|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Jul 16, 2015 4:53:33 GMT
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Episode 30: The Rockstar
Get pumped, cause today we're in uncharted territories. We're doing something we haven't done since the beginning of the series. That's right, it's a Jason centered episode. No seriously, how often have we honestly focused on Jason at all? Last week we got to see some of his feelings on being a leader and how that can weigh heavy on a person.
This week however, the gang is headed on a "field trip" that Jason isn't tagging along for. They call it a field trip but really it's just the rest of the Rangers tossing shit into the RADBUG. Jason informs them he'd love to come with, but he has to spend some time with his little cousin Jeremy while he's in town. Oh nevermind, I guess this Jason episode is going to be focused on everyone's new favorite character Jeremy.
Trini comes running up to give the rest of the Rangers some brownies she cooked, but Kim thinks they taste like hot garbage. In a scene that could only come from the 90's, Trini informs the rest of her friends this recipe came from her gourmet cooking class, and it has snails in it. The rest of the Ranger Teens throw her horseshit cooking away while she's not looking, and silently regret ever allowing her to be part of their team.
Before I neglect to mention it, Tommy isn't with the group right now and won't be appearing in this episode. It's pretty weird because they don't offer any explanation as to where he is or say he's busy studying or training or what have you. Maybe the writers just got sick of making reasons for him to be unable to join the fight so they didn't feel like making up a new one. Or they blew their Jason David Frank money on hiring Quagmire's actor last week and had to split the difference.
The Ranger Teens leave Jason behind and drive off, while Squatt watches them drive from behind some bushes. Apparently the Rangers don't notice him, because a fat blue hobgoblin standing half covered by some leaves isn't going to stand out much while you drive down a long stretch of road. Squatt goes back to the Moon Palace to ask Rita what her plan is today, and she tells him to shut up and stop going to Earth to eat rats.
The next thing we see is Bulk and Skull enjoying themselves on a beach in the middle of nowhere while they have some ridiculous ceremony with a pizza. Skull makes noises like they're clanging a bell, as Bulk pulls up a piece of pizza and espouses the beauty of the sloppy joe pizza. What follows is a Caligula-esque pizza eating that I'd feel remiss for not showing you. Please forgive me.
Drinking pizza This looks how vomiting feels
Bulk sees Jason and asks who the kid he's banging is, because the best time to insult someone is when you have your face coated in pizza ooze. Cousin Jeremy asks if this is the famous bully he's heard so much about, as Jason has been calling Jeremy night after night, sobbing about how bad Bulk has been hurting his feelings. Skull laughs as Jason makes fun of the fact he's a big fat slob, so Bulk shoves pizza in Skull's stupid face and knocks him off the bench they're sitting on.
Bulk then gets up to teach Jason not to fuck with a man covered in pizza, and tries to do some humiliating attempt at karate. Jeremy informs Jason to watch out for the remnants of Bulk's pizza that's been left lying on the ground. As you might guess if you haven't been lobotomized recently, Bulk ends up stupidly landing face first on his pizza after making an ass of himself. This ranks quite low on the "Bulk Mess Scale ™" since we just saw him guzzling a pizza funnel. Who cares if he accidentally got some on his face?
The grossest part is all the dust he got on that perfectly good pizza!
Jason takes Jeremy out to do a bit of fishing, and we get another riveting round of "Why Was This Actor Dubbed?" Because Jeremy is being voiced by a voice actor by the name of Brianne Siddall. She'd go on to do a lot more voices in Power Rangers but right now she's pretending to be a 13 year old kid. How the fuck do you hire an actor whose performance is so bad that you have to hire someone else to dub them over? Doesn't that make things more complicated?
Dubbed or not, Jason watches Jeremy do a bit of martial arts on the beach before fishing, as is customary for a character who has nothing else in his life. Jeremy stutters out a demand for Jason to teach him a cool move. Jason tries to teach his cousin some karate, but it appears his actor is unable to speak OR perform sweet karate kicks. Jeremy falls over into the sand, but Jason tells him a tale.
When he was young, Jason had a lot of trouble with self confidence, but martial arts helped him hone his skills and feel better about himself. God almighty, more character development? Two weeks in a row? You're spoiling me Power Rangers. Jason's as blank a slate as this show has, and it's full of them. The bar's incredibly low for advancing a character, but you take what you can get.
Rita screams about Jason being on the beach because she thought all the Rangers were out of town. This actually works out pretty well, Rita employing some level of logic into her search for this mirror. She waits for the Ranger Teens to lower their guard and then strikes when she has a chance to trip them up. It's a lot more clever than just making a plan off the cuff and being shocked when it gets foiled. Rita sends some Putties down to fight Jeremy and Jason, hoping this will be the one time they're able to beat an enemy.
The Putties attack both young men, and Jason tells Jeremy to stay behind him and watch his back. We get a sandy fight between the Putties and the Jeremy/Jason duo. Jeremy is totally defensive and avoids the Putties, but Jason completely shithouses them as per usual. The Putties vanish, as Jeremy neglects asking his cousin why he recognized those monsters by name and how he was able to effortlessly demolish them.
Jeremy and Jason finally get a start on their long awaited fishing, as they sit atop some rocks and kick their feet up. The show paints an inaccurate picture of the fishing process, as Jeremy finds something within 15 seconds, and doesn't spend 4 hours sitting there bored out of his goddamned mind while Grandpa recants the glory of war and separate water fountains. Jeremy reels in a bottle which he exclaims is, "weird". Jason sadly doesn't give his cousin a preachy speech about how nothing good could be inside that bottle and how alcohol will destroy his shitty life, but instead tells him to open it immediately and see what's inside.
It was fireflies!
Jason hops off the rocks after telling Jeremy to hide from the shitty particle effects that sprayed out of the bottle. Hidden from sight, Jason calls Zordon and asks what the fuck's going on. Zordon tells Jason to take that chickenshit little cousin of his and get out of dodge pronto.
Jason heads back up and asks Jeremy if he's okay after that giant earthquake that just unleashed hell upon the planet. Jeremy says that terrifying event was actually a great way to start off his vacation. Oh good, he's one of those characters. One who's put in danger but then gets excited by it and acts like it's the coolest thing ever. Gag me.
Inside of the bottle is, what else, a map to the Mirror of Destruction. Rita recounts that the Mirror of Destruction will be able to destroy the Rangers as soon as they look into it. We see a flashback of the mirror being used on what must have been a prototype Power Ranger.
Pop Quiz: Why is this so funny?
Rita sends Scorpina down to Earth so she can retrieve the map from Jeremy. Scorpina brings Squatt and Baboo with her, that way if she fails her mission she can use them as scapegoats. Scorpina spies her prey and busts out a new trick; she snaps her fingers which prompts a group of boulders to roll together. The boulders all stack together to form a big hulking idiot of a monster named "Rockstar."
He looks like a grandpa made out of rocks.
Jason tells Jeremy to run, as Scorpina summons a batch of Putties. Scorpina tells Jason he's going to get what's coming to him fighting the Putties, then the scene awkwardly shifts to Rockstar and she commands the monster to attack. The editor must realize how superfluous these Putty scenes are and is cutting them out prematurely! Rockstar launches a bunch of stones from his cannon-like gut, which knock Jason over and cling to him while pinning him down. All things considered this is only the second worst Rocky experience for the Red Ranger.
Zordon buzzes the rest of the Rangers and tells them to stop fucking vacationing and get to "the beach." It's California Zordon, you're going to need to be more specific. The Ranger Teens teleport to "Vague Beach" and see Jason On the Rocks. Trini and Zack come to Jason's aid, and help him get his rocks off. Jason tells his team they need to look for Jeremy, while adorably pronouncing it "Germy" because y'know, this is Power Rangers acting. Nobody's calling cut until someone breaks their neck.
The Rangers arbitrarily teleport from their position on the beach, to a forest in the middle of God knows where as they look for Germy. Zordon calls them after a solid 6 seconds of looking and tells them they need to go fight Scorpina at the Beach Club. Billy hears that they have to fight and immediately runs off while saying he'll look for Germy. The Rangers morph and fight a group of Putties near a pool. While this episode is incredibly bland, it has a few worthwhile moments.
Putty Pool Get that SHIT out of here
Kimberly tries shooting arrows at Scorpina with her Power Bow, but the villainess deflects them and slashes the Pink Ranger out of the sky. Jason tries his luck against her, and begins locking swords with Scorpina. Is this to keep her away from Germy? Is she endangering civilians? Nah we just need a fight scene. Whatever.
Zack and Trini try assaulting the Rockstar with their Power Weapons, but he beats the everloving shit out of them. It's not even a fair fight. For someone introduced with as little fanfare as the Rockstar he's really not taking any guff. Zack and Trini are in big trouble, such trouble that one of the pool patrons is beckoning to them!
Sir we're filming a fight with a rock monster. We're going to have to ask you to leave.
Rockstar launches more boulders out of his gut that weigh Zack and Trini down to the ground. Rockstar pretty awesomely kicks them into the pool, where they'll probably drown with those static cling boulders glued to their tummies. Squatt and Baboo tell Scorpina some Japanese guy was falling down in the background, and also they lost the kid with the map. Scorpina takes her crew and runs off while Trini and Zack try and dog paddle out of the pool. Not the easiest thing in the world with a boulder stuck to your stomach, believe you me.
Germy runs away from a small group of Putties who are searching for him and the map, because Squatt and Baboo can't possibly be asked to do it. Before we can do anything more with the map situation, Scorpina tracks down Kim and Jason and sics more Putties on them. Wait hold on a sec, they were just looking for the kid, now she's "found" the non rocked Rangers she ran away from not half a minute ago? Scorpina mouths some instructions to Squatt and Baboo, but because the crew forgot to dub her over she doesn't say anything. The idiot duo run off, really being creeped out by Scorpina's ventriloquist trick.
Kim and Jason arbitrarily fight more Putties by the waves crashing against the rocks. Don't get me wrong, this is a nice set-piece, but this is also the third goddamn Putty fight this episode. The Rockstar is acting more like he's some general of their army and cackling to himself. Get in the fight you lazy pile a' shit! Rockstar finally does get back in on the action and launches some boulders at Kim and Jason, pinning them to the ground. All of the five core Rangers aside from Billy are now out of the fight, so either the Blue Ranger will save the day, or we call Tommy. Hope you guys have the Green Ranger on speed dial.
Germy tricks the Putties by throwing a rock at some bushes, which says less of his cunning abilities and more how stupid the Putties are. The young boy follows the map which instructs him to take 6 giant steps forward. What kind of fucking Dora the Explorer map is this? Giant steps? Does he have to tiptoe through the mulberries too? Who cares, he finds the stupid mirror or whatever. Whoopee.
It looks like a clam with teeth.
A single Putty comes down to see the mirror he's supposed to steal getting manhandled by some punk kid. The Putty starts trying to fight with Germy and actually beats him to the ground. Before he becomes Putty chow, Germy opens up the mirror and it unleashes a gigantic laser that blasts the Putty into chunks. Wow it can destroy a Putty, this thing must be a weapon of untold mayhem.
Scorpina and Rockstar take notice of the giant death beam that came from out in the woods. Note that both of them are clearly on the beach when this happens. Not 5 seconds later, a massive shadow covers Germy. The owner of this shadow is none other than the Rockstar, holding a boulder ready to smash Germy!
Jason's cousin has the dullest of dull surprises as he utters a nonchalant "yikes", and then fires a beam from the mirror at the Rockstar. Even though Germy is laying in the forest, we see Rockstar is still on the beach, though he's supposed to be right next to the kid. It looks so ridiculous but it doesn't even compare to the most ridiculous scene of all. Ladies and gentlemen, this is what happens when the Mirror of Destruction hits the Rockstar.
Rockstar exploding Seamless
Now that Germy has murdered the Monster of the Day, he looks at the mirror as smug as can be and says "This thing's too hot to handle." It's a horribly dubbed delivery that doesn't match what the line is supposed to convey or the emotion the actor is portraying. What doesn't help matters is Germy's next course of action is to inexplicably chuck the fucking mirror into the distance. What the actual fuck? What was the point of him finding the mirror? What a waste of my goddamned time.
Somehow Germy managed to throw the mirror all the way to the beach where Scorpina is, so she charges forward to grab it. Billy, Trini, and Zack come out of nowhere and blast her with their Blade Blasters, and the Rangers pose ready to attack her. Scorpina has a fun little fight with all five Power Rangers, but it's all too brief as Kim grabs the Mirror of Destruction. She tries to leap over Scorpina with the mirror but gets slashed out of the air by Scorpina's blade, as Rita's general gleefully grabs the mirror from her. What did you really think was going to happen there Kim?
Rita makes Scorpina grow now that she's got her hands on the mirror, all while Germy watches from far away. You're the reason she has it you little dick, hope you're happy. Guess she didn't think it was too hot to handle eh? Idiot.
The Rangers call forth the Megazord to fight Scorpina, who opens the Mirror of Destruction in front of their Zord. Since the Megazord is unable to move in anything but a straight line, it has a tough fight trying to dodge its reflection. Why does the Megazord have the cognitive abilities of a dog? Just don't look in the mirror, duck down and punch Scorpina in her Scorplabia.
Goldar shows up out of nowhere, already having grown to giant size. Scorpina distracts the Megazord, while Goldar slashes at it with his sword and taunting the Megazord with a growly "SUCKA!" It loses a lot without hearing it, but just take my word for it. I wouldn't ask you to go out of your way to watch this episode.
Goldar grabs the Megazord by its arm, and holds it still in front of Scorpina who opens the mirror. The Megazord tries to divert its eyes like it caught its parents fucking, but Scorpina comes closer with the mirror. Megazord pulls out its trump card; it stomps on Goldar's foot and throws him in front of the mirror. Scorpina doesn't want to lose her man candy, so she tosses the Mirror of Destruction into the air. Could anyone who gets this mirror hold onto it for more than three minutes? Jesus.
She only threw the mirror so he wouldn't realize how ugly he really is.
So the ugly scorpion thing throws a mirror and the Rangers are in control. The Megazord calls for the Power Sword, and in a thrilling conclusion the mighty robot is able to destroy the inanimate object as it flies through the air. Scorpina and Goldar puss out and run away, but they aren't too worried. Rita isn't going to nag her only competent soldiers. The Rangers then regroup on the beach while Zordon tells them they did a good job breaking that mirror, also that 7 years will pass in no time. Germy shows up and introduces himself to the Power Rangers, then asks where the Blue Ranger went for half the episode.
Thanks to the convenient commercial break, we get to cut back to the Juice Bar where Germy is bragging about how he beat a Putty. Big deal dork, who hasn't? Sit down and drink your milkshake. But no, we get to keep hearing more about everything this dumb tween saw today, as he describes scenes we watched five minutes ago. He also talks about the part where Rockstar kicked Black and Yellow into a pool, which he couldn't have possibly seen because he was hiding from Putties at the time.
Germy asks where Jason was during the fight, and Jason stutters and offers no answer but "I have to go do something else." Then the episode is over. Way to limp to the finish line guys. You promise me an episode about Jason, but instead we have to focus on nothing but Germy the Wonder Kid throwing mirrors. Then they don't know how to end the episode so they just summarize all the shit you just saw. Get fucked.
Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Sloppy Joe Pizza
Personal Thoughts
Man, I got so excited rewatching this episode because I remembered not liking it as a kid. I thought that with age I'd grow fonder and enjoy it for what it is. Nope. This episode still does so little for me. We get the tiniest glimmer of character for Jason, but then ditch him to hang out with his shitty beach bum cousin. We get introduced to the Rockstar who seems really imposing, but then he just stands around as Scorpina's muscle.
I don't know why, but as a kid I was really excited by the Rockstar. He seemed like such a cool burly monster, and I thought he was going to give the Zords a tough fight for sure. The Mirror of Destruction was such an afterthought to me, that when Germy used it to blow him up I was actually taken aback. It's such an underwhelming end to a monster I was astounded. I had all these aspirations of the Ultrazord needing to be used to finish him off, but then he just gets laser blasted by a mirror. I was crestfallen.
Power Rangers couldn't have done much else with this though. You have footage of Scorpina and Goldar fighting while holding a mirror, and a rock monster exploding. You do what you have to, but man nobody is remembering this shit fondly. It breaks the mold yes. It isn't just "Monster is beaten, monster grows, monster is beaten again." That doesn't make it good however, because it takes so much cutting around to get to the mirror that I've completely checked out by the time it's found.
Oh yeah the guy in the background of that shot? That's the Japanese Blue Ranger. It's amazing that they didn't take the time to just reshoot the scenes of Yellow and Black in danger. You don't need the Rockstar costume which they apparently didn't have anyway. Just film a scene of the two Rangers with big fake rocks on their stomachs backing away from something off screen. Is that so hard?
I was taught to always end on a strong note. So one more time let's take a look at the Rockstar's final moment.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Jul 16, 2015 4:54:20 GMT
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Episode 31: Calamity Kimberly
We've all had one of those days where you wake up and you wish the apocalypse had happened overnight. When the alarm's blaring shitty Christian rock and you feel like you just woke up from a hard night of drinking bleach. Well today, Kimberly has just fucking had enough. Somehow even on her worst day she's still adorable though.
Dat POUT tho.
She clearly slept like trash, she falls out of bed, her outfit in the closet's been burned, and the pièce de résistance is that Kim's hair looks TERRIBLE! What's a 90's Barbie doll stereotype to do when your hair's a mess? She looks in the mirror and gasps to see how bad it looks, and if the production company wasn't so cheap you know they would have played the Psycho violins.
After setting the mirror down, Kim looks out her window to see it's at least going to be a nice sunny day out today. Immediately after she closes her blinds, some guy on the roof starts spraying a hose on her window and playing dime store thunder sound effects. Kim becomes livid that her life is nothing but a shitty sitcom when suddenly an earthquake hits for 3 seconds to knock the mirror off of her bed and shatter it. Kim bemoans that she now has 7 years bad luck, and compounding with the mirror she broke last week, now she's got 49 years she doesn't get to look forward to. Give or take a black cat crossing her path.
So we've got the plot set in motion, Kim's having a bad day and she's still a valley girl. Things clearly aren't going her way, but this is the least of her concerns. Look at what else Kim has to deal with in her day to day life.
Squatt disgusting Where's his other hand? WHERE'S HIS OTHER HAND
UGH. Holy shit. I'm no longer making jokes about Squatt being an obese goblin shaped pedophile. I'm making sincere astute statements about how goddamned creepy he is. Nobody realized while filming the scene with the troll man giggling outside a high school girl's window while she was about to get dressed that it might be sort of disgusting?
Squatt goes up to the Moon Palace to tell his queen Rita that Kimberly's room smells really nice and next time he's going to pet her pretty hair until he breaks her neck. Rita commands Finster to make a monster for no other reason than the fact Kim is feeling a little blue. Usually they do a better job of writing around why Rita's calling forth a monster, but this is exceptionally half assed. Finster is full assing his monster making though, as he's created one of his meanest monsters yet. A creature known as the Samurai Fan Man; not only a ridiculous name, but an adequate way to describe me.
Samurai Fan Man My beard's a little bushier.
Kim gets into school soaking wet, not because of seeing Tommy but because her shitty umbrella broke on the way to school and this day totally sucks dicks. Kimberly tosses the umbrella in a recycling bin, successfully recreating the cycle of pollution she and Trini ended so long ago.
Tommy moseys up to Kimberly and asks why she looks so fucking hideous today. After complaining about how she's having a bad day for the 60th time in four minutes, Tommy pats her on the back and says it's going to be okay. He then dries his hand off on his shirt in what might be the only bit of non karate related physical acting Jason David Frank has ever done.
Bulk and Skull show up to harass Kimberly and boy do they get some zingers in. Skull laughs that Kim must have been serious when she said the reason she had to cancel their date was because she had to wash her hair. Kim informs him she would never date a loser like him, and Skull puts on a melodramatic show and says "My feelings are hurt." It's actually tragic if you read between the lines.
Skull's putting on some bullshit bully show and the girl of his dreams is telling him he's got a shrimpy dick. Skull puts up a brave face before going home and crying into his pillow about how lonely he is. All of this happens while a somber remix of the Bulk and Skull theme plays. Holy shit someone make this happen in that Power Rangers reboot they're doing.
Tommy calls the bullies banana brains which is when shit starts to go DOWN. As Bulk and Tommy begin to quarrel, a janitor conspicuously knocks over a bucket of water that Bulk is too stupid to notice spilled right behind him. Tommy throws him, he slides into the bucket, you knew what was going to happen why am I telling you this? Something more worth pointing out is this weird shot of Bulk where his face is sweaty for absolutely no reason. It's a comical amount of sweat on his face so you'd think it was for a joke, but he's just sweaty inexplicably. That or they filmed him after he got his face stuck in a bucket.
We did 58 takes and that was the best one.
With the bullies vanquished, Tommy says those two are so ridiculous they should get their own T.V. show. Yeah that'd be great, unless a bunch of goody two shoes whitebread losers interrupt them drinking pizzas and eating bugs. Tommy offers to walk Kim home and her response is that "anything could happen." Which is supposed to be a threat because of how bad her day's going, but sounds more like she'll blow him if he walks her home.
During the walk home Kim mentions to Tommy she had an awful dream where Rita was her new stepmother. This is a kind of cool little moment that probably doesn't mean shit to you little kids today, but Kim's parents are divorced? Yeah they are, and it's referred to in a throwaway line. Kim's got four parents and we're not going to make a big 90's deal about it where Tommy asks "WAIT A MINUTE KIM, WHAT'S A STEPMOM?!" and we get a horribly awkward scene of her describing her family life. They're split up, that's a thing, now shut up.
While Rita may not be her new stepmom, Kim meets her new stepdad in the park, the Samurai Fan Man. He threatens Tommy and Kim from off screen while he opens up a massive bottle attached to his hip. The bottle unleashes a flurry of terrible looking yellow wind effects on the two teens, as they cry out for each other. Inexplicably Tommy seems to get knocked out by the wind and falls to the ground, while Kim vanishes and reappears inside the monster's bottle.
Fan Man's been using that thing as a spittoon.
Zordon brings the other Ranger Teens to the Command Center to tell them that two of their friends are probably going to die thanks to a fat man with a bottle. He brings the unconscious Tommy inside the Command Center onto a plain looking black couch. Zordon has all this high tech gadgetry and the best he can do for a concussion is a loveseat. Enjoy your internal bleeding Tommy, we have a fat samurai to fight.
Zordon shows the Rangers Kimberly's current predicament and informs them she's trapped inside of another dimension. A what? She's just inside of a fucking bottle Zordon, what are you going on about now? Are you making this up to make her feel better? So her team doesn't make her feel even worse for getting caught in a mason jar?
Jason promises the Rangers will beat the Samurai Fan Man, and kick him into another dimension. What the fuck are you people blathering about dimensions for? Whatever, it's the closest any of these characters are getting to being multi-dimensional.
Zack, Billy, Trini, and Jason morph to fight Rita's monster, when the rest of her legion of creeps shows up. Goldar fights the Power Rangers while Fan Man stands off to the side and lets the bloodflow get back into his knees before he starts fighting. Jason decides to involve the monster personally and leaps at him with the Power Sword. Since the Fan Man's a big goober all he does is shove Jason aside while belching out generic taunts.
The Rangers try to charge Fan Man but Zack tells them to chill their heels before they make a fatal mistake. The Black Ranger informs them not to hit the bottle, or else it'll end the same way it did when his uncle hit the bottle; a wife who takes the kids and disappears into another dimension. Trini immediately ignores all this advice and charges the monster who coldcocks her. No fancy tricks or special weapons, just knocks her flat on her ass. Now that we're halfway through the episode, the Samurai Fan Man decides to finally show off his Samurai Fan, man.
He's blowing them into the low income housing district of Angel Grove
The Rangers get launched into the distance by Fan Man and begin to fall into a distant black void. Alpha 5 redirects their path into the Command Center where the four Rangers flop to the ground. Zordon tells them they fucked up that whole fight real bad and Alpha informs the Rangers they were almost trapped in another dimension. Holy shit are we still doing this? Where is all this dimension garbage coming from today? The writers must have been confused what show they were working on and assumed they had to make ridiculous explanations for every dumbass thing that happens in this episode.
The Rangers ask how they can possibly beat the Samurai Fan Man since he beat them once, and no monster has ever managed to do that before. Zordon, honest to goodness, tells them to use their Zords to beat the monster. Where would we be without you Zordon? The rest of the Rangers complain they'll need Tommy and the Dragonzord's help, because without Kimberly's Dinozord the Megazord wouldn't have a shield over its chest, rendering it completely inoperable.
Zordon tracks Rita's cronies at what he refers to as the "Putty Bowl Restaurant." It has a group of Putties in yellow vests serving the monsters food and drinks in a little outside cafe area. It serves as one of the weirdest fucking things that we see for only 4 seconds on the Viewing Globe and is such a ridiculous concept that leaves so many unanswered questions. Is Finster creating Putties who can only serve food? Why are they wearing adorable little vests? Are the Putties cool with getting paid minimum wage? How does the Samurai Fan Man tip?
Doesn't matter what job you give 'em, a Putty ain't wearin' pants.
Squatt peeks into the bottle, having gotten a taste for spying on Kimberly. He then shakes it all around because he's a crazy mongoloid who has no idea how to treat living creatures. Suddenly the other four Rangers show up at the Restaurant since they're in the mood for some appetizers. We even get to see how they got to the fight so fast! A bunch of toys the editors couldn't cut around so now they're just there without explanation.
Battle Bikes The Triceratops Cycle not having its horns be the handlebars hurts me deeply.
Samurai Fan Man busts out a rake and starts beating the shit out of the rangers. This is the second monster in the season to use a rake as a weapon so far, but he's a lot more intimidating than the last one.The Rangers are left completely at the monster's mercy as Rita makes Fan Man and Goldar grow. Our heroes call on their incomplete Zord team to try and take on the two monsters. The rest of the Zord fight is spent praying that the Triceratops Dinozord's flimsy horns can somehow murder a fat man holding a gourd.
The Triceratops and Saber Tooth Tiger Dinozords blast Fan Man while T-Rex fights Goldar one on one. That's what happens when only one of your Zords is giant size Zordon. Thanks for nothing. The fight goes miserably as Goldar blasts the three mini Dinozords, and Fan Man just stands there not having been damaged once. Billy uses his massive intellect to tell the other Rangers none of this shit is working and they need the fucking Dragonzord in here to beat some ass.
As if on cue, Tommy wakes up inside of the Command Center while complaining about having a headache. He also complains about mild hemorrhaging but the other Rangers are in trouble! He needs to go help out! Tommy morphs to the fight and summons the Dragonzord to help out. Jason makes some use out of the other Dinozords by combining them to make the Dragonzord in Battle Mode to fight Samurai Fan Man. Jason continues to fight Goldar in the Tyrannosaurus Dinozord because Rita's lackey has such a piss poor winning streak by now they may actually be able to kill him with one Zord.
The Dragonzord in Battle Mode knocks Samurai Fan Man's stupid rake right out of his hands and gives him a glorious punch to the face. The Fan Man isn't down yet though, he's got even stupider ways to combat the Rangers!
Dragonzord is looking a little less impressive lately.
The Dragonzord is somehow not defeated by safety pins, and whips out its drill staff and stabs at the Fan Man's bottle. Might want to be careful not to gore Kimberly while she's in there, but it seems to work! The bottle falls off his hip, uncorks, and releases Kim from her prison. She morphs immediately and boards her Dinozord. Good call! Now we can use your Zord as a chestpiece. That's the only validation you get Kim, to get kidnapped and hit by giant Samurai monsters.
Jason unassembles the Dragonzord in Battle Mode to form the Megazord while calling for "Ultrazord Mode." Spoilers you piece of shit! I don't want my finishing moves telegraphed for me, you gotta surprise me with that. The Samurai Fan Man busts out another weapon, his "Samurai Lance" which he promises will knock the Power Rangers into another galaxy. What it can't knock them into another dimension? You're slacking on your arsenal Fan Man.
Megazord summons the Power Sword to take on the Fan Man while Dragonzord battles Goldar. It's actually a nice little bout between the monsters and the Zords. Megazord uses the Power Sword to break the Fan Man's lance, so he busts out his titular fan. He uses it to blow the Megazord and Dragonzord into a mountainside, presumably somewhere in another dimension.
The Rangers realize they've been completely curbstomped by these idiots and call forward Titanus and form the Ultrazord, just as Jason ruined for us a moment ago. The Samurai Fan Man gets blasted by the Ultrazord's finishing move, and explodes. May his remains rest well in the next dimension.
All that Ultrazord fire for two explosions?
Back in Billy's garage, the Rangers gather around and watch a news clip of some crusty old white dude saying how great the Power Rangers are and how today they blew up a fat guy in red slacks. Kim walks in and doesn't look like a complete mess anymore, so Tommy informs her it looks like her day's getting better. Kim laughs about her day couldn't have gotten any worse, then as she turns up the volume on Billy's T.V. it explodes.
That's not really part of a bad day for Kim though is it? That sucks for Billy. It's not like he'd ever ask a pretty girl to do anything for him, he'd stutter and cum the second she looked at him. Is this supposed to be a precursor to next week's episode when it's Billy having bad luck? Can't wait till some guy traps Billy in a jar and the other Ranger Teens promptly forget about him.
Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Dimensions
Personal Thoughts:
Before I talk conclude discussing the episode, I wanted to plug a little Christmas eve charity stream that fans of this blog might enjoy attending. It's hosted by my friend Phil of Noiseless Chatter fame. The stream will be this Wednesday at 8 PM Eastern time, and will host a plethora of horrible Christmas specials in addition to some original content.
Donations will also be held for the Trevor Project, a charity for at risk and suicidal LGBTQ teens. Donations are by no means mandatory, but if the spirit of giving strikes you then feel free! You're welcome no matter what. All the information will be available in advance on Noiseless Chatter and is summarized here. If you have time to attend we'd love for you to show up! I don't want to give too much away but fans of Power Rangers won't go away empty handed! Now back to the fat guy with the bottle.
For an episode that has a pretty basic premise, I actually like Calamity Kimberly quite a bit. It's cute to see Kimberly who's usually really put together feel like garbage. You see her out of her element which is nice, considering Kimberly is one of the few characters they give enough focus to that you can understand why she's so frustrated. The action in this episode is really good too. There's a lot of slugging it out with the monster and the Zord fight gets to show off a bunch of different formations against Samurai Fan Man. We even get Goldar thrown into the fight for a little extra fun.
There's a bit to say about Samurai Fan Man, aside from his goofy ass design. Fun Fact! His design is based on a character from Journey to the West known as the Golden Horned King, or Jīn Jiǎo. You might know Journey to the West as "that thing Dragonball was based on." Which is why Fan Man has a fan that was a plot point in some Dragonball episode, and his Samurai Lance looks exactly like a Power Pole. I haven't read enough Journey to the West to know if Jīn Jiǎo used a rake though.
Fan Man's suit wasn't available for filming in US footage, and this time I can actually explain WHY they didn't have the monster costume. Samurai Fan Man's costume was actually used for a "unique" costume in the next Sentai season, Gosei Sentai Dairanger. It was a nameless armored guard that showed up at the end of the season, but it's definitely him. Check out his big belly, dragon shoulder pads, and weird sumo loincloth around his waist. The only shame is that you lose his big goofy Muppet head.
Those motorcycles you see behind the Rangers during the Fan Man fight have been dubbed the "Battle Bikes" by toy catalogs and other promotional materials like coloring books and puzzles. Whatever they could slap the Rangers on really. The reason we never see the Battle Bikes in the show proper is because most of the footage that was used of them was of the unmorphed Zyurangers riding them.
They still sold toys of the cycles, but this is the only time they're clearly visible in the series. It's weird to me that they made toys out of something they didn't want to include with the Battle Bikes, but the Thunder Slingers that they made a big deal out of obtaining never had toys made.
Another thing that Power Rangers kept from the Japanese version was a shot of the four unmorphed Zyurangers falling down a pit after getting blown away by the Samurai Fan Man's fan. It's a total 'blink and you miss it' kind of shot, but it's pretty jarring since the Rangers are suddenly unmorphed, dressed in tribal clothing, and Zack is looking pretty pale.
The final note today is the couch Tommy is laying on proves a point I mentioned several months back in the episode Foul Play in the Sky. The prop couch that he's laying on was the exact same one you can briefly see in the Command Center that Kimberly was supposed to be laying on in the original script for that episode.
Funny enough that the prop that was deemed unusable for an episode because it featured Kim as a damsel in distress was reused in an episode that made her exactly that. That's the 90's for ya.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Jul 16, 2015 4:54:59 GMT
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Episode 32: A Star is Born
Today we get to have an episode that appears to focus on Tommy. We get to see what makes him tick, how he feels about things. He hasn't been the main focus of an episode for quite a while since his whole appeal is showing up halfway into a fight to help out. After all it would feel disjointed for him to be heavily involved in the plot then drop off a cliff when the fight starts. So what do we get to learn about Tommy today? He's going to be auditioning for a karate commercial because it'd be cool to be on T.V. Oh shoot I forgot, Tommy isn't a person. He's a karate action figure. If it ain't martial arts he don't give a fuck about it.
It was at this moment that Power Rangers made me laugh. It made me laugh hard. Bulk and Skull start to walk down the hall to trash talk Tommy, but this has nothing to do with my laughter. No, what I was laughing at was this.
Several 12 year olds drop the needles in their arms as they realize what they've been doing.
This is the funniest goddamn thing and it's only visible in a shot for about 3 seconds. It's one of the weirdest set dressing choices the crew could have made. This is a karate show for babies and fetuses, so why the fuck are you throwing around AIDS safety tips in your anti-drug posters? If this was a realistically portrayed High School then sure these sort of posters might make sense, but nobody is fucking or doing drugs in Angel Grove. Who on the staff thought this was the best possible time to grandstand and make a point about doing drugs? Well congrats Power Rangers you successfully managed to prevent the spread of AIDS.
Alright enough about AIDS, time to see Bulk and Skull. Skull is on a shitty 90's cell phone that looks like a Wiimote with an antenna on it demanding that he needs a limo for this acting audition. Whoever he was talking to hangs up because nobody, including characters that only exist off screen, will ever take these two idiots seriously. Bulk hopes that's going to change though because he's auditioning for the karate commercial too. Why is Bulk interested in this karate commercial? Is there a part in it the script for a sexual assault criminal that he'd be a shoe-in for?
Tommy shows off his karate moves to intimidate his obese nemesis and instead of a scene of Bulk embarrassing himself, he tells Skull he needs to "do some practice just in case." A great line but it leaves a disappointing taste in my mouth that we don't get to see Bulk look like an idiot. Thankfully this episode isn't over yet and so long as Bulk's in a scene there's a 500% chance he will look like an asshole at some point.
As for Rita she has had enough of this Power Rangers shit. She's nearly passed out and says she can't possibly make some stupid ass plan to fight the Power Rangers. Goldar says he's a spineless idiot and can't win without her help, but she tells him to lead the fight today without her. Goldar says he promises he'll attack the Earth with the worst monsters they've ever seen. Sorry Goldar, they already fought Ticklesneezer.
The rest of the Ranger Teens are enjoying a relaxing day at the beach while their green friend goes to do spin kicks in front of cameras. They aren't alone though, because Bulk and Skull show up to get Bulk a nice tan before the audition. Skull also mentions he's going to hire some guys to shove Bulk back into the ocean or blow him up with dynamite while they're at the beach. Whoever was filming the episode didn't seem to care the sun was already setting, so Bulk can just soak up some rays from the Moon instead.
Bulk walks up to Jason who is, of course, doing karate poses on the beach. Bulk starts making vaguely racist karate noises to show off to a man who is approximately one third his size. Bulk then saunters over to a spot on the beach where he lays down and demands Skull oil him up. The scene goes how you might expect.
Bulk lotion facial BRAZZERS
Skull sees he's out of lotion since he just ejaculated the last bottle on his best friends face. Skull must be awfully naive to think he only needed one bottle of lotion to lather up Bulk. The diminutive bully looks in his beach basket to find an acceptable substitute and fishes out a jar of "Timmy P's Real Mayonnaise" to slather all over Bulk.
The best part of this scene is not the big fat dude getting gooed up by mayo, but an old fashioned jingle that plays in the background for this fictional brand of mayonnaise. The reason it's so great is because it's the smallest amount of effort put into something to service a scene. They didn't need to make a fake song for mayonnaise but goddamnit they had an extra half hour in the studio and they're gonna use it.
Bulk mayonnaise For my foreign readers, this is what every day is like in America.
We cut to a comically sunburned Bulk talking trash to Tommy at the location for the audition. It's being held in Angel Grove High School, because the Youth Center was closed that day. Skull supports Bulk by slapping him on the back, and causing any human being who's ever had a sunburn to cringe as Bulk howls out in pain.
The casting director calls Bulk in to try out because it's been a long day and she could use a good laugh. The big sunburned mess says he'd be proud to show off his karate prowess, and humiliate the entire human race.
SIR THOSE ARE THE RESUMES OF REAL ACTORS, PLEASE LEAVE
Have you noticed for what seemed like a Tommy episode how much we've been talking about Bulk? This episode has been all about the bullies so far and honestly I'm having a lot of fun. Not because it's some intense character study nor should it be, but because it's funny to watch. These two are easily getting to be my favorite characters ever since they hacked apart Finster's screen time.
Oh right the rest of the Rangers are on the beach. Well they play a rousing game of volleyball, which includes them just knocking the ball around to each other while they stand in a circle since the prop department was too cheap to buy a net. Just before any of the Ranger Teens realize how depressing this whole scenario is, Scorpina shows up with a group of Putties to damper their day. The Teens morph and begin to combat Scorpina's gang when suddenly they end up combating the main lady herself. We ignore the fact Kim is clearly not with the rest of her friends when Scorpina busts out a little worm monster to spew silk all over the Rangers and catch them in a giant cocoon.
Borrowed from the set of Killer Klowns From Outer Space
The Rangers try to kick the shit out of the cocoon they're trapped inside of but it's sealed completely shut. They're unable to contact Zordon or teleport out either. A group of Putties soon nab the cocoon and hurl it down a cliff and into the sea. Alpha 5 takes notice of this and tells Zordon what's going on, and the giant head informs his robot slave to call Tommy since they can't count on the other five to figure this one out.
Unfortunately they've called Tommy a bit too late, because he's already gone in for his audition and left all of his stuff outside. There's no moment of tension of Tommy having to neglect this audition to save his friends, he just forgets to be a superhero for a couple minutes while his friends get sent onto Miss Scorpina's Wild Ride.
The casting director notes that Tommy's done a lot of martial arts, and he stops the show dead to tell her about how karate made him better at schoolwork and he has more self confidence now. The casting director asks him to stop giving preachy speeches and do some sweet fucking roundhouse kicks this instant. He obliges and gives the crew a show of some kickin' rad 90's karate. Everyone in the room is clearly amazed and that's been the focal point of conflict today. Tommy is good at karate but might not get cast, and Bulk is terrible at karate and thinks he will be cast. My knees are shaking guys who knows what might happen?
Alpha asks why the new guy isn't answering his goddamn phone, and Zordon says to keep trying to get through to him since he couldn't possibly be stupid enough to not have his Communicator on him at all times. We don't see what Tommy's up to after finishing his karate demo, but he clearly isn't too concerned. He shouldn't be too scared though, his friends seem like they're having a great time inside Scorpina's Transparent Pipe cocoon.
I loved playing in the cocoon in gym class
The Rangers realize Tommy isn't going to be able to bail them out this time and decide they should figure out a solution on their own for once. The Rangers remember that they have weapons that resemble toys they could be using and promptly pull out their Blade Blasters. The energy starts to blast through the cocoon to provide the Rangers an escape route.
Zordon tells Alpha he needs to teleport the Rangers into their Zords as soon as they escape so they can fight against the new creature Goldar has sent to Earth; Babe Ruthless, the baseball monster. Pack it in boys and girls, that's the best monster name we're getting all season.
You remind me of the babe
The Rangers get inside their Dinozords as Babe Ruthless, Scorpina, and Goldar all grow to wreak havoc on Angel Grove. The Dinozords neglect forming the Megazord so they can fight the three monsters without getting decimated. That's what I assume anyway, they don't form the Megazord and nobody really asks why. Goldar and Scorpina attack the Tyrannosaurus Dinozord while Babe takes on the Saber Tooth Tiger, Mastodon, and Triceratops Dinozords while saying something about baseball.
The other Rangers notice that Scorpina and Goldar have incapacitated Jason while they were getting attacked by a sasquatch with baseball gloves for hands. Ruthless laughs and then says something about baseball. For some reason we don't see Kim involved in any of these discussions or the Pterodactyl Dinozord. She was also missing in some of the shots when the Rangers got trapped in the cocoon earlier. Is she a little too busy to do this Ranger stuff lately? She must be dodging fights after the last one got her stuck in a giant bottle.
Tommy leaves the audition room to see he's missed 163 calls on his Communicator. Zordon tells him to get his dumb ass in gear and go fight a bunch of monsters in the city. Tommy morphs and summons the Dragonzord to knock away Goldar and Scorpina from Jason's Zord. With Tommy here, the Rangers call on the Dragonzord in Battle Mode to fight the monsters. Dragonzord takes on Goldar and Scorpina while the T-Rex combats Babe Ruthless. It's a nice shot of two fights occurring simultaneously; one in the background and one in the foreground. You can call this show cheap, but at least it goes for satisfying visuals.
Mmmmm
Babe Ruthless says something about baseball, then busts out some new tricks. He sprays pink mist at the Rangers that gets scattered by the Dragonzord's Power Staff, and he throws a giant red ball at the Zords which gets knocked back at him by the T-Rex's tail. Babe thinks he's still got a good chance though, as he says something about baseball and charges forward. The Dragonzord has a different approach in mind.
Babe Ruthless death Remember kids, if some bully throws a baseball at you, drill his fucking stomach open
After having brutally maimed a monster Zordon congratulates the Rangers on their successful violation of the Geneva Convention, and informs them Scorpina is back in the city. Billy weirdly makes a point to note she's probably back in HUMAN form. No shit Billy, she's always in human form when she's regular sized. The Rangers leap out of their Zords to challenge Scorpina who is indeed in HUMAN form. Her pet worm teleports out of her hand with red energy and instantly grows. If you thought Babe was ugly just look at this thing.
Weaveworm God him and his empty eye sockets. Gross.
The Rangers call on their Zords again to combat Weaveworm, but Kim warns Jason if he traps them again they might not be able to escape. Jason promises this won't happen and the Rangers call on Megazord. The Megazord fights with Weaveworm in a weird slowed down battle that consists of the Megazord punching a couple times and knocking Scorpina's worm onto its big gooey ass. Weaveworm then spews more goo at the Megazord and traps it inside another cocoon. What were you saying earlier Jason? Something about not getting trapped again? Oh well it probably wasn't important.
Weaveworm adorably dances around the cocoon while cheering for himself in a creepy mouth stitched shut kind of voice. Before the monster can do anything else, Tommy shows up and calls the Dragonzord back into action. Where the fuck did you go Tommy? Weren't you just helping them fight Babe Ruthless? Whatever the case, Dragonzord knocks Weaveworm away and drills the cocoon open. Jason calls for the Megadragonzord which disintegrates Weaveworm and leaves poor Scorpina without a pet.
That was the last Weaveworm in existence. Congrats to the Power Rangers for wiping out another species.
The destruction of Weaveworm appears to have awoken Rita, as the next scene is her screaming at her minions inside of the Moon Palace telling them never to take charge without her again. Goldar stammers about how it was all Finster's fault for making such lame monsters. So Finster made a monster that primarily served as a pet for Scorpina? Was she really lonely one day and needed a companion? Did Goldar make her send her pet to fight and die or was it created specifically for this plan? Goldar is a massive piece of shit if that's the case.
The next day at the Youth Center, the Ranger Teens watch T.V. where a newscaster announces that the Power Rangers killed some monsters and caused some property damage. I'm not shitting you, the newsman actually mentions that the Rangers caused property damage but no harm came to any civilians. Well thank goodness, wouldn't want some prissy Angel Grove socialite having one hair on their pretty little head harmed.
Bulk shows up awaiting the commercial that he knows will propel him into the Hollywood Pantheon. As the commercial comes on, we see footage of Bulk humiliating himself as the commercial says trying to learn martial arts on your own could make you look like this, and I quote, " bundle of blobbering blubber." Holy shit. That sentence even makes me feel bad. The rest of the commercial shows Tommy's skills and says what you could look like if you sign up at the Angel Grove Karate Center or wherever the fuck, but more important is how Bulk must be feeling.
Think of this from Bulk's perspective. You're told you got a part for a commercial, but it's just footage of you humiliating yourself broadcast on television to destroy your self esteem. It's a shame the episode is over before we get the scene of Bulk getting cut a six figure check in a defamation lawsuit against these producers. Then he falls down the steps of the courthouse right into a cake being delivered to a wedding.
Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Timmy P's Real Mayonnaise
Personal Thoughts
This episode happens to be one of my favorites. The plot's servicable with the commercial audition, and we get a nice wraparound of the Power Rangers fighting two unique monsters. It's really easygoing but it's also a lot of fun. It's one of the shortest episodes clocking in about a minute shorter than most, and there isn't a lot to say about it because so much of it was action. But no matter what I can't even explain to you how fucking pumped I was as a kid to see two monsters in one episode.
Why would they use footage of two perfectly good monsters in a single episode you must be asking yourself. Well it's because neither monster had enough usable footage from Sentai of the Rangers fighting the monster on the ground. Babe Ruthless was a little child during his ground fight and Weaveworm was almost always in his larva form in Scorpina's hand. The writers made a choice to combine the episodes Zord footage and it actually works out nicely and the idea of recycling Sentai monsters with little usable footage would become a popular trend in later seasons of Power Rangers.
Originally in the script, there was another monster by the name of Thornos who showed up in between Babe Ruthless and Weaveworm. Thornos would be another monster that had very little usable Sentai footage but Power Rangers decided to save Thornos for a later episode. The results were pretty mixed but we'll talk about that later.
The fight with Babe Ruthless actually comes from much earlier in Zyuranger than Weaveworm. Weaveworm coming from Episode 38 of Zyuranger and Ruthless coming from Episode 23. I mentioned in Itsy Bitsy Spider that the Dragonzord Battle Mode's debut fight just has it using its finishing move and not doing any actual fighting. The reason for that is because the Babe Ruthless fight was the original debut for Dragonzord in Battle Mode, but was cut to splice together in this episode.
According to the script for this episode, they were originally going to have Babe Ruthless explode when the Tyrannosaurus Dinozord knocked the big red ball back at him. This was probably an attempt to tone done the blatant violence of the Dragonzord in Battle Mode's finishing move, but it also sounds like such a bland way to end a fight. I can't even imagine how they would make that shit work. That moment might have actually soured me on the episode just because I wouldn't get to see some big idiot get drilled in the gut. Even as a kid I realized how brutal that scene is. I love it.
With regards to Weaveworm, the U.S. production staff actually had the monsters costume on hand. It's likely the reason Japan had the suit in such decent condition was how little fighting they had to film with it. The only proof of the U.S. crew having Weaveworm's costume is a promotional image of the Red Ranger fighting the monster. I'm afraid I don't still have the image of this, but if any of you eagle eyed fans out there might have it I'd love to post it. It's odd though that for an episode that had so little Sentai footage the crew didn't take some time to film unique scenes of Weaveworm.
The final note I want to make is what the hell was going on with Kimberly. In the initial scene of the Rangers getting caught in Weaveworm's cocoon, she's very clearly not with them in the Japanese footage. The production team tries to distract us from noticing this by hilariously dubbing in a line from Kimberly while she isn't actually there. Kim was also not involved in the Zord fight with Babe Ruthless aside from recycled shots of the Battle Mode cockpit. This is obviously all Sentai related stuff and not something they could fix without filming new shots.
Honestly this seems like such an easy fix when you write the script. Just say Kimberly went to watch Tommy's audition instead of acting like she's in fights that she isn't. I'd blame the script for this, but this episode probably assumed they would need Kimberly to be involved in the cut Thornos fight so it was too late to rewrite her hanging out with Tommy.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Jul 16, 2015 4:55:40 GMT
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Episode 33: The Yolk's On You
I think this week's episode is going to be the pinnacle of Power Rangers. Why? Well the episode starts with an establishing shot of Angel Grove High School. Immediately after that we cut to an interior shot of the Youth Center. The absolute first thing you see once this episode starts is a fuck up by the editor. At first it looked like they were trying to pass it off like the Youth Center set was an auditorium or some such thing, but then Tommy and Jason walk over to Ernie who's setting stuff up. It's a really small detail but the fact that it happens the first second of this episode lets me know we're in good hands.
Ernie is allowing Principal Caplan to hold a talent show in his Youth Center for all the goodie two shoes goons his school is filled with. Tommy and Jason are dressed in karate outfits because they don't have any other talents, but the rest of Angel Grove High School are practicing the things they're best at. Most of the people are practicing really obvious skills; A kid holding a skull doing Hamlet, a guy with a magician's cape, some guy playing a guitar. Then your eyes dart to the left side of the screen and you wonder what that girl's talent is supposed to be.
Maybe Goblin feet make ballet easier?
Ernie tells Tommy and Jason he's missing some props because some dime store children's show stole all of them to make a stuttering robot. Tommy then vomits out some exposition about how he left his and Jason's karate belts at home. Jason says it doesn't matter whatsoever and not to worry about it, but Tommy takes the issue very seriously and says they can't perform without their belts. A pretty apt metaphor for Tommy. If people don't know how good he is at karate there's nothing to him, so he better let everyone in that audience know that he worked damn hard to get this brown belt.
At the Moon Palace, we're greeted with a very pleasant sight to behold. It's Finster cooking up a monster! The poor guy's been getting shoved in the background lately so it's great to see him pop up again. Finster is putting an extra lot of care into today's monster because he's planning to give it to Rita as a birthday present. That's how good of a guy Finster is, make him into an indentured servant and he still gives you a present. Let's see what he's cooked up today.
Well....it's the thought that counts.
This is Fang, a monster who struts his stuff on Earth by running around and giggling in a Peter Lorre impression. Whoa, save that for the talent show Fang! Fang isn't the only maniac rampaging though, because Bulk and Skull are backstage at the talent show about to dig into a bowl of hard boiled eggs someone left behind. Mr. Caplan demands to know why the only two 30 year old students of Angel Grove High School are sneaking around backstage. The bullies are planning on putting on a musical act at the talent show. Bulk will be on guitar with Skull accompanying him on cymbals. I'm proud of the restraint the show had to not give Skull an electric triangle.
Rita notices Fang down on Earth and asks who dared do something without her giving the go ahead. Squatt and Baboo shock the audience by informing us they were NOT involved with this plan or anything else related to the plot. Rita realizes that the only member of her staff that could possibly do anything nice for her must have done this for her birthday, prompting Squatt and Baboo to give her an incredibly half assed "Happy birthday!" Rita tells them to shove it where it hurts and sends Goldar and the idiots to go help out Fang because he looks like he needs assistance. That's the nicest possible way Rita can say Finster's gift looks like a frog faced imbecile.
While Fang runs amok, Tommy runs through the woods spin kicking trees and muttering how pumped he is to perform karate in front of a bunch of freshmen. I was kidding before, but it's slowly becoming more and more true that all Tommy has in his life is karate. Also a passionate romance with Kimberly, but she knows if it's ever between her and the karate, she's out on her ass.
Rita notices Tommy and bellows at Finster that his first present wasn't good enough and now she wants him to work overtime to stop Tommy. Rita you are one ungrateful bitch you know that? Finster put his heart and soul into making some hideous frog creature and you just whine that Tommy's in the woods not being killed right now. You sure know how to look a gift monster in the mouth don't you lady?
Tommy is soon attacked by a platoon of Putties Finster lovingly made for his ungrateful hag of a boss. Since they're Putties they don't manage to put up a decent fight, but it's mostly because Tommy is wearing his karate belt and is thus invincible. Tommy shithouses all of the Putties but one, who manages to steal his Communicator. The Putty starts hightailing it out of the woods while blatantly leading Tommy into a trap. Tommy is a complete dunce and doesn't notice any of these telltale signs and succumbs to the Putty's fiendish trap.
THOSE FIENDS! His belt wasn't on straight, he was helpless!
While Tommy is yet again humiliated by Putties, Goldar takes Squatt and Baboo to Earth where they look around for Fang. Squatt whines about being hungry and Goldar tells him to shut up and stop talking about food every time he's on screen. Squatt's big fat prayers are answered when he finds a huge pair of eggs hidden behind the bushes.
Ignoring all of his cub scout training, Squatt immediately cracks open one of the eggs as Baboo grabs the other and does the same. Goldar stands idly by while checking his Blackberry to see if any good jobs have opened up out on Neptune. Inside the eggs is some disgusting looking ooze that Squatt devours like the fucked up glutton that he is. It looks like he's just pouring Nickelodeon Slime down his throat.
Squatt drinking eggs The secret slime action is: Being an obese waste of a character
Fang shows up and starts screaming at Rita's crew for eating those eggs. Those were some rare goony bird eggs that he was stashing away out by the mountainside. Fang is livid that Squatt and Baboo ate his lunch, but should be more mad at himself for being stupid enough to leave his meal out in the middle of nowhere. For once in this series someone has had enough of Squatt and Baboo's bullshit, as Fang threatens to rip all of them apart for eating his eggs. Yeah. That's the plot of this episode.
The bullies practice playing their instruments poorly as Billy walks in an-ahahahaha. Oh my god.
Billy what the fuck is you wearing? What's your talent? Reciting Jeff Foxworthy jokes? Plus one for you Power Rangers you didn't have Billy's talent being pouring beakers together, but what on god's green earth is he doing? Maybe Billy grew up on a farm. That would explain his hilarious overalls.
Oh right, Farmer Bill is asking where Tommy is. Kim asks if Tommy went to get those belts from Japan. She also asks if he's picking up the footage for them to dub over while he's there. Zack tells Kim that this is serious and Tommy could be in real danger. Why is Zack, the jokester, the one concerned for Tommy's safety while Kim is making light of it? Did they flip the lines in the script and nobody bothered to correct it?
Zordon calls the rest of the Power Rangers and tells them their idiot friend got caught in a net. He says Tommy will have to sit his pretty ass down and wait to be rescued though, because Rita's monster Fang is on the loose ready to destroy the Earth. That or he plans on beating the shit out of some people for eating his eggs. The Morphing Grid got a little fuzzy on those last few details.
The Rangers morph to fight with Fang only to find the monster preparing to attack Goldar, Squatt, and Baboo. Goldar points to the Power Rangers and informs Fang that they have all the goony bird eggs and he can have them if he attacks. Fang gets excited and charges at the Rangers because he's the most gullible dolt on the planet. Fang starts whining about wanting his precious eggs back while the Rangers try and fend him off with their Blade Blasters. It works about as well as every attempt at using the Blade Blasters as weapons ever does.
Rita's henchmen run into the scene as Baboo says if they don't leave he'll raise his voice at them. That's not a line I'm making up, Baboo actually says that. Even he knows how much of a joke he is. You and Squatt botched this whole mission Baboo what are you still doing here? Goldar commands Fang to finish off the Power Rangers by using his limitless power, and he obliges.
Finster didn't install lasers in Fang, just a sweet pitchin' arm.
Since flying rocks don't get the job done, Goldar blasts the Power Rangers with a stream of energy from his sword, knocking them off of the cliff side. A pretty impressive showing from Goldar since lately all he's been doing is watching baseball monsters get drilled in the guts and balking at his own reflection.
While the other Rangers are made to look like chumps, a pair of Putties are dicking around with Tommy's Morpher and Communicator out in the woods. Slowly I begin to cross my fingers hoping for a Putty to try using the Morpher to become the Green Ranger. He doesn't have to become a Power Ranger, just do the pose. Sadly Tommy has already begun escaping his rope cage so the Putties deaths are imminent. This never would have happened if you had tied that thing with a constrictor knot you gibbering clods.
The Moon Crew congratulates Goldar on throwing energy at teenagers, while Fang wanders off and mutters about how much he misses his eggs. Fang doesn't just mention it though, he actually takes the eggshells with him and sulks alone when the best moment in the entire episode happens.
In the arms of a Fangel
Just brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
Rita shows up on Earth and chuckles at the goony bird connoisseur's plight, because she doesn't seem to realize this crazed idiot is off his rocker and shouldn't be provoked. Fang violently yells at her before she tells him she's the answer to his ridiculous googley eyed prayers.
Rita reveals that her magic wand can bring Fang's eggs back together if he follows her orders. For a monster Finster made for her birthday, Fang is really showing he doesn't know the pecking order around here. Goldar had to coax him into fighting the Power Rangers and Rita has to promise to fix his eggs to make him do anything. Regardless, Fang agrees to do the thing he was created to do as Rita makes him grow. This also gives Fang some deadly upgrades!
Even Rita's strongest magic couldn't unlazy his eye.
The Rangers form Megazord to fight against giant Fang in his egg fueled rampage. Fang explicitly mentions that Rita said the Power Rangers have the eggs he wants while he starts blitzing the Megazord. Upon hearing this, Jason actually takes a moment to try and reason with this hideous frog faced loon that the Power Rangers are not known for their egg hoarding habits. Unless Chunky Chicken is involved. Then they're all business.
Fang doesn't hear out the Rangers and continues slashing at them with his newly extended claws and opened eyes. All of a sudden the Rangers stop the fight to look downwards, cut to Fang laughing, and then Jason commands them to continue the fight. We don't see what they're supposed to be looking at down there, but judging by Fang's gleeful laughter methinks those eggs are giving him a raging hard-on.
After some ferocious slashing and stabbing from his new claws, Fang has decimated the Megazord and left it flat on its ass. While Fang celebrates, Rita notices a dam nearby that she commands Fang to demolish. The Rangers begin to panic, having not noticed the city isn't in any real danger because the dam is actually the cheapest scale model money can buy.
They just took the Iron Man figure off the Lego set this came in.
Meanwhile, the two Putties who have Tommy captured are so busy dicking with his Morpher that they haven't noticed their captive has completely escaped their net. Tommy uses the hanging net to propel himself forward and kick the Putties in the back. He easily finishes both of them off since they forgot to bring a backup net, as he grabs his gear and morphs to the fight.
As Fang approaches the dam, Dragonzord arrives to block his path. The Dragonzord is successfully able to knock Fang back and prevent him from rambling about eggs again as the Megazord comes in for backup. Jason calls for the formation of the Dragonzord in Battle Mode. Dragonzord Battle Mode and Tyrannosaurus put up a respectable fight against Fang, but the blue monster gets right back up and blasts both of them with energy from his horns. It took you all fight to do it Fang, but you finally illustrated the most basic of monster skills. Kudos.
Jason realizes the episode's almost over so he calls for Titanus to summon the Ultrazord. Even though the Zords are in Dragonzord Battle Mode, the Megazord is formed almost instantly off screen because we've wasted too much time in this episode on Tommy being captured and discussions about fictional eggs. The Ultrazord is formed and blasts Fang with its barrage of energy blasts, causing him to explode with a yellow cyclone effect around him. Rest in Peace Fang. Maybe they serve goony bird eggs in Hell.
R.I.P. Shitty Catfish Thing
The Rangers hightail it back to the Youth Center in time for the Talent Show, where they have a poorly dubbed over conversation with Zordon that tries to ignore the fact Tommy is talking by dubbing him over with Jason's voice. Ernie shows up and tells them they're up next and if they don't get up there he'll never let them do work around his Juice Center for free again.
Tommy and Jason show off their karate on stage, as the audience marvels at the incredible belts they have that must make this karate all possible. The boys give a nice little display of karate as they break a few wooden boards with a chop. Big whoop, I've seen Hercule do that with blocks made of stone. Not only that he could tear a phonebook in half. Your parlor tricks don't even compare losers.
Since the episode still has a little time to kill, Bulk and Skull come on stage and scream incoherently into a microphone while a bunch of extras in folding chairs laugh at them. Tommy chuckles with his friends and says how much he loves them and he hopes he'll get to be a Power Ranger forever.
Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Goony bird eggs
Personal Thoughts
This episode definitely isn't bad, but it's really silly. Even for Power Rangers. The subplot about Fang being obsessed with his eggs isn't even hinted at so when he comes in and starts freaking out you're left giggling over the insanity of it all. It's the goofiest thing and it makes Finster's monster look like a crazy asshole. It's funny, but not in the way I think the show wants you to think it is. When you get to a frog monster sobbing that he can't eat some eggs, you've already gone off the rails.
However, the plot isn't exactly meant to be all yuks in the Japanese version. Let's play a little game, look at what the footage is showing you without the dialogue and see if you can figure out the intention of the original episode. Squatt and Baboo eat eggs that Fang becomes enraged about them eating and attacks. Goldar shifts the blame to the Rangers who go on the defensive and lose to the furious monster. Fang weeps over its lost eggs as Rita shows she can reform them for him. The Rangers fight a defensive battle against Fang before destroying him as he threatens the city. What do you think originally happened?
Did you guess that those eggs were Fang's and the monster was originally a mother? Congratulations! Your cognitive skills can't be fooled by this children's program. It's actually a sad plot with Fang being the last of its kind which is why the monster got so upset at its eggs being broken. In the Zyuranger episode, Fang wasn't even initially allied with Rita. It was just an underground monster who wanted to hatch its children. That was too intense for kids so now they have to watch a fight break out over a temper tantrum over a balanced breakfast.
Originally Fang wasn't killed by the Ultrazord, but was finished off by the Dragonzord in Battle Mode, which explains why the footage all awkwardly tries to reform the Megazord off screen. Either Saban wanted to promote the Titanus toy more, or Standards and Practices finally bothered to watch the show and asked why the fuck they were allowing characters to get impaled in the stomach. Maybe a little from column A, a little from column B. Who's to say?
This is how most depressing Sentai episodes end.
This is an incredibly silly memory from my childhood, but I'll never forget when Rita commanded Fang to attack the dam. Not because it was such a wicked and devastating tactic from her, but because the closed captioning misspelled the word dam as the swear word damn. I was so hyped as a kid that my favorite show had gotten away with using bad language even though it actually didn't. It's the dumbest thing that I can still remember that, but it's even dumber that I turned the closed captioning on AGAIN while watching the DVD's just to see it again.
You must be 18 or older to view this screenshot.
My final thought is how fucking tired I am of Tommy getting sidelined and I can tell you exactly why. Yeah he gets taken out of the fight every episode because he has to show up later in the footage, but they almost always have a unique reason for his absence. This is the 2nd time that he has been kidnapped by Putties. As soon as you start repeating his reasons for staying behind it becomes much more obvious what's going on and draws attention to the situation.
Not only that, but Jason made a clear point what Tommy was doing wasn't necessary. The scene played out like a parody. Jason says not to worry about it because it doesn't matter, then Tommy gets deathly serious and informs him they NEED those belts. Why not mix it up and have Jason initially offer to go get their belts, but Tommy says he will instead? It just makes it look like Tommy is an easily distracted moron who can't help but endanger his team's lives. At this point maybe the Rangers would be better off without him.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Jul 16, 2015 4:56:02 GMT
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Episode 34: The Green Candle Part 1
Did you guys know Tommy really likes karate? Don't worry! Today's episode will remind you just in case you didn't notice. He's having a sparring session with Zack. Tommy beats Zack, because his toys are fresher on the shelf, and helps Zack up in front of an awestruck crowd of extras in the Youth Center.
Zack decides to embarrass Tommy right back and ask him if he's asked Kim to the Vague Dance tonight. Tommy hasn't though, and would you like to know why? He's too nervous. Fucking Tommy "Muscles on Muscles" Oliver is nervous to ask Kimberly "I Love Tommy" Hart out. The only scenes Kimberly has had the last however many weeks have been doting over Tommy. You might get a yes there Thomas.
Zack busts out laughing at how dumb Tommy is and says he just has to ask her out. Zack tells Tommy that he needs to make his move today, and just in case kids at home were getting bored with this conversation, Zack pulls a block of wood out of nowhere as Tommy promptly spin kicks it. It's the funniest juxtaposition and it epitomizes Power Rangers completely. Teen drama with some white as fuck karate. Accept no imitations.
Today Rita has the most devious plan ever concocted again. She's going to use the titular Green Candle to steal all of the Green Ranger's powers as it burns. Goldar makes sure to inform us that it was made of magical wax, because that was the main issue I had with this candle. Rita pulls out a map that she uses to locate Tommy, which is completely unnecessary because Rita is always snooping on these teens without some magic map. What's even weirder is she uses it like a Ouija board with a birthday candle sized version of her magic wand to locate Tommy.
GOLDAR! SEND OUR FORCES TO CAPTURE THE NOMAD LANDS!
Zack and Tommy continue sparring, and Zack manages to sweep Tommy's legs and knock him on his duff. Tommy whines that it's because Zack made him think about Kimberly, because he's a sore loser and can't admit that he fucked up. Zack tells Tommy he and his sweet 90's mullet aren't going to be winning any karate matches until he asks Kim out to the Vague Dance. Tommy informs him to put his money where his mouth is and ask Angela out. Oh right remember Angela? The girl Zack has a crush on? Well we didn't feel like paying her for the last 9 episodes so here she is again.
Zack acts like a complete horses ass to impress Angela while dictating his actions to Tommy. Angela can obviously hear all of this, so she reacts to Zack's negging with a sweet "Get a life." Zack is humiliated, but lucky for him the Kings of Humiliation show up to try and mock him. Bulk and Skull sincerely try and mock Tommy and Zack for being unable to get a date, forgetting the last 33 weeks we've seen them strike out with all intelligent life they've tried to pork.
Tommy asks to see what Bulk would do if he wanted to ask a girl out, and Bulk inexplicably pulls his shirt over his face and starts reciting a version of Roses are Red about how nobody wants Tommy's smelly dick near them. It's a sweet dig, but how seriously would you take it if the guy saying it to you looked like this?
Bulk reenacts his arduous birth.
Know why you shouldn't take him seriously? He got his fucking shirt stuck over his face. He demands Skull help him get unstuck, prompting the two to somehow flip themselves over. Since the set dresser forgot to put any cakes or pies on set they just fall on the ground and people laugh. Pretty weak sauce for a Bulk and Skull pratfall, but then Zack calls over a bunch of girls and tells them to check out the two morons marooned on the floor. Skull has a gigantic hard-on at this G-Rated cuckolding, but Tommy and Zack have their own poem for the bullies, which I present to you now in full.
Tommy: Roses are red Zack: Violets are blue Both: We sure can learn a lot from you Pause NOT!!!
Flawless gentlemen. The most 90's burn of all time has been achieved.
Rita casts a spell at her altar to steal all of Tommy's power, which Goldar promises will be accomplished as soon as the Putties find the Green Ranger and steal his coin. You know what weakens this episode a little bit? The fact that the Putties stole Tommy's Morpher last week. The Putties then proceeded to tap at the Morpher and dick around with it. If Rita's most diabolically evil plan could be done with some Putties and a net, it's not that impressive.
Tommy and Kim go for a nice walk in the park while Kim very sweetly waits for her boyfriend to spit out that he wants to grind on her at the Vague Dance tonight. It's actually pretty cutely played, because Kim feigns innocence but you get the feeling she knows what Tommy's going for. Amy Jo Johnson is easily the best actor of the six Ranger Teens and I really like that she adds some level of subtlety to her performance.
Tommy begins to stutter out an invitation, but before he can finish a group of Putties descend on the two. As you might expect, the Putties don't do very well and end up getting manhandled by Kim and Tommy. However the Putties start to put up a better fight when Kim realizes she dropped her Power Morpher and the Putties begin to play keep-away with it. They even manage to flip Tommy onto his back while pinning Kim down. Vague levels of competency?! These must be Super Putties!
Three of the Putties grab Tommy and keep him held down when suddenly Goldar appears in the park. The Putties restraining Kim immediately drop her and surround Tommy instead. Goldar zaps Tommy and the Putties with energy from his sword causing them to vanish while Kim screams out in protest. Goldar tells her she ain't getting laid tonight and vanishes while laughing.
Suddenly, Goldar and the Putties teleport inside the Dark Dimension with Tommy in tow. A Putty delivers Tommy's Power Morpher to Goldar as they vanish to let Goldar handle the unmorphed Green. Goldar informs Tommy the only way he's keeping his powers is if he serves Rita. Also Tommy has to babysit Squatt and Baboo on Thursdays while he goes out clubbing with Scorpina. Tommy tries to fight back and it goes rather poorly for him.
Goldar VS Tommy Your punches didn't even connect Tommy. Step up your game.
Goldar says if he chooses to disobey then he can just lose all his powers when the candle burns out. Tommy looks upon the Green Candle Goldar has inside the Dark Dimension while looking unsure of what emotion he's supposed to convey. Goldar abruptly informs him the candle was made of very special wax. Enough with the fucking wax Goldar. What is your deal today?
Rita whines to Finster that she needs a monster today and tells him how bad she needs it. Is she coming on to Finster here? She isn't even yelling she's being all sweet and needy with the poor old sheep man. It's pretty weird how kind she can be to him while pummeling Squatt and Baboo for being worthless comic relief. This isn't complaining though, anything to expand these characters in some fashion is worthwhile.
Finster pops a new clay monster mold into the Monstermatic and informs his crew that it can transform into any shape at will. Squatt, Baboo, and Goldar all silently observe the goings on, while Rita informs Goldar to get the fuck out of there since he was in the Dark Dimension last scene. Finster's monster Cyclops pops out and boy was Rita's artist not on his A-game this week.
Power Rangers Cyclops Finger congratulates Cyclops on winning the award for most boring design in all of Season 1.
Meanwhile, Tommy and Goldar square off inside of the Dark Dimension. Goldar apologizes for disappearing a few minutes ago but Rita's newest monster looks really cool, trust him. Goldar antagonizes Tommy to try and stop the candle from burning, but the unmorphed Green Ranger can't do a thing to prevent Goldar from busting his ass. Just roll around on the smoke covered floor for a few hours Tommy. That should stop him!
Kim is discussing the situation with the rest of the Ranger Teens inside of the Command Center and says she's worried Rita will regain control of Tommy. Also that she won't get it wet after the Vague Dance tonight. She wore matching underwear for nothing! Zordon tells the Rangers he can't find Tommy so who gives a shit? He's probably dead already. Billy tries to tune in to Tommy's Morpher, but it doesn't work because this is a two part episode and we can't solve the problem until Part 2.
The Command Center alarms start going off and the Ranger Teens see an unfortunate sight inside the Viewing Globe. The Dragonzord is in the city blowing shit up and destroying buildings. Zordon realizes this means Rita must be in control of the Dragonzord, or Goldar became real good at playing a flute. The Rangers realize they better do something because when I said Dragonzord is blowing shit up, I wasn't kidding.
A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST THIS SATURDAY ON FOX KIDS!
Kim asks what they can do if Tommy's under her control and Zack actually tells her they'll have to take Tommy down too. It's a pretty cold moment for this show but it has some serious balls. They're going to take on their dear friend to save their city, no matter what the cost.
Then all of the tension is immediately ruined when Zordon informs them this Dragonzord is actually an impostor. Thanks for that guys I was almost invested. The kids at home know Tommy hasn't been turned evil, can't the characters at least be a little hesitant? Would that kind of drama be acceptable? Nope, they just get to know to go all out on the fake Dragonzord right away.
The Rangers morph to combat the fake Dragonzord and instead of cutting to the fight, we see Rita bitching at Goldar that he needs to make the Rangers pay. For what? They haven't done anything yet Rita. Just let them fight your stupid looking monster and Tommy's energy drain. Odds are you're going to lose no matter what you're attempting.
Goldar accepts the call to battle and has a great double take where he looks at the candle and realizes he probably shouldn't leave Tommy alone with it since it's, y'know, the focal point of this entire plan. Goldar conjures up some magical chains to hold Tommy in place while he's gone, and Tommy is then restrained by one of the shittiest effects Power Rangers has ever graced its screen with.
Look at those 32 bit chains.
The Power Rangers arrive on the scene and combat Putties that Goldar sics on them. Didn't the Rangers show up to fight a phony Dragonzord? Why are they worried about Putties? Regardless, we get a nice brief fight with the morphed Power Rangers and the Putty Patrol. Goldar even gets to lock swords with Jason, although the Red Ranger gets his ass whooped. Goldar tells Jason he'll never see Tommy again, and also Tommy said Jason was terrible in the sack.
The Rangers notice the Dragonzord lumbering over them, mostly because it's 300 feet tall and demolishing the entire city, and Jason says they need to do something. No shit you do Jason, that's the reason you showed up. After way too much building destruction by Dragonzord, Jason summons the Dinozords to take on the fake Dragonzord. Hey here's a crazy idea, make it so they don't know that Dragonzord is fake if you're going to use this scene of them letting the Dragonzord blow shit up and the Rangers being hesitant.
Megazord and fake Dragonzord get into a scuffle in the city that leaves Megazord beaten down. Jason comments that this guy's as strong as the real Dragonzord and they need Tommy's help to win this fight. Christ you guys, what are you going to do if Rita succeeds in taking away his power? You've had to have the green guy bail you out ever since you got him on your team.
Goldar reappears in front of Tommy and tells him his friends couldn't fight their way out of a wet paper bag. He also removes the chains from Tommy's hands because Saban's budget couldn't afford any more terrible looking special effects for this episode. Tommy tells Goldar Rita will never get his power, and when Goldar threatens him Tommy offers no plan of attack. Oh wait, of course. Tommy has the best idea he could ever concoct. He'll use karate fighting to defeat Goldar! Why didn't he think of that before?
Tommy gets knocked to the dirty floor a couple of times before somehow managing to steal Goldar's sword. Goldar doesn't appear to notice until Tommy says he's going to try using the same trick that got them into the Dark Dimension to get them out. Goldar grabs onto Tommy but the two are teleported out of the dimension and back out to the park. So Goldar wasn't using intergalactic space magic to teleport into the dimension? The magic's all inside his sword? Goldar you are a pretty lamesauce warrior. No wonder Rita hates you.
Tommy struggles his Morpher away from Goldar and morphs to the fight between Megazord and fake Dragonzord. The Rangers notice Tommy and breathe a sigh of relief that they don't have to do anything now. Tommy says it's time to bring in some real Dragonzord power, not assuming that Rita hijacked his Zord, but made a monster who could shape shift into an identical copy of the Dragonzord. When you're a Power Ranger it must come naturally to jump to the craziest possible alternative.
Tommy tries to summon the Dragonzord, but his waning powers make it harder for the Dagger to reach Dragonzord. This only lasts for a good 10 seconds though as Tommy tries one more time and summons Dragonzord from the sea. Thank goodness for immediately irrelevant stakes. Dragonzord prime tail slaps the fake version and causes him to revert back into the Cyclops. The Rangers ask why Rita sent a stupid looking Putty spray painted white to fight them, and the Cyclops shows off his bag of tricks.
Cyclops transformation See all this interesting stuff I can do? Well the episode's almost over, see ya.
No seriously, that's how he ends the fight. He disappears after reaffirming his gimmick to the audience. What a lazy piece of shit. Speaking of lazy pieces of shit, Jason thanks Tommy for saving their pansy asses out there, and Tommy promises he'll be a Power Ranger until the end. We then cut to a shot of the Green Candle as Rita says his end will be coming very soon. One of the few moments a character on the show though the exact same thing I did. This show might be infecting me with some kind of cornball virus.
Back at the Command Center, Alpha scans Tommy to check if he's still healthy after having crossed through dimensions, but nothing seems to be wrong with him. Jason mentions that he's glad Tommy's safe, because he's been in Rita's Dark Dimension before and it was a terrible place. However Jason never got scanned by Alpha 5 for any interdimensional diseases after coming back, so either they added that little segment to eat up time this week, or Jason is potentially littered with deadly toxins inside his body. Oh well, 40's a ripe age to live to right?
Tommy expresses concern about losing his powers, but Trini speaks her first line of the episode and assures him that Rita's just bluffing and out of all the crazy shit she can do, this must be impossible. Zordon tells her to pipe the fuck back down because Tommy's powers are legit in danger thanks to that candle. While Tommy was working for Rita, she made him touch some magic wax that she formed into a candle that can drain all of his powers. Tommy then realizes the dire truth of this situation. He REALLY should have asked Kimberly out earlier. She isn't going out with some loser who isn't a Power Ranger.
To Be Continued
Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Emasculating Poetry
Personal Thoughts
Oh boy a plot heavy episode! We haven't gotten one of those in a while. Unless you want to count Island of Illusion which would be a real stretch. It's fun when Power Rangers does something less episodic, even though the nature of the show is pretty much nothing but. It's pretty good, although you can really tell the writers are trying to stretch material as far as they can to cover this into a two parter. The initial Putty fight felt incredibly long and needed Goldar to show up much sooner than he did. It also feels like the Green Candle's purpose was explained approximately 700 times. At some point we get that Tommy's powers are being stolen. Thank you for the exposition.
This is an episode I typically don't go back to very much mostly because of how little I enjoyed the action. Also it can be really easily summarized in Part 2 when Tommy has some one off line about his powers being drained. That's the issue I have with a lot of two part episodes in Power Rangers. I skip the first part because I'd rather see the resolution than the buildup. Island of Illusion offered us a unique set piece and a new character shrouded in mystery. Green Candle just gives us a looming threat. It works, just not quite what I'm looking for.
Would you like to know a big problem I have getting invested in this episode? That fucking Cyclops monster. He's just such a lame looking dickhead. I jokingly called him a white Putty earlier but the more I think on it, it might be true. It's such a horrendously bland design that must have come from the designers saying "Well he'll be in the form of the Zords most of the time. Who cares what he looks like otherwise?"
His costume is also partially repainted from a villain from the previous Sentai series Choujin Sentai Jetman. A character named Emperor Tranza wore a large white pad on his chest that is identical to the one Cyclops has. Check it out.
Regardless of me being iffy on this episode, it really is a good one and has a pretty threatening plan. Rita's gotten serious and she could actually get rid of the Green Ranger! It's raising the stakes and making you wonder how the Rangers can stop her. I mean the Power Rangers always win so this is no exception right? Right? Well...guess we'll figure it out next week.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Jul 16, 2015 4:56:44 GMT
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Episode 35: The Green Candle Part 2
Last week, Tommy wanted to take Kim to some Vague Dance to get his grind on, but thought she wouldn't be down to get on his bone train. Zack said to shut up and ask her because all she does is talk about how great he is. Then Rita made a candle to take Tommy's powers, Goldar talked about wax, and a Cyclops showed up and ran away.
As Tommy isn't too bright, he asks Zordon to cover the things I just said. It also serves to benefit the kids at home who weren't paying attention during the recap the episode was gracious enough to provide. Zordon does offer new information this week however; the Rangers can send someone into Rita's Dimension of Darkness to put out the candle. Wow, if we'd heard that last week it sure wouldn't have been a very dramatic cliffhanger! Glad Zordon waited till the twenty one minute mark before unveiling that piece of information.
Tommy asks how he can get to the candle, but Zordon says his punk ass couldn't handle it. The magic of the candle will only accelerate if Tommy comes near it, so another Ranger will have to do the deed. Jason steps in and says he'll do it if it means protecting his mancandy since he's already been in the Dark Dimension once before. I'm a sucker for continuity based logic, you're doing good today Power Rangers.
Tommy refuses to have Jason go to bat for his powers, because without Jason who will Tommy have to babble on endlessly about karate with? The rest of the Ranger Teens act like they give a shit about Tommy and say they'd be happy to let Jason put out a candle for him. Zack's contribution to how much the Rangers care about him is "Yeah." Maybe Zack never forgave Tommy for this.
Fried egg on WHITE Zack. Don't forget it.
Alpha sputters out some mumbo jumbo about how he was able to find a doorway to Rita's Dark Dimension. There you guys go, that's the set-up for this episode in the span of two minutes. The Ranger Teens found a way to access the Dark Dimension and Jason's headed inside. No dicking around, let's just get right where we need to be.
Goldar tells Rita her magic wax is working perfectly and Tommy's powers will soon be hers. In case we in the audience forgot what the candle's purpose was and that candles have a tendency to melt. Rita guarantees victory will soon be hers as Squatt and Baboo offer nothing but vague agreement. To showcase how little the staff of this show cares about these two, we hear Baboo's voice coming from Squatt's movements. It wouldn't shock me if every week the editors had to be reminded which voice went to who, and this was simply the one time they didn't give a shit and had a deadline to fill.
Billy presents a pair of ludicrous looking gizmos that he dubs molecular decoders. He then offers a boring explanation of how they work to Kimberly, and my ears manage to not maintain any of it because who's at home scribbling notes about Putty molecules? Granted I was more busy wondering why high tech scientific equipment looks like a bunch of junk cobbled together.
Did you get that spiral from a box of toys at the dentist?
Tommy is gobsmacked that his friends are willing to help him in his time of need, but Kim caresses his beefy arm and tells him that he doesn't need to breathe a word and to let his passion do all the speaking for him. Tommy internally wonders if maybe this is a sign Kim isn't completely against considering the concept of going to the Vague Dance with him. The five core Rangers teleport to the park while Jason David Frank gives a ridiculously melodramatic reading of the line "Good luck my friends." It's not all his fault though, because who the fuck wrote that line for a 17 year old high school student? It's terrible delivery for an equally terrible line.
Rita commands her Cyclops monster to go down to Earth and wreak havoc on the city. Goldar reminds the audience that Cyclops is able to shapeshift into different Zord formations, and he'll soon turn into a duplicate of the Megazord to lure the Rangers into battle. Squatt says it's bound to confuse the Rangers, which is ridiculous because they've already seen Cyclops' power. They know what's going on if they see a Zord blowing up the city. It's that stupid one note monster that keeps changing into other things. Granted if I looked that stupid I'd spend a lot of time transformed too.
His doofy ass smile is killing me.
The Ranger Teens set up the Decoders in the park when Bulk and Skull appear and begin sauntering towards them while hooting like mandrills. The bullies inform our heroes that they're trespassing on their turf. The morons offer a warning that they better leave right now or else the Ranger Teens will get to see Bulk and Skull humiliate themselves. Skull asks Bulk what the molecular decoders are supposed to be, and Bulk goes to take a look at where the materials for the device came from.
A scene from the most dramatic episode of Power Rangers yet.
Tommy pouts around the Command Center that he isn't able to help the other Rangers retrieve the candle, because he wasn't paying attention to Zordon's explanation of why he couldn't go. Thankfully Tommy won't be bored for long, because the Cyclops is down on Earth in the form of the Dragonzord Battle Mode. Tommy asks how that's possible, because he wasn't paying attention to the fight they had last week. Zordon tells Tommy he better get his ass in gear and go fight that Cyclops since his friends are busy bailing him out.
Tommy morphs to the scene and calls on the O.G. Dragonzord to fight. This is the one positive of having a monster like Cyclops. He himself is bland as shit, but the fact that he's in the form of Dragonzord Battle Mode gives us a fun fight between Battle Mode and the standard Dragonzord.
Unfortunately all that happens is the Dragonzord blasts its finger missiles at the fake Dragonzord in Battle Mode and causes it to change back into the Cyclops. Thanks for the blue balls guys, you almost had me excited.
Cyclops changes shape into the Megazord and starts clobbering the Dragonzord. Remember how the Megazord was always stronger than the Dragonzord in Battle Mode? Me neither. Tommy realizes his Zord is getting shithoused and decides to actually board the Dragonzord manually. It's actually pretty cool, since Tommy always controls the Dragonzord through his Dragon Dagger and we've never actually seen a cockpit for the Dragonzord before. It adds a little something to this fight that makes it more enjoyable and not just the Dragonzord fighting a fake Megazord.
Do you really need the shield inside of a cockpit?
Dragonzord smacks the Cyclops with its flimsy little hands and knocks him back into his standard form. Cyclops tries to grab onto Dragonzord's tail and actually morphs into Battle Mode again. Before I'm able to get my hopes back up, Dragonzord bitchslaps the fake Battle Mode and changes it back into Cyclops. Guys I just want to see a Dragonzord on Dragonzord match, can't you give me that much? Please?
Cyclops does a flying kick on the Dragonzord, since this whole transformation shit isn't really working out for him. He tries firing an energy beam from his eye, but the Dragonzord is still ready and raring to go no worse for wear. Realizing he's even more pathetic without his transformations Cyclops abruptly turns into the Tyrannosaurus Dinozord. That's not even a combination anymore man, just hang it up Cyclops you're a fucking chump.
He looks like he's about to start squirting tears from his one good eye.
Back in the park, the other Ranger Teens have managed to activate the decoders as Jason prepares to enter the portal. Zack wishes Jason luck since he's the only man Zack wants to take to the Vague Dance tonight. Jason enters the portal made of terrible stock effects and soon vanishes from the park and appears inside the Dark Dimension. Goldar greets Jason as an old friend and gets ready to kill the one man who managed to roll away from him for 48 consecutive hours.
Jason doesn't morph, because the writers are pretending he can't inside the Dark Dimension, and fights Goldar with nothing but some karate kicks. Jason tries diving for the candle but gets thrown to the ground. Goldar starts whirling his sword and growling, just beckoning to taste some fuckin' blood. I don't know what it is, but whenever the Dark Dimension shows up Goldar turns into a straight badass. Maybe it's because he's fighting the teens unmorphed and is guaranteed to win, but you take what you can get with any villain in this show seeming threatening.
Zordon and Alpha watch the fight with Cyclops on the Viewing Globe and see that the Dragonzord is now abruptly losing. Zordon has had enough dicking around with one eyed freaks and decides to call the rest of his indentured servants to clean up the mess Tommy's making all over the city.
Dragonzord swung around Cyclops is using his right hand to cop a feel because it sure ain't lifting anything.
The rest of the Ranger Teens remain blissfully unaware of Tommy's situation and instead worry what's taking Jason so long to blow out Tommy's candle. Zordon buzzes Zack and tells him to knock off all this candle noise and go bail Tommy out of the fight he's losing. The giant floating head says to send one of the Ranger Teens into the Dark Dimension to fish Jason out, and Zack heads in right away.
Zack tells Jason he needs to abort the mission because Tommy's in serious danger against Cyclops. Jason laughs in his face and tells him that Rita's monster is a total pussy, and he needs to get the candle or else Tommy will lose his powers. Zack responds "If we don't get to him in time, he'll lose his life."
This line may not seem like much, but it really resonates. Walter Jones sells it, which is great considering how little the show has given him to do recently. Not only that, but the show is actually addressing the fact that the Power Rangers could possibly die fighting Rita's forces. This is a show that's had to write around death and danger from the very beginning, so it's pretty incredible to see them spell it out so blatantly. It gives Jason a real Sophie's Choice and sells what happens next perfectly.
Jason hesitates really badly, but Zack coaxes him out of the Dark Dimension while Goldar laughs at the retreating Rangers for surrendering so easily. It's a pretty dark moment of loss that's seriously uncommon on this show. Jason tells the Rangers they'll go back as soon as the fight's over, but you get the feeling they're already too late to stop the Green Candle from melting.
The Rangers morph and immediately form the Megazord. No stock footage shots of the Dinozords coming together. The Megazord is together right away. It's a small moment but it's already showing how tense this is. The Green Candle burns as Tommy declares that Rita can't take his powers, because he's the Green Ranger. The Power Rangers theme kicks in as the Ultrazord is formed and the hype levels hit critical mass. It's a moment that has so much weight to it that it almost makes you forget how lame the monster they're fighting is.
Cyclops death Almost
Jason tells his team to teleport back to the Command Center, seeming to realize that the Green Candle has already flickered out and has drained Tommy's powers. Oh, the flame went out? I thought he'd lose his powers when the candle fully melted. The production team must have not known how to melt a candle or didn't have time to wait for it to melt so they just added a shitty flicker effect to pretend it went out. Maybe Tommy could get his powers back if he just put another wick in that thing and lit it up again. Oh sorry, this is a dramatic moment.
Zordon informs the Rangers of the situation and says there's only one option to keep Rita from obtaining Tommy's power; he must give up his Power Coin. Kim tries to object but Tommy says it's the only choice. Zordon informs Tommy he must give his powers to another Ranger so they can remain on the side of good. Naturally Tommy picks the person on the team he shares the closest bond and intimate romance with, and gives his powers to Jason.
Tommy does your shield always look this shitty?
Rita screams about how furious she is that the Green Ranger powers don't belong to her any longer, but is missing the forest for the trees. You took care of Tommy, why not focus on the good you did today Repulsa? This is the closest you've ever come to a victory and you're just refusing the very idea. Goldar promises he'll soon take care of the Power Rangers, Zordon, and even "that talking tin can." Jesus Goldar, what'd Alpha 5 do to make you mad? Was it the time he said ay-yi-yi and expressed fear for his comrades safety?
Tommy's Ranger powers begin to evaporate as his Ranger suit dissolves from around him and leaves him unmorphed. Tommy is clearly broken about the situation but he tells his friends to use his powers to beat Rita, and that it was an honor to fight alongside them. Billy mournfully tells Tommy he will not be allowed to sit with them at the Juice Bar any longer now that he isn't a Power Ranger, but Tommy understands.
Later that day, Kim meets Tommy at the park while he practices karate poses (natch). He rattles off weird banter to her about how nice it is to train outside and how he loves the smell of fresh air, while Kimberly cuts him off to ask how he's feeling without his powers. Tommy says he's focusing on his karate and schoolwork. Karate of course comes first because schoolwork is for losers and Billy.
Kim tells him that the team misses him, but Tommy brushes it off and says they'll still be a team without him. Kimberly decides to hammer her point home by saying "I miss you." It's a sweet line and honestly really nicely delivered by Amy Jo Johnson. I've said it before but she really is one of the strongest actors in the show. Tommy seizes this blatant moment and goes for the gold.
Big deal, the other kisses on this show were way sexier.
Tommy says how he's wanted to do that for a long time, since they live in some weird Mormon cesspool that frowns on any kind of intimacy outside of marriage. Tommy, sporting a rampaging hard-on now that he knows what a human female's lips taste like, finally finds the scrote to ask Kim if she'll go with him to the Vague Dance. She teases him for a brief moment before agreeing, to the surprise of no human being currently drawing breath. The episode ends as Tommy weirdly lifts Kim in the air, and spins her around. Is that the Power Rangers version of second base? The world may never know.
Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Vague Dances
Personal Thoughts:
I had a hard time ripping on this episode, because honestly it's really good all things considered. The show offers stakes and then follows up on them with consequences that negatively impact the heroes. Everything typically works out sunshine and ice cream for the Power Rangers so it's pretty fun to see them genuinely "lose" to Rita. Sure Tommy's powers are with Jason, but he's no longer able to morph or help his friends when they need him.
This episode actually gets to shake the foundation of Power Rangers by removing the Green Ranger from the equation and leaving only the core five to fend for themselves. This was a choice made out of necessity, since the Japanese version also got rid of the Green Ranger by this point, but it was handled rather well in Power Rangers.
In Zyuranger, Tommy's counterpart was also experiencing a candle based tragedy. He only had a certain amount of hours left to live if he ever left a magical room he lived inside. These hours were represented by a candle that would melt the more he left the room to assist his teammates. This story arc culminated with the Japanese Green Ranger living his final hour in battle alongside his team, then transferring his powers to Red and dying. This was obviously impossible to use in the Power Rangers version, as dying hadn't yet to be introduced in America.
There's an issue I had while watching this episode that actually surprises me. This is the first and only time I've thought a Bulk and Skull scene should have been excised completely. Don't get me wrong, I love those morons more than I love this goofy ass show; but they absolutely don't fit with the serious tone and ticking clock this episode is trying to establish. It just makes me think that if Bulk and Skull hadn't shown up, Jason might have had time to grab the Green Candle from Goldar and save Tommy's powers. Thanks for nothing you assholes.
Before we conclude I want to rag on Cyclops just a little bit more. Upon reviewing the Japanese episode, I saw a shot of Cyclops from behind that was cut from the Power Rangers version. Let me show you fine folks and see if you might have a guess why.
Ugh
Jesus Christ. At first I just thought the costume just looked kind of lame and wasn't that great, but the more I wrote the uglier it got. What a cheap piece of shit. This show is made of nothing but the cheapest effects ever put to film and this costume still stands out as bad for the ridiculously low bar Power Rangers sets. Of all the monsters to show up in a two parter why'd it have to be this clown?
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Jul 16, 2015 4:57:17 GMT
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Episode 36: Birds Of A Feather
Today is going to be a difficult episode to watch guys. It's all about the Ranger Teens expressing their grief at losing their friend Tommy as the Green Ranger. Knowing that they'd failed him and have only managed to weaken their team as a result, they're soon forced to come to terms with what it truly means to be a hero. To bear the pain of loss and continue forward regardless so that the evil Rita Repulsa isn't able to demolish their world.
Just Joshin! This one's about a karate tournament!
No honestly. No line about Tommy losing his powers last week and how that's a bummer. No discussion on how they're going to have to work extra hard to fill in the void he left. Tommy's gone and we're back to making the show as episodic as possible. Tommy isn't even in the opening credits anymore. Suck a dick you old has-been, nobody cares about you anymore.
Enough about all that though, Zack's teaching some kids karate. Not his made-up hip-hop kido style of martial arts, just some generic punch and kick action. Either the writers realized how shitty it was to give the one black guy a dance style of karate, or they felt like having a Zack episode. Neither option seems particularly likely, but it's good to see Zack in focus so I'll give them a pass.
Zack asks his student Cameron to go through a new kata in front of the class, but Cameron says he's not good enough to do some sleek karate skills in front of a bunch of 3rd graders. Zack helps out by leading Cameron in a demonstration of karate that goes well until Cameron trips himself up and falls on the mat. When Cameron falls, the show plays a goofy "BOING" sound effect more fitting for a Bulk and Skull scene. Maybe the reason the kid isn't confident is because this show is mocking his sub-par karate skills with dumbass sounds.
Zack tells Cameron to concentrate more, but how can he? Bulk and Skull just showed up and are offering meaningless threats! Bulk has some little kid named Biff hanging out with him who he says is going to clobber Cameron in the karate competition. Who is this kid and why is he chilling with Bulk? We get a one off line later that Bulk is acting as Biff's coach, but on what planet is anyone looking at Bulk and trusting his judgement with regards to karate? Or anything.
Did Skull steal that belt from David Arquette?
We get a scene of Biff "showing off" his skills, and it falls incredibly flat. He does poses and a single spin kick, but nothing he does leaves you that amazed. Take into account we're talking about a kid, and he's still not impressive. I'm a fan of Power Rangers, clearly I don't have that high of a bar for entertainment. Even Zack and Cameron look at him like his existence is a waste. Good to see Bulk taught Biff everything he knows.
Rita cackles about today's evil scheme, which has absolutely nothing to do with this karate tournament. It's good to see her making plans that don't revolve around whatever superfluous activity the Ranger Teens are involved in at the time. Finster has sent her newest monster, Hatchasaurus, down to Earth where he'll take the Dragonzord out of commission and then crush the rest of the Rangers. Oh right the Dragonzord was the Zord that one guy used to have. What was his name? Tony?
Zack dismisses his students but takes Cameron one on one to tell him not to let Biff psyche him out. Wait is that what's going on? Cameron didn't look nervous about Biff at all while he did his bullshit white kid karate earlier. Cameron tells Zack he's more nervous about the possibility of Biff cheating, because he's a 90's bully stereotype and doesn't have anything else to his character other than that. Zack tells him he'll be fine and that he'll be in Cameron's corner if he's needed.
This scene with Cameron and Zack is significantly more charming than the other episodes where a Ranger Teen gets saddled up with some kid to teach them a lesson about recycling or whatever.
There's two reasons as to why; the first is that the kid isn't dubbed over by some voice actor like Power Rangers has done before with kids, so we get to hear an actor actually giving their own performance without having some third party redo it. The second reason this works is because Walter Jones is just a charming actor. I've made note a few times how little they focus on him, and it's honestly a shame because he's actually rather fun to watch.
They perfected Billy and Willy's handshake!
We cut to the Junior Martial Arts Competition, already in progress. Cameron's pretty nervous since he's up first, but Zack tells him there's no way he's going to lose this early. They have a plot to fill out after all. The rest of the Ranger Teens have shown up to cheer Cameron on during his match, because they don't have anything better to do with their milquetoast lives. Zordon calls Jason and tells him to gather up all his buddies because Rita's sent a big ugly fucker down to Earth. Jason tells his buddies they need to head out, much to Zack's chagrin.
Zack now has to go up to the kid with self confidence issues who he promised he'd always be there for, and tell him he has to skedaddle so fuck him and his self-esteem. Zack tries to explain to Cameron that he has an emergency to go take care of but Cameron says if he leaves now that it will ruin everything.
I seriously love this moment. It happens abruptly, but it's a feeling kids can relate to. When an adult is there for a kid it gives them confidence to keep doing what they're doing; but when an adult has their own important business to attend to, the kid can't understand why the adult is acting in a way they perceive as selfish. The adult doesn't want to have to leave because they want to inspire the kid, but real life got in the way of doing so. It's a really natural conflict and they managed to make it happen with regard to a space witch who lives on the moon.
The Ranger Teens teleport to the Command Center where Zordon informs them of Rita's new monster. It's already giant, and has been buried underground near a power plant for no discernible reason. Zordon tells the Rangers that Hatchasaurus is controlled by a super computer called the Cardiatron. Their mission, if they choose to accept it, is to get inside the Hatchasaurus and disconnect Cardiatron. Fuck almighty, Tyler's only been gone a week and already we have to get inside a monster and reprogram a computer? Rita's really upping the stakes.
When the Rangers ask how they're supposed to do any of this crazy shit, Zordon tells them to believe in their skills and they'll be able to succeed. That's not an answer you big blue fuck. The Rangers morph and teleport to their Zords to combat the Hatchasaurus. As they approach the monster's location, it uproots itself while wiggling its massive clunky head around.
AHHHHHH! AFTER TEN THOUSAND SECONDS I'M FREE!
Jason realizes they're going to need some help to take down this big ugly mug, and uses the Dragon Dagger to call for Dragonzord. Dragonzord walks into the fray to combat Hatchasaurus and knocks the monster around before getting him in a submission hold. The monster's now open for the rest of the Dinozords to attack! The four individual Dinozords fire their standard beam moves at Hatchasaurus and knock him back down to the dirt before Tyrannosaurus fires its ground breath attack at the monster and destroys it. Didn't Zordon say something about a computer? Oh well, it probably wasn't important.
Back at the Moon Palace, Squatt tells Rita the Power Rangers just blew her monster into a million pieces, and she must feel real stupid hiring someone who offers absolutely nothing productive to her organization. Goldar informs him that the Hatchasaurus hasn't been defeated yet, because the episode isn't even half over and we still have more footage to burn through.
Zordon teleports the Rangers back into the Command Center and informs them they didn't listen to a single cocksucking word he just told them and the monster is reforming itself as they speak. The Rangers look at the Viewing Globe to see the monster chunks shuffling around and meeting up near a huge glowing orb in a field somewhere. Jason surmises that the Rangers will need the Megadragonzord to finish off this monster, because he didn't listen to any of that shit about a Cardiawhatever.
Goldar asks Rita what she plans to do about the Dragonzord, because the script writer forgot he was in on the plan earlier. Rita speaks an incantation that spews a pink energy beam from her lips that finds the lumbering Dragonzord on Earth and binds his arms to his sides. My only objection is that the Dragonzord was wandering around on Earth when usually he's under the sea waiting to be summoned. I didn't take issue with the Japanese space witch spewing a pink energy beam from her lips that restricted the massive robot dragon monster. Sometimes in life you just have to pick your battles.
Oh no! Now his little baby hands might be ineffective!
Zordon reminds the Rangers, AGAIN, that they need to disconnect Cardiatron from the Hatchasaurus to defeat him. The Rangers morph once again and bring the Megazord into battle against the reformed Hatchasaurus who's tearing shit up in the city. Before absolutely any fighting happens, we see Rita and her crew talking about how brilliant her plan is and how the monster is destroying the Power Rangers once and for all. Did the editor put this scene in the wrong spot? Your ugly ass monster hasn't done shit lady.
The Rangers go head to head with the Hatchasaurus, who now has some spikes on his tummy after being reborn. The Cardiatron must have picked up some extra junk while collecting all the Hatchasaurus pieces and left them on his gut. Megazord tries to keep up with the monster but it manages to put up a much better fight against the Rangers this time. At one point he hugs the Megazord while zapping it with energy from his chest. It's another one of Power Rangers patented "Ridiculous but Amazing" moments.
The monster knocks Megazord down onto the ground as the Rangers brace for more. Suddenly, the Hatchasaurus busts out his secret technique.
What do I do in my spare time? I make gifs of bird dinosaurs fucking robots. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Jason tries to summon the Dragonzord so they can turn this into a threesome, but the Dinozord doesn't show up. Far off in the distance, the Dragonzord lumbers forward slowly. Jason says he's sick of waiting for that lazy dick and summons the Power Sword. It flies from the sky and stabs into Hatchasaurus, knocking him off of the Megazord, right before he was able to nut.
The Rangers start to fight back against the monster, but again he gains the upper hand. He deflects their attacks with his shell and throws the Megazord again. Billy says the Megzord's energy is down by 50 percent and they're in serious danger. Jason uses the Power Sword on Hatchasaurus to finish the monster off. It goes really well!
Not even Nostradamus could have forseen this!
Well look at that guys, when you kill the monster it comes back stronger. Who woulda thunk? Jason actually says "Looks like we have to finish him again." Are you fucking people brain dead? Go dismantle that computer thing, stop killing the Hatchasaurus because it clearly isn't working.
Dragonzord saunters up and observes as the Hatchasaurus and Megazord continue fighting each other. Unfortunately he can't do anything but stand around with his hands at his sides so he just lets the rest of the Rangers do the fighting for him. Billy notes that something is interfering with the Zord's communication receptors or some other hogwash, and Jason surmises Rita must have the Zord locked under a spell. Are you sure you guys told Dragonzord he was getting a new partner? Maybe he just doesn't trust someone summoning him other than Teddy.
The Hatchasaurus blasts the Megazord with energy from its new horns while slapping it around a little more. The Rangers have no idea what to do so Jason comes up with a brilliant idea, he's going to disconnect the Cardiatron from the Hatchasaurus. That's why you're in the captain's chair Jase, always coming up with the best ideas. But how does the leader of the Power Rangers plan on doing that? By leaping into the Hatchasaurus' open mouth into its body. It works because of course it does, and Jason meets face to face with the Cardiatron.
Portrayed by a disco ball painted orange.
All of a sudden, the Cardiatron starts fucking talking to Jason and threatening him. I want to be indignant about how crazy that is, but I just accepted Jason leaping into the monster's mouth to disconnect a computer inside of its belly, so I have no right. As Jason prepares to strike the computer, it unleashes countless tentacles to restrain the Red Ranger. Since he's not a woman the scene doesn't turn sexual, but Jason is still in serious trouble. He starts bursting with sparks, while the rest of the Rangers watch in horror. Somehow able to see inside the monster's stomach.
Hatchasaurus blasts the Megazord and causes it to drop the Power Sword and stagger back. The Rangers try and regain control of the situation by grabbing onto the Hatchasaurus to let Dragonzord attack it, but the Zord is unable to do anything to help as it remains trapped under Rita's spell. The Dragonzord becomes so weak that it falls over in slow motion, which is significantly funnier than the creators intended it to be.
Jason tries using the Dragon Dagger to shakes the Zord out of Rita's spell, but nothing happens as the Dragonzord is unable to fight back. Cardiatron laughs at the ailing Red Ranger and tells him that his magic music is a total crock of horseshit.
The inside of most monsters is nothing but a series of glowing rooms.
Jason has had enough, the day he's told where to get off by a sass talking computer is the day he stops loving karate. He summons the Dragon Shield, causing the Dragonzord to get a jolt of energy, stand up, and shatter Rita's spell. Eat it you old space hag, nobody tells the Dragonzord what to do. It's going to stand around and roar and you can fuck right off if you think otherwise.
While the Megazord has Hatchasaurus held down, Dragonzord uses its drill tail to spear the monster's chest. The other Rangers look on in awe as Jason and the Cardiatron are ejected from the Hatchasaurus onto the ground below. Despite not being hooked up to anything inside the monster, Cardiatron puts up a fight against Jason by tentacle grabbing him and blasting him with lasers. Since he's just a big floating ball, Jason skips the formalities and finishes him off with a pretty bitchin' attack.
If you don't think a tyrannosaurus powered superhero hacking apart a giant heart with two swords is radical then you must be reading the wrong blog bub.
Now that the Hatchasaurus is computerless and has a searing hole in its chest, the Rangers prepare to strike back. Jason leaps back into the Megazord cockpit and calls forth Titanus and the Ultrazord. The Ultrazord blows Hatchasaurus to bits, confident in the knowledge that he won't be coming back this time. So long as the show doesn't last for another season which we all know it won't.
Oh shit, wasn't there another plot going on today? Something about karate? We got all caught up in bird monsters and Dragonzord spells. Zack heads back to the Youth Center to see that Cameron has advanced to the finals of the tournament, because he believed in himself or something. We haven't seen him in the last 10 minutes so who knows? Zack's worried that Cameron will be mad at him for leaving, but Kim says he definitely won't care. So fuck all that dramatic tension we had earlier, everything's fine now.
Cameron's final opponent is Biff, to the surprise of absolutely nobody in the audience. Biff shows off a few more of his mediocre punches and kicks on a sandbag in the Youth Center, while Cameron and Zack have to pretend they're intimidated by his shitty karate skills.
The match begins and Biff scores a point on Cameron by giving him a G rated choke slam onto the mat. It's a pretty bland match, probably because we're watching children doing it. It's tough to watch episodes featuring actual displays of karate, and then try to be excited watching the Nick Jr. karate tournament.
Cameron gets knocked onto the ground a few more times before he sweeps Biff's leg. That's something the fucking villains do Cameron! What are you thinking? Biff becomes disoriented and allows himself to get knocked down a few more times before the match ends and Cameron is announced the winner. Cameron offers Biff a handshake, which he politely accepts. The moral of the story is that you can make friends out of enemies if you beat them bad enough in a karate match.
Before we conclude, Biff informs his coach Bulk to make like a tree and get out of here.
Every episode of Power Rangers should end with a sweet dick kick.
Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Cardiatrons
Personal Thoughts:
Man I love this episode. The karate tournament segments are whatever. It's cool to see Zack as the focal point of an episode, but it's such a nothing storyline that you come to ignore it when it's time for the fighting to start. Hatchasaurus is a really fun monster, and the idea of him coming back stronger each time he gets beaten puts a nice twist on the usual monster formula.
The only problem with this episode is the Rangers are instructed what to do by Zordon, and immediately disregard that solution for half of the episode. It might have played better if Zordon figured out the Cardiatron situation after they'd already beaten him once or twice.
While typically I goof on Power Rangers for not following Sentai when it needs to, Power Rangers made a decision that improved the source material this time. After Hatchasaurus is killed by the Power Sword, he immediately reforms stronger than ever. In Zyuranger the characters discussed the situation while waiting for him to reform again, which only took about 20 seconds but still felt superfluous.
I much prefer the Power Rangers method because we already know exactly what's going to happen, and it heightens the tension knowing Hatchasaurus is just going to keep coming back instantly. We don't need to reiterate the fact he can't die since we saw it happen not three minutes ago.
Mark Hatchasaurus in your rolodex of monster costumes that Power Rangers definitely had handy for filming. They didn't use it for any scenes this week which could mean they didn't have it at the time and received it later, or they just didn't feel like filming new material. You saw how much of this write-up revolved around the Hatchasaurus fight, clearly they had enough footage of the monster to use. Put him on the backburner though, we're not done with him yet.
Basically if you have any lingering interest in this show, check out Birds of a Feather. It's a fun episode with a bunch of action and some subplot you can forget about. What more could you ask for?
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Jul 16, 2015 4:57:55 GMT
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Episode 37: Clean-Up Club
The 90's were a really glorious time to be alive. We had bowl cuts, Snick, and a limited understanding on how to broach serious topics through our media. Today's episode is a beautiful time capsule into that period of naiveté, where the way to solve problems was with a real can-do attitude and a montage where everyone does flips for no reason.
The students of Angel Grove High School are piling into their seats as Ms. Applebee talks about a video project she's assigning the class. She can't get more than three words out before Bulk and Skull mongoloid their way into the classroom. Skull's filming Bulk for the film project entitled "Bulk: The World's Greatest Guy." They were going to call it "Falling Down", but Schumacher already beat them to the punch.
Bulk hams it up in front of the camera, which comes quite naturally to him. He talks about how much Miss Applebee loves him and is a lovely teacher. If Bulk's supposed to be this huge bully why is he making documentaries about how he's such a huge kiss ass? Wouldn't someone like Bulk be making documentaries about beating up nerds and doing sweet tricks on his stepdad's motorcycle? Basically I want them to write Bulk like he's Mac from Always Sunny.
Why is he wearing Judy Funny's beret?
Skull disrupts the class by giving Bulk horrible direction so that he looks better on camera. It's actually a funny scene since Narvy and Schrier are funny enough actors to carry ridiculous shit like this. It takes a talented man to make you laugh by falling out of a high school chair, but by God Paul Schrier pulls it off.
Now that we've gotten a laugh or two out of the way, it's time for reality to hit like a truck. Trini is the first to present her video project to the class, and it's on the topic of pollution in Angel Grove. Her video shows various environmental problems like barrels leaking sludge into the water and a bunch of dead fish. The video is met with some maudlin shots of the Ranger Teens so that the audience knows that even some totally tubular karate flips won't be able to solve this problem!
Trini's video goes on to say that we can't destroy nature's balance or harm the wildlife. Then the Sarah McLaughlin music comes on and we're all asked to donate to Greenpeace. The video ends as Billy starts blurting out how pollution really burns his biscuits. You're not fooling anyone Billy you just want to score points with Trini. Since the Ranger Teens are all generic good kids, they want to do something about those dying fish! Trini proposes a "clean-up club" where the members can count animals and work on recycling. Trini's first proposal is sending a show to Fox Kids that's made out of fifty percent recycled footage.
Speaking of recycled footage, Rita becomes overjoyed at the idea of polluting the planet to mess with the Rangers. She orders her crew to unleash Finster's newest monster, the Polluticorn. As you can obviously tell, the Polluticorn is a magical unicorn monster able to pollute the Earth by flying around and wrecking shit. Rita was never much one for subtlety. The Moon witch commands Scorpina and Goldar to guide her unicorn to Earth, while demanding Squatt and Baboo stand in the background and make quips while remaining irrelevant.
At the Youth Center, a gaggle of high schoolers are helping set up a recycling drive while we hear some ridiculous karate noises being made. I honestly assumed these faux Bruce Lee sounds were coming from Bulk, but we cut to Jason performing them. For someone whose entire life is based on karate, why is Jason acting like an asshole about it? It's such a weird nothing moment of Jason spewing racist sounding kung-fu noises before a very lackluster attempt at recycling.
It's Jason's Me So Solly bit.
Zack follows suit by stomping a can after coming out of a mantis stance. Nobody is even watching you two act like assholes, why are you dicking around to smash a grand total of three cans? I'm all for having fun while you work, but at least keep things moving. Not everything in your lives has to center around karate you jack offs.
Billy's collected recyclables inside of some containers that he's painted using a mixture of reused organic chemicals. So you painted them with piss and weed, got it. Kimberly gives Ernie tedious instructions on how to organize some recycling bins so that they can look nice while people throw garbage in them. The Ranger Teens leave to do some cleaning in the park while Bulk and Skull rush into the Youth Center to do some more filming for their project.
Bulk talks about how he loves going to the gym and getting his pump on, assuming that the only people who partake in this movie will be blind. Skull gets really upset when he realizes Bulk won't let him be in the one scene he wanted to be a part of. Bulk begrudgingly asks Ernie to film the twos work out sesh, to which Ernie mocks the idea of their physical fitness. Now as much as I give Bulk grief for being a giant slob, Ernie ain't no spring chicken himself. Are you abrasive to all your overweight customers who come in trying to lose weight Ernie? How does this guy stay in business? Oh right, all the indentured servants he makes out of teenagers.
The Ranger Teens find that the park is in complete shambles with garbage all over the place. There's something that rings really hollow about this scene, mostly because you know the crew are the people who threw all this garbage everywhere. We're not seeing a real garbage filled park, but a dumbed down version made by the production team who were given a garbage bag full of shredded paper and ten minutes to make a reasonably dirty looking park. I'm not asking them to go out and find the dirtiest sleaziest place in America to film the actors in; but doesn't it sort of defeat the purpose of your environmental episode if you go out of your way to dump a bunch of shit all over the ground and decry it?
Billy takes a soil sample and places it inside a test tube he has on him at all times. His scientific expertise concludes that the ground is "completely polluted." It's true that soil can be polluted by litter, so that's acceptable science even if it's horrendously simplified. However please take a look at the park that has reached critical pollution mass and tell me how bad it looks.
Someone was having a pretty bitchin' Dr. Pepper party in one corner of the park.
This is maybe an hour's worth of cleaning and you're telling me this has completely contaminated the entire park's ecosystem? You can see the point in the distance where the set dresser stopped polluting the goddamned park. A bunch of shredded tax forms aren't going to completely dismantle the ecosystem you clods, it's just going to make it look shitty. Billy your dumbass science has fucked us all.
So what is it that a bunch of typical average kids can do to solve this pollution problem? Well it seems pretty obvious. How about a KICKIN' RAD MONTAGE?!!?!?
The absolute stupidest moment in this entire episode is when Billy tests the soil after the Ranger Teens pick up the garbage. He starts grinning as if to imply that they've managed to fix the soil problem. Okay, you can tell me that litter will have negative ramifications on the park's soil and you're technically correct. The best kind of correct. However don't bullshit the audience and act like picking up some trash will have an immediate effect on the ecosystem you fucking hacks.
This is the moment I hit a crossroads with Power Rangers. Yeah, the episode with the polluting horse lost me. You can have your episode about how cleaning up the community is a super jammin' thing to do, but don't lie to kids about the impact that they're having by implying cleaning up trash will immediately fix the problem. Don't make kids think that doing an hour of flips and karate chopping pop cans is going to offer a magic cure to mother Earth. Just have the teens picking up trash and show the audience how much better it looks.
Enough soapboxing, the teens have more miracles to create by picking up some stray beer cans. As the Ranger Teens depart, Bulk emerges from underneath the pile of garbage bags they left sitting in the park. The Ranger Teens must have mistaken him for a garbage can. Bulk intends to use all the trash as a photo op for his video project to act as though he's a good Samaritan. There isn't a more adept summary of Bulk then a shot of him popping out of garbage bags saying "This is going to make me look good." God bless you ya big oaf.
The Ranger Teens fix up another section of the park when Billy notices Putties and calls them "pollutants." We surveyed a hundred people, top five answers on the board, name a word that can't be made to sound threatening. Pollutants IS our number one answer. Coincidentally, the second is "Polluticorn." The Rangers spar with the Putty Patrol while Billy of all people starts busting out flips and kicking the shit out of them. This must have been the point the writers decided he's had enough of a character arc and should just be good at karate now. Honestly it's been nearly 40 episodes, that's good enough for me.
After sacking the Putties, the Rangers congratulate themselves on beating Rita's helpless gray footie pajama wearing chickenshits. They aren't out of the woods yet though, Rita's Polluticorn shows up ready to take on the Power Rangers. Boy howdy, he looks like a real night mare!
Polluticorn This guy has some serious horse power.
The Teens morph and try to take on the Polluticorn. He blitzes through the Rangers with his wings, blasts them with energy from his horn, and blows them away with wind from his wings. He knocks them around like they're on a carousel, and Trini tells her friends they need to stop this monster before he pollutes everything they just cleaned up. Yeah Trini that's the real issue here. You might have to do more work after getting shithoused by this big ass horse.
Goldar and Scorpina flip onto the scene and prepare to fight alongside the Polluticorn for the mane event. Before they attack the Rangers, the Polluticorn tells them to stand down because he's more than enough to take care of these schmucks. This unicorn is one cocky asshole. Maybe he wouldn't be so proud if he realized he's the last of his kin. Good luck propagating the species you dickhead horse.
Goldar comments, rather hoarsely, that he likes the Polluticorn's style. As dumb as it is that Goldar and Scorpina showed up for no reason but to stand around in the footage, I do like the bit of rapport he has with Polluticorn here. Giving monsters personalities other than "I FIRE LASER BEAMS OUT OF MY EYES" helps make them more memorable. The Polluticorn being a hot headed asshole is more fun than him just being a big horse who loves global warming.
The Rangers try knocking Polluticorn around but their attacks don't faze him at all. They punch him in his giant head but he doesn't even flinch before knocking them to the dirt. Billy concludes that the Rangers attacks can't harm the monster and they need to formulate a new strategy. The monster blasts them with energy beams from his eyes while saying how stoked he is to destroy their stupid planet. Remember when I made fun of monsters firing eyebeams and being vaguely threatening? Polluticorn managed to fill that quota out instantly. I swear that happened completely by accident. This show is a bunch of horseshit.
The Rangers hoof it back to the Command Center where Zordon informs them this monster may prove difficult to defeat. Expert analysis Zordon, I thought most monsters were able to shrug off punches. Billy helps Alpha figure out a solution to trampling the Polluticorn while Zordon shows the rest of the Rangers how unstable this creature really is. The monster is terrorizing a recycling plant downtown and plans on polluting the Earth to the point it can never be cleaned again. The Rangers prepare to prove Zordon wrong with a montage, but Alpha brings some levity by acting annoying.
What a horrible waste of paper. What's this episode about again? Who cares.
Billy's analysis shows that the Polluticorn's power comes from its horn. The horn that's been glowing throughout the fight every time the Rangers try to hit the monster. It sounds just crazy enough to be right, so the Rangers get back in the saddle to take on the Polluticorn. At the recycling plant, the Rangers are ambushed by Goldar and Scorpina while the Polluticorn gets ready to give Angel Grove a polluticornicopia. Jason tells the rest of the Rangers to fight Goldar and Scorpina while he assures them he'll put the horse down himself.
None of the Rangers are able to put up a decent fight against the trio. Jason gets cribbed by Polluticorn while his friends get demolished by Scorpina and Goldar. The Polluticorn prepares to defeat Jason but stops when he realizes he's got a recycling plant to destroy. The monster get its horsecock in a tizzy at the idea of polluting the planet, but Jason leaps into action with his Power Sword to try and hack off the monster's horn. The monster continues to no sell Jason's attacks, while wiping the peanut butter off of his lips and mocking the Red Ranger.
Goldar and Scorpina manage to ground the other four Rangers while Jason realizes he needs to finish this fight now. He calls for the Dragon Shield and Dragon Dagger to give him an extra boost of energy. The monster tries to keep up by blasting energy balls from its horn, but Jason shows the monster what's what.
Stay golden Ponyboy
Rita is pissed that her monster horse got maimed, but insteed of giving up she makes the monster grow. The Rangers bring out the Megazord to fight this bucking bronco and make themselves a nice new batch of glue. Even without his horn, the Polluticorn manages to put up a decent fight against the Dinozords. He flies through the air and slashes the Megazord with his wings, while most definitely littering the city with horse feathers.
The Rangers get sick of being kicked around by this doofy ass horse, so they summon the Power Sword to even the playing field. Inexplicably the Megazord leaps into the air and flies at the monster before slashing him into horse meat. Would you feel comfortable eating that on your burger? Personally I say neigh.
Back at the Youth Center, the Rangers take time away from their clean-up club duties to watch a news report on how great the Power Rangers are for murdering giant farm animals that attack their city. It's nice to see the producers of the show believe in recycling as well, because this exact same news report footage has already been used twice before.
The Rangers finish up the work at the recycling drive while piling up a whole bunch of cans, bottles, and newspapers. Kim notes that all the plastic that's been collected can be used to make, like, SO many credit cards. I thought that valley girl garbage was just a phase Kim, who are you trying to impress? Bulk and Skull waddle into the Youth Center, and we're treated to one of the best pratfalls Bulk's had all season.
There are men who were put on this planet solely to fall down.
The next day in class, Bulk and Skull have to present their finished video project. Skull barges in with the tape, having just finished editing it, and gives it to Ms. Applebee. Skull promises that in spite of a few glitches, the tape will look fantastic. Bulk is clearly excited to see the video, but is shocked to watch as the tape is cut so poorly that it makes Bulk say humiliating things such as "THAT MISS APPLEBEE. CAN'T TEACH" and "IM A STUPID MORON WITH AN UGLY FACE AND A BIG BUTT AND MY BUTT SMELLS AND I LIKE TO KISS MY OWN BUTT." The episode ends as everyone cackles at how stupid Bulk is, no doubt because of all his horsin' around.
Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Monsters with Personalities
Personal Thoughts:
This episode really surprised me. When I was a kid I didn't have this episode recorded, but I vaguely knew about it having a unicorn monster and being about recycling. Why this made me want to watch it I'm not sure, but as it stands it's not that great. There's only one thing I really liked about the episode, but it definitely wasn't the show's tepid attempt at addressing real world issues.
Not because the show was being preachy about recycling or whatever. This is a show for children that's trying to teach them about a real threat without terrifying them into nihilism, I can handle if they hit the nail a bit too on the head. My problem is that you can't make recycling exciting. I'm sorry, but you can surround it with as many flips and karate chops as you want, but at the end of the day you're just stacking bottles.
I was hoping to get excited about the fight with the Polluticorn as well, but even that didn't really pump me up very much either. Jason chopping his horn off is fun, but the Megazord fight does absolutely nothing for me. Possibly because the editors cut a chunk of it out, but I'll explain that in a moment. What kept me interested in this episode were all of the Bulk and Skull scenes.
I haven't hidden my love for these two by any means, but today's episode is absolutely their time to shine. Usually we get a scene or two of them assholing around, but this week we get no less than four separate scenes of them embarrassing themselves. At no point did I find myself tired of seeing them, and I kept getting giddy whenever they popped back up.
The through line of Bulk thinking he's going to look really cool in this video while being woefully ill equipped to do so is just funny to watch. When this silly ass show from the early 90's can get a genuine laugh out of me, I'm pretty impressed. If you have any desire to check this episode out just fast forward through the discussion on pollution and watch the Bulk and Skull scenes. Or just jerk off and take a nap. Both are pretty fulfilling ways to spend an afternoon.
During the Putty fight, the choreographer did something I found really cool. The Ranger Teens do an unmorphed version of the Tower Formation. Assuming you don't remember what that is, let me catch you up to speed.
What I like about this is it helps sell you on the idea that the Ranger Teens are actually the superheroes inside those suits. It helps you ignore the fact that you're clearly watching a Sentai series and blends the American footage with the Japanese footage in a nice way.
Another comparison that can be made was how the Japanese counterpart of this episode also had a plot dealing with pollution. The episode was about a little boy who attacked people who he saw polluting because they were messing up the planet. As a matter of fact all the footage in Trini's video project comes from the Zyuranger episode! Did the writers want to do an episode about pollution or did they just feel lazy and saw they could cram in some more Japanese footage to pad the runtime?
The Zord fight against Polluticorn in Zyuranger originally had the Rangers summon Titanus to carry the Megazord into battle against the monster. Why this was cut I really can't say, but it makes the Megazord's leap into the sky a lot more nonsensical.Originally the Megazord was using Titanus as a boost to launch itself into the sky to catch the monster off guard. Here the Megazord just decided to jump really high.
The U.S. production crew didn't have the Polluticorn costume on hand for filming, or it could have been received in too poor of condition to use. I'm more inclined to believe the latter, because during the fight with the Red Ranger you can see that the costume is tearing. Just look underneath the monster's left leg and you'll see what I mean.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Jul 16, 2015 4:58:15 GMT
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Episode 38: A Bad Reflection On You
I have to admit, this week's episode of Power Rangers grabbed me right from the start. We don't see the Ranger Teens teaching kids how to believe in themselves while they get ready for the big dance. Instead, the first thing we see is Rita whipping up a plan to mess with those douchebag teenagers.
Scorpina will escort an army of Putties to Earth led by Rita's newest monster, Twin Man. He's Jack Haley meets Danny Devito! No Schwarzenegger though.
However the Twin Man has a very special power, as he's able to transform the Putties into exact duplicates of the Ranger Teens. Rita plots to send the Twin Man's crew to Earth where they can demolish the Rangers reputation. You know what? That's actually a great idea.
This entire blog I've discussed how the Ranger Teens are made to be the ultimate in puritanical values. They help every living being in their path while vouching for the healing properties of karate and recycling. That benevolence is the defining characteristic of the Ranger Teens, and Rita wants to reverse all of that. She's going to turn them into pariahs and make everyone second guess their actions. What worse punishment could you inflict on a bunch of extroverted altruists?
Here's the catch though, the Twin Man and his buddies have to show Angel Grove High School that the Ranger Teens are now bad news. If they can't do that right from the get-go this whole plan is for nothing. How can he convince the citizens that their paragons of justice are evil the moment they lay eyes on them? Simple.
Flawless
The !EVIL! Ranger Teens head into the high school to begin wrecking the Ranger Teens squeaky clean image. !EVIL! Billy is going to go get a C on his Calculus test, !EVIL! Kimberly is going to wear white after labor day, !EVIL! Trini plans on saying more than three lines of dialogue, !EVIL! Jason is going to tell his karate students not to practice every day, and !EVIL! Zack is going to ask out a white girl.
Before enacting those devious schemes, the !Ranger Teens! head into the hallway of Angel Grove High armed with all sorts of tools. They set their sights on a water fountain while cramming an anonymous nerd into a locker. Bulk and Skull get an eyeful of the new and improved !teens! and start getting their chub on at the sight of someone as needlessly cruel as them. Skull asks !Kim! if she wants to catch the submarine races with him tonight, which sounds like the shittiest date ever. What does that even mean?
Oh.
Wow, that's actually pretty funny for Power Rangers. What's even better is !Kim's! reaction, "Sure sweet lips, gimme a call." Now let's not forget that this is a Putty saying those things. Is this the Putties way of ruining Kim's reputation by engaging in heavy petting with Skull, or does this Putty just really want to jump Skull's bones? Either way, it ends with Skull creaming himself while stammering. Skull hitting on an evil version of Kimberly who accepts his advances while leaving him dumbfounded? That sounds familiar!
While !Billy! uses his crowbar to bust open the water fountain, a 35 year old passing as a high school nerd tries to greet him. The unsuspecting nerd gets met with a nice G rated locker shove, as !Billy! tells him, "Pasta La Pizza Baby!" Looks like Billy is going to have his reputation wrecked for making horrendously embarrassing and unfunny pop culture references!
!Trini! dumps a shitload of baking soda into the drinking fountain before the Twin Man and his disguised cronies hit the skids. Principal Caplan soon goes to wet his whistle at the fountain when we get to see this glorious prank unfold.
It must have taken enormous restraint to not knock his wig off too.
A bunch of students walk in and cackle at their principal, because he's a complete joke and everyone knows it. Mr. Caplan sees the five !Ranger Teens! cackling and sentences them to detention for wearing sunglasses inside the school.
Finally the five real Ranger Teens show up to witness the efforts of Rita's wicked machinations. She got a school official covered in goop and made him slip and fall. The Ranger Teens offer to help him up, but he tells them they need to get their happy asses into detention PDQ. This is all well and good to make the Ranger Teens look like shit, but I'm starting to wonder if Rita has any idea that her adversaries are required to keep their superpowers a secret.
So why doesn't the Twin Man get rid of the Power Rangers by spilling the beans? When Rita turned Tommy into a Ranger she informed him he was forbidden from letting people know he was a Power Ranger, so she must have some idea that the other Rangers are under a similar restriction. The obvious answer to why she doesn't have her monster out the teens as the Power Rangers is "It would ruin the conceit of the show", but it makes me wonder if Rita wants to have the pleasure of finishing off the Rangers with some wicked space tricks instead of taking the easy way out.
Instead, Rita seems to be pleased with herself for just getting the teens in trouble. The five Ranger Teens are joined in detention by Bulk and Skull, naturally. Jason tries to protest that he and his cohorts couldn't have had part in any prank, because they were all busy volunteering at the quadriplegic orphanage. Mr. Caplan refuses to listen to his students because he's tenured so what does he give a fuck? Bulk and Skull tell the principal to get out so they can get some hi-jinks in while he's gone.
Bulk immediately tells Jason to get the out of his private chair, to which Jason responds quite 90'sly, "Do I see your name on it?" Bulk shoves Jason's binder aside to reveal a reasonable payoff to that gag.
MAJIN BUULK IS AT FULL POWER!!!
Bulk spells out his name, making sure that everyone in the back row got this joke. Then just in case the audience is too stupid to know what letters mean, Trini helpfully points out that he didn't spell his name right. WOW TRINI, CAN'T PASS ONE OVER ON YOU CAN WE? Man, that line is so terrible it actually made me enjoy that gag less. You couldn't just settle for explaining it once could you? Thanks for nothing Power Rangers.
Skull makes disgusting chewing noises behind Kim's ear and asks if she still wants to give him an embarrassing handjob tonight. Kim declines and tells him to get real. I know we should be happy that Skull has been effectively humiliated, but look at this from his perspective. He hit on an exact duplicate (plus shades) of this girl not 10 minutes ago. She responded to his pathetic advances with "I'D LOVE TO SLAP OFF YOUR MEDICALLY HILARIOUS PENIS." Upon asking if Kim still wants to date him, he's told to sit his shrimpy dick back down and fuck off. Skull's second hand embarrassment game is second to none.
Bulk starts to unpack the lunch that his mom packed him for his detention; a sentence that says volumes about the character. The show treats us to a sped up montage of Bulk pulling a bunch of food from his dinky lunch box, including a massive sandwich that couldn't have possibly fit inside it. It's a fun visual gag, aside from the fact it's based on nothing but the script forcing you to remember that BULK IS A FUCKING FAT PIG AND HE EATS FOOD ALL THE TIME. WHAT A FATTY FATTY TWO BY FOUR. FATSO. I cannot put enough emphasis on how good of a sport Paul Schrier must be to do scenes like this.
Skull mugs at Bulk and asks him for food because his parents only feed him knuckle sandwiches for breakfast. Bulk begrudgingly gives Skull a soda, which lightly explodes in his face. Seriously, it's one of the absolute weakest soda sprayings I've ever seen. You don't even laugh at Skull, you laugh at the director who clearly didn't care.
Soda spray Wish the next scene was him wringing out the jacket over his mouth.
Kimberly laughs because apparently that was supposed to be amusing, and Skull chases her around the detention hall to make her fall in love with him. Needless to say, the scene ends with Bulk throwing a pie in Skull's face.
While the Rangers wallow in detention, the Twin Man and his goons have morphed into !Power Rangers! and are terrorizing the city. Red Ranger starts firing his Blade Blaster wildly into a crowd of civilians, while the rest of his crew knock a bunch of extras around. Pink swings a lawn chair around, Black blasts a car, Blue harasses a civilian, and Yellow is ignored. Man even the Twin Man knows the Rangers pecking order.
While the Rangers mope around in their solitary confinement, Bulk is stoked to see it's time for his favorite cartoon to come on. Bulk whips out a portable T.V. to watch whatever cartoon Saban owned the rights to and could afford showing. Billy notes that these two bullies are a fascinating look into Neanderthal behavior patterns. Sorry we can't all watch "Planet Earth" and Bill Nye like you dweeb.
After a prolonged scene of Bulk and Skull giggling at a bulldog running, a breaking news bulletin interrupts the cartoon to say that the Power Rangers have now joined the forces of evil. That or the entire city is full of monsters in disguise, we can't be sure yet. The Ranger Teens are flabbergasted to see their good friends the Power Rangers fucking up a bunch of loser pedestrians like that. Jason almost blows their cover by saying "We...I mean the Power Rangers wouldn't do that." Thankfully Bulk and Skull are comically ignorant of everything around them, so they don't catch on to incredibly obvious Freudian slips.
The newscaster makes the point that the Power Rangers are now behaving like the hoodlums they once put out of business. Wait what? Hoodlums? The Power Rangers weren't stopping bank robberies and purse snatchings. They were stopping fucking chicken monsters and giant spinning wheels. Hoodlums? Is that what you went to journalism school for? To refer to space monsters as hoodlums? Hoodlums. You idiot.
Inexplicably, Bulk and Skull respond to the chaos with joy. This leaves me so baffled. I get that they're comically inept dummies, but why are they excited at wanton destruction. It's not like they're pipe bomb building anarchists trying to dismantle the system. They're just a pair of dipshits who guzzle pizzas and fall into messes. What would they care? It's like the show never took the main focus, the Power Rangers, and asked themselves what their characters would think about them.
Zordon and Alpha notice their slaves have gone berserk on Angel Grove without being granted permission first. Alpha refuses to believe his best friends are on a rampage, and Zordon agrees. He would have blown up the bombs he sewed into their suits if those were his Rangers. The wise mentor informs Alpha 5 this must be Rita's plan, and she's sunk to a new low this time. Because she's making your guys look bad? You have some shitty priorities Zordon.
Now the Ranger Teens are in a bit of a pickle. They have to stop the Twin Man's Ranger brigade but they're stuck in detention. They could just morph and teleport out of there, but Bulk and Skull are there and would learn their secret identities. It's actually a good set-up, and one of the few times the writers have done much of anything with the Rangers struggling with keeping their identity as superheroes on the DL. Kim decides to make a break for it as Bulk and Skull roll their eyes. They've played this game before and they know how it ends.
Amy Jo tries desperately to escape the franchise.
Another news report comes on to discuss the fake Ranger crisis by showing recycled footage of the earlier news report. That moron newsman from earlier informs us that all attempts at stopping the Power Rangers have failed. Mostly because the police realized some of the Rangers might be white and fled. The Ranger Teens have to do something, or else people might connect the fact that they were acting evil the same day the Power Rangers were acting evil.
Zack proposes an idea to outsmart the bullies so they can save the day. Presumably it involves morphing while they're busy giggling like idiots at their cartoons. Zack offers to show the duo some magic tricks, and I'm pretty amazed. This sounds like some dumb thing the show gave Zack for no reason, but it actually has some precedent. If you told me the coolest member of the Ranger Teens routinely practiced magic I'd call you a filthy liar. He's the Penn to Trini's Teller, since she never has anything to say.
Zack promises Bulk he can make the Ranger Teens disappear. All they have to do is cover their eyes, plug their ears, and count backwards from 10. You could have just told them to count backwards from 20 and kept them busy for the rest of the day. As Bulk and Skull struggle to count backwards from 10 because the show had to find more ways to ineptify them, the Rangers morph into action. Jason makes sure to scream out "IT'S MORPHIN' TIME!" just in case someone across the hall wasn't covering their ears at the time.
Instead of the Power Rangers appearing downtown and posing, we see the !Red Ranger! menacing a woman with his Power Sword. Before he's able to strike, we see that the editor was hard at work forgetting to take shots out today.
Some brave citizen hit the fake Red with a prop from off screen!
So that's supposed to be the Rangers dramatic entrance right? Nope! Cause the Power Rangers hop in and start doing their thing after the !Rangers! just got attacked by that mystery sword. So it literally can't be anything but the editor fucking up and leaving meaningless scenes in. Congrats!
Meanwhile, Bulk and Skull have gotten sick of trying to learn how to count, and see that the Ranger Teens are gone. Bulk immediately asks Skull what he did with the Rangers, having familiarity with his partner's penchant for burying his personally desecrated corpses. When Skull sees his favorite gal and her bosom buddies aren't there anymore, he begins looking around the small room with Bulk to try and find five full sized young adults that must be hiding somewhere.
While the idiots are busy, we cut back to the fight and get a glorious Ranger VS !Ranger! counterpart fight. You get to see all five Rangers fighting someone who's matching their style blow for blow. While the two Kimberly's fight each other, one of them calls out for Trini's help. The Yellow Ranger sees a chance to remain relevant and leaps into the fight, knocking one of the Pink Rangers away. Pink thanks her the only way she knows how.
Girls only need one role model around here sweetheart.
Oh no! Trini saved !Kim! Watch out Trini you're gonna get a collapsed trachea. The real Kim ignores the sucker punch Trini just gave her, and kindly shoots an arrow right into the fake Kimberly's face. The force of the attack knocks !Kim! back, reverting her into a Putty. Now who's going to blow Skull tonight?! Thanks a lot Kim!
Trini thanks Kim for being more effective at this superhero shit than she is, and hucks her Power Daggers at the fake Yellow Ranger, turning her into a Putty as well. While the girls reconcile, Billy combats his double as they both use their Power Lance. The OG Billy gains the upper hand and guts the fake with his weapon, turning him into a Putty like the other two. For all the shit the Twin Man can do with disguises he sure doesn't know how to make a Putty durable.
Zack combats his clone before hurling him off a balcony and cutting him down with his Power Axe. This fight starts to lose a bit of steam when you realize you don't know which Ranger is fake and which Ranger is real until one of them gets hit and turns into a Putty. I love mirror matches as much as the next guy but when all I'm hearing is two Zack's grunting I don't know which one to cheer for.
Jason is locked in mortal combat with his doppelganger, as both Reds use their Power Sword to fight each other. Again, you don't know if Jason's in trouble or not because there's no way to discern which of the Rangers is fake. Maybe they should have made the !Rangers! wear some bitchin' shades to make it more clear. Jason apparently gains the upper hand before kicking his double out into the field, revealing him to be the devious Twin Man.
Sure took your sweet time showing up didn't you?
With his mimic game compromised, the Twin Man tries blasting the Rangers with an energy whip from his diamond pimp cane. When that doesn't do much, he uses a cheap looking kaleidoscope effect to disorient and blast the Power Rangers. The Rangers refuse to lose to a pile of mirrors and leap into the Tower Formation to blast Twin Man. Remember the Tower Formation? That only worked once? Now it's strong enough to critically wound monsters. Especially shitty ones that only show up for a minute and a half.
The Power Rangers assemble the Power Blaster for the first time in 14 episodes and blow away Twin Man. Yeah, that's it. Rita doesn't bother making him grow because he's a total fucking chump that everyone in the audience is going to forget the second they turn this episode off.
As the Rangers pose triumphant, a group of civilians run up and thank them for murdering those people that looked just like them. Suddenly a full news crew pops up and says how amazing the Power Rangers are, and that they really AREN'T hoodlums. What a nice clean finish for the Power Rangers. They're cleared of all wrong doings! It sure is a shame that the Ranger Teens reputation is incapable of being fixed, and Principal Caplan will never look at them the same way again. So much for resolving that.
Bulk and Skull continue looking all throughout the room in an attempt to find the magical vanishing teenagers, but their search comes up short. It might have something to do with them wasting time looking in drawers and cabinets, either that or there's some wizardry afoot. The bullies decide to get the Ranger Teens in even deeper shit by turning them in to Mr. Caplan, who inexplicably finds it hard to believe that they magically vanished.
As the bullies try and coax Caplan into the room, the Ranger Teens teleport back into the detention office and take their seats. Thank God they picked that exact second to teleport because if they hadn't then their whole cover would be blown. Guess you can always count on Bulk and Skull to do something stupid. Caplan says if he looks in that room and finds them in there, the bullies will be doing detention until they're 50. Skull says he can handle another 2 years, and manages to provoke an authentic laugh from me.
Mr. Caplan sees that Bulk and Skull were full of shit, punishes them, and the bullies are left perplexed. The Ranger Teens refuse to answer their question of how they did their trick, and the episode ends as they make this face.
Bulk and Skull Hilarious
Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Incompetent Newsmen
Personal Thoughts:
This is an episode I saw several times when I was a kid. Why? I'm not quite sure. It's not amazing, but I'd say it's good overall with some great Bulk and Skull moments. The thing that this episode was lacking most was all in terms of action.
A fight between an evil team of Rangers and the main team is a very common trend in this series, but this is one of the weakest examples of the trend. Typically the evil Rangers have something to distinguish them from the originals. Scarves, gloves, etc. When you make the fakes and the originals identical, you wreck the tension and make it a lot less engaging. It may sound crazy, but there's going to be a much better example of Ranger VS. Ranger fighting later this season. Hold on to your hats.
Did you know there was a monster in this episode? Yeah I forgot too. His name was Twin Man, and he's the biggest non-entity this side of the Giant. Man, the Giant probably had more screen time than this joker does. Twin Man shows up at the very end, and spends most of his time in the form of Jason or the Red Ranger. He's so forgettable it hurts.
The only thing memorable about the Twin Man is questionable at best. It's been claimed that the Twin Man is voiced by Bryan "Hal from Malcolm in the Middle" Cranston. Much like Snizard was early in the season. Honestly? I don't think that's entirely accurate. The Twin Man sounds much more like Pudgy Pig's voice actor Dave Mallow. However that would mean the great minds over at Ranger Wiki made a mistake; an absurd notion to say the least.
I was reading through the script for this episode, which usually contains cut lines that are nothing but groaners that never deserve to see the light of day. For example: this script had some awful chatty dialogue during the fight between Billy and !Billy! where the Blue Ranger outsmarts his double by literally outsmarting him. He mocks the clone by saying it could never answer a bunch of stupid ass math problems and then finishes him off by doing the whole "pound of feathers is the same weight as a pound of iron" gag. Hardee Har Har.
However, there was a line cut from this script that absolutely should have stayed. Cut literally anything from this episode to include it, because it was that good. I'll let you fine folks read for yourself.
That right there? Some of the most self aware and intelligent writing I've ever seen come out of this show. It's acknowledging every gripe I have about these characters being a bunch of goody goody dorks and poking fun at them for it. It's mocking them for holding themselves to obscenely high standards and I think that's fun as can be. The Rangers most vile crimes are completely mundane dreck which is actually really funny. I can't even fathom who got their nipples in a twist over taking a jab at these characters. If you can cram in 4 fat jokes about Paul Schrier every week, maybe it's okay to goof on yourselves a little bit too.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Jul 16, 2015 4:58:38 GMT
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Episode 39: Doomsday Part 1
Ignore that foreboding title of today's episode, because we have cause to celebrate! Is it Christmas? Nope! Is it Father's Day? Not yet! Is it President's Day? That was yesterday you fucking moron. Uh uh, this is going to be better than all those days put together AND ten Super Bowls; because it's POWER RANGERS DAY!!!
The Mayor of Angel Grove has declared an official Power Rangers Day to thank the Rangers for sending burning chunks of monster hurtling towards the city every week. Kimberly reads about this momentous occasion in the newspaper, having overlooked this week's excellent edition of Mallard Fillmore. The Ranger Teens play it cool while beaming about how this city is going to suck their dicks for doing karate against rubber pigs.
Kimberly informs her friends that there's going to be a big celebration in Angel Grove Park, and the Rangers will hopefully be the guests of honor. Nobody in the city knows who or what the Power Rangers are, but they're now invited into the middle of the park for a nice evening of punch and pie.
So Angel Grove is going to fly a banner in the middle of the park and hope the Power Rangers show up? What if there's a monster attacking your city during this event you dipshits? Maybe your magical superheroes have more important things to do than make small talk about the Patriot's defense.
Meanwhile, the Stupid Train rolls into station as Skull asks Bulk what he's planning to do today. The same thing we try to do every day Skully, try to get cake all over our face. On top of that, Bulk wants to steal a bit of the Power Rangers thunder by showcasing the other superheroes in this city. I dunno who they're talking about since Masked Rider isn't going to move there for a couple years, and I'm pretty sure the Beetleborgs are still infants.
Rita starts spitting some sick magic at her crystal ball with the intention on showing up to the Ranger's party. Baboo, since he has no social cues, asks if they'll be able to get some Swedish meatballs. You have been part of this outfit for nearly a year Baboo, do you really think you're going to go to a BBQ for your mortal enemies to savor some fucking appetizers? God you worthless simpering space chimp.
Rita plans to use all of the tricks illusions to summon Goldar's personalized Zord, Cyclopsis. Lightning strikes her altar as she screams out more spells. You can tell Repulsa is putting her weight into this plan. Whenever she busts out her altar, you know she means business. This time though, Rita's not doing a bunch of gallivanting around while talking about how brilliant her plan's gonna be. She's ready to send Goldar to go kick some ass as soon as possible.
Without further ado, we get to see Angel Grove's method of rolling out the red carpet for the Power Rangers. It's a bunch of colorful balloon tubes strung up like a fair or something. There's a big blown up picture of the Power Rangers used as a backdrop for a stage, but otherwise it's tubes all the way down. Way to make your saviors feel welcome. You built them a trailer park carnival.
Jason and Zack check out all their adoring fans when Zack sees that girl he wants to pork, Angela. He goes up to her and very sincerely asks her out for a date. No machismo bullshit, no dick swinging too cool for school junk. Just a genuine "Let's do this." Angela turns his black balls blue when she says she might date him if he were a Power Ranger, then walks off.
Zack begs Jason to hurry up and suit up, presumably so the Black Ranger can inform Angela about a friend of his named Zack. A really cool dude packing a solid 8 and a half. Jason tells his buddy to cool his cock and hang back. He informs Zack the longer they spend time in the crowd, the less likely it is for people to suspect them of being the Power Rangers. I fucking cherish that.
I love when this show touches on the Rangers working to keep their identities a secret and makes a point to have them purposefully mislead people into thinking they're just ordinary teenagers. It's surprising how little the idea of secret identities have been touched on in the show so far, but it's always a welcome touch.
Billy, Trini, and Kim notice all the adults they sort of know in the crowd. They see Miss Applebee, Ernie, and that's it. It shows how few running characters this show really has when the Ranger Teens can only recognize two people in a crowd of anonymous yokels.
Speaking of running characters, Kimberly wonders where Tommy is. Trini tells her to shut the fuck up and never mention him again, because he's dead to them now. Kim insists that he'll definitely show up to a celebration full of reminders of the amazing life he's had to leave behind. Where he'll see all the adoration he'll never have from loving fans of his heroic deeds. Then he'll kick the chair out from under his feet and go swingin'.
Bulk and Skull show up to the loser festival and get ready to unveil Angel Grove's newest superhero team. The duo slip into a photo booth as they tear each other's clothes off, have a quick fuck, and then get into costume. I'm postulating the screwing because it's behind the curtain, but this show makes you have to read between the lines. Enough bully banging though, because it's time to meet Angel Gr-oh my god.
Bulkster Super Skull Still look better than the Toqger suits.
These two are the Incredible Bulkster and Super Skull, and sweet fucking lord what can I possibly say about these two? Just look at them! The backwards B's, the trash bag codpiece, Skull's stapled together chest piece. It's beautiful.
The morons stampede through the crowd while passing by the Ranger Teens, who delay their grand entrance because they want to see these two humiliate themselves. This is another moment I like. No tricking Bulk and Skull into doing anything, just seeing a train wreck about to happen and sitting back to watch it unfold. It's a natural response to this situation and actually makes the Ranger Teens look like human beings. Maybe it's just because I empathize with them and want to see Bulk and Skull shame themselves too.
Bulkster and Super Skull take the stage to introduce themselves to the adoring population. This is it you guys. Bulk and Skull are about to look like assholes in front of the entire city. This is what their character arc has been building to. I'm at half mast right now. Bulkster gives a speech to a bunch of mortified members of the community about how he and his partner have just moved into town, and are not those two handsome gentlemen that are always guzzling pizzas and dumping dweebs into trash cans.
The crowd is less than enthused for some reason, and a group of kids ask to see the dipshit duo's superpowers. Not one to let the crowd down, the Hamburgler and Super Skunk launch into their routine, and what a routine it is.
Bulkster and Super Skull That backdrop of the Power Rangers silently judges them.
Rita prepares to put her plan into motion as Goldar asks for her command to send all of Angel Grove into another dimension. She takes a moment to laugh, presumably watching Bulk and Skull demolish their self worth on stage, and then says she's ready.
The crowd is left in hysterics by Bulk and Skull mongoloiding around on the stage, when all the laughs abruptly stop as they disappear in clouds of energy. The citizens assume since it looked so terrible, it must have been part of their act, but suddenly the entire crowd blanks out in energy clouds and disappears. The only people left in the crowd are, of course, the Ranger Teens.
Y'know what? This is a really dark plan and I'm all about it. Rita's waging psychological warfare when the Ranger Teens are about to feel most appreciated by taking away all of the people they've been protecting. It's like she's telling them that all the work they've done to rescue the city doesn't mean shit to her when she can just wave her wand and take their friends away from them.
The Ranger Teens call Zordon in a panic and ask to know what the hell is going on, and where their punch and pie went. Zordon informs them a giant energy beam from the moon has taken all of the citizens, to which Kimberly deduces it must be Rita. Wow Kimberly, why does everyone think Billy's the smart one when we've got you figuring out these mysteries?
Zordon surmises that Rita's planning on bringing her palace to the Earth to increase her magical abilities. So all you nitpicky idiots out there wondering why she doesn't do super powerful magic all the time (me), this is why. Shut up.
Rita tells the Moon Crew to get ready because they're about to take a trip to Earth. Squatt asks if he needs to pack a bathing suit, particularly one that hides his thunder. Goldar tells him he'd look better in a two piece, and that with the palace on Earth Cyclopsis will be ready to destroy the Power Rangers. Rita's palace quakes as it dislodges from the Moon and lands on Earth. Once it lands atop a building, Rita fires a beam at the Earth to summon the mighty Warzord Cyclopsis.
Cyclopsis gif Why does he have a beak on his chest?
Alpha 5 is rightfully freaking out, because with Rita's palace on Earth her magic is ten times stronger. Sure hope she doesn't send down some Putties with that magic, they might take us more than 40 seconds to beat! Alpha is also shaking in his robot boots to see Cyclopsis for the first time in 10,000 years. Remember how Rita got locked away by Zordon 10,000 years ago? This guy must have been her last ditch effort to prevent it. Oh my God this episode is hyping me so good right now.
The Rangers realize nobody's going to cheer for a wrecked town, so they morph and immediately bring the Megazord downtown. Jason notices that Goldar's now in the driver's seat of Cyclopsis ready to fuck up their day.
Cyclopsis cockpit
HighTechSpaceCockpit.jpg
The Rangers try to formulate a plan against the giant robot, but Cyclopsis starts stomping forward ready to ruin some Rangers. Megazord isn't even able to fight back as Cyclopsis punches the shit out of it and knocks the Rangers around the city. Goldar's Zord unleashes a bunch of artillery from its shoulders and rains fire on the Megazord. Goldar would you cool it?! Do this on any other day but today's Power Rangers Day!
After knocking the Megazord over, Cyclopsis blasts the city with red lightning, causing buildings to explode in a flurry of sparks and cardboard. That's what buildings are made of right?
Megazord tries to get back up but the Cyclopsis beating has the robot laid out. The Rangers have been fighting this thing for all of a minute and it's already got them fucking wrecked. They manage to get the Megazord back on its feet only to get met with Cyclopsis' fists once more. The Megazord lands one hit, but the Cyclopsis fires a massive beam and blasts the hell out of the Zords. Jason realizes enough is enough and it's time to summon the Dragonzord.
The lumbering Dinozord blasts Cyclopsis with its missile fingers, but the Warzord keeps coming forward to strike. Dragonzord and Megazord try to double team Cyclopsis but Goldar's Zord hasn't even begun to fight. Cyclopsis raises its hands which seems to telekinetically hold the Megazord in place. Cyclopsis then uses its telekinesis to lift the Megazord into the air, and hurls it downtown, causing it to burst with sparks. Keep in mind the Rangers have hit Cyclopsis twice so far, and it's barely even flinched. The Rangers are being made into total fucking jabronis against this thing and I can't get enough of it.
Jason realizes how bad his team is getting spanked so he forms the Dragonzord in Battle Mode to go toe to toe with Cyclopsis. During the Dragonzord Battle Mode's formation, the Power Rangers theme doesn't come on. By now I've learned that's code for "Holy shit this isn't about to go well." Dragonzord and Tyrannosaurus pair up and prepare to tackle Cyclopsis. The T-Rex shows Goldar it has a little magic of its own!
Hey remember the T-Rex's ground breath attack? Well now it looks terrible!
Since the Tyrannosaurus' magic dust didn't work, Dragonzord tries launching its horn at Cyclopsis, but the Warzord easily deflects it back with its psychic powers. After firing another barrage of bullets from its shoulders, Cyclopsis knocks the Dragonzord Battle Mode to the ground. Cyclopsis begins using its gigantic feet to stomp on the grounded Dragonzord while Rita cheers her boy on. This evil space empress is flowing like the Mississippi and if Goldar doesn't finish this right now she's gonna fucking freak.
The T-Rex Dinozord tries to guard Dragonzord from Cyclopsis which works as well as everything has for the Rangers today. Cyclopsis launches its fists at the Dinozords and lifts them up by their necks. The Zords burst with electricity as Goldar prepares to finish the Rangers off once and for all, and through the darkness we hear a single voice ring out.
Zordon: TITANUS! POWER UP: ULTRAZORD!
The fucking big daddy himself just brought Titanus into the fight. He realized how badly the rangers were losing and summoned Titanus for the Rangers. ZORDON did that. He's never had to do that before but he just saved their goddamn skins. All the disastrous fights they've had before and Zordon has sat quietly, but this time they were doomed without him. There is NOTHING more hype than this. Man...MAN.
The Rangers use this brief moment to collect themselves and bring the Zords back to their feet. Jason realizes this is their only chance and brings all of the Zords together to make the Ultrazord. Cyclopsis reels as he gazes upon the Zords ultimate combination. The Rangers use their artillery to blast the Warzord, as Goldar retreats from the cockpit before becoming a crispy critter.
Cyclopsis explosion Get your head in the game Cyclopsis!
Rita is fucking PISSED. She had a Warzord ready to blow up Angel Grove, she had the whole city at her mercy, she almost killed those stupid kids who always mess up her plans, she was this close to finally getting off for the first time in 3000 years and that cocksucking brachiosaurus just ruined everything. Not anymore, because she's going to make that son of a bitch wish it was never born. She blasts Titanus with energy from her wand that makes the ground underneath him turn into a sinkhole.
The Megadragonzord realizes she's trying to take their trump card away and tries to pull Titanus out of the ground. Rita blasts those chumps with her wand, causing them to let go of their ally. Titanus continues sinking into the ground and roaring before it's completely underground. Just when you think the Rangers could go try and dig Titanus up, a massive explosion happens over the dirt, presumably demolishing the massive Zord forever.
Just when you'd think things can't get any worse, Rita emerges on Earth and starts chanting another spell. Her spell starts connecting with a massive tower that's there because the editor didn't feel like removing it. The Editors's Folly Tower fires beams into the sky to summon who else but the mighty Lokar!
He looked so chill until he realized he was on Earth again.
Well shit. Now Rita's got a leg up on the Rangers again! Without the Ultrazord how can the Rangers hope to beat Lokar? Last time he showed up he completely wrecked the team!
The Ranger Teens head to the Command Center and ask Zordon what they can do to take on Lokar now. Zordon says they need to slow their roll because the Zords are still charging after the ass whooping they got last fight. Zordon tells the Rangers if they lose this battle, all the civilians Rita's captured will be lost inside Rita's dimensional vortex forever. All isn't lost though, since the Rangers have already demolished the mighty Cyclopsis, so they still have a chance!
Well fuck.
TO BE CONTINUED.
Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: The Incredible Bulkster and Super Skull
Personal Thoughts:
Dunno if you guys noticed but I really love this episode. It's such goddamn fun I can't even stand it. Cyclopsis is like the foil to the Megazord that Green Ranger was to the Power Rangers. He's just such a powerful force that he completely dominates during his fight scenes. I can't recommend this as a first watch though. This is an episode you should check out after seeing plenty of the series, and then let this be the payoff. It's that damn good. Don't even get me started on next week's episode, because oh man. Just wait.
So what is it that helps make this episode so good? For starters, this is actually the finale in Zyuranger. Naturally it's going to have some pretty tense action in it. Doomsday Part 1 and 2 are actually compressed down from four episodes of Zyuranger. That could be a total mess, but a lot of the footage in those episodes were civilian scenes of the Zyurangers; making them completely unusable for the show.
Also interesting to note is that in Zyuranger, the pilot of Cyclopsis was not Goldar, but Rita's deceased son Kai. The finale explained that the reason Rita's Japanese counterpart hated dinosaurs was because dinosaurs had killed her son when he was messing with their eggs long ago. She sold her soul to Satan (Lokar), and went on to scheme about killing kids. Satan brings Kai back to Earth so he can inhabit Cyclopsis, and the finale begins.
Why this kid wearin' a scouter tho?
Originally this episode was supposed to take place on the Ranger Teens High School prom, not some bullshit holiday for the Power Rangers. That isn't the only change to the first draft of Doomsday though, as originally Power Rangers was going to adapt Kai as their own character named Bubba.
I'm not really sure if Bubba was going to be Rita's kid or what his deal was since nobody has posted the script for Doomsday Part 1. I'll talk more about it next week, but I think making Goldar the Cyclopsis pilot was a significantly better choice than dubbing over a Japanese kid.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Jul 16, 2015 4:59:15 GMT
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Episode 40: Doomsday Part 2
Last week, the Rangers were having a hell of a rough day. The citizens of Angel Grove put on a big party to celebrate the Power Rangers and their continued massacre of stupid looking guys in rubber suits. Before the festivities could get going, Rita banished the rest of Angel Grove into another dimension. Using some of her strongest magic, she summoned Goldar's super powered Warzord, Cyclopsis.
The Rangers caught an ass whooping from the mighty mech before blowing it to Hell with Titanus and the Ultrazord. Rita buried Titanus underground and blew him to pieces before summoning her old pal Lokar and reviving Cyclopsis with her magic. Even worse, she didn't RSVP Lokar as a plus one for Power Ranger Day so now they'll have to order another pizza.
The Ranger Teens gaze upon the restored Cyclopsis inside the Viewing Globe and realize just how badly Rita has them hornswoggled. If they don't beat Cyclopsis, the denizens of Angel Grove will remain trapped in Rita's dimensional vortex for the rest of their mundane lives. Wait a second! It looks like Rita's spell didn't work that well, some Japanese people appear perplexed by this Cyclopsis situation.
The Zyurangers visit to America ends in tragedy.
Billy tells Jason the Zords have been critically ravaged by Cyclopsis and it's going to take 12 hours to bring them up to full power. Jason mulls the options for about three seconds before telling Billy they'll take the Zords at half power. If the acting were better, this would be a pretty dramatic moment. As it stands Jason just looks like he's wondering if he wants extra pepperoni on his pizza pie.
Billy politely informs his commander that his idea sounds fucking ridiculous and Cyclopsis is going to shithouse their dinosaur robots. The rest of the Ranger Teens sound off that if they don't fight back now, their city is going to get demolished by Rita's forces, and desecrated by Squatt's "hobbies." The Ranger Teens are afraid if they don't finish Cyclopsis here and now, the citizens may be lost forever. We have no reason to think that's true since the writers haven't established a ticking clock, but let's pretend that they did to make this more dramatic.
Zordon says this has never been tried before, outside of the Ranger team in '75 who chose suicide over weekly battles with a space witch. The Rangers don't back down, and prepare to launch into what could very well be their final battle with Repulsa. They morph straight to the Megazord to defend the city against Goldar's upgraded Cyclopsis. As soon as they show up, Lokar spews a tornado of wind from his mouth that sends the Megazord spiraling back, where Cyclopsis waits for our heroes.
The Warzord unleashes massive blades from its wrists and prepares to cut down the Rangers while they're on the ground. The Megazord fires some energy at Goldar's Zord to show that they aren't going down without a fight. No matter what may happen they'll stand against Rita's evil forces until the bitter end and they won't be defeated by any enemy. No matter how strong or dangerous.
Hypothetically speaking
The unarmed Megazord is caught underneath Cyclopsis' foot, ready to lose its head next. The Rangers fire the Megazord's Cranial Laser to knock the Warzord back a few steps, but it's clear that Goldar is still raring to go. Kim yells out that the Megazord's shields are down and they're in serious trouble. That's what happens when you put all your shield programs in the left arm Zordon!
Jason uses the Dragon Dagger to summon Dragonzord to help out. Dragonzord tries whipping Cyclopsis with its tail, but he appears to get locked down by Cyclopsis' wrist hands and has his drill tail hacked off. Don't worry though! The Rangers can just summon Titanus and...oh that's right. He's dead. Well at least they tried their best.
Lokar tilts his head and fires electricity from his hair, because all a floating head can do for attacks are electric hair, eye beams, and mouth tornados. The Zords fidget as they're blasted by the giant space devil and remain absolutely unable to fight back. The Megazord's weapons are offline and the machine is left unable to move. Out of nowhere, Lokar actually talks and says the Rangers are all Rita's. It says a lot about me that I saw a giant head blasting people with electricity from its hair, but when it started talking only then was I taken aback.
Rita looks at the chaos her monsters have caused and gets herself all worked into a tizzy over how fucked the Power Rangers are. Using her wand, Rita fires a pink beam of energy at the two downed Zords causing them to disappear piece by piece. The Megazord launches the Power Rangers out of its cockpit before it dissolves away in red energy.
The Saber Tooth Tiger didn't disappear, the show just forgot Trini existed
The Ranger Teens reappear in the park that still has all the decorations for Power Rangers Day hanging up. Jason tries to contact the Command Center but the frequency is unable to connect to either Zordon or Alpha. Billy surmises Rita's jamming their signal, or the Communicators get their service from Sprint. The other Ranger Teens wonder what the fuck happened to their Zords as Billy barfs out exposition about the Zords new defense mechanism that's never been brought up before. When they lose in battle they're sent back into hiding to re-energize.
This seems like such a lame deus ex machina that takes away all the severity of the Zords going to fight Cyclopsis at half power. They were barely able to fight back and got completely demolished, but don't worry, there's a back-up system that saved our asses and takes all the tension away from that previous fight. Granted we're talking about Power Rangers where this sort of shit happens all the time, it just rubs me the wrong way in this instance because these episodes actually seem to have stakes.
Billy rushes the rest of the Ranger Teens back to his garage where he desperately looks for a solution to their Communicator's frequencies being jammed (raspberry). The situation looks so grim that Jason decides to do the one thing that still manages to make him feel comfortable.
That's nature's pocket y'know!
Rita and her crew celebrate their apparent victory over the Power Rangers but see that the teens are still messing around as civilians. Goldar offers to personally collect the Rangers scalps. Finster notes this is the perfect opportunity to strike, not because he has anything against the Power Rangers, but because he's going to continue his sordid affair with Scorpina while Goldar is off fighting them.
While Billy tinkers with the Communicators, Goldar appears right inside Billy's garage with a couple of Putties in tow. The space dog offers some G rated threats to the Ranger Teens while cackling his balls off about how dead they're about to be. None of the Ranger Teens morph or even attempt to morph, because if they did they would easily be able to hold Goldar off. Before digging in and killing the Rangers, Goldar proves why he's such a vicious threat.
Thanks Goldar! I'd been meaning to clean that table off for months.
While Alpha 5 seeks out the Power Rangers, he realizes the Command Center's computer has locked onto Rita's palace. Since the Moon Palace is currently on Earth, Alpha's been able to hack into the databanks containing files on all of her spells. Allow me to reiterate that for the back row. Alpha 5 has hacked into Rita Repulsa's DATABANKS. With FILES containing SPELLS. That is the funniest cocksucking thing I've ever heard.
Rita Repulsa is a witch who lives on the moon and she keeps her magic spells on a goddamned hard drive? Wait no this is the 90's, she must be using floppy discs. How much size does a spell take up? What file format do you keep a spell in? Do you keep all the hoobajoob bullshit made up words in a Word document? Can I use Kazaa to download spells but it actually turns out they're pornography? Are spell files protected under the DMCA? Seriously. This dame is keeping fucking spells on her Toshiba. This show is amazing.
While Alpha hacks into the database, Billy manages to get the Communicators back online before Goldar can clean off any more of his tables. Goldy freaks out that he wasted his one chance at killing the Power Rangers as they teleport away. Goldar vanishes as well and that's the end of the scene. All I'm left wondering is why did they film this scene with a couple of Putties in the background? They didn't do anything, which is par for the course for Putties, but they didn't even have a dumb fight with the Ranger Teens. For a show this cheap, why bother hiring two guys to sit around in suits that look like Bea Arthur's asshole?
When the Rangers get back to the Command Center, Zordon tells them they might have a method of stopping Rita once and for all. Having hacked all the computers on Rita's moon base Alpha's managed to find a weakness in Cyclopsis' programming. If the Rangers can change Zord formations frequently, Cyclopsis won't be able to keep up. Also if they change formations and tell the kids at home their toys can do that too, it will weaken Cyclopsis even further. Zordon's plan is to keep changing up the formations so Cyclopsis will remain unable to keep up and become weakened. Much like the Republican Party.
Out of nowhere, we see a scene of Titanus rising from the ground and roaring, because fuck stakes. Zordon informs us he's been fully energized while the Rangers were busy getting their Zords dismembered. It's a really cheap solution that only happens now so that we can get to a new fight with Cyclopsis ASAP. It's pretty lame, but I also get all giddy over Cyclopsis fights so I can't be too pissy about it.
The Rangers morph again, ready to take down Cyclopsis. Instead of going straight for the Megazord, the Rangers fire on Cyclopsis with the Pterodactyl, Mastodon, Saber Tooth Tiger, and Triceratops Dinozords. Tyrannosaurus jumps into the battle and tussles with the Warzord, he doesn't fare too well, but after getting slashed, Jason commands the Rangers to form the Megazord.
The Megazord uses its Power Sword to trade blows with Cyclopsis, but the fight is still clearly in Goldar's favor. Jason quickly summons the Dragonzord to help out against Cyclopsis, who blasts Goldar and his Zord with missiles. The two hero Zords manage to use a little teamwork to help weaken Cyclopsis further.
Why didn't wobbly wrist blades ever catch on?
With the upper hand, the Rangers form Dragonzord in Battle Mode to keep up the pace against Cyclopsis. The fight looks to be in the Rangers favor as they punk Cyclopsis with the Dragonzord's Power Staff, but Lokar gets in on the action and blasts them with energy from his hair again. The Dragonzord Battle Mode goes careening into a building and blows it to shit. It just so happens that was the mayor's house and as soon as she finds out she's cancelling Power Rangers Day.
The Rangers call for Titanus to hopefully finish this fight once and for all. The Ultrazord is formed as Jason threatens Cyclopsis and Lokar, telling them they've had it. Instead of quivering in his chin boots, Lokar just fucking laughs in their face. It's such a great moment to cap an equally awesome Zord fight. Lokar is staring down the ultimate Zord formation and just lets them know he doesn't give a shit about them. I don't know where he keeps em, but Lokar's got a set of brass ones on him.
Just before the Rangers fire on Cyclopsis and Lokar, Goldar's system starts to overload and locks up. We don't see the cockpit sparking or flashing or anything like that, we just hear a robotic voice telling us there were too many changes, and it's now safe to turn off your Cyclopsis. Goldar is totally pissed, and with good reason.
Lokar opens a peeper to see if it's still coming.
Goldar hightails it out of the Zord before he's blown up, and the Rangers leap out of the Ultrazord for no particular reason. Back on the Moon Base, Rita is flipping her goddamned lid over how bad Goldar bungled this mission. Really Squatted the whole thing up.
Baboo stammers out a line about how he's a useless character. Finster tells Rita she can't blame him because this time it's all Goldar's fault. Atta boy Finster, don't let that old space hag tell you where to get off. Squatt says this couldn't have been his fault because he was asleep. Oh so you didn't see it and that means you aren't responsible? It's people like you who let the AIDS crisis get to where it is now Squatt. You make me fucking sick.
Goldar tells Rita there's no time to direct valid criticisms at his botch job, because they need to 23 skidoo before the Ultrazord blasts her goofy ass palace. Rita steals her subordinates idea and uses her magic to levitate the Moon Palace back home where no uppity little android is going to hack into her shit again. Serves her right for making the Wi-Fi password "themoonrules#1". As the Moon Palace flies back into the sky, Rita pointedly tells Goldar to never give her a command ever again or he's gonna have her wand so far up his ass he'll look like a dog popsicle.
Back in Angel Grove Park, the boring citizens reappear right where they'd left off with their festivities. Bulkster and Super Skull start smooching the ground they left behind while the Mayor tells the town fuck-ups to get off her stage before she exiles them to Stone Canyon. The crowd soon notices their saviors the Power Rangers have shown up to bask in the acclaim of a bunch of fat white people.
The crowd applauds their costumed heroes while the Power Rangers offer mediocre high fives to their adoring fans. A group of kids start arguing which of the Power Rangers is the best, with some dork trying to argue the Blue Ranger is the best. Who do you think you are kid? Me?
Sylvia, Trini's cousin from 300 episodes ago says she heard the Pink and Yellow Rangers are the best. We had to have a girl say that of course, cause they're girls and a boy liking girls would be super fucking gay. Then all of a sudden some guy shows up.
Excuse me sir, this party is for friends of the Power Rangers only.
He tells the onlooking children that ALL of the Power Rangers are totally awesome. Before informing the kids that the Green one had a cock like a Burmese Python.
The Rangers make their way through the crowd and upon approaching this guy chatting up all the kids, they shake his hand emphatically in what's honestly a nice moment. It's not long enough to make it look suspicious to the crowd, but the viewers at home know exactly what's going on. It's honestly pretty sweet.
The Rangers take the stage to thunderous applause as Mayor Carrington gives a speech about how great the Rangers are. They've triumphed over evil, blown up buildings, inspired kids to sign up for karate classes, sold a bunch of toys, and beaten up gray space golems. Yeah that's great and all Miss Mayor but what about Bulkster and Super Skull? They've saved your city from dignity week after week! Where's their day? It's a damn popularity contest with you people.
Later that day, Zordon congratulates the Ranger Teens for their triumphant strike against Rita and her evil forces. He then tells the Power Rangers it's time for them to make an important decision, if they wish to remain Power Rangers or return to their regular civilian lives. This is kinda sudden Zordon, where's all this shit coming from? He even informs them that the danger hasn't completely been defeated so this seems rather abrupt. Zordon's HR must be coming down on him to offer his employees a way out of his awful "career."
Jason tells Zordon there's no decision to be made, and he and his friends would love to put themselves in mortal danger against space goblins week after week, for as long as the show remains profitable. Billy says they have other crimes to protect the city from, like when someone swirlies a big nerd and then steals his lunch money. Zack then has a good line by telling Zordon "Basically, you can't get rid of us!" It probably works because Walter Jones is actually charming and can sell the material. Glad it took them forty episodes to figure that out.
Zordon says he's incredibly pleased to hear they'll be staying on board. As the blue head says; "The world is lucky to have you, and so am I." Kimberly then asks if they might be able to get paid now so they can start putting away money for college, and Zordon furrows his brow and tells them that negotiations have been closed. The Ranger Teens then mimic the ending of the first episode by putting their hands together and jumping in the air. See it's like poetry, sort of, they rhyme.
Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Spell Databanks
Personal Thoughts
I gave this episode more grief than last week's, but I really do love the Doomsday two parter. This episode was just a little choppy explaining how the Zords were beaten so badly the first time and then immediately came back online. It's understandable considering there was an unusable plot of the Zyurangers going to rescue their kidnapped Zords during the finale.
It's all worth it though since the Zord fights with Cyclopsis and Lokar were really fun, Tommy's cameo near the end was really nice to see considering how ignored he's been ever since he lost his powers, and Zordon's pride towards the Rangers are all great moments for the show. This episode definitely could have worked as a finale, which is good because that's what they intended on making it!
Originally the plan was to let the show conclude here, since they'd already used up most of the Zyuranger footage anyway. They were going to have the Rangers give up their powers after sealing away Rita in another space dumpster, using footage of the Megazord doing so in Zyuranger.
As you may have realized by now, Power Rangers became such a massive fucking success that it was decided to keep it going in the interest of making infinity dollars. However, let's not forget that Power Rangers is in a unique situation and is tied into its source material. How can the show continue if they used up all of the monster fight scenes from Zyuranger? We'll answer that pretty soon!
There's something I want to get other opinions on, and that's a difference in the Cyclopsis fight in Power Rangers compared to the Sentai fight. The idea of Cyclopsis weakening when the Rangers change Zord formations is completely a Power Rangers idea. In Sentai they were changing modes against him and just so happened to defeat him anyway. I honestly like both of these situations, and I'm not sure which works better.
The Power Rangers scenario gives an explanation as to why they can beat Cyclopsis this time around, and the Sentai scenario just has them muscle through the fight and manage a victory. Both of these work as nice conclusions to a big fight, but I'm not sure that either is objectively better. I've gone back and forth on it, but I'm curious what you folks might have to say! Do you like the heroes being given a weakness to exploit, or just going in and winning no matter what?
With regards to the final fight with Cyclopsis, you might have noticed Lokar grimacing in the gif up there and then just vanishing in the next shot. This is the last Power Rangers fans will ever see of Lokar, so what the fuck happened to him? Well maybe the follow gif was too graphic to show to American kids, but this was Lokar's ultimate fate in Zyuranger. Be warned, this is some gruesome stuff you're about to see.
Lokar death Your head a splode.
Another cool thing in the Zyuranger episode was when the Rangers went to search for their Zords who'd been sealed away by Rita's magic, they encountered four ghost monsters blocking their path. You guys know I'm a big sucker for the monsters, so stuff like this gets me all in a tizzy. Unfortunately this footage was nothing but the monsters fighting unmorphed Rangers, so there was no way they could use these scenes. To be fair, the monsters that showed up as ghosts were also some of the shittiest monsters we had all season, so it wasn't that big of a loss.
Twin Man, Some Lion Who We'll Never Talk About, Cyclops, Dark Warrior
Finally, the moment of Goldar telling Rita to retreat leads me to think of an idea the writers had about changing up the show. Since Rita's footage was limited to Zyuranger and they had an American Goldar suit, they wanted to have Goldar usurp Rita from the throne at some point and take charge of the Moon Crew. This would grant them more freedom in villain plots and help keep things fresh. That actually sounds like a cool idea, and while it never came to pass, keep it in mind for the upcoming season.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Aug 17, 2015 0:48:54 GMT
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Episode 41: Rita's Seed of Evil
Last week we concluded a pulse pounding battle with a devastating foe the Power Rangers were barely able to defeat. This week the Ranger Teens will be fighting an enemy even more dangerous; deforestation.
Today the Ranger Teens are growing plants for a school project, and causing me to fall asleep just writing about it. Principal Caplan says the seeds they've planted look so good, they're ready to be planted in the park. Why the principal of the school would be observing this and not an actual teacher is anyone's guess.
Zack gets giddy at the prospect of providing the environment with clean air and fresh oxygen. Why are they giving this line to Zack? Isn't Trini the one who's supposed to be environmentally conscious? For once would this fucking show just give that poor girl something to say when it's organic to the miniscule character she's been given?
After some more discussion on why the rainforest is totally tubular, Bulk and Skull stink their way out of the shadows. Bulk offers a mocking rendition of "Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary" to ask how the nerds make their garden grow. For the little they give Trini, they sure flesh Bulk out by making him a fan of 18th century children's poetry. Jason informs his fat nemesis that the reason their plants grow so tall is due to Billy's "Special Fertilizer." The bullies are left perplexed why the Ranger Teens would use food to help plants grow.
Bulk and Skull then show off their own special breed of plant, complete with price tags. Kimberly points out that Bulk and Skull are so goddamned stupid, they bought a pair of plastic trees for this project. Though they apparently got them at quite a bargain ringing in at 19.95 apiece. 19.95? Remember the good old days when prices didn't end in .99? Now they're charging us an extra four cents for our shitty fake trees! Thanks Obama.
After Kimberly offers a groaner of a "not" joke, Bulk asks Skull why he didn't take the price tags off of their trees? Now they look like total idiots in front of their best friends the Ranger Teens! Bulk chases Skull around like a big dumb dog before some mundane hijinx ensue.
Bulk just got his green wings.
Rita takes notice of the Rangers botanical efforts and concocts a new scheme. Goldar will send Squatt down to Earth to plant the seeds of her mighty Octoplant monster. The Octoplant's seeds will grow until the monster becomes so powerful that its tentacles will wrap around the Earth and completely destroy it.
This idea sounds pretty foolproof, but you're sending Squatt down to do it? How bad do you want this plan to go belly-up? When you send Squatt to Earth the only time it can be declared a success is when he doesn't break a woman's neck by petting her hair too hard. Then Baboo takes him down to the Moon River and promises he can tend to the Putty Farm before blowing his brains out.
While Rita's forces plot, the Ranger Teens plot, trees that is! No seriously that's all we're doing today. Planting trees. We get a tedious montage of them doing just that, and the montage would be completely worthless if not for the absolutely incredible 90's rock that plays over it. Of course when I say incredible, you good folks know by now I mean terrible. I can't put into words how unbelievably shitty it is, so I'll just write down the mercifully short lyrics.
"TAKE THE SEED AND GROW GIRL! WHACK THE WEEDS AND GO GIRL! *shitty drum solo*"
If I don't miss my guess, this is music made by an artist known as The Mighty RAW, or Ron Wasserman. Wasserman is the mind behind the incredibly catchy "Go Go Power Rangers" and was commissioned to do other insert songs in the back 20 episodes of the season. If this was something he did, don't take it as indicative of his actual talents. We'll be hearing more music he does pretty soon, and I promise it blows this weird 20 seconds of puke out of the water.
Jason marvels at the trees in the park and wonders how the little plants they've placed in the ground could possibly grow to be that tall. Zack takes Jason by the cheek and playfully notes that even he was a baby once. It's pretty adorable and reads less as playful teenager ribbing and more flirtatious. Just adds more fuel to my rampant "Jason and Zack are a couple" fire.
The Ranger Teens depart to go find some fresh water, as Bulk and Skull reveal themselves from behind the bushes. The two goons are wearing ridiculous looking helmets covered in leaves as "camouflage." The bullies plan on stealing the Ranger Teens trees so they can pass them off as their own to get a good grade. Since when did Bulk and or Skull give a shit about good grades? They're going to be stuck in high school picking on nerds half their age for the rest of their lives. They think a tree grade is going to balance out the other 7 months of class work they haven't done?
Squatt appears on Earth where he makes plans to plant his seeds. Then he's going to do whatever Rita wanted him to do. The blue troll then happens upon a chance encounter with his very own parents.
Wish they did the Groucho Marx mirror bit.
The bullies run off in terror as Squatt jibbers and falls down. Glad we could trust you with this one big guy. Bulk and Skull find refuge in the nearest shelter they can find, a porta-potty. While inside the toilet, we get the unfortunate pleasure of hearing Bulk scream out "DID YOU SEE THAT THING" and Skull responding "YEAH I SAW THAT THING!" This plays like an 80's college comedy. All you'd need is a wealthy old lady walking by while they say those lines and turning her nose up in disgust.
Squatt decides to do the one goddamned thing he's been sent here to do, and starts dropping the seeds into a tiny hole in the ground. Squatt's so pleased with his mediocre performance of an incredibly simplistic task, he assumes that Rita will reward him with the glow in the dark toothpaste he'd been wanting. Who do you think you're fooling Power Rangers? You think you can convince me that a creature like Squatt would ever use toothpaste?
The Ranger Teens come back to the park and notice Squatt digging in the dirt and rightly assume he's up to no good. Maybe Squatt shouldn't have planted the Octoplant's seeds about a foot away from where the Ranger Teens were digging. The kids prepare to attack Squatt, because they feel like having a shutout victory for once, but the Putties soon emerge to stop them. Rita, if you need the Putties to protect Squatt while he's planting some goddamn seeds, maybe he's not the best man for this job.
Squatt teleports back to the palace while the Ranger Teens combat the Putties. I'm not sure what it is, but this Putty fight actually feels a lot more satisfying than they have been lately. Aside from a weird moment where Billy gets his foot stuck in a bucket and uses it to defend himself against Rita's goons. Are they just undoing him being good at fighting Putties now? Not to mention making him clumsy doesn't really mesh with the character he had before. He wasn't a great fighter before, but it was because he was a timid dork, not because he's the third stooge to Bulk and Skull.
Speaking of the dynamic duo, they're still stuck inside the porta John where Skull inquires what smells so bad. As soon as the show came back the writers must have decided to crass it up a bit, because that's what kids really wanted to see. Bulk realizes the lock is stuck, so now they're both trapped inside. They realize they're going to die coated in human waste, the same way they were born, and make this face.
Skull do you need to be chewing gum right now?
When we cut back, the Rangers are still busy fighting the Putties. My enjoyment of this Putty brawl starts to wear thin as it outstays its welcome. All five Ranger Teens are fighting at full force and they're still not done? This Putty fight hasn't been bad but that doesn't mean I don't want to watch it go on for four minutes. This is the first time in the episode I can make a point of things feeling really friggin padded. Don't worry. It won't be the last.
Back in the porta John, Skull tells Bulk he's gotta take a shit. Bet you're glad this show got renewed now huh?
The Ranger Teens finish off the Putties when suddenly the camera shakes all around to imply something bad is happening. They head off to the Command Center to demand some answers from Zordon, who informs them some spooky shit is going down, but he doesn't know where. Alpha is trying to locate the trouble on his computer but isn't able to. It must be because Squatt buried it under a foot of dirt. That crafty son of a bitch. Jason says he'll head out to the park to look at what Squatt was up to. Zordon tells him to hurry, or the planet might be destroyed just like this!
Destroy the world Octoplant will strike by lightly placing its vines on the planet.
When Jason heads back into the park, a bunch of vines pop out of the ground and slither forward. Jason tells Zordon he's found something interesting when he happens upon the section of seeds Squatt planted. His hand is zapped by energy when he tries to touch it, and he's promptly attacked by the slithering vines. It's a good thing Kimberly didn't go check this out. We might have a remake of Evil Dead on our hands.
Jason morphs to combat the vines attacking him, and it's about as exciting a fight as you'd expect. The leader of the Power Rangers battling a bunch of branches, what a fucking treat. Even more pathetic is when Jason starts losing almost immediately, and then gets covered in tentacles that hold him down. This action packed episode of Power Rangers is almost too much to handle.
The rest of the Ranger Teens are alerted to their leader's miserable performance on the Viewing Globe and morph to bail him out. Using their Blade Blasters, they hack at the vines holding Jason and free their leader. You guys know how usually we get a fun little fight with the monster of the week before it inevitably grows? Jason getting autoerotic asphyxiated by a plant was our version of that this week. Hold your applause, cause we're not done yet.
The Morphed Rangers start shoveling to reach Rita's seeds, but the galactic empress says she's not having any of that. Goldar offers to head down to Earth with Scorpina to prevent the Rangers from fucking up her plan(t). The warrior duo appears in front of the Rangers and summons a group of Super Putties to stop them from digging up the seeds.
The scene, which has clearly been in a park the entire time, abruptly shifts to a mountainside where the Rangers fight a group of Putties. If it looks familiar, that might be because it's just a recycled fight from Green With Evil Part 1. Thanks for supporting our show kids, here's an old fight you've seen before. Tune in tomorrow for more garbage.
Suddenly we cut to a fight with Putties in the park, where Billy whips out his Power Lance and spins it around to slash some of the Super Putties. It's a pretty nice looking technique, but just before we can get invested in that, the scene cuts to a shot of the Octoplant's bulb glowing with energy. After that, we cut BACK to the mountainside to a different Putty fight. Would you fuckers pick a location and stick with it? You're giving me whiplash with all this shit. This episode is NOT my tempo.
Goldar and Scorpina blast the Rangers with energy from their crossed swords, with Jason conspicuously absent during the energy blast. We see him off fighting some Putties while his team gets trashed, and after another awful transition, Jason is standing with his team again telling them they need to get it together. What the fuck is going on with this editing? They're clearly cutting together various shots to try and make a coherent scene, but it's failing miserably. I'd rather see Bulk and Skull porking each other inside that porta potty than deal with this malarkey.
The scene makes another lousy cut back to the park where the Rangers are fighting against Goldar and Scorpina. Credit where credit's due, the fight with Scorpina and Goldar is partially new material they hadn't used yet. Only problem is the other half of the fight is taken from the Pineoctopus episode. That would be all well and good aside from the fact that Trini isn't in those scenes at all. Does this show actually want me to forget she exists? Sweet Jesus. Even dumber is when Scorpina "blasts" the Rangers. See if you can notice something a little off when she does.
Scorpina and Goldar Not quite sure? Lemme give you a hint.
If you remembered this episode without my help let's go out sometime.
This show isn't in short supply of scenes with the Rangers getting blasted with energy. Why didn't they pick out one of the thousand shots that didn't have a pineapple monsters big dumb tentacles in it? Why didn't they have those stand in for the Octoplant's tentacles and say the monster was attacking too? Why is Trini just off taking a smoke break? Fuck all of this.
Baboo pipes up and decides he should make his presence known. He tells Rita the Octoplant hasn't bloomed yet so she hasn't won yet. Rita gets pissed and tells him she's guaranteed to win this time, unlike all those other times she was guaranteed to win. Baboo starts quivering and holding onto Squatt because it's all he knows how to do in his trying times. Rita's words come true as the Octoplant's bulb soon reaches full power and produces the monster in full.
Octoplant Definitely worth the 15 minute wait.
Rita makes the monster grow and tower over the Power Rangers. The Rangers summon their Dinozords that are blasted by the Octoplant's eye beams. It doesn't do anything but shake them up a little bit because she's a shitty ineffective monster, and the Rangers form the Megazord. Rita is bizarrely shocked by this turn of events as though the Rangers calling for the Megazord was ever even a question. It's almost as if her perplexed reaction is just another excuse to pad for time because they didn't have enough fight footage to lengthen this episodes run time!
The Megazord and Octoplant deal punches to one another but Billy notes that the monster is composed mostly of vegetable matter so punching her isn't going to do shit. Maybe you could summon Dragonzord. Oh you're not going to do that? Oh well. Guess you guys are just fucked.
Octoplant uses her vine to hogtie the Megazord before blasting it with energy from her eyes. Just as the monster charges, Jason calls for the Mega Sword, because the writers must have forgotten what the Power Sword's name was while the show was on break. The Power Sword cleaves through Octoplant's vine as the Megazord dodge rolls out of her way.
Octoplant catches an image of herself in a reflective building and is distracted by her own beauty. The Megazord takes this opportunity to charge up the Power Sword. Rita tells her stupid ass monster to look behind itself, but it's too late and Octoplant is cut down the middle. Thank goodness the Octoplant's never before mentioned vanity gave the Rangers a chance to win. No point in establishing that weakness beforehand, the monster's just going to be vain for half a second during a critical battle and then gets killed because it's too stupid to turn around. Hope you get buried in Billy's special fertilizer you fucking idiot.
With the tediously boring battle completed, the Ranger Teens talk with Principal Caplan about how great it is that they planted some trees in the park and why they think the environment is a good thing to read about at your local library. Then Bulk and Skull come in covered in shit and say how they deserve an A+ for living like disgusting animals. Principal Caplan catches a whiff of them and falls over because they've been swimming through human waste for the past week. Then everyone laughs because the bullies smell like pee-pee.
This show should have been cancelled.
Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Porta-Potties
Personal Thoughts:
Man this episode. I want to like it. I really do. It's just so weak after something as impressive as Doomsday. What a wreck.
The writers were in a bind with this episode, Octoplant was one of two monsters they hadn't used from Zyuranger. This came with good reason though, she didn't have any usable fighting footage with the Rangers outside of the tentacles strangling Jason. The option that the show goes with, shoehorning in a bunch of Goldar and Scorpina fighting, isn't all that palatable either.
This episode wasn't absolute garbage, and did make use of some scenes that Power Rangers hadn't used before. A lot of the fight with Goldar and Scorpina and even some of the Putty fighting was new to Power Rangers. The new scenes were only cut together with recycled footage because they didn't have enough meat to keep the episode going. Obviously this resulted in a really messy series of fighting that failed to produce an engaging result.
This probably wouldn't be such a big deal if this episode wasn't the first new episode of Power Rangers that was aired after four months. I alluded to it a few times before, but Power Rangers took a brief hiatus after Doomsday Part 2 and this is what they decided to lead with? Yikes.
I mentioned previously that Octoplant was originally planned to be adapted as a monster in the episode "A Star is Born" where she would be referred to as Thornos. Like Weaveworm and Babe Ruthless, Octoplant was another monster that had no footage fighting the Rangers on ground level so they planned on shoving her in that episode. She was probably the best choice of these three monsters for a solo episode since the sequence with her tentacles attacking Jason could still be retained, but you see how lousy even that was.
It appears the US production crew didn't have the Octoplant costume for filming it. Maybe if they did they would have actually used it to film anything other than overlong Putty fights. What I believe happened to the Octoplant costume was that it was recycled to create a statue creature in Zyuranger that was fought during the Green Candle arc. The body doesn't look too similar but the face is spot on. Take a look for yourselves.
The only other thing worth noting is a really odd looking shot that the US crew put together. It's supposed to be the Power Rangers inside the Megazord bracing the Octoplant charging at them. It was the US Ranger costumes looking at a Sentai shot. Why's it worth noting?
Because it looks fucking awful.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Aug 17, 2015 0:49:40 GMT
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Episode 42: A Pig Surprise
Before we get going I wanted to do a little promotion for Noiseless Chatter's "Manos Live" event. Click the link here for the details, but you can buy a ticket to see a pristine print of one of the worst movies ever made, "Manos: The Hands of Fate." For 12 bucks, and if you're in the Highland Ranch area, you can drop in and check out the movie alongside a Q and A hosted by Phil with regards to the movie. Even if you can't attend, your ticket will give you access to an online screening of "The Room." Consider buying a ticket and watching some really awful movies with some really funny people. Now onto a "fantastic" episode of this dumbass show I love.
Animals! Everyone loves em. Either you love to eat them, or you use them to maul people who break into your house with knives. So why wouldn't the Ranger Teens offer to volunteer at Angel Grove's "Pet Adoption Day?" From what I can gather, this is just a festival where a bunch of negligent alcoholic parents can dump their children's yappy dog off with a bunch of high schoolers; afterwards they can go inform their kids that Missy got hit by a car because they didn't love her enough.
The Ranger Teens, sans Zack, convene to discuss how great owning a pet is. Billy all but looks into the camera before saying in no uncertain terms that owning a pet is a big responsibility and he hopes these kids are up for it. These are the kind of characters I can look up to. Teenagers who talk like they're my grandmother. Speaking of my grandmother, it looks like she's in this episode!
Which of these actors do you think died first?
Before Billy can ask why Mrs. Doubtfire is dragging Bulk around on a leash, the old woman begs these kind young teenagers to adopt her hideously obese hog named Norman. This old bag has three lines in the episode and she manages to sound like she's passing a kidney stone through all of them.
Keep in mind we're watching Power Rangers. I'm not looking for Laurence Olivier out of some old woman petting a sow, but could you at least get someone who doesn't sound like they learned their lines phonetically? Her acting is so terrible that I didn't even buy her walking away when the Ranger Teens take Norman from her. She looks like she was struck by a sudden bout of dementia and just wandered off never to be seen again.
While the other Ranger Teens mull over what they can do with a 500 pound pig, Zack is hauling ass to make it to Pet Adoption Day. Zack's late for an unexplained reason, though it's probably because a white guy's writing this episode. While Zack rushes to the park, he spots a bizarre sight in the form of the old lady who was dropping off Norman. And what a sight it is.
She moves like she's in a silent movie.
Zack starts sassing the Old Woman Putty before another group of Putties jump in to fight. At the Moon Palace, Rita cackles about how brilliant her plan is going to be and I'm actually pretty impressed. Usually when we get scenes of Rita and her crew, Goldar spells out exactly what's going to happen and leaves no mystery to all of Rita's space magic. This time, the Moon Crew's discussion is shrouded in vagueness and doesn't elaborate on what she's got going on. I actually kind of enjoy that. It makes this scene kind of pointless in retrospect, but it's at least something different.
Zack takes on all the putties and shithouses them single handed. Zack drops a line about how the Putties always know how to ruin a good day. Why would that be the line you give Zack when the scene started out with him late for Pet Adoption Day? That isn't a good day at all. Just give him some generic line about how all the Putties fight like old ladies.
Zack finds a small device on the ground that's been left by the Putties he just slaughtered. It looks like a really shitty 90's handheld camera with a spinning magnifying glass on top. Zack grabs it immediately without being concerned that it could be coated in space viruses or some kind of intergalactic bomb, and decides to take it to Billy. That way even if it is a bomb he can blow up the only member of his friends he isn't sleeping with.
Back at Pet Adoption Day, the Ranger Teens have successfully given away just about all of the animals. Good thing too, Ernie had a bid on any animals that weren't sold so he could give them a nice home. Right at the bottom of a bowl of his famous Juice Bar Chili™.
Bulk and Skull show up and hightail it to the Ranger Teens saying that they want to get a pet too. The Ranger Teens are hesitant to give the bullies a pet, knowing that there's a 50/50 chance they're just going to try and have sex with it, but they have the perfect pet for Bulk and Skull in Norman. The idiots initially look disgusted with him, but pretty immediately get excited because of how adorable he is.
The next day, Bulk takes Norman to school and shows him off to a bunch of nobody extras in the hallway. Before we discuss this scene, I'd be remiss if I didn't show you fine folks Bulk's wardrobe.
HE DIDN'T EVEN RIP HIS CLOTHES, THEY'RE JUST SITTING THERE MOCKING ME
To be fair, this might be the one episode in the history of this show where you can justify Bulk wearing pig boxers. When you give Bulk a pet pig and the only connection you draw is his stupid novelty boxers, I'll put up with it.
Bulk, in spite of everything you'd expect from him, is actually not that terrible of a pet owner. He's beaming about how cool he thinks Norman is, and he's showing him off to all the students at Angel Grove High School. Skull even has a book he's reading to Bulk about how to best raise a pig. They aren't doing an amazing job, but they're honestly coming across like pretty serviceable pet owners.
Bulk tries to make Norman do tricks, but since Saban wouldn't spring for a pig that could actually do things, Norman just sits there getting fatter. Even when Norman can't do fucking anything but sit there and have belch noises overlaid on him, Bulk still pets him and calls him the smartest pig in the world. It's shockingly adorable for what sounds like the dumbest goddamned idea this show has ever come up with.
Squatt and Goldar watch the events unfold on Earth while getting giddy that the Power Rangers fell for their weird and convoluted plan. Goldar then drops the title of the episode when he says the Rangers will soon be receiving "The Trouble With Shellshock."
Meanwhile, Billy tests the device that Zack found in the park to try and figure out what its deal is. He informs Trini and Zack that it has a timer inside of it that's counting down to zero, but he has no idea when that is. What? Do Rita's forces use a different method of mathematics than we do? If you have something the enemy dropped and allowed you to collect, and that item is also ticking down, why the fuck wouldn't you assume it's a goddamned space bomb. Billy you are the dumbest genius I've ever met.
Trini and Billy soon realize that Zack said the Putty he stole that Notbomb from was disguised as an old woman. Since that description is just vague enough to apply to the woman they met yesterday that couldn't act, they come to the conclusion that Norman is actually some kind of sleeper cell pig agent.
Billy's group meets up with Kim and Jason to inform them about Jack Sow-er, and tell them if they don't track down Bulk and Skull soon, they'll be murdered! The Ranger Teens all silently contemplate whether or not that's a positive or a negative, before ultimately deciding to track down the pig.
Unbeknownst to the Ranger Teens, Bulk and Skull are hanging out in the Youth Center with Norman eating out of a precious pink bowl with his name on it. A 90's babe comes up and says how cute he is, and asks his name. Skull answers "Bulk!" It's a funny joke that manages to work because they actually worked at it.
Jason Narvy says the line with total sincerity like he's been waiting for a woman to ask him that question for years. Even better is this girl doesn't roll her eyes because Skull is stupid and she someone psychicly knows that Bulk is the dumbshit that Skull is hanging out with. She just assumes that's the pig's name and we don't need to make every living character despise Bulk and Skull immediately after meeting them.
Ernie asks Bulk and Skull what the fuck they're doing with a pig in his Juice Bar, and Norman shouldn't be there either. It's at this very moment that the device Billy is tinkering with hits zero and Rita begins casting her spell. Why she needs a spell on top of this dinky little Notbomb is beyond me, but her magic soon hits Norman.
Show of hands, who didn't see this one coming?
Skull tries to consult the book for tips on your pet pig becoming a monster from earlier in the season, but comes up short. Pudgy Pig then chases the bullies around the Youth Center demanding their food. This was your foolproof plan Rita? Bringing back what was easily one of your most ineffective monsters to harass people for some chow? I guess her earlier vagueness wasn't to confuse the audience, but because she was embarrassed this was what she had to resort to after that Cyclopsis loss.
Bulk and Skull ask Pudgy Pig how he could attack his very own parents, and it's funny while being tragic. This pig is the one thing Bulk and Skull haven't completely fucked up in their lives, and it turns out to be a mongoloid monster. All Pudgy Pig tells them is that he has the munchies and he wants some goddamn food. Even monsters that showed up for two minutes had more depth to them than Pudgy Pig does.
Zack runs in and tells Bulk to give the giant pig beast his half a sandwich if he values his life. Bulk refuses because he hasn't eaten since lunch, and because he's a stereotypical fat man arguing with a fucking pig.
Zack says if he doesn't ditch that sandwich then Pudgy Pig is going to eat him, or at least his jacket which has accumulated enough grease to keep a local pizzeria in business for the next decade. It's also how Skull manages to keep his hair so slick. Bulk begrudgingly gives Pudgy Pig his sandwich before fleeing the scene where his only son turned into a mindless beast. Honestly though, what else was Bulk supposed to do?
He took care of that pig; he fed it, he took it with him everywhere he went, he presumably didn't have sex with it, and he treated it like one of his own flesh and blood. It was only for a day, but he treated that goddamn thing like it was one of the Bulk and Skull family. You give him another week and he would have had that pig falling into cakes in no time.
Zack confronts Pudgy Pig but the monster teleports away before any shit goes down. Zack contacts Zordon and tells him they've got trouble, as Zordon tells Zack he's got some real balls being late on Pet Adoption Day. Zack shows up to the Command Center with the rest of the Ranger Teens where Zordon informs them that they must defeat Rita's "overweight menace", but since he already gave up his sandwich the Rangers should focus on Pudgy Pig.
Trini says they can't fight Pudgy Pig since he's an actual pig and they don't want to hurt him. Where are you getting that from Trini? It's a pig Rita brought down to Earth, how do you know it's not a clay pig made by Finster? Maybe infant Pudgy Pigs actually look like that and you're just risking your team's safety against some dumbass space pig.
Only took me 42 weeks to make a Muppets joke.
Kim drops a bombshell when she reveals to Zordon that the pig's name is Norman. My god Kim you're right. What are we doing. A pig named Norman? If that pig was named Ulysses we'd put a sword right through his skull but Norman? That changes everything. Zordon says if it'll make them shut up they don't HAVE to murder the pig, and tells them to try and keep Norman under control until they can whip up some magic Depigulator ray or whatever the fuck.
The Rangers morph and locate Pudgy Pig on top of a building, coincidentally the exact same building they fought Pudgy Pig the first time he showed up. At this point I may as well just copy and paste everything I said from Food Fight, because this fight is almost exactly the same as it was then. It's the same goddamn fight scene used again to eat up time. Though this week Power Rangers offers one of the most perplexing and time wasting edits I've seen yet.
The episodes running 12 seconds short? I'LL FIX THAT!
The only big difference between this fight and the original is we don't see Pudgy Pig eating the Rangers Power Weapons. They just abruptly cut away from shots of Pudgy with the Power Lance or the Power Axe near his mouth and then ignore the fact the Rangers don't have their weapons anymore. It makes this whole fight weird and jarring, particularly if you've seen the original fight. And if you haven't seen the original fight, then why would you be excited by Pudgy Pig returning for another episode with him in it? This episode manages to suck regardless of whether or not you've seen Pudgy Pig's first appearance or not. For two completely different reasons.
On top of that, if Pudgy Pig is supposed to be much more gentle since he was originally Norman, why is he still beating the shit out of the Rangers? Why even keep this fight scene if you're trying to talk about how Norman is actually a brave soul who doesn't want to be evil? Who cares, it's a lazy idea made to recycle a fan favorite monster. Naturally it's going to suck pig nuts.
After an unengaging fight with Pudgy Norman, we're informed he teleported away from the fight. We don't actually see that because it would require them filming something, but he totally vanished off screen. Trust us.
Pudgy died on the way back to his home planet
While the Rangers are preoccupied with locating Pudgy Pig, Rita unveils stage two of her plan. Oh so you weren't just going to reuse Pudgy Pig and let him die again? Good on ya Repulsa. The only problem is the rest of her plan is as follows: Send Goldar to Angel Grove and have him destroy it while they look for Pudgy Pig. Seriously. That's it.
Rita must trust the Power Rangers to have absolutely zero cognitive abilities if they're not going to drop this Pudgy Pig bullshit to go take care of Goldar. It's a nice idea that Rita's waging a war on two fronts, but if you're going to use a monster as harmless as Pudgy the fuck Pig, you aren't giving the Rangers some Sophie's Choice. You're just giving Goldar a few spare minutes to blows up some buildings before the Rangers stop him.
Zordon locates Norman's current coordinates and teleports the Rangers off to some nondescript farm in the middle of nowhere. The Rangers split up to locate the huge hog and are somehow unable to find him. What is he wearing a fake beard and sunglasses? He's the giant pig in a gladiator helmet. The one that won't stop gibbering about being hungry. That one.
Zack tells his friends to come check out what he found, because it's going to blow their fucking minds. The Power Rangers head off to find a scene so unabashedly dumb, it almost makes this episode worth it.
Dancing Pig For anyone curious what the mobility was like in the Pudgy Pig suit, probably not great.
That's right, Pudgy Pig is dancing in the farm. Of course he is. The Rangers are equally perplexed as to why this monster is doing something so goddamn dumb when suddenly they see that Pudgy Pig is attempting to court a female pig he's found. Yeah, this is what the episode is doing now.
Pudgy Pig tells his newfound love how bad he wants to pork her and that they'll make such beautiful bacon together. That last one isn't a joke. He really said that. What a fucked up thing to say to someone if you're a pig. That'd be like asking a woman out and telling her you think the two of you would look good together chopped up in pieces in Jeffrey Dahmer's crisper.
For as much shit as I give Thuy Trang for not being a particularly strong actor, she absolutely kills it with a line in this scene when she sees Pudgy Pig courting this lady pig and says "How sweet, he's in love." It's such a ridiculous scene that her finding it encapsulating pushes it beyond the boundaries of lunacy. She totally sells the line as if she actually found this hideous pig beast getting a springy tail erection adorable. Kudos.
The Rangers surmise that this MUST mean Norman isn't one of Rita's monsters, because they couldn't possibly fall in love. I'll make sure to find and link all the episodes I've written about before where that was proven accurate. I'll bet there's going to be a bunch of them!
Zordon alerts the Rangers that Goldar is giant sized and attacking Angel Grove, and maybe if they weren't so busy watching a fucking dancing pig they would have noticed. The Rangers teleport downtown where Scorpina intercepts them. She blasts the rangers with energy from her helmet before siccing a group of Putties on them.
After a brief (re: pointless) Putty fight Scorpina tosses her scorpion blade at the Rangers while Squatt and Baboo cheer her on. If any of this sounds familiar, it's because 99 percent of it is just recycled footage from Green With Evil Part 4. Make sure to tune in next week kids, where you can see another boring rehash of old scenes we cobbled together to try and make a serviceable episode.
The Rangers soon remember that Goldar is fucking giant and maybe his threat should be neutralized first, so they call on the Megazord to take him on. Just in case you wanted something new, you're in luck! This is a brand new fight with Goldar, made from nothing but repurposed fight scenes you've already seen. Way to go Power Rangers, you nailed the rehash hat trick.
The Rangers call for the "Mega Sword" because just like last week, we can't be fucked to remember what we named things in this dumbass show. The Rangers try to use the finishing move on Goldar, but he teleports away before they can finish him off. It's sort of cool they seemed like they were actually going to kill Goldar this time, but obviously we couldn't have that happen or else who could we shove into episodes to pad them out?
After an unsatisfactory fight with Goldar, the Ranger Teens run back to find Pudgy Pig dancing with his piggy fair. They also see a farmer face down in the dirt that died of a heart attack, but it's probably not related. Billy's managed to recalibrate the timer that Putty dropped earlier to zap Pudgy Pig and turn him back into regular fat old Norman. That thing that was just a timer? Yeah now it can turn him back into a regular pig. Now Norman gets to bone his girlfriend all day while lounging on the farm. I can't wait for the spinoff novel where Norman meets the Spidertron monster and has him spell out messages to the farmer about how he's SOME PIG.
The next day in class, Mr. Caplan substitutes for Ms. Applebee because he's the only other person who works at this school. Then he brings in a pig for no reason and Bulk and Skull get scared. I'd rather this episode ended with a gunshot. Fuck you.
Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Pig Sex
Personal Thoughts:
Okay let's start off with the positives of this episode. Pudgy Pig dancing, Bulk and Skull petting a pig. Alright good, now that we've got those out of way maybe we can discuss why this episode isn't so great.
In all seriousness, I like that this episode didn't just rehash Food Fight with copious scenes of Pudgy Pig eating. The plot they made instead was utterly ridiculous, but at least it was unique. You give me a dancing pig and I'll give you my attention.
What doesn't work is how clear it is the writers are padding this show out. Almost every Sentai shot in this episode has already been used before. The fight with Scorpina felt hideously shoehorned in, the Pudgy Pig fight scene was completely superfluous, and the Zord fight with Goldar was done better in the first goddamned episode.
I understand that the show was desperate for episodes they could make after eating up all the Sentai footage, but that doesn't mean you can give me the pigshit and expect me to like it.
The writers had to make up a few episodes to stall for time it seems, and this is one of four of them. Last week's episode was the first, and I'm not quite sure which of the two I like less. I'm not very pleased with either of them, but they both offer something different. The civilian plot of this episode with Norman the pig is enjoyable because it offers us a bunch of Bulk and Skull. Last week we shoved them in a shitter and focused on the Ranger Teens planting trees. Last week had some unused fighting re-purposed to pad out the Octoplant story, this week had virtually nothing but reused footage. I guess A Pig Surprise is the yin to Rita's Seed of Evil's yang. Only they don't provide enlightenment, they just provide endless boredom.
For a monster who's considered so iconic to the series as Pudgy Pig, it amazes me that this is the last time we'll ever see him. Maybe the costume was falling apart and they had to scrap A Pig Surprise parts 2-9, or maybe they just didn't feel like using it anymore. Who knows?
My only wonder is if Pudgy Pig was as fondly remembered back when this episode aired, or if he's only remembered so well in hindsight. Did they just want to capitalize on one of the most memorable monsters of the season or was it random chance that they picked Pudgy Pig instead of one of the other half dozen monster costumes they had? Or was Pudgy Pig actually considered memorable at the time? Anybody who might have some insight please let me know, or offer me some crazy theories. I'm happy to take both!
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Aug 17, 2015 0:50:12 GMT
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Episode 44: Lions and Blizzards
For fans of counting, you might notice I missed an episode between last weeks and this weeks. I'll explain why in the wrap-up, but don't be scared. I'm not incompetent enough to forget that 43 comes after 44.
Today we're jumping headfirst into an event called the "Oddball Games." They don't really set it up at all, but the first thing we see is Jason and Bulk running through tires like they're in a military school or something. Can't wait for someone to tell Bulk he climbs obstacles like old people fuck.
The episode impresses me though, because we don't get a useless scene of someone telling us exactly what the Oddball Games are, we're going to see them play out instead. We also don't see who's on what team, but we see Jason going up against Bulk and you can put the pieces together. It's economic storytelling and I appreciate it. Lions and Blizzards is already on my good side. Unfortunately, judging by the last two episodes it's about to head downhill real quick, so let's count our blessings now.
Bulk trips and falls on the last tire, because of course he couldn't compete against Jason. The man is 80% hunk and Bulk is 80% chunk. I don't care how stupid a bully Bulk is, he can't actually think he's going to beat a karate beefcake in anything that revolves around physicality. At some point you're gonna have to stop deluding yourself big guy.
The next event after "Run Across Tires Without Comically Falling Down" is the potato sack race, where we see Zack up against Angela, the girl of his dreams. He tries to psyche her out by being super macho, but she doesn't give a fuck and rolls her eyes. Angela is pretty fantastic at having a single character trait and driving it home every week. Well I guess that's not true, she also wanted to bang a Power Ranger once. That's kind of like development right?
The next event we see is the Wheelbarrow, where Jason takes Trini by the legs and wheels her around, having mistaken her for a prop. They compete against Skull being wheeled around by Bulk. Since the writers couldn't figure out how to have the bullies comically fall down in a wheelbarrow position without vigorous humping, so they just make Bulk mop the grass with Skull's face for a little bit.
Bulk takes his standard footjob break.
The Ranger Teens celebrate Jason's success, as he's brought their team one step closer to victory. Bulk and Skull's team just get annoyed at their own comedic foibles. Principal Caplan shows up as the officiator of the Oddball Games and tells everyone that the two teams are tied. We haven't seen Bulk and Skull's team win a single event but they clearly swept the first few rounds. The events must have been "Cake Facials" and "Parental Humiliation."
The final event is going to involve both teams in their entirety partaking in a massive tug of war. Caplan reveals the winners will receive the prestigious Noble Lion trophy, which looks less like a badge of honor and more like a prop shambled together the night before.
You get a better prize for losing during the first round of Legends of the Hidden Temple
Before the Tug of War begins, we see the two teams exchange a few rounds of taunting. Bulk says Jason's going to lose this time, contrary to the 456,000 times he's won. Zack tells Angela (who's on Bulk and Skull's team) that he's saved her a spot on the winning side of the rope if she wants to come join him. It's cute hearing some playful ribbing, particularly from the Ranger Teens. Maybe my bar's been lowered too far, but "acting like humans" is all I want out of them.
Rita observes the oddball game and decides to make a wager. She bets that lion trophy would make a damn fine addition to her evil collective. Goldar agrees with her because he's a kiss-ass, and talks about how super great Rita's Goatan monster will be.
The line he has here is fine, but it's delivered really awkwardly. Goldar's line is "Goatan the storm bringer! The Earth and those Power Rangers will be destroyed for good." It gets all jumbled together and it sounds like "OF COURSEGOATANTHESTORMBRINGER AND THE EARTH AND POWER RANGERS WILL ALL BE DESTROYED FOR GOOD!!" If you want your one expository villain to explain the plot, maybe you shouldn't use the first take that sounds absolutely unintelligible. Thanks for nothing "One Take Goldar."
The two teams square off in the tug of war, separated by a pit of mud in the middle of their ring. If you didn't already anticipate Bulk and Skull were going to lose then this should have clarified it for you. The bullies try their best to win, but ultimately get yanked right into the muck. The forward momentum even knocks Mr. Caplan into the mud too, cause FUCK you old man. It's the 90's and our elders ain't SHIT. *Guitar Solo*
Zack offers Angela a hand out of the mud in what might be the first scene of him trying to do anything but hit on her. Nobody helps Mr. Caplan up because he's old and has a wig and nobody wants to fuck him, so he just stands around with a grumpy look on his face. I can't imagine how much restraint it took to not have Mr. Caplan insist that Bulk and Skull get a detention for knocking him into the mud. Man when's the last time his wig fell off? I need more of that and less of him trying to steal Bulk's thunder by falling into shit.
Please tell me I'm not the only one who sees his dick didn't get covered in mud too.
The Ranger Teens give each other a round of ass patting before realizing that the Noble Lion trophy isn't on its pedestal anymore! How are we supposed to get our shitty hunk of plastic to display in our parentless homes now? Instead of hearing the Ranger Teens blow smoke up our ass wondering who could have done this, Zack instantly assumes Bulk and Skull are to blame. Who stole our shit? Probably the two pieces of human garbage with no self respect or dignity. Thank you, now we can move on.
Shocking absolutely nobody, Zack was right on the money about Bulk and Skull. The two mud covered morons have stolen the trophy in an attempt to find something that makes them want to take the guns out of their mouths.
Rita becomes quite incensed with the bullies for trying to take away her soon to be monster, and screams at Goldar that it's getting away. Goldar promptly sends down a hoard of Putties, not to assault Bulk and Skull and take the trophy, but to keep the Ranger Teens busy. If Rita's worried about the trophy getting away then why are you focusing on the Rangers? Bulk and Skull are the issue. Call me crazy but I'm starting to think they just wanted to have a Putty fight in this episode and found a flimsy reason to shoehorn one in here.
Jason and Kimberly have split off to find Bulk and Skull when the Putties show up to keep 'em busy. The editing gets really choppy as we cut from a shot of the Putties flipping on the scene, to a shot of Jason punching one. The Putties don't land, we don't have the Rangers react to them, they're immediately being fought. It looks really lame, but we finally get some solid fighting music over the fight! Not just instrumentals! Real life big boy music! With words even!
I mentioned during Rita's Seed of Evil that Ron Wasserman, the composer of the iconic Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers theme song made some other vocal tracks that could be used during the show and this is the first time we get to hear one. I unironically love Wasserman's music and it so perfectly sums up Power Rangers for me, so I'll be linking the songs he penned as they show up in the show. First up is the aptly titled "Fight." I'd say that it's probably my favorite of the insert songs he made but they're all really fucking fun.
Jason and Kim fight the Putties for a brief stint before we cut off the music and see what Billy, Trini, and Zack are up to. They're near a set of playground equipment when another group of Putties shows up to confront them. The music even re-kicks in where it left off with Jason and Kim. It's definitely not supposed to be funny, but I'll be goddamned if I didn't laugh at it.
The editing in this fight isn't that great either. There isn't a scene of the Ranger Teens reacting to the Putties so it looks a little jarring for the Putties to jump off a big jungle gym and then immediately see Trini kicking one in the gonads. Not just that, but we cut to Zack mid-grunt and it's really obvious they fucked up the sound mix. One of the more obnoxious things is when the Putties jump up to attack Billy, it's very clearly just the footage of them jumping off the equipment played in reverse. It's the show not being able to hide its seams which tends to take me out of it a bit.
This Putty fight is honestly pretty great outside of the choppy editing though. It's nothing but the Ranger Teens beating them into playground equipment, which is significantly more interesting than a kick and a punch before the Putty decides to die. It isn't just another fight in a park somewhere where there's nothing around to interact with. You see something unique happen because the Teens are in an uncommon environment. Something like this.
Somewhere inside that slide, that Putty just gave up on life.
While the Ranger Teens ward off the Putties, Bulk and Skull lay on some rocks in front of a pond and splash themselves with water to clean the mud off. It's really bizarre and makes them look like even bigger freaks than they already are. I know Bulk and Skull only shower when they grow fungus on their genitals, but why are they just splashing themselves in the face out in the middle of nowhere? Why not just go home and bathe? You two are literally acting like animals.
Squatt asks Rita what her plan is, as his voice actor heads off to get his check for being in this episode. The galactic queen's busy casting a spell to turn the trophy into a monster she proclaims is "half goat, half lion." Since Bulk and Skull left the trophy sitting out in the field while they splash each other, Rita has ample opportunity to turn their ill gotten trophy into the lethal Goatan!
By half goat she meant "stuff one and mount it on his chest."
Terrified of the freakish beast who doesn't bathe itself in lakes, Bulk and Skull try telling the monster they'll give him some catnip. Goatan doesn't give a fuck about catnip and creates yellow energy wisps that knock Bulk and Skull into the lake. The bullies flee, and Goatan laughs at them while his goat head laughs in little bleats. It's a funny attention to detail and giving both of Goatan's heads a different voice is a nice touch. Just this little bit of character turns Goatan into a more memorable monster than we've had in quite a while.
Getting kind of scared here guys, this episode is actually charming me. Now I'm dreading when this episode inevitably turns shitty. I just know it's coming soon.
Back at the Youth Center, Zack spots Angela headed his way. She's dressed pretty fuckin fine, which for Power Rangers means she isn't dressed like a clowns ejaculate. Zack tells his friends he's totally over this bird and she doesn't mean shit. Then she asks if he wants to catch a matinee and his jaw hits the floor. Since this is 1993 presumably they went to go see Philadelphia together.
Alpha 5 tells Zordon that everything is going haywire, which Zordon says is familiar. He informs Alpha that this sensation must be due to Rita's monster Goatan, who can control the weather. Zordon suspects that Goatan is going to make it rain on all these bitches, literally, so he asks Alpha to ring the Power Rangers and tell them to kill Rita's abomination.
At the Youth Center, Billy and Trini come in out of what they inform us is a really nasty storm. Since it would have cost more money to dangle a hose above the roof, we're left to take their word for it. Ernie runs in and tells everyone the city is under a tornado watch so they should all head into the basement, also they should go into this nice pit he's manufactured and put their lotion in his basket.
The Zack-less Ranger Teens head into the Command Center where Zordon informs them Rita turned their dumbass looking trophy into a monster. Goatan is described as a ferocious monster with the ability to summon tornadoes, hurricanes, and blizzards to defeat his enemies. Alpha tries to get into contact with Zack but can't seem to reach him, assuming it's because his Communicator is wrist deep in Angela right now.
The other four Rangers morph to combat Goatan out in a quarry. After beating down the Rangers for a little bit, Kimberly pulls out her Power Bow to strike Goatan. He bats away the arrows before pulling out his own bow to shoot at Kim. His arrow knocks hers out of the air and knocks her to the ground. Jason uses his Blade Blaster to shoot the fuck out of Goatan, proving just how inefficient a weapon a bow really is. Goatan isn't done yet though! He has a lot more skills to show off.
Goatan Nice of him to swing right over Billy's head.
The monster knocks all four Rangers to the ground before his goat head starts talking a whole bunch of shit and telling them they're finished. Goatan blasts the rangers with energy from his eyes before his goat mouth unleashes a massive red cyclone that traps the Rangers inside of it. It's another instance of his goat mouth just bleating repeatedly and it's fucking hilarious. God bless this stupid ass show.
While at the movies, Zack is finally starting to make some headway with Angela as she grabs onto his arm upon being frightened. Just when Zack tries to go in for second base, his Communicator goes off. Angela asks what that was, and if Zack is really such a nerd that he bought a beeper. Zack tells her that's his popcorn alarm, and she readily accepts the most nonsensical lie of all time as Zack heads outside the theater.
Zack tells Alpha there better be four fucking monsters running around right now, but Alpha says it's even worse! He tells Zack the others need his help to fight Rita's evil Shamera monster. Obviously he meant chimera, but he adorably has no idea how it's pronounced. Zordon must be a real cheap shit if he can't even keep Alpha's language chips up to date.
Zack morphs and teleports to the scene where he blasts Goatan with his Power Axe. As we see the Black Ranger, you'll notice something appears to be wrong with his hands.
Angela secretly coated herself in barbed wire in the hopes Zack wouldn't touch her. He showed her!
Goatan taunts the Black Ranger, and also asks if maybe he should see a doctor for his spontaneously bleeding hands, but Zack tells him to eat a dick. The Black Ranger gives a pretty fun threat to the monster telling him he's going to pay for messing with his friends, and especially for messing up his date. Zack leaps off the cliffside he's standing on and slashes Goatan with his Power Axe. The monster stumbles all around the beach before collapsing.
I just want to take a moment to say how much I love Walter Jones acting as Zack. He seriously brings it to these lines and makes you believe in the goofy shit he's saying. After slashing Goatan he says "That oughta change your minds Goatan, both of em." It's a stupid enough line on paper but Jones fucking nails it. I'd be hard pressed to call it badass, but he manages to elevate the material in a way I'm sincerely impressed by.
Rita cuts her losses with this dumb as fuck lion and makes him grow. Goatan's growth prompts a blizzard as the monster roars at the Rangers. Zack has his friends to summon the Dinozords and form the Megazord in order to combat Goatan. The lion beast uses his goat mouth to blow snow at the Megazord and freezes it over. Did you expect something that looked amazing? You're in luck!
That's what snow look like isn't it?
Goatan gives the Rangers a handful of cold puns before pulling out a hockey stick to ice em. Though the Rangers can't make Megazord move, Zack finds he can move the left tread and spins the Megazord around. The Megazord's spinning seems to dizzy Goatan with the snow it shakes off, and when the Megazord removes all the snow from itself it punches the chimera right in its goat face. Zack summons the Power Sword and the Rangers finish off the monster. R.I.P. Goatan, of all the monsters Post-Cyclopsis so far, you were the GOAT.
Zordon congratulates the Rangers on murdering Rita's freak of nature but informs them their trophy was tragically lost with the destruction of Goatan. The Rangers say it's not a big deal since that thing was an ugly piece of junk anyway, and they don't need a trophy to prove they're winners. Alpha says it's another happy ending, and Zack has a fantastic out of context line.
Zack: Speaking of happy endings, I left Angela back at the theater!
Zack zips back to the theater with two tubs of popcorn and apologizes to Angela, saying there was a long line. Just when you think everything is going to be peachy keen, Angela dumps her popcorn on Zack's head and ditches him for being gone so long. This moment is great because she doesn't have to say a single word, and we know exactly what she's thinking. This episode is seriously killing it for me.
The final scene is a cop dragging Bulk and Skull into the Youth Center. They're still covered in muck despite swimming through the lake earlier to avoid Goatan, and because this scene doesn't make any sense at all. The cop asks if anyone can I.D. these jokers, and Jason asks if they're the swamp creatures from the black lagoon. Why the cop has them in his custody I can't tell ya, he's just dragging them in there for no reason and asks who the fuck they are. Then Bulk starts jumping all around cause he's got a frog in his shirt and everybody laughs. The End.
If you ever told me that a Bulk and Skull scene would be the weakest point of an episode I'd have told you that you were crazy.
Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Bathing in Lakes
Personal Notes
God almighty I love this episode. This is such a massive step up in quality from the last two it blows my mind. It's written competently, it has solid action, it gives a fun storyline to Zack, and even the acting seems better. The only downside is the weird editing in the Putty fight and the non-resolution to whatever happened with Bulk and Skull. I can't fathom why they would lead the show's return with an episode as bland as Rita's Seed of Evil when they had something like this they could have aired instead.
I mentioned earlier I was skipping an episode before this one for a certain reason. I won't elaborate on that entirely just yet, but episodes 41,42,44, and 45 make up what I like to consider a four part series; which I've unofficially dubbed the "Oh Fuck, Zyu2 hasn't come in the mail yet" Quadrilogy. What's a Zyu2? Bruh. You're gonna learn all the lore soon. Just you wait.
There's a little detail in this episode I like, which is that the Rangers lose the Noble Lion Trophy after defeating Goatan. This show is so goddamn saccharine that the idea of its characters actually losing something by being superheroes is almost never addressed. It fits well with Zack screwing up his date with Angela because of his duties as a Power Ranger. The Rangers can actually lose something, and we don't get to see that often enough.
Goatan is a pretty cool monster, and one that fans of this blog might recognize! I posted an image of four monsters who appeared in the Japanese counterpart of Doomsday Part 2, with Goatan being the only one of the four who hadn't appeared yet.
Power Rangers managed to make Goatan seem more threatening than he was in the Sentai. All the stuff about him having weather powers was just creative repurposing of the footage. The blizzard that shows up after he was beaten was originally there for no real reason other than giving the Megazord fight a different look. That red tornado attack he used on the Rangers originally was used to steal people's abilities. That explains why he suddenly busted out some archery moves and had a hockey stick as a weapon. He had stolen them from some athletes he kidnapped. Giving him weather powers to explain the rest of his moves works out really well though.
One final cool bit I want to showcase is some editing the crew did on the Goatan fight. Originally when Zack slashed the monster with his Power Axe, it caused him to explode! What impresses me so much is the U.S. cut doesn't look awkward or abrupt or anything, so it's difficult to even tell something was cut. I'll show both versions below so you can see what I mean. I find that both are nice conclusions to the fight, but let me know which one you like better!
U.S.
Sentai
And with this episode, Power Rangers has successfully used every Zyuranger monster. We still have one more episode next week before the show had to change things up a bit, but without any new monsters what could they do? Stay tuned to find out, you won't not be disappointed.
|
|
|
Post by sbtbfanatic on Aug 17, 2015 0:50:56 GMT
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Episode 45: Crystal of Nightmares Following the Doomsday two parter we've looked at three episodes. Two of them were pretty wretched and the third was great. This episode is the last before Power Rangers takes an interesting detour, so let's see if they can tie up the match with two lousy episodes and two good ones. The Ranger Teens are shaking in their boots this week, not because the quality of their adventures has been lackluster lately, but because there's a big science test coming up! Trini and Kim say how nervous they are about being quizzed on things they learned previously, but Billy's got a surefire plan to help them all ace this test. He tells his pals they can all go up to his uncle's cabin in the woods where they'll have plenty of room to themselves to study to their hearts content. Then they can read that weird looking book in the basement and we can see Jason get fucked by a tree. Kim and Trini readily accept the notion that they should hang out in a secluded cabin with no access to the outside world with someone like Billy near them, as Bulk and Skull eavesdrop on the Ranger Teens scheme. Before Bulk can discuss what he plans to eat today, Principal Caplan walks in and gives them both a slip of paper. Bulk asks if these are early birthday cards with a big dopey grin; a smile that manages to say "I can make the flimsiest of jokes work, suck on it." Paul Schrier gets his check for the first 40 episodes of the series. Now to find some place that takes Saban Fun Bucks. As it turns out, these papers are not early birthday cards for the dumbest students in school. Caplan has given Bulk and Skull their mid-semester grades, because nobody in education uses the word "quarter". The bullies aren't too happy with their grades, but they should be proud of themselves for finally learning how to read. Caplan tells the two if they get D's on the big science test next week, they're going to be in detention for the rest of the year. Let's pump the brakes real quick, what the fuck did you just say? The bullies are failing all of their classes, okay that much is clear. If they get a lousy grade on their next test they're going to be put in detention for it? Have the people who wrote this show ever been to a school before? You don't get punished for failing your courses, you get held back. You get punished for being a prick to everyone and bringing pigs to class. What kind of twisted school is Angel Grove High that they're shoving all of the failing students into the detention hall? Was this what education was like in the early 90's? Maybe this Common Core shit isn't a bad idea after all. Caplan reminds the boys that D stands for Detention, and hopes they don't find out that L stands for Lawsuit. While Skull is terrified that he's going to fail at something for the 48,670th consecutive time, Bulk reassures him that there's a foolproof way to pass this test. They're going to tail the Ranger Teens and let those losers do all the studying for them. Yeah I remember back in high school when I watched someone else study while I sat around playing Gamecube. Then I took the test and I failed it, because it was the worst idea ever conceived. Speaking of stupid plans, Goldar's got a real doozy today. He's going to use the patented "Crystal of Nightmare [SIC]" to force the Ranger Teens to dream only of defeat. After the Ranger Teens are subjected to this G-Rated torment, they'll lose all confidence in themselves. Soon enough they'll be unable to defeat Rita's forces because they had a bad dream and thought they were doing karate in their underwear. That would be so BOGUS! During this scene, Goldar pitches this scheme and all Rita does is stand there and act befuddled. She seems to have no knowledge of this Crystal despite the fact she's the head muckety muck around here. Is Goldar just stashing a bunch of shit he collected throughout the galaxy in his room without telling her? It just makes Rita look like she doesn't even know she's in charge of this gaggle of space freaks. The Ranger Teens relax in the cabin Billy murdered his uncle to get access to as we see them vomiting out a bunch of science factoids. Trini says they've worked so hard off screen for the past few minutes they deserve something to eat. Zack slowly gives her a death stare for breaking her vow of silence, but the rest of the Teens agree and they head out to grab some grub. Inside a desolate cave in the middle of nowhere, Goldar starts feeding energy into the Crystal of Nightmares and pumping himself up over how incredible he's going to be. You're going to murder a bunch of kids with no self confidence Goldar, maybe you can stop acting like you're scaling Kilimanjaro. Bulk finally debuts his plan, and it looks like the Crystal of Nightmares works on the audience too. And a new fetish was born Jesus Christ. This is some of the dumbest shit we've ever had Bulk and Skull do. You'd think the idiotic idea is they'll disguise themselves as maids, and clean the house while the Ranger Teens study so they can listen in. No way buddy! That explanation is pretty stupid, but we need one even dumber. Bulk and Skull are sneaking in so they can find the Ranger Teens super secret study notes, but they need to hurry to find them before they get back from eating. So then why in the name of piss did they need to dress themselves as maids? Why are you disguising yourself if it's not to hide your identity from somebody? I'm not saying you're going to be well hidden, you're clearly the two trash cans from school that always talk about stomping dweebs, but then why dress as maids at all? What are you even trying to accomplish you idiots? Before Bulk and Skull can further waste everyone's time, the Ranger Teens make a ruckus outside to alert the bullies they're back at the cabin. Bulk and Skull manage to stuff themselves underneath a bed so that Jason, Zack and Billy can't see them. At least that's what the show wants us to think, but Bulk and Skull's hideous make-up covered faces are sticking out from underneath the bed. The bed that's facing where the Jason and Billy are sitting. How can they not see two giant cross dressing mongoloids slobbering underneath the bed that is right in their line of sight? If you're framing this shot, why not have them hide under the bed that Billy and Jason sit on, so they wouldn't stick out like a pair of diseased apes? All you have to do is slightly change the blocking and this ridiculous scene would make one iota of sense. Bulk and Skull sit under the bed to make funny faces, while Zack gets pumped because of all the fresh air out in the cabin and begins to dance. Jason and Billy watch for an awkwardly long time as Zack continues to dance and run down the clock until the episode ends. Billy and Jason try to feign politeness, but can barely hide their resentment. Billy shields his crotch instinctively while hanging out with two alpha males. Billy throws a pillow at Zack because it's his uncle's cabin so he can do whatever he damn well pleases. Zack starts swinging a couple of pillows around like nunchucks, causing a shitload of feathers to fall out of them and under the bed. We see Bulk about to sneeze and blow his cover, but Skull puts a finger under his daddy's nose. Just so we're clear what's happening in this episode: It involves a bunch of dudes getting in a pillow fight together while two 20 something high schoolers dressed as French maids watch them from underneath a bed. I don't know who in this situation is jerking off, but I promise someone is. The next scene is, in all seriousness, a cut to Goldar watching the guys in a pillow fight from the Crystal of Nightmares. What am I even watching right now? He starts slapping the broad side of his sword against his palm while growling about how he's going to reign supreme. No seriously, why did they choose that scene to transition to Goldar. It sounds less like an evil plot, and more as if he's going to bust into that cabin and start spanking the guys like he's Ben Affleck in Dazed and Confused. Sorry, that would be an awesome episode. That's not what we're here to discuss. Trini and Kim are now in their pajamas in another room, and I soon learn what a bullet we dodged by not having Bulk and Skull hide in their room. Not that they're the sexual deviants they were earlier in the season, but I'm much happier that we don't have to see a couple of dudes dressed as maids leering at women from under their bed. One point to Crystal of Nightmares for not taking the skeevy route this week. As the girls wish each other pleasant dreams, we see all five Ranger Teens tucked into bed and passed out. Bulk and Skull are still underneath a bed in the guys room and have also fallen asleep in each others loving embrace. Goldar starts making some magic lightning spew from the Crystal of Nightmares as the teens toss and turn. At this point I start to get excited. Maybe we can learn what some of the teens innermost fears are. What would terrify them the most. We can learn more about these characters based on what their worst nightmare is! That'll be awesome! First up is Billy, and his dre-GODDAMNIT. I hate myself Yeah, all that shit about nightmares? Just a way to dress up a clip show. Not even that, but a clip show revolving around the Rangers losing confidence. Wow what a great idea, I can't believe we never thought of that before. Next up on the nightmare tally is Trini, and she dreams about the time she and her friends were caught inside the Spidertron's web. You've got to be fucking kidding me. That attack was happening to all of the Rangers, why is this singled out as traumatic only for Trini? That scene didn't have anything to do with her at all. Why are you picking out a moment that could work for all five of the Rangers and applying it to just one of them? It's almost like you realized how little you've done with her and decided to just shove in any ol' scene with her there at all. Zack has his nightmare next, and surprisingly it's a fight that focused on him. What a bizarre concept. There's only one problem, the fight that's causing Zack to lose confidence is the battle he had with Nasty Knight. Why's that a problem? Well remember that other clip show that happened 15 episodes ago? Well that episode decided to use the fight against Nasty Knight as a way for Zack to boost his self confidence. Why are you using it now to show it doing the opposite? Why are you undoing everything that you did with Island of Illusion? Why does this episode's shittiness have to go back and retroactively make episodes I enjoyed worse? While Goldar cackles at the Crystal of Nightmares and its ridiculous choices for what constitutes as a nightmare, he notices another pair have fallen prey to its magic. Bulk and Skull. Instead of being subjected to some stupid rehashed scene of the pair getting scared by a monster or something, we get to watch them live out their fantasies as Power Rangers. Bulk and Skull morph A burger as a morpher? That's the silliest thing I've ever heard. The dynamic dunces jump into the Megazord cockpit to go and save the city, but they don't know how the controls work and the Megazord starts moving around all jittery like it's having a seizure. They keep trying to make the Megazord work but end up causing it to burst into sparks just by piloting it so horribly. As much as everything else in this episode has sucked eggs, this scene is actually pretty good. The Megazord moving weird is done using some creative editing and it's interspersed with shots of Bulk and Skull freaking out and screaming. It's goofy, it's fun, and it does something enjoyable with the whole nightmare concept. Which is what the premise of this stupid episode should have been instead of a godawful clip show. Oh right, time to get back to the clips. Kimberly dreams of the time she was trapped in the Samurai Fan Man's bottle. Congrats to Kim for having the first flashback that revolved around her, and wasn't from an episode already used in Island of Illusion. Jason rounds out the nightmares by dreaming of the time he fought Goldar inside the Dimension of Darkness. Unlike the other nightmares, this one works for me. You could easily look at the battle and see why it would put Jason on edge; this was a dangerous fight where he was unable to morph and in a unique peril. Not to mention this whole Crystal of Nightmares idea is Goldar's to begin with, so it fits the plot of the episode. Then we see all five teens have a dream of Zordon telling them they're absolutely terrible at being unpaid mercenaries and he's going to be taking away their powers. This is another nightmare that totally works. This is exactly what I wanted from this episode. Focus on what would really mess with the Rangers nerves. Play into the paper thin characters you have and show us what would terrify them. Having Zordon tell them he's taking what makes them special away from them is an amazing way to shake the Ranger Teens. We would be able to see what they fear instead of things that shouldn't be bothering them anymore. They've already won all the battles they're dreaming about, so why is it terrifying them so badly now? The Ranger Teens all meet up inside the girl's room the next morning, and they're all acting like a bunch of panicky Petes. Jason asks if the girls had the same nightmare, while Kim wonders why Jason would be dreaming about having sex with Skull. Jason clarifies that he meant the one where Zordon was a dick to them, and Zack says Jason is mistaking real life with dreams again. The O.G. Dick Zordon tells Alpha 5 that Goldar must have used the Crystal of Nightmares to turn the Ranger Teens into stuttering little bitches, or the stress of rooming together left them emotionally shattered. Billy always holds court over everyone because it's HIS uncle's cabin so he can do whatever he wants. Zack annoys the piss out of everyone by dancing at inopportune times. Kimberly bores everyone with stories about how Tommy was an amazing kisser and loved her almost as much as karate. Jason just looks at how his friends all live like pigs and tells them "LIVING WITH YOU IS LIKE LIVING IN A LIVING NIGHTMARE." Then he goes off to bone those foxy new maids hiding under the bed. Zordon buzzes the Rangers which makes them jump out of their proverbial boots. You guys are acting like pre-crisis Billy over here. Chill your pills for one second, it's just the giant magic head and his cyborg slave telling you to do their bidding. Zack says he's not ready to take on another one of Rita's monsters, especially not if it's Pudgy Pig again. Jason musters up the courage to answer his S-S-S-SPOOKY Communicator, and asks Zordon what's going on. Zordon tells them he's sorry they all had some spooky dreams about a bunch of dead rubber suits, and it's all Goldar's fault. If they want their confidence back, they need to go break his dime store prop that's giving them all nightmares. Until they do that they won't be able to morph. TUNE IN THIS WEEK FOR AN ALL NEW POWER RANGERS, THEY DON'T MORPH, THEY DREAM ABOUT SHIT YOU'VE ALREADY SEEN, AND ZACK DANCES. COMING SOON TO FOX KIDS! While the Ranger Teens continue to shiver and tell Zordon they aren't sure if they can fight, the floating head teleports them to Goldar's location telling them they'll succeed. Man Zordon you are a stone cold prick. "I know how to fix my terrified superheroes who can't access their powers. I'll throw em in the goddamn lion's den. Have fun suckers." Outside the cave, the teens spot some Putties and Zack sincerely asks Jason, "Putties? Now what are we gonna do?" This Crystal of Nightmares must be the strongest thing in Rita's arsenal if it can make people terrified of Putties. The Rangers get ambushed by more Putties, and it's surprisingly interesting to have a fight where the Teens are losing to the friggin' Putties. I'm not blown away by it, but seeing our heroes incapable of fighting is at least something different. While Trini is helpless, Billy comes to her rescue by doing what he does best: Being a creep. Call Billy a magician cause he's David Cop A Feel Jason abandons his terrified team to go into the cave the Crystal is located in. Great leading there Jase, no wonder we put you in the T-Rex. Goldar greets the unmorphed Red Ranger and tells him how tired he is after running through his dreams all night. Jason dodges one attack from Goldar, and while the big gold idiot is gloating about how the Rangers will soon be history, Jason spin kicks the Crystal of Nightmares and demolishes it. Yeah, that's it. Dramatic resolution resolved. One kick. Thanks for nothing. Goldar teleports away, furious that he's lost his only way to watch young hunks beat each other with pillows. Suddenly all five of the Ranger Teens get a look of confidence on their faces. Zordon tells them via voice over that the spell is broken because the Crystal was destroyed. Just in case you forgot what happened 8 seconds ago. The Ranger Teens immediately start butchering the Putty pack in front of them, and thankfully we get some Ron Wasserman music to chase down the shitty sour milk taste this episode has given us so far. As the Putties vanish, Scorpina and Goldar leap onto the battlefield. The Rangers morph and before any fight can start, Rita makes her soldiers grow. The Rangers bring out their Dinozords to head off Scorpina and Goldar in the Megazord. From here on I might as well just skip to the end of the episode, because this fight represents my big problem with this episode. It's the same Goldar and Scorpina VS. Megazord battle that was shown in Green With Evil Part 4. That's right, even more recycled footage! All they do is cut out the scenes of Green Ranger showing up in giant form, thereby eliminating the best part of this whole goddamned fight. Thanks again Crystal of Nightmares, for working so hard to poison the things I enjoy about this show. On that topic, one of the clips used in the flashbacks earlier was from Green With Evil Part 2. That means that this episode wants you to be familiar with one episode from that mini-series, but hopes like hell that you forget another one so you don't recognize this Zord fight. That's utterly astonishing. If you're going to use an episode to do nothing but play on memories of the old, don't make your big climactic final battle something old too. So whatever, the Megazord gets knocked down and then summons the Power Sword and beats back Rita's duo. It uses the Power Sword's finishing move to strike Goldar and Scorpina. Oh did I say Goldar and Scorpina? I meant Goldar and King Sphinx. I got a riddle for you Sphinx, what are you doin out of the cold dead ground? Goldar teleports away to get Scorpina to a doctor and figure out what just happened to her, and Rita's crew bicker amongst themselves for all being a bunch of worthless nothings. Goldar calls Finster an overgrown rat and should best watch his mouth. Finster isn't the one who botched this Goldar, so leave your stupid comments in your pocket. The next day at the cabin, a maid who isn't just some weird high school greaser all dressed up arrives. She starts vacuuming up the mess the Ranger Boys made during their erotic pillow fight, and soon discovers Bulk and Skull still asleep under the bed. The maid screams, confident in the knowledge these two cross dressers are about to Buffalo Bill her; however Bulk starts screaming because the science test is today and they need to go write down all the things they learned. Sure hope there's an essay question about how to crash a Megazord. Mr. Caplan tells the classroom he'll be handing back the results of the tests because Ms. Applebee is ill. Or because the show already paid him to act in this recent batch of episodes and wanted to get their monies worth. He hands the Ranger Teens back their tests and congratulates them on getting A's. Nothing says classroom cohesion like telling the other students who among them got the best grade. I think they all figured out which paragons of virtue are going to ace the tests Caplan. No need to announce it. Caplan then commands Bulk and Skull to come in front of the class and take their tests so he can satisfy his fetish for humiliating students. As it turns out, Bulk and Skull didn't get D's on their tests! Can you piece together what the killer joke is to end this amazing episode? THEY ACTUALLY GOT F'S. HA.HA.HA. Caplan asks if they know what F stands for, but I already know exactly what it stands for. Fuck this episode. Your Weekly 90's Nostalgia: Unfunny Cross Dressing Subplots Personal Thoughts: As you might have guessed, this one doesn't tend to make it into my rotation when I'm watching Power Rangers. This episode doesn't suck completely because it's a clip show. It sucks because it's a clip show that doesn't do anything interesting within the context of being a clip show. Dress it up a little bit! Island of Illusion was fine and didn't make me want to slit my wrists. So all that shit about two good episodes and two bad episodes after Doomsday? Nope! Power Rangers gave us one good episode, two bad episodes, and this atrocity to mankind. A Pig Surprise is King Leer compared to this piece of garbage. What's irritating is that this episode had tiny flashes of good ideas. Having the Ranger Teens unable to beat Putties switches things up and gets you engaged. Can our heroes manage to regain their confidence and shithouse these grey goofballs? Yeah, but not by believing in themselves or finding their own self confidence. Jason just had to kick a crystal ball. I'm sure you kids at home can make good use of this lesson. Let me be a little fair to the writers at Saban H.Q. for a moment. Realistically speaking, they don't have any actual Japanese footage left to use. They had squeezed as much blood from the Zyuranger stone as they possibly could have at this point. The only thing left to do would be dub over scenes of the unmorphed Zyurangers and try working that into an episode. The writers didn't have shit left, so they had to crank out a clunker like this to stall for time. I promise next week I'll finally explain what they were waiting for, but the fans have come to refer to it as Zyu2. And boy oh boy do you guys think I geeked out hardcore before? Holy shit you ain't seen nothing yet.
|
|