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Post by sbtbfanatic on Apr 17, 2015 4:07:49 GMT
The New Class Season 1, Episode 5: “Love is on the Air”
We open with Scott doing what Scott does best: stare desperately and lecherously at a bunch of girls coming out of a study hall. “Won’t one of them let me lose my cursed virginity?” Scott asks as they pass him by without a second look.vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h23m48s245But then Scott swoons in as the true desire of his affections comes out and takes a drink from a water fountain. “How can I get into the Babe Study Hall so I can stare lustfully at that hunka hunka burning love, Weasel, all period,” Scott asks. Weasel nervously reads Scott’s mind and tells him he needs to join an activity because, for whatever reason, girl’s sports teams and the crew of the school radio station are in the study hall. And Weasel uses the phrase, “Exact-a-mundo,” which makes me believe there’s a middle aged man writing the script who saw an episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and thinks that’s how teenagers talk. “Only the white wizard, Belding, can get me into the radio station crew,” Scott thinks to himself. And, as if by magic, the white wizard himself appears in the hallway. “Oh, great and powerful Belding,” Scott says, “I wish you to grant me the favor of working for the school radio station so I can be rid of the curse of never being touched by a woman.” “So sorry, Scott,” Belding says. “Even though our radio station isn’t a commercial station and is here for vocational purposes, the great and powerful school board wants to shut it down due to bad ratings, much like the first season of Saved by the Bell: The New Class.” “Oh, great and powerful Belding,” Scott replies wishfully, “allow me the pleasure of being in the legendary Babe Hall and I shall get good ratings for thy vocational radio station, just as I did for Valley in the long, long ago.” vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h28m43s117And so the great Belding did grant young Erickson’s request, and he discovered the first issue with the radio station: the blond wench Jenny Turner was reading from generic middle English sounding library book that never actually existed. And she was infatuating the love of his life, Weasel. She truly was a witch, and must be burned at the stake. vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h29m52s41Then Vicki, the cowardly lion, did approach Scott, making uncomfortable sexual advances towards him. But Scott’s heart had been won by young Weasel, and none would get in the way of true love.vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h30m11s236It was then the great wizard himself did push Weasel away from the engineer’s panel to start a call in show for other young knights to ask him a question. But none dared approach the great wizard, for he held the great power to bring Dustin Diamond into the cast next season. The next day in the legendary Babe Hall, Scott did recruit the fair maiden Lindsay to run a love call-in show on the radio station. But the dumb ogre Tommy D did protest. “Lindsay is my property!” he exclaimed angrily. “She shall not run a call in show without me!” And so the two set off on a quest to bring cheesy love songs to the young lovers at Bayside. But all was not well with the maiden and the ogre, for Tommy D did not want to play the magical tunes of the great court musician Michael Bolton because all music on a radio station must be music he likes. The maiden and the ogre did bolt out of the radio booth just as their show is about to start, and we are confronted by the unfortunate fact that Weasel has lost his hearing for he could not hear them fight. vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h34m03s218Weasel did not know what to do, so he cleverly invented himself into the apothecary of affection, Dr. Love, on the spot. The wench Jenny Turner was on the other line, desiring to put a curse on a boy who had used her to consummate a relationship with her older sister. Weasel did not know what to do, so he turned to the great book of The Brady Bunch for sage advice and told the wench about a situation between the mythical sisters Jan and Marsha Brady, whom legend had it once fought over a young sire before fading into obscurity.
Scott doth think that Dr. Love is a stupid idea until the magical line orbs on the telephone all appear in full illumination, indicating that the apothecary has clients waiting to be seen.
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The maiden, the ogre, the wench, and the cowardly lion then came outside the radio station, all wanting to know the secret identity of Dr. Love. Because young Scott wanted the doctor for a private appointment, he put his hand over the apothecary’s mouth to prevent him from telling, but he forgot his chloroform today so he’ll have to find another way of kidnapping him.
“You must never tell you are the apothecary,” Scott did tell Weasel, “for, on the day you tell, you will surely die, or at least lose your listeners.” vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h37m01s238In Babe Hall, the wench did attack Weasel, demanding to know whether the apothecary has a big penis. Weasel did resist her advances, for his heart belongs to the bitch Megan. But, because Megan is Lady Not-Appearing-In-This-Episode, Weasel doth consider the possibility of getting it on the wench.
The wench then used her magic of flattery on the apothecary, sending him into a dream-like state.vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h38m31s124And it is truly magic, for in the trance, the apothecary hath been transformed into…gay Superman? The wench’s spell did tempt the apothecary with visions of hot women fawning over his pillowed muscles, but Scott, seeing his love in distress, did come to his aid and, through the magic of slapping, break the spell on Weasel.
At the radio station, the apothecary did advise the cowardly lion to ask out the object of her affections. But then the apothecary is tempted by young Scott to use his powers for evil to break up the maiden and the ogre, urging him to demand an apology from the maiden for her terrible crime of playing bad early nineties light rock.
But then the wench did appear on the line, trying to enchant the apothecary with her magical powers. Scott, sensing the wench’s advances, did hang up on her, sending the apothecary into a depressed state.
vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h42m57s208At the fortress of never eaten hamburgers, the wench, the maiden, and the cowardly lion are swooning over Dr. Love. The cowardly lion then revealed that the object of her affections is Scott, and Scott, to make it appear the apothecary’s power is greater than it is, did accept her invitation to a date at the moving pictures establishment. And, by coincidence, the ogre is also taking the maiden there, as is the apothecary taking the wench, whom he delivered a note of appreciation.
vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h43m50s157Though this past Friday in our last stunning tale of bravery on Saved by the Bell, we did see the set designers use a convincing movie theater set, this week we see the effects of the dreaded budget cutbacks as vandals did raid the moving picture house and steal the comfy chairs, thus forcing the proprietors of this fine establishment to use folding chairs to save money.
The ogre did appear with the maiden demanding an apology for her taste in music, and the maiden did tellleth him to fuck offeth. vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h44m31s122And the cowardly lion did squeeze young Scott so hard his intestines did relocate to his head.vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h44m36s185Then, the apothecary did appear disguised as Vladimir Lenin, Secret Agent, and he finds the wench, who does not recognize him as the only student of the school with a bad afro.
There commences lots of waste of time as the ogre doth pursue the apothecary as he purchases popcorn in the theater MARKET, all in hopes of beating the crap out of him, and young Scott, not wanting his dream date to have his face smashed in, diverts the ogre’s attention.vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h46m45s190The apothecary doth return with the popcorn and commences to convince the wench that Weasel is a sexy and fuckable sire. The wench doth laugh to see such sport, however, and the young Weasel ran away far too soon. And the audience doth halfheartedly aww-eth.
At The Max the next day, the apothecary is nowhere to be found, and women with no mind of their own as to how to form a congenial courtship doth pursue Scott demanding that he produce Dr. Love. Everyone doth want the apothecary back on the air, including the great wizard, who has pursued Scott in the great off campus to demand the apothecary be put back on the air.
Weasel walketh into The Max and Scott asks him where he’s been because he has a present in his pants for him and he needs him on the air for a steamy radio broadcast. Weasel replies that he is not a true apothecary and, henceforth, will not put on pretenses of being one.
At the station, Scott is trying to become a doctor of philosophy by putting on pretenses of being Professor Amore, which he apparently believes to be a German name by his accent. The wench, the ogre, and the maiden doth desire an appointment with the true apothecary, though, and Weasel walks into the studio prepared for a final broadcast. The apothecary reveals that he is truly Weasel, which horrifies the wench, the maiden, and the ogre, but especially the wench..
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Weasel doth tell the listeners to follow their hearts and love will find a way and other clichés.vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h51m15s73And Weasel’s speech doth move the girls of the Babe Hall to consider him a fuckable stud muffin, which the writer of this blog doth BET will not be mentioned again after this episode, just like young Weasel’s brief football career. Poor Scott is dejected that he has lost his Weasel once again, and even more dejected that the great wizard has commanded him to leave Babe Hall so he can co-host a radio show with the wizard. Alas, no more staring lustfully at Weasel in Babe Hall for Scott.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Apr 17, 2015 4:08:44 GMT
The New Class Season 1, Episode 6: “George Washington Kissed Here”
We open with some crap from Scott about how drama club is only for dorks just as, you guess it, some stereotypical nerds come running out TO SIGN UP. The writers do realize they’re asking these actors to make fun of themselves in this, right?vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h10m04s227 Weasel signs up declaring how theater is his life, just like being a football MANAGER was his life, or being the engineer at the school radio station. This is his newest life, though, since he apparently played both Dopey and the Princess in a presentation of Snow White. Disturbing.
Scott is feeling smug that he’s correctly identified the demographic of people who enjoy theater when Lindsay comes out and signs up, declaring she needs a way to express herself besides all the other things she does. And Tommy D is behind her moping about how blah blah blah theater is for geeks, prompting Scott to sniff out an opportunity and sign up.
In a great comedy of errors, Vicki sees Scott signing up for the drama club so she signs up as well because she wants to see Scott in tights. Megan’s face says it all.
vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h48m20s83Tommy D has apparently become Mr. Belding’s private mechanic because he calls Tommy D to the office asking him to look at his car again. I haven’t commented on it much but this is turning into a recurring thing. Isn’t there something kind of illegal about taking students out of classes to work on your personal vehicle?
vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h11m51s24 Apparently Mr. Belding’s ’75 Chevette leaked oil all over Mr. Belding’s hands so he needs Tommy D to fix it.
So, to recap, a bunch of people are signing up for Drama Club and Tommy D is fixing Mr. Belding’s car. Exciting stuff. Maybe Miss Simpson will liven things up by coming out and giving Scott a random lap dance.
In walks the nerds followed by Lindsay and Scott, who are distraught because the producers didn’t want to fork out the money to get the actor who played Mr. Bainbridge back so there’s no one to direct the school play, a historical pageant. Mr. Belding is all, “No worries, kids! I’m an all around renaissance man for roles on this show we have no one else to play!”
vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h57m56s22At try outs, Milton is reading for the part of Thomas Jefferson while Weasel is reading for the part of Benjamin Franklin, and Weasel puts a literal Looney Tunes light bulb above Milton’s head to emphasize…Milton is light on his feet? I don’t know.
Next there’s a really boring audition with Lindsay playing Martha Washington and Vicki playing Betsy Ross. And proving that The New Class writers also wrote this fake play, every line they read is expository about Revolutionary War facts.
Scott tells Mr. Belding that his play is boring as shit and that he needs to play to the MTV generation, to which Mr. Belding declares he never misses an episode of Beavis and Butt-head and proceeds to do the most disturbing impression of Butt-head I’ve ever seen in my life.vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h14m50s14Scott makes some changes to the script that naturally lead to a scene being written in where he makes out with Lindsay on-stage just as Tommy D walks in. Mr. Belding interrupts them before Scott can get to first base, about to declare that the changes are even more dumb than the original stupid script, but everyone else likes them so he gives in to high school student pressure.
In the next scene, Mr. Belding already has the cast list out. Weasel was cast as Benjamin Franklin while Megan was cast as “Mrs. Franklin.” In case you’re wondering who the historical Mrs. Franklin was, her name was Deborah Read Franklin and she suffered a number of unfortunate strokes that lead to slurred her speech and degenerated her memory. Oh, and she died two years before her husband signed the Declaration of Independence. But I don’t expect anyone connected with this show to bother to take the five minutes to look up historical facts in an encyclopedia.
Scott has been cast as George Washington and thinks Lindsay is his Martha Washington, but she already knew that she was going to have the role and Tommy D convinced her to give it to Vicki instead, because cast members of a play can totally trade roles at their own whims without the approval of the director. vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h17m24s16At The Max, Weasel is doing his best Donald Duck impersonation and offers to help Scott with his love scenes. The hell? Did Weasel just make a pass at Scott?
Scott decides he needs to convince Vicki that kissing him will give her the dreaded “Bolivian guacamole” disease which, since Vicki is both a dumb shit and a hypochondriac, freaks her the hell out.
At rehearsal, Vicki still shows up to play Martha Washington. Somehow school nurses in this universe are qualified to give vaccines for fake diseases so Vicki convinced the nurse to give her a vaccine for Bolivian guacamole disease.
Weasel comes in and tells Scott he found out Franklin was a ladies’ man. The hell? They took the time to find out Franklin was an adulterer and womanizer but they couldn’t take the time to find out his wife died two years before the events of this play? Anyway, this gives Scott an idea and he convinces Mr. Belding there needs to be a love triangle between George, Ben, and Martha, because, since we’re throwing out any semblance of historical accuracy anyway, might as well go all out.
The thought of kissing Weasel naturally makes Vicki throw up a little so she instantly decides to trade roles with Lindsay…again…because, once again, you can totally do that in a play!
So this leads to a scene at Lindsay’s house involving Scott and Lindsay practicing their lines. Proving once again that Saved by the Bell audiences are the most easily pleased people in the world, Lindsay gives Scott a shoulder massage and they fucking go nuts. Of course, I’m more distracted by the gay pride pound cake on the wall behind them.vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h21m22s90Tommy D barges into Lindsay’s room during the back rub and threatens to rearrange Scott’s face. Proving yet again that Lindsay is the only person who doesn’t see how much of a dick Scott is, she, at Scott’s insistence, pulls the “Why don’t you trust me?” card and Tommy D leaves.
Apparently Tommy D and Weasel passed each other in the hallway without even acknowledging one another because Weasel comes in next to practice his scenes with Lindsay. Lindsay tells Scott to get the hell out because it’s time for another creeper to have a go.
Oh, and there’s this.vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h22m38s104
Next scene, Tommy D manipulates Mr. Belding into writing him into the play so he can keep Scott away from his property. Yeah, that’s really all that happens besides a brief schizophrenic scene of Mr. Belding practicing all the lines alone on stage.
So it’s another rehearsal and Scott is about to kiss Lindsay when Tommy D breaks in playing one of George Washington’s soldiers to interrupt them. Scott is hella pissed that Tommy D is cock blocking him from kissing Tommy D’s girl.
After a commercial break, Lindsay is pissed that Tommy D is preventing Scott from kissing her and thinks he’s a selfish jack ass.
Meanwhile, Scott and Weasel conspire to put dry ice under the hood of Mr. Belding’s car in the hopes he’ll think something is wrong with it and get Tommy D to go fix it. Scott asks Weasel if he’s sure it’ll work and Weasel replies, “Positive-o-mundo.” Where the hell did the writers get their slang from?
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There’s a quick pointless gag about Weasel dropping the lid under the lockers, which are a foot off the ground so there should be no problem retrieving it, all the while trying to keep Mr. Belding from seeing the dry ice. In other words, lots of time wasting. vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h27m55s177So it’s the moment no one’s been waiting for: the play. Weasel and Megan’s scene is pointless and involves Ben Franklin’s dead wife bickering about Franklin’s inventions and propensity to think up all his Poor Richard’s Almanac proverbs in one sitting. And there’s a light bulb again. But the audience goes fucking nuts about it, which leads me to one conclusion: they’re all high. That’s the only way they could like this, improvised character shtick and all. vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h28m23s144Then we have an equally pointless scene involving Vicki as Betsy Ross once again trying to kiss Scott, and the audience loves it, meaning they must have lit up another joint.vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h29m06s114Tommy D is waiting backstage to tell Scott he better back up off his property, and Scott’s all, “Bitch, I’m going to get me some Lindsay poon tonight!” Megan is inexplicably hiding behind the curtain and chews Tommy D out for wanting to punch a jerk who’s trying to steal his girl.
Mr. Belding rushes in begging Tommy D to go check on his precious car, Tommy D apologizes to Lindsay and goes off to look at said car, Lindsay runs after Tommy D despite the fact she’s due on stage momentarily. Yeah, this is a really boring episode. vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h31m03s11Scott comes out and prepares to kiss Lindsay but discovers that, somehow, Vicki has changed from a Betsy Ross outfit to a Martha Washington outfit in a matter of minutes. She kisses Scott, the audience loses their shit, everyone comes out revealing that Lindsay changed into a soldier in a matter of minutes, Tommy D tells us that the dry ice has been removed and he and Lindsay patched things up…on stage…during the play…in front of the audience. Yeah, this is really how quick they’re trying to wrap up all the threads of this episode.vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h32m01s65They SING a horrible song for Mr. Belding to the tune of “Yankee Doodle:”
Mr. Belding went to town riding in a Chevy
Smoke came out beneath his hood and made his heart feel heavy.
Mr. Belding, it’s ok, Tommy will protect her.
Even if your car’s in heat, you’re still a great director!
They do realize that last line has a different implication, right?
Oh, and only our seven main characters apparently deserve a curtain call, because all the extras conveniently disappear, leaving our characters alone on stage bowing as the CREDITS come on.
The hell did I just watch? It was like Saved by the Bell with ADD.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Apr 17, 2015 4:09:14 GMT
The New Class Season 1, Episode 7: “Homecoming King”
We open at a school assembly being held in the gym, and all the students are sitting in metal folding chairs. Boy, the producers were really going all out for sets on this show. I thought the sets on the original series were bad but this is just pathetic.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-12h53m57s181 And what’s this important assembly announcing? Why, the candidates for homecoming king and queen of course! After all, that’s such a prestigious honor it requires an assembly of the entire school, or at least of all the regulars and as many extras as they could gather together. Mr. Belding asks Weasel for the suitcase with the nominations in it. I have no idea why Weasel has this or what it’s doing in a suitcase but I’m learning not to question things on this show. It only gives me a HEADACHE.
The nominees for homecoming queen are Lindsay and that slut Christie Lovejoy, whom we won’t see again in this episode.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-12h54m24s168And Tommy D apparently thinks he is a nominee for homecoming queen. After all, he stands up when the names are announced. He quickly realizes his mistake, though, and tries to play it off as being happy for Lindsay.
For homecoming king, the first nominee is Pervis Beetlebaum, whom we also won’t see again in this episode but was apparently named after a cross between Beetle Bailey and a new brand of lip ointment.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-12h55m02s36 The other nominee is Chad Westerfield, who we’ll unfortunately be seeing a lot of in this episode. Chad immediately begins trying to charm everyone, starting with our female regulars, insinuating he would fuck any one of them. He’s so transparently fake it’s any wonder why this plot has to happen at all. I wonder who played this douche canoe. Couldn’t be anyone of note. Let’s look at IMDB.
cyclopsYou’re kidding me, right? Please tell me you’re fucking kidding me. James Marsden, Cyclops in the X-Men films, played this idiot? How could someone famous and successful have gotten his start on this show? Isn’t putting this show on your resume an automatic career killer? My mind is blown. I’m okay with people getting their start in the original series, but THIS abomination? Jesus….
Anyway, we’re on to our other subplot of the episode: Lindsay’s mom not liking Tommy D. Lindsay’s all, “Tommy D, you just need to get to know my mother better. She’ll really like you once she realizes you have a trait or two different from Slater.”vlcsnap-2014-05-10-12h56m21s33We cut to Lindsay’s room where, instead of making sweet passionate love, Tommy D and Lindsay are insulting the people of France through Tommy D’s horrible and insulting fake French accent, which is apparently required to speak French.
Lindsay’s mom walks in and Tommy D immediately insults her by calling her a “tres grande womano.” She says excuse me, which could mean she’s confused by his insulting attempt to speak broken French, but Lindsay says it’s because he called her a very big…womano. Also, Tommy D ate an entire chocolate cake that Lindsay’s mom had baked for desert. Is he the Alan of this series?vlcsnap-2014-05-10-12h57m24s180After Tommy D leaves, Lindsay’s mom sits Lindsay down for a heart to heart about that not so fresh feeling women get. She also mentions something about falling behind in her advanced classes and the fact that being with her boyfriend every minute might not be the healthiest thing in the world. And I actually was liking Lindsay’s mom up until the point she tells Lindsay she’s too young to only be with one boy and should be more promiscuous. Yeah, that’ll solve all her problems.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-12h58m45s202At The Max, Chad is practically giving blow jobs to Milton, Kirby, and Weasel in exchange for their votes. Milton has high expectations and wanted to take Julia Roberts to the homecoming dance because Julia Roberts totally takes random high school clichés to dances. Weasel is showing his desperation like usual, and there’s a moment where Kirby, Milton, and Weasel all stare creepily at Megan as they imagine what it would be like to feel the touch of a woman. Chad says that he might ask Megan to the dance and, as he walks away, the three practically bow down at his feet and worship him as their new idol.
We then see Chad with some more random extras, where he explains that he’s only hanging around these losers to get votes, just in case you didn’t see through the transparency of this plot. Oh, and Chad thinks that homecoming king will look impressive on his high school record because ivy league schools always admit the homecoming king automatically. Fuck SATs scores and grades!
Weasel relays Chad’s interest in Megan, who gives the worst half-hearted giving a damn performance I’ve seen an actor do in this franchise yet.
vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h00m00s201The rest of the gang comes in and Tommy D is upset that Lindsay is going to date other guys. She insists that he’s the only one she truly wants inside of her but that she’s going to have to let other men have a go at her to satisfy her mom’s controlling whims.
Vicki gets the idea for Lindsay to only pretend to fuck someone else but to let Tommy D pinch hit at the last minute, and Scott is more than willing to volunteer for the job. Tommy D asks Scott whether he can trust him, apparently forgetting the events of the previous six episodes. vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h00m50s193
We cut to our new favorite movie theater with the folding chairs, and Scott is kissing up to Lindsay in an effort to get in her pants. Between this and a cut to The Max, we realize that Scott misled Tommy D on where they would be so that he could do the nasty with Lindsay, and this surprises absolutely no one. vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h02m24s89Just as Lindsay and Scott are about to kiss, Tommy D appears as the Great Gazoo and reminds Scott of his promise to be trustworthy. For the first time in this show, Scott feels guilty over something and decides to rush Lindsay back to The Max so that he can hopefully get a threesome going with Tommy D.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h03m06s7Mr. Belding enters The Max with Lindsay’s mom and some other random adults whom are all supposed to be chaperons for the dance. Mr. Belding has brought them all here to treat them to coffee and waffles in appreciation for chaperoning the dance they haven’t chaperoned yet, because nothing spells appreciation for something you haven’t done yet like coffees and waffles at the place your kids hang out. We also get some throwaway lines about how Mr. Belding went to school with Lindsay’s mom and voted for her the year she became homecoming queen. Yeah, they’re apparently trying to go for the overbearing mother who wants a daughter just like her even though this goes absolutely nowhere the rest of the episode.
Scott and Lindsay rush into The Max and feign the worst surprise ever when they see Lindsay’s mom. Tommy D comes out with tunnel vision focused on the fact that he realizes Scott was trying to get in Lindsay’s pants, and he completely spills the plan for pinch hitting because he doesn’t bother to look two feet to his right. vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h04m21s20Lindsay’s mom is pissed off that Lindsay lied to her, so naturally her solution is to continue to be an overbearing bitch and forbid Lindsay from going to the dance with Tommy D. Lindsay declares that her mom is an idiot and that if she can’t go with Tommy D she’s just not going, which is actually quite reasonable.
Back at Bayside, Weasel is acting uncharacteristically nonchalant about the possibility of Chad asking Megan to the dance, almost even acting happy for her, or as good of acting as this actor is capable of. Chad comes up and is about to ask Megan when Vicki interrupts them to report the plot we just saw in the last scene. Chad smells rebound sex and leaves to plot his fucking of Lindsay.
Meanwhile, Scott and Tommy D come in. Scott sits on top of a garbage can because it’s where he most feels at home as Tommy D tells him that Lindsay’s going to be homecoming queen and not even be there because that slut Christie Lovejoy can’t possibly WIN. Tommy D goes over and tells Lindsay that they should see other people and Lindsay just gives an unenthusiastic, uninspired, “If that’s how you feel.” Scott declares that he now knows what the “D” stands for. Um, I thought we established a couple episodes ago it was “De Luca” because that’s his last name. But Scott declares it means “decent dude,” because…I got nothing. I wish they would stop making puns about Tommy D’s last name. It’s getting really old. vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h07m06s110 Meanwhile, because everything in Bayside High revolves around what’s going on in this episode, Chad comes in and interrupts the class to read a poem to the girl he’s going to ask to the dance. Of course, as the poem is read, Megan is convinced it’s going to be her because it has such inspired lyrics.
There is a man who would be king, Who searched round every corner, To find the girl who’d make him SING, Now he’s found her, Lindsay Warner.
Truly an inspired piece of literature ranking up there with the sonnets of Shakespeare and the odes of Keats.
Megan runs out crushed, and Weasel is there to swoop in and comfort her. He asks her to the dance and, since everyone else is breaking character during this episode, she accepts.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h09m27s218Meanwhile, Scott and Vicki have hatched a plan to elect Tommy D homecoming king, because that will apparently solve the subplot with Mrs. Warner. It involves Scott taking one of the regular female nerds of the series, Claire, to the dance and really kissing her and her friends’ asses so that they will write in Tommy D. And, since no one in this universe has any semblance of reason, they don’t see through it.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h10m35s145 Vicki’s role involves taking Meat to the dance, who is busy devouring a cupcake since his thing is eating. Maybe he’s actually Alan! By buttering Meat up she successfully secures the dumb jock vote.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h12m13s104Weasel gets Mr. Belding out of his office on the pretense that someone has dumped detergent in the swimming pool because that’s a believable thing in the Saved by the Bell universe. Scott and Chad come in, and Scott tells Chad that he’s worried Tommy D will be elected. Chad is all, “Tommy D’s a dumb jock while I’m…a dumb womanizing douche! Douches rule jocks any day!” Scott turns on the microphone for the PA system as Chad insults every clique at Bayside.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h13m46s15And every clique at Bayside reacts completely logically by throwing paper at the PA speaker. Check out #65 in the foreground there who’s all, “Whatchu talkin’ bout Willis?”vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h14m33s230Scott takes one more pot shot at Chad by taking a page from the Zack Morris book and putting a conveniently pre-printed, “I’m a Jerk” sign on Chad’s back because he just happened to have those in case he ever needed to use them.
vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h14m55s186THANK god it’s finally time to show this dance rather than just keep talking about it, and things are getting crazy up in this bitch as the random muzak that plays at every Bayside dance is in full swing! And, wouldn’t you know it, we’re starting off with Mr. Belding and Weasel showing off their dance moves.
vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h15m27s8Claire is quite literally dancing on Scott’s feet. I love her pink Chuck Taylors here but I have to ask: when were these “geekish” things? As far as I know, Chuck Taylors have always been a hipster thing.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h15m34s76Meat has some meat in hand and some cole slaw in his pants that he promptly offers Lindsay a bite of. That sentence is wrong on so many levels.
Meanwhile, Lindsay apparently went deaf when Chad insulted the whole school earlier because neither one of them seem to have any idea why everyone else is glaring at Chad.
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And finally it’s time to find out the results of the homecoming election. The WINNER of homecoming queen is a write in candidate, Megan. Scott asks how this could possibly have happened and Kirby tells him that Megan went to the dance with a geek and they all want to fuck her, so all the geeks voted for her. So…why didn’t they vote for Scott for homecoming king using that logic?
Megan tells Lindsay she’s sorry Lindsay lost and Lindsay tells Megan that, if she had to lose, she’s glad it was to Megan, which is a hell of a lot nicer than how Megan and Vicki acted when they lost to Lindsay a few episodes ago.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h17m40s49Of course, Tommy D WINS homecoming king and…what the hell is he wearing? Weasel is supposed to be the nerd but does Tommy D really feel this is appropriate dance attire?
Chad calls Tommy D a loser and Lindsay tell Chad to fuck off because Tommy D is a good lay.
vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h18m25s239Tommy D says he doesn’t want to be homecoming king if Lindsay can’t be his queen and Mr. Belding declares Chad the winner because the producers didn’t want to give Pervis Beetlebaum any lines.
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Mr. Belding says it’s time for the traditional king and queen dance, but Megan breaks tradition because she ain’t nobody’s rebound fuck! She shows Chad up by dancing with Weasel instead. *snap* *snap* And what do you want to BET that Weasel and Megan are back in their usual adversarial relationship next week?
Lindsay’s mom says she was wrong about Tommy D and that she wants a piece of that hot flannel clad piece of ass now.
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Even though it hasn’t been mentioned the rest of the episode that Vicki still wants Scott’s hot man chowder, Scott cuts in on Vicki and Meat and gives Vicki the time of her life. Mr. Belding gets it on with Lindsay’s mom, and Chad gets his comeuppance in the form of Meat spilling punch on his white jacket, because dry cleaning is apparently a sufficient punishment for how much of an asshole he was the whole episode. I guess this is why Cyclops was driven from society and became a part of the X-Men: to get revenge on Bayside for his dry cleaning bill.
Firsts: Claire, Scott isn’t an asshole.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Apr 17, 2015 4:09:55 GMT
The New Class Season 1, Episode 8: “Belding’s Baby”
When I started reviewing this series, I said that you don’t need to know a lot about the later seasons of Saved by the Bell to understand this show. This is one of the rare exceptions. Basically, what you need to know to understand this episode is that Mr. Belding received a bundle of joy during the fourth season he named Zack and often refers to as “Little Zack.” That’s all you really need to know so I won’t spoil anymore. We’ll get to that episode sometime next year.
vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h11m49s223We open with Weasel in his natural environment, a trash can. He’s scared shitless because he says Mr. Belding has been acting even more crazed than usual handing out arbitrary punishments so, of course, the natural course of action was to hide in the trash can.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h12m25s75And, wouldn’t you know, right then Mr. Belding comes around the corner chasing the football team yelling at them for…tying their shoes in the hall? The hell…I would think even the writers of this show could come up with a better excuse for Mr. Belding to be mad at the football team than this.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h12m36s192Next Mr. Belding yells at Lindsay and Tommy D for holding hands in the hallway which, by Saved by the Bell audience standards, is probably like third base. He also gets on Megan for drinking soda in the hallway even though he admits that’s never been a rule before.
Scott asks Mr. Belding if there’s anything he can do to make Mr. Belding’s day better and Mr. Belding is all, “Fuck off! DETENTION!” He then throws Megan’s soda in the trash can and Weasel, being a dumb ass, throws it back out. Mr. Belding demands that both Scott and Weasel come to his office for spankings.
Yeah, not that one bit of this episode makes sense, but there’s a solution to this, kids. Go tell your parents and have them file a formal complaint with the school board. If the principal is acting this erratic, there are ways to reign him in. But that would be inconvenient to the plot.
vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h13m37s14In Mr. Belding’s office…whoa, check out that sweet Macintosh! We had one of those in my fifth grade class! It was such a step up from the Apple IIe computers we had before that we thought we were in heaven! What I wouldn’t give to be playing Oregon Trail on one of those right now rather than reviewing this crappy ass show!vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h14m19s129Anyway, the three enter Mr. Belding’s office as the phone is ringing. Mrs. Belding is on the other end and we learn that Mr. Belding is in a shitty ass mood because he hasn’t gotten any sweet poon on account of not being able to find a babysitter.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h15m08s164Scott, like a great white, smells blood in the water and volunteers himself and Weasel to watch Little Zack. He’s all, “I was president of the babysitter’s club at Valley, just like I was on the radio station even though that was a complete lie.” Since Mr. Belding’s completely clueless, he agrees to put the life of his infant son in incompetent hands if it means he might be able to get his dick wet.
At The Max, Scott is pissed that the girls all have lives of their own and don’t want to help do women’s work and babysit. So, it falls to Scott and Weasel to watch a helpless infant for the night. vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h18m17s255 We cut to our folding chair movie theater where, because it’s one of the only sets available, Lindsay, Tommy D, Megan, and Vicki are all on dates as Weasel enters with a baby carriage that he proceeds to push down the stairs. Luckily, Little Zack was not inside and is, instead, being carried by the relatively more competent of the two, Scott. They decided that, since Little Zack was asleep, they would come see a movie because it makes complete sense to bring a sleeping baby to a loud movie.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h18m45s41Now, throughout this review, you’ll note that Little Zack’s facial expressions sum up what we’re all thinking about this episode in the moment, starting with this one: I’m so bored to death with this episode I could just fall asleep right now. vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h19m22s150Followed by, “Why the hell do you have me in this shitty ass show? I want to go home and avoid being scarred for life!”
In perhaps the most predictable thing of this series to date, Little Zack starts crying in the theater, pissing off everyone else inside. Scott and Weasel try to get him to shut the hell up, but he’s all like, “Fuck you both. I’m gonna do what I want.” Weasel tries to give him some milk and Little Zack tells Weasel what he thinks of this. vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h20m13s89
They finally take Little Zack out to the lobby, where they continue to be unsuccessful at getting him to accept his lot as an actor on The New Class. Then, a stranger comes up and starts serenading Little Zack with song.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h20m56s69Little Zack is all, “You’re pretty and you’re smart enough to never appear on this show again after this episode so I think I like you more than these dumb shits.” He stops crying and Scott instantly gets a hard on over this girl.
Turns out our girl is named Ashley Barrett and she’s a student at Pacific Coast High. Boy, The New Class is really inventing new schools left and right to create new plot contrivances. Ashley, rather than asking how Scott is related to the baby, assumes the baby is his little brother. Scott plays along and says that Mr. Belding is his father, which causes Weasel to have a stroke.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h22m03s225Ashley says her mom is a photographer and needs a model for a new diaper ad. Scott not only plays along but says that Little Zack has been on the cover of “Playbaby magazine.”
Let’s think about this for a moment, The New Class writers. You just implied that Scott is saying Mr. Belding’s infant son has been in a magazine which, judging by the title, is a NAMBLA publication. Of course, these writers think that holding hands is risqué so they’ve probably never seen an issue of Playboy and probably think it’s a toy catalog.
Scott is desperate to get his dick wet since Lindsay is selfish and won’t bump her boyfriend for him, so he agrees to bring some of Little Zack’s photos to the studio the next day. Oh, and Ashley just happens to have some of her mom’s business cards in her purse, which is very odd and convenient.
vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h23m25s235The next day, Mr. Belding is way too happy about having had an orgasm the night before. He and his wife apparently got it on at “Santa’s Village.” So…did they scar a bunch of kids for life?
Mr. Belding wants to know when Scott can babysit again and Scott offers to do so at lunch because it’s totally normal for a high school student to babysit his principal’s baby during the school day. Mr. Belding’s overjoyed at this news and gives Scott a bad touch.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h24m37s171 And not only is the gang babysitting Little Zack during the school day, but they’ve also cleared out a classroom to use for a photo shoot because the faculty and staff of Bayside are all high and didn’t notice them moving furniture out of a classroom.
vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h25m58s13The gang all start waving toys in Little Zack’s face trying to get him to smile, and Little Zack is all, “What the fuck am I doing here and why are you people in my face. I could be watching mother fuckin’ Teletubbies right now rather than dealing with this bull shit!” vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h26m14s169Weasel decides to try SINGING to Little Zack since it worked with Ashley and poor Little Zack just looks bewildered as Weasel sings the Gilligan’s Island theme song to him. Little Zack is all, “Fuck this shit! If it will get this dumb ass to shut the hell up, I’ll do anything! He smiles for the pictures and instantly becomes the most talented actor who’s appeared on this show so far.
vlcsnap-2014-05-19-21h54m56s140At the photo studio, Ashley’s mom, Gwen, loves the photos and wants to schedule a photo shoot.
vlcsnap-2014-05-19-21h56m33s98She wants to have the photo shoot at 1:00 pm tomorrow and Scott agrees because obviously he can just leave school at will with his principal’s baby. The complication, of course, is that there has to be an adult present, but Scott’s all, “Don’t worry! I’ll come up with a convoluted scheme to pull this off!”
We then have the most forced dream sequence to date in the franchise as Scott imagines what it would be like to be married to Ashley, a girl he’s known for two days. vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h27m32s182And we get some of the most disturbing images of the franchise’s twelve year run as Scott imagines Ashley and his baby as being Mr. Belding dressed in baby clothes. Be horrified at what you are about to see. It may be more disturbing than any horror movie you’ll ever see.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h27m59s201 vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h28m32s19 vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h29m10s139 Did they really need an excuse to dress Dennis Haskins up as a baby? Was this a scene that we just couldn’t live without? I need to wash my eyes out with acid now.
At school the next day, Scott has the gang preparing to don disguises to help him with his scheme. The problem becomes that Mr. Belding has decided to dare to spend some quality time with his son. How dare him! Scott tells the others to go stall Gwen and Ashley while he and Tommy D go take care of Mr. Belding. vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h31m12s85Why. Why is this happening. Why does anyone fall for anything these idiots say. Why is it in this universe any idiot can put on a bad disguise and fool a woman who appears to be intelligent into believing they’re Little Zack’s grandparents. WHY I ASK YOU? vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h31m40s110The stalling seems to be working at their end so let’s go find out what’s going with Mr. Belding. vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h32m52s52Oh, look. His idea of bonding with his son is taking him to the shitty restaurant his teenaged students hang out at. vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h33m10s35Mr. Belding is trying to feed Little Zack strained brussel sprouts. Little Zack is all, “Who the fuck do you think you are? Get that spoon out of my face before I shove it up your ass!”vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h33m52s193So Mr. Belding puts on a…bad bird hat? vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h35m00s59Little Zack is all, “Yo, you scaring me dawg! You had too much angel dust today! I want my real daddy before this psycho does something to me!”vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h35m24s41Scott and Tommy D rush in and tell Mr. Belding his car has an oil leak and a flat tire because that’s Tommy D’s thing: being Mr. Belding’s personal mechanic. Mr. Belding doesn’t buy the bull shit for once, though, since his wife has the car today. So, they make up an ego stroking story that he will buy: he is being photographed for the “Principal Dad of the Year” contest. Anything that inflates Mr. Belding’s sense of self-worth is believable, so they rush over to the photo studio just as Gwen is beginning to realize every person on this show is insane.
The bull shit lasts about a minute before Weasel sexually harasses Vicki in a closet and Mr. Belding finally gets a clue and wants to know what’s going on. vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h37m31s29Scott comes clean and this entire episode was a big waste of time because Mr. Belding didn’t care about Little Zack being photographed and actually thought it was a good idea.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h38m52s70And, to top off the bull shit, Ashley is a complete dumb ass who has low self esteem and, despite Scott lying to her, thinks it’s sexy that he lied to be with her. And they share a kiss that makes the audience lose their shit. Of course, it’ll be the only kiss they’ll ever share since she’ll never be mentioned on the show again.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h39m03s196And we end with…Weasel seemingly still delusional that he’s Little Zack’s grandfather.
Little Zack says this episode was a huge pile of bullshit and a waste of everyone’s time involved and doesn’t understand how this show could have lasted seven years.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Apr 17, 2015 4:10:43 GMT
The New Class Season 1, Episode 9: “Good-bye Megan”
Silly me. When I saw the title for this episode, I assumed it would be a rip-off of “Aloha Slater.” How could I have been so naive? I should have known it would be a rip off of “Aloha Slater” AND “Pinned to the Mat” because, wouldn’t you know it, it’s career week at Bayside High!vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h02m30s191And, oh look, Vicki wants to be Lorena Bobbitt when she grows up!vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h02m48s120And Tommy D must be having a heart attack because Lindsay is listening to his heart and hearing it say words like, “I want to fuck your brains out!”vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h03m20s199Weasel loves the plumber’s booth because they’re GIVING AWAY free toilets. Yeah, that makes complete sense.
But the important thing to remember this episode is that Megan wants to be a doctor.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h03m32s58Meanwhile, in plot B, Milton and Kirby are signing up to be assistant principals for the week, because it’s totally acceptable to pull two students out of classes for an entire week just to help you.
And disaster strikes when the police chief calls and says that he can’t be the career week speaker because he was bitten by McGruff the Crime Dog, who is a person in an oversized dog costume. Oh, I wish this was the episode where Screech came back so I could speculate on whether it was him in that suit or not! But what ever will they do? Oh, through the power of plot contrivance, turns out Megan’s father is a famous judge who’s never been mentioned on the show before so Mr. Belding guilts her into asking him to be the speaker.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h05m01s171In Megan’s room, the girls are dancing very poorly…for some reason. But don’t worry. That has absolutely nothing to do with anything else in this episode, no sarcasm intended.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h05m38s37And in walks Megan’s father, Judge Thurston Jones, complaining about the racket those damned kids are making even though the music wasn’t turned up very loud. I do have to give CREDIT where credit is due, though. It’s kind of clever having Judge Jones played by Bianca Lawson’s real-life father, Richard Lawson. You might recognize Lawson as a recurring character on such shows as All My Children, Dynasty, and Chicago Story. Not that the target demographic would have watched any of these shows, but it’s still a neat nod.
The girls are getting ready to go see a movie with Christian Slater in a bathing suit (which causes the audience to lose their shit…) but before Megan leaves, Judge Jones asks to talk to her. Judge Jones is pissed that Megan is only making straight As and wants her to invent a new grade even higher. To that end, he’s pressuring her to go to a private school called Willowbrook Academy. This is because Megan wants to go to Harvard and we all know that no one who goes to Harvard ever comes from public school. Why that’s just preposterous!vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h07m57s128The next day Megan’s pissed that no one wants to go to some career seminar with her because she finds it hard to believe not all teenagers obsess over their FUTURE careers. To that end, she has a fantasy sequence where she imagines everyone but her failing in life.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h08m08s6It’s twenty years down the road and Megan is a surgeon who wears scrubs to a class reunion because it’s her fantasy. Imagine, she probably had to rush over directly out of surgery and still has blood and tissue and ick all over her.
vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h08m25s176Tommy D is chief blimp inflator for Goodyear. Yeah…vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h08m39s58Lindsay is a waitress at The Max, married to Tommy D, and has become a Roseanne impersonator.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h08m57s203Scott is a pervy man-whore who wears short shorts and hangs out with bikini clad women at a hot tub all day.
vlcsnap-2014-05-25-19h26m03s146Weasel is on the Olympic video game team, because I guess you need…really big, obviously fake thumbs to play video games in a non-existent Olympic sport.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h09m45s206And Vicki is a crazy cat lady who watches soap operas all day. Now this is a transformation I can actually believe!
What a bitch! Megan is fantasizing that all of her friends will fail miserably while she succeeds, just because they didn’t want to attend a stupid career seminar!
Mr. Belding calls Megan to his office as Kirby and Milton come around the corner giving Scott and Tommy D detention for not being in class. The only purpose of this scene seems to be to set up a plan for Scott and Tommy D to become the new assistant principals so they can get late passes.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h11m30s222In Mr. Belding’s office, Judge Jones shows up to tell Megan that she’s been accepted to Willowbrook Academy, because private schools always make such decisions in only a day.
The next day the gang is bemoaning Megan’s departure in two weeks (because it’s quite common to transfer in the middle of a semester apparently) as Milton and Kirby catch the gang out of class. Tommy D engages in some terroristic threatening to get them to quit, and it works like a charm. Charm is something not a one of these characters possess, though.
vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h13m05s128At The Max, Stephanie and Tracy, two students from Willowbrook, are talking to Megan about what it will be like there. The writers are trying to play these two characters off as Professor von Snickity Bitch and Mrs. Stickupherass, but they really just come off as mildly snobbish. When Lindsay, Vicki, and Weasel come in and meet them, they instantly don’t like the two because they’re mildly rude and call Weasel, “Hamster.” Haha I wish that was his name.
So, because the three don’t like these two girls, they instantly become convinced that Megan will be miserable at Willowbrook because Stephanie and Tracy are the only two students at this school. But they don’t want to ruin this opportunity for Megan so they decide to play it off as if they’re happy for her. And it’s not like Megan can just come hang out with her friends at The Max once she’s in a new school. After all, there’s a ban on students from other schools there. Well, except for all the students from other schools we’ve seen there.
Meanwhile, Mr. Belding appoints Scott and Tommy D the new assistant principals, but, instead of hallway monitor duty, he gives them trophy polishing duty, which includes the 1968 state yodeling championship trophy, which was EARNED by Mr. Belding and one Otto Huntmeyer. Force plot points in much? After all, this was the period when Mr. Belding was supposedly a rock music rebel.
vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h16m53s132The gang decide to throw a good-bye party for Megan at The Max as we enter “Aloha Slater” territory, and they were kind enough to invite all the nameless extras.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h17m03s233Why, good-bye, random nameless girl, I’ll miss you most of all.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h17m13s81
And Kirby tries to sexually harass Megan by request a big sloppy kiss, saying he’ll miss being rejected by her. vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h17m35s36Meat is so broken up over the whole thing he can barely eat his meat. Lindsay and Vicki get her a sweater.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h18m28s67But, best of all, The Max has decided to dedicate a new sandwich in Megan’s honor, the Megan Mega-Monster Meatball Sub. First of all, how the hell does that have anything to do with Megan. Second, who, besides Meat, could possibly eat that entire sandwich? And how much would it cost?
The gang break down and reveal they don’t really want Megan to go because they’ll never see her again despite the fact that she’s not moving, and Tommy D even threatens to assault her if she leaves, which is kind of disturbing. Megan then breaks down and reveals she doesn’t really want to leave but Judge Jones has his heart set on it. And that could only mean one thing: time for a horrible Scott Erickson plan to change the judge’s mind.
At Bayside, Scott and Tommy D have tracked down Otto, Mr. Belding’s old yodeling partner, and arranged for a reunion in the middle of the school day because administrators can apparently take off randomly like that. Mr. Belding is worried about who will give Judge Jones a tour and they assure him that, as assistant principals, they will do it.
Really? This is the pay off of the stupid B-plot? It was all to accommodate a Scott Erickson plan? I want to reach through the screen and slap them all.
vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h20m58s19So the first part of the plan is for Scott and Tommy D to wear uniforms despite the fact that no one else in the school is wearing school uniforms.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h21m13s168And for Scott to talk in a really horrible posh sounding accent and brag about fake accomplishments that make Bayside better than Willowbrook.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h22m17s44This includes Vicki coming in and declaring that the Bayside polo team beat the Willowbrook team because I’m sure Judge Jones has completely forgotten that he knows Vicki.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h22m44s67And Lindsay announces fake clubs, such as the “Investment Banker’s Club” and the “FUTURE United States Presidents.” Yeah, this doesn’t seem staged at all.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h23m08s39But the worst is yet to come. Hello, casual racism, our old friend. See, Weasel has become an Indian FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT and immediately starts talking like Apu from The Simpsons if Apu had a SINUS cold. And this is totally believable because there are lots of short white guys in India.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h24m05s104
And I don’t know which is worse: Weasel’s casual racism or Mr. Belding in lederhosen. Turns out The Max kicked him out for yodeling in the middle of their restaurant which, given the things we’ve witnessed there in the past, should not come as much of a surprise. Judge Jones starts recapping all the fake achievements Scott and Tommy D have been regaling him with and the gig is up.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h24m56s105They finally confess that the whole thing was an act and Judge Jones is all, “No shit, dumb ass!” He says he saw through it from the beginning but wanted to see how far they would take it. You know, Judge Jones may have just instantly become my favorite character on this show so far. He sees through the gang’s bullshit and he’s not afraid to berate them. Plus he’s played by a semi-successful actor.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h26m00s232Judge Jones gives his speech to some assembled extras about how the facts alone aren’t always enough and sometimes you have to follow your heart. He says whatever career they choose, they will need honesty, determination, and the support of good friends, which means Megan is staying both because the season isn’t over yet and because she can’t possibly be friends with the people at Bayside if she’s going to another school. Everyone’s ecstatic that Megan’s staying and Judge Jones wraps up his speech by saying he’ll see them all again in three years when Megan graduates. I hate to break it to you, Judge Jones, but no, no you won’t.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Apr 17, 2015 4:11:22 GMT
The New Class Season 1, Episode 10: “Swap Meet”
Welcome back to my personal torture that is Saved by the Bell: The New Class. This week, we’ll be stereotyping and denigrating something that is very dear to my heart: comic books. Now I have no qualms about admitting it: I am a certified geek. I am also what some have come to call a “socially acceptable” geek, that is, one who is able to function very well in society, unlike the stereotypes we see in the Saved by the Bell universe. For me, geekdom started with two things: Star Trek and comic books. Today, we’re going to see a bunch of stupid, ignorant writers completely miscategorize the latter of the two.
See, comics are an amazing storytelling medium. They can bring stories to life in ways that no other media can. Graphic novels such as The Watchmen, V for Vendetta, The Walking Dead, All-Star Superman, We3, and Fables prove that comics aren’t just for kids, or geeks, anymore. In 1992, a year before this episode, Maus, a graphic novel by underground legend Art Spiegelman, even won the Pulitzer Prize for his amazing Animal Farm-like depiction of his father’s experience during the German holocaust. Comics are studied in universities today and the taboo against grown women and men enjoying comics is nearly gone.
But don’t tell that to the writers of The New Class. vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h09m50s28Right, you’ve had enough commentary. Let’s get this over with. We open…with people pulling lots of random stuff out of their lockers for a school swap meet. Token Native American extra in the foreground seems to have a vacuum cleaner while the extra behind him has a sleeping bag.
vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h10m00s143And Lindsay has a pink stuffed monkey…Scott has t-shirts with holes in them…vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h10m06s208And Vicki has a hair salon dryer…vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h10m22s109That…gives scalp massages…vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h11m18s158Oh god…and Mr. Belding has mounted his goldfish for sell….
vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h11m48s208And Weasel has a collection of Slinkies that are all twisted together…
Okay, why the hell do all these people have all this random junk at school? It looks like the prop department was just throwing everything at the wall this episode hoping something would get some laughs. Congratulations, they failed miserably on all counts. Wait, more importantly, why the hell is a school sponsoring a swap meet to begin with? Do classes only occur when they conveniently do not interfere with plot points?
Oh, and, yeah, Mr. Belding has really bad ALLERGIES now because it was needed for the stupid subplot and because sneezing is now considered the funniest thing on the planet. vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h14m09s75Welcome back, Crunch. It figures that the man-boy stupid enough to believe Scott was a female is the one buying his t-shirts with holes in them for $10 a piece. Oh, and don’t worry, that goes absolutely nowhere. And either Crunch never figured out the deception from the last episode or he discovered through his dates with Scott that he enjoys the love that dare not speak its name.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h15m17s251Mr. Belding discovers a bottle of perfume called “Jungle Passions” on the girls’ table, which just happens to be a perfume that isn’t made anymore that Mrs. Belding loves. He buys it as her anniversary present and proceeds to beat his chest in his worst George of the Jungle imitation.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h15m37s184And it’s more stereotypes for our little train wreck of an episode in the form of the Dorkman brothers, whose purpose is to sexually harass Megan and Vicki. Oh that hilarious sexual harassment.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h16m23s141And, inexplicably, it’s another semi-successful actress who got her start on The New Class. Ladies and gentleman, I present the girl of one face and mood, Sarah Lancaster as Rachel Meyers. You may recognize her horrible acting from Scrubs, Everwood, and Chuck, but she got her start on this shitty show. This is Rachel’s only appearance this season, but she plays a much larger role in four more episodes.
So Rachel’s role here is basically to give Scott an erection and make him go to stupid lengths to get tickets to a Janet Jackson concert because she apparently loves Janet Jackson. As usual, Scott is disingenuous in his efforts as he hates Janet Jackson’s belly button. Makes no sense but it is ironic in light of what happened a few Superbowls ago.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h17m24s235Scott is desperate to find $200 to buy the tickets but the boys have only made $10, despite the fact that Crunch just bought Scott’s t-shirts for $20. Jesus, it still wouldn’t be enough to buy the tickets but can’t we MANAGE to be consistent within the same scene?
Weasel spent the $10 on comic books which must mean he spent the other $10 on hookers and blow. But, low and behold, one of the comics is the ultra-rare issue #59 of Defender Dog, especially ultra-rare because it’s not a real comic. Weasel’s insistent that the comic book is worth a lot because it has a misprint of Defender Dog with a Milk Bone for a tail. Number one…is this really what the writers believe a comic misprint is? Someone had to draw that picture. It doesn’t just pop magically out of thin air on the printing press. Number two, even if it is a misprint, comic misprints rarely are worth more than the regular comic. In fact, more often than not, this causes a comic to decrease in value. Basically, this entire scene and plot is bull shit.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h18m08s161Scott and Weasel leave the comic in Tommy D’s hands so they can go call someone named Honolulu Harry and find out how much the comic is worth. A cut later, Weasel says the comic is worth $600 (*cough* bull shit *cough) and the duo start bumping butts in celebration, which strangely doesn’t put off the approaching Rachel, who is ecstatic that Scott is going to take her to the Janet Jackson concert.
Meanwhile, Tommy D, the idiot he is, has sold the comic to the Dorkman brothers for $9 despite the fact that he was just told to hang on to it until they found out how much it was worth. If this comic got any more forced, I might have to beat my head against the wall.
At The Max, it’s time for Scott to try and con the Dorkman brothers out of the comic book for $50, which they reasonably refuse. vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h20m36s114This sends Scott to plan B, which is to whore Megan and Vicki out on a date at the folding chair movie theater with the Dorkman brothers. Their sole purpose, of course, is to try to use fucking as a means to get the comic back. We have an excruciatingly long scene that tries to force out more humor based on geek stereotypes before we cut back to Bayside. vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h22m29s195We discover the Dorkman brothers sold the comic to Crunch to buy the girls lockets, which, like little bitches, they refuse. I swear, so far the Dorkman brothers have done absolutely nothing to deserve this treatment. All this over the damned comic book that Tommy D was idiotic enough to sell to begin with!vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h23m29s52Scott decides he has to find Crunch so he can get the comic back, but not before Weasel does his impersonation of “Chinese square dancing,” which I can’t decide if it’s racist or not since the reference makes no sense. You can’t just throw two things together and call it a joke. If that was the case, I could say “Antarctic guitar” or “Russian surfing” or “Kenyan skydiving” or “Full House funny” and you guys would just be falling over in hysterics. Okay, I admit, the last one is so unbelievable it’s funny.
Meanwhile, the writers remembered they had a subplot and Lindsay runs down the stairs to reveal that the bottle they sold Mr. Belding is actually her grandmother’s travel bottle of arthritis rub, made out of congealed sulfur and fish oil. Boy the writers on this show really love their fish oil. For whatever reason, they refuse to take the sensible route and simply tell Mr. Belding about the mistake and refund his money because that wouldn’t allow for these stupid hijinks. Instead, we get a scene where the girls try to get the bottle away from Mr. Belding while he can’t smell the perfume because of his allergies. vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h26m12s135In his quest to find Crunch, Scott runs into Rachel, who is super stoked to be going to Janet Jackson and reveals she gave up a Southern California ski trip to go to the concert. She gives Scott a kiss on the cheek, sending the audience into hysterics and leaving Scott glancing lustfully at the girl he hopes will take his cursed virginity.
vlcsnap-2014-06-07-21h29m46s243Crunch then comes around the corner and reveals that he will not give up the comic because he’s a huge Defender Dog fan and issue 59 was the only one missing from his collection. He also barks and talks about tap dancing. Yeah.
Because what Scott wants is the only thing in the world that matters, we have another elaborate plan in a new set: Honolulu Harry’s Comics. By some strange coincidence, according to Yelp, there used to be a couple Hawaiian themed restaurants in the Greater Los Angeles area. Apparently during the hard times they specialized in traditional Hawaiian fare and non-existent comic books.
And here’s where I get pissed.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h27m44s44You just fucking established that Crunch, a star football player, is a huge comic books fan. Why the hell does Tommy D have to dress up like Steve Urkel’s retarded white friend to be a comic book fan? Grrr…this is so insulting…vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h28m28s221Anyway, this is Honolulu Harry, and the plan is for Tommy D to get Honolulu Harry to take him back to look at the comics, which are in an X-rated theater style back room. I…really hope they’re just looking at comics back there because I don’t particularly want to imagine either one of them doing anything else back there…vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h29m31s78Weasel dresses up as Herschel from The Walking Dead because that’s supposed to fool Crunch into believing that Weasel is Honolulu Harry, who’s going to show Crunch how to take care of his comics. First, if Crunch is a comic collector, he already knows about this stuff. Second, THIS LOOKS NOTHING LIKE HONOLULU HARRY! But, yeah, it works, because I suppose if Crunch couldn’t tell the difference between Scott and an attractive girl before, he would believe that Herschel looks like Honolulu Harry. So Scott and Weasel convince Crunch that Defender Dog hella sucks and basically rob the comic from him. Way to commit a crime, guys.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h30m48s74Meanwhile, Honolulu Harry is pissed because Tommy D dared to touch the comics. Imagine that: a comic book SHOP where you touch the comic books. He throws all three of them out despite Scott’s protestations that he wants to sell a rare comic book because it makes complete sense to kick out someone that had nothing to do with the crime in question who wants to do business with you.
Back at Bayside, the gang’s study hall teacher has sore bunions, so this means, of course, that Mr. Belding has to act as a substitute teacher. Yeah, the only purpose of this scene is to give Mr. Belding an opportunity to take the comic away so we can draw out this train wreck for another five minutes.
Oh yeah, the girls are still concerned about the perfume, so they sneak in Mr. Belding’s office and replace the counterfeit with the genuine item because the rare perfume just happened to be lying around Lindsay’s house…again. Once more, no real conflict. You didn’t spend the MONEY. Give Mr. Belding his fucking money back and apologize for Christ’s sake!
But now we see the idiotic reason this subplot happened to begin with. The boys sneak in Mr. Belding’s office to retrieve the comic book. They find it, but the boys and girls surprise each other and Mr. Belding walks in. As they scramble to hide, the bottle conveniently breaks all over the comic. vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h33m17s38Tommy D is the only one not able to find a hiding place in time so he takes the wrap, telling Mr. Belding, whose ALLERGIES conveniently cleared up when the plot demanded it, that he’s self-confessing to setting off stink bombs, which mean spankings for him.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h33m57s174After Mr. Belding and Tommy D leave, the gang discovers what’s happened to the comic and, in case you didn’t predict this like two minutes ago, it’s ruined.
vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h35m22s0At The Max, Scott is bemoaning the fact he’s not getting laid tonight when the Dorkman brothers conveniently walk in with a pair of Janet Jackson tickets to give Megan and Vicki. The girls convince the brothers to give them the tickets and they will meet them there. Of course, the girls give Scott the tickets right as Rachel walks in, meaning that our heroes have defrauded someone twice in this episode. But…the Dorkman brothers only gave Megan and Vicki two tickets. Does this mean there’s going to be an orgy at the concert between Scott, Rachel, and the Dorkman brothers? Won’t Rachel figure out what happened when the brothers get pissed that their tickets were given away to someone else?vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h36m00s131No matter, because Rachel’s happy to go see Janet Jackson, Scott’s happy he may get laid, and the girls self-congratulate themselves on their last minute defrauding of the Dorkman brothers.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h36m08s214
Firsts: Rachel Meyers.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Apr 17, 2015 4:11:45 GMT
The New Class Season 1, Episode 11: “Weasel Love”
Yes, if there’s something we definitely needed more of, it’s Weasel episodes. THANK goodness the writers of this show saw fit to give us one more this season.
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So remember back in high school how the solution to everything was to hold a dance? Remember how even the orchestra held a dance as a fundraiser? Me either, which must be why the writers of this show thought it would make for a good plot.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h00m33s130
We open with…Kirby, Vicki, Lindsay, and Megan…in the middle of the hallway…playing their instruments. You know what, if this is the strangest thing that happens this episode, I won’t even question it. After all, these halls have sen a lot worse than a fake classical performance. I say fake because Vicki and Kirby stop playing in the middle of he piece to argue about Kirby hitting Vicki in ribs with his bow. The music keeps on playing without a beat lost as they’re advertising, indicating that Bayside was getting in on the Milli Vanilli style. And, through the power of exposition, Lindsay tells us that the purpose of the fund raiser is to get enough MONEY to buy a new psychic piano for the orchestra.
Scott and Tommy D, meanwhile, think that the telekinetic musical performance is hella lame because Lindsay keeps hitting them up for tickets and Kirby keeps poking them with his stick. They should be happy they’re finally getting some from somebody. vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h01m47s117
Mr. Belding comes up and is excited at the fact that the LA Music Society will be at the orchestra’s performance because apparently a piano is the only thing standing between them sucking or not sucking. Why should they be excited? Why, because the LA Music Society might give Bayside’s orchestra a FREE TRIP to New York to participate in the “orchestra festival.”
Yeah, off it, Mr. Belding, you really want to go for hookers, blow, and to see Bayside: The Musical performed.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h02m06s51
Weasel comes rushing up with a long stack of paper that he says is a computer message from his pen-pal, Natalie. Yeah, the writers apparently couldn’t be bothered to do ten minutes of research and find out this is not how e-mail has ever worked. Anyway, Natalie has decided to move there from Seattle and go to Bayside because plot convenience. And, in the next scene at The Max, we’re reminded of all this all over again because he writers think everyone who bothers to watch this show has short term memory loss. Plus the fact that they’re both going to wear Gilligan’s Island hats so hey’ll recognize each other. vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h03m40s205
Meanwhile Milton and Ron, a previously unnamed nerd, come into The Max and are immediately harassed by Scott and Tommy D and convinced that they have a disease called “Ringing in the Ears Due to Playing Percussion in High School Orchestras.” Proving that everyone in The New Class are idiots, they are easily convinced by the ringing of a bell behind them. They run off to quit and Scott and Tommy D are overjoyed because this means they can join the orchestra and go see Bayside: The Musical as well since naturally their are no other students with speaking parts who could take Milton and Ron’s place in the orchestra. vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h05m11s104
Meanwhile in walks an obvious rip off of Tori Spelling’s character from the original series. She even has the horrible snort of Tori Spelling’s character. Her name is Natalie, but I’m going to call her Not-Tori Spelling because, unlike Tori Spelling’s VIolet, we never see this character again. And just as well because she’s either blind or has low standards since she thinks Weasel is a curly haired Tom Cruise.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h05m42s155
Back at Bayside, it’s the return of another original series character, the orchestra teacher, Mr. Lazaar, who’s trying his damndest to get a good sound out of an incompetent orchestra.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h05m47s208
And since the casting department told him he had no other choice, Tommy D and Scott have taken Milton and Ron’s roles on cymbals and triangle respectively. Naturally, they’re completely incompetent on two of the easiest instruments known to mankind. vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h09m48s84
Not-Tori Spelling comes in and wants to audition for the orchestra because that’s a completely normal thing to do just a few days before a major orchestra performance. And she auditions on the piano they’re not supposed to have because they’re raising money to buy one. Of course, she’s good, possibly the best of the bunch, at fake musical playing. vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h10m01s188
So Weasel grand stands in the middle of her audition fake playing the exact same composition she happened to be playing, and the two are named the “Dynamic Duo” of the Bayside orchestra.
Not-Tori Spelling is nervous about the dance that night because she wants to look her best if she’s going to give her virginity up to a curly haired Tom Cruise. What else could happen but Lindsay, Megan, and VIcki agreeing to give her a make-over? vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h12m29s133
At the dance, everyone is shocked because they discovered that, if you take the horrible stereotypical glasses and clothes off a Saved by the Bell nerd and replace them with a pretty dress and long flowing blonde hair, she becomes hot. So becomes Not-Tori Spelling. vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h14m04s56
Because every guy in the Saved by the Bell universe judges women solely based on conventional physical attraction, Not-Tori Spelling is now the hottest piece of ass at the dance, and every guy in Bayside lines up for his turn on the Not-Tori Spelling Go-Round. Weasel’s upset because how on earth can he ever get a pretty, popular girl despite the fact he already has Not-Tori Spelling and despite the fact he’s always perusing Megan, who is a pretty and popular girl. vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h14m28s28
Mr. Belding and Mr. Lazaar are practically pissing themselves they’re so happy they can finally afford to buy the new piano they already had in the previous scene. Hookers and blow. I’m telling you, that’s where the money went.
Mr. Lazaar gets Weasel and Not-Tori Spelling to come up and break in the piano they’ve had all along but apparently Weasel’s super hero weakness is pretty girls because he can no longer play with Not-Tori Spelling. Oh and we are treated to Mr. Lazaar glaring lustfully at Not-Tori Spelling. Gross.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h15m54s135
Their solution is to make Weasel Mr. Belding. The real Mr. Belding reaches down to give Weasel a comfort grope, but comes back up when Weasel nearly catches him. “Wasn’t doing anything inappropriate,” his hands try to tell us. They decide the best way to make Weasel cool is through inappropriate and unrealistic role play. vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h16m37s48
Yes, that’s right. It’s your fantasies come true. Mr. Belding has become a hot babe, or he just came back from West Hollywood. It’s one of the two. But it’s obvious Mr. Belding has a huge boner for Scott and he’s overjoyed at Scott finally asking him out. vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h17m13s149
Don’t the just make the cutest couple?vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h17m35s113
Weasel’s idea of seduction is to impersonate a grazing camel.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h18m10s214
And then to cry on his lover’s bosom.
At The Max, Scott tells the girls that, when they see Weasel, they should treat him like he’s the coolest thing since Elvis, because all the kids in the early ’90s were listening to Elvis apparently.
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Tommy D enters with Elvis dressed…in a shirt with lots of holes in it and women’s pants? Yeah, Tommy D convinces Elvis this is cool, and that’s why no one else at Bayside dresses like this. And the audience loses their shit, apparently because they caught sight of one of Weasel’s nipples.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h20m03s65
The girls start fighting over which one of them gets to give up their virginity to Weasel first and Weasel suddenly believes he’s God’s gift to girls. vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h21m23s42
Back at orchestra practice, Scott and Tommy D are now multi-instrumentalists, because, once again, that’s totally how that works. Among the more weirder of their instruments is, amusingly enough, a cow bell.
Yeah, I couldn’t resist.
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Weasel comes in late dressed in his cool clothes again. He tells Mr. Lazaar that he is no longer Weasel. He’s now “the Fox.”
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Yeah, it totally works.
He’s been ignoring Not-Tori Spelling and not returning her e-mails because he says he ain’t got time for the jibber jabber. The Fox starts blowing and now it’s Not-Tori Spelling who’s intimidated and can’t play.
Yeah, not a bit of this plot makes sense. Weasel is acting conceited but being conceited doesn’t automatically make a person not be able to play music with you. But the plot demands a forced conflict, so we must go on.
But first…
Video Player
00:00Use Left/Right Arrow keys to advance one second, Up/Down arrows to advance ten seconds.00:48 Yeah, this episode is just making the pop culture references way too easy for me. And it doesn’t help that Weasel isn’t that much worse an actor than David Caruso. vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h55m29s81
The gang goes into full meddle mode by going into the orchestra room and convincing Not-Tori Spelling to check her e-mail on her early ’90s laptop to see that Weasel is apologizing to her. And we learn that Not-Tori Spelling apparently composes her e-mails out loud.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h55m37s162
It’s actually Scott and Tommy D working the controls because somehow between them they’ve discovered enough brain cells to work Mr. Belding’s Macintosh. Having convinced Not-Tori Spelling that Weasel is apologizing to her, they do they send e-mail to Weasel from Not-Tori Spelling, because it’s apparently just that easy to fake e-mail from someone else in the early ’90s.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h57m41s120
It’s finally time for the orchestra performance and all our characters are dressed as Mormon missionaries. Before they go to word spreading the good news, they’ve got to put on a kick ass performance so they can go to New York City and see Bayside: The Musical.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h59m13s18
Meanwhile, Milton and Ron have discovered a brain cell between the two of them and realized they were conned for the five thousandth time by Scott and Tommy D. Their response is to handcuff the two of them together. I fail to see how this is a punishment for them.
Weasel and Not-Tori Spelling start talking and realize that the entire apology thing was bull shit. But no time for that. It’s time to start the performance.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-23h00m23s201
Which includes Tommy D holding a triangle in his mouth for Scott to play. I BET there’s something else he wishes Scott would play in his mouth. Okay, okay, that one was way too easy.
In the middle of the performance, with the entire audience as their witnesses, Weasel and Not-Tori Spelling work out their differences and realize the entire conflict of the episode has been complete bull shit. And they’re apparently talking loud enough that the girls can hear them, which means they should have, by all ACCOUNTS, ruined the performance. But, no, they fake play beautifully, Mr. Belding declares they’re going to New York to see Bayside: The Musical, and we end with wet sloppy kisses for Weasel. Ewww…vlcsnap-2014-06-15-23h01m53s78And the lesson, kids, is that, at the end of the day, you can always get everything you want!
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Apr 17, 2015 4:12:08 GMT
The New Class Season 1, Episode 12: “Tommy A”
Have I really only done eleven of these episodes before this week? As much torture as it’s been, I feel like I should be at least half way through the series. Oh well, let’s see what torture the writers have in store for me this week.
Oh, yay, Weasel is obsessing about mid-year finals. What the hell are those supposed to be anyway? They’ve used the term “mid-term” lots of times in the original series but the only thing I can figure is that these are finals occurring after the end of the first semester.
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And what is Scott’s stick this week you ask? Why, because he’s apparently completely forgot about both Ashley and Rachel because they wouldn’t put out, he’s now after Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Oh, I’m sorry, he said Muffy. Of course he did, because Sarah Michelle Gellar would be a hell of a lot more interesting right now. Oh, Muffy is just some random Clueless rip off: the classic stereotypical blonde bimbo. And she’s also only willing to date fifteen year old boys if they’re willing to drive without a license.
Meanwhile, Megan and Vicki are whining about how they have to ride the school bus like the common people.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h50m20s64
Oh and Milton somehow got his retainer stuck to Megan’s dress via chewing gum. Sexy.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h50m56s145
And Megan has a crush on a boy named Eric that I’m sure won’t have anything to do with any of the rest of the episode.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h51m41s32
Meanwhile, the state of California has seen fit to allow Tommy D to drive on the road and we are informed through the power of exposition that Tommy D’s sixteenth birthday is exactly three weeks from today, upon which occasion Tommy D’s father will buy him a car. Of course, as is usual in the Saved by the Bell universe, the gang only cares insofar as it benefits each of them. Scott’s imagining fucking Muffy in the back of Tommy D’s car, Vicki wants a ride to school, and Megan is still thinking about Milton’s retainer.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h52m08s113
And meet Mr. Snavely, who will be playing an English teacher for exactly one episode, which is weird since we already know the kids have Miss Simpson for English. Did they all flunk a year of English so they have to take two periods of it a day? Really, who is this interloper who’s trespassing on the sweet insanity that is Miss Simpson? Oh, and Mr. Snavely talks like a bad stereotype of a Shakespearean actor.
Well, for some reason the English “mid-year final” is on…public speaking? What the hell? You might have to do some public speaking for an English class project but it’s not going to be a major portion of your grade! I dare say my public speaking professor in college would have been insulted to be lumped in with the English department. What strange dimension do these characters exist in?
Megan decides to show off and answer lots of questions hoping to impress Eric. Turns out Eric hates girls who know things because all men in the Saved by the Bell universe are misogynistic assholes.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h55m12s142
Meanwhile, Tommy D is doing a bad job of pretending like he’s looking at this magazine. Mr. Snavely tries to answer a question and he’s just like, “Duh, question hurt Tommy D’s mind!”
At The Max, Megan bemoans the fact that Eric doesn’t want to get his dick wet in her. And the gang continue obsessing over Tommy D’s car.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h57m11s69
Yes, it’s time for a dream sequence in which everyone is piled in the same car. This car has to have one of the biggest back seats I’ve ever seen. Hopefully it’ll be big enough for Scott to fuck Muffy. Meanwhile, the way the camera was moving I seriously thought I was looking at a Back to the Future II hover car for a second. Actually, it might be since they all decide to drive to Hawaii. vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h58m07s123
Oh and Eric is jogging by the car, now in love with Megan because she’s decided to sit in the same back seat as Scott and Muffy while they get it on instead of studying.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h58m45s238
The next day at school, Megan has decided that getting laid is more important than appearing to be intelligent so she’s now a dumb Clueless girl that Eric can really fall in love with.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h59m42s59
Meanwhile in Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding has been recast! Oh, wait, no. It’s Tommy D’s dad. But the way he’s just thrust on us in Mr. Belding’s office without Mr. Belding even being visible in the shot is very awkward. Oh, and, if he looks familiar, that’s because he’s Uncle Jesse’s father from Full House. Anyway, he’s there because the school sent a letter home warning that Tommy D might flunk every course except Gym. As a result, if Tommy D doesn’t get an A on at least one “mid-year final” he won’t get the car. I smell a plot rearing its fin!
At The Max, everyone is determined to meddle in De Luca family matters. Based on an off the cuff remark about cars, the gang decide that Physics is Tommy D’s best chance for an A because if you know one thing it makes complete sense that you’ll know everything, right?
Megan starts tutoring Tommy D as Eric walks in when she instantly turns into Paris Hilton. vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h02m26s159
And Tommy D gives us he best surprised face his actor can muster up.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h03m10s21
At Tommy D’s house, the gang continue tutoring Tommy D in Physics. What I’m concerned about is…what matter of sorcery is this?!?! There are two Lindsay’s in the room! I must contact the Ghostbusters! There must be some way they can fight this evil specter and air up their tires all in one convenient trip!vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h04m21s248
But the gang decide Tommy needs a little help and, since Mr. Everett, the Physics teacher, grades on a curve, they hatch a plan to sabotage the grades of Ron, Milton, and Kirby by convincing them not to study. Instead, they say that Weasel will cough and sneeze the answers to them because apparently it’s possible to have a Physics test that’s entirely true and false questions. Proving once again that the nerds at Bayside during this series are nothing like my precious Edgar, these idiot nerds fall for it.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h05m05s190
Meanwhile, Megan’s still acting like an airhead and Eric tells jokes that are hella lame. NEXT!vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h05m53s138
Mr. Belding tries to give Tommy D a pep talk since what will he do if his personal mechanic flunks out of school? vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h06m31s45
And here’s Mr. Everett, who appears to be Milton’s father. He’s also a complete idiot because he doesn’t react at all to all the fake coughing and sneezing and all the talking gong on DURING THE FUCKING TEST! Yes, that’s the plan Scott and Weasel cough while Lindsay and Vicki sneeze and vice versa, thus confusing Ron, Milton, and Kirby and throwing off their answers.
And now it’s time for…the oral part of the Physics exam? Who the hell ever heard of a final in which a student got up in front of the class and explained something as part of her or his grade? But, yes, it’s happening my friends. Of course, it’s Tommy D at the front and he freezes up, leading to our main characters reacting in the same way I often react to this whole damned series.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h07m24s54
In the hallway, Ron and Milton confront the gang about the fake signals. Tommy D overhears and is hella pissed because everyone has the correct impression that he’s a moron. He tells them they might as well forget about their selfish ambitions for a car because they’re not going to happen because he’s an idiot.
At Tommy D’s house, Tommy D’s father and Lindsay give Tommy D a pep talk about keeping with something even when it’s difficult and how eventually he’ll only be slightly dumb instead of incredibly moronic. Tommy D says he still has the English final left so he’s determined to write the best speech he can.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h10m02s86
At Bayside, the gang dress Weasel up like a bug killing Mario brother in order to convince Mr. Snavely to rush home and save his precious chrysanthemums from plant eating bugs. Since Mr. Snavely seems to have an unhealthy relationship with his flowers, he rushes out in the middle of the school day, leaving Mr. Belding to cover his class and his “mid-year final, which was the gang’s hope since Mr. Belding has inappropriate boundary issues with Tommy D and might go easier on him than Mr. Snavely would. vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h12m06s67First up is Weasel, whose speech is a persuasive speech on why every girl at Bayside should fuck him. He even has business cards for conveniently contact him.
Next is Tommy D with a speech on why you should believe in yourself. The speech is on how Tommy D knows that, if he keeps working hard, he’ll eventually get an A and stop sucking. Despite Mr. Belding’s assurances that he would not play favorites and would be tough on Tommy D, he gives Tommy D an A for his speech that comes in at a whopping twenty-nine seconds, including a brief interruption by Weasel! Yeah, I took public speaking in college. Something tells me that is not an A speech. But, whatever, the plot demands it so it happens.
And there’s not any time for anyone else’s speech so I guess they’re all getting Fs. vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h14m54s207Eric is pissed that Tommy D is now smarter than he is and insults Tommy D, to which Megan tells Eric that he’s hella stupid and hella lame and hella not funny. She proceeds to stick her chewing gum on his nose, sending him a clear message that she doesn’t want to say goodbye a little longer. Eric is forced to look for a stupider girl because no one except our main characters are allowed to learn lessons. Yeah, that literally just came out of nowhere. This subplot may be the most underdeveloped for the series yet. Jennie B is right: it just keeps getting worse and worse.
And we end with the gang excited that they get to use Tommy D for his car after all!
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Apr 17, 2015 4:12:37 GMT
The New Class Season 1, Episode 13: “Running the Max”
So it’s that time I’ve hoped would eventually get here. It’s been thirteen weeks in the making. It’s the first season finale of The New Class! Hallelujah I’m one-seventh of the way through this awful, awful series!
Wait…
Oh my god! I’m only one-seventh of the way through this awful, awful series!
*sobs quietly in the corner curled up in the fetus position*
Well, let’s do it.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h43m24s198
We open with Scott staring lovingly into a random extra’s eyes because Muffy the Vampire Slayer rejected him last week and Rachel won’t be available to come back until the season two premier. Oh, don’t worry. This has nothing to do with anything during this episode. If it were any other show you might ask yourself why it’s even here. But this is The New Class, the show that some rightfully describe as worse than Full House.
So Scott’s late for Social Studies because he was too busy staring into that extra’s eyes for no reason but, don’t worry, he has a stack of forged late passes at his disposal!vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h43m56s2
Scott is surprised to see Mr. Belding subbing for Mr. Tuttle in the one classroom. Yeah, apparently even Mr. Tuttle laughed when offered the opportunity to reprise his character on this awful, unneeded spin-off. So, Mr. Belding gets to hear and believe Scott’s lame excuse that he got four wisdom teeth pulled. Anyone who’s had wisdom teeth pulled knows he would be at home in excruciating pain right now if that were the case, especially if they were impacted.
So three area businesses have agreed to allow Bayside students to run their livelihood’s for a week. Oh, joy. It’s a rip-off of “The Friendship Business.” Because that’s exactly what this show was missing: a rip-off of one of my least favorite episodes from the first season of the original series. Well, except for the introduction of Edgar into my life, but there will be no such grace in this episode. Oh, and to make things even better, as we’ll soon find out, all the employees of these businesses decided to just take a week off without pay so that some high school kids could do their jobs for them. How convenient!vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h44m18s226Group number one is Meat and the football jocks, who will be working at “Dottie’s Dumbell Depot.”
muscled grandmaBecause it’s my only solace during this episode, I’m going to imagine this is Dottie. That would kick ass.
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Group two, which includes the gang sans Scott (including Weasel, who’s enjoying pounding his head in this photo against Megan’s book) will be, *duh duh duh* RUNNING THE MAX! And we have an episode title!vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h44m46s245
And here’s our subplot for the episode: Vicki only has one more opportunity to get Scott to give her his man chowder, so she’s determined it’s going to happen!
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Group number three, which include Ron and Claire, are running “IHOT,” the International House of Dry Cleaning. Okay, if such a place existed, I might consider taking my dry cleaning there, I won’t lie.
Scott’s been assigned to group three because groups in the Saved by the Bell universe have to be six people and some interloper named Homer.
So what’s Scott’s plan to get into group two?vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h45m44s55
Why to trifle with Claire’s heart of course! He tells her he loves her, which sends her into a hot flash and causes blow kisses to spontaneously erupt from her mouth in Scott’s direction. Scott gets out of the way and tells Homer the kisses are for him, which sends Homer on an odyssey but gets our plot moving.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h46m12s82
Tommy D is group leader. Yeah, the dumbest guy in the cast is the group leader, and his incompetence soon shows. Scott has been assigned as a bus boy, which he hates.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h47m16s209Lindsay is a cook while Megan and Vicki are waitresses. Oh, and Vicki wants Scott to “bus her table,” which I can only assume means fuck her ten ways to Sunday.
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Meanwhile, Screech is incompetently washing dishes in…a rain coat. Oh dear.
Yeah, to make a long, long plot short, everyone sucks at their jobs and all the customers at The Max have had enough, because Hawaiian themed parties, Casey Kasem dance-offs, a horrible actor waiting tables, and a radio telethon are apparently not enough to get people to leave The Max, but slightly bad service is.
Of course, Scott has a way to turn things around and, I have to admit, at least at the start, it’s a competent business model.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h48m22s100
First, you place Weasel in the position he’s best at: the school idiot passing out flyers in the hallway.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h49m00s222
Then promise Meat and his Neanderthal buddies free food for wearing The Max’s name on the back of their jerseys. vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h49m32s29
And duck the anger of the football coach cleverly named “Coach.” Wait…they already introduced a guy as the football coach EARLIER THIS SEASON? Did they forget about that or do they just not care anymore? Can no one on this show maintain continuity for longer than the attention span of a three year old? But the coach threatens to make Scott do push-ups until his grandchildren graduate if he doesn’t get the advertising off the jerseys. That’ll make procreating pretty difficult for Scott, I have to admit.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h52m43s154
Oh, well, back to the plan. Weasel is installing disk drives on the toilets, perhaps the only part of this plan that doesn’t make sense.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h53m13s162
Vicki is the dish washer because she sucks at life, and Megan and Lindsay are waitresses because they have the best people skills of the gang. Oh yeah, and there’s lots of flirting between Megan and Scott, which upsets Vicki but, hey, it’s Megan’s last opportunity too!
Rounding it out is Tommy D as cook, cooking his famous meatloaf without any meat. Everyone is impressed because The Max actually has turned around, and why not? After all, it’s the smartest thing Scott’s ever done on the show. So you know now they’ve got to find a way to fuck it up since there’s still around twelve minutes left.
Mr. Belding comes in and, through the power of exposition, tells Scott that the school has agreed to cover the cost of any losses to the three businesses. I asks the same question I asked in “The Friendship Business:” where does Bayside get all this money? Is it Mafia owned? Did they buy a share in Jesse and the Rippers? Did they strike oil…again? God, it makes no sense!
Scott decides to ask what would happen if a group made a profit and Mr. Belding tells him that it’s never happened, but he guesses the group would get to keep the profit. And our plot finally advances.
So Scott’s plan is to get the coach to switch the location of the annual football banquet from the Palisades Hotel to The Max, and, as such, Scott and Weasel talk shit about the hotel to the coach until he says he can’t have his boys eating at a place like that. Scott offers up The Max and the coach goes for it, on the condition he cook up something worthy the classiness of the two gentlemen below who seem to be playing the game where you pretend to steal the other person’s nose by displaying your thumb cupped in your hand.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h56m01s75
Scott thinks he’s up to the challenge. Back at The Max, he tells the gang his plan but reveals they need to raise $600 in advance to buy food for the banquet. His plan?vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h57m26s164
Karaoke with Ron! Yes, for only $10, you, too, can SING horribly off-key in an establishment that changes purposes to suit the plot of the week, and help Scott raise collateral while you’re a it!
Now a new conflict! Ready for this? Scott is an asshole MANAGER! Imagine that! It was totally unexpected! He’s overworking all the staff, not even letting Weasel go take a tinkle! vlcsnap-2014-06-20-20h59m01s73
Back at Bayside, it’s time for progress reports, starting with Meat’s group, who present Mr. Belding with their best selling dumb bell, the “Sissy Boy 3000.”
When it’s time for Scott’s group to report, everyone is asleep and exhausted except for Scott, but he reports things are going wonderfully. Tommy D and Lindsay have had enough of this bull shit and quit and Vicki soon follows when she realizes Scott’s not going to fuck her this week. Megan asks if they can pull it off without them, and we get the most pointless dream sequence of the season. vlcsnap-2014-06-20-21h00m43s87
Yes, it’s Scott imagining himself doing push ups until his grandchildren graduate from high school after he fucked up the football banquet. THANKS for that, The New Class writers. That was so integral to the episode.
At The Max, Scott and Weasel are the only ones working, with Weasel making the great sacrifice of not seeing “Blossom Goes to Iraq.” Is that the one where she loses her virginity to Saddam Hussein played by Mark-Paul Gosselaar?
Well, Megan comes in and quits because her school project is eating into school time and she needs to study because she got a C+. Yay, we’re even reusing minor plot points of original series episodes now. God help us, it’s up to Scott and Weasel now, and Weasel conveniently has to go back to Bayside to get the shrimp from his locker. Yeah, his locker…
I’m not even going to question the fact that Scott and Weasel appear to be skipping out on school while the rest of the gang is at Bayside. It’s an inconsistency but, at this point, it’s the least of this show’s problems. What I will tell you is how Weasel tells Lindsay, Vicki, and Tommy D that Scott is sorry for being an asshole and this makes them instantly forgive him.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-21h03m27s135
I will question why Weasel appears to have the sample photo that comes with a picture frame hanging up in his locker. Does he not have a real family to call his own?
So, one by one, Lindsay, Tommy D, Vicki, and even Megan come back to The Max to help Scott out.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-21h05m05s151
And Vicki tries her hand at getting a hot dicking one more time.
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And just in time because Weasel was planning on serving this monstrosity of Jello, bananas, peaches, and pepperoni.
But, since some stuff near the beginning actually made snese we haven’t reached our contrivance quota for the week yet so we still need one more, and we get it in the form of the power going out! But never fear, Tommy D has a plan!
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And it descends, the western themed football banquet, complete with a western-style Max sign that just happened to be lying around, some hay, rocks, a grill, and checkered table CLOTHES. vlcsnap-2014-06-20-21h07m32s77
And the nerds even volunteers to steal CLOTHES from the dry cleaning business so that the gang has cowboy apparel available. And the girls say, “Yodel lay hee hoo!” vlcsnap-2014-06-20-21h07m39s153
And the boys say, “SPIN me in your arms, Tommy D, and make me feel like a real boy!”vlcsnap-2014-06-20-21h07m52s28
And Mr. Belding and the coach say, “Isn’t this episode over yet?”
But they pull it off and the jocks love it.
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And Mr. Belding pulls horrifies us by dressing like Indiana Jones as he tells the gang they all get As.
In the end, the gang discover that, due everything they had to get at the last minute, including a blown fused box even though it’s not clear that that’s their fault or responsibility, they are in the hole for $9.00. But what matters is they had fun and Lindsay leaves them with the season closing cheesy thought: Scott may have lost $9, but he gained five friends, at least until next week when they forget that he and two of the others ever existed. But, yeah, friends forever!vlcsnap-2014-06-20-21h09m58s244
And that’s it for season one of The New Class! As usual, I’ll have a recap this Wednesday! And stay tuned next Monday as we discover whether this show can suck any worse than it already does. Spoiler alert: it can.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on Apr 17, 2015 4:13:27 GMT
The New Class Season 1 Recap
Season one is over, one of the worst things I’ve ever watched in my life. And the most disturbing part is that I’ve heard this is best season of Saved by the Bell: The New Class, that it’s all downhill from here.
There’s no better way to say this: Saved by the Bell: The New Class sucks ass.
What in god’s name made these people think that, if they simply hired six teenagers who vaguely resembled the cast of the original show and recycled story lines from the original that they would automatically have a good show?
The disturbing thing is, they were, in the long run, successful. As we’ll soon see, this show ran for seven seasons. Seven fucking seasons. How? Why?
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This is not to say the original was a stunning achievement of television greatness. Far from it. But a commenter (I think it was Mark Moore), hit the nail on the head as to why this show is not remembered today like the original class (and even Good Morning, Miss Bliss and The College Years to a degree) were: the cast of this show has absolutely zero charisma together. For all its faults, you could genuinely believe that Zack Morris, Slater, Screech, Kelly, Jessie, and Lisa were who they said they were: six high school friends trying to make it in the world with all its awkwardness.
On this show, I don’t believe for a second that any of these morons give a damn about one another. None of the six really had any experience in professional acting prior to this show and it is really palpable. Each of the six presents wooden performances that are only highlighted by Dennis Haskins showing them up with his Oscar worthy by comparison acting. Even some of the guest stars did a better job than the main cast this season. James Marsden, though his character was an unlikable douche, definitely demonstrated why he’s successful today despite being on The New Class. Hell, by comparison, the baby playing Little Zack is a fucking child prodigy compared to these idiots.
But, for all this shit, there’s one character who actually developed over the season, and it’s probably not who you think I’m going to say.
vlcsnap-2014-04-01-00h21m38s109As scary as it is for me to admit, Scott really does grow over the course of the season. He starts out an unlikable, irredeemable piece of shit whose sole ambition in life is to steal Lindsay away from Tommy D. Yet, throughout the season, we actually see him gradually develop a conscience. On one occasion, he actually feels guilty for trying to get Lindsay to cheat on Tommy D with him and stops his plan in the middle. Towards the end of the season, he actually dates a few other girls, and he seems to be becoming more socially adjusted. My god, given a few more stories, he could have actually become likable, so of course he’s one of the characters the writers jettison.
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They also jettisoned Vicki, and with good reason. Vicki didn’t do shit this season. No episodes focused on her. She occasionally has a supporting role in one of the group’s schemes, but she had no personality or life outside the group. Her one thing was being a complete dumb ass, which grated on my nerves more than anything. They hinted at a running subplot with her having a crush on Scott but it only showed up a few times when it was convenient to the plot and was forgotten the rest of the time. Consider the fact that Vicki was jealous of Scott and Megan but not Scott and Rachel. In fact, she helped facilitate Scott and Rachel’s date!
vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h34m03s218Obviously, Weasel was supposed o be Screech and he sucked ass at it. He received more shows with him as a central character than any other character besides Scott. He really didn’t do much, though. He’s supposed to be lifelong friends with Lindsay but this is only explored in one episode. He’s supposed to have an unrelenting crush on Megan, but this is dropped when it’s inconvenient to the plot. Hell, most of the time his entire existence on the show was defined in terms of Scott.
vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h13m21s136Out of the three characters who made it to season two, Lindsay is the most understandable. For much of the season, she’s the only likable character. This, unfortunately, is also her weak spot. Lindsay exists as a sexy lamp shade for Tommy D and Scott. What little development we get apart from the boys involves Vicki and Megan being super bitches to her for no good reason. And she has exactly two emotions: super happy or “oh my god my kitten just died.”
vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h15m27s149I don’t have any strong feelings towards Megan one way or the other. She’s an okay character but her characterization is so inconsistent. One minute, she’s a horrible super bitch to Lindsay. The next minute, she’s a super nice and even caring, even towards Weasel’s creepy sexual advances. I am glad they kept her and got rid of Vicki, but Megan just doesn’t do anything for me. I can’t quite put my finger on it.
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Oh god, Tommy D, why are you on this show? You exist for three reasons: to be Lindsay’s boyfriend, to be Mr. Belding’s mechanic, and to be Scott’s foil. You really have no purpose outside these three things this season. Even his one episode devoted to him was all about how the gang could take advantage of his impending driver’s privileges. It’s genuinely baffling to me why they kept him but got rid of Scott. A triangle in season two between Scott, Lindsay, and Rachel could have been a very good story line, even if The College Years did it already.
And now it’s time to say good-bye to the three actors who are leaving us. I would like to tell you why these three were dropped, but information is few and far between. Common fan belief seems to be that the producers believed the solution to all their problems was to shake up the cast and bring back Dustin Diamond. Diamond claimed in Behind the Bell that Robert Sutherland Telfer was fired for having very conservative beliefs, which is a bizarre claim since Peter Engel once served as dean of Pat Robertson’s Regent University, and, I’m sorry, but you don’t get much more conservative than Pat Robertson. I tend to think Dustin Diamond is full of shit and, for now, the true reasons behind the three’s firing will remain unknown.
For Isaac Lidsky, being fired may have been a blessing. I swear, looking up information on this guy, you couldn’t help but be inspired. He has persevered against some fucking tough odds. He quit acting and was soon after diagnosed with retinitis pigmentosa, a degenerate eye disease that eventually left him blind. Even this didn’t stop him. Lidsky studied Law at Harvard and, in 2008-2009,, clerked for Supreme Court Justices Sandra Day O’Connor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg, becoming the first blind person to clerk in the Supreme Court. Today, he’s CEO of a construction company and heads a charity called Hope for Vision that seeks to bring awareness and advocacy to degenerate eye diseases.
Bonnie Russavage managed to stay off the radar for a number of years until a blog tracked down her personal Facebook. (I’m not linking to the blog because I’m personally opposed to pointing out celebrities’ personal Facebook accounts without their permission.) Like Lidsky, Russavage quit acting. Today she’s divorced with a son and works as a recruiter for a company that seeks to find jobs for medical professionals.
Robert Sutherland Telfer is the most difficult of the three to track down. Wikipedia claims he got into amateur gymnastics after he quit acting, but he kind of dropped off the face of the Earth after that. I haven’t the slightest clue what he’s doing today, and that’s probably how he wants it, which I respect.
Saved by the Bell - The New Class
When it comes down to it, it’s baffling that this show survived its initial season. If not for Peter Engel and the Saved by the Bell pedigree, I have a feeling it wouldn’t have. It just goes to show that, with the right circumstances, even the worst piece of shit can MANAGE to get a second season…and a third…and a fourth…
My Picks
You may recall that, for Good Morning, Miss Bliss and Saved by the Bell, I picked five episodes I loved from the season and three I hated. Well, I just can’t maintain that format here. Every SINGLE episode is detestable. Every single episode is cringe worthy. So here, instead, are five episodes of this season I hated the most:
Episode 3, “A Kicking Weasel:” Ugh, do I even have to say much about this? You don’t become a football star by being able to do field kicks. It just doesn’t happen. Add to this the fact that nothing is really resolved at the end and the bitchiness of Vicki and Megan towards Lindsay, and you have a painful combination.
Episode 4, “Home Shopping:” If you’re going to rip off the zit cream episode, at least do it in a believable manner. Seriously, chocolate memory may be the worst excuse of a dumb ass idea I’ve seen in this franchise yet, and I’ve seen “Jessie’s Song.”
Episode 6, “George Washington Kissed Here:” This episode is a mess. There’s so much going on that it’s like the plot is rushing trying to keep up. Scott’s an asshole in this episode, Lindsay’s an asshole, Megan’s an asshole, and Tommy D, the only one not being an asshole, is being told he’s an asshole. Oh, and lack of historical fact checking.
Episode 8, “Belding’s Baby:” Little Zack was the only good thing about his episode. The fact that not only was Mr. Belding seemingly bringing his infant son to work but that said infant son was also being hauled around Los Angeles by our brain dead characters in an effort to get Scott laid make this one even more painful to sit through.
Episode 10, “Swap Meet:” If you’re going to do an episode heavily focusing on comic books, you better do your fact checking or geeks like me will call you out in a heartbeat. Tommy D’s geek costume to get into the comic SHOP was just horribly insulting and Rachel could have been replaced with a vacuum cleaner with no change in the plot.
And so we reach the end of season one of The New Class.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 11:59:13 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 1: “The Return of Screech”
They told us this day was coming. They warned us how horrible it would be and we didn’t listen. No, we thought, season one of The New Class was so horrible. Surely if they were able to save this show from cancellation they would make changes to make it better! We were wrong, and the reason why was answered for us in the opening credits. vlcsnap-2014-06-27-21h44m28s173 Lo, the approach of the Antichrist. vlcsnap-2014-06-27-21h45m30s25 We open the season with the first day of school, but remember this opening because when we get to next week’s episode, it’s going to make that episode make so much less sense. vlcsnap-2014-06-27-21h46m13s189The first order of business for the show this season is to replace the half of the cast that didn’t make it from last season. First, we have our Zack Morris character, Brian Keller (Christian Oliver), who is a foreign exchange student from Switzerland. They did this because the actor is actually German. I don’t know how good of an actor Mr. Oliver is in Germany, but his horrible acting grates on my nerves so much throughout this episode I don’t know how I’m going to last twenty-six episodes with him. Since we don’t need a fake Screech anymore, Weasel’s replacement is Bobby Wilson (Spankee Rodgers), whom the DVD cover promises is “hilarious.” Yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it. Something tells me I may be yelling false advertising in my season two recap. And his name is Spankee. That’s amazing!
So we quickly get some forced character development on the two as they perv on the girls. vlcsnap-2014-06-27-21h46m04s97 Yes, Rachel is there with Megan like she always has been and always will be even though she barely had contact last season with any of the characters besides Scott. But who cares! They needed a character and Sarah Lancaster was dumb enough to come back! And it appears they’re going to play her as a Lisa rip-off despite the fact she showed absolutely no signs of that last season. So the deal is Brian wants to fuck Rachel but Rachel has a boyfriend, the former captain of the football team, who’s off at Michigan on a football scholarship.
Ugh, I can’t believe we’re just barely a minute in and the writers have managed to fuck up the one thing Rachel fucking did last season! One thing! They couldn’t remember one thing! You see, Rachel’s one thing last season is she got it on with Scott, so either she was cheating on her boyfriend with Scott or she had a very short summer fling. But here they act like this is a super serious relationship that has stood the test of time.
God I hate these writers. Oh, and they try to establish Bobby as being obsessed over Megan since seventh grade, which begs the question where he was all last season. I guess he was waiting in the wings for Weasel to be out of the picture because Weasel was such a threat.
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So Brian and Bobby approach Rachel and Megan. Brian pulls a rose out of his ass for Rachel and Bobby offers some chewing gum for Megan. This shit is so thrilling I tell you what. vlcsnap-2014-06-27-21h47m48s122And here’s our other two returning characters. So, like that, they’re a gang. Yeah, just like Brian, Bobby, and Rachel have always been with the others. There’s no acknowledgement at all that this is something new. The writers just assumed that no one would give a damn.
The only other thing important that happens here is we get some exposition about Rachel’s jacket belonging to her mother and her mother not knowing Rachel has it. Gee, I wonder if this is going to play any role in the story in just a few minutes. vlcsnap-2014-06-27-21h48m22s203
Mr. Belding comes through the hallway and tells our new gang to all come to his office. And what important business does Mr. Belding have with our gang? vlcsnap-2014-06-27-21h48m42s139
Why, he’s called six of his students in to show off that the producers threw money at a new set for his office this season. Yeah, that’s actually a running gag throughout the episode: that he has a new, high-tech office that’s constantly malfunctioning. Funny stuff, let me tell you, by which I mean it’s totally lame and I won’t be focusing on it every time they go back to it this episode hoping for a cheap laugh.
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Oh and I should note that Mr. Belding has no idea the difference between a microwave and a fax machine. Seriously. He probably thinks the intercom microphone is a shower head too.
In another blink or you’ll miss it plot contrivance, Bobby notices that Mr. Belding has a flat tire so he sends his personal mechanic, Tommy D, out to fix it. Yeah, seems like business as usual but, trust me, it actually comes back in a few minutes.
Mr. Belding’s secretary calls him to tell him that his new administrative assistant, a student on work study leave from California University, has arrived. There’s so much wrong with this setup. First, the writers do realize administrative assistant is just a politically correct term for secretary, right? The first time they complain about the school not having any money this season, I’m coming back to this. Second, why does Mr. Belding not know who he new assistant is? Did he not interview candidates? Did he just tell Cal U that any old body will do? And where is Cal U supposed to be in California anyway? Is it really close enough that the candidate could just commute for classes?vlcsnap-2014-06-27-21h50m49s124
God, I won’t analyze this stupid scene any more. Let’s just say that the new administrative assistant is Beelzebub wearing a bikini lady tie. vlcsnap-2014-06-27-21h50m57s205And Mr. Belding is not amused. He was hoping Zack Morris or Slater would come back and do some cleaning for him under his desk. But, yes, Screech is back and he’s still trying to do the same shtick he’s been doing since Good Morning, Miss Bliss, except well into his teens.
So the running subplot of the episode is that Mr. Belding rightfully doesn’t trust Screech to do anything so he gives Screech menial tasks to keep him far away. First up is counting the lockers to see if they’re all there, which Screech doesn’t think seems weird at all. And, by contrivance, we find out Brian has Screech’s old locker. vlcsnap-2014-06-27-21h53m14s50
Meanwhile, Screech is scaring the shit out of Bayside’s faculty. Screech wants Mr. Maloney here to remember him, but Mr. Maloney is like, “Shit, you psychopath, this is my first and last appearance in this franchise. I don’t know you. You could be Tori for all I know!”
But before Screech can terrify anymore of Bayside’s teachers, Mr. Belding sends him to substitute in a room because one of the teachers got stuck in a revolving door at Taco Bell. Yeah… And I should note that none of the students ever refer to Screech as “Mr. Powers” because the writers are afraid the viewers of this show are such complete dumb asses they wouldn’t realize that Mr. Powers and Screech are the same character.
So Screech naturally overextends his authority and decides to make the seating chart for the entire year.vlcsnap-2014-06-27-21h54m56s46
This is wear Brian tries to get Screech to put him next to Rachel. Screech has a stroke and, since he is a complete dumb ass, proceeds to mix up the room in such a way that everyone is back to sitting in the exact same seat they were before.
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Tommy D comes in, having finally completed Mr. Belding’s slave labor but apparently does not realize there are things called showers and sinks at Bayside. Why is he that dirty anyway? He just changed a fucking tire. Did he have to stick his hand in the oil to do that?
Tommy D apparently didn’t bother to get a late pass from Mr. Belding so Screech grills him on it. In case you had forgotten in the last few minutes that Screech is a complete dumb ass, though, he writes Tommy D’s late pass for him.
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He then demands Tommy D hand over the late pass and pushes Tommy D into Rachel, getting oil on Rachel’s mother’s jacket. I’m so glad that we’re halfway through this episode and we finally have conflict. vlcsnap-2014-06-27-21h56m46s87 I just love the look from the extra in the green sweater, too. She looks like, “Am I really in this stupid show? Is anyone watching me? May I have my check now?”
There’s also some new transition music that’s even more confusing than the original series’s transition music. It sounds like the composer of the Seinfeld theme was drunk.
Audio Player 00:0000:00Use Up/Down Arrow keys to increase or decrease volume. At The Max, Rachel tries to assure Tommy D it’s not his fault even though it kind of is since he didn’t bother to wash his hands before coming to class. The jacket costs $700, so the gang decide the best way to raise the money is to have a party because it worked for Screech to replace his mom’s Elvis statue back in the original series. They decide to have the party at Bobby’s house since his parents will be out of town and Bobby agrees hoping to be able to slip a Rufie in Megan’s drink.
Meanwhile, Screech is still annoying Mr. Belding while singing Sesame Street songs. Next scene.
Brian, Bobby, Lindsay, and Megan trick some dumb cheerleaders into paying to go to the party, and Lindsay and Megan apparently aren’t cheerleaders anymore because the writers can’t remember everything they did last season. vlcsnap-2014-06-27-22h01m29s137
Tommy D promises Meat and the football jocks, including new jock “Hacksaw,” lots of meat they can suck on and convinces them they’re cool, so they’re in.vlcsnap-2014-06-27-22h02m11s43
And Megan and Bobby do the same with Milton and new geek Woodrow, because Kirby apparently decided that he was done with this stupid show. Oh, and they have delusions of being cool as well. Apparently, on this show, no one is cool except our six main characters. vlcsnap-2014-06-27-22h02m42s96
At what I assume is Brian’s house, Brian counts the money and finds out they have successfully copied a plot from the original series. But, uh oh! More conflict! They can’t have the party at Bobby’s house because Bobby’s parents decided to have the house fumigated for termites while they were gone, which means Bobby is either breathing in toxic gas while he sleeps or he’s homeless for the weekend sleeping on the street. Maybe Zack Morris will find him and date him.vlcsnap-2014-06-27-22h04m14s255
At The Max, Screech has decided to go to his old hangout so he can…color code Mr. Belding’s keys. As he completes this very important task, Brian and Tommy D go into action and trick Screech into unlocking the gym so they can have the “Don’t Tell the Principal” party in there. Yeah, did I mention Screech is a complete dumb ass?vlcsnap-2014-06-27-22h06m38s156
We only have a few minutes left so they decided to actually show a bit of this party, and it’s everything you would expect out of a Bayside party: Brian trying to get his dick wet with Rachel, Meat, Hacksaw, and the jocks eating lots of food, and Tommy D and Lindsay incompetently acting as DJs.vlcsnap-2014-06-27-22h06m59s114
Mr. Belding comes in, having been called by security and told that there were strange things going on, because that makes a lot more sense than, say, calling the police. vlcsnap-2014-06-27-22h07m48s88
Mr. Belding wants an explanation and Screech takes the fall, telling Mr. Belding that he let the kids have the party there. Mr. Belding tells Screech there will be spankings Monday morning, and the gang gives everyone their money back since the party only lasted twenty minutes, because twenty minutes is totally enough time in Los Angeles for Mr. Belding to receive a call from security and drive over.
Monday morning, Screech tells Mr. Belding he’s going to quit since the students think he’s lame, Mr. Belding doesn’t trust him, and he really shouldn’t be playing this character anymore since The College Years was cancelled.vlcsnap-2014-06-27-22h09m06s74
The gang comes busting into Mr. Belding’s office and confesses to what they did, leading Mr. Belding to give them two weeks detention. Rachel also tells us that, off camera of course, she told her mother about the jacket and was grounded for two months.
After they leave, Mr. Belding tells us the whole moral of this episode that we should have learned, in case we didn’t, was about telling the truth, which the gang learned from Screech because not telling the truth himself sure taught them! And, besides, everything turned out all right for Screech so it must be okay! Screech decides to stay at Bayside after all, because we could be so lucky for this to be merely a one-shot guest appearance. It’s going to be a long, long six seasons…
Firsts: Brian Keller, Bobby Wilson, Hacksaw, Woodrow, Brian wants Rachel, Bobby wants Megan, Screech as administrative assistant, Brian’s bedroom, Mr. Belding’s new office.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 11:59:44 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 2: “All Play and No Work”
Love them or hate them, the Malibu Sands episodes of Saved by the Bell are some of the most remembered episodes of that series. So it was inevitable that The New Class would come up with a cheap, derivative knock off.
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Ladies and gentlemen, I present, the Palisade Hills Country Club!
Now remember last week I told you to remember that it was the first week of school? Well, now it’s summer again and all eight of our The New Class cast members are here! Now, there’s a basic problem with this: either it happens ten months from the last episode during the last summer, or it happened the previous summer in between seasons one and two. If it happens in ten months, it doesn’t make sense given the events to come around relationships. If it happened last summer, it makes absolutely no fucking sense given the fact that we just introduced four new fucking cast members! Did they think no one would fucking notice!
Now I suppose it’s possible to rationalize Rachel, Bobby, and even Brian, but you know who can’t be rationalized?
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Fucking Screech. And you know why? Because, according to the last episode, he hadn’t yet returned to Bayside! My god, these writers are throwing darts aren’t they? They haven’t any fucking clue what’s going on with continuity!
So Mr. Belding is the general manager for the summer and Screech is his assistant. Wait…I can believe that Screech, as a college student and intern, could use the money. But they do realize that most principals in the Los Angeles area make six figures, right?! Even if Mr. Belding is at the low end of income, he’s still up to at least $80,000 a year! We know he has a wife and only one child. Why does he need a summer job? Does he have illegal gambling debts? Is he in the hole for his caffeine pill fix?
Barely a minute in and the inconsistencies are mind boggling. Fucking hell.vlcsnap-2014-07-08-16h55m53s191
And it just keeps getting better as Screech has hired our gang to work at the country club for the summer, and they’re all dressed as if they’re ready to have fun rather than work, including Bobby who was apparently wearing a pool float, goggles, and a snorkel in Tommy D’s van. vlcsnap-2014-07-08-16h56m40s144
And up pulls our new Mr. Carosi, except this time it’s Mr. Harrington, the president of the country club, played by that guy from WKRP in Cincinnati. Not the cool guy who went on to star in Head of the Class but that other guy who was always a pain in the ass on the show. Yeah, I don’t buy that this guy is supposed to be threatening. He is one person on an elected board. Even if he hates everything, the rest of the board can override him. He’s not making a very realistic target of conflict. But the show must go on so he’s pissed that Tommy D’s van dares block him from getting directly to the door because his home made barbecue sauce for the country club barbecue is spoiling in the trunk. Yeah, he comes off as a jack ass whose only purpose on the show is to cause conflict with Mr. Belding.
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Oh, and Screech sticks his hand in the sauce because Screech is a fucking moron, meaning it should no longer be fit for human consumption but they’ll probably eat it anyway. Oh, and there’s a running gag throughout the episode that I hope is not a permanent thing where Screech walks like the Scooby-Doo gang trying to sneak around a haunted house. It’s really annoying and makes no sense. And Mr. Harrington’s car is sent off with the new valet parking attendant, Tommy D, because insurance companies totally don’t mind sixteen year olds parking cars at expensive country clubs.
It’s time to see where everyone will be working and first is Brian, who’s working as pool attendant, meaning he has to put sunblock on really old women. Seriously, that’s all we see him do in his job this episode. I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.
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Meanwhile, Rachel is the new lifeguard and Screech decides to test her skills by throwing himself in the pool, because no one ever tests lifeguard skills before they hire the god damned life guard!vlcsnap-2014-07-08-16h59m07s85
A nearby woman takes pity on the brain dead moron in the swimming pool and swims out to save him before Rachel can get there. And, for Screech, it’s a boner at first sight.vlcsnap-2014-07-08-16h59m55s18
Next, after Screech puts on some dry clothes, it’s time for Bobby to learn the ins and outs of being a caddy, and Mr. Harrington is his first client. So, natural, a combination of reckless driving, failure to secure the golf bag, and idiocy means that Mr. Harrington’s bag fall down go boom!
Mr. Harrington looks like he wants to punch Screech as Screech tells him that he’s overreacting that his idiocy may have damaged the golf clubs. Yeah, isn’t this grounds for firing right here? Naturally, the thing to do is for Screech and Bobby to test every single club to make sure it still works, despite Mr. Harrington telling him specifically not to. vlcsnap-2014-07-08-17h00m41s3
Screech tells Mr. Harrington that he’s a properly trained idiot and knows what he’s doing, and Bobby proceeds to throw a club into the water trap. Really, there was not even an attempt to make it look like Bobby swung and lost control. It was just a straight up throw.vlcsnap-2014-07-08-17h01m33s5
Mr. Harrington’s ten seconds of mild yelling attracts the attention of the girl who saved Screech’s idiot life at the pool, who drives up to the group. It turns out her name is Alison and she will be joining us for no other purpose over this story arc than to give Screech a hard on. Gross. Meanwhile, Screech invites himself to lunch with the Harringtons because plot.
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Meanwhile, Mr. Belding is excited to show Megan his meat and, through the power of exposition, we find out it’s for the barbecue, which is country and western themed.
Megan and Lindsay are waitresses because their brief tenure at The Max apparently qualified them for it. Tommy D comes in and invites Lindsay out for a spin in Mr. Harrington’s car, which sounds like a perfectly good idea through which nothing could possibly go wrong. Megan tells her to go since they’re not busy.
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And, as if it was planned by bad writers, a horde of people come strolling in as soon as Lindsay is out the door. I mean as soon. Could this many people not be seen from the windows?vlcsnap-2014-07-08-17h05m03s49
Meanwhile, Brian, Rachel, and Bobby decide to go for a joy ride in the golf cart.vlcsnap-2014-07-08-17h05m33s102
Brian shows his own idiocy by driving the golf cart without any hands. vlcsnap-2014-07-08-17h05m42s189
Which, by either coincidence or contrivance, just happens to be in the path of Tommy D and Lindsay driving Mr. Harrington’s car. We’re told that there’s a big dent in the car but the prop people were too busy to put a dent in the car in order to demonstrate this to us, the viewers, so they just tell us about it.
Tommy D decides to fix the dent himself and uses Rachel’s nail polish to replace the paint. Yeah, something tells me that wouldn’t work outside the wacky Saved by the Bell universe.
Meanwhile, Screech and the Harringtons arrive at the restaurant for lunch, where Screech promptly gives bad customer service by telling a customer about a fake rat in the restaurant so she’ll leave and he can have the table.
Mr. Belding comes in, sees the restaurant understaffed, and cock blocks Screech by making him fill in for Lindsay despite the fact that we can see a host behind them not doing anything but talk on the phone. Guys, if an extra is going to detract from the believably of an episode, maybe he shouldn’t be there! By the time Screech is done being a shitty ass waiter, the Harringtons are done eating, and we’re supposed to feel sorry that Screech won’t be getting his dick wet in Alison’s fertile downstairs area.vlcsnap-2014-07-08-17h09m40s4
The gang meanwhile brings the damaged piece of Mr. Harrington’s car to dry under a fan in the kitchen. Megan has reservations since that means unplugging the freezer with Mr. Belding’s meat in it, but they do it anyway because conflict.
Bobby sucks ass at covering for Tommy D at valet parking, mostly because he doesn’t have his driver’s license, and Mr. Belding and Screech come out to find out what the hell is going on. Just at that moment, conveniently as if bad writing dictated it, Mr. Harrington comes out looking for his car and Tommy D comes driving up in it.vlcsnap-2014-07-08-17h11m12s167
Everything’s fine until Tommy D hits the side, causing the left headlight, which Brian didn’t hit at all, to just fall out of the car. Come on, at least make it believable!
After a commercial break, Mr. Belding has fired all the kitchen staff so he could demote the gang, even Megan, who had nothing to do with the car incident, to kitchen staff. Screech smells a distinct odor and, no, it’s not his rancid underarms but, rather, Mr. Belding’s meat spoiling since they forgot to plug the freezer back in, and Mr. Belding tells them not to come in tomorrow.
But they do show up the next day, at 6:00 a.m. nonetheless, and 6:00 a.m. in California apparently means that the sun is blaring down directly overhead. The gang find Screech and say they want to make things right for Mr. Belding, and the seven of them formulate a plan. vlcsnap-2014-07-08-17h13m59s44
Yes, it’s an impromptu luau, because we needed an excuse to strip clothes off the gang! vlcsnap-2014-07-08-17h14m19s247
And it’s complete with a sucky ass pig made out of canned ham and pineapple. Yeah, that’s really convincing. Looks more like a paper mache statue which, knowing this show, it probably is.
Mr. Harrington is hella pissed and convinced the members are going to hate the luau. vlcsnap-2014-07-08-17h15m06s189
But, right on time, the members, who are still traveling in packs apparently, all arrive at once and love the sucky ass luau as Screech dances the funky chicken.vlcsnap-2014-07-08-17h16m17s131
Now it’s time for entertainment from Screech and the Dumb Asses, a traditional “island” song for Alison. vlcsnap-2014-07-08-17h16m49s200 vlcsnap-2014-07-08-17h17m31s116
Yes, we have to endure Screech singing and Alison actually liking it, because she’s tone deaf I guess. And the lyrics?
I’m a young Hawaiian guy,
I look at you and start to sigh,
Be…my…wahini!
I thank the stars above,
And hug you daily,
And sing you songs of love,
On my ukulele,
Don’t make me blue,
Come sit in my canoe,
Be…my…wahini!
Oh, come on! They couldn’t even get the meter right? They weren’t even trying on this one! This makes their song at the play last season look Grammy worthy by comparison! Screech must have let Little Zack write the lyrics. That’s the only explanation for it!
We have to have a happy ending so Mr. Belding gives the gang their old jobs back despite the marked incompetence they’ve each displayed throughout this episode because putting on a shitty luau makes everything alright, and we close with Screech and Mr. Belding falling in the pool because…I guess this episode is all wet?
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Firsts: Mr. Harrington, Alison Harrington, Palisade Hills Country Club.
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:00:23 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 3: “Let the Games Begin”
This episode wastes no time in getting right to the plot as we open with Mr. Belding telling the employees of the country club that there will be a members verses employees tournament Sunday and, if the employees win, the members will serve them for a day. Gee, I wonder what’s going to happen. I’m in such suspense. vlcsnap-2014-07-13-18h08m18s132
Mr. Harrington randomly pulls up to talk smack about the employees and we find out that, in the seven years he has been club president, the members have never lost. GEE, I WONDER WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN? I mean it’s not like this plot is completely cliché and has been done a thousand times, including on the original series. Oh, and I’m fast seeing that they’re playing Alison off as a character who thinks Screech can do no wrong and her father can do no right.vlcsnap-2014-07-13-18h09m09s142
Playing tennis will be Brian and Rachel. Rachel sucks ass so Brian is there to give her some lessons. Riveting stuff let me tell you. Screech comes up with a letter from Rachel’s boyfriend, David, which begs the question why Rachel’s now getting her mail at the country club. As she runs off to stroke her lady boner that David remembers she exists, we get what’s intended to be a comedy scene with the ball machine breaking and throwing lots of balls at Screech. I bet it’s not the first time he’s had lots of balls thrown at him.
Rachel comes back upset because David has decided not to come home this summer and is, instead, going to Europe. Rachel tells us she only took this job because David is a member here, which is the first we’ve heard of this, and decides she needs to quit since there’s no other reason to have a summer job than seeing your boyfriend.
Meanwhile, our swim team consists of Lindsay, Megan, and Bobby, who does a pratfall into the water, supposedly because he was stung by a bee. Once again, such exciting stuff. I’m so glad I get to review this series every week for the next six seasons. Please ignore the sobbing you may now be hearing.vlcsnap-2014-07-13-18h11m30s3
Meanwhile, we have Snotty McSnotty-Pants over here, aka Todd, whose sole purpose in this episode is to provide conflict as he wants Lindsay and thinks Tommy D is too working class for her.
Tommy D is apparently supposed to be on the swim team as well, but it appears as if no one bothered to check and see if he could swim before they signed him up for said team. That would be something you should find out, and it’s interesting that even Lindsay doesn’t know this. Their relationship is such a close, special bond.vlcsnap-2014-07-13-18h12m35s147
Mr. Belding is practicing golf against Mr. Harrington when Screech comes in and conveniently mows him down with a golf cart, putting him out of the tournament. Alison suggests Screech fill in and, despite the fact that we just saw last week that Screech knows how to properly swing a golf club, he does one of the weird little Screech-isms the writers of The New Class have him do when they’re desperately trying to get a laugh by having him swing the club every which way over his head like a mad man and still manage to hit the ball nearly to the hole. It’s a miracle, almost like a contrivance if you will!
After the commercials, Brian is upset that Rachel is quitting and venting his frustration about how it will impact him to Bobby because everything is about Brian and how he feels. Brian decides to send Rachel a telegram pretending that it’s from David to convince her to stay since it’s the 1890s and telegrams are the popular mode of communication for high school students and Casey Kasem.
Meanwhile, everyone is ragging on Tommy D because he can’t swim. Now, ready to confuse the timeline of these episodes even more? Mr. Belding says that Little Zack is three and can surf despite the fact that we saw Little Zack last season as a baby. WHEN THE FUCKING FUCK ARE THESE EPISODES SUPPOSED TO TAKE PLACE? It makes my head hurt!
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Alison comes up and strokes Screech’s ego a little more about the golf game as Mr. Harrington comes up and invites Screech to dinner with them because he was impressed. Oh, and Mr. Harrington refuses to allow them to substitute anyone for Tommy D because it would be against the rules. vlcsnap-2014-07-13-18h16m22s111
The natural course of action is to teach Tommy D to swim in less than a week using a paddle board and floaties. At the same time, this random little girl is beating him at swimming because he sucks ass. vlcsnap-2014-07-13-18h16m54s173
The first person Rachel naturally sees after receiving the telegram is Brian because plot. She tells him the telegram solved all her angst because David is coming home which means she now has a reason to be at the club for the summer.
Todd comes up and talks some more smack about Tommy D, which causes Tommy D to magically be able to swim. It’s a Christmas in July miracle! vlcsnap-2014-07-13-18h17m50s213
At dinner, Mr. Harrington is practically sucking Screech’s dick as he laughs at Screech’s unfunny jokes and proposes toasts to his new best friend forever. As Mr. Harrington gets up to clean up some wine Screech spills on him, a random club member tells Mr. Harrington he hears that Screech might beat Mr. Harrington in the tournament, to which Mr. Harrington replies that Screech will do anything for him. Anything.
…
EEW!!!vlcsnap-2014-07-13-18h19m17s62
It’s finally time for the games to begin. vlcsnap-2014-07-13-18h19m57s218
And they start the tournament with the tee off of the golf portion. Naturally, Screech is already beating Mr. Harrington.
In tennis, Brian and Rachel are losing badly so Brian sabotages their opponents’ game by pointing out to the wife of the team that her husband isn’t letting her hit any balls because she’s a woman and women folk suck ass at tennis. vlcsnap-2014-07-13-18h21m18s4
This pisses her off and she starts trying to hit every ball but she really does suck ass, giving Brian and Rachel a new advantage.
Meanwhile, Mr. Harrington, the great stickler of rules, is moving Screech’s ball to force him to take a penalty stroke and none of the dozens of spectators seem to notice. Screech has the power of contrivance on his side, though, and still manages to hit the ball toward the green despite it being behind a tree.
In tennis, Brian and Rachel win because their opponents can’t stop arguing over who gets to hit the ball. vlcsnap-2014-07-13-18h23m23s222
In swimming, Tommy D’s magical swimming abilities aren’t enough to allow the employees to win the swimming portion of the competition. Todd talks some more smack and Lindsay calls him a loser and pushes him in the pool, because that’s perfect revenge.
Mr. Belding tells us the scores are tied and it’s all down to the golf event. vlcsnap-2014-07-13-18h26m03s33
Good god, I never wanted to see Screech shake his ass while he is playing golf. That was definitely on my list of things I never wanted to see.
But, yeah, the golf game is down to the next stroke…for some reason. Mr. Harrington misses an easy shot. He tells Screech that he has to miss the next shot on purpose or he’ll never let Screech see Alison again because Alison is a woman and women are the property of their fathers until they are married off, at which time they become property of their husbands. vlcsnap-2014-07-13-18h27m40s227
But, yeah, of course Screech makes the hole and the employees win.
Rachel says she’s glad she didn’t quit and Bobby accidentally lets out he knew what was in the telegram despite the fact that she didn’t tell him about it. Brian confesses that he wrote the telegram and, instead of telling Brian to fuck off and quit trying to interfere in her relationship, Rachel tells Brian she thinks it’s touching that he wants to stalk her all summer and tells him she’s staying.
Alison finds out her father’s scheme and tells him he lost fair and square and to load Screech’s bags onto the golf cart.
vlcsnap-2014-07-13-18h30m25s97And we end our episode with Screech and Alison riding away on the back of the cart as Alison asks Screech what he wants her to do for him since she’s also a member of the club. NO, END THE EPISODE NOW! I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT SCREECH WANTS ALISON TO DO FOR HIM!
Firsts: Rachel’s boyfriend has a name (David).
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:01:18 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 4: “Blood Money”
We’re back at Bayside this week and the writers waste no time in getting right to the plot of this episode. We find out within about a minute that the gang is excited about the upcoming hiking trip. Whoa, plot! I know I’ve criticized you for meandering along and not getting to the point, but this is ridiculous! Oh, and to bring the usual unrealistic portrayal of school life this franchise is used to, the hiking trip gets them out of school for…get this…six days! I’m pretty sure the school board and the California Department of Education would have something to say about a six day field trip in the middle of the school year.
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So I’ve been looking for an example of the substandard humor this show is providing so far this season and here’s one for you. Screech is doing the announcements. “Good Morning, Bayside! This is Administrative Assistant Screech Powers reminding all those going on the Big Bear hiking trip to have your permission slips in the principal’s office by 3:00, ’cause no slip, no trip!” And, seriously, the audience loses their shit over that line because rhyming in itself is one of the great forms of comedy. Just ask poets and children’s books writers. The only funny poem here would be:
“Roses are red, Violets are blue, The New Class sucks ass, And Screech Powers, too!”
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So Rachel is completely clueless about hiking and is planning on bringing her lovely sundresses along to seduce Brian into her tent at night. And, yes, Rachel’s cluelessness is a running gag I probably won’t be mentioning again. I guess she did get something from Vicki.vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h08m36s253
Bobby is under the delusion that vikings once visited California and that their trip is a viking trip. Yes, because you dress up as a stereotype in order to go learn about vikings.vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h09m01s52
Meanwhile, in our other plot, Megan is in charge of the school blood drive because the Red Cross totally doesn’t have people to do that for them. Milton and Woodrow made the sign for her but are such idiots they manage to tear the banner in half trying to wonder in opposite directions.vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h09m40s179
After Megan, Lindsay, and Rachel go off to work on setting up the blood drive because, once again, the Red Cross apparently doesn’t have people to do that for them, the boys wonder who’s going to chaperon the hiking trip, because it’s common practice to not decide on the chaperon for a school trip until the very last minute. And who else would it be except Mr. Belding! And, after some ignorant non-humorous humor about the “Swiss language,” Mr. Belding takes the boys off to the blood drive. That was some fast set-up. For the record, the Swiss speak French, Italian, German, and Romansh. There’s no fucking such thing as the Swiss language! vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h10m21s82
And meet Nurse Penny Brady, the nurse conducting the blood drive. She’s here to give a required speech to our regulars and extras about why donating blood is so important. She doesn’t seem to care that no one in the room is eighteen and legally able to consent to giving blood but who cares about silly little things like realism. vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h10m56s179
I say no one is of age, but meet Angelo Spinelli who, by the looks of him, has been held back quite a few years, around ten years to be exact. He doesn’t want to give blood because he’ll be late for his Hell’s Angels meeting since riding a motorcycle is the one characteristic he’s given in this episode. vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h11m41s112
In fact, no one wants to give blood, so Mr. Belding volunteers. So, since I’ve actually never given blood, I reasearched what the mini-physical process actually involves on the Red Cross’s web site. Let’s see how realistic The New Class portrays this process.
1. You will answer some questions during a private and confidential interview about your health history and the places you have traveled.
Not a good sign when we can’t even get that right. I hardly think Mr. Belding being questioned in front of a group of his students is confidential. This was the easy one to get right and they couldn’t even do that.
2. You will have your temperature, hemoglobin, blood pressure and pulse checked.
They start off accurate by taking a sample of Mr. Belding’s blood, but the realism stops there. Yes, as you can see in the picture above, they weigh Mr. Belding, which has absolutely nothing to do with your ability to give blood. On top of this, Megan looks through a magic microscope and diagnoses Mr. Belding as having high cholesterol, which also has absolutely nothing to do with fitness to give blood. Based on the diagnosis of a blood drive nurse and a tenth grade student, Mr. Belding has health problems and needs to go on a strict exercise and diet regimen.
BULL FUCKING SHIT!
Only a medical doctor can make these sorts of calls based on a thorough physical, examination of eating habits, and laboratory tests that involve eight to twelve hours of fasting before hand! The blood test in the mini-physical is to make sure you’re not fucking anemic! This is all medical malpractice waiting to happen!
God, this stupid, stupid show!
So Screech comes in the middle of it and, because Nurse Brady has a vagina, he instantly starts falling in love. So, to avoid having to stop to comment every few minutes throughout the episode about Screech’s dumb ass looks, I present a new feature, one that I have a feeling will, unfortunately, become a new feature in The New Class reviews.
Ladies, and gentlemen, I give you: The Many Creepy Looks of Screech Powers. Yes, these are all faces Screech gives Nurse Brady throughout the episode.
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vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h30m24s83 vlcsnap-2014-07-18-20h03m57s147 vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h36m49s96
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God that’s a disturbing little menagerie.vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h15m00s50
When Screech looks at Nurse Brady, he apparently sees in vertigo. Jimmy Stewart called. He wants his special effect back. vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h15m46s244
So, for whatever reason, Mr. Belding is allowing Screech to supervise his diet and exercise routine prescribed by a blood drive nurse and a tenth grade student. This involves eating sprouts and running on a treadmill, something he couldn’t possibly do on his own. Nurse Brady comes in and she’s disturbed to find out Mr. Belding is going mountain hiking. vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h22m28s188
All our hikers have set their tents and equipment up in the gym…for some reason. Bobby is using bug spray like deodorant because…his arm pits smell like flowers? vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h23m29s36
He accidentally sprays Angelo, who, because he’s a soft and cuddly Hell’s Angel and doesn’t want to be charged with child abuse, gives Bobby a noogie.
Rachel is whining about sleeping outside because the writers are trying desperately to graft all of Lisa’s characteristics onto her.
Mr. Belding comes in and tells the students that he’s not able to go on the hiking trip because of his physical condition. So…let me get this straight…Mr. Belding being overweight means he can’t engage in an activity that will mean he gets lots of exercise…
You know, of all the contrivances this franchise has thrown at me, this one may well be one of the worst. It may not be one of the most ridiculous or the most outlandish, but it’s just downright ignorant, which means the Mr. Belding is fat subplot exists only to give a reason for conflict in the other subplots.
*sigh* A brain dead monkey with no arms could write better material than this.vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h23m56s51
So the replacement chaperon is…Mrs. Steele. So..Mr. Belding is too fat to go hiking so the replacement is…an overweight woman? HOW DOES THIS FUCKING MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE WHATSO-FUCKING-EVER!!!! I think this episode is actually making me stupider for watching it!
Anyway, yeah, the kids don’t like Mrs. Steele because she has a dried up vagina and doesn’t want to see any of the kids exhibiting relations with the opposite sex so she sticks them all in same sex groupings so that they can only act on their latent homosexual desires. We also find out she doesn’t like bees and is fucking pissed that Rachel is wearing perfume which may attract bees despite the fact they’re not leaving on the trip right now so it doesn’t really matter
In the other plot, Screech is trying to give blood to impress Nurse Brady and he passes out at the sight of blood. Haha, very funny, Next scene.
Actually, on second thought, Screech passing out could be funny, especially if it gave him a concussion.
In the hallway, the gang has a plan to get Mrs. Steele to quit as chaperon. Tommy D broadcasts a fake news report on the radio about killer bees invading California and then… vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h31m18s73
Yeah, Bobby comes in as a very unconvincing employee for the “Department of Agriculture, bees division” and that the killer bees have invaded Big Bear Mountain. Yeah, the Department of Agriculture is not in charge of wildlife since…I don’t know…animals aren’t agriculture! I get that Google and Wikipedia weren’t around in the mid-90s, but there was still these little things called encyclopedias that can do a world of good when it comes to fucking research!
But in the Saved by the Bell universe, all adults are fucking morons so Mrs. Steele completely buys it and quits as chaperon. Mr. Belding happens to be doing running jumping jacks down the hall just as this happens and the gang conveniently convince him to appoint Screech as the chaperon since it will get Screech the fuck away from Mr. Belding.
At The Max, Megan says Nurse Brady is depressed because it’s her first blood drive and no one has given blood. She then immediately contradicts herself by saying Lindsay gave blood, and we already know they turned down a perfectly good candidate in Mr. Belding. Everyone has excuses such as Rachel’s brilliant, “I was having a bad hair day,” and Tommy D’s desire to go riding on Angelo’s motorcycle because endangering a minor is cool.
Screech comes in and the remaining gang tell him he’s fucking going hiking with them so get a fucking move on. Screech says he can’t go hiking because he’s heartbroken over Nurse Brady rejecting him even though she hasn’t yet. Brian assures him that if he asks Nurse Brady out, she’ll say yes.
In the next scene, Brian convinces Nurse Brady that, if she goes out with Screech, he’ll get donors for her. I think I’d rather quit my job.
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In a scene reminiscent of Looney Tunes, Tommy D quite literally waves a sandwich in front of Meat and Hacksaw, convincing them to give blood.vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h35m11s122
The girls flirt with Bobby in order to convince a couple extras that giving blood is hella sexy and will get you lots of hot butt sex.
And Milton and Woodrow are convinced to give blood because…they’re smart and intelligence is apparently passed on through blood in this weird, fucked up universe.
The whole school is lined up to give blood and I think his may be the most students we’ve ever seen at Bayside at one time. Tommy D and Bobby drag Screech in, Nurse Brady agrees to go out with him, and he promptly faints into Bobby’s arms because he’d rather have Bobby.
So where else as an adult would you take your date in the Saved by the Bell universe than the place you hung out at as a teenager: The Max. Oh, Screech does know how to impress a woman.vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h37m14s94
And the gang is all there, doing their best impersonation of being subtle in trying to see how the date goes.
So Screech is a complete fuck up on the date. He causes Nurse Brady to fall on her ass, took Nurse Brady to see a fake Ernest movie, Ernest Goes Skiing, and pours water all over Nurse Brady. In a rare moment of insight, Screech realizes he’s a fuck up and tells Nurse Brady he just gets so nervous he doesn’t know how to act around her. This reverses everything else he’s done the whole evening and she suddenly loves him, believing this to be the genuine Screech. Uh, sorry to break the news to you, but six previous years of seeing Screech fuck up has taught us that the fuck up is the genuine Screech.
And, as Nurse Brady goes to the restroom to clean up, Screech is so elated he tells Brian, who has broken his cover, he’ll now chaperon their trip.vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h40m22s177
Back at Bayside, Mr. Belding is running around in circles with Screech because this is effective exercise. Nurse Brady comes in to give Mr. Belding his follow up exam because that’s something else blood donor nurses totally do.
Screech goes to get lunch for Mr. Belding from the cafeteria and Nurse Brady tells Mr. Belding the entire story of them going out. Screech just happens to come back at the part where the gang bribed her to go out with Screech and Screech is suddenly stricken with the realization that women still find him repulsive.
I know I said the Mr. Belding not going on the trip thing was contrived but now we get even worse contrivance. With a minute and a half left in the episode, Tommy D and Megan rush in to tell Mr. Belding that Angelo has been in a motorcycle accident, is at the hospital and needs a blood transfusion. His blood type just happens to be O negative and Screech just happens to be the only other person at Bayside with O negative blood. My god, if it was any more contrived it might blow up from the sheer stupidity! Really, first of all they want us to give a damn about a minor character we’ve seen for three scenes who’s never been on the show before and they want us to give a damn in a minute and a half. It would have been a hell of a lot more effective to make this a two-parter and have it be Tommy D or even Mr. Belding in the accident. Then we might actually give a damn. But I forget The New Class writers all got their writing credentials with four proofs of purchase from specially marked boxes of Rice Krispies.
So the gang, Nurse Brady, and Mr. Belding all look around for Screech and can’t find them. He suddenly shows up at the blood drive because he wants to help Angelo, presumably because Angelo is a father and the kids shouldn’t lose their father at a young age. Nurse Brady uses Screech having blood taken as an excuse to tell Screech how she really feels since Screech isn’t passing out at the sight of blood this time. The gang apologize, Screech agrees to go on the trip, and he and Nurse Brady kiss.vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h43m24s196
And is it just me or is she kissing his cheek when she’s supposed to be kissing his mouth. Is she just as repulsed as the rest of us?
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And we end with Mrs. Steele taking over as Mr. Belding’s new personal trainer because…I haven’t a fucking clue. I guess we’re left to assume Angelo died of his injuries, though, since we never see him on the show again. He was at Bayside long enough that I hope they decide to give him an honorary high school diploma!
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Post by sbtbfanatic on May 3, 2015 12:02:29 GMT
The New Class Season 2, Episode 5: “Squash It”
We open with this sight: Screech walking through the hallway drumming. And why is he drumming you ask? Why, to get everyone’s attention, because that makes complete sense. Mr. Belding wants to announce preparations for the school carnival but if he catches anyone fighting, he’ll cancel the whole thing because it’s completely reasonable to cancel a school event based on the actions of a few people.vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h29m08s185
Screech is apparently armed with glitter nowadays.
But what this scene really makes me ask is why Mr. Belding is now making announcements like this? Are they saying that these the only students at Bayside? Wouldn’t the PA system have been more appropriate?
The students will also be competing for a prize. The booth that sells the most tickets will win a night out in Los Angeles! Wow, that’s exciting, a trip all the way to Los Angeles, where they live! This trip will come complete with a dinner at the Shay Palisades Bistro and front row tickets for the Whitney Houston concert. Something tells me the school spent all their money on the concert and couldn’t afford much else. vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h31m10s128
In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech wants to sell lots of fake plastic food on sticks, including “spaghetti on a stick.” If this doesn’t make sense to you, don’t worry: it has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the episode.
Brian and Rachel come in and want to recruit Mr. Belding for a dunk tank. Mr. Belding tells them to fuck off because Milton and Frieda, whoever that is, have dibs. vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h32m37s227
Bobby wants Megan to team up with him for a fortune telling booth where she feeds Bobby answers in terrible puns. They try it out on Rachel, who is seemingly duped into believing that Bobby is a psychic. This may be the best acting I’ve ever seen Sarah Lancaster do on any show as she seems genuinely believable. vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h33m31s249
Bayside just can’t seem to get rid of its remedial students who are well into their twenties! This is Kirk, who will serve as an antagonist throughout the rest of this episode. Kirk wants to fuck the living shit out of Megan and he won’t take no for an answer, which makes him come off as sort of rapey. I know I’m supposed to hate this guy but he’s just making me feel uncomfortable. vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h33m59s18
Bobby tries to get in between them and Kirk turns Bobby into a giant turtle as he spins him around. Tommy D comes up ready to beat the shit out of Kirk but, as usual, Lindsay stops him because fighting is bad, mmmkay? She’s really scared that Mr. Belding will cancel the carnival because of an isolated event involving a total ass wipe. Besides, you know, plot.
Screech has a classroom reserved as a really elaborate place to sign up for booths. Rachel reveals to Brian that she only pretended to believe Bobby’s fortune telling and, really, he sucks ass. vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h35m02s144
Brian proceeds to tell Milton and Frieda, who we find out is a new addition to Team Nerd, that the person who ran the dunk tank last year was forced to move away. Yeah, Rachel and Brian are going to be known as Team Assholes throughout this episode. Milton and Frieda run out on the dunk tank, leaving it for Brian and Rachel to steal.vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h36m04s252
Lindsay and Tommy D can’t stop making out for long enough to agree on a booth so, when Screech suggests they run a kissing booth, they readily agree.
At The Max, Bobby and Megan are practicing for the mind reading booth except Bobby sucks ass even with obvious prompts. Megan leaves to create a script and Kirk, who has been loitering and waiting for the opportunity, comes up and starts talking smak about Bobby. Kirk tells Bobby to leave his future date rape victim alone, and Bobby politely declines. Kirk dumps fries on Bobby as Screech comes in and, since there are no responsible adults in The Max, Kirk just leaves with no consequences for bullying or causing a scene. vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h37m06s109
Instead, Screech suggests that maybe he can help Bobby with his bullying problem. And…vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h37m22s17
Oh lord. Screech is suddenly a black belt in karate. Why is it I would believe that Screech bought the uniform at a yard sale? It’s easier to believe than if he actually took the classes to earn it.vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h37m34s133
Oh, god, make it stop…vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h37m43s212
Seriously…make it stop…vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h37m51s43
It’s not going to stop, is it?
Screech tells Bobby that, when he was a student at Bayside, he was bullied as well, and karate was how he learned to protect himself. That’s why we never saw Screech doing anything karate related in the original series, other than his incredibly racist impersonation of a Japanese person in season one. vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h38m30s173
As if every martial arts film ever made hadn’t done it first, Screech starts Bobby’s training by having him wash Mr. Belding’s windows because, in the world of Hollywood, doing menial everyday chores can give you incredible martial arts skills. He continues his training in the hallway by washing the lockers.
Megan comes up and gives Bobby the new codes just as Kirk comes down the stairs. Bobby stuffs himself in a locker since he’s not prepared to wash Kirk yet so Kirk continues his sexual harassment. vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h40m19s233
Hacksaw and his buddy, Spike, find Lindsay and Tommy D so they can lust over how much they’ve wanted to finger bang Lindsay. Spike must have been held back even more times than Kirk. I wonder if he remembers when Mr. Belding was the DJ at the radio station.
Tommy D is such an idiot that he only then realizes that a kissing booth means Lindsay will be kissing boys. What did he think it meant, that people would pay to see them kiss? Tommy D forbids Lindsay to kiss other boys and Lindsay is all, “Fuck that shit!”vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h41m09s223
Mr. Belding conveniently has a cold from taking Little Zack to Sea World because it’s a common thing to get colds from visiting an aquarium…apparently. This means that he won’t be able to be in Brian and Rachel’s dunk booth because…plot. Brian comes up with a new idea: make everyone want to dunk him.
vlcsnap-2014-07-29-19h49m07s41Holy shit, it’s Tara Reid! No, seriously, that’s Tara “I’ll Star in Any Movie Offered to Me” Reid! Now here’s a celebrity I can believe got her start on The New Class. She’s never been a good actress so it only figures she got her on this show! Anyway, Brian tells Tara Reid that she’s fat and Rachel follows up with the opportunity to dunk Brian at the carnival. Hey, Tara Reid has survived Sharknados, twice. If she can do that, surely she can dunk Brian! vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h42m34s55He continues the sabotage of his reputation by telling Hacksaw and Spike that they’re fucking morons, and he tells Milton that he has monkey breathe. So, the plan is for Brian to be an even bigger dick than usual and ruin what little positive reputation he has at Bayside?
At The Max, Screech butts into Tommy D and Lindsay’s affairs and makes things even worse by suggesting that Tommy D kiss girls. Screech was actually hoping Tommy D would give him a kiss but Tommy D can’t take a hint.
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Bobby is continuing his karate training by…putting ketchup and mustard on hot dogs. Yeah, it’s obvious how this plot is going to turn out but it doesn’t make it any less moronic. vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h44m58s210
Kirk thinks that Bobby is a dumb ass for listening to Screech as well and spreads some mustard on Bobby. Kirk tells Bobby to stop cock blocking his potential sexual assault and says he’ll murder Bobby if Bobby shows up at the carnival. vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h46m08s135
Bobby tells Screech he’s fucking pissed off at Screech’s bad advice, but Screech suddenly helps Bobby realize that washing windows and lockers and putting ketchup and mustard on hot dogs has turned him into Jackie Chan. Yeah, because karate doesn’t take years of persistence and practice to master. It only takes putting some fucking condiments on processed beef!
This episode is an insult to martial artists everywhere. vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h47m42s66
It’s time for the carnival and, though everyone is hitting the target, Brian isn’t falling in the water because he’s a fucking cheater. Mr. Belding comes in and fixes the booth and Brian is suddenly all wet. vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h47m59s228
Meanwhile, Spike is ready and excited over his kiss with Lindsay while Tara Reid kisses Tommy D. Oh, hilarious prostitution! But moments later they decide they don’t like kissing other people and deny Hacksaw his sweet, sweet sugar so they can make out throughout the rest of the episode.
Kirk comes in and decides that Bobby being late means that Megan is his new whore. But, oh no, Bobby comes in and the two step into the hallway for an epic rumble!
You can probably guess the rest. Tommy D stops kissing long enough for Brian and he to try to break up the fight, but Bobby is all, “No, it’s my fight and I have to finish this cliche!” Bobby dodges every one of Kirk’s punches. vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h50m33s235
This leads Kirk to break out a broom, which Bobby promptly breaks using mustard and ketchup power. He pushes Kirk down on the floor but, rather than showing him what washing windows can really do, has mercy on him and tells him to fuck the fucking fuck off. Mr. Belding comes out but missed the awesome powers of Ketchup-te so he’s none the wiser, and Screech is proud that his nonsensical ways have proven useful for another episode. vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h52m02s94
Back at the carnival, Brian and Rachel won the grand prize. Oh, but too much water has made Brian catch a cold because that’s the way it works in the Saved by the Bell universe. As a result, Mr. Belding says Brian shouldn’t to the concert. Rachel says that David will be happy to fly home from college just to see Whitney Houston since anything’s possible on this show and it’s not like flying in from Michigan for a single night costs money or anything, and Brian is dejected that he’s denied a night in the sack with Rachel once again.vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h52m39s216And we close with Bobby looking confused as Megan gives him a thank you kiss and tells him that she’d be happy to go out with him anytime because Ketuchup-te is the sexiest marshal art form ever conceived.
Firsts: Frieda, Spike.
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