing is always jealousy so she asks Zack Morris to go on a date with Jennifer so she can test whether Slater is really over her or not.
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The school dunce finds Jennifer, though, and randomly tells her the full plan because he’s a fucking moron who needs to be neutered to prevent unwanted pregnancy.
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On their date, Zack Morris immediately starts acting as you’d expect from her, hoping that this will finally be the night he loses he cursed virginity. Zack Morris even asks Jennifer to meet his pickle, or something like that. They start dancing casually and that seems to constitute first base in this universe.
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The minute Jessie goes to poo, Slater cuts in and gets jealous that Zack Morris asked Jennifer to walk on the beach with him, because that might lead to some skinny dipping if we know Zack Morris well!
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In class, it’s time to show off the projects and Jessie gets Mr. Tuttle to choose Zack Morris and Jennifer to test the love machine. Oh, they’re very compatible! Things are getting hot up in here!vlcsnap-2015-04-16-22h17m08s199
This is enough for Slater, who flies into jealous and grabs Zack Morris’s handle on the love machine, which declares his compatibility with Jennifer to be “Wow”. Wow, indeed. Slater blurts out that Zack Morris is stealing his girlfriend, and Jessie runs out.
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In the locker room, Jessie takes this news about as well as can be expected, taking her anger out on lockers and shit. Kelly tells Jessie she needs to let Slater go on a date with Jennifer so they’ll know if they still have feelings for one another, and Jessie’s all, “But I love him, at least until we break up later this year because I have feelings for another guy!”
In the hallway, Slater finds Jessie and tries to apologize but Jessie tells him to go on a date with Jennifer and decide what he wants.
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So they go to the folding chair theater to see the new Mel Gibson film, which, for this year, is probably The Man Without a Face. Not a bad film but it’s not exactly date material, especially when you’re trying to figure out if you like someone or not.
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Naturally, we can’t let Slater and Jennifer just figure things out for themselves s we need Zack Morris and Jessie to dress up like really bad old people in order to spy on them.
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And, oh, Zack Morris is a girl, again! He just loves dressing in drag, doesn’t he? Zack Morris and Jessie briefly freak Slater and Jennifer the fuck out over their intrusive behavior. Since no one in the Saved by the Bell universe has facial recognition capabilities, Slater and Jennifer don’t recognize them.
Slater and Jennifer proceed to argue over where they like to sit in the theater and whether they prefer real names or nicknames and whether Mel Gibson or Kevin Costner is hotter, but all Zack Morris and Jessie see is Jennifer giving Slater a neck massage, which is like third base.
Zack Morris and Jessie end up back at The Max, where they each believe they’ve lost a loved one. Slater and Jennifer come in looking for them and are shocked by the great disguises that fooled them for like the thousandth time. Slater and Jennifer say they’ve decided to just be friends since Jennifer’s not attracted to Mel Gibson anymore due to his deformed face and her psychic ability to predict his future religious fanaticism. Slater declares his love Jessie for most of the rest of the season this episode should have aired in.
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And our episode ends with Zack Morris asking Jennifer out to the movies since she thinks drag is terribly sexy. And just in time because Zack Morris has to get home and let Tori and Lisa out of the basement for next week’s episode!
Firsts: Slater’s first and middle names (Albert Clifford).
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Jun 16, 2015 13:38:09 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 12: “Class Rings”
We open at a senior class meeting to decide the style of class rings the students should order this year. Mr. Belding gets the eerie feeling that someone’s missing. Yes, Mr. Belding, Jessie and Kelly are missing! Why aren’t you doing anything to find them! Jessie’s the class president for Christ’s sake! She would be involved in a meeting like this!
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But, no, it’s Zack Morris and Tori he’s talking about because they were off consummating the love the writers forgot about the last few weeks.
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Ox suggests they just order the normal style with Bayside on one side and the year on the other and everyone else practically crown him king of the idiots for actually saying something intelligent rather than merely being around to make Screech look like less of an idiot by comparison.
And guess who agrees to take over as head of the ring project even though there’s no logical reason given his track record he should be trusted with anything important or that he should want to do this? No, not Screech, but that was a good answer. Our occasional resident idiot, Zack Morris!
In the hallway, after Screech makes a stupid comment about wanting to buy a second class ring for next year, Tori wants to know why Lisa is always such a bitch to Tori. Lisa’s all, “You haven’t had to deal with this fucking idiot for five years! You should pity Mr. Belding, who has to deal with his crap for another six!” Tori makes a bet with Lisa that, if she can go to the movies with Screech and not be mean to him, Lisa has to be nice to him the rest of the year.
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Zack Morris, meanwhile, convinces Melvin Nerdstrom to buy two class rings because everyone in this universe is an idiot even if they’re supposed to be smart. Wait, Melvin Nerdstrom? Wasn’t he Violet’s misogynistic ex-boyfriend? That’s…an odd choice of a character to bring back after being absent two years. Were they hoping no one would remember who he was and forget that he made Zack Morris look like a radical feminist by comparison?
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Tori, meanwhile, tells Zack Morris about her bet and Zack Morris is all, “If you want to do shit with Screech, don’t blame me when you want to gouge your eyes out!” She asks Screech out and he agrees, believing, naturally, that he’s just that desirable.
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We cut to the movies, where Zack Morris, Slater, and Lisa spy on Screech and Tori’s date as Screech gives Tori some popcorn with his “secret sauce” on it. There sure are a lot of episodes involving Screech’s secret sauce. She better make sure he wasn’t in the restroom with it. He also tells her the ending to the movie because he’s an idiot who doesn’t seem to understand that’s not desirable when seeing a movie for the first time.
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Screech also reveals he keeps mice in his pocket because all girls hate mice. But she has the self-control of an angel and doesn’t freak out once during the movie, meaning Lisa has to be nice to him the rest of the year, or at least until the plot demands different.
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At The Max, meet Gem Diamond (Get it? It’s funny because it’s a pun!), whom Zack Morris decides to buy the class rings from because men dressed as snitches from Miami Vice are totally trustworthy.
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Gem pulls out a bunch of mannequin hands with rings on them and proceeds to put on one of the worst scam pitches I’ve ever seen, but Zack Morris is an idiot in this episode so he falls for it completely, believing he got a deal on rings because Gem agrees to sell his “top” ring for $66 a ring and give Zack Morris one for free. Gem, having obviously scammed Zack Morris, goes to find Sonny Crockett and give him the down low on a drug smuggling ring.
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Screech comes in and Lisa does her best to be nice to him. He couldn’t care less, though, because he’s convinced himself that a girl being somewhat pleasant with him means she wants in his hot pants so he’s decided Tori’s in love with him.
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The gang go to tell Tori and she doesn’t believe it until Screech comes walking up with a shit ton of balloons because going on one date with a girl and then giving her balloons equals guaranteed poon tang. vlcsnap-2015-04-18-17h59m12s66
At The Max, Tori tries her best to tell Screech to go fuck himself in the nicest way possible, but everything she says he just interprets as her being madly in love with him. He decides that the way to make Tori like him is to kill his bugs, because that’s how I would interpret the line, “This just won’t work.”
Zack Morris comes in with the class rings and Slater asks whether it’s a bit fishy that Gem made the rings overnight. Well, no, I just assumed it was the usual Saved by the Bell ignorance of time constraints. If you’re going to do something crazy, though, like use actual standards of production, I guess it it kind of fishy, but Zack Morris just assumes that Gem is super dee awesome!
Zack Morris and Lisa give Tori shit for not realizing that Screech can’t be reasoned with so Tori begs Zack Morris for help.
That help involves Slater waiting in the locker room for Screech and telling him that Zack Morris is heartbroken over Screech and Tori. Zack Morris comes in and Slater tells Screech to go cheer him up since Screech is occasionally supposed to be Zack Morris’s best friend when Slater isn’t.
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Screech’s idea of cheering up Zack Morris involves making faces like you would at an easily impressed infant to make it smile. Although I’m sure the thought crossed Zack Morris’s mind, he doesn’t slap the shit out of Screech and, instead, tells him the only thing that will cheer him up is if Screech doesn’t date Tori. Screech tells him to fuck off, and right there is where Screech is a piece of shit. Remember earlier this season when he acted like a baby over Zack Morris dating Lisa and Zack Morris agreed to back off if it would make Screech happy? Yeah, Screech wasn’t even dating Lisa or had a chance with her. He won’t back off of Zack Morris’s girlfriend? Yeah, go and shove yourself up Tommy D’s asshole and die, Screech!
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In the hallway, Screech plays peek-a-boo with Tori and then makes her wear his class ring despite the fact he’s not formally asked Tori out. The sexual harassment continues!
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Lisa finds Zack Morris and tells him the ring left a green ring on her finger because, surprise, surprise, it’s fake gold. Slater, Tori, and he discover they have green rings, too, and Melvin leads a revolt of the extras who are all upset about the fake rings.
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Zack Morris calls Gem, who tries to weasel his way out of the phone call at first but then just tells Zack Morris to go fuck off because, if he was stupid enough to fall for this thing, he got what he deserved.
Zack Morris things he’s dead at first but then he comes up with a plan to wrap up both plots with one convoluted plan he shares with Slater, Tori, and Lisa.
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In a random classroom, Tori finds Screech marveling at fleas in a fake circus because fleas are such trainable animals. Tori comes in and shows Screech a green ring on her chest and tells her she’s pissed off that he’s desecrated the symbol of their love. She tells him someone needs to teach the guy who ripped off Zack Morris a lesson and, after Screech accidentally kills a flea, he decides that someone will be him since that worked out so well back in Good Morning, Miss Bliss.
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Meanwhile, Zack Morris makes a deal with Gem to become partners. The plan he has is that he will go into high schools and convince the students to buy Gem’s rings.
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While Slater randomly rips jukeboxes off the wall. Gem briefly wonders why someone he just ripped off wants to do business with him but, since we’re running short on time, he decides the idea’s brilliant because plot, and they shake hands on their deal.
But, then, Screech walks in, and…
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Oh, God, why me…
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Why the fuck me…
Oh, casual racism, your absence on Saved by the Bell has been sorely missed. Welcome back! You remind me of the good ‘ole days when Zack Morris dressed up as Arabs or Screech dressed up as Native Americans that talked like Captain Caveman. Oh, to be back in those simpler times!
Anyway, Zack Morris and Slater pretend to protect Gem but Screech easily defeats them with poor stunt moves that make the first season of Power Rangers look realistic by comparison. He then goes after Gem, who agrees to get them real rings if they’ll only let him go so he can go rip off California Dreams.
Yes, this is the episode that places Saved by the Bell and California Dreams in the same universe. Strange enough, Gem Diamond shows up in season five of California Dreams because they had need of a Miami Vice snitch to rip them off there, too. Oh, joy…
The new rings arrive another twenty-four hours later, meaning Zack Morris was probably ripped off again, and Slater is never arrested for vandalism of property at The Max because vandalism is only vandalism if we’re having a very special episode.
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Every girl at Bayside except Lisa and Tori has suddenly gone brain dead and thinks Screech is hot for dealing with Gem so they all want to fuck him now. This means that Screech doesn’t want Tori anymore because he doesn’t want to date a lesbian when he can have lots of hot straight girls.
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And our episode ends with the audience losing their shit over Zack Morris and Tori kissing after he gives her his class ring to remind us that the status quo has been reestablished, at least for half this seasons’s episodes.
Firsts: Gem Diamond.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Jun 16, 2015 13:38:32 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 13: “Isn’t it Romantic?”
Ah, it’s a clip episode and, if you read my The New Class reviews, you know I don’t review clips from episodes that I’ve already watched. I mean, what else is there to say about them that wasn’t said the first time around? Clip episodes are almost always just excuses to save money by not filming an entire new episode, and season four of Saved by the Bell has four of them. I suppose I should say that I’m grateful they at least waited until they had enough material to make actual clips. But the good thing about these episodes is your reviewer basically gets half a week off. I say half a week because I still have to review the suckiness that is The New Class.
So, let’s look briefly at the framing plot and see how transparent this attempt to pad out the number of episodes is.
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It’s Valentine’s Day and romance is in the air at The Max. Why, just look at the chemistry between these two extras who look like they’re playing that game as a kid where you stare at someone and see who blinks first.
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Then there are these two, who couldn’t obtain a copy of The Joy of Sex at Bayside’s library so they’re settling for a book simply called “Love” instead. This is about as bad as when Screech had that stupid book in Palm Desert.
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And, of course, there’s the ultimate romance of feeding your boyfriend like he’s an infant. Seriously, if someone tried to feed me, I might smack the shit out of them and tell them to buy a cat if they want to feed someone.
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These two are getting married I guess? I don’t know. He gave her a ring and didn’t say a word so I’m just going to go with they’re both mute and communicate via the contours of their smiles.
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The episode proper opens with Zack Morris declaring how much he likes Valentine’s Day because random girls he doesn’t even know stop and give him roses. Oh, Zack Morris. That’s not love. That’s a stalker.
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Kelly, for some reason, thinks Zack Morris bought roses for the whore of an ex who dumped him for a former Star Trek captain because I always buy flowers for my exes on Valentine’s Day, especially if they cheated on me.
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He realizes there’s only one girl at the table he hasn’t been with and he’ll get to her in a few weeks, so he gives both Lisa and Jessie a rose for being his one episode fling.
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Screech comes out dressed as a giant heart because he’s a fucking idiot and thinks this will win Lisa over to him since we’ve forgotten once again that he’s supposed to have gotten over Lisa.
So the clips start and the first set is about Zack Morris and Kelly and about how she supposedly went for him because he wanted her so bad. No, you went for him because you played einey meanie miney mo between him and Slater.
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Slater and Jessie fight over who wanted to go out with whom. As a result, we see a series of clips about their relationship.
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A nerd randomly steals Screech’s heart and we get a series of clips about his sexual harassment of Lisa.
We also get a miscellaneous set about the gang dating guest stars but they claim they never liked any of these people as much as their set romances within the gang.
After they waste twenty-three minutes talking about past episodes, the boys think it was a good Valentine’s Day but Kelly says it’s not over yet. She huddles with Jessie and Lisa and convinces Lisa to do the dirtiest thing she’s ever done in her life.
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So Kelly kisses Zack Morris.
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Jessie kisses Slater.
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And Lisa kisses her harasser because we needed to strip Lisa of any remaining dignity she had left. And our episode ends with Zack Morris wishing everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day even though this episode originally aired a few days before Halloween. God this show was horrible with its timing on holiday-themed episodes.
I don’t normally comment too much on the clips but there are two things I want to point out. One, a couple major romantic interests are notably missing. Stacey and Tori are nowhere to be seen. Now the explanation for Tori is obvious: she just didn’t exist yet when this episode was filmed, but they could have added in a clip or two afterwards! Stacey’s a different story, and I know someone will point out that the second clip episode is devoted to that arc, but it’s still odd that they did a clip episode on love interests without even showing one of Zack Morris’s major love interest.
Two, one clip provides evidence that what we have via the DVDs, Netflix, and reruns are cut episodes.
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This is a scene from “The Aftermath” where Slater sets Zack Morris up with Terry, an overly-masculine woman from his gym who dominates Zack Morris Rhonda Rubistelli-style. Yeah, if you don’t remember this clip, that’s because it’s been cut out of everything except this scene in the clip episode. Most shows restore cut scenes for DVD release as a service to fans. Saved by the Bell doesn’t give a shit about all that. Yeah, it shouldn’t surprise me that this is the way Saved by the Bell treats its loyal fans, but it’s disappointing nonetheless.
Well, until next week when we actually get back to a real episode and not just an excuse to have twenty-six episodes for the season!
Firsts: Clip episode.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Jun 16, 2015 13:39:08 GMT
Saved by the Bell Season 4, Episode 14: “The Will”
We open with Slater jealous he wasn’t invited to girl talk. He was so hoping to be a part of pillow fights and make overs and talking about how hot Zack Morris is. And what is girl talk about you ask?
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Why, it seems Lisa has been stalking Zack Morris and Tori while they’re out on dates.
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I mean really stalking them. It’s quite creepy actually. Imagine you’re getting ready to kiss your girlfriend when Lisa leans in with a camera to snap your photo. Seriously, Lisa, this is why you can’t have a boyfriend for more than one episode. You freak them the fuck out. I think you’ve been around Screech too long.
Also, the audience totally loses their shit over a photo of Zack Morris and Tori kissing. This audience really needs to get laid before they start having wet dreams of holding hands.
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But, not to worry, our star couple randomly runs into lockers while they’re busy not paying attention to where they’re going. What would be even better is if they were walking out into traffic, and it was Screech instead of Zack Morris and Tori. That would make this entire project worth it.
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And, speaking of our resident idiot, here’s Screech now dressed as a 1930’s era golf player because the writers of this show think dressing Screech up like my grandfather will be hilarious. Turns out he’s on the “miniature golf team” because that’s totally a real thing. They’ve had their budget cut so he’s using eggs instead of golf balls because having screech act like a moron will draw all the laughs, or else encourage suicidal tendencies.
Yeah, as routinely happens when Saved by the Bell needs a random plot point, the budget for sports has been cut to the point that Tori’s field hockey team can’t afford uniforms, and Slater says the football team is using fat nerds as tackling dummies because violence against people who are different is okay when money is tight. Gee, I hope nothing happens in like the next three minutes to superficially address this crisis that I’m not buying for a second.
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Tori transfers into Mr. Tewsberry’s industrial arts class because she’s a manly woman and sucks at home ec. Seriously, I can’t figure out the point of this scene except to make sure Tori’s in the same room when Mr. Belding comes in to offer a solution to all their sports funding related needs.
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Oh, and there’s Mr. Belding now, coming around to individual class rooms in order to randomly inform us that a wealthy alumni of Bayside who invented the elastic band on underwear died and left the school $10,000 in his will to be spent on superficial stuff that will soon be forgotten about next year when The New Class needs to start recycling story lines. Yeah, you read that right. The writers were just biding their time and collecting a few more paychecks at this point, weren’t they? Mr. Belding says students will get to vote on suggestions on what to do with the money in the gym tomorrow.
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And, through the magic of jump cuts, it’s the gym tomorrow! Oh, Saved by the Bell, if the pace of your storytelling were the speed limit, it would be the Autobahn.
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Screech, being the resident moron, drops lots of bugs everywhere, causing the students to scream and scatter and giving Mr. Belding a vision of what the worst six years of his life will be like. After that idiocy is over, we get some stereotypical bullshit about the boys and girls arguing about whose sports are more important and how they each want the money to go towards their gender of sports because penis and vagina and shit. Yeah, it’s stupid and makes no sense, so of course it’s a Saved by the Bell plot.
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Instead of doing his job and actually forming an ad hoc committee of faculty to decide how to spend the money since the students are acting like rejects of the Jackie Gleason School of Misogyny, Mr. Belding decides the best way to decide is a boys verses girls competition. Also, this is the best way to pad out the running time. In the first competition, each team must use clues to find puzzle pieces and solve a riddle.
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The boys fall behind when the first puzzle piece is hidden in Screech’s locker and the stupid asshole can’t remember his own combination. Slater gets tired of this shit and uses Henry Winkler magic to open the locker, revealing Screech has been homeless all this time and living in the school. I guess his parents must be so ashamed they raised someone with the IQ of a piece of dust and disinherited him.
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So both teams have all their puzzle pieces, but Ginger’s jealous that people think Screech is the biggest dumb ass on the show, so she guesses the solution to their puzzle is, “Be true to your Little House on the Prairie.” Please, can this be the episode where Pa Ingles goes mad and slaps the shit out of a bunch of idiots in a Los Angeles area school?
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Well, since the girls are acting dumber than a room full of Screeches, the boys figure out the solution to their puzzle is “Honor thy principal.” So, with that stupid little scenario done, the boys lead going into round two.
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So round two is putting together a corroborator for some reason, because apparently everyone in the Saved by the Bell universe knows how to put random car parts together. Not to worry, though, for Tori uses her lesbian powers to beat Slater at putting the corroborator together. The teams are tied going into round three.
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Round three is baking a pineapple upside down cake. Luckily, Zack Morris randomly decides to cheat and switches the knobs on the girls’ oven.
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While the boys have a perfect pineapple upside down cake, the girls have something resembling an oil spill. The boys win and get to choose how to spend $10,000.
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At The Max, the girls sit around the burnt cake and try to figure out what went wrong.
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We need to move the plot along, though, so Screech randomly comes in with the fake oven knob and tells the girls how the boys switched the knobs. Tori decides this is her big chance and tells the girls they’re going to get revenge on the boys.
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Tori’s big revenge involves all the girls turning down the boys for dates, which sends Slater into shock that he’s being turned down by random girls.
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Tori tells the boys that, until they tell Mr. Belding the truth, Bayside’s going gay and Tori will somehow make it through these tough times with the help of her good friend Lisa and some hot high school experimentation. Oh, sounds like a hot fanfic waiting to happen!
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You have got to be fucking kidding me. An “Inheritance Dance.” How many dances does this school have? Does everything just merit a dance? In a few years is The New Class going to have a “Little Zack Took His First Poo on the Big Boy Potty” dance? Or maybe that will be the “Screech Took His First Poo on the Big Boy Potty” dance.
vlcsnap-2015-04-30-20h20m52s188 Anyway, the boys are in heat over the hot lesbian action going on just across the gym, so they send Zack Morris over to see if they can get in on that hot scissoring action. Seriously, I think the writers were too idiotic to realize the sexual implications of this episode. That, combined with Leanna Creel’s real life sexuality just makes this whole scene hilarious for reasons a Peter Engel show would never intend.
Anyway, Tori and Lisa tells Zack Morris they’re getting used to eating fish so he can just fuck off until he tells the truth.
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Mr. Belding prepares to give Zack Morris a check for $10,000…
Wait…after five years of Zack Morris hijinks, you’re just going to give him a check for $10,000? It’s official. Incompetence is rewarded in this franchise. I’m surprised Zack Morris isn’t making plans for a trip to Hawaii or some shit. Maybe that’s how they really got to go and not because of Kelly’s family…
Yeah, Zack Morris feels guilty and tells the truth. Tori says the girls can’t accept the check because they don’t know who really would have won the third round so Mr. Belding asks her to suggest a final competition.
vlcsnap-2015-04-30-20h24m14s170And, yeah, we’re going with fucking limbo because we needed one more ridiculous thing to finish out what has been a really stupid episode. Tori’s the last one standing which means girls’ sports get the money, and our episode ends with Tori wishing she didn’t have to like Zack Morris again so she could keep going after some of that sweet Lisa ass.
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